03x58 - The Journal

[bunniefuu]

I'm tellin' you man, it's the best gig in the mall.


You do realize that every time you say that, things go horribly wrong.index ,…}


This time it's different!


The boss is never around, and I'm surrounded by tons of sweet merch


that's just begging to be taken.


Don't you mean the 'merch' is begging to be returned?


Here's a diary!


Last entry"I can't stop thinking about Eddie.


"He's like a Greek God in hot jeans.


"So why won't he notice me?!?" Pathetic!


Ah, man! I can't believe you just read me someone's diary.


Ugh, now I feel dirty. I gotta go wash.


But we haven't even gotten to a juicy part yet!


Wuss.


Lessee now... "I'm sick of my stinky so-called 'brother'!


"I should tell everyone he still sleeps with his teddy bear.


That'll teach Jonesy!" Ahh!


Who's journal is this?


JEN?!? Whoa! And also - hey!


Look at me. Look at me.


I'm irresistible if you just turn your stupid head...ugh!


I swear, it's like I'm invisible.


You could introduce yourself.


Are you demented?


Eddie is world-class boyfriend material...


star hockey player, volleyball champ AND on the honour roll.


And what am I? Some anonymous cashier in a ref's outfit.


Maybe if I was an Olympic Snowboarder...


Guess you'd better add "become an Olympian" on your To Do list.


Already done.


Lemme guess, it's between "stop global warming" and "cure cancer."


That's a different list.


How many lists do you have?


Hang on, I've got them categorized in my journal.


Oh no. My journal's not here.


Why isn't it here? It's always in my bag!


Calm down, you probably just left it at home.


I never leave it at home, it's too important!


It's where I keep all my most intimate private thoughts and feelings


about everything and everyone.


WHERE IS IT?!?


So is there stuff in it that even I don't know about?


What? Uh, no, not really.


Well, stuff like the Top Ten List maybe.


But you already know all my big stuff.


Yeah.


Well, no one's going to get your secrets out of me, that's for sure.


I know.


But if anyone reads that journal, it'll be social Armageddon.


I know it's crazy, but I swear I can feel someone reading it right now!


"Number win an Olympic gold medal for snow boarding."


Oh, Jen, soooo predictable.


"Number --" Hey there, Mr. Lost and Found.


I seem to have misplaced my boyfriend.


Perfect timing, he just turned up!


Are you actually reading a book without pictures?


What is it?


Jen's journal.


WHAT?! You can't read that, it's private and confidential!


And it's a real page turner!


You're unbelievable.


Thanks, hot lady.


You're pretty unbelievable yourself.


Give it to me.


But I'm getting to know Jen in a whole new light!


You'll get to know my fist in a whole new light if you don't fork it over.


Like you could ever harm a hair on this lovable head.


Ow!


I thought I heard you two.


Aw man!


Wow, thanks! What is it?


Jen's journal.


No way.


She must be in a total panic without it!


Don't worry, I'll get it back to her a.s.a.p.!


And that would be the appropriate response


to finding a friend's missing journal.


Caitlin has her way, I have mine.


Hey, a portable game system! Tasty!


You' have the emotional depth of plankton.


Yeah, but I'm your plankton.


ARGH!


Easy, that's it.


Doing great.


Ow! Whoa!


seconds - and that's a new record for Eyes-shut Boarding!


The journal!


Okay, that was close.


Must be a pretty important book if it can't go under water.


It's Jen's journal.


I have to get it to her before someone tries to read --


ooh, there's something about me!


"It's not fair, Caitlin just bats her eyelashes to get boyfriend after boyfriend,"],…}


"but I'm always single." It's not my fault she can't get a guy!


You go ahead and read that puppy, I'm gonna wait for the movie.


I wonder who will play me? Kiefer Sutherland would be cool.


Ew! Get this.


"The doctor says if I use the cream, the rash should clear up in a week." Gross!


Jude?


Ugh, it must have fallen out of my bag.



Masterson!


Coach! Uh,I was just, uh,


counting inventory --


minutes in the penalty box for disrupting the store.


And another for calling me a self-absorbed lunkhead.


Who told you that?


I -- must be strong --


I heard it around!


(Sniffles, then cries) Oh my, I am soo sorry!


But the only time I've ever called him that was...


in my journal!


NO!


Die, snowman, die! (evil laughter)


This really is a sweet setup.


Gimme back my game.


Sure. But since there's no proof it's yours,


you'll have to answer a few skill testing questions first.


Number What's the high score on Abominable Snow Job?


, .


Wrong, it's , now.


Question number What part of my anatomy


did I stick a pencil in when I was years old?


You suck!


Thank you, come again!


Where were we...oh yeah, die, you icy demon, die!


Jonesy, you can't not give people their stuff back just because you want --


hey, is that a Gibson Les Paul?


Hop in and give it a try!


Come to papa!


So?


My life is over!


Overreact much?


Not only is my journal still missing, but what's in it is starting to get out!


Wait, didn't Caitlin come by?


I haven't seen her all day.


That's what I get for delegating.


What is that supposed to mean?


Don't worry, I'm going to find your journal, okay.


Just try to act sane until I get there.


Can I help you?


I heard through the grapevine that you might be able to


recommend a good cream for my rash.


NOOOOOOOO!


Dude, how much for the bongos?


You want to buy these?


Totally!


Okay, now you're going too far.


Here's my life savings, dude, $ .


Sold!


Thanks for shopping at Jonesy's L and F boutique.


Sweeeet.


I've got serious problems with this, morally, practically, and legally.


Then I'm afraid you'll have to leave.


This is a morality, practicality and legality free zone!


Whatever.


"Style obsessed"? Since when am I style obsessed?


Ooo, cute skirt.


-A-HA! --Nikki!


I couldn't help it! It fell open and I saw my name!


Bad friend! Bad! Bad!


You're not going to tell Jen, are you?


No, for her sake, not yours.


I like to leave some room for blackmail down the road.


Now I see why Jen wrote what she did about you.


What did she -- wait, no. No.


It's none of my business.


It's okay, she ranked you dead last in her "people with charisma" list.


She did not write that.


Page .


I'm only opening it to prove you wrong.


Unbelievable!


I know, right?


Jen had a crush on Jonesy in grade ?


I KNEW she was hiding something from me!


No way!


You should sit down, the reading light's better over here.


If Jen ever finds out we know about her old crush on Jonesy--


Oh I know, that would be the worst!


A hundred dollars may seem like a lot for an umbrella,


but it's worth it for this trim alone.


That's Mach Hail Protection.


Impressive.


Has anyone turned in my journal?


It's yea big, and full of incriminating secrets.


It's not here, Jen. I promise you that.


Can I interest you in a ladies purse? I'll you a family discount.


I am not buying someone's lost purse.


If the previous owner wanted to keep her purse,


she wouldn't have lost it, would she?


You're Jen, the journal girl?


Listen, don't worry about your bust size.


Just because your sister is "chestier" doesn't mean you're not pretty.


Oh -- my -- GROSS!!!


I don't remember reading anything about her bust size.


There are public readings over by the fountain.


Mighty entertaining!


Hey, what's up?


No way, she made a bar graph about our butts?


According to this, my butt is the highest, yours is the roundest.


What does she mean, 'roundest'? Is that code for 'biggest'?



How could you read Jen's journal


when you know she's freaking out about someone reading it?


You just made all her fears come true!


Oh, come on, no way am I second on the Worst Coffee Breath List.


-Who's number ? --Wyatt.


Oh no she didn't! What the...


Caitlin? Ugh, where is everybody when I need them?


Hi, Jen. Just so you know, I hate going to school dances too,


or at least I used to before I met Julie.


Maybe when you finally get a boyfriend you won't hate them so much.


And just where did you hear that?!? ARGH!


"Last night I had that dream again, about me and Jonesy


"sitting on the Ferris wheel, kissing.


"When will it ever stop?"


The first crush is the deepest.


So Jen never told you she had a thing for Jonesy? Weird.


I wish I still didn't know.


You don't think she's actually still into him, do you?


If she did, she'd say so here.


You might lie to your friends, but you don't lie to your journal.


It's officialI'm a money making genius!


Wait a minute, is that Jen's journal you're holding, Nikki?


You tell her anything and I'll k*ll you in your sleep.


Sweet! What page are we on?


Uh, , right. guys?


Oh, uh, yeah, .


Jen actually numbers the pages of her journal?


And she wonders why no one ever calls her cool.


Oo, check it out, she made a pie chart about each of us!


I'm % talent but only % style? Ouch.


Remember, no one ever tells Jen about this, ever.


I don't believe it.


Jen --


Thanks to my so-called friends,


now everybody knows every embarrassing detail of my life!


Jen, please --


How COULD YOU?!?


Hi, there. I was just wondering, did that rash ever clear up?


Bwagh!!!


-Oh no!


--Yikes.


---What have we done?


Jude. Bongos.


We really blew it this time.


I don't think Jen will ever forgive us for reading her journal.


You tricked me into reading it!


Yeah, well, Caitlin tricked me!


But you're the one who handed it to me in the first place!


Only to get it away from Jonesy!


I blame whoever brought it to the Lost and Found in the first place.


Stupid good Samaritan!


Jen did say some harsh stuff.


Yeah, we're the ones who should be upset!


Right?


She wasn't that harsh. And they're private.


Imagine how you'd feel if the entire mall knew all your thoughts.


Scored her. And her.


And her.


Struck out with her.


But scored her... Twice.


Aaaah!


We've got to go and apologize to Jen, stat!


Oh, Jingles, you're the only friend I have left.


Which is seriously depressing. No offense.


[KNOCKING]


Go away!


Jen? It's us.


I said, go away!


We just want to apologize.


You wanna maybe come out from under the covers?


So I can look at the so-called friends who ruined my life? Nunh-uh.


Come on, Jen. We made a big mistake.


It's like you say in your journal, "friendship can't be undone,


"not when you're as close as we are."


Yeah. And what about when you said...


"sometimes they drive me crazy,


"but I wouldn't change my friends for anything in the world."


I said that before you read my journal and started QUOTING from it!


Now all of you get out of my room and out of this house FOREVER!!


Ow!


JUDE! JUDE! JUDE! JUDE!


Sorry, dudes.


How can we make it up to Jen?


I'm not sure we can.


Whoa. We've been friends with Jen since we were little mini-dudes.


Yeah, you and Jen were pretty tight back in the seventh grade, eh Jonesy?


I guess.


Did you ever think about being, you know, more than friends?


What are you talking about?


Like maybe accidentally-on- purpose, you know, kissing or something?


Seriously, did you suffer a head injury today?


Just answer the question!


No, I never kissed Jen or thought about being more than friends.


Why, did she -- Jen has a crush on me!


No!


Jen is INTO ME?!


WAS into you! Past tense!


Nikki!


Jen had past tense a crush on me!


What is wrong with me?!?



And back then I had braces and way bad hair.


But I was still enough of a stud muffin to turn her crank!


Ow, that hurt! Losing consciousness...


Wooh!


Greetings, attractive hippie chick.


So, I'm willing to guess that you dig my riff so much


that you want to go out on a date. Am I right?


Ah, those are my bongos.


Okay. Got that wrong.


There's gotta be some kind of peace offering here for Jen...


broken cell phone, retainer, dead flowers...


I guess I sold all the top quality stuff.


Hey man, I lost my guitar.


Guitar, you say?


Let me guess, you lost your purse?


Hoo boy.


I heard that Jen has one foot bigger than the other.


Well, I heard that if Jen eats mushrooms


she'll wind up stuck on the toilet for like hours straight!


EW!!


Well, I heard that all three of you guys have hairy backs. EW!


Who told you that?!?


Oh, it's going around.


Hello?


Conferencing - you get Wyatt.


Pa-pah-ta-pah-ta-pow-ta-poh! It's just not the same.


Yo, what's up? I'm listening.


Hell-ow.


What's with you, Jonesy?


Okay, so selling Lost and Found stuff wasn't the best idea after all.


That lady with the purse was a bruiser.


Oh, and did I mention I just got fired?


Focus, people!


Jen's under her blanket binging on brownies and the entire mall is trashing her."],…}


So what do we do?


If you can't b*at 'em, join 'em!


And on Jen's first day of school, they asked her to say her name.


She burped by mistake.


So for the rest of the year, everyone called her (BURPS)!


Okay, don't tell anyone, but I heard Jen is totally on track


to compete in the next winter Olympics!


And then she stepped in some doggie doo-doo


and tracked it all the way into gym class before she realized!


Did you hear the latest about Jen?


Well, apparently Dougie Stewart, THE hottest senior,


begged her to go out with him and she said no!


He's not good enough for her!


Poor Dougie. He's devastated.


Jude, Did you hear about the time Jen saved a guy right here in the mall?


Dude, yes!


Some depressed guy was going to throw himself off the fifth floor atrium!


And he was all, Life isn't worth living.


And Jen was all, Not on my watch, you're destined for greatness.


Really? Better not jump then!


Yeah, so cool. But why did she risk her own neck for a total stranger?


Dude - that's sooo Jen.


Ooooooo.


We're geniuses!


Your Genie nominations are in the mail.


Jen is going to flip.


Time to go get her.


One forgiving friend, coming up!


[BURP]


(KNOCK AT DOOR)


Go away!


Jen? I'm here to tell you that everything is all better now.


So, you can come back to the mall and be our friend again.


Forget it, I am not going anywhere.


You know, Jen, you can stay here and be all sad and kinda smelly.


OR you can come back to the mall and bask in the love and admiration of your peers."],…}


Once you've showered, that is.


Because when you think really hard about it and say,


"Dudes, what you did was pretty dorky, but hey, I forgive you",


you'll feel like a hundred pounds lighter...huh?


And lighter is always better than heavier.


Just look at textbooks, skateboards, laptops even.


Which would you choose? Heavier or lighter?


Lighter every time, dude! And when you're --


So let's go already!


Right on.


Be prepared to feel the love.


Yeah yeah, we'll see.


Hi, Jen! Looking hot, girlfriend!


Whenever I feel scared, I just remember that Jen is out there


rising above her own fears and then I know I can go on.


She can communicate with dogs and cats, that's what I heard!


What did you guys do?!


I'm naming my daughter after you.


Yeah, she's , so it'll take a bit of getting used to,


but it's the least I can do for my hero!


Can I have your autograph?


Figured you might need this.


So... think you can forgive us now?


You expect me to forgive you? For making me a role model?


Well, I don't forgive you for it.


I LOVE you for it!


Eeeeee!


Hey, there.


Eddie!


Yeah, I don't know what I was thinking before.



I mean, I'm just some schmo, and you're this goddess!


So will you give an idiot another chance?


This day is really turning out well!


All right, you hippie maggots!


No free love orgies permitted in the food court.


Move it along. C'mon. Here we go.


You, straggler, get in! Ok, out.


It's good to be back.


How was the big date with Eddie?


I don't think he's boyfriend material.


First I was an invisible dork, and then I was a goddess.


But I want a guy who just likes me for me.


Give the lady her present!


Oh yeah! We got you something.


It's a lock for your journal.


Juuuust in case you ever lose it again.


Thanks, guys!


And before I lock up, I just need to check one of the items off my list


of Top Ten Things I Want To Do Before I Kack.


Number six, Being a role model. check!