03x13 - Little Sibling

[bunniefuu]

[cr*ck]

You know what makes me feel

Good? Volunteering to help

People.

You know what's fun? Instant

Messaging girls at once.

Like one time, I made drake

Come with me to volunteer at

This home for the elderly.

But it was notfun when josh

Brought me to some old folks'

Home to help out.

We met this couple who was in

Their late eighties, murray and

Francine boshwit.

Which is where I got to meet

Murray and francine boshwit.

Mrs. Boshwit tried to cut

Drake's hair, 'cause she thought

He was a hippie.

Next thing I know, she's

Comin' at me with scissors

Yellin', "hold still, hippie!"

And then mr. Boshwit starts

Telling us these stories.

Then her husband starts

Yappin' about the old days.

Which wouldn't have been so

Bad, except that he was eating

Meatloaf while he talked.

And the whole time he's

Talkin', he's scarfin' down

Meatloaf.

It was kind of like...

Imagine this.

Imagine this. [Mumbling]

[Mumbling]

[Mumbling] you give me on

Good reason why they should have

Canceled bonanza.

Anyway, I went back to that

Old folks' home a bunch of

Times.

I never went back there

Again.

'Cause I really like cheering

Up old people.

'Cause instant messaging

Girls is way more fun that

Having mr. Boshwit spit meatloaf

Having mr. Boshwit spit meatloaf on your face.

On your face.

[cr*ck]

[Bell rings]

Oh, jeez! Taylor, have

You seen drake? Hey.

What's up?!

Have you seen drake?!

No, sorry. Oh, hey, did that

No, sorry. Oh, hey, did that ointment make your rash go away?

Ointment make your rash go away?

A little louder. I don't

Think they heard you in

Australia!

What do you need drake for so

Bad?

I don't. Mrs. Hayfer already

Hates him. If he's late one more

Time, she's gonna be really

Mad--

Good morning, adolescents.

Please take your seats. Taylor,

Take off your headphones or I

Take off your headphones or I will sell them on the internet.

Will sell them on the internet.

Oh. We have an empty seat. Who's

Not here?

Mrs. Hayfer, the lunch

Ladies are fighting again.

What is it about sloppy joe

Day that makes those women so

Violent? Helga?! Helga?

So what are the lunch ladies

Fighting about?

They're not fighting.

Then why did you tell mrs.

Hayfer that they were fighting?

Thank you, becca.

Of course.

And how could I ever repay

You?

You? I think you can guess.

I think you can guess.

Let me know if you need more

Help.

Let me know if you need any

Let me know if you need any more drake.

More drake.

Oh, and, uh, josh, you left your

Ointment at home.

Is nothing personal?

Well, the lunch ladies were

Not fighting and I don't know

Not fighting and I don't know why those girls called me--

Why those girls called me--

Drake parker. Were you here when

I left?

Oh, yeah, totally, you

Probably didn't see me because I

Had my face buried in this book.

Are you lying to me, drake?

Would I lie to you?

Let me think. Yes. But I know

Someone who never lies. Josh,

Was drake on time to my class

Today?

Ha ha. Um...you know, like,

What is timewhen you think

About it? Because, you know,

Einstein theorized that time is

Actually kind of--

Josh.

No, he wasn't here on time.

Josh!

He told that girl to come in

Here and trick you into leaving

So he could sneak into class.

I'm sorry, but I can't lie

And if you m*rder me

In my sleep tonight, I'd

Appreciate you doing it in away

That's not painful. Is that too

That's not painful. Is that too much to ask?

Much to ask?

♪ I never thought

That it'd be so simple,

But I found a way,

I found a way,

If you open up your mind,

See what's inside,

It's gonna take some time

To realize,

But if you look inside,

I'm sure you'll find

Over your shoulder

You know that I told you

I'd always be picking you up

When you're down,

So just turn around,

Ohhhhh ♪

[Bell rings]

See you tomorrow, class.

Ok. How many days of

Detention are you gonna give me?

None.

None?

She said none?

I heard the none.

I'm putting you in remedial

English.

Aah!

What's the matter, drake?

Did you not enjoy your last

Experience in remedial english

Class?

[Shouting]

Would someone like to come to

The board and diagram that

Sentence? And perhaps untie me.

Stop talking!

[Grrr]

Oh, I don't think you're

Allowed to have dogs at school.

You leave cuddles alone!

[Woof woof woof]

I hear you kiss good.

Oh, no, not really.

You're our new boyfriend.

I get to kiss him first!

No, I do!

No, you don't!

Ow! Ow, ow, ow, ow.

Kiss me!

Save me, cuddles! Aah!

Ok, you cannot put me back in

Remedial english.

Well, there is one other

Option.

What other option?

I could give you a little

Sibling.

Sibling. A baby pig?

A baby pig?

A sibling is a brother or

Sister.

Yes. My husband jerold is a

Sponsor for the little sibling

Foundation.

I'm almost sure siblings are

Baby pigs.

Baby pigs. Well, they're not!

Well, they're not!

Little siblings is an

Organization that matches up

Underprivileged kids with an

Older brother or sister.

So you're gonna punish me by

Making me baby-sit some kid?

I'm hoping that it will teach

You to be responsible. It's your

Choice, drake. You can either

Get a little sibling or you can

Go back to remedial english

Class. Which will it be?

Class. Which will it be? I'll take the baby pig.

I'll take the baby pig.

I'll take the baby pig. [Doorbell rings]

[Doorbell rings]

Hi. Are you drake?

That's me.

I'm jerold hayfer. My wife is

Your english teacher.

Right.

She hates you.

I know.

Well, this is sammy. Try not

To screw him up. Later.

To screw him up. Later. [Alarm beeps]

[Alarm beeps]

So?

So...when are you getting

Picked up?

I just got here.

Uh, right. Well, I got some

Stuff here for you to play with.

Here. Check it out.

Ok.

Remote control car.

Cool. It's missing two

Wheels.

Yeah. Uh, and here's a paddle

Thingy and some coloring books

And a calculator and...tinfoil.

Have fun.

Wait. What are you gonna do?

Watch tv.

Well, can't we do something

Together?

Ugh! Like what?

You can help me with my

Homework.

Yeah, I don't even do my own

Homework.

But I need help with

Fractions.

[Sighs] all right. Let's take

A look at your homework.

Cool. Ok. This week we're

Learning about least common

Denominators.

[Cell phone ringing]

Like if I want to add / and

/, I'm supposed to multiply

The denominators--

Oh. I gotta take this. Hey,

Carmella, how's it goin'? Oh,

Carmella, how's it goin'? Oh, you do? Ohh, you do?

You do? Ohh, you do?

You do? Ohh, you do? No, I'm not busy.

No, I'm not busy.

Yeah, I'd love to hear about

Your dream.

Uh, hello. I still exist.

Uh-huh. Oh, so you were

Captured by pirates. Oh, by

Alien pirates. They were all

Named drake? Interesting.

Uh-huh. Yeah. Yeah. Talk a

Uh-huh. Yeah. Yeah. Talk a little slower. Really?

Little slower. Really?

Now, I pour the milk into my

Magic newspaper and say the

Magic word.

Ooh, can I say it?

Sure. Say sammy kaazam.

Sammy kaazam!

And...ta-da!

There you are. What are you

Doin' up here?

Hangin' with josh.

What are you doin'?

Making milk disappear.

Dude, sammy's supposed to be

Hangin' out with me. You want

Hayfer to stick me back in

Remedial english with that

Vicious dog and the love-starved

Bartlebee sisters?

Sorry! He just wandered up

Here with some tinfoil looking

All bored.

He wasn't bored. Come on,

Sammy, let's go have some fun.

I'm having fun here.

I'm having fun here. No, you're not. Come with me.

No, you're not. Come with me.

No, you're not. Come with me. [Dripping]

[Dripping]

Ok, see those girls?

Yeah.

Ok, I say , and then

/. You agree?

No. They're way older than

That.

Sammy, we're rating them on

Their hotness.

Well, I'm bored. I'm gonna go

Get a drink.

Get a drink. Ooh, get me one.

Ooh, get me one.

Hey, what's up, sammy?

Josh! What are you doin'

Here?

I'm just getting ready for my

Shift.

You work here? That's so

Cool!

Thanks. Hey, you want to go

Check out the candy counter?

Uh, yeah!

Come on. I'll give you the

Full tour.

Awesome!

Go right over there. Now,

Here we have the candy, e.g.,

Mega b*mb bars, flutter-nutter,

Sugar noogie. Come 'round here.

Come on. Now, right over here,

We have the popcorn machine and

Livin' right next to it, we got

The imitation butter dispenser.

You know, for all your synthetic

Buttery needs. And right over

Here, we've got a personal

Favorite of mine...the hose of

Many sodas.

Sammy, what are you doin'?

I'm thirsty here. Oh, and guess

Who just walked in? Nines and

A ten.

Who cares about girls?

Aah! Sammy, don't eversay

That. Come on. We got a lot to

Do.

No. I want to stay here with

Josh.

What?

I want himto be my big

Sibling.

Ahem! Mrs. Hayfer. [Coughing]

Very, very interesting.

Mrs. Hayfer, what are you

Doing out in...public?

Apparently watching you fail

Miserably. Josh, would you take

Sammy to the nurse for a moment?

There's no nurse here.

To the nurse!

To the nurse! Come on, sammy!

Come on, sammy!

Mrs. Hayfer, I can explain.

Drake, we had a deal. You

Stay out of remedial english as

Long as you're sammy's big

Sibling, but if sammy prefers

Josh, well, I think we know what

Josh, well, I think we know what will happen to you.

Will happen to you.

[Shouting and barking]

Aah!

[Woof woof woof]

Won't someone please call the

Police?!

[Woof woof woof]

Ok, ok. Just give me one

Day, and I promise sammy will

Love me.

Make sure it happens. Oh,

And, drake, guess what.

What?

I hate you.

I hate you. I know.

I know.

Now to make chicken pie-yard,

You must first pound your

Chicken with a mallet.

Your mallet, chef josh.

Why, thank you, chef sammy.

Why, thank you, chef sammy. Now, pound it!

Now, pound it!

Megan. You just walked

Through the sh*t.

What are you talking about?

We're pretending to be tv

Chefs.

With our own cooking show.

What's it called, the iron

Boob?

That's it! Off the set!

Whatever.

Now chef sammy will show us

Our finished product.

Chicken pie-yard for .

Mmm! Pie-yardy.

Man, you're so much fun!

Yeah? You, too, buddy.

No, I mean it. You're, like,

The coolest guy ever!

Seriously?

Yeah!

Well, that's a first.

What do you mean?

You know, with drake being my

Brother, people usually think

He's the cool guy, so it's

Kinda nice having someone think

It's the other way around for

Once.

[Footsteps running down stairs]

Josh! Hey, sammy. I got to

Talk to you.

All right, listen, josh, you

Gotta help me. I'm in big

Trouble.

Whose girlfriend did you hit

On now?

I'm talkin' about sammy.

Sammy has a girlfriend?

Focus!

Focus! Ow!

Ow!

Ow! Ow!

Ow!

Time out! Now, listen, if

Sammy doesn't want me to be his

Big sibling, then mrs. Hayfer's

Gonna send me straight back to

Remedial english. And I will not

Make out with the bartlebee

Sisters. I just won't do it.

What do you want me to do?

Here's the plan. You be mean

To sammy.

What?

Well, come on. If sammy

Hates you, then he'll just come

Running straight back to me.

What kind of twisted person

Are you?

Does it matter what kind?

Don't you care about me?

Somewhat.

Well, then be a good person.

Go in there and make that little

Boy cry.

I will not!

Ok, fine, you little sibling

Stealer. We'll just see who

Sammy wants to hang out with.

Fine. I've got a cooking show

To go finish.

Oh, yeah? What's it called,

The iron boob?

The iron boob? My joke.

My joke.

All right, sammy, you ready?

Ready!

Ready! Ok.

Ok.

And your answer is...

Mocha cola.

Correct! All right. Round

Correct! All right. Round two.

Two.

Mountain fizz.

Correct! All right, lightning

Correct! All right, lightning round.

Round.

Um...root beer, ginger ale,

Diet mocha cola!

Ding ding ding ding ding!

Correct! Congratulations! You,

My friend, have just won

Yourself an all-expense paid

Yourself an all-expense paid trip to puerto vallarta!

Trip to puerto vallarta!

Whoa!

What's goin' on?

Hey, sammy, you like my

Machine?

Sure!

Well. Come hop up.

Whoa! This rocks!

That's right. Enjoy the

That's right. Enjoy the vehicle.

Vehicle.

You must be pretty proud of

Yourself.

Yeah. Cool four-wheeler, huh?

I borrowed it from trevor. Sammy

Loves it.

I can't believe this. What,

You think you can buy him back

With this green thing?

Probably. But just in case, I

Also have two tickets to the

Sold-out blaine darvey magical

Extravaganza.

Ooh ahh!

Wow! Do I get to go?

Yep, and then afterwards, I

Thought we'd go to the

All-you-can-eat buffet at the

Jen & berry's ice cream

Emporium.

Oh, my god!

Yeah. I'd ask you to come,

Josh, but I know you have to

Work here in this boring old

Work here in this boring old movie theater. See ya.

Movie theater. See ya.

Wow!

Hey, who's the cool guy on

The four-wheeler?

The four-wheeler? Mmmah!

Mmmah!

And now chef sammy will show

Us the finished product.

Chicken pie-yard for .

Mmm! Pie-yardy!

Ha ha! Man, you're so much

Fun!

Yeah?

Hey, josh.

Hi.

Hey, man, I'm really sorry I

Had to take sammy away from you,

But I could not deal with

Remedial english.

Whatever. It's cool. I'm

Goin' over to mindy's.

Oh, come on. You're mad at

Me.

No, I'm not. Sammy doesn't

Mean anything to me. He's just

Mean anything to me. He's just some kid. I don't even care.

Some kid. I don't even care.

Man, you're so much fun!

You, too.

No, I mean it. You're, like,

The coolest guy ever!

Seriously?

Yeah.

Well, that's a first.

What do you mean?

You know, drake being my

Brother, people usually think

He's the cool guy. So it's kinda

Nice havin' someone think it's

The other way around for once.

The other way around for once. Thanks, sammy.

Thanks, sammy.

[Doorbell rings]

Thanks for the ride, mr.

Hayfer!

Hi, sammy.

Hey, megan. Where's drake?

Over here.

Hey, drake.

What's up, sammy?

You ready to go?

I can't. I'm really sick.

But we're supposed to go see

The blaine darvey magic show.

And then the ice cream buffet.

Sorry, buddy, I can't go.

But, hey, I don't think josh has

Plans. Why don't you see if

He'll take you?

Ok. Hey, josh! Josh!

Hey, what's up, sammy?

You busy?

No, I was just upstairs

Watching oprah.i mean football.

I love oprah!

Oh, my god! Is she great or

What? I thought you and drake

Were supposed to be at a magic

Show.

No, he's sick. You want to

Take me?

Yeah, sure. Yeah, love to.

Are you sure you're too sick to

Go?

I guess I could try.

Aah! No. Yeah, I got pancreas

Troubles.

You guys go have fun.

Will do. Come on, sammy,

Let's go.

You think blaine darvey will

Do the trick where he turns a

Sheep inside out?!

Sheep inside out?! If we're lucky!

If we're lucky!

Pancreas troubles?

Yeah, that's right.

You don't even know where

Your pancreas is.

Yes, I do. It's right...it's

Somewhere in the tummy area.

You're not sick.

All right, so I'm not sick.

So?

So what did you make it up

For?

I don't know. I just think

That being sammy's big sibling

Means a lot more to josh than it

Does to me.

So you faked pancreas trouble

To make josh feel good?

Yeah.

Yeah. You aresick.

You aresick.

And on the count of , I

Shall turn this ordinary sheep

Inside out!

[Baa]

One......!

[Aab aab aab]

Wow! Amazing!

Oh, my god!

Outstanding! You did it

Again, darvey!

I know!

I know! Was that cool or what?

Was that cool or what?

So I understand sammy wants

Josh to be his big sibling, not

You.

Yep, that's right.

Can't say that I blame him.

But you know what this means for

You, drake, don't you? Do you

You, drake, don't you? Do you know what it means?

Know what it means?

[Woof woof woof]

[Shouting]

Would someone please cut me

Down?

Pucker up, boyfriend.

Oh, I don't want to.

I get to kiss him first.

Ow. Ow, ow.

Uh, mr. Talbot, the principal

Wants to see drake right away.

Very well. Drake, you may go.

Very well. Drake, you may go. Yes, sir!

Yes, sir!

Why does the principal want

To see me?

He doesn't.

I love you.

I know.

I know. [Woof woof woof]

[Woof woof woof]

Hey, what if blaine darvey

And oprah ever did a show

Together?

Oh, don't tease me! Let's go!

Hey, you guys want to see the

Coolest magic trick ever?

No.

You people are dead inside.

[Baa]

Mmm!

Mmm! [Electric buzzing]