02x04 - Football

[bunniefuu]

Ahh, music.

Ahh, cheese.

If I was stranded on an island,

And I could only bring , things,

I'd bring these headphones,

That stereo,

And cds.

And a girl.

It's not that I like eating cheeses that much,

I just like looking at them,

Sniffing them, feeling them.

Do you know that josh sometimes feels cheese?

There are so many different kinds.

There's so much cool music out there.

You got pop, you got blues, hip-hop.

You got mozzarella, you got swiss, cottage.

Heavy metal, punk.

Parmesan, string.

Jazz.

Feta.

R&b.

And, of course, my number-one cheese...

And my favorite music, rock'n'roll.

Cheddar.

Cheddar!

You know, josh isn't really into music the way I am.

You know, drake doesn't share my love of cheeses.

Both: oh, well. His loss.

Ahh, music.

Ahh, cheese.

[Bell rings]

Oh, valerie.

Mandy.

Mandy, it's your lucky day.

Excuse me, but would you

By any chance be a cheerleader?

How did you guess?

Was it my pompoms?

My uniform?

Oh, you know, I didn't even notice that uniform.

I guess I was too busy

Looking at your incredible eyes.

Incredible eyes.

You know, you're only the fourth guy

To try that line on me today.

Oh, yeah?

How did it work out for the first ?

Not as well as it's working for you.

Hey, brother, I've got to show you

This really cool magic trick.

Not the time, josh.

Not the time? It's always magic time!

Hi, cheerleader. Hold this egg.

Josh, I was in the middle of--

Students and faculty!

Gather round to witness the amazing josho

Make the egg of a chicken disappear.

Just k*ll me.

First, I will cover the egg.

Now, if I can just get the magic word

From my lovely assistant?

I don't know the magic word.

I was talking to drake.

Josh, I don't want to say--

Say the magic word.

Say it. You know you want to say it.

Come on, say the magic word.

Please, just say it. Say it, please.

Just say the magic word.

Josh-a-kazaam.

Louder, so the egg can hear it.

Fine. Josh-a-kazaam.

Thanks.

, , !

Ta-da.

Oh!

Good trick, josh.

You made a cheerleader disappear.

But my trick worked perfectly at home.

That's not the point, josh.

Doing tricks at school, it's...it's...

It's what?

It's not cool.

Wow. And all this time, I thought I was the cooliest.

That's the kind of thing I'm talking about.

So how do I fix me?

Well, being cool, it's just an attitude, right?

Here, check this out.

Hmm. Hey, drake, looking cool.

You see?

Oh, yeah.

Here, watch me.

Drake: josh.

Ohh.

This is going to be harder than I thought.

Here, see that sign?

What? I'm already in the spanish club.

I happen to be treasurer and vice "presidente."

I was pointing at that sign.

Football try-outs?

"Si!"

I don't know. I'm not really the football type.

But if you become the football type,

That's the kind of thing that will up your cool.

Huh. I do want my cool upped.

Josh.

[Sighs]

How about painting on the weekends?!

♪ I never thought that it would be so simple ♪

♪ But I found a way, I found a way ♪

♪ If you open up your mind

♪ See what's inside

♪It's gonna take some time to realize ♪

♪But if you look inside, I'm sure you'll find ♪

♪ Over your shoulder you know that I told you ♪

♪ I'll always be pickin' you up when you're down ♪

♪ So just turn around

♪ Whoo

Computer: you have mail.

[Laughing]

Megan!

Yeah?

I've told you a thousand times

You're not allowed in our room, so just...

Are you reading my e-mail?

Wait, hang on a sec.

Megan, reading someone's e-mail is against the law.

It's a violation of privacy.

Calm down. It's josh's e-mail.

Oh, cool.

Where is josh anyway?

Uh, I don't know.

Must still be at football try-outs.

Ha ha! Come on, seriously, where is he?

Unh!

Ow ow ow!

Ohh.

Whoa, you look terrible.

Thanks.

And you have new e-mails.

Wait, how did she know how many e-mails--

Forget about that. What happened to you?

Football happened to me.

First I got tackled. Then I got trampled.

And I'm pretty sure someone bit my ankle.

All right, so you didn't make the team.

We'll just find another way to make you cool.

Oh, I made the team.

You did?!

Yeah. Check it out.

No way! That's so cool!

Yeah, it is.

My brother, you are looking

At belleview high school football team's

Brand-new equipment manager!

Equipment manager!

Josh, being the equipment manager

Isn't cool.

But I'm on the team.

No, you work for the team.

Which is uncool.

Well, if I'm so uncool, explain how I have this!

A bag of dirty laundry?

The dirty laundry of football players.

Oh, josh.

At this point, I think you're better off

Going back to your magic tricks.

No way. The team needs me.

I have lots of responsibilities.

I mean, who do you think takes care of the costumes?

Uniforms, josh, uniforms!

Whatever. I think being equipment manager is cool.

I get to be on the team and nobody snacks on my ankles.

If you'll excuse me, I have costumes to wash.

Oh, that's ripe!

Hey, coach davis.

I posted the practice schedules,

Polished the footballs, and mowed the end zone.

Anything else I can do?

Yeah, why don't you make some brownies?

Why brownies?

Why not!

Ok. But don't you think football players

Should be snacking on something more nutritious?

Oh, I'm sorry.

Do you want to be the coach?

Oh, no, no, no, no!

I didn't mean anything by it.

No, seriously,

Do you want to be the coach?

'Cause I hate this job.

I wanted to be a singer.

Look at me. Do I look like a singer?

Players: no.

No!

I look like a man living a wasted life!

Some brownies, then?

Yeah, brownies are good.

[Bell rings]

Oh, hey, drake, you got a sec?

Yeah, what's up?

You know my older brother neal, right?

Yeah.

Yeah, well, he goes to san diego state now,

And his fraternity's throwing this huge party.

Oh, sounds cool.

Yeah. And I hear you have a band?

I like where this is going.

Do you think your band will want to play at the party?

At a college party?

Yup. With college girls.

Gig pays bucks.

College party, college girls, money.

Yeah, I think we can make it.

Sweet.

Hey, brother.

Oh, no, not now!

What's up, fellas?

Lady fella.

What's up.

What's up.

I tell you what's up. Football!

You're on the football team?

Well, actually--

Yes, oh, yes. My brother josh

Is definitely on the football team.

In fact, go long, josh.

Now.

Yeah. I guess this equipment's

Not going to manage itself.

I see. You're the equipment manager.

Josh, I may need another neck rub.

Oh, yeah, no problem, bro. I'll just get you--

Oh!

Are you ok? I'm so sorry!

I'm fine. Let's go, mark.

Later.

Wait! What about the college party?

College party? I'm so there!

Yeah, I think it was canceled.

Neck rub?

Hey, josh.

What's up, megs?

Ooh, making brownies? Can I lick the spoon?

Ah! There will be no spoon-licking in my kitchen.

You know what, josh?

I have dreams.

And sometimes in those dreams,

Things happen to you.

What are you doing?

Making brownies for the football team.

Oh, that's cool, josh.

Maybe afterwards you can knit them some pretty sweaters.

Josh: not just any brownies.

You know how mom makes the double chocolate ones?

Drake: yeah?

Well, I multiplied the recipe by .

That's triple the double chocolate.

Drake: that's triple the double uncoolness.

Josh: well, I think we know someone

Who's not getting one right out of the oven.

Hey, mr. Equipment manager,

Trevor's waiting in his car.

You want a ride home or not?

In a minute. I've just got to finish

Pumping up these footballs, and then i--

Coach: nichols!

Yeah, coach davis?

What do you need me to do for--

What did you do?!

What? What are you talking about?

Your brownies! Look what they did!

[Groaning]

Did you do something to my brownies?

Yeah, josh, I live to sabotage baked goods.

Coach, you better check on witherspoon.

He's really bad.

Witherspoon, are you all right?

[Coughs]

How many brownies did you eat?

.

And I think you're about to see them again.

All right, somebody get this boy a bucket.

I just cleaned the buckets.

All right, that's it.

No game tomorrow night,

We're going to have to forfeit.

[Players protest]

Come on, coach davis. We can't forfeit.

Would you take a look at witherspoon?

Ain't no way he's playing tomorrow night.

And I got nobody else to play center.

Josh will play center!

Josh who?

Josh you.

You'll be great. And cool.

And dead.

Lincoln is the toughest team in the state.

They're animals. Animals!

Will you quit whining, nichols?

Your vomit brownies got us into this.

And you're playing center tomorrow night.

Yes!

No.

[Vomiting]

Run! No, pass! Don't pass! Pass!

Not the sack! Not the sack!

Man on tv: unh! The sack!

Oh, the sack.

What are you doing?

I'm trying to learn how to play football.

Oh. -.

At least you made one touchdown.

No, megan did.

I had to use the bathroom,

So I let her play for a while.

I can't believe you volunteered me to play football!

You know how easily I bruise!

Dude, I did you a favor.

Playing football is way cooler than managing equipment.

And who knows? Maybe you'll do ok.

We're playing lincoln!

Last week they tackled a guy so hard,

He had to go back to the fourth grade!

So?

I hated the fourth grade!

It was my awkward stage.

And this is...

I'm not playing!

I'm telling coach I quit!

You can't quit!

Why not?

Because if you quit, that means we forfeit.

If we forfeit, everyone at school is going to hate you.

And worse, I'm going to be the brother

Of the most hated guy in school.

But I'm not ready to die!

I haven't seen paris!

They eat snails. The people smell bad.

You don't want to go there.

Please! You've got to get me out of this!

I want to be cooler,

But I can't go out there and play

Against the toughest team in the state!

Ok, ok.

He's thinking! He's thinking!

He's snapping!

I got an idea.

He's got an idea!

Ok, you need to stop that.

Done.

Ok, you won't die if you don't play.

So I'm not going to play?

Oh, you're going to play.

It's just not going to be you.

He's confusing me!

Drake.

What?

Being in school at night, it creeps me out.

Really?

I feel that way about school during the day.

Oh, good, here's the janitor.

Ah, yes, the janitor.

Why is that good?

Because that's not just any janitor.

That's zeke braxton.

Zeke braxton?

Yeah, he used to be a great pro football player

Until a head injury ruined his career.

And his memory.

Now he can barely remember anything.

Come on.

Who are you kids?

I'm drake.

And you are? Josh.

And I am?

Zeke. You're zeke.

Right. And you are?

We'll tell you later.

Look, we have a little problem and we need your help.

Does it involve balloons?

No.

Anyway, look, tomorrow night

Our school's playing football against lincoln.

And since you used to play football

I used to play football?

Yes. So tomorrow night,

You put on josh's uniform and play center in the game.

Wait, who is this "josh" you speak of?

Him.

Me!

Nice to meet you.

And you are?

Drake, this will never work.

Yes, it will.

Once he has your helmet on,

Everyone will think it's you.

Ohh.

So, what do you say, zeke? Will you do it?

Yeah, I'll do it. For $,.

Deal.

What?!

Where are we going to get $,?

He's not going to remember.

What if he does?

Hey, who are you kids,

And what are you doing in my chocolate factory?

[Whispering] I think this can work.

Ok. Now I know the lincoln team is bigger than you,

And clearly more talented than you.

But I want you kids to go out there

And win this game!

Why? Because if we make the playoffs,

The principal promised me a used karaoke machine.

And you guys know I wanted to be a singer, right?

Players: yeah.

So I need this karaoke machine.

I've got nothing else to live for.

Nothing!

Hands in.

, , !

[Players yelling]

[Yelling]

Oh!

Finally! Where have you been?

I couldn't find zeke anywhere!

Who's zeke?

You are.

Give him your jersey.

All right, you know what to do, right?

Corn on the cob!

You really think this is going to work?

Totally! Zeke plays, everyone thinks it's you,

You're instantly cool.

Coach: hey, where's nichols?

Get out there!

Play your heart out, zeke! Make me look good!

All right. Unh! Help!

Ok, --, pull!

Feels good.

Yeah, it does.

[Yelling]

[Bang]

Shower.

[Yelling]

Hey.

Zeke! The game!

What game?

Just run that way and play football.

I'll do it!

[Yelling]

Corn on the cob?

I don't know.

How is he, doc? Can he play?

Doesn't look like it.

He's got a pretty bad concussion.

I should go notify his parents.

Ok, doc.

Hey, didn't you want to be a singer?

Go!!

Oh, well, so much for my used karaoke machine.

I've got to tell the rest we're going to forfeit.

Zeke, are you ok?

Unh!

Are you all right?

Yeah. I got hit so hard,

It's all coming back to me now.

I'm zeke braxton.

I'm a janitor!

I'm a janitor.

Hey, you guys owe me , bucks.

Oh, well, looks like I'm on.

What are you talking about?

If I don't play, we forfeit.

Who cares? You don't have to go out there.

Everybody already thinks you played.

You're cool.

It's not about me.

It's about the team. I've got to play.

Now hurry, help me.

Man, it's lincoln. You're going to get m*rder*d out there.

Yeah, probably.

But I can't let my teammates and the whole school down.

I've got to do this.

Hey, you know what, josh?

You're pretty cool.

The cooliest?

Don't ruin it.

Right.

Well, here goes nothin'.

[Yelling]

Hey, if I don't come back...

Remember me as I was.

Will do, brother.

[Yelling]

[Cheering]

You did it, josh! You did it!

Awesome.

What did I do?

You scored the winning touchdown.

Really?

Wait. But I thought that guy from lincoln tackled me.

He did. But he hit you so hard

That he actually knocked you yards into the end zone.

You won the game!

Here, kid, this is for you.

I get the game ball?

Heck, yeah, you deserve it.

Besides, a couple of your teeth are lodged in there.

But the most important thing is, josh,

I'm getting me a used karaoke machine!

♪ Beautiful dreamer

You did great out there, man. You're a hero.

Hey, drake, come here.

Closer.

Ta-da.

Josh-a-kazaam.

Hey, westbrook, what's wrong with your neck?

Mitchell stepped on it.

Ooh. He's a big boy.

I know! Unh!

It really hurts.

Not a problem. Sit.

Excuse me, fellow.

Just relax. Relax.

Ooh, you've got a lot of stress up here.

Yeah, I've been studying for my sats and driver's ed--

[Crunch]

Aah!

Mmm!