03x08 - Paging Dr. Drake

[bunniefuu]

Josh: ya know? I hate it when

Drake gets me into "situations."

Drake: I love gettin' josh into

"Situations."

Josh: one time, he entered me

Into a chicken wing-eating

Contest.

Drake: like, once, I entered

Josh into a chicken wing-eating

Contest.

Josh: so they ring the bell, and

I start scarfin' down chicken

Wings as fast as I can.

Drake: I swear josh woulda won.

Josh: but the contest got

Stopped when these crazy people

Showed up to protest.

Drake: but the contest got

Stopped by the p.f.c.r.

Josh: the people for chickens'

Rights. They were very upset.

Drake: they were so mad, they

Threw josh in a lake.

Josh: I was thrown into a lake.

Drake: I jumped in and helped

Him swim to shore.

Josh: I was moist and angry.

Drake: I ate some of the

Leftover chicken wings.

Josh: there were things I

Learned that day.

Drake: I learned a few things

That day.

Josh: number one--the people for

Chickens' rights? Cra-zy.

Drake: the p.f.c.r.--Outta

Control.

Josh: number --drake can get me

Mixed up in some pretty insane

Situations.

Drake: josh...not the best

Swimmer. And last...

Both: chicken wings? Pretty

Good.

Man on tv: ...and ...and ...

And . Don't forget to breathe.

Josh: now ya tell me!

Drake: what's up?

Josh: hey, just workin' out.

Drake: why? Megan b*at ya at

Arm-wrestling again?

Josh: it was a tie! Hey,

Check out my bicep. How's it

Feel?

Drake: kinda like a plastic bag

Filled with pudding.

Josh: cute.

What's that?

Drake: potato launcher.

Josh: where'd ya get a potato

Launcher?

Drake: toy store.

Josh: it says here it's for

Children ages to .

Why did you buy this?

Drake: it launches potatoes up

To feet.

Josh: well, then.

Megan: all right, it is freezing

Upstairs.

Drake: whoa, whoa. What do you

Think you're doing?

Megan: turning down the air

Conditioning so I don't freeze

To death.

Drake: yeah, no, you're not.

Josh: yeah, we like it cold up

Here.

Megan: well, I don't.

Drake: too bad, the thermostat's

In our room.

Josh: so knit yourself

A sweater, little girl.

Megan: you know what I'd rather

Knit?

Josh: what?

Megan: a stupid bag so I could

Stuff you in it and sell you in

A convenient pouch.

Drake: I'd buy one. I'll go play

With my potato.

[Turns volume back up]

Man on tv: ok, now we're gonna

Move on to the heavy stuff.

Let's get ready to do a dead

Lift.

Josh: ready.

Man: and squat.

Josh: squattin'.

Man: grip.

Josh: grippin'.

Man: and lift.

[Grunting]

And hold it...hold it...hold it.

[Screaming]

Drake: it works.

* I never thought

That it'd be so simple,

But I found a way,

I found a way,

If you open up your mind,

See what's inside,

It's gonna take some time

To realize,

But if you look inside,

I'm sure you'll find

Over your shoulder

You know that I told you

I'd always be picking you up

When you're down,

So just turn around

Ooh *

Megan: mom, there's a bug on the

Wall.

Audrey: josh, go k*ll the bug.

Josh: go k*ll the bug.

Drake: I don't wanna k*ll the

Bug.

Walter: josh, she asked you to

Do it.

Get up and go squish that bug.

Audrey: right now.

Josh: ok.

Audrey: ok, what up with the

Cane?

Josh: uh, this? Uh...i use it to

k*ll bugs and whatnot.

See?

Audrey: josh!

Walter: what's the matter with

You?

Josh: I don't know. This house

Is tilted.

Megan: no. Josh crushed his foot

And refuses to go to a hospital.

Audrey: you what?

Walter: let's get his shoe off.

Josh: look, don't even worry

About it, all right? I'm--i'm

Sure it's fine. It doesn't

Really even hurt anymore!

Walter: oh, my! Josh!

Megan: cool.

Drake: it looks like mom's

Meatloaf.

Which tastes so good.

Audrey: how did this happen?

Drake: he dropped a barbell on

It.

Josh: yeah, after you sh*t me

With a potato.

Audrey: a potato?

Drake: it's a long story.

Walter: why didn't you tell us

About this?

Josh: because I'm afraid of

Hospitals, all right?!

Walter: oh, come on.

Audrey: do you know how serious

This could be?

Walter: you could lose that

Foot.

Josh: but I love this foot!

Audrey: come on, we have to get

Him to the hospital right now.

Megan: if they have to remove

His foot, can I have it?

Walter: no!

Josh: what's taking so long?

Audrey: they have to develop the

X-rays.

Josh: I hate this place.

Audrey: just be patient.

Get it?

"Patient"? Ha ha ha ha ha!

Ah, why do I try?

Walter: seriously, josh,

I don't know why you're so

Freaked out by hospitals.

Doctor: hurry! Hurry!

Something's gone wrong!

Code red! Code red!

Woman: what's wrong with him?!

Doctor: I don't know!

Josh: I'm outta here.

Audrey: look, here comes drake

With your frozen yogurt.

Josh: good. Did they have

French vanilla?

Drake: yep.

Josh: it's empty.

Drake: yeah.

Josh: headaches!

Doctor: hi, sorry to keep you

All waiting.

Walter: that's okay, doctor.

Audrey: how do his x-rays look?

Doctor: well, not so good.

Megan: are you gonna have to cut

Off his foot?

Doctor: no, it's not that

Serious. But his foot will

Require a bit of surgery.

Josh: see ya.

Audrey: stop that.

So, he really needs surgery?

Doctor: yes, if he wants to have

Complete mobility of his

Left foot, we will have to

Operate.

Walter: will you be doing the

Procedure?

Doctor: no, we'll get him a

Foot specialist.

Josh: specialist?!

Audrey: and when does this

Surgery take place?

Doctor: a few hours.

[Josh squeals]

Doctor: I'll have a nurse check

Him into a room.

Josh: aw, they're gonna carve me

Up like a christmas ham.

Drake: relax. She said it wasn't

Serious.

Audrey: you'll be fine.

Now, listen, your father is

Gonna stay here with you

While I take megan home.

Josh: actually, dad, could you

Run home and pick me up, like,

A couple magazines and my

Laptop? You know, 'cause I'm

Gonna be waiting around for a

While.

Walter: you got it, kid.

Audrey: megan, don't you

Wanna say something to

Your brother before you go?

Megan: I hope ya don't die.

Josh: love you, too.

Man, I'm scared.

Drake: don't be scared, man.

Look, I'm gonna stay right

Here with you, ok? You got

Nothing to worry about.

[Beeping]

Oh. Hang on a second.

Got a text message.

Whoa, ariani just invited me

Over to go night swimming.

Josh: wait, wait, wait.

You're just gonna leave me

Here all alone?

Drake: ariani. Night swimming.

Dude, I gotta go.

Doctor: all right, student

Nurses. We're gonna take a

Minute break and then continue

With our tour.

Drake: I'm gonna stay

Right here with ya, man.

Josh: "once the foot is drained,

The surgeon must carefully and

Slowly scrape the metatarsal

Bones."

Woozy!

Drake: good afternoon.

Josh: oh, hey, doc.

Look, I was just on the

Internet, reading about foot

Surgery, and I wanted to

Ask you a couple questions--

Drake: yes?

Josh: what are you doin'?!

Drake: playing doctor.

Josh: playing?!

Drake: yeah. Dude, this

Hospital's like crawling with

Cute nurses.

Josh: so? They're all like

In their twenties.

They don't want to go out

With some guy in high school.

Drake: exactly. So I found this

Closet with doctor's stuff,

Put it on, and in the past

Half-hour, I've made like

Dates with the hottest nurses.

Josh: what?!

Drake: what?

Josh: you can't do that!

Drake: sure I can.

Look. Michelle's thursday,

Kristen's friday, lateesha's

Saturday. Ow!

You hurt me with a sandwich.

Josh: come here!

You can't impersonate a doctor!

It's against the law!

Drake: I'm not "impersonating" a

Doctor. I'm pretending to

Be one.

Josh: pretending to be a

Doctor is illegal!

If they catch you,

They will put you in jail.

Drake: oh. I would not do well

In jail.

Josh: yeah!

Drake: that's ok. I'll

Just take the doctor's stuff

Off and--

Dr. Carlson: josh nichols?

Hello there. I'm dr. Carlson.

I'll be doing the surgery on

Your foot in a few hours, so I

Thought I'd stop by to

Say--oh, I'm sorry.

I didn't realize I was

Interrupting. Doctor.

Drake: doctor.

Dr. Carlson: I don't think

We've met before.

Drake: uh...right, right.

You see, I'm just filling in.

Dr. Carlson: just filling in?

Just filling in?

Oh, my goodness! Of course!

You're dr. Nussbaum?!

Drake: yes. Yes, I'm

Dr. Pus-baum.

Josh: nussbaum.

Drake: nussbaum.

It's good to meet you.

Dr. Carlson: well, no, no,

Believe me. It's a pleasure for

Me to meet you. Just--

Students, please. Please, come

In here! All of you. All of

You. Come on in. Students,

May I introduce you to dr.

Elliot nussbaum, the

Youngest surgeon to ever

Graduate from harvard medical

School.

Drake: really?! I mean, yes.

That is what I did.

Dr. Carlson: we weren't

Expecting you until tonight.

Drake: oh, well, you know, you

Lose track of time when you're

So busy saving the lives.

Dr. Carlson: indeed. All of

These are medical students

At u.c.l.a.

Drake: ah.

Dr. Carlson: would you mind

Telling them your incredible

Story?

Drake: well...excuse me. They

Want to hear my story.

Josh: I'd tell 'em your story.

Drake: interesting. Uh...

Dr. Carlson: oh, I'm sorry. I

Should have known that you

Don't want to appear

Braggadocios.

Drake: yes. "Bragagadocios."

I know what that means.

Dr. Carlson: at the age of ,

Dr. Nussbaum graduated from

Harvard medical school.

Drake: right.

Dr. Carlson: by , he was

Published in the new england

Journal of medicine.

Drake: sure.

Dr. Carlson: and to think that

You grew up in kansas on a

Corn farm.

Drake: ah, yes. We grew all

Kinds of corn there. On the cob,

Popped, creamed.

Dr. Carlson: ha ha ha ha! Oh!

That's that nussbaum sense of

Humor that we've heard so

Much about.

Drake: uh, yes. Well, I should

Be going now. So many--

Dr. Carlson: wait just a minute.

Doctor, I'm just about

To perform a foot procedure on

A female patient of mine.

Drake: ah, yes! Female.

Dr. Carlson: and the doctors in

Training here would benefit

So much more by watching you do

It than myself.

Drake: oh, no, no, no.

Dr. Carlson: no, no, no.

Please, please, please, please.

It would be an honor to watch

A genius like yourself

Perform surgery.

Drake: no, really, I can't.

Dr. Carlson: why not?

Drake: I don't know how.

Dr. Carlson: ha ha ha ha ha!

A brilliant surgeon and funny!

Oh, score another one for

Nussbaum.

Drake: no. You don't understand.

I really have to go.

Dr. Carlson: oh, no, no, no,

Sir. You are in for such a

Treat. You are about to see

Genius perform surgery!

Right this way.

We won't take no for a--

Drake: no, sir, i--i can't.

Dr. Carlson: there we go.

Drake: any advice?

Josh: for the surgery or prison?

Dr. Carlson: doctor! This way.

Drake: ohhhhh.

Walter: pardon me, nurse?

Nurse: yes?

Walter: could you tell me what

Time my son's surgery is

Supposed to start?

His name is josh nichols.

Nurse: oh, I'm sorry.

He passed away.

Walter: what?!

Nurse: oh, wait.

Josh nichols.

His surgery doesn't begin

For a couple more hours.

Walter: thanks.

Nurse: sure.

Dr. Carlson: the operating room

Is right this way, doctor.

Drake: oh, you know, I really

Think you should be the one

Performing this operation.

Dr. Carlson: and miss the chance

To learn from a doctor like you?

Oh, no. This is the opportunity

Of a lifetime. Right this way.

Drake: uhh!

Dr. Carlson: right this way,

Dr. Nussbaum.

Drake: you know, I think it's

Really nice that you want me

To...uhhh...

Who are all these people?

Surgeon: I hope it's ok,

Dr. Nussbaum, but

When the hospital staff found

Out that you were performing

The surgery, well, everyone

Wanted to observe.

Drake: wow. How great.

So, foot surgery, huh?

What are we talkin' about?

An ingrown toenail or something?

Dr. Carlson: no, no.

This patient requires major

Reconstruction of the foot.

Drake: major?

Dr. Carlson: yes. She got that

Right foot got caught

In a food processor.

Drake: what was she making?!

Dr. Carlson: I don't know.

But boy, it makes you think,

Doesn't it?

Well, shall we scrub up?

Drake: oh, I'm cool.

I took a shower last night.

Dr. Carlson: ha ha ha ha!

My god, man, you are a joke

Machine.

Drake: yeah.

Audrey: megan!

Megan: yes, mommy?

Audrey: where are you?

Megan: um...

Hang on.

I'm in drake and josh's room.

Audrey: there you are.

Don't you want dinner?

I ordered chinese.

Megan: oh, cool. Sure.

Audrey: uh, what are you doing

In the boys' room?

Megan: oh, I just wanted to

Clean up a little, make sure

Everything's nice for josh when

He gets home from the hospital.

Audrey: you know, I don't think

Josh has any idea how lucky

He is to have a little sister

Like you.

Megan: it's ok.

His happiness is my reward.

Dr. Carlson: anytime you're

Ready, doctor.

Drake: ok.

Anesthesiologist: why don't

You start the operation already?

Drake: right. Uh...

I will first begin by making

A small incision by the

Big toe bone...

Josh: hello, everyone!

Sorry I am late!

Dr. Carlson: excuse me,

Who are you?

Josh: ha ha ha! I am dr.

Vishi-swoz.

Dr. Carlson: dr. Vishi-swoz?

I'm afraid I've never heard of--

Drake: yes! Doctor, I've been

Waiting for you.

Dr. Carlson: you know

Each other?

Josh: indeed. Dr. Nussbaum and I

Studied together

At the college of harvard.

Drake: yeah. You see, dr.

Vishi--

Josh: swoz...

Drake: ...swoz is actually my

Assistant.

Josh: I prefer to be

Thought of as a colleague.

Drake: colleague, assistant.

What's the difference?

Josh: well, it makes a

Difference to my mother!

Anesthesiologist: we must

Begin the surgery before

The anesthesia wears off!

Dr. Carlson: yes, doctor. We

Really need to be--

Josh: oh, ok, but before we

Start the surgery, I must

Speak to dr. Nussbaum privately.

Josh: ah, right. You see, we

Always chat before i--

Josh: ok. Excuse us, please!

Have you completely

Lost your mind!?

Drake: what?!

Josh: you're seriously gonna

Operate on a person?!

Drake: what am I supposed to

Do?!

Josh: tell them you're not

A real surgeon!

Drake: don't you think I want

To?! Man, you're the one that

Told me I could get arrested for

Pretending to be a doctor.

You tell me how to get out of

This!

Josh: ok.

All right. Just follow my lead.

Ha ha ha! Okey-dokey.

Dr. Nussbaum is ready for to

Do the surgery on the foot

Person.

Drake: I am?

Dr. Carlson: you are.

Drake: I am. Ok...

Well, I'll begin by making a

Small incision right here

By the tickle nerve. Here I go.

Josh: I kissed your wife.

Drake: what?

Josh: I kissed your wife.

Nurse: doctor nussbaum's

Married?

Josh: oh, yes!

Nurse: but he asked me out!

Second nurse: he asked me out!

Third nurse: he made out with

Me!

Dr. Carlson: nussbaum, you dog.

Is there anything this guy can't

Do?

Anesthesiologist: I wish he'd do

This surgery!

Dr. Carlson: yes, doctor. We

Really need to get--

Drake: you kissed my wife?!

Josh: I can't help it. She is so

Pretty and sweet smelling.

Drake: I can't believe you,

After all we've been through

Together at harvard?!

Josh: well, I am just a man!

Drake: yeah. A man who kissed my

Wife!

Dr. Carlson: doctor, I realize

This is an awkward moment,

Drake: I can't believe you,

Vishi-swoz!

Josh: well, it is your fault!

Drake: my fault?!

Josh: yes! You do not satisfy

Her needs.

Drake: don't you tell me about

My wife!

Josh: oh, I will tell you

Something about your wife, and

This is what it is.

Drake: you know, I ought to

Punch you, man!

Josh: so, you punch me. I will

Punch you back!

Drake: no! Hey, don't you walk

Away from me!

Josh: I am walking away!

Drake: you're talking about my

Wife! I wanna know what's been

Going on, vishi-swoz!

Patient: is my foot fixed?

Drake: hug me brothah!

Man, you were great!

Josh: yeah. You too, bro!

Drake: "vishi-swoz?"

Josh: it's a soup!

Drake: I must try some.

Josh: we better get all this

Stuff off.

Drake: yeah, you're right. Hey.

Here. Gimme. Man, you better get

Off that foot.

Josh: yeah. No doubt.

The little pants.

Ok, bad foot, bad foot.

Drake: sorry, sorry, sorry.

Josh: , , , go! I'm all

Right.

Drake: look, man, I'm really

Sorry about making you break

Your foot.

Josh: I'm sorry I kissed your

Wife.

Drake: how was she?

Josh: oh, excellent.

Dr. Carlson: excuse me.

Drake: oh. Hi, there. Um...

Listen, I'm really sorry

About that argument I got into

With my assistant. You know how

We doctors can be.

Dr. Carlson: yes, yes. Well, I

Was actually just coming down

To talk to you about that when I

Ran into somebody on the

Elevator.

Drake: who's he?

Dr. Carlson: this is

Dr. Nussbaum.

Josh: you mean he's an imposter?

Dr. Carlson: it would appear so.

Are you aware that you could go

To prison for impersonating a

Doctor?

[Glass shattering]

Josh: man, I cannot believe you

Jumped out that window.

Drake: I can't believe I broke

My arm.

Josh: yeah, but at least you

Don't have to worry about--

Uhh! Ok. Is it like really cold

In here?

Drake: yeah. Look. [Exhales]

Josh: it must be like

Degrees.

Megan: degrees and dropping.

Drake: all right, megan.

What'd you do?

Megan: I just modified the air

Conditioning in your room.

You guys did say you like it

Cold, right?

Josh: yeah. That's right.

Drake: yeah. We love it cold.

Josh: so if you thought this was

Gonna upset us, too bad!

Drake: didn't work.

Josh: so ha!

Drake: and ha!

Megan: good. Enjoy the weather.

Boobs.

Josh: well, it looks like we

Foiled her little plan.

Drake: yeah, so she made the

Room a little cold.

Like we care.

Josh: wanna watch some tv?

Drake: sure.

Character on tv: captain,

It appears we've been att*cked.

Josh: dude?

Drake: I know.

Drake: aw, here, come on, man.

Let me take you to the hospital.

Josh: no, no. I'll be fine.

Drake: come on. You said it was

Broken.

Josh: ow! I'm not going to any

Hospital. Look, I'm sure it's

Just a bruise.

Drake: man, I don't know what

Happened. I just shoved the

Potato in here but it wasn't

Supposed to go off until I

Pressed the--

[Thud]

[Potato sh**t fires]

Josh: pffft!

Man: mmm!