04x12 - Eric Punches Drake

[bunniefuu]

[Music]

Why do people at school

Always gossip and spread rumors?

A couple weeks ago

I was bored at school,

So I started tellin' people

Stuff about josh.

This story

Started going around

That I eat squirrels.

I told everyone josh

Was on this new squirrel diet.

And then the rumors

Got even worse.

Then I made up worse stuff.

Somehow, people got the idea

That after I eat the squirrels,

I use their fur

To make my own underwear.

It was all lies.

Oh, the new rumor about me?

And I don't get this one at all.

It said

I have an extra toe growin'

Out of my bellybutton.

People will believe anything.

For cryin' out loud,

My bellybutton is toe-less.

You can ask my swim coach.

He's seen it.

Rumors are fun.

It's so untrue.

[Class bell rings]

Okay, hardest test ever.

I know, right?

I didn't even finish.

Me, either.

[Muttering to himself]

I'm gonna go see

How mindy did.

Hey.

Oh, hi.

Could you believe that test?

Oh, I know. It was so easy.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Too easy.

Anyway, I'm havin' a movie night

At my house this saturday.

You wanna come hang?

Oh, sure.

Hey, we should see one

Of those cheesy karate movies

From the seventies?

Oh, like "dragons of death."

Oh, that movie's sick.

Josh, mindy,

The new chemistry textbooks

Just arrived.

They're in my classroom.

No way.

Oh, come on.

Hey, remember

In "dragons of death"

When billy chang fights

Wakeem the dream?

Remember?

One does not forget

The woo-choo fist of silence--

Oh, my god.

Drake, are you all right?

You knocked him out.

We better go fetch help.

Help! Nurse! Mayday!

Student down!

♪ I never thought

That it'd be so simple,

But I found a way,

I found a way,

If you open up your mind,

See what's inside,

It's gonna take some time

To realize,

But if you look inside,

I'm sure you'll find

Over your shoulder

You know that I told you,

I'll always be

Pickin' you up

When you're down,

So just turn around,

Ooh, ooh ♪

You and mom would stay upstairs

Until my party's over.

I just want some juice

And a macaroon.

Well, please hurry.

All right, people.

Grab your treats

And find your seats.

The movie's about to start

In nine minutes.

Hey, what movie

You guys watchin'?

Ooh, what--

Did you get in a fight

At school?

Oh, oh.

No, not exactly.

It's okay, it's okay,

I understand.

I used to get b*at up at school

All the time.

They used to call me

Walter the doof.

In fact, one time--

Have you ever read a book

Called "embarrassed to death"

By m.y. Dad?

M.y. Dad?

See ya.

See you later.

[Doorbell rings]

Comin'.

Hey, what's up, craig?

Evenin'.

Where's eric?

Oh, he didn't wanna come.

He was afraid drake might be mad

At him 'cause he punched him

In the eye.

He's not mad.

Drake, you're not mad, are you?

No, I'm not mad.

Craig didn't mean to hit me.

I'm craig.

It matters.

Come help me calibrate

The projector.

Awesome.

[Doorbell rings]

Drake, get that?

Got it.

Oh, is it halloween already?

Aren't you a scary little witch?

Oh, look at your black eye.

Well, I hope it hurts.

She-beast.

Micro-brain.

Weird-face.

Ignoramus.

What?

Exactly.

Hey.

Oh, hey.

Sorry, I had to park the car

At the bottom of the hill.

Oh, no problem. Step aside.

Josh!

Aw! Now I gotta reset

The white balance!

No, I need to talk to you.

Get out.

What?

Mindy's here.

I know. I invited her.

Did you invite him?

Who's him?

Her date.

Her...

Her...[Gasping]

I don't care.

Yes, you do.

Now go out there

And make a scene.

No. Mindy and I broke up.

She's allowed to date

Whoever she wants.

And you're cool with that?

Sure, I'm cool.

Okay, everyone.

The movie's about to start.

Please sit down.

Can I use the restroom--

Sit down!

[Music]

Hey, clayton.

Hi.

[Gargling]

Check it out.

It's true.

Hello?

Whoa, it's true.

Oh, the black eye?

Yeah, little accident.

That's not what we heard.

And what did you hear?

That you were makin' fun

Of eric's sister,

So he punched you in the face.

Apparently pretty hard.

I wasn't making fun

Of eric's sister.

This was an accident.

Okay.

We'll go with that story.

Hey, drake.

Heard you got punched

By a nerd.

It was an accident--eric!

Eric!

Oh, hey, drake.

Wanna see our new gyroscope?

We're gonna take it

To astro camp.

Have you been telling

Everyone you hit me on purpose

Because I made fun

Of your sister?

No, course not.

That's what everyone's

Sayin'.

Well, no worries.

I'll make sure everybody knows

It was just an accident.

Good, do that.

W-w-why?

So the lady holds it up

Right in front of my face,

Right? And I say,

"Ma'am, it's looks delicious,

But I'm not giving you bucks

For a meatball."

[Laughing]

[Laughing sarcastically]

Excuse me, josh.

What?

I notice

You're stacking that candy

In an angry way.

I [span]am[/span]angry.

Mindy's over there

With her new boyfriend,

Rubbin' 'em right in my face.

Well, you know,

I also struggle

With an anger problem.

Oh.

Yes.

But now I have this. See,

Whenever I get a little angry,

I just give this

A little squeeze.

Don't drink while I'm talking!

[Toy squeaking]

See how it works?

Uh-huh!

Josh, I need to borrow

Your key to the house.

Where's yours?

I was eatin' a sandwich

In the men's room,

And I think the key--

No, no, no.

First I gave drake a warning.

I says to him,

I says, "hey, drake.

No one makes fun of my sister."

But he just kept runnin'

His mouth,

So I had to pop him one

Right in the eye.

Wow, it's so great

That you stood up to him

Like that.

Well, I like drake,

But he had it comin'.

Do you hear that?

Hi, eric.

Oh, hey, drake.

You told me you weren't

The one that was

Goin' around saying--

Um, why don't you guys go

Get us a table over there, huh?

Okay.

Order me a diet mountain fizz.

What are you doing?

You hit me by accident.

I know, I know.

Then why did you start

The rumors that you b*at me up

Because I made fun

Of your sister?

I didn't start the rumors.

I even tried to stop 'em,

But you know how kids gossip

And exaggerate.

And then everybody

Was so impressed

That I stood up to you

That I was,

Like, instantly popular.

Did you see

That girl I was with?

What about her?

She asked [span]me[/span]out.

Usually if I even talk

To a girl like that,

She calls the police.

Look, I don't care, okay?

I'm not gonna let you

Get popular by makin' me

Look like wimp and a jerk.

You're gonna

Start telling the truth.

No.

No?

What do you mean, no?

I am finally popular.

I will not go back

To the cold loneliness

Of planet nerd.

Sorry.

Here, here we go. Hang on.

[Camera beeps]

I hate that guy so much.

Mindy, can I speak to you

For a minute?

Oh, hey, josh.

You wanna join--hey, whoa!

Why are you pulling me?

You know

I don't like to be pulled.

Are you insane?

What are you talking about?

First, you bring

Your new boyfriend to my house,

And now here?

Wait, you mean chad?

Oh, so his name's chad!

Oh, oh, that's perfect.

"Hey, chad!"

Josh nichols,

Are you jealous?

Wipe the grin off.

I just think it's--

Wipe it!

Okay, I'm not finding

Your tone very cute.

Oh, not cute?

Well, what does that mean?

What, am I not handsome

Like pretty, pretty chad?

What is your problem?

I got no problem.

No problem at all.

So why don't you go do with chad

Whatever it is you and chad do.

I don't care one bit!

Really?

Zero bits!

That's the guy

Who got b*at up by a dork.

You really should try this.

[Toy squeaking]

[Squeaking]

[Music]

[Arguing]

Aah!

[Music]

Hey, walter, what's this for?

Oh, josh was all upset

About something,

So to calm down,

He built a house of cards.

Again?

Where is he?

Upstairs getting his camera

So he can take a picture of it.

Okay.

Okay, it's not bad enough

That eric gave me a black eye.

No! Then he had to go

Lie about it,

So now everyone thinks

I'm a jerk and a wimp.

Half the girls I know

Won't even talk to me,

And on the way home,

Some guys called me

Twinklepuff parker.

Aw! Who knocked over

My house of cards?

Drake.

Why would you do

Such a thing?

Dude, I did nothing.

You know I take out

My aggression

With playing cards!

Of course, I do!

Why would I knock

Down the cards?

I been workin' on it all day!

It's very therapeutic!

Okay, you know what?

Enough with the cards!

I've got big problems.

What, that eric thing?

Yeah.

He's lying to everybody

And ruining my life

Just to make himself popular.

Well, you know what?

What?

I'm gonna go find eric

And punch him

Right in his little, nerd head.

You don't wanna do that.

Oh, give me one reason.

Because it's not gonna

Help you, all right?

It's just gonna

Make you look worse.

You gotta handle these things

Maturely.

Kind of like you did

With mindy?

Different!

It's not different.

Mindy rubbin'

Her new boyfriend in my face

Is an outrage. Outrage!

And eric

Wrecking my life isn't?

I'm not saying

It's not, bro, but, look,

You've got to help me with--

[Doorbell rings]

[Whimpering]

Why?

Yuck.

Why?

[Music]

Yeah, I thought about

Being a professional boxer once.

I just hate hurting people.

You know, like I had to do

To drake.

He just pushed me

A little bit too far,

And when that happens...

[Elbow bangs into locker]

Hey, eric.

Uh, maybe you girls

Should move along...

In case this gets ugly.

Eric.

Eric, your lies

Are ruining my life.

Oh, come on,

What's the big deal

If a few people think

That I laid you out--

Hey, hey, twinklepuff.

Twinklepuff parker.

What's up, twinkles?

[Squeaking]

Is that what you want me

To have to deal with

For the rest of my life?

Hey, eric.

Wanna come watch us

While we do our gymnastics?

Sure.

Remember, parker,

You better watch yourself

Unless you want your other eye

Blackened.

I just threatened him

Cajun-style.

[Squeaking]

[Propellers whirring]

[Blimp beeping]

"If you want

To stop eric's lies,

Meet me at the dumpster

Behind the cafeteria tonight

At midnight.

Come alone."

No blimps in the hallway.

[Music]

Hello.

Aah!

Craig?

Are you alone?

Yeah, I'm alone.

Good.

Pork rind?

Sure.

So you're the one

That sent the blimp?

That's right.

Why would you

Want to take down eric?

He's your best friend.

[Span]was[/span]my best friend.

Now that eric's

Mr. Popular pants

And has a hot girlfriend,

He doesn't give a rat's hat

About me.

Rat's hat?

He's forgotten

That I am the one

Who's been his best friend

Since we were seven years old,

That I am the one

Who dried his tears

When his iguana got diabetes,

That i--

Okay, okay.

I get it. Get it.

Just tell me how to stop him.

Okay. First, you have to

Promise me something.

What?

Well, I love to sing.

And?

And you're

Like a professional singer--

You want to sing a song

With me?

I've wanted this

For a long time.

Okay, okay.

If you help me prove

Eric's a liar,

You can sing a song with me.

Excellent.

Now, listen carefully.

Eric is a pacifist.

I thought he was jewish.

A pacifist is just someone

Who refuses to fight.

Okay.

So if you insult eric

In front of a bunch of people,

He won't fight back.

And then everyone will know

He was lying

About standing up to you.

Uh-huh.

And then

He won't be popular anymore,

Which means

He'll come crawling back to me.

And don't forget our song.

I won't forget the song.

Good.

I'll start practicing.

[Scale] ♪ la la la la la la la,

La la la la la la la,

La la la la la la la ♪

[Music]

And I just

Picked up the phone

And it was him, the president

Of the united states,

Calling to congratulate me.

Wow.

Incredible.

Oh, hey, hey, chad,

Why don't you tell everyone

About the time you were

On the "oprah winfrey show"?

Yeah.

Well, I was in seventh grade,

And I wrote a novel.

Nothing big, but oprah loved it,

And she wanted me

To be on her show.

So I figured, you know, why not?

And then she invited you

To dinner at her house, right?

Yep. Yep. Oprah made tacos.

She loves the mexican food.

Good times.

Anyway, I think I'm out of soda.

Hey, do you guys

Have free refills

On the ginger ale?

Oh, you want

Some more ginger ale, do ya?

Yeah, chad can't get enough

Of his precious ginger ale.

Oh, no.

I'll tell ya what, chad.

Why don't I call up

Ginger ale headquarters,

Have 'em

Back up a tanker truck

To your mouth,

So chad can suck ginger ale

Till there's no more ginger ale

For the rest

Of the earth's population?!

'Sup, blonnowitz?

Hey, drake.

Sorry I had to teach you

A lesson the other day.

[Laughter]

Yeah.

You sure taught me a lesson

For makin' fun of your sister.

Um, yeah.

And next time,

I'll think twice

Before I say somethin'

About her nasty back hair.

Everyone: ooh!

She can't help that.

She has overactive follicles.

Oh, oh, is that why

Your parents named her

Gorilla back?

Ooh!

Say something.

Her name is maureen.

You better watch it, parker.

Yeah, before eric gives you

Another black eye.

Hey, hey, hey,

It's not my fault

His mom eats dog food.

One time.

One time that happened.

It's okay.

I mean, what else

Is a dog gonna eat, right?

Ooh!

You can't let him get away

With that.

Yeah, go kick his butt.

Yeah, do it. Do it.

All right, I will.

That's right, come on,

Kick my butt. Here.

Give you my good eye.

Well, okay then.

Here I go.

I'm gonna punch you.

Are you?

No.

Listen, everyone,

Drake never said anything mean

About my sister.

I just punched him by accident.

You see, I was just showing

Craig this kung-fu move

Called "the fist of silence."

Aah!

Hey, you just

Woo-choo punched a girl.

Jerk.

Uh, I was--i was just--

Trying to--

Why don't you

Just get out of here?

I knew

My popularity wouldn't last.

It's okay. You were

Never meant to be popular.

Uh...

[Music]

Hi.

What are you doing here?

You seemed a little upset

When you left the premiere.

What do you expect?

I mean, I know we're broken up,

But that doesn't give you

The right to rub

Your new boyfriend in my face.

He's not my boyfriend.

Look, I don't care

What you call him--

He's my cousin.

Your cousin?

Yeah.

I'm not dating anyone.

He just moved here

From st. Louis,

So I've been showing him around.

Why didn't you tell me that?

I tried.

You never gave me a chance.

So, tonight, you were

Just messin' with my head?

I think you deserved it

After the way you screamed

At me.

I still think that was

A really obnoxious thing

For you to do.

I think you acted

Way more obnoxious.

Well, I'm just glad

We're broken up.

Not as glad as I am.

Oh, really?

Really!

We're still broken up, right?

Definitely.

♪ Beautiful dreamer,

Wake unto me,

Starlight and dewdrops

Are waiting for thee,

Sounds of the rude world

Heard in the day,

Lulled by the moonlight

Have all passed away,

Beautiful dreamer,

Queen of my song,

List while I woo thee

With soft melody,

Gone are the cares

Of life's busy throng,

Beautiful dreamer,

Awake unto me ♪

[Bell dings]

Mmm!