03x60 - The New Jonesy

[bunniefuu]

[ ♪ ]


[ KIDS GIGGLING ]


[ ♪ ]


[ GROWLS SOFTLY ]


AHHHH!


[ HORN HONKING ]


[ KIDS GIGGLING ]


Oh, dear.


Whoa. Easy now, easy...


Why is Caitlin skating like that?


Beats me.


Not another STEP!


I spent the entire afternoon at the salon.


And my hair is perfection.


I want to enjoy it while it


LASTS!!


How bad is it?


Pretty bad.


Ooh, I think they call that the Dandelion Effect.


Ha! Nice coif.


Caitlin's having a hair meltdown,


and you're applying face cream?


Not face cream, Man Gel.


Part of Huntington's new line of male products.


They're launching a 'before' and 'after' campaign,


and I landed the gig as the after, natch.


More like 'the morning after.'


What? Sorry.


I was just looking for Smithy.


Oooh, is this the new boyfriend?


Uh-huh. He's so cute and funny


and totally crazy about me!


He calls me...


Jenner!


It's adorable when Smithy says it, trust me.


Smithy?


What kind of name's Smithy?


Is it a first name, or a last name?


Make up your mind!


I have no idea, Jonesy.


There he is! Smithy, over here!


Hey, I'm Smithy. Nice to meet you.


Whoa.


Better jet, or we'll miss the movie.


That was... freaky.


Smithy could be Jonesy's identical twin!


Except with better hair.


You should talk.


Guess Jen still has feelings for me.


If you can't go Jonesy, you gotta go clone-sy!


[ ♪♪♪ ]


[ ♪ ]


♪ LIFE BEGINS AFTER SCHOOL ♪


♪ THAT'S WHEN WE BEND ALL THE RULES ♪


♪ TIME TO HANG WITH ALL MY FRIENDS ♪


♪ WE LIKE TO BE TOGETHER


♪ IN A PLACE WHERE WE BELONG! ♪


♪ I'M TEEN, STARTING TO FIND MY WAY ♪


♪ GOT A NEW JOB, GONNA START AT THE MALL TODAY ♪


♪ THANK GOD I'M ON MY OWN FOR THE FIRST TIME ♪


♪ I'M TEEN, LIFE IS SWEET ♪


♪ WHEN YOU'RE GROWING UP SO FAST ♪


♪ YOU GOTTA MAKE THE GOOD TIMES LAST ♪


[ ♪ ]


♪ I'M TEEN...


♪ I'M TEEN... ♪ TEEN...


♪ GOTTA MAKE THE GOOD TIMES LAST ♪


[ ♪ ]


[ ♪ ]


Rock on, Zamboni Dude!


Thanks, little dude.


Fans like you make it all worthwhile.


Fans?


Since when do you have fans?


Jude!


I think you missed a spot.


Thanks, bra!


You have groupies too?!


Chicks can't deny the call of the Zamboni!


Uh, looks like nobody can...


No, Zamboni!


You don't know your own powers!


It's so obvious! How can Jen not see it?!


I know!


Even this stupid lemon hat


can't tame my unmanageable hair.


I was talking about Smithy.


Right. I read about this in Teen Glam.


It's called Mr. Replacement.


Jen's subconscious still hasn't worked through


her crush on Jonesy from the seventh grade.


Now it's manifesting in a replacement crush.


So Jen DOES like Jonesy?


Jen's brain won't let her see


that Smithy looks exactly like Jonesy.


Not until she works through her feelings.


You got all that from Teen Glam? Mm-hmm.


They branched out after the decline of the boy band.


What are we gonna do?


We just have to jolt Jen's subconscious



into communicating with her conscious again.


Mm-hmmm.


Luckily, I'm a trained professional.


[ ZAMBONI HORN HONKING ]


Dudes, say hello to my sweet ride!


I'm pretty sure Zambonies aren't allowed in the mall, Jude?


The ice needed a break from all the fans,


so I figured, why not take Zamboni Dude off-roading?


[ KIDS CHEERING AND YELLING ]


See?


It's my duty, nay, my ice polishing obligation,


to give the people what they want!


What I want, maggot, is justice.


I'm giving you a citation


for illegal parking of an amphibious vehicle.


Heavy.


Do you stay up late at night, making these up?


I'm usually in bed by ten-ish.


No worries, mall cop dude.


This should totally cover the charges.


You got off lucky this time, punk.


But I'll be watching you.


Whoa! Where'd you get all that Cheddar?


I gave a coupla bra's a lift,


and they slipped me a tip.


Nice.


Yo, soft skin.


Aren't you supposed to be working at Huntington's?


Yeah yeah yeah.


If I help,


will you cut me in for half the tips?


Couldn't do it without you, bro.


You dragged me away from work


so I could watch Smithy eat a hot dog?


Shhh! Just pay attention.


Bummer.


Bummer.


So Jonesy and Smithy are both slobs, so what?


How can you not see it?


Jonesy and Smithy are practically clones!


All guys are sloppy eaters.


"Resistance is normal.


"Keep exposing subject to stimuli."


Hey, where's our stimuli?


You guys are acting weirder than usual.


This will only take a sec, Jen.


Niiiice.


Whoaaaa... OUFF!


Niiiice.


Whoaaaa... OUFF!


That's what we've been trying to tell you!


Smithy and Jonesy are identical.


Yeah, identical pigs!


I can't believe my boyfriend checked out the betty!


Remind me to k*ll Jonesy later.


All is quiet in sector sixteen.


That thief stole my purse!


What? Oh, right!


Don't worry, ma'am.


I've got the perp in my sights.


[ SIREN BLASTS ]


[ CHEERS ]


Zamboni Dude! Zamboni Dude!


Interfering with official mall business


is a major offence.


Your days are numbered, Zamboni Dude.


Thank you, young man!


[HIGH-PITCHED VOICE] This ain't over, punk!


NIKKIOur intervention obviously isn't working.


I'm just going to march in there and ask Jen


how she feels about Jonesy?


Break it to her gently.


And don't be surprised if Jen doesn't take it well!


Hey, Nikki. What's up?


Do you --


um, how do I put this?


Uh, do you... have a thing for Jonesy?


[ BURSTS OUT LAUGHING ]


I just --


what I meant was --


[ SHE CONTINUES TO LAUGH HYSTERICALLY ]


She's taking it pretty well.


Masterson, you're not paid to laugh,


get back to work!


Hey, was that a chuckle?


All right, I'll let it go this time.


This isn't about my stupid journal entry


from the seventh grade, is it?


No, it's about you dating Jonesy's clone!


What are you talking about?


Smithy is NOTHING like Jonesy.


He likes opera.


He speaks French.


He hates organized sports.


But -- but --


No 'buts'.


This conversation is over.


Told you she wouldn't take it well.


And to your right is Meat Chunkets...


It's Chunky going down,



and coming back up.


[ SIREN BLASTING ]


What seems to be the problem, mall cop dude?


Failure to signal,


illegal dumping of ice rink ice --


Ow! Owwww!


And overzealous use of mood music!


These fines are seriously harshing our profit margin.


Zamboni bylaws do not lie.


There's no such thing as Zamboni bylaws!


You're just jealous that Jude's better at protecting the mall than you are.


Face it, you can't compete with Zamboni Dude.


Oh, I can compete, son...


and I can win.


Your Zamboni against my golf cart?


If you win, you have the run of the mall.


But if I win,


you have to give up the Zamboni for good.


We got a deal, maggot?


Deal.


I'll see you punks at three p.m.


Sharp!


[ CHEERS ]


Hey, Jonesy.


Is this where I apply to be the 'after' model


for Huntington's new men's line?


Sorry, but you're already looking at him.


If you want, I can put in a good word for you as the 'before'.


Cool!


I could really use the job.


It's almost as if I get fired every week.


It's like Jonesy's looking in a mirror!


It's obvious to everyone except poor, sick Jen.


♪ Jason and Joni


♪ Taking a ride on the love Zamboni... ♪


♪ Together forever


Dude!


Jude!


AHHHH!


There's like two Jonesy's!


Jude! Watch out!


AHHHHHhhhhhhhhhh!


I was seeing doub -- GAHHHH!


Jude!


Two Dude's?


'Before' AND 'After' twins?


Great idea! You're hired!


There you are!


You'll never believe what Nikki just said to me...


What'd you do that for?


Is something wrong, Smithy?


Yeah... 'cause I'm Jonesy!


AHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhh!


That's called a first base breakthrough.


Yeah, with my boyfriend.


Great.


JENYuck, yuck!


I caw beweeve I kwissed Jonesy!


You're totally jonesing for Jonesy!


Once you've got it,


there's no cure for Jonesy fever.


How about penicillin?


It's okay, Jen.


We all know you used to crush on Jonesy.


I also used to wet the bed!


People change!


I only kissed Jonesy because he was wearing that stupid wig!


Why are you still wearing that thing?


I have to for the Huntington's campaign.


They want me and Smithy to look identical.


See?


Even Huntington's thinks they look alike!


You're all wrong.


Smithy is one of a kind.


Guess who? It's Smithy.


I know who it is.


Hey, sweetie!


Look what I have...


Two tickets to the White Hot Jalapeño Peppers concert!


Only the best for my Jenner.


How thoughtful.


And so unlike something Jonesy would do.


Hey!


Think the tickets deserve a kiss?


Noo!


Is something wrong?


I meant, nooo way can I wait for this concert!


No kiss!


I mean, you're the best, Smithy!


Poor kid.


She's really got it bad for me.


Watch it, Jonesy!


That's it, Jude.


You need to be in top shape for this race with Ron.


Be the Zamboni...


become one with the machine...


What's this move called?


Crouching Zamboni, Broken Mall Cop.


Ron doesn't stand a chance.


I'm really excited about the concert.



Thanks again for the tickets.


Anything for you, Jenner.


Aaaah!


Are you okay?


Ugh!


You know what you need?


A makeover!


I dunno.


Here, this hat is so cool.


And these sunglasses.


And this jacket...


Make sure to do it all the way up.


There. Perfect.


I'm starting to think you don't like me the way I am?


[ GIGGLING ]


What gave you that idea, silly?


Maybe I should go to the concert alone?


I like you, Smithy! Really, I do.


It's just I'm...


I'm not attracted to you anymore.


Gee, thanks.


No, I mean you remind me of my brother --


I mean, my step-brother!


I mean, oh! I'm not explaining this right!


You've explained it just fine.


JENMy relationship with Smithy is over!


Jen? Where are you?


Down here.


You haven't hidden from boys since Junior Cardoza


threatened to cut off your ponytail in kindergarten!


I know. This is sooo bad.


Come up here, Jen.


You don't want to sit on that floor.


It hasn't been cleaned in months.


Isn't that your job?


Let's focus on Jen, shall we?


Whoa, careful!


Hands off, Jen!


You may have the hots for the Jonesmeister,


but the slab of gorgeous man meat


you see before you is taken!


And there goes my lunch.


It's not your fault, Jen.


No chick is safe from my raw, animal magnetism.


For Nikki's sake, I'll do my best to dial it down,


but I can't promise anything.


What are you talking about?


I don't ha -- Shhhh!


You don't need to tell me.


I can feel your pain.


Now you can feel your pain.


Good to see heartbreak hasn't affected your aim.


SMITHYJen!


Oops, I gotta run!


Jen, wait! Your stuff!


I came to give Jen her stuff back.


Ow! What was that?


I wanted to see if you get hurt,


does Jonesy feel pain?


Nope, nothing.


Maybe you have to really hurt him?


[ CHEERS ]


WYATTDrivers, start your engines!


Isn't this a girl's job?


You're going down, maggot!


[ LOUD ROCK MUSIC PLAYING ]


Eat my ice chips, mall cop dude!


On your mark...


get set...


GO!


GO! Go!


C'mon, Jude! We're all counting on you!


[ MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING ]


[ ♪ ]


That music's really distracting.


Sorry.


Go! Go! Go!


[ CHEERS CONTINUE ]


JENIs the coast clear?


Smithy isn't here, if that's what you mean.


Don't you think you're taking this too far?


What if you're right, Nikki?


If I wasn't still hung up on Jonesy,


why would I fall for a guy who looks exactly like him?


Maybe you didn't fall for Smithy because he looks like Jonesy.


Maybe you fell for him in spite of it.


Interesting. Keep talking.


As soon as you realized Smithy looks like Jonesy,


you didn't want to kiss him anymore, right?


Ew, no way.


And you didn't think they looked alike


until Nikki pointed it out, right?


Yeah, so?


Maybe you have a case of the lookalikes!


Much less serious than Mr. Replacement.


Well, Smithy does like poetry.


He even wrote me a love poem.


The closest I ever got to a love poem


was when Jonesy burped "there once was a man from Nantucket".


See? Different.



What else?


Smithy loves cooking.


He made me my favourite pasta dinner, from scratch.


Jonesy ordered us his favourite pizza once.


I paid for it.


Smithy calls me 'Jenner' in that most adorable way.


On our last date Jonesy called me "hey you."


Are you sure you don't want Jonesy?


'Cause I might want to trade up.


You guys are so right! I do like Smithy.


Thanks, Caitlin!


A case of the lookalikes?


Did you get that from Teen Glam too?


Teen Pulse.


Trumps Teen b*at every time.


Basic magazine hierarchy.


I'm learning so much.


JENSmithy!


I'm sorry, Jen. It's over.


But I'm Jenner.


I thought you were too,


but all you've been trying to do lately is change me.


Jenner loves me the way I am.


We could really have something special now


that I've stopped picturing kissing my brother!


[UNENTHUSIASTIC] Go, Zamboni dude!


Go...


[YAWN] Zamboni... dude.


Down goes mall cop!


[ CHEERS ]


Zamboni Dude, can I have your autograph?


Sure thing, little bro.


Jude, maybe you should finish the race


before you start signing autographs?!


Chill.


I'm seriously in the lead.


[ ♪ ]


Uh, Jude?


Uh, Jude!


Not now, bro!


Zamboni Dude doesn't turn his back


on his awesome fans!


Zamboni Dude likes to walk among the little bros and bras


who dream of one day riding that big Zamboni


across the rink of life...


Does Zamboni Dude like to lose?


Good-bye to Zamboni Dude, maggot.


Your hair looks great, Cait.


No more puff ball!


Thanks.


Still bummed about the Zamboni?


Maybe it's for the best.


I let fame corrupt me.


I forgot what Zamboni Dude was really about...


the ice.


[ SOFT MOAN ]


Lemme guess. You lost your job?


Turns out nine out of ten shoppers


thought Smithy's 'before' looked better than my 'after,'


so the line tanked.


[ SOFT MOAN ]


Don't worry, Jen. I'll find another job.


Like I care about THAT!


I just got dumped!


Smithy didn't even give me a second chance.


He'll never find another 'Jenner'.


Something tells me he'll be just fine.


Whoa.


Jane's a dead-ringer for Jen.


Really?


Sorry, I just don't see it.


Not again!


Attention, soldier!


Report back to the ice rink at hours!


You're giving me back my Zamboni?


How come?


An old army Zamboni injury has prevented me


from fulfilling my rink duties.


What army owns a Zamboni?


Unless you were invading Finland?


That information is supposed to be classified.


All right! Zamboni Dude is back!


And this time he's totally going to shun fame,


and focus on the ice.


Zamboni Dude, can I have your autograph?


No problem, bra!


Grab him, guys!


Hey, just one more!


Then I'll stop, promise!


[ ♪ ]