(QUIRKY FESTIVE MUSIC)
CHILD: Ding-dong, ding-dong
Plink-plonk, clink-clonk
Ding-dong, ding-dong
Plink-plonk, clink-clonk
- WOMAN: Christmas, Christmas
- WOMAN 2: Jolly, jolly
- Jolly, jolly, jolly
- Christmas, Christmas...
- Christmas, Christmas
- Jolly, jolly
- Jolly, jolly, jolly
- Christmas, Christmas...
MAN: Christmas, Christmas
Jolly, jolly Christmas
Here it is
- It's back again...
- (CAT MEOWS)
Roasting chestnuts
crackling on the fire
Lots of presents
as snowflakes fall
Sleighbells ringing
Jinga-linga, ding-dong
Angels singing
Hear those glasses chink
Lots of eggnog,
soon I'll feel like barfing
Smelly stuffing,
it's Christmas time again
- Ding-dong, ding-dong
- Chris-jolly, Chris-jolly
- Plink-plonk, clink-clonk
- Christmas, jolly, Christmas
Piggly-wiggly, waggaly-woggly
Piggly-wiggly,
waggaly-woggly
MAN: I woke up
quite early in the morning
Just as the sun
was getting out of bed
I went to the beach,
not feeling much like Christmas
'Cause this
is Australia and...
ALL: I am
Upside down
WOMEN: Chris-jolly,
Chris-jolly
Jolly, jolly, jolly
MAN: Flies in the turkey,
sand in the pudding
(HIGH-PITCHED) Mum's
in the kitchen sweating it out
Out they get the turkey
balanced on the barbie
"Let's use clothes pegs
and bits of tape"
Went to the beach,
not feeling much like Christmas
'Cause this
is Australia and...
ALL: I am
Upside down
Christmas, Christmas
Jolly, jolly Christmas
Christmas, Christmas
That's all we have!
(DOOR CREAKS AND SLAMS)
(ALEX WEEPS)
(DOOR SLAMS)
('CHRISTMAS ON THE STATION'
BY SLIM DUSTY PLAYS ON RADIO)
Oh, there's gonna
be dancing and singing
At the old homestead tonight
Gonna be carols ringing
Through the warm
Australian night
Dance on
the homestead verandah
To an old-time fiddle tune
There's gonna
be an old-time party
With Christmas coming soon.
Oh! Ugh!
Oh, we won't have
no sleigh ride
We'll be swimming in the creek
But all the kids and...
(BIRDS WARBLE AND CHIRP)
(TRACTOR RUMBLES)
NEWSREADER ON TV: Fire crews
are battling to contain
several blazes
in the north of the state,
while in the south-east,
communities are on high alert.
Victoria's chief
fire commissioner
said winds gusting upwards
of 65 kilometres per hour
had contributed
to what he described as...
WOMAN: Brian,
can you turn the telly off?
They'll be here any second!
heights of more
than 15 metres.
WOMAN: And you better not
be eating my bloody allsorts!
south of Omeo last night...
Alex?
(NEWS REPORT CONTINUES)
Alex?!
(BREATHES SHAKILY)
- (SNIFFLES)
- Alex!
Oh... (CRIES)
- Alex!
- (LOCK CLICKS)
(EXHALES HEAVILY)
(FOOTSTEPS APPROACH)
Alex, are you in there?
Alex, I can see you.
The door is glass.
Shit.
Alex, will you please
come out of the toot?
- I will be out in a minute!
- (DOOR RATTLES)
Will you open this door, please?
(LOCK CLICKS)
Thank you.
What if I was doing a poo?
Well, are you doing a poo?
Obviously, I am not doing a poo.
So unless you're sh1tting
through the eye of a needle,
I would appreciate
if you would bloody well
come out and pretend
to enjoy yourself.
- (CAR HORN TOOTS)
- (SHRILLY) Oh, they're here!
Brian, they're here! Oh-ho!
Oh, listen, darling, uh...
You might just want to try
and do something with your face.
Oh, they're here!
Brian, turn that
bloody telly off!
(HORN TOOTS)
- REG: Home, sweet home, hey?
- CHRISTINA: Hmm.
(HANDBRAKE CLICKS, ENGINE STOPS)
(MISHAN SPEAKS WITH
(INSECTS DRONE)
Oh, why is everything so dead?
Mishan, it's not dead.
It's dying.
(HEATHER SHRIEKS) Oh!
- Oh, it's so good to see you!
- (CHUCKLES)
(GASPS)
Oh, you look so...
different.
Well, so do you.
You're practically skin
and bones. What's happened?
Oh, just running around
like a headless chook.
- Mother?
- HEATHER: How was the flight?
CHRISTINA: Oh, terrible -
Mishan's back started spasming
before we'd even taken off.
I told them I needed
lumbar support.
- God, it's hot.
- Oh, Mish!
- Hello, Heather.
- Come here.
Oh! Please, call me Mum.
- All good, Reg?
- Oh, she'll be right-as, yeah.
- Just needs to cool down a bit.
- Oh, don't we all, love? Huh!
Hey, listen, I put Alex
in your old room
and I thought you could kip down
in the spare room and, um...
WILLIAM: Mother?
and I assume that
Danny's new girlfriend
will want to bunk in with him.
Wait. Danny's got a girlfriend?
Mm-hm, but we're not
making a big deal of it
because, um, Alex has just
broken up with her... person
and she's got a face
like a slapped arse.
Oh, fun.
And Danny's fixing
a truck down at the station.
- Mother!
- Where's my gorgeous grandson?!
(GASPS) Look how big you are!
- I want Mother.
- Mum's just a little bit busy.
- Do you want to come inside?
- Something's wrong.
- My skin is literally on fire.
- Don't be so ridiculous.
- (GULPS)
- It's the sun, Mishan.
- That's clever.
- MISHAN: Then why does it hurt?
It's because we're in Australia.
Everything here hurts.
HEATHER: Are you OK?
MISHAN: I feel like I'm burning.
Christina, I think your son's
about to asphyxiate.
What?! Oh, shit.
- I guess I'll go pay the driver.
- No, William, darling.
Please don't do that.
Uh, how much do I owe you?
Oh, 20 bucks,
we'll call it even, mate.
Golly, that's cheap!
Oh, mates rates. Any friend
of Heather's a friend of mine.
- Stop!
- (EXHALES HEAVILY)
Shh.
Well, thanks. Thanks.
- Cheers.
- Oh!
- Some help with the bags?
- Yeah, of course. Come on.
Here we go. Look.
It says "Welcome home".
That's for you.
- 'Bye, Reg!
- REG: See youse!
Oh, you might want to bring
those fancy bags in, love.
We're having a bit
of trouble with the redbacks.
- Redbacks?
- Oh, yeah, spiders.
They get into, uh, bags
and shoes and toilet seats.
Oh, yes, toilet seats!
(CHUCKLES)
- But they are harmless, right?
- HEATHER: Oh, no, no, no, no.
They're quite deadly.
Yeah, but don't worry.
You just give them
a little whack.
Tonight's the welcome feast
and then a game of trivia.
(WHISPERS) I wrote
the questions myself.
WILLIAM: Nan, when are
we going to see kangaroos?
MISHAN: Not right now, William.
- But you promised.
- Let me show you your room.
Uh, the toot's
over there, Mishan,
and I've left some
special soaps for you.
MISHAN: Lovely. That's perfect.
(HEATHER CHATTERS INDISTINCTLY)
(WISTFUL MUSIC)
(ALEX BREATHES SHAKILY)
- (FOOTSTEPS APPROACH)
- (KNOCK AT DOOR)
- Mum, I said I would come out...
- It's me, Alex. It's Christina.
(LOCK OPENS)
Hello, Christina.
Hello, Alex.
(BOTH CHUCKLE)
Oh! You look old now.
And you don't.
What have you done to your face?
- Nothing!
- Why are you speaking like that?
- Speak normal.
- What? This is normal.
(POSHLY) Oh, yes, it's so fancy,
and look at your fancy clothes!
Ow! Stop it, stop it.
(LAUGHS) Ow!
(BOTH LAUGH)
- Ow! Ow! That was too hard!
- (LAUGHS)
- Stop.
- OK, OK.
- Well, it's good to see you.
- Hmph.
How are things?
Couldn't be better.
Mm, are you still
enjoying London?
Oh, of course. I love it.
- The people, the culture.
- Mm.
Oh, I heard
you got dumped again.
Oh, well, that's nice.
Are you OK?
Yeah, no, I'm fine.
I didn't really like her anyway.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
WILLIAM: Mother!
Quick, quick, quick! Move. Shh!
(LOCK CLICKS)
- Shh, shh, shh.
- WILLIAM: Mother?
So it couldn't be better, yeah?
No, it's just this, um...
just this silly game we play.
Oh, yeah.
Wait. Have you seen Dad yet?
- No. Why?
- He is just acting weird.
Oh, God, don't tell me
he's still getting into fights
with his phone.
(CHUCKLES) No, it's not that.
He's just, like,
out of it or something.
WILLIAM: Mother!
Alex, he's an Australian male
at Christmas time.
- He's probably just drunk.
- No, it's Mum too!
Like, I get that she's happy to
have us all home for Christmas,
but she made
Christmas toilet paper,
which I just don't feel
comfortable using.
Why not?
- Oh!
- (ALEX CHUCKLES)
What?! Why would she have
his mouth open like that?
- I know!
- It's like he's...
And you should see the kitchen.
She saw this woman on telly
dyeing cocktail onions.
Now everything in the pantry
has to be bright red.
- WILLIAM: Mother?
- So? What's wrong with that?
Mother! (GASPS)
Hello, darling.
- (WILLIAM SCREAMS)
- (HEATHER SHRIEKS)
Oh, no! For the love of God...
(SINGSONG) Christina,
this is your responsibility!
I just got off the bloody plane.
Ugh!
Listen, no-one wants
to be here, least of all me.
That's the spirit.
But it's for a few nights, tops,
and then we can all go back
to our normal, happy lives, OK?
I mean, really, what's
the worst that could happen?
(GROANS)
(MAGPIES SING)
NEWSREADER ON RADIO:
We can now confirm
that a state of emergency
has been declared
as temperatures are predicted
to soar on Christmas Eve.
The Premier of Victoria
addressed the media
earlier today.
MAN ON RADIO:
Now, listen, we understand
that Christmas
is a time for family,
but we urge all Victorians
to place the utmost
importance on safety...
Here you are!
G'day, love. (TURNS OFF RADIO)
What was that about the fires?
Nothing.
(SCOFFS) Mum will k*ll you
if she sees you eating those.
- Yeah, I'm down to me last box.
- Yeah?
But she'll have some more
stashed away somewhere.
Mm, cupboard above the fridge?
- Already checked.
- Interesting.
- (CHUCKLES)
- Mm.
- You know Christina's here?
- Oh, is she?
Well, I should probably...
head in and say
g'day to everybody.
Wait. I haven't seen
that mailbox in years!
I was gonna give it a fresh lick
of paint before Billy arrived.
I just never got around to it.
Nah, it still looks
pretty good to me.
- You reckon?
- Yeah.
Yeah, maybe I should pop it out.
(HEATHER SHOUTS IN DISTANCE)
Alex! Brian!
Danny's nearly here!
Come on! And look happy!
- BRIAN: Go on.
- (CHUCKLES)
I'm right behind you.
- Hey, Dad?
- Mm?
Uh, well, actually,
it... it's nothing.
NEWSREADER:
while residents in Buchan
have already been
advised to evacuate...
CHRISTINA: Now, do you need
any help setting the table?
HEATHER: No, no, no, no.
I'll get Danny
and Alex to do that.
- You've got a little bit...
- Oh.
- Wish I'd worn my fancy shirt.
- Oh, no, you look great.
- (SIGHS) That breeze is nice.
- Mmm.
Though not great for bushfires.
- HEATHER: Any minute now.
- (CHUCKLES)
So what do you make
of this new girlfriend of his?
Between you and me?
I think she might be the one.
- The one what?
- What? Oh, nothing.
Hello. What do you... Huh?
- It's fine, Mum.
- Oh.
Well, if you must know...
I think that your brother
and this new girl
might get hitched.
You've never even met her.
Well, that doesn't matter.
I've got an instinct
for these things.
- My little girl.
- Oh!
- Hello, Daddy.
- (HEATHER CHUCKLES)
BRIAN: You look wonderful!
Mishan tells me that things
are going well in London.
Oh, what have I missed?
Oh, it's just that
it's looking likely
I'll be making partner
in the next quarter.
HEATHER: Oh, well, that makes me
happier than a pig in shit.
- Sorry?
- (CAR HORN TOOTS IN DISTANCE)
It's him. They're here,
they're here!
Wait. What's his
girlfriend's name again?
Oh, bugger. Oh, I've forgotten.
It's... Oh!
It starts with an 'F'.
- Oh, Freya! Freya!
- You don't even know her name.
Well, that doesn't matter.
You mark my words, Alex.
She'll be part
of the family in no time.
I can feel it in my waters!
It's Fiona. Fiona.
- HEATHER: Hello!
- (HORN TOOTS)
Hello! (LAUGHS)
Welcome! Welcome!
(CHUCKLES)
Well, it's all happening now.
(BREATHLESSLY) Yay!
- HEATHER: Oh, welcome.
- DANNY: Hi.
HEATHER: Come on. Come say
hello. Come on, come on.
- (PEOPLE EXCLAIM AND LAUGH)
- DANNY: Hey, sis!
CHRISTINA: Oh, my God!
What happened?!
HEATHER: Oh, go on.
- Oh, my God.
- You're an adult man! (LAUGHS)
Hey, Mish. Good to see you.
MISHAN: Likewise.
Merry Christmas.
Yeah, yeah, Merry Christmas.
HEATHER:
Give your brother a hug.
DANNY: Oh, and I am
so happy to see you!
- (LAUGHTER)
- ALEX: You're disgusting!
HEATHER:
Ohh! This must be Fiona.
Uh, Fiona? Who's Fiona?
Mum, everyone, this is Felicity.
- Flick?
- Alex?
Oh, f*ck!
HEATHER: Don't you dare
mention this to Danny!
He's going
to figure it out, Mum.
Not necessarily.
After all, Danny's not very...
Smart?
I was going to say intuitive.
Now, listen,
everything's going to be fine
as long as this nice Felicity
girl keeps her mouth shut.
She prefers Flick.
Well, her preferences
are a little
all over the place,
if you ask me.
How long were you two
seeing each other for?
I don't know. A little while.
What's that? A week? A month?
Oh-ho! Alex in a relationship
for a month?
Oh, I'm sorry, but you do churn
through them rather quickly.
(SCOFFS) OK, rude!
We were together for eight
months, thank you very much.
Eight months and you didn't
bring her home
to meet your parents?
Oh, gee, I wonder why.
So what happened?
Well...
Honestly, I don't know.
We had this meeting thing
we had... planned.
Well, it doesn't matter.
She didn't show up.
(FOOTSTEPS APPROACH)
(KNOCK AT DOOR)
- Yes?
- Oh, Heather!
I am so terribly sorry.
And Alex.
You're both in the bathroom.
Um, Christina wouldn't happen
to be in there too, would she?
- What is it, Mishan?
- It's William.
He's holding his breath again
and he's up to 76 seconds.
- CHRISTINA: Oh.
- That's actually quite good.
(CHRISTINA GROANS) I really have
no idea why he's doing this.
What do you mean?
He's been doing it for months.
- Mishan!
- What?
- What?
- Not in front of everyone!
Oh, sorry, darling.
That seems healthy.
Oh, Alex, stop it.
They're jet-lagged.
Why don't you go and get
some fresh air?
ALEX: Yeah, gladly.
(DOOR CREAKS AND SLAMS SHUT)
(SIGHS)
(LIGHT MUSIC)
(INDISTINCT CHATTER INSIDE)
FELICITY: Oh, my God!
Is that you? (LAUGHS)
DANNY: And this is where
the magic happens.
(LAUGHS) You're a dag.
Oh, it's nice.
It's, um... it's very blue.
DANNY: Yeah, I've been told
it's my favourite colour.
Ahh. Do you surf?
That's a poster my mum put up
and I felt too bad
to take it down.
But that one...
that one, that's a relic from
a 'Cliffhanger' fanboy phase.
(FELICITY CHUCKLES)
You going somewhere?
So you know my sister?
Oh, not really.
DANNY: How'd you meet?
FELICITY: I don't know.
Maybe football.
DANNY: Really?
I didn't know you played.
FELICITY: Oh, I don't,
but I did.
Oh!
So this is where
I'll be sleeping?
Yeah, well, if... if you want.
I can always sleep on the couch.
(DRAMATIC MUSIC)
(INHALES AND EXHALES DEEPLY)
(INDISTINCT SHOUTING
IN DISTANCE)
(MAN EXCLAIMS)
(MUTTERING INDISTINCTLY)
You and me both, buddy.
- HEATHER: Are you decent?
- Mum!
Oh! (GIGGLES) Nothing I haven't
already seen before.
Oh, I'm surprised you're still
waxing at your age.
Mum!
Oh, don't mind me, love.
I just thought
we might have a bit of a...
you know, a bit
of a chat before dinner.
Well, what do you
want to chat about?
I don't know.
Nothing in particular.
Ooh, what's this?
Fancy creams.
- Ooh, can I have some?
- Mm-hm.
HEATHER: Oh, it's beautiful.
Oh, so silky.
Oh, look, you're missing
a nail sticker.
HEATHER: Oh, bugger,
you're right.
So... how's Billy?
- He's fine.
- Oh, that's good.
And you? How are you?
I'm brilliant.
You know, I've been
finding it pretty hard
to get you on the Zoom lately,
and, you know, when I do, I...
I don't know.
You just seem a little bit...
I don't know. Distant.
I don't think you appreciate
how full-on
my life is in London.
Oh.
I'm an active member of the PTA.
I oversee all of William's
extracurricular activities,
of which there are many.
Oh, and did I tell you,
we just had the downstairs
bathroom redone.
I supervised the whole thing.
Oh! Your life
sounds so cosmopolitan.
(CHUCKLES) Gosh,
I just can't picture it.
It would help
if you ever visited.
You know I can't fly.
But you're enjoying yourself?
You're happy?
Mum, you don't
have to worry about me.
Well, that's good.
Well, I'll leave you to it.
It's great that you're here.
(PATS ARM)
And I'd get that mole
checked if I were you.
- Mum!
- (LAUGHS)
(EXHALES SHARPLY)
(SNIFFS AND SIGHS)
(QUIRKY ORCHESTRAL VERSION OF
'GOD REST YE MERRY GENTLEMEN')
(CUTLERY CLINKS)
- (CUTLERY CLATTERS)
- Sorry.
Sorry. Knife, please.
- Lex?
- Sorry.
DANNY: Wait.
Which way is it again?
- Knives on the right.
- Really? You sure?
Yeah, 'cause you're left-handed,
which is strange and wrong.
(POMPOUSLY) Oh, my God.
You are such a bigot.
- Hateful, hateful, hateful.
- I'm a hateful bigot?
- Well, shut your face, leftie!
- You bigot!
- (ALEX SQUEALS)
- Alex!
What... It was Danny!
(WHISPERS)
Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.
Why is it always my fault?
So you think Mishan's
having a good time?
Oh... no.
- No. No, no, no, no, no.
- No, no, no, no.
(BOTH LAUGH)
And what do you think
of Felicity?
Well, she's... she's nice.
- Yeah.
- Mm.
I don't know. She's not my type.
- Luckily!
- Yeah, right?
So...
have you told Dad you want
to take over the farm yet?
(LOWLY) Well, have you
told him you don't?
(THUDDING AND RATTLING)
(GRUNTS)
MISHAN: You alright?
I've been here all of
two seconds, and already...
- Shh!
- I'm under the microscope.
- I am the bad mum.
- Did she actually say that?
No, but it's what they're
all thinking. I can tell.
- MISHAN: You seen my exfoliant?
- CHRISTINA: What?!
It should
be in the toiletry bag.
- I am dying for a shower.
- No, after dinner.
Christina, you cannot
expect me to dine like this!
And what's all this
nonsense about my face?
I don't know. Maybe you went
a bit far this time.
What? I just think you look
beautiful without all the stuff.
Oh, so you're saying
I don't look beautiful now?
Did I say that? I didn't
say that. Did I say that?
(CLATTERING AND THUDDING)
It's not here.
Oh, give it to me.
My eyes are clearly fatigued.
- (THUDDING CONTINUES)
- Oh, clearly!
- Whoa!
- Oh! (LAUGHS)
Scusi, Felicity.
I just need to put another
layer of jelly on the trifle
or it won't set in time.
- How many layers have you done?
- 14!
- Wow.
- A record.
Which do you prefer?
Raspberry or lime?
I kind of like both.
Oh!
Well... I think
I'll just do strawberries.
What's she got in here? (GRUNTS)
And all this bloody
breath-holding thing
with William...
I mean, I know
it's a cry for attention,
but how much more attention
can he possibly need?
- Just give him time, darling.
- That's easy for you to say.
You're not the one being judged.
Well, there's not much
I can do about that.
I'm not asking you
to do anything about it.
Well, then what, Christina?
What do you want?
Do you want us to leave?
Would you like me
to get us out of here?
Don't be ridiculous.
We just got here!
Well, I don't know, then!
I have absolutely no idea
what it's going
to take to make you...
happy.
You know what?
This is dumb.
This is a dumb conversation.
- Everything's fine. I'm fine.
- No...
- Just... It's all so bloody...
- Let me...
- Oh, God!
- (CLATTERING)
- CHRISTINA: Oh!
- What? It's allsorts?
Mum.
- (CHEERFUL FESTIVE MUSIC PLAYS)
- (BIRDS CHIRP)
(OVERLAPPING CHATTER)
FELICITY: Wow, London.
That's cool.
CHRISTINA: There's the art scene
over there, the fashion...
MISHAN: How do you
keep the bushfires...
DANNY: And, I mean,
I can't imagine
they're expecting centuries,
but this is the Ashes.
HEATHER: You have
a fire safety box ready to go...
DANNY: This must be, what,
his 15th test? Maybe more?
Dad?
- (CLICKS) Dad?
- Sorry. 15 what?
MISHAN: How do you protect
a property from a fire?
Well, so long as you've
prepared the property,
there's really
nothing to worry about.
You just don't plant
eucalyptus trees
too close to the house.
Forgive me, what's wrong
with eucalyptus trees?
It's the oils. Mm.
If the fire gets too close,
they literally explode.
- FELICITY: Mm.
- MISHAN: Goodness.
HEATHER:
It's red potato. Festive.
Hey.
Have you written
your letter to Santa yet?
I emailed him.
ALEX: OK, well, that's new.
WILLIAM: Well, I never get
what I want anyway.
All the more reason
to go old-school.
You should try out
some snail mail.
Billy, would you like
some roo poo?
She means peas.
It's fine, it's fine.
Um, he's just not that used
to such colourful food.
(HEATHER CHUCKLES)
What about you, love?
You've hardly touched your food.
You know what? I still have
an egg sandwich from the plane.
It would be a shame
to put it to waste.
(OTHERS MURMUR)
- I wouldn't.
- ALEX: Salmonella...
Suit yourself.
- BRIAN: So, Felicity?
- FELICITY: Yes.
Danny tells me
that you're thinking
of buying property
up in Thorpdale.
- Really?
- FELICITY: Oh, um, it's nothing.
Are you kidding me?
It's a beautiful plot of land.
Flick's thinking of starting
her own egg business.
It's free-range, organic.
Alex, you were gonna do that.
What happened?
Dodgy business partner.
(CHRISTINA CLEARS THROAT)
CHRISTINA: So, Dad, how are
things at the bowls club?
You teaming up with Gary again?
HEATHER: No, um...
Well, Gary's moved on.
At least someone around here's
got the right idea.
Where's he gone? Bayside?
So, Flick, what do you
like to do in your spare time,
apart from chasing chicks?
Um, uh, what type of law
do you practise, Mishan?
- Immigration law.
- Oh.
My parents started the firm
and I'm continuing their legacy.
Just like our Danny.
Yes, he's gonna
take over the farm
when we retire,
any minute now. (CHUCKLES)
(DANNY CLEARS THROAT)
- Hey, Flick?
- Yes?
How long have you been
seeing my brother?
- Ow!
- Alex, that's personal.
No, it's not.
We're all family here.
It's only been
a couple of weeks, right?
And you're already
meeting the parents?
Wow. That's big.
Oh, well, Danny thought
it would be a good idea
given that everyone
would be together.
Yeah, and I already met her lot.
What?
DANNY: Oh, we had a barbecue.
Um, speaking of, we gotta
sort the barbecue for...
Wait. So you've been
to Flick's place?
To... to your parents' house?
DANNY: Yeah, last week.
Met 'em all.
- They were great.
- HEATHER: Hm.
Um...
Excuse me.
Well, I might just
clear the table.
- FELICITY: Oh, I can help.
- Oh, no, no, no! No.
You sit. You're the guest.
Right, anyone
like some more wine?
Oh, yes, please.
- DANNY: Yeah.
- Yes.
Oh, sweetheart.
- Ohh!
- (CRIES)
Oh, darling.
MISHAN: I am stuffed!
And these really are
the most delightful crackers.
Mum does them herself
to make a bigger bang.
We used to love them as kids.
Oh, how does she
make the bang bigger?
Mum just adds more strips
into that little thingamajiggy.
Yeah, I think she put
about 10 in those.
She did what? Mishan, no!
- (BANG!)
- (THUD)
(CHRISTINA GASPS)
CHRISTINA: Oh, darling,
are you alright?
Um, Christina...
to the room, please.
(DANNY WHISPERS)
Christina, to the room.
Hm, back in a tick.
- (GIGGLES)
- (WHISPERS) That was you!
(WHISPERS AND LAUGHS)
You k*lled him!
I didn't k*ll him!
ALEX: 70, 71, 72,
73, 74...
- Keep going. 75...
- Alex, really?
- What? (WHISPERS) 78, 79...
- (DANNY CHATTERS INDISTINCTLY)
- That's enough.
- DANNY: Alright.
- DANNY: Champagne?
- FELICITY: I'm good, honestly.
DANNY: Sure I can't
get you anything else?
- CHRISTINA: Stop!
- (EXHALES)
Ta-da!
- Oh-ho-ho!
- (ALL EXCLAIM)
14 layers!
- Mum, say a few words.
- Yeah, Mum.
- HEATHER: Oh, no.
- Speech, speech, speech!
- (BOTH CHANT) Speech, speech!
- OK, OK!
Oh, well, I haven't
prepared anything...
but I do have
some notes. (LAUGHS)
I mean, it's not professional,
although I did get it laminated.
One of those
fangle-dangle new machines.
- Ooh!
- So, um...
Ding, ding, ding!
(ALL SNICKER AND LAUGH)
I've been looking forward
to having you all home here
under the same roof
for quite some time.
After all, it's...
It hasn't been the easiest year,
has it, darling?
Anyway, enough of that.
Christina and Mishan,
oh, I can't even
begin to tell you
how happy I am to have you home.
Oh, it took a lot of phone calls
and a lot of getting
on the Zoom at all hours.
I never really got my head
around the, uh...
the time difference, did I?
No, you did not.
No, I didn't. (LAUGHS)
And my little Billy.
Oh, my goodness,
I've waited a long time
to celebrate Christmas with you.
We've got a lot of
catching up to do, young man.
And, Danny...
your father and I are so proud
of the young man
that you've grown up to be
and we can't wait to see
what you're gonna do
with this old place.
- (COUGHS)
- And, Felicity.
You are very, very welcome.
And Alex...
Oh, you've got
food on your shirt.
- (LAUGHTER)
- Oh, Mum!
Mum, that's mean!
No. No.
I wrote down,
"You never fail to surprise us
"and you have the hugest heart."
But for now, we're all here
and we're all home
and home is where the heart is.
Isn't that what
I always say, Brian?
Hm? Indeed it is, love.
Yes. Sorry.
So I invite you all
to raise your glasses
and make a toast
to the Jones family Christmas.
- Cheers.
- ALL: Cheers.
- (PAGER BEEPS)
- Oh, sh...
Sorry, Mum.
(PHONE CHIMES AND BUZZES)
Oh, Alex, phones on silent!
(LANDLINE RINGS)
HEATHER: Oh, for goodness sake!
- Shit, Mum, I gotta go.
- Well, don't be silly!
Wait. Another fire's
started near Dargo.
BRIAN: Hello?
CHRISTINA: But that's
just down the road.
Tell them you're busy.
They can call someone else.
- Not tonight, they can't.
- Danny, you're a volunteer.
They... they can't
make you go in.
Brian, Brian, tell him that
they can't make him go in.
- Brian!
- Yep, I understand.
Thanks for the call.
Heather, sweetheart,
we have to go.
They're evacuating
the whole area.
Oh, Brian, no!
Mum, I really think
we should go.
- (ALL CLAMOUR)
- Alex, no! Just sit.
Everyone, just sit. Sit! Sit!
Just sit!
Oh!
This is the first time
I've had the whole family
together in donkey's years.
I have waited too long for this.
No-one is going anywhere!
(BREATHES SHAKILY)
(SILENCE)
Mum?
(SOFTLY) Sorry.
Right. Everyone,
get your stuff now.
- Come on.
- FELICITY: Danny...
- Oh, I'm sorry...
- FELICITY: Danny?
- DANNY: Just grab your bag.
- I'll open the gates.
- Make sure the cows can move.
- HEATHER: Change my shirt...
- BRIAN: Quick thinking.
- Dad, is this really happening?
It's happening. Get your bags.
- (ALL JOSTLING)
- I don't feel so good.
Passports, Mishan,
where are they?
- What's going on?
- I thought you had them.
- Do I have time for a shower?
- No!
BRIAN: I need you out
in 10 minutes!
- I was just asking.
- Shit, Mishan! You had one job!
MISHAN: I didn't pack
the bags. You did!
- (FOOTSTEPS RECEDE)
- (BOTH CONTINUE BICKERING)
(QUIET SOMBRE MUSIC)
(SIGHS)
(SOMBRE MUSIC CONTINUES)
Billy?
HEATHER: Hey, darling,
what are you doing in here?
You all packed and ready to go?
WILLIAM: I'm not coming.
Oh, dear.
Well, we can't go on
an adventure without you.
Nobody wants me.
Oh, now, that's not true.
(EXHALES)
Everybody wants you.
- Your mum and dad want...
- They're always fighting.
Right.
Well, your Aunty Alex, she's...
Mum says Aunty Alex
doesn't like boys.
Not really.
Well, it means a lot to me
that you're here.
But why didn't you
ever come visit?
I only ever see other nanny
and... and she says
I'm maladjusted.
(CHUCKLES) Well, we're all
a bit maladjusted. Hmph!
I'm sorry.
I'm really sorry
I haven't been over to see you.
It's just the idea
of getting on a plane kind of...
Well, it's kind of scary for me.
Tell you what.
If you come with me tonight,
then I promise...
that I will come
and visit you in London.
Pinky promise.
Yeah?
And will you help me
write a letter to Santa?
Oh, you bet!
- FELICITY: Danny? Danny?
- (CHUCKLES) Come on.
- Danny!
- Oh, shh, shh, shh.
FELICITY: Can't you drop me off
along the way
before you go to the station?
DANNY: There's no time.
Besides, there's
nowhere safe to leave you.
I don't really feel comfortable.
OK, listen.
I'm really sorry about it.
Maybe when I come back tonight
we can... have a bit of a chat.
There's something I really
need to talk to you about.
Oh, OK.
'Bye, Mum! I'm off!
- 'Bye!
- Huh?
Um, see you soon and, um,
text your dad every half-hour.
OK. See you later, little buddy.
Excuse me, Heather?
Yes, Mishan... Oh, my goodness.
You're all very sweaty.
Oh, probably just the heat.
I was wondering
what the hotel situation
is like where we're going.
(CHUCKLES) Oh, no.
We won't be staying.
- This is just a precaution!
- You're quite sure?
Because I was just
reading the news
and the authorities
seemed to think...
ALEX: Mum!
I need a word with you.
- Well, not now, Alex.
- Yes, now!
At the meeting spot. Please?
(GROANS) If we must.
Oh, Heather, please...
Heather?
(SIGHS)
(STOMACH GURGLING)
Oh...
(DEEP GRUMBLING)
(DOOR CREAKS AND SHUTS)
She can't come with us.
Oh, well, that's not
very Christmassy.
I mean, what would Santa do?
If his ex-girlfriend was
sleeping with his brother?
HEATHER: Oh, Alex! Listen.
I know this situation
is far from ideal,
but your brother is very happy.
I mean, I heard him say
they're gonna have the 'talk'
when he gets back.
The talk? What talk?
What other talk is there?
The talk.
Oh, listen, darling.
Felicity's a grown woman.
She's clearly made her choice
and as painful as that is,
her choice is Danny.
Mum, why do you always
take Danny's side?
Alexandra Jane, listen to me!
Listen, listen.
Just promise me
you won't cause any trouble.
(RAPIDLY KNOCKING AT DOOR)
(MISHAN GROANS)
Is anyone in there?
Uh, yeah, I am.
Well, and Mum... and Billy.
MISHAN: What is it with you lot?
It's the only room that locks.
I, um, need to use the bathroom.
ALEX: Well, can you give us
a second, please?
No, I really can't.
Um, can you let me in, please?
(SIGHS)
- Hm.
- (DOOR OPENS)
- I knew that sandwich was dodgy.
- (MISHAN GROANS)
(STOMACH GURGLES)
BRIAN: OK, everybody, the cars
are loaded. We're ready to go.
- Heather.
- HEATHER: Hmm?
- What is that?
- Oh!
I just thought it'd add a bit
of twinkle to the trailer.
Essentials only.
(JEERINGLY)
Oh, alright, Mr Grumpy Bum.
There's room enough
for five in my car,
so, Christina, Heather,
Felicity, you're with me.
- I want to go with Nan.
- Great. Billy you get the fifth spot.
Mishan, you're in
the ute with Alex.
Now, I've been on the phone
to Col from Traralgon.
Apparently,
the roads are closed,
so we're gonna
head north to Timbala.
Sorry, just out of curiosity,
is Timbala a big town?
(SNICKERS) No.
So why are we going?
Because Timbala has
a dam in the middle of it.
And?
And if we need to,
we can get in.
Oh.
God, I hate this country.
So let's stick together
and we go slow, alright?
- And, Heather?
- Yes, dear.
Put it down.
Oh, boo!
OK, let's move. Come on.
Alright, up you get.
(SPEAKS LOUDLY)
I need to find a quick route.
AUTOMATED VOICE: You want me
to find you a "quick root"?
I found these results
for a "quick root"...
WILLIAM: What's going on?
- CHRISTINA: Just hop in.
- Healing Touch Timbala.
- BRIAN: Heather?
- Dargo Divinity Massage.
- BRIAN: You got the keys?
- HEATHER: I've got the keys.
WILLIAM: Mummy,
where are we going?
- CHRISTINA: What?
- MISHAN: My bags. You got them?
CHRISTINA: I don't know!
Just get in the car!
- HEATHER: Leave the lights on!
- Crystal Palace...
We'll be back in a minute!
No! I said I need a quick route!
R-O-U-T-E!
- Not...
- (THUD)
- Oh, shit!
- Dad!
- What was that?
- Santa's mailbox.
- Never mind.
- No, stop!
- Put it in!
- Heather?
Brian, put Santa's shittin'
mailbox in the bloody car.
- We haven't got time for... Ugh!
- (HANDBRAKE CLICKS)
Thank you.
(ENGINES REV)
(UNEASY MUSIC)
BRIAN: Sami, Rahmi.
- Have you heard the update?
- Yeah, we have to get out.
Yes, but all the roads
to Melbourne are closed,
so we're heading for the old
community hall in Timbala.
Just for a short while,
not for long.
Is there going to be
many people there?
Couldn't say.
SAMI: Is this compulsory,
as in, we have to go?
- BRIAN: No, it's not compulsory.
- Who is that?
Oh, I think
that's the neighbours.
HEATHER: How are you, poppet?
You and Mr Bunny alright?
Dad, I don't want to go!
You stick with us,
you'll be alright, OK?
- I need to go to the toilet.
- OK, OK. He's going back.
- Oh, God.
- (STOMACH GURGLES)
(CAR DOOR SHUTS)
(ENGINES REV)
(ENGINE SPUTTERS)
(KEYS JANGLE, ENGINE STARTS)
NEWSREADER: More residents
have been asked to evacuate
as bushfires continue to worsen.
Extreme winds are causing fires
to spread further than expected,
contributing to what
some experts are calling
a catastrophic weather scenario.
RADIO HOST:
Joining me on the line
is Dee Flanagan
from Turners Creek.
Dee, you've been asked
to evacuate your home.
- Is that correct?
- (CALLER REPLIES INDISTINCTLY)
ALEX: Why do you
need two torches?
I'm not getting 'Wolf Creek'd.
Seriously!
We're nearly there.
They'll have a toilet.
MISHAN: Oh, this can't wait,
I'm afraid.
Well, be careful in the grass!
Why? What's in the grass?
Alex, what's in the grass?
This is brown snake territory.
- Are they bad?
- They're not great.
(STOMACH CHURNING)
Oh, God! Ugh!
(BRAKES SQUEAK, ENGINE STOPS)
BRIAN: Oh!
Looks like everyone's
settling in for the night.
HEATHER: I guess
one night won't hurt.
But we'll be back on the road
first thing tomorrow.
- WOMAN: Heather!
- Oh! Hey!
I brought the good shit!
The other book club girls here?
Girls are inside.
Shall we crack in?
Trivia in 15 minutes.
Hey, trivia, 15 minutes.
Oh, can I read the questions?
Of course you can, love.
(CHUCKLES)
- Oh, is that Pam?
- HEATHER: Who?
Pam Clarke, Gary's wife.
Haven't seen her in years. Pam!
Oh, that was weird.
Maybe she didn't
see you, darling.
- Hm.
- Oh, good evening, officers.
Evening, Mrs Jones.
Oh, you remember
my eldest, Christina?
You were in the same year
as my sister.
Oh, you look...
fresh.
Oh, f*ck's sake!
So how are things going? OK?
Not too bad
given the circumstances.
We've just got to check on
a few more properties
and make sure everybody got out.
Where on earth
are Alex and Sami?
I mean, they were
right behind us.
- CHRISTINA: I don't know.
- Sami?
Sami Kashmiri.
He's our neighbour.
- An Indian bloke?
- HEATHER: Yeah.
- And he's coming here?
- Yeah.
Yeah, good.
- No, it's not good.
- It's great.
- Mrs Jones.
- Night!
- Goodnight. Don't point at me.
- (FEMALE OFFICER LAUGHS)
I have to get William to bed.
Yeah. Listen. I've just
got to get something.
(JANGLING)
(INSECTS CHIRP)
(CAR APPROACHES)
Hey, mate,
you should keep going.
It's fine. We are fine here.
Dad, I'm hungry!
Mate, seriously, there's
heaps more room over there.
- (CAR APPROACHES)
- No, I... No!
Sami? What?
- We can't be seen.
- What's going on?
There was an issue
with my visa application.
Literally, a single
document was rejected.
So I found a lawyer.
He was a con man.
(MUTTERS IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE)
No appeal was filed.
The immigration department
wasn't even contacted.
And now it's...
it's too late.
No, but you... you have
a house, you have a job.
Rahmi goes to school. It...
Wait. Mishan can help you.
Uh, I don't know about that.
This is what you do, isn't it?
But I'm not registered
to practise here, so...
OK, sure,
but you must know people.
Maybe, but it's complicated.
Thanks. We'll figure
it out ourselves.
- (ALEX STAMMERS)
- MISHAN: Yeah. Sorry.
Rahmi, come on.
Let's get you some dinner.
'Bye.
(CAR STARTS)
Huh, seriously?
MISHAN: What?
What?!
It is complicated.
(QUIRKY ORCHESTRAL VERSION OF
'GOD REST YE MERRY GENTLEMEN')
(CHUCKLES)
I don't understand
why you won't help him.
Those are not the sorts
of people we help.
I secure visas very quickly
for people with lots of money.
So what? We just leave them
to the authorities?
Laws are laws, Alex.
There's not much
I can do about that.
Oh, great.
Yeah, well, there's your loo.
Oh, thank God!
- (DOOR SHUTS)
- Eugh.
Whoa!
(RETCHES)
(COUGHS)
OK.
No spiders.
(SIGHS)
Arggh!
(READS)
"In 'Lady... Cat-ter-ley...'"
HEATHER: Chatterley's.
Chatterley.
"In 'Lady Chatterley's Lover',
"where was Connie the first time
"she saw Oliver Mellors
completely in the..."
Bzzz! In the hut in the forest.
Oh, correct.
Another point
for the Scarlet Wenches.
- What?
- HEATHER: OK, extra points...
if you can accurately guess
the length.
The length of what?
- Sausage roll.
- (LAUGHTER)
- You dirty birds!
- (WOMEN LAUGH)
Sorry, darlin'. Keep going.
"In 'Fifty Shades of Grey',
what special gift
"does Christian give Ana
on her birthday?"
(GASPS) William!
(WOMEN LAUGH)
- Oh.
- Butt plug?
Butt plug?
Bzzz!
- A butt plug.
- (WOMEN LAUGH)
(SIGHS)
Hey, have you seen Dad?
I think he's off
with Gary somewhere.
- Gary's here?
- Must be.
I saw Pam before.
Hm.
Where are we all
sleeping tonight?
Ah. Uh, Mum and Dad
are kipping in the 4x4.
Uh-huh.
Mish and William
are on
the blow-up mattress inside.
And I'm sorry, but it looks like
Flick's in the ute with you.
- Chris, seriously?
- Oh, come on, Alex.
She doesn't know
anyone else here.
(SIGHS)
Fine. Fine! Fine.
Oh, there's my girls.
Oh, you're having a cuppa.
Hey, shuffle up.
Oh, goodie.
Oh, thanks, love.
(SIGHS)
- So, how's Mishan?
- Awful.
Oo-ah.
I forgot the toilet paper.
- Oh!
- Mum!
Oh, I did. Oh, no.
- Oh!
- (LAUGHS)
Oh!
- (GASPS) Oh.
- Where's William?
He's still entertaining
all the ladies.
- Oh, they love him.
- I should go check on him.
No, don't you dare. No.
You leave him.
He's having a ball.
Mm, here. He asked me
to give you this.
Oh, he took my advice. Cute.
OK, what does he want?
Knowing my son,
it's probably something modest,
down to earth, simple.
Like a yacht.
(ALEX LAUGHS)
ALEX: So what is it?
Chris!
You know what? I'm exhausted. Goodnight.
Well.
Maybe I could whip something up.
Where?
I don't know.
Get some bark off a tree.
- Paint it.
- Oh, yeah, kids love bark.
Mm.
Thanks for letting me
crash here.
It's fine.
But I'd appreciate it
if we could get some sleep.
I'm pretty tired.
OK, sure.
No problems.
I didn't know, Alex.
I guess we're not sleeping.
No, really, I didn't.
And you expect me
to believe that?
What, I'm supposed to assume
that everyone with the last name
Jones is related?
It's like Smith or White.
You guys are everywhere.
Besides, you told me
your family lived in Sale.
No, I said they lived near Sale.
And you never told me
your brother was a firefighter.
He's a volunteer!
Why would I bring that up?
And...
And not that it matters,
but you would have known
exactly who my family were
if you'd accepted
any invitations
to come and meet them.
But I guess I wasn't worth
the effort.
- I'm sorry you think that.
- Well, I do.
So, have you guys...
You know.
What?
You know.
- Have we slept together?
- Ew, yuck!
I don't want to think about
you two...
doing it.
- You asked!
- No, I didn't.
Yes, you did!
And not that it's any
of your business,
but we haven't, OK?
Well, not that it matters,
but all you had to do was call.
"Oh, hey, Alex, so sorry,
"but I've been leading you on
for eight months
"and I don't love you at all,
"but here I am being a grown-up
and telling you the truth.
"OK, uh-bye-bye."
Yeah, it's so easy for you,
isn't it?
With your perfect life
and your perfect little family.
Are you blind?
They're about as far
from perfect as you can get.
Are you serious?
Your family clearly adore you.
Christina's really interesting,
William's cute
and I even like Mishan.
Oh, yeah, sure.
No, really.
He's smart, he's funny...
MISHAN:
Oh, it's happening again!
(DOOR BANGS SHUT)
- Egg sandwich.
- Oh.
The money I'm using
to buy the property...
it's my parents'.
And?
They just wouldn't be alright with...
With me.
So all those times I asked
if I could come and meet them
and you said they were busy...
I'm sorry.
You don't get it.
They cut people out.
I've seen them do it.
My uncle, one day
when I was about 11,
he sat the whole family down
to tell us he was in love.
With Trent.
And that was it. There was
no yelling or anything.
We just never saw him again.
Except for this one time
at the supermarket,
and my mum just walked past him
like he was invisible.
I don't know if I can
deal with that, Alex.
And I do like men too,
it's not a lie.
So...
I just thought
why not be with someone
my parents actually approve of?
Someone like...
Like Danny.
We should stop talking
about this.
Actually,
we should stop talking.
Like, altogether.
- Alex.
- For good.
No, it's OK, really.
It's OK.
Let's just... get some sleep.
(CHOIR SINGS 'SILENT NIGHT'
IN FRENCH)
(SNORES GENTLY)
RADIO: ..holds concerns
for those trapped,
with supplies and fuel
and food running low.
Meanwhile, authorities are
still searching for a tanker
that went missing near Dargo,
350km east of Melbourne,
with fire service volunteers
believed to be onboard
and still unaccounted for.
Local authorities continue
canvassing the area...
Son of God...
(GRUMBLES)
Love's pure light
Glories stream
From heaven afar
Heavenly hosts
Sing alleluia
Christ the saviour
is born...
(SNORES)
Christ the saviour is born.
(MAGICAL TINKLING)
(BIRDS CALL)
(VEHICLE APPROACHES)
Hey, what are you doing?
- What is it?
- It's a beetle.
Shouldn't we k*ll it?
Why? It won't hurt you.
My dad says everything here
can hurt you.
(CHUCKLES)
What's your name?
William, but people here
call me Billy.
Which one do you like?
Billy.
I'm Rahmi.
Want to see something?
You have to promise
you won't hurt it.
OK.
- It's a kangaroo!
- It's a joey.
I think it's amazing!
RAHMI: They usually
sleep in a pouch.
I think it lost its mum.
Well, we can't leave it alone.
It's not right.
(SIGHS)
Hey, you.
You're lovely.
Let's get you some food.
- Hello, my darling.
- Good morning, Nan.
May we have some fruit, please?
Of course you can.
Oh, you're not like
your poppy, are you?
He's always
reaching for the sweets.
Go and see the ladies
in the canteen.
- OK, let's go.
- (HEATHER LAUGHS)
Everything alright there, Sami?
It's just the smoke.
It's getting to a few people.
Do you know if the fires
are under control?
Oh, not yet, but you know
what they say.
No news is good news.
Yeah, I'm guessing
we'll be home by lunchtime.
SAMI: Good.
- Heard from Danny?
- Not yet.
That naughty boy.
He promised he'd text.
Can you tell him that we won't
be home till lunchtime?
I don't want him getting in
and then wondering where we are.
No service, but I'll keep at it.
Oh, and, Sami,
Gregs and Mckenzie
are looking for you.
Gregs and Mckenzie?
Coppers.
Good morning, sunshines!
- Tell me there's coffee.
- HEATHER: I haven't seen any.
How'd you both sleep?
I didn't.
And Mishan kindly decided
that if he couldn't sleep,
then none of us should.
Sorry that I'm dying, Christina.
It would help
if I could change my clothes,
but somebody forgot my bags.
'Somebody' is not your mother.
(STOMACH GURGLES)
Oh!
Excuse me.
It can't be easy
having the squirts in this heat.
Does anybody know
what the weather's doing today?
- Hot and hotter, I'd guess.
- Yeah, and don't forget windy.
It would really help if someone
had a radio on in here.
Wait, isn't yours
in the car, Dad?
Uh, batteries are dead.
Well, might as well check.
Yeah.
Uh, wait, girls!
- CHRISTINA: Oh, hey, Flick.
- Hi.
Hey, girls, wait.
- Felicity.
- Hey.
Ah, got it.
- Hey, don't snatch!
- Alex, please, wait.
WOMAN: Fires have ripped through
much of Central Gippsland overnight
as conditions continue
to worsen.
Meanwhile, the Premier made
a special announcement
regarding the missing tanker.
MAN: Emergency services
are making every effort
to re-establish contact
with the missing tanker.
Its last-known position
is just north of Dargo...
- What are they talking about?
- Shh! Danny's in Dargo.
- I know, that's why I'm asking.
- Shut up!
- CHRISTINA: Dad!
- What's going on?
It's nothing for your girls
to worry about.
OK, I've asked around,
nobody knows anything,
but a tanker has gone missing
and Danny's on it.
- Jesus.
- But don't tell your mother!
She's had enough
to deal with lately.
It's best that we just keep calm
until I can figure out
a solution.
And the fires? I mean,
we are safe here, aren't we?
Of course we are.
Everything will be fine.
- I'll make sure of it.
- Guys...
you will not believe
what's happened.
There's no toilet paper.
Eugh.
- (SAMI SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE)
- (ENGINE WON'T START)
Damn it!
(SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE)
MISHAN: Hi.
Mishan, hi. Hello.
Are you heading off?
Yeah, trying to, yeah.
Uh, before you go,
there doesn't seem to be
any toilet paper.
You wouldn't happen to have
a spare roll
- by any chance, would you?
- No.
A book that you're not
particularly attached to?
SAMI: Oh, no.
Shit!
Any paper at all
would do the trick.
(TAPS CAR) Ah!
So that's a no.
No, sorry, I don't.
Bloody hell!
No paper, huh?
(LOCK CLICKS)
(MISHAN GRUNTS AND GROANS)
Oh. Oh. Whew.
(FLIES BUZZ)
Oh!
Can't bloody well wipe
my bottom on this.
(LIGHTLY SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)
Rahmi?
(MISHAN MOANS)
MISHAN: Oh!
MISHAN: It's busy!
You said that 10 minutes ago.
MISHAN: Would you bugger off?!
(SIGHS) Hope you fall in.
Can that happen?!
Dad!
WILLIAM: I can hold my breath...
- William, there you are.
- up to 76 seconds.
- Do you want me to teach you?
- Yeah.
Alright, so you have to
breathe in, right from here.
- Why?
- I don't know.
I used to do it when I was
Upset, but now it's for fun.
Mum says it's a cry
for attention.
- Ready?
- Ready.
(BOTH INHALE)
- Pfff!
- (BOTH LAUGH)
Are you two behaving?
- WILLIAM: Yes.
- Fruit's up.
Thank you! Let's go.
- William...
- 'Bye, Mother!
(CHATTER AND LAUGHTER
FROM INSIDE)
WOMAN: Oh, yeah.
- No, I don't agree.
- It's burnt into my memory.
- I don't know.
- Coffee!
(SILENCE)
(CLEARS THROAT) Morning, ladies.
I couldn't help
but detect the aroma
of freshly brewed coffee.
Couldn't spare a cup, could you?
So this is the one from London.
The one who got all the mm-mm.
Her husband's
clogging up the toot.
Yeah, I can smell it.
You know
she never calls her mother?
And she doesn't tip!
Never mind.
Coffee's free for anyone
who joins the book club.
(WOMAN WHISPERS INDISTINCTLY)
WOMAN: Come on.
DOT: Though terribly outdated
by today's standards,
this novel
is a pertinent reminder
never to let your conscious
or unconscious biases
cloud one's judgement.
Yeah, that's what I thought.
I got that from that too.
Do you want something
stronger, love?
Oh, no, thank you.
Further, I believe that both
Elizabeth Bennet and Mr Darcy
teach us that we're all capable
of positive change and growth.
- Yeah, yeah.
- DOT: Yeah, I agree.
If... if we're brave enough
to open ourselves up to it.
Oh, yes, absolutely.
The bit I like,
my favourite bit,
and the bit I can't get out
of my head,
is the bit when they snogged.
- Oh!
- For me that was a highlight.
- Absolutely.
- I think that's a wank bank.
Yeah, me too.
- Sexy.
- Yeah.
If only the ending
wasn't so depressing.
Oh.
Well, go on.
Oh.
I'm sorry.
It is a great book.
No withholding here, sweetheart.
Well, it is.
Depressing.
I mean, take a second
to consider this from
Elizabeth Bennet's perspective.
Sure, yes, she's found
her Mr Darcy
and they are terribly in love.
But what next?
What if, you know, she has a kid
and moves to London where, yes,
the shops are great,
and the clothes are fabulous,
but her in-laws detest her, clearly?
And the other mothers judge her
because she's not like them.
And Mr Darcy is working
all the time,
so she gets lonely and sad and...
And suddenly she realises
that she was happier back in her
shitty little market village
with her shitty little family
and the stupid bloody flies.
But she can't tell Mr Darcy
and she can't tell her son,
although by now,
she's pretty sure he hates her.
So now what?
She can't move forward,
she can't move back.
She's stuck.
Completely stuck.
What kind of happy ending
is that?
Sorry, what chapter
was that again?
No, I think it's, like, subtext
from her personal life...
- Personally...
- she's brought to book club.
- I thought I missed it.
- No, no, no.
I'm of the belief
that Elizabeth Bennet
is one tough cookie.
I think that if she
really wasn't happy,
she'd do something about it.
- Yeah, 100%.
- She would.
She would. She just would.
JEMIMA: Whisky?
Mm. (SOBS) Yes, please.
- (ALL TALK AT ONCE)
- Get this girl some whisky.
- I'm sorry.
- No, no, it's hard.
- There you go, love.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
- REG: Here, give us some.
- REG: Thanks, mate.
- Alright.
- Thank you.
- Merry Christmas.
- To book club!
- Cheers!
- To book club. And Christmas.
- (ALL TALK AT ONCE)
(SUBDUED MUSIC)
(COUGHING NEARBY)
(WILLIAM AND RAHMI EXHALE,
THEN CHUCKLE)
Mum.
- Huh? Oh.
- What are you doing here?
Oh, I'm just thinking.
- Is there any news on...
- No.
- Oh.
- Still no reception.
- Right.
- I'm sure he's fine.
Yeah, right.
Gosh, the smoke's
coming in quick.
Yeah, I know.
FELICITY: Alex...
- Remember what we talked about.
- Yeah.
Alex.
Hello, Felicity.
Hi, Heather.
Alex, can I have a word?
Well, I'll go for a walk.
Listen, I just saw your dad
and he doesn't look great.
Alex, what's going on?
The fires are getting closer.
And?
And Danny's tanker is missing.
It has been since last night.
And you didn't tell me?
I didn't want to upset you
in case you...
What?
Love... him.
Look, I'm sure he's OK,
and when he gets back,
I want you to know
that you have my blessing.
What are you talking about?
I know all about the talk.
- What talk?!
- The talk talk.
And honestly I'm OK with it.
Where is all this coming from?
I want you both
to be really happy.
What?
(SLEIGH BELLS RING)
(INDISTINCT POLICE RADIO)
('DANCE OF THE REED FLUTES'
FROM 'THE NUTCRACKER')
Ugh.
(SIGHS)
- Oh! I'm so sorry.
- Mm! Oh.
Ooh.
Hi, Christina.
Mm.
Oh!
(GRUNTS)
(MOANS)
- (MOANS SOFTLY)
- I wondered where you were.
You know, I've been
thinking about tomorrow.
Tomorrow? What?
(LAUGHS) Christmas, darling.
You know, I think we should
avoid doing a big lunch.
You know, we could do a
traditional dinner instead.
Oh, for Godsakes.
Sorry, what, darling?
Nothing. Nothing.
CHRISTINA: There she is again.
- Hm?
- Pam.
Hello!
Pam?
- What is it? Pam!
- Christina, wait.
- Pam!
- Christina.
Pam!
- Oh, here's trouble.
- Hello!
- REG: You up for another round?
- What?
- Nothing!
- HEATHER: Christina, darling.
Just leave her.
What on earth is going on
with that woman?
- Just leave her.
- Something's clearly happened.
Something did happen.
To Gary.
What happened to Gary?
(HEATHER SIGHS)
He died, darling.
Two months ago.
He did it to himself.
Silly bugger.
CHRISTINA: What?
I don't understand.
Oh, no-one does,
least of all Pam.
Oh, darling, she wouldn't
even have a funeral.
And nobody talks about it.
It's so sad. I mean,
he was such a beautiful man.
That's what was missing
from the house.
On the wall.
The photo of Gary
and Dad fishing.
- Mm.
- It's always been there.
Why won't she talk to us?
Oh, darlin', it's something
to do with your dad.
I mean, they haven't been
able to face each other
since it happened, and...
Well, I think they both feel...
You know, they feel
kind of guilty.
And angry...
that they didn't notice.
Oh, Dad.
That's why I asked you all here.
For your dad.
He needs you.
And I need you too.
There's something else I...
Something else
I want to tell you.
Listen, I've had a thought.
It's turned into a bloody oven
in here.
Why don't we set up
by the water tonight?
- Nice and close.
- Dad...
why didn't you tell me
about Gary?
Gary?
Hey, Flick and I just heard
someone saying
another fire
started right near here.
Why don't we all
pop down to the dam?
- Just for fun.
- Felicity?
I told you, it's fine.
I don't even like her.
Oh, would you all stop lying?
- BRIAN: Love?
- Mum!
We're not going home tonight
and you bloody well know it.
Alex, stop pretending you're not
madly in love with Flick.
It's boring.
And, Dad,
you should have told me
that your best friend died.
Wait, what? Gary died?
CHRISTINA: How did you
not know about this?
Christina, I didn't tell her.
- She should have noticed!
- I did notice!
I said something was up.
But you were the one
who said he was drunk.
Yeah, well,
any other Christmas...
And you are literally
the last person
to be lecturing
anyone about lying.
What is that supposed to mean?
How's your marriage, Christina?
How's your life? Are you happy?
- Alex!
- You know what?
I sincerely hope the fires
don't reach us
because your forehead
would have to be
the most flammable thing
in the whole damn state.
Oh, for God's sake,
it's just a little botox.
Then try emoting.
Go on. I dare you.
(CHUCKLES)
Sorry, darling, nothing moved.
Oh, this is ridiculous!
(GASPS) Hey!
Girls.
- Girls!
- Hey!
- BRIAN: Chris!
- HEATHER: Girls!
- Hey!
- HEATHER: Hey, stop it.
Girls, stop it!
- Stop it!
- Girls, that is enough!
- We haven't got time for this.
- CHRISTINA AND ALEX: Why not?
'Cause Christina is right.
I haven't been entirely honest.
HEATHER: Brian, what are you
talking about?
The fires are getting closer.
(ALARM BLARES)
I didn't think
they were that close.
(CHOIR SINGS
THE 'COVENTRY CAROL')
(SOMEONE COUGHS)
(ALARM CONTINUES)
It's snowing.
O sisters too...
Alright, everyone, we're moving
closer to the water.
Just go slowly,
and there's no need to panic.
ALEX: Got to find Flick.
(ALARM CONTINUES)
This poor youngling
For whom we do sing...
Have you seen Rahmi?
- I can't find her or Billy.
- What?
Oh, my God.
I did see them earlier.
They were running outside.
- Where? Where outside?
- I don't know.
What's going on?
The kids, they're missing.
Your car.
(AGITATED CHATTER)
You knew this was coming.
Maybe.
Yes.
Brian.
Where's Danny?
- Listen, love.
- No, don't you 'love' me.
Where is he? Where's my son?
I don't know, nobody does,
and we haven't known
for some time.
What, and you kept this from me?
I had to.
I couldn't fix Gary
but I can fix this.
For thy parting
Neither say nor sing
"Bye bye, lully..."
Oh, Brian!
- RAHMI: Dad!
- SAMI: Rahmi!
- (MISHAN COUGHS)
- Where's William?
- I thought he was with you.
- No.
SAMI: Your parents, maybe
he's gone back to their car.
Or with another family?
There were some other kids.
I saw them.
SAMI: Maybe we should split up.
Mishan, you...
Rahmi, wait! Rahmi!
Rahmi, come back!
- CHRISTINA: William!
- Come back, Rahmi!
MISHAN: William!
CHRISTINA: William!
SAMI: Rahmi! Was he here, Rahmi?
CHRISTINA: William!
- Mishan, where is he?
- MISHAN: William, it's Dad!
- RAHMI: Where are you, Billy?
- William!
Where did the smoke come from?
I can't see anything.
- Where is he? Where is he?
- RAHMI: Billy!
(GASPS) William!
Oh! Oh!
- Mwah! Mwah! Mwah!
- MISHAN: William!
- Come on, let's go!
- CHRISTINA: Out, out, out!
- Oh, God.
- You OK?
- Mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah!
- What have you got?
CHRISTINA: What's this? Oh! Ohh.
MISHAN: Is that a joey?
CHRISTINA: We've gotta get
to the dam. Come with me.
- I found your bunny.
- There's something I must do.
- You go. Go, go.
- Come on.
(ALARM CONTINUES)
(SOMEONE COUGHS)
(ALEX COUGHS)
Bound to get clearer when we get
down to the water, love.
Thanks so much.
Oh, thank goodness!
Listen, we've got to get
the kids in the water.
We can't just go
chucking them in.
No, we've got life jackets
and a dinghy.
You packed a dinghy?
Yeah, darlin',
I packed everything.
What sort of mother
do you take me for?
BRIAN: Coming through!
Let's get down to the water.
Oh, my God, I need to go back
to the car. I forgot something.
- Too late.
- No, you don't understand.
It's important.
Rahmi, you just stay here...
Sami, Sami, Sami. Sami.
- Figured you might need this.
- You saved it!
- What's that about?
- I'll tell you later.
- SAMI: How?
- It wasn't in the car.
- It was in the toilet.
- Thank God. Wait, what?
HEATHER: Pam.
Pam, where are you going? Pam!
Pam! Pam!
Go, go!
- (PAM COUGHS)
- Just stick together. Come on.
HEATHER: OK. You right, Billy?
- BRIAN: We've got to go.
- PAM: No.
It's Gary. I-I can't leave him.
His ashes, they're in the swag.
(ALEX COUGHS)
(OTHERS COUGH)
WOMAN: No, it's very bad.
So we're gonna get in the water.
(SOMBRE MUSIC)
His ashes?
Oh, Pam, love.
I hate to tell you this.
He's already been cooked once.
Another light grilling
isn't gonna hurt him.
(HUFFS)
(CHUCKLES) Brian Jones,
that's a terrible thing to say.
But he won't mind.
Come on. We've got to go.
- We've always been together.
- I know.
I know.
Come on.
- (PAM COUGHS)
- (BIRD SQUAWKS)
HEATHER: Alex, put the dinghy
in the water.
SAMI: Rahmi?
- Felicity, blankets on stand-by.
- OK.
- Let me help you with that.
- (FIRE WHOOSHES)
- (HEATHER GASPS)
(BIRDS SQUAWK)
Eucalyptus trees.
Oh, God. There you go.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
- Got it?
- Yep.
CHRISTINA: Yep. No, that's it.
Mum, where are the oars?
Oh, shit.
They're in the trailer.
Never mind. I'll pull them out.
Darling, are you sure
you're up for this?
(SCREAMS)
- Something touched my leg.
- Let me help you.
BRIAN: Oh! (GRUNTS)
Oh, Pam. Come here, love.
You right, love?
(GASPS)
I think we could be
in trouble here.
WOMAN: Oh!
Oh, Brian.
I know, love, I know.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
(TINKLING)
What's that sound?
- (TINKLING)
- (SIREN WAILS IN DISTANCE)
Are those...
Are those bells?
Oh, please let that be Danny.
- (SIREN WAILS)
- (BELLS TINKLE)
(HORN BLARES)
PAUL: You were spot-on, mate.
Please.
(SUBDUED MUSIC)
(HOPEFUL MUSIC)
(CRIES AND SIGHS)
(BOTH LAUGH)
CHRISTINA: Oh, Danny!
It's Danny.
DANNY: Move, move, move!
Water on!
That's my boy.
(MEN LAUGH)
WILLIAM: We made it.
(WOMEN LAUGH)
(TOUCHING MUSIC)
(ALEX BREATHES DEEPLY
AND LAUGHS)
HEATHER: Oh, Danny!
Oh, Danny.
Oh!
Oh, Mum.
Oh, darlin'.
(LAUGHS)
I'm so proud of you.
Oh, thank you, darling.
I was so worried.
Oh!
Ohhh!
(STEAM HISSES)
(GENTLE UPLIFTING MUSIC)
(KOOKABURRAS LAUGH)
(MAGPIES WARBLE)
Oh.
Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas.
Oh, what's this?
(LAUGHS)
I knew you wouldn't
leave me hanging.
Nah, never.
Here.
- Cheers.
- Cheers.
Have you told the kids?
Not yet.
I will soon.
Let them have
their Christmas first.
You know, I'm gonna be alright.
I love you, Heather Jones.
(CLEARS THROAT)
- Mind if I join?
- Oh, here's trouble.
(ALL CHUCKLE)
- About time you turned up.
- Help yourself.
- Where have you been?
- Never you mind.
Oh, you took long enough.
Now, we expect you at the table
this afternoon.
I'm gonna get out
the fine china.
Ooh!
- Yeah.
- I'll be there.
McKENZIE: Oi!
Hey!
Are you that Indian bloke?
Yes.
That's... That's me.
Oh, yes! I knew it!
Dibs you for my team.
- Sorry?
- Cricket, mate.
We always play on Christmas Day.
- GREGS: Mac.
- Yeah? What?
This is classic
racial profiling.
I play cricket.
- McKENZIE: No, it's not.
- Yes, it is.
You assume because he's Indian
he plays cricket.
I play cricket.
But it's not racial profiling
if it's a good thing.
- I think you'll find it is.
- I play cricket. I play cricket.
I'd love to play cricket.
I'm really good at it.
(SAMI CHUCKLES)
We're doing another one
of those workshops.
- No!
- Yes!
Oh! Thank you.
You and me. (CLICKS TONGUE)
(SIGHS WITH RELIEF)
Oh! Come on, son.
- How's your stomach?
- Better.
- Empty.
- Hm.
(SIGHS)
I don't want to live
in London anymore.
What?
I'm so sorry.
I want to come home.
Where's this all coming from?
Billy wrote a letter to Santa.
Did you know?
He asked Santa to help his mummy
be happy again.
Oh.
Mm.
The funny thing is,
I feel like I've been wishing
for the same thing too.
Christina, we built a house
in London.
I know.
A life.
I know!
I know.
But if moving here
will make you happy, then...
I'll do it.
Of course I'll do it.
Really?
Really.
(LAUGHS)
But just so I'm crystal clear,
by here you mean...
Melbourne.
Oh, thank goodness!
And Sami could even be
my first client.
Mates rates, of course.
HEATHER: I'm sorry, but...
CHRISTINA: Hmm?
I was listening
to the whole thing.
Oh, I'm ecstatic!
Oh, thank you!
- Oh! Oh!
- (CHRISTINA LAUGHS)
Alex!
- Oh! Brian! Danny!
- (MISHAN LAUGHS)
There's no more trivia,
is there?
HEATHER: No.
DANNY: Go on, Mum.
What's the news?
BRIAN: How did you go, son?
So, are you coming with us?
- Afraid not.
- What?
We gotta get the truck
back to the station.
Before I go, I...
I wanted to tell you something.
Well, two things, actually.
Well, go on, what?
Mum...
Dad, I...
I know you want me
to take over the farm...
But I want it.
- What?
- ALEX: I want the farm.
I've got plans.
I've had them for ages.
I thought Danny wanted the farm.
I don't.
I want to travel.
I kinda want to go surfing.
Or rock climbing
in South America.
I knew that wasn't a phase!
Which actually leads me
to my second point.
Flick...
I think you're really great.
You are smart, you are funny,
but I just...
I'm in love with Alex.
BRIAN: Whoa, whoa, wait.
HEATHER:
Oh, for goodness sakes!
BRIAN: Hang on.
Let's make this very clear.
- Who wants the farm?
- Me.
And who's in love with Felicity?
Also me.
I am very confused.
(BOTH LAUGH)
(AIRY MUSIC)
What about your family?
I'm willing to take the risk.
(LAUGHS)
HEATHER: Felicity! Oh!
Oh!
I always knew you'd be a Jones.
I always said that, didn't I?
Always said it.
(LAUGHTER)
Oh! (LAUGHS)
- HEATHER: Happy Christmas!
- OTHERS: Happy Christmas!
HEATHER: You've got to have
a shower. You really smell.
(LAUGHTER)
DANNY: Sorry! I'm really sorry.
Oh, look at you. (LAUGHS)
(AIRY MUSIC)
'Bye, Bunny.
SAMI: Thank you so much, sir.
- 'Bye, Bunny!
- 'Bye, Bunny!
- (INDISTINCT CHATTER)
- Oh, no!
'Bye! 'Bye, Dan!
'Bye!
- Merry Christmas!
- Merry Christmas!
You can jingle my bell anytime!
(ALL LAUGH)
(AIRY MUSIC)
See you, mate.
'Bye, love.
Merry Christmas, mate.
Do you want one? Oh, is it...
I know what you're gonna do.
- I know what you're gonna do.
- Oh.
CHRISTINA: Are you ready?
- Oh!
- That was terrible.
- I nearly got it.
- You've got this.
CHRISTINA: Whoa!
Yeah, whoo! (LAUGHS)
- MISHAN: Oh! Oh!
- Oh, no!
What is it?
What is it? Darling, it's a...
It's a beetle.
- Oh, my God!
- Whoa!
He's so scared of bugs.
It's ridiculous.
- MISHAN: Oh!
- (WILLIAM LAUGHS)
Um, Mishan,
I think it's gone now.
(WILLIAM LAUGHS)
Well, I'll be.
- Hey.
- Hey.
(BOTH LAUGH)
- So...
- Mm?
- Where's my present?
- Shut up!
(LAUGHS)
I missed you.
(AIRY MUSIC)
(JAUNTY MUSIC)
(JOHN WILLIAMSON SINGS)
It's December in Australia
Time to remember
all the family
Christmas tree, native pine
Lights and tinsel all entwined
Put a fairy on the top
There's Gran and Pa
and Joan and Pop
The ham and turkey's
organised
Won't the grandkids
be surprised
When Santa comes
in big black boots
In the back
of Jacko's ute...
MAN: Ho, ho, ho...
BOY: Hey, Sam,
it's really Uncle Peter.
(CHILDREN LAUGH)
(FESTIVE ORCHESTRAL MUSIC)
Jones Family Christmas (2023)
Moderator: Maskath3