02x11 - Mean Teacher

[bunniefuu]

You know, finding the perfect girl to go out with

Takes a lot of luck.

Some people are just born lucky.

I am not one of those people.

Sometimes a girl may seem perfect,

But then just turn out to be horrible.

Ready?

Heads.

It's tails.

Like gabrielle. I dated her for almost a month.

Then I found out her favorite food:

Horse meat.

And tails.

Heads.

Every time?!

I mean, I thought I was in love with that girl,

But then she ate a horseburger.

[Gagging]

Both: you see what I mean by unlucky?

[Coughing]

[Bell rings]

Hey, drake. Hey.

Where did you get that shirt?

Grammy sent it to me. Don't you love it?

Well, how can I put this?

It looks like the most hideous shirts in the world

Got married, and you're wearing their baby.

Well, I think it's handsome.

[Cell phone rings]

Ahh, man! A text message from kelly.

I have a date with her tonight.

Why are you down on kelly? She's cute.

Yeah, but she has this laughing problem.

When is laughing a problem?

Ok, here. Tell me what you had for breakfast.

I don't know, some cereal--

Ha ha ha ha!

Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha!

Ha ha ha ha! Heh heh--heh!

Morning, class. I graded your essays.

Josh, you wrote a wonderful story.

I cried when the leprechaun gave birth.

A-plus.

Thank you, mrs. Hafer. Glad you liked it.

Loved it. In fact, it was so good,

You can skip today's pop quiz.

Wow. A-plus and no quiz.

Today's my lucky day.

Yes, it is. There's your essay, drake.

A d-minus? What's wrong with it?

I don't know. Just write another one.

Dude, she is so mean.

Why does she have it in for me? Mrs. Hafer?

She's the nicest teacher in the whole school.

It's all in your head.

All right, class. Let's begin.

"The iliad" and "the odyssey" were originally written

In what language--drake?

Uh, greek.wrong. Todd.

Greek? Correct.

♪ Well, I never thought that it'd be so simple, but ♪

♪ I found a way, I found a way ♪

♪ If you open up your mind ♪

♪ See what's inside ♪

♪ It's gonna take some time ♪

♪ To realize ♪

♪ Realize ♪

♪ But if you look inside ♪

♪ I'm sure you'll find ♪

♪ Over your shoulder you know ♪

♪ That I told you I'll always be picking you up ♪

♪ When you're down ♪

♪ So just turn around ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

Man, I cannot believe you're still wearing that freak shirt.

Will you stop making fun of my shirt?

I don't make fun of your...

Well, if you had something to make fun of,

I wouldn't make fun of it.

You know what? You're a jerk!

Oh, yeah? Well, you're crazy!

I break up with you!

Good. Here.

You can take back your $, watch.

I don't want it after it's been on your filthy wrist!

Fine!

Here. Have a watch.

And have your ring, too!

Wow. A watch and a ring.

These are gold.

This is, like, the th lucky thing

That's happened to me today.

This shirt-- it has powers.

Yes, josh. The power to make children cry.

Oh, hey, drake.

Oh, here comes kelly.

Hey, cutie.

Uh, you know josh.

Hey, how's it going?

Hee hee hee! Ha ha ha!

Ha ha ha ha!

Good. Ha ha ha!

Yeah, well, let's sit down.

Sorry I'm late.

So, how was school?

Actually, pretty rough.

Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha!

I had a pretty bad day, too.

Uh, what happened?

My hamster d*ed. Ha ha ha ha!

Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha!

It's not funny. Ohh.

Ha ha ha ha!

Ha ha ha ha!

Ha ha ha ha!

Ok.

First we aim.

Next we load the tomatoes.

And now we wait for the boom.

[Beep, boom!]

What the--

Ahh, man!

I missed your head.

How could I have missed your giant head?

First, my head is only slightly larger than average...

Second-- [beep, beep, beep]

D-ohh! Ohh!

Uhh, darn it!

I got to go read the manual.

Wait. Aren't you gonna clean this up?

It's your room.

Who exploded?

Just one of megan's pranks,

But this time she missed me.

Wow. She never misses.

She does when I'm wearing my lucky shirt.

So, how was your date with kelly?

Horrible! Man, I can't take the inappropriate laughing.

I've got to break up with her.

I'm just gonna go to her house and get it over with right now.

Hey. Hey. Where are you going?

Break up with my girlfriend. Have fun.

Josh, your dad's waiting for you downstairs.

"O.r." Is on. "O.r."? Oh, I forgot.

They're doing a colonoscopy on natalie.

Hmm. [Beep]

Kelly, you--you're a really nice girl.

I--i just don't think this is gonna work out.

Oh, no.

Kelly, I'm joining the army.

Navy?

Circus? [Door opens]

Who's out here?

Oh, hey, is kelly ho--ly snot!

What a charming sentiment.

Mrs. Hafer, what are you doing here?

Watching "o.r.," And I'm missing madeline's colonoscopy.

What are you doing on my porch?

Isn't this kelly's address?

Wait. You're the boy who's been dating my daughter?

You're kelly's mom?

I'm going to be sick.oh, right there with you.

Drake, I wasn't expecting you tonight.

Ha ha ha ha ha!

Yeah, I wasn't expecting my english teacher to be your mom.

You're one of my mom's students?

If you use the term student loosely.

Yeah, well, I'd better get going.

Oh, no, no. You came all the way out here.

So, what did you want? Um...

Why don't you take me to play miniature golf?

Oh, you know, I can't--

I'll go get my putter. Ok.

So, uh, heh heh. Nice night, huh?

I hate you. I know.

I cannot believe you didn't know

You were dating mrs. Hafer's daughter.

I never knew kelly's last name.

Besides, they look nothing alike--

Drake!yes, mum--ma'am.

Since you're talking, please tell the class

What is your favorite novel from the th century.

Uh, "catcher in the rye." Wrong.

Wrong? But you asked me what my--

Wrong! But--what--why?

Was I talking to you?

Kinda.

[Bell rings]

Class dismissed.

Hey, josh, you got a gamesphere, right?

Yeah. Why? Something wrong with yours?

No, my dad gave mine away.

[Gasps]

How come?

Well, my family joined this cult,

So I'm no longer allowed to enjoy video games...

Or life.

So, it's your lucky day.

Whoa. There's, like, games in here.

And you're just giving me these?

Yeah. Well, I got to go shave my head.

Man, you are the luckiest guy alive.

When I'm wearing my lucky shirt, I am.

Come on. Let's get to study hall.

Not so fast, drake.

We have to some things to discuss.

[Door closes]

Drake, I'm not going to mince words with you.

You don't know what mince means, do you?

Like breath mints?

Drake, for some reason, my daughter likes you.

I haven't seen her this happy since I bought her that putter.

She's always so full of laughter.

I've noticed.

Kelly's happiness is very important to me.

So I want to be perfectly clear.

You do anything to make her unhappy,

And I will drop a b*mb on your life.

I see.

What exactly does that mean?

You break her heart, you're going to summer school.

Summer school?

That's right. Summer school.

Words even you understand.

Do you understand?

Man: and do you, kelly,

Take drake to be your lawfully wedded husband?

I do! Ha ha ha ha!

Ha ha ha ha!

Do you understand?

I do.

[Electrical zapping]

That's right.

What's up, megan?

Oh, my teacher's making us do a project on our family tree.

So I need a picture of you.

Go sit there. All right.

Cheese.

Just move!

I don't get it.

It works on the banana.

Face it, megan.

You can't get me when I'm wearing my lucky shirt.

Then the shirt must be destroyed.

Good luck.

I'm never taking it off.

Yeah? We'll see.

What a waste of potassium.

[Door opens]

[Door slams]hey. What's up?

Bad things.

What did mrs. Hafer say to you?

That if I break up with her precious daughter,

She's sending me to summer school.

Uhh...

That is so unfair.yeah, it is.

I swear if I hear "ha ha ha ha" one more time,

I'm gonna staple my ears shut.

But what am I gonna do?

I don't know, bro.

Looks like you just--

Wait!

Mrs. Hafer said you couldn't break up with kelly, right?

Yeah...

But what if kelly breaks up with you.

Have you seen me?

Dude, I'm saying you should make kelly break up with you.

Ohh, that's good. I like your words.

Keep saying them.

Uh, well, she likes you, right?

So all you got to do is act un-you-ish.

I'm not jewish.

No. Un-drake-ish.

Now, when are you gonna see her next?

Tonight. She's coming over for dinner.

Perfect.

Now, all you got to do is act like andy schnippman.

The guy from seventh grade that ate lunch at the loser table?

Yeah.

Wait, I ate at that table.

Uh, right. So, what about schnippman?

Ok. Well, remember how he used to, like, eat with his hands

And blow his nose and stuff?

Oh, yeah. That guy was disgusting.

That's right.

So tonight, you be disgusting.

Be the schnippman.

Be the schnippman.

I am the schnippman.

[Whispers] be the schnippman.

Oh, I love spaghetti!

Ha ha ha ha!

Uh, yeah, that great. So, where were we?

Um, oh, we were talking about your music.

Oh, right.

So, what's your favorite song you ever wrote?

Hmm...you know, it's hard to say.

There's so many.

It's kind of like a parent picking their favorite child.

Oh, I got to blow my nose.

Here. You want a tissue?

Oh, thanks.

Keep it.

Drake, you know what I love about you?

[Belches] oh, I am so sorry.

You should be. That was weak.

Check this out. [Loud belch]

I just love how you and I can be

So comfortable with each other. Ha ha ha ha!

Ha ha ha--[squeak] ha ha ha ha!

Hey, how's it going? Great.

Great.

Hey, that's a very interesting shirt.

Do you have a girlfriend?

Me?

Yeah. Would you mind if I set you up with my friend allison?

She just got back from doing some modeling in paris.

She's a model?

Yeah. Oh, and she loves video games and magic tricks.

Shirt, you've done it again!

When do I get to meet her?

Tomorrow night. The of us could meet at the premiere.

Cool.

Oh.

Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha!

Ha ha ha ha! Heh heh.

[Continues laughing]

Ha ha ha ha ha!

Ha ha ha ha!

Man, she's never gonna break up with me.

And we're gonna stay together, get married,

And have little inappropriate- laughing children.

And mrs. Hafer's gonna be your mother-in-law.

Oh...

What are you doing anyway?

Steaming my shirt.

Oh! Please do not tell me you're gonna wear that

On our double date tonight?

Oh, but I am.

This is the luckiest shirt in the world.

It got me a date with a teen model

Who loves magic and video games.

That is the ultimate in female.

Lucky shirt... [Smooch]

You're my polyester angel.

[Telephone rings]

You want to get that?

Nah, the machine will get it.

Drake on machine: hey, it's drake and josh.

Leave your name and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

[Beep]

[Kelly laughs]

Hi, drake. It's kelly.

Me and allison will meet you and josh tonight at :.

Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha!

I can't take it anymore!

I'm gonna make that girl break up with me tonight.

You already tried that, bro. It didn't work.

I know. It's 'cause I need something like a-- a--

That shirt! My shirt?

Your shirt.

No. You don't even believe in its lucky powers.

Yeah, I do. You got video games, gold jewelry,

A date with a model-- your life's not that good.

This shirt is possessed.

I prefer enchanted.

Ok, well, whatever it is, it's lucky,

And I need some luck.

I'm wearing this shirt tonight.

Huh huh huh! You ain't neither!

I will not go to summer school, josh.

I will not!

But I may never get another date with a magic-loving,

Video game playing teen model.

I need my lucky shirt.

I need it more!

What you ju-- would you ju--

Aah! Aah!

Ah, great! Now what?

Hey. Hey, ladies.

They have really good pizza here.

Ha ha ha ha.

Yeah, that's pretty funny.

Allison, i, um, couldn't remember whether you asked

For diet or regular, so I just went with diet,

'Cause you're a model so you're probably watching your figure.

Oh, not that you need to watch your figure.

I--i mean, you have a great body.

Oh, not that I was looking at it.

I just--i just-- oh, jeez.

Ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha.

Um, kelly, I'm moving to africa.

What? Why?

Um, it's part of this whole european foreign exchange program.

Africa's not in europe.

Uh, right. It's like a -way trade.

You know, I go to africa; they send a kid to holland;

My parents get a little dutch boy.

His name is hansel.

Hansel? Hansel!

So, the point is

I'm not gonna be able to see you for a really long time.

Oh. Well, that's ok.

I think that long-distance relationships are really romantic.

Ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha.

Josh, could I speak to you for a sec?

Please!

k*ll me! Would you k*ll me?

Yeah, I should, for ripping my lucky shirt.

It doesn't work all severed.

That's it! Ow!

What's "it"?

We got to put the shirt back together.

Give me the sleeves.no! You give me the torso.

I need the luck!i need the teen model!

Look, there is no way I'm gonna--

I'm so sick of you--

Shh! Calm down!

Let's not fight, all right?

We're all we've got.

Ok. You just give me the sleeves for minutes and let

The shirt work its magic for me,

And then you can have it back for the rest of the night.

All right. Minutes.

Quickly. Come on, come on, come on.

Put your arm through.

Go go go.

Um, drake, can I talk to you for a sec?

Uh, sure.

Ha ha ha ha.ha ha ha ha.

What's up?

Drake, there's no easy way to say this.

I just don't think it's working out,

You know, us.

Are you breaking up with me?

Ha ha ha ha!

I'm so sorry.

No, no. Don't be sorry.

Consider me dumped. Bye.

You are gonna tell your mom that you dumped me, right?

Uh, sure. I guess.

Great. You do that. Bye!

Hug me, brother!

What happened?

She dumped me! I'm free.

Free of her and free of summer school.

All yours. May the luck be with you.

Whoo-hoo! Ha ha ha! Whoo-hoo!

Ha ha! Whoo-hoo!

So, what do you think of josh?

Who's josh?

Hey, girls.

Well, I don't want to be a third wheel.

Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha!

Ha ha! Bye.

So, allison-- wow.

You have the most beautiful eyes.

I do?

Thanks.

You want to go to a movie

And not watch the movie?

Why would we do that?

So we can do this.

Race you there!

Oh!

Where is it? It's not in our room.

I checked the laundry.

Whoa, slow down, guys. What's going on?

The shirt's missing.

We gotta have that shirt!

It made a model kiss me!

You mean that hideous shirt?

Yeah. Where is it?

Megan said you didn't want it anymore.

Huh? What?

I gave it to goodwill. [Screaming]

Hey, guys. Uh-oh. Aah!

Mom: boys, boys, boys-- ok, guys, look!

Hey, hey!

I'm sure megan didn't know that shirt was important to you.

I was just trying to help the less fortunate than us.

Oh. Come on, sweetie.

Let's go get rid of some of your dad's ugly shirts.

Ok!

You know what?

Maybe that shirt wasn't lucky.

You think?

Sure. I mean, shirts can't be lucky.

It was all in our heads.

Yeah. You're right.

[Sighs] lucky shirt.

Man on radio: ...as you people know

We have a contest every friday night.

And the winning numbers for tonight's mucho million-dollar jackpot are:

, , , , And .

Man: I won.

I won!

I'm a millionaire!

Man: mmm!