01x09 - Dungeons and Deliria

[bunniefuu]

- You know why I love
drinking during the day?

Because I'm drunk.

[all cheer]
to drinking!

You want to hear a joke?

Why do unicorns always walk
into the tub backwards?

[laughter and jeers]

My man, tell us about
your bold new lower human wear.

- I call them pants.

- It's as if each leg
has its own toga.

Well done.
To pants!

- [chuckles] I like this guy.

- A round on me then.

- Okay, but...
- What?

- Well, is your friend gonna

Stay in his funny
joke clothing?

Because it seems like
everyone's done laughing, so...

- Oh, that's fine.
They're not just funny.

They're practical.
Look.

If I drop something,
I can just--

[crowd yelling]
- whoa, whoa, whoa!

We don't bend over in public.

- Well, that's a rule

Based on togas though.

Think about it.
- You think about it!

All: Yeah!

- Here's a pitch:

Why don't we all stop thinking
as a team

On the count of drinks.

- It's disruptive.

You gotta take that off
or leave.

- Take off my pants?
- Well, no, no.

I'm not learning
your new language for them.

You can be naked
like a creature

Or wear a toga like a person
if you want to drink here.

- I would like to drink here.

[crowd murmuring]

And I'll be doing it in pants.

[crowd yelling]
- you know what?

This establishment has just
lost my business

And the punchline
to my unicorn joke,

Which I assure you
was delightfully erotic

And mildly r*cist.

[yelling continues]

[dramatic lyre music]

♪ ♪

[rhythmic grunting]

♪ ♪

All: Whoo!

- [whistles]

Two more citizens eaten
outside the walls--

Monstadon.

- Again?

Aren't monstadons
supposed to be

Roaming man-eaters?

- Perhaps they noticed
man stopped roaming.

- I'm glad modern life's
working out for someone.

Stupendous,
do baby bro a solid.

Slay a monstadon?

- I can't today.
I got a thing.

- A thing?

Lots of people
tell their bosses

When they have a thing.

- Okay, I have a head to crush

With my bare hands
one question from now.

- I won't keep you.

- You can't crush my head.

What thing do you have?
- It's none of your business.

And if you turn into an animal
and follow me, I'll know.

- You're hardly
that intriguing.

Don't flatter yourself.

- Mom, can you deal
with this monstadon?

- Uh, maybe.

I--I might have a thing.

[quietly]
intriguing little bitch.

- I'd love to hunt
this monstadon down.

- What kind of coward sends
his differently abled brother

To fight a monster?

- A busy coward?

- Am I busy?
- Son,

A human friend of mine
has just been

Refused beverage service
because of his clothing.

- Really?
It appears not all monsters

Are slain with weapons
in the woods.

- Yeah, you slay that one.

I'll grab a w*apon
and head for the woods.

- Teamwork.

Okay, uh--

- They're pants.
- They?

There's more than one?

You know what this
reminds me of?

Remember that ethiopian fella
with the, uh--the nutty tunic?

- Shirt.
- The shirt!

It's like an upside-down shirt
for your ass.

So what's the problem?

- We were
forcibly ejected from a bar!

- Have you ever left a bar
voluntarily, dad?

- Fair point.
No way of knowing.

- I don't mean to be rude.

Can I ask what happens
when you have to,

You know, release the kraken?

- I pull them down.

- Pull them down?

Okay, but then you're

Squatting over a net, which--

[scoffs]
look, I'm sorry.

It's not your job to defend
or explain what you do.

Krapopolis is a free city.

- Good show, son.

So you'll speak to the bar.

- Whoa.
[chuckles]

What do you want me to do,
pass a law?

- I don't want anything.

I don't do politics.

But it's the only bar.

- A law would be great.

- Yeah, everyone always
thinks that.

But freedom's
a double-edged sword--

Or a double-sleeved ass tunic.

You get to wear
anything you want.

The bar gets to serve
whoever they want.

Everyone gets to blame
the results on me,

And I get my own chef.

It's a pretty good system.

Nice to meet you.
Love the pants.

They got me out
of a terrifying monster hunt.

- If you're not a fan
of unicorns,

But you're a fan of sodomy,

Have I got a joke for you.

[pig snorting,
monstadon growling]

- Buddy, you are ugly.

And that's me talking.

What the--

[grunting]

You're that hot tree lady
from that horrible party.

- Check out
last week's episode,

Curated on the block chain.

- There's an order
to the forest.

We don't just k*ll
what doesn't please us.

- [scoffs]
I don't think

Your friend over there
knows the rules.

- It's not k*lling.
It's feeding.

- [scoffs] does the food
share that perspective?

[monstadon growls]

- You'll have to let me know.

[monstadon growling
and snarling]

- [grunts]
- you're alive.

- No thanks to nature.

[monstadon snarling]

[both yelping]

Uh, I--I feel like it doesn't
know you're on its side.

- Grow up.
- You can't make me!

[birds chirping]

- Hail, everybody.

All: Hail our great hero!

- The ill-tempered,
foulmouthed,

And extremely pungent
fantabulous!

- Don't forget impatient.

So next time, keep it short.

What's our next quest?

- Fantabulous?

Quest?

Hero?

[twig snaps, deer bleats]

[scoffs]
push on, bucko.

You're in over your antlers.

- And so we set out

For the peaks of olygyrtos

To retrieve the fabled
helmet of iapetus.

- Huzzah!
- Yeah!

- Hey!
[magical thwap]

- It came from over there,

By the deer next
to the pile of ashes.

- I may have been followed.

I'll meet you guys
at the ice caves.

Go.

I say don't do this,
so you do it?

- Why are you heroically
questing under a fake name?

If it's escapism,
shouldn't your character be

Feminine and hygienic?

I can make you those things.

I've been offering
since puberty.

- I'm escapism-ing
from you, mom!

I don't mind being known
as your daughter,

But I don't want
everything I've accomplished

To be attached to your name.

- [scoffs] too bad!

Why do you think
the gods make children?

- They're drunk and horny.

- I mean, why do we keep them?

Because they might become
heroes and make us proud.

Now I find out you've been
doing it behind my back?

Well, happy your birthday
to me.

- If you can't
support me having

Something that isn't about you,

Then I got no reason
to be your daughter.

- Well, guess what?

If you can't include me in this
and let me prove you wrong,

I'll make sure
everyone in the world knows

I'm your mother.

This is the most insulting
showdown of my life.

[wind whistling]

- Okay, so apparently
I was followed.

But it's okay.
It was just...

[sighs]
my friend susan.

- Hello, it's susan,
the funny one.

I enjoy eating food,
drinking liquids,

And breathing in and out.

- [sighs]

[electrical zapping]

- [yells]
- [grunts]

[monster growling]

[grunts]

- [yelling]

[both grunting]

- Isn't she something?

- Comments weren't part
of the deal, susan.

- We're nothing
without fantabulous.

- Weird question--does that
ever make you resent her?

- Resent her?
We're a team!

- But that doesn't
make you want to sneak off

And do things without her.

- Hey, susan,
your head's normal,

So it does stop talking
if I put a fist through it.

- Whoa.
- Uh, yikes.

[chuckling]
not my place to say,

But I'm not sure
susan deserved that.

- Yeah, she almost celebrates
how humble and ordinary she is.

- Which I find refreshing.

- Can we get going?

Lot of ground to cover.

- Yes, and we cannot fly.

It is cold in here, correct?

Brrr!

We get cold
when we're around ice.

I am certain that's accurate.

[laughter]

- Susan, you are a delight.

- Oh, absolutely.
- Uh-huh, yep, she is.

- Hold on.
My torch is low.

- You must be devastated

That there's nothing
to burn down here.

I can see.
Follow me.

- Okay, but--

[whimpering]

- Are you crying?

- No.

I hear the same sound.

I think it's a freak draft

Or a sad stalagmite.

- You're afraid of the dark.

- In science
we call that a theory.

Good luck proving it.
[sniffling]

What's with the worm?

- It's part
of the natural world,

Emits light
without you chopping it down.

But you don't need it,
so I'll just--

- Keep the worm on!
Keep the worm on!

- What does science call that?
- Bullying.

[shouting and jeering]

- Stop! Break it up!

Now what?

- Pants guy tried
to get back into the bar!

- Because I like drinking!

And I wear pants!

- Okay, first of all,

This city's angry mob
threshold is too low.

[mob yelling]

Sounds like you know I'm right!

Dad?
[boos and jeers]

- Now you're protecting
pants guy?

- Pants guy has a name.
- And I don't?

- I'll learn yours
when you learn his.

- What's his?

- [spluttering]
it doesn't matter.

Just get back to your lives.

- Whatever, man!
[mob grumbling]

- Yeah, grumble, grumble,

Worst king ever--
like I'm the problem.

Thanks for a tough lesson,
by the way.

I'd rather be fighting
a monstadon.

- This is the same cavern.

- No, it's not.

- Daphne, I'm not just
being a d*ck.

I marked this rock, see?

- [sighs]
I'm getting weak.

- We're pretty far
from the trees.

That's where you get
your power, right?

- What? You're not
supposed to know that.

- I research.
I learn.

Nobody's supposed
to know anything.

I'm not supposed to walk.

The weak aren't supposed
to be strong.

I'm supposed to be
sucking algae off a rock in--

- In the darkness.

- Nature's order isn't fair.

I could make you equipment

That would let you leave
the forest.

- The forest is leaving me.

Your city eats trees
and craps...Crap.

And you never researched
the monstadon,

Or you'd know you can
keep it away from your city

With giant scorpion urine.

- Giant scorpion urine,
of course!

I don't suppose
nature makes explosions?

I could fracture this rock
at the base.

- Have you tried
these mushrooms?

- No, thanks.
I take a lot of stuff

Just to stay focused,
and I probably shouldn't mix.

- No, we light them,
and they explode.

We give them to human children
and say they're candy.

It's hilarious.

- k*lling kids...
[chuckles]

Yeah, I can see
how that's funny.

Okay, my arrows are made
of flint.

- We'll need a lot of these
and some kind of, um,

Sticky substance.

- That I've got covered,

Or I'm covered in
very naturally.

- Holding your hand
was disgusting.

- That's just
my reproductive jelly.

You'll get used to it, mom.

- I'm sorry, what?
- I'm kidding.

It's mostly mucus.

[creatures screeching]

- Harpies!

- Again?

We don't go into their nest
and k*ll them.

Oh, no, wait.
We actually did do that before.

My bad.
[harpies shrieking]

All: Huzzah!
- So great!

I can't wait to tell my human
parents about this adventure!

Does everyone here share

Their accomplishments
with your families,

Or are--are you kind of
selfish and isolated?

[quietly] what?
- You call this supporting me?

- I'm putting up
with a lot here, girl.

Do you know how much
I'm pretending my feet hurt?

- Oh, no!

Another harpy!

- Wait, what?
- We're coming!

- They're all attacking susan!

- You wouldn't.

You would.
You'd m*rder susan,

Because you can't share
a sliver of attention.

- Or susan's just fine,
because you can't.

- Almost there!
Hold on!

- It's too late.

She's gone.

- [flatly] help!

Both: No!
- Susan, no!

I really, really, really,
really liked her!

- Yeah, she knew the risks.

- We'll give her
a hero's funeral.

- Susan hated funerals.
She said when she d*ed,

She wanted everyone
to forget she ever lived

And go back to questing.

- I was considering
asking her out.

- I can see that.
She was plainer than the type

You tend to pursue, but you've
always been self-destructive.

- Well, you know, my mom was
such a big personality.

- Yep, and then we look
for our moms

Because we want to revisit
and fix things.

- And then we treat women
like garbage

Because we're babies.

- A real man, a confident,
mature man ends up with a susan

And straight up worships her.

- We'll do that tonight,

An altar and a prayer
to our goddess, susan!

Both: Susan!

- [groans]

- There you are.

Wow, those idiots out there
really want you

To take off your pants.

- What about you?

- I can't stress enough

How little I care, buddy.

Let me tell you a secret.

I didn't start a city
because I respect people.

If there were a better,
safer job that I could pull off

More convincingly by talking
to less of them,

I'd be out of here.

The idea that someone's pants

Could end up
costing me everything--

I mean, not just me,
the whole city, people's lives.

I mean, it's ridiculous!

It's pointless!

You agree with that, right?

It's--it's point--

- Where's pants guy?

- He was here, but--

- Did you say something to him?

- I mean, nothing new.

You know my position.

- I know you don't have one.

- Which is the one to have.

- I don't disagree.

- I've always liked that
about you.

Okay, we better find him
before he gets k*lled.

Pants guy!

- We are gathered
to honor susan,

Which was not my idea.

She was more powerful
than people know,

Did not like letting go
of that power.

In fact, she was
such a control freak,

I'm pretty shocked
she can handle laying here

Without interrupting.

- Oof.
- Shouldn't gallows humor

Have more humor?

- Yeah, the goal
isn't typically

To take the deceased
down a peg.

- Well, guess what?

I knew the real susan,
and you guys didn't.

So you can let me get
some stuff off my chest,

Or you can be the next funeral.

- And that's fine too.
- Fair enough.

- Yes, yes.
Okay. All right.

- Are you sure
this is gonna work?

- That's definitely one
of two possibilities.

- The other?
- Mm.

We die buried
under a mountain of rubble.

- Well, at least I'd get
to die with a friend.

- The worm?

That thing doesn't
even have a face!

Oh, you meant me.

That's...Nice.

- For the record,
I'd rather us both survive.

- Obviously,
that's my preference too.

Okay, here we go.

[panting]

- We did it!
- There's so much light!

I love nature!

- I love science!

- Nature!
- Science!

- Nature!
- Science!

[monstadon growling]
both: Monstadon!

[monstadon snarls
and screeches]

- There he is.

- I guess he'd rather
be somewhere free.

- I think the lesson here is
that if you give things

Enough time, most issues
work themselves out.

- [screaming]

[monstadon roars]

- And then there was this time
she left me on a raft--

And by raft,
I mean a scrap of wood--

So she could go
to an underwater orgy

At poseidon's palace.

- Are you having fun?

[all exclaim]
- susan's alive!

- Susan, I love you!

But why don't you bleed?

- For the same reason
you don't have a sh*t,

You gangly dork.

I'm an olympian goddess.
[all gasp]

I'm also this ungrateful
meatball's mother,

Which is apparently
the worst thing

That has ever happened to her!

- Uh, yeah.

- And will you ever let

The poseidon thing go?

What was I supposed to do,
bring a child to an orgy?

It was underwater!

- I warned you.

I am never speaking
to you again.

Now go away!

- Wait, hold on.
We have a goddess

In our adventuring party?

- She's not in our party.

- Unless that's something
you think you'd want.

- What?
- But my daughter can't

Be around me,
so I guess you have to choose.

- What?
- Uh, you.

- We choose you!
- I love you!

- You're the worst!

- You made that clear.

And contrary to your eulogy,

I do have feelings.

So mean!

- I'm on your mom's side.

You're a bad daughter.
- Yes, but you don't

Get to say that.
- Yes, ma'am.

- That was so easy.

I can't believe
your daughter was actually

Choosing to do things
the hard way.

- Setting herself up to fail.
- Well, it's annoying.

We could have been questing
the deliria way all along.

- Yes, the good news is,
everything comes easier to me.

The bad news is,
that includes getting bored.

Let's finish this up.

- Hmm.
You and fantabulous

Are very similar
in that regard.

- Can you magically zap out
that helmet for us?

- Ugh.

Zap.

We did it. Hooray.
Quest over.

Let's go home
and never do this again.

- Nay, the quest continues!

There may be
more adventure ahead.

Jeez, first time questing much?

[laughter]

Told you, adventure.

You coming?
- I only did this

So I could spend some time
with my stupid idiot daughter.

And now I'm stuck with you,

Her even bigger
stupid idiot "friends"

Who literally abandoned her
at the drop of a--

[foundation rumbling,
all yelling]

- [roars]

[groans]

Hey, deliria!

Remember when you
and your olympic butt-buddies

Imprisoned me
thousands of years ago?

- Iapetus?

Why is a titan here?

Is this a normal part
of your whole thing?

- No!
I don't know what this is!

[screaming]

- Good god!

Is that what's
inside all mortals?

[both yelling]

- Yeah, same basic setup.

- And now to deal with you.

That has never happened
to me before, I swear.

- You and the rest
of those bastard olympians

Buried me in a pit
for all eternity!

And it wasn't even a nice pit!

- No, that was
all the other olympians!

I tried to stop them.
I was like, guys, no.

Not cool.
Iapetus is the best.

- Liar!
- Well, yes, obviously.

Like you'd be super honest
in my situation.

- [growling]
- [yelps]

I've always thought
you were handsome,

Not in the traditional sense.

But as horrific titans go,
you're a !

- [growling]
- [yells]

- You came back to save me!

- That's what epic heroes
of legend do.

- Oh, and all
your friends are dead.

You're actually standing
in some of them right now.

- Ugh.

- [roaring]

- [grunts]

Okay, now I'm out of ideas.

- We need to get him back
in his hole

And put some of that
magic dirt on top.

It's enchanted to weigh
as much as the entire world.

That's the only way
to trap a titan.

That's right, magic dirt.

- I'm gonna need something
sturdier than this.

- I suppose I could
conjure you up--

Ooh!

- [yelling]
- [shrieking]

- [grunting]
- aah!

- Oof!

- [grunting]

- [groaning]

- And that's
how you take out a titan.

- We did it!

Well, mostly you.

- Let's go home.

- This is probably
the concussion talking,

But I am very proud of you.

We make a pretty good team.

- We're never doing this again.

- No, not in a million years.

- Oh, hey, scorpion urine!

And I didn't nail it to a tree.

- That's nice.

This still doesn't
end well though.

The forest has to k*ll the city
or die trying.

- I respect that!

- I respect you.

Goodbye.

- Bye.

[crowd murmuring]

[all gasping]

- My word!

[murmuring continues]

- Starting today,
I'll be wearing pants.

I'll also be declaring
new laws,

Laws you won't like

Because they will be laws
that guarantee freedom,

And they can only do that
by taking freedom away.

That's what happens
when spoiled children

Abuse their toys--
they get confiscated.

We drove a man into danger

Because we wanted
to feel comfort.

We found a person inconvenient,
so we k*lled him, together,

Without lifting a finger.

That's the power of freedom,

Power we are not allowed
to play with until we grow up.

And we are going to grow up.

We are going
to get our crap together.

We are going
to get big and strong.

We're going to change
how we treat each other,

And that's how we're going
to change the entire world.

And that's why
I'm gonna be famous.

W-we--we don't have
to make that the priority.

I'm just predicting that
as a result.

I'd like a moment of silence

For whatever
pants guy's name was.

Did anyone get his name?

Is that a no, or is this
the moment of silence?

[crowd murmuring]
- I didn't hear his name.

- Sorry.
- Shameful.

A moment of shameful silence
for pants guy.

I know I said I was going
to wear these forever,

But I think I've made my point,

And they're really pinching
my cr*ck.

Is it okay
if I stop wearing these?

[crowd chattering]
- please.

- Yeah, sure.
- Sure, that's fine.

- We don't mind.
- Thank you.

Shame on us, and thank you.

- And what's up with how
when something pierces

Our mortal skin,
red stuff comes out?

I mean, red stuff much?

[laughter]

And what is up with tongues?

We have to use
our own mouth meat

Just to taste other meat?

[laughs]
who came up with that?

[laughter]

- You told them it's her,
didn't you?

- Seemed like
the right thing to do.

- And our hair
just keeps growing

Unless we cut it off,
am I right?

[laughter]

- That's good!
- Thank you!

I'm susan, the funny one!

[laughter]

- Did you get any of that?

- Bento.