01x05 - Lights. Camera. Sparks?!

[bunniefuu]

["Bloom" by Necry Talkie playing]

[song ends]

[gentle music playing]

[narrator reading]

[dramatic swell]

[interviewer] Is it true neither of you
have acted before?

Yes. But we're very, very famous,
and that's basically the same thing.

[crowd singing "Black Sheep" by Metric]

♪ Hello again, friend of a friend ♪

♪ I knew you when ♪

♪ Our common goal
Was waiting for the world to end ♪

♪ Now that the truth... ♪

We're rock stars. We do what we want.

And what we want right now
is to be movie stars.

[Envy] Mm-hmm.

[crowd continues singing "Black Sheep"]

[song ends]

People keep asking me
if the movie lives up to my "vision."

I guess, if I'm being honest,

this whole sh**t
does feel a little blurry.

- My mom says I should get my eyes checked.
- [bloops]

We're just trying
to honor Mister Neil's tremendous script,

which I think is truly a tribute
to this great city.

I'd even go so far as to say Toronto
is a character in the movie.

A major character.

Really? He said that?

Who did he cast to play Toronto?

[interviewer] Uh, guys,

aren't we supposed to be interviewing
Envy Adams' stunt double now?

- [Ramona panting]
- [loud crash]

[whoosh]

Hey, I'm Ramona Flowers.

They said I should come talk to you?
It's my first day.

[interviewer] You're the stunt double
for Ramona Flowers,

and your name is also Ramona Flowers?

[whimsical music playing]

- [bloop]
- Mm-hmm.

Is that Ramona Flowers, the stunt double,
or Ramona Flowers the character?

[Ramona] I'm a physical person,
but I never thought about stunt work.

Turns out I'm pretty good at it.

- [Envy] Ramona!
- Huh?

[whoosh]

When you're done up there,
I've got another stunt for you.

[Ramona] No problem.

- [whoosh]
- Great.

I need you to run over to my hotel room
and give my dog some medication.

It'll be in a blue bag on the counter.

- [whoosh]
- [chimes]

[sighs]

[interviewer] Do you think this could be
the beginning of a new career?

Actually, I only took this job
because security realized

I wasn't working on the movie,
and I needed an excuse to be on set

so I could get close enough to Todd
to find out if he used a vegan portal

to kidnap this guy
I went out with one time.

[whoosh]

[interviewer] Uh, what?

[assistant] Quiet!
We're rehearsing, people!

All right, I guess we're
gonna work on blocking

while our diva gaffer does his thing.

Todd, do you know what blocking is?

- Hold it.
- [Ramona] Hmm?

[Envy] No stunts today.

- I... I just wanted to ask Todd...
- [Envy] You're not wanted here, Ramona.

Todd is busy.

We're acting, okay?

So, skate on.

[melancholy music playing]

As you can see,
the lighting in the scene is super dark

to represent the darkness in Scott's soul.

[interviewer]
Uh, Young Neil, your glasses.

[Young Neil] Huh? Yeah,
I finally got a prescription.

- [interviewer] Th... They're sunglasses.
- Huh?

Oh, wow! [chuckles]

I was wondering.

[interviewer] There's no precedent
for the path you've taken.

From heckling on the sidelines

to co-lead
in a major Canadian blockbuster.

Can you speak to that?

I decided the only thing better
than being me, was getting paid to be me.

Why be Wallace Wells for free?

[assistant] Quiet on the set!

[slate girl] Scott Pilgrim's
Precious Little Life, scene 43, take one.

- [board claps]
- [director] And action!

Why don't we try having Scott
gently put his hand on Ramona's back?

- No, no, no, no, cut!
- [Envy and Todd moan]

[slate girl] Scott Pilgrim's
Precious Little Life, scene 43, take two.

- [board claps]
- [director] And action!

All right, Todd,
just a gentle little touch.

- [twirling]
- [romantic music plays]

[both moaning]

[Young Neil] A movie set
is kinda like a chemistry set.

- Some people just have too much chemistry.
- Huh?

[Young Neil] And what happens when you mix
a bunch of volatile chemicals?

[man] You get an expl*si*n.

- You do? That's dangerous!
- [loud expl*si*n]

Why are we mixing volatile chemicals
on a movie set in the first place?

[slate girl] Scene 43, take 18.

- [board claps]
- [director] Action!

- [romantic music playing]
- [both moaning]

[slate girl] Scene 43, take 32!

- [board claps]
- [director] Action!

[romantic music continues]

[slate girl] Scene 43, take 43.

- [board claps]
- [director yells] Action!

- [romantic music continues]
- [roars]

[sighs]

[howls]

- [Envy and Todd moaning]
- [music continues, distorts]

[Envy] We've been together
since we were 11 years old.

Every day more magical than the last.

Right, baby?

Vegans are unusually loyal
to their partners.

They never waver.

That's true.

[Envy and Todd moaning]

[dramatic sting]

- Hey, buddy, it's not that bad.
- Huh?

Maybe we just need to rethink the scene.

This is the dumb version. But what if...

[whispering indistinctly]

[gasps]

- Yes!
- Hmm?

Yes!

[slate girl] Scene 43, take 44.

- [board claps]
- [director] And action!

Scott and Wallace.
Let's look at each other.

Deep into each other's eyes.

You've never seen
eyes like these in your life.

- [enchanted sparkling]
- [bloops]

You're forgetting Ramona,
forgetting all about her.

[tender music playing]

Now, kiss!
Kiss like your life depends on it!

- [both moaning]
- [tender music continues]

[fireworks whistling, exploding]

[Todd and Wallace moaning]

- [music halts]
- [director] Cut! Print!

I think we're onto something here, g*ng.
Scott, Wallace, great work!

- [flies buzzing]
- I don't remember writing that part.

[assistant] That's lunch, people!

[growls]

[scoffs]

[breathing heavily]

- [whoosh]
- [exhales]

Oh.

- [fireworks bursting]
- [horn blows]

[Stephen and Knives] Ramona!

Would you do us a huge favor
and give this to Envy Adams?

We wrote a song
for her to sing in the movie!

Please! It's like a cross
between the last number in All That Jazz

and the first number in Grease 2!

[whimsical music plays]

What just happened?

Not sure.

- Want to run lines in your trailer?
- Huh?

- [Todd and Wallace moaning]
- [trailer creaking]

[tender music playing]

[Todd] Hmm.

Hey, so, um...
So, quick question, um, about the script.

Run lines in your trailer?

- [Todd and Wallace moaning]
- [trailer creaking]

Lines in your trailer?

[trailer creaking intensely]

Lines? Trailer?

- [trailer continues creaking]
- [Wallace] Okay.

[Envy] He's my best friend,
best friend with benefits.

It's a lifelong thing for us.

Sure, we experimented with other people.

He dated Ramona. I dated Scott Pilgrim.

But he always came back to me.

I'm his destiny.

[Ramona] Me and Todd?

Uh, yeah.

[reminiscing music playing]

He went to my high school junior year.

He told me the love of his life
was waiting for him back in Canada.

He also told me
that he liked to live in the moment.

That generally meant sloppy make outs
behind the school.

[ethereal twinkle]

[interviewer] Is it true he punched a hole
in the moon for you?

- Teleported to the moon and...
- [Ramona] Absolutely.

Yes, he did.

- The most romantic thing I've ever seen.
- [tender music plays]

- The most horrifying thing I've ever seen.
- [dramatic music plays]

[munching]

[gentle music playing]

Ramona.

We need to talk about Scott Pilgrim.

I'm Scott Pilgrim.

- Ugh. No, I mean...
- [Todd] Mmm.

- Uh, hold that thought.
- Huh?

Wallace.

[Wallace] Co-worker.

- [whooshing]
- [ethereal swell]

[bloops]

[Ramona] Ugh!

[infomercial music playing]

[narrator] At the end of day two,

the production was
already 17 million dollars over budget,

with only three sh*ts in the can.

[music ends]

Today I have a big fight scene,

but I'm really hoping to pull Todd away
from Wallace for a few minutes.

[bloops]

They always seem to be
running lines in his trailer.

You two have incredible chemistry...

[Todd] What's it like working
with Wallace Wells?

[chuckles]
He's taught me so much about acting.

- No. About living.
- [tender music playing]

What can you even say
about a man like that?

[tender music continues]

[groaning]

- [yelling]
- [whirring]

- Babe?
- Envy!

I can't be with you anymore!

- [chimes]
- I'm in love with Wallace Wells!

- What?
- I...

I'm changing! I feel myself changing.

I'm a new person.

- A new boy!
- [Envy grunts, huffs]

[Todd] My skin is clearer!

It's love.

[gasps] Hmm?

She's walking away?

I thought she'd be happy for me.

[interviewer] Ugh, Todd, what happened to
all that "vegans never waver" stuff?

I never said that.
I said, "vegans never wafer."

We don't eat wafers. That's true.

They never waver.

- Never waver... Never waver...
- [dramatic music plays]

Look, any rumors about me having
a very hot on-set affair are just rumors.

- I'm... Hmm?
- [Envy huffs]

Excuse me, I'm talking to the camera here.

Tell him what you just told me.

[grunting]

I'm... [groans, yells]

[whoosh]

- He's in love with me, isn't he?
- [Todd blubbers]

Well?

[continues blubbering]

Mm-hmm.

- [growls]
- I'll fix this.

Todd, buddy,
this was just an on-set fling.

Huh? What?

When the movie ends,
so does the relationship.

Tale as old as time.

[shakily] You don't love me?

But what about the sparks?

What sparks?

- [dramatic music playing]
- [groans]

[whoosh]

Todd!

[snapping fingers] Baby! Sweetheart!

[inflaming swell]

- [Todd grunts]
- [Envy gasps]

- [Todd continues grunting]
- [Wallace] Huh?

[portal whooshing]

[whirring]

[growls, sighs]

Wallace Wells!

- [Wallace gasps]
- [loud crash]

You broke my boyfriend!

- Prepare to die!
- [Wallace grunting]

- [both grunting]
- [dramatic music playing]

- [Wallace] No fair! [panting]
- [Envy grunts]

- [music halts]
- Stop. Stop it.

[sighs] Jeez, have some dignity.
This is a film set.

[growls]

If you want to fight with me,
fight with them.

[dramatic swell]

- [stunt doubles grunting]
- [whimsical music playing]

[Envy] Four stunt doubles?

They only gave me one!

[Wallace] It's in my contract.

- [dramatic sting]
- Get a better lawyer, baby.

[Envy growls]

Ramona, time for stunts!

- Wait, what? I'm doing an interview...
- Do you want to keep your job?

[swells, chimes]

[interviewer] Where's everybody going?

[camera rattles]

[interviewer panting]

- Um...
- [dramatic music playing]

[stunt doubles grunting]

[whooshes]

[announcer] Wallace Wells
versus Envy Adams!

- Fight!
- [bell dings]

[interviewer] Who said that?

[announcer] Uh, nobody.

What part of the movie is this?

[both grunting]

[Wallace] Don't embarrass me, guys!

[yelling]

[Ramona growls]

Straight Wallace?

- You're a stunt double now?
- [grunts]

Why are you acting like that's weird?
You made the exact same career change.

- Well, I did it for very specific reasons.
- [groaning]

Fight them! Fight the Wallaces!
If you lose, you're fired.

- [whooshing]
- [grunting]

That's the sloppiest headbutt
I've ever seen.

- [grunting]
- [action music playing]

[both grunting]

You call that a backflip? Terrible form!

[both grunting]

You give stunts a bad name.
This is tragic. You're all so slow!

[grunting continues]

[Ramona yells]

When was the last time you hit the gym?
Too many french fries!

[straight Wallace] Come on, man.

- Huh?
- [music warps]

We can handle physical abuse,
but we draw the line at verbal abuse.

[all crying]

Hey!

- [Envy] Well, well, Wells.
- [music resumes]

I guess now it's time
for you to fight your own fight.

But not against me, against Ramona.

- [whoosh]
- Ugh! Okay, time out, cut!

[music stops]

Why does your character want
to fight Wallace in the first place?

[Envy] This isn't for the movie.
This is for real life.

[whoosh]

I broke her boyfriend.

[whoosh]

- You and Todd? Hmm.
- [music resumes]

- [whoosh]
- [growls]

- No more stunts. Where is he?
- [music builds, halts]

[Ramona] Todd, we need to talk.

- [Envy gasps]
- [Ramona] Ugh!

[Envy] Oh, Todd.

Breaking vegan edge?

[exhales] Step inside.

Welcome to my crib.
Let me give you a quick tour.

[hip-hop music playing]

Over there is the first place
I made out with Wallace.

- [harp glissando]
- [Todd sighs]

This is the second place
I made out with Wallace.

- And this is the third place where I...
- [harp glissando]

Nobody needs this information, Todd.

Yeah, I... I think we're good.

[Todd] This trailer holds
so many memories.

It's, uh, where I fell in love
for the first time.

The first time?

Envy, what we had was fun,
but I discovered a new kind of fun.

The kind of fun
where you care about another person.

You wouldn't understand.

What about us?

You've known him for three [bleep] days!

Is that all it's been?

Even if it had just been two days,

I'd be chasing that high
for the rest of my life.

- You can't fight the moonlight, babe.
- [Envy] Huh?

- [enchanted swell]
- [horn blows]

All right, I'm too famous
for this conversation.

We're done. Goodbye.

- Hold on.
- [Envy] Hmm?

We need to talk about Scott Pilgrim.

I'm Scott Pilgrim.

No, the real Scott Pilgrim.

The guy you kidnapped
using a vegan portal.

[VCR whirring]

Here.

I don't know if you did this alone,
or if Envy put you up to it.

No one puts me up to anything.

Only I put me up to things.

It's a vegan portal, all right.

But it's better than anything
Todd's ever made.

I mean, look at
the thought that went into it,

the craftsmanship.

Todd didn't do this.

- [Todd] That was rude...
- [whirring, chiming]

...but I'll allow it.

[whoosh]

You spent three days following my orders

because you wanted
to show Todd a video of a portal?

You have no other leads?

Tragic.

Looks like you're never gonna find him.

- [toilet flushing]
- Maybe you should give up.

Sometimes you just need
to leave losers in the past.

[whoosh]

Are you talking about Scott or me?

[sighs]

And by the way, you're fired.

I quit.

[stunt doubles crying]

[Ramona sighs]

[helicopter blades whirring]

[grunts, sighs]

- ["Sharp Dressed Man" by ZZ Top playing]
- [all] Huh?

Uh, Mr. Patel,
welcome to the Great White North.

Yeah, yeah, it's great.
Everyone here works for me, right?

- Yes, sir!
- Good!

[grunts]

Ha! You're all fired!

[man] Sir, did... did you just say...

Shut up! Guards!

[yells]

Hey, you! You over there.

- Aren't you the director?
- Yes!

- [Matthew] You're fired!
- No!

- [loud bang]
- [coins jingle]

What? Are you sh**ting
a documentary or something?

- [man] Yeah, uh-huh.
- [squeaks]

Huh. Well, not anymore.

- [man] Hey, man. Get off me, man. Stop.
- [camera beeps]

[interviewer] Well, that was a waste
of our precious little time.

All those people are cuckoo crazy.
All of them are.

All of you, go home. Take off!

Oh, we don't work for you.

We just want a moment of your time.
We have an exciting opportunity.

[Knives] If you give us a chance,
we will blow your mind!

Hmm.

I like your moxie, kids.
I have 30 seconds available next Tuesday.

- [card thuds]
- [both gasp]

Call my girls. Let's make this happen.

[Knives and Stephen squealing excitedly]

- [Ramona] Matthew Patel.
- Whoa.

[dramatic music plays]

[Matthew] Ramona Flowers.

What's with the outfit? Are you a CEO?

Actually, yes.
I'm here to shut this movie down.

I guess that was inevitable.
It's probably losing you a lot of money.

Money? Who cares about money?

Have you read the script?

It's a character assassination of me,
Matthew Patel!

I won that fight!
I punched Scott Pilgrim to death!

Well, you didn't
actually punch him to death.

Someone kidnapped him
and made it look like you won.

Huh?

- I didn't win?
- [Ramona] No.

- He's not dead?
- [Ramona] No.

- [Matthew] Is he mad at me?
- I don't know, dude.

I'm trying to find him
and figure out who did this.

But you know I took my new-found
confidence from k*lling Scott Pilgrim

and went back and defeated Gideon, right?

I'm sorry?

[Matthew] I went up against Gideon
and won it all.

Two record labels, this movie studio,


and The League of Evil Exes.

The empire's mine, and I plan to keep it.

I won't make the same mistakes he made.
I won't end up where he is now.

Which is where exactly?

[Matthew] Here, Toronto.

He's shacking up with some girl
named Julie-something.

Did you know
Gideon isn't even his real name?

It's not?

No, it's Gordon. Gordon Goose.

What?

[Matthew] Everything we knew
about that guy was a lie.

This Julie, it wouldn't be Julie Powers?

Yeah, that's it. You know her?

I thought I did.

[sighs]

- [Matthew] Where are you going?
- [Ramona] Julie Powers and I need to talk.

[rollerblades rattling]

[whizzing]

[dramatic music playing]

[music fades]

["If You Could Read My Mind" by
Ultra Naté, Amber, Jocelyn Enriquez plays]

♪ If you could read my mind, love ♪

♪ What a tale my thoughts would tell ♪

♪ Just like an old time movie
'Bout a ghost from a wishing well ♪

♪ In a castle dark or a fortress strong ♪

♪ With chains upon my feet ♪

♪ You know that ghost is me ♪

♪ I don't know where we went wrong ♪

♪ But the feeling's gone
And I just can't get it back ♪

♪ If you could read my mind, yeah ♪

♪ If you could read my mind, love ♪

♪ What a tale my thoughts would tell ♪

♪ Just like a paperback novel
The kind that drugstores sell ♪

♪ When you reach the part
Where the heartache comes ♪

♪ The hero would be you ♪

♪ Heroes often fail ♪

♪ Never thought I could feel this way ♪

♪ And I've got to say
That I just don't get it ♪

♪ I don't know where we went wrong ♪

♪ But the feeling's gone
And I just can't get it back ♪

[song fades]