[trumpet plays]
[upbeat music plays]
Ow.
[laughing] Stop.
Ow. Ow.
Ow! My body part!
[laughs]
Step right up.
Who's next for human piñata?
- Ooh, me, me, me, me!
- I'm not a piñata!
I'm a Jeff!
Shut up, Jeff!
Ow! Ow!
Agh!
My pocket candy!
I worked really hard
to steal that!
[groans]
My turn!
My turn, my turn, my turn.
What are you doing here?
I got a mariachi message
that kids were smacking
the ñata in the gym,
so I threw on a teen disguise.
Now I'm ready for smashies.
Why do all grown-ups
think that kids wear
a sideways hat and a bone glove?
No kid looks like that.
Hey, kid.
You new?
Schwoz?
I never would have known.
[snickers]
♪ ♪
- Uh...
- Ow!
Ow!
Does Schwoz have a kid
that goes to this school?
Yeah, sure. He does.
Cool.
Hey, you know
who would love this?
- My birth dad.
- Captain Man.
Right, also Captain Man.
Uh... [chuckles]
He loves candy.
He loves mariachi music.
He loves stagehands.
And he loves
when Jeff feels pain.
[crying] I'm Jeff,
and I'm in pain!
- Let's call Cap!
- Yeah.
All right, sure.
I'm on it.
Hey, teen. Nice sideways hat.
Oh, nice bone glove,
fellow teen.
I give up.
Ow!
Hey, get down here, dummy.
We got Jeff in pain,
a beatin' stick, pocket candy,
and the "Dale, Dale, Dale" song.
Ugh, man, I would love
to b*at me some Jeff,
but I am on a date right now.
Dude, you gotta stop calling
it a date when we hang out.
Well, we're grabbing lunch.
What would you call it?
Call it "grabbing lunch."
Like I said,
I'm on a date with Henry,
and I will be unreachable.
[tires squeal]
[car honks]
Did you just throw away
your phone?
I always like to keep a spare.
Mm!
Guess I'm just built different.
Ah, speaking of being
built different,
I got a girlfriend, and she...
Oh, dude!
I got a girlfriend too!
Oh, sick, sick, sick.
I kind of want to talk
about mine though...
You remember Lil' Dynomite?
Okay, I guess
we're talking about yours.
You remember Lil' Dynomite?
Little superhero, hates you?
Well, he's bigger now,
and he likes me.
Get this... I'm dating his mom.
- [chuckles]
- Yeah, and I love her.
Oh, man, she's great.
We have such
a great relationship
built on trust
and honesty and integrity.
Does she know
you're Captain Man?
Nah, I've been lying to her.
Does Lil' Dynomite know
you're Captain Man?
Oh, yeah, he knows.
Man, we've been having
such a good time
just keeping secrets
and fighting crime.
Cool, cool, cool, cool.
Sounds like a TV show.
Anyway,
I've been dating this girl.
Credenza's pretty!
I've been dating this girl!
And her name is Melanie,
and man, I'm really into her,
but get this...
Her ex once bought her
a $ , handbag,
so now I feel like
I gotta buy her a...
Both: $ , handbag.
- Yes.
- Yeah, dude,
same thing happened
with Credenza.
- No.
- I'm telling you.
I'm gonna have Schwoz
break in the evidence locker
at the local precinct.
[phone rings]
Just grab whatever he can find.
Hang on.
It's Melanie.
Who's Melanie?
- My girlfriend.
- You got a girlfriend?
- Oh, my God.
- That's awesome, dude.
[phone rings]
Oh, hey, it's my doll calling.
She's probably like,
"Where's my handbag, Ray?"
- Right?
- You know what I'm saying?
- I do.
- The ol' ball and chain,
right?
[both chuckle]
Both: Hey, babe.
Hey,
I just wanted to make sure
that you understand
you don't have to buy me
a $ , handbag.
In fact, I'd prefer you didn't.
You see, you say that,
but I think I know women,
and I don't believe you.
No, Henry, I really mean it.
My love language isn't
expensive gifts.
It's quality time.
So actually,
if I were upset about anything,
which I'm not,
it'd be because
you left town to work.
Yeah, but the whole reason
I work so hard
is so I can buy you things.
I don't need you
to buy me things.
I just need you.
I'm picking up on you
loud and clear.
Both:
You'll have the bag by Friday.
Bye, babe.
Click.
Sounds like you and me need
to make a little scratch,
some cash,
a little chedda' cheese.
We do, indeed.
Luckily, I happen to have...
[grunts]
Two ski masks on me,
so if the gentleman
will pull up to yon bank,
we shall make a "withdrawal."
Yeah, yeah, yeah,
tight, tight.
Let's call the bank robbery
plan B though.
B as in bank... smart.
No, because
the reason I'm in town
is I got a little
freelance job lined up.
- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah, yeah.
So, uh, you care to join me?
I believe you know
that I do, good sir.
We'll knock out this job,
get that bag,
and give that bag to our ladies.
[snaps finger] No notes.
Man, I'm loving
where this date is headed.
- It's not a date.
- Ha ha.
You wanna get some ice cream?
Well, yeah, I always
wanna get ice cream.
There's this great ice cream
place by the beach.
We can watch
the sunset together.
Is there any other place
we can get ice cream?
It's a date!
[car honks]
[tires squeal]
[heroic music]
Stop it!
No, that's not candy!
That's my blood pressure
medicine!
Give me back my Sklerdentra!
Oh, thank you for saving me
from that monster.
Excuse me?
Well, he was trying
to steal mine ponytail.
I assumed that's why
you thrashed him so.
Nah, man,
just thrashing to thrash.
Yeah, it's Jeff, dude.
It's on sight.
Why would Jeff want
your ponytail?
Yeah, was it made of candy
or blood pressure medicine?
No, silly boy.
Mine pony is much more valuable
than candy
or life-saving medicine.
Uh, last one's
pretty valuable.
His name is Patrice.
[giggles]
[smooches]
And my devious uncle
is trying to steal him
for his own,
hence my current state of exile
from the majestic hills
of Rivalton
to the plebeian flats
of Smellview.
[cackles]
[laughs sarcastically]
I wanna punch him.
Mm, not yet.
I think little
Lord Fauntleroy here's uncle
is Archduke Fernando.
[all spit]
Impressive powers
of deduction.
- Thanks.
- Someday, I may
make you my queen.
Absolutely not.
Proceed thee with punching.
Wait!
I have money,
and a proposal.
Ha, gonna be
a no from me, dog.
It's not a marriage proposal.
It's a job offer.
Yeah, we'll see.
My uncle recently lost
his ponytail for good.
Now he wants mine.
So if you can keep me
and Patrice from his clutches,
I shall reward you
for such engagement.
See, "engagement"?
Not interested.
How much?
Come on, ShoutOut,
you can do better than him.
Yeah, how much money
are we talking?
Don't settle.
You're a prize.
Hey, buddy.
How 'bout you take
this lollipop on a walk?
I like purples.
So pay... how much?
I've got two tickets
to Paradise...
Nevada.
I leave in three days.
Keep me safe until then,
and I shall give you $ , .
You walk while we talk, yeah?
Wh... hey!
- I'm in.
- I do what she does.
I don't bend the knee
to the almighty dollar,
but for grand?
I can tell myself
I'm protecting the innocent
or whatever.
- Mm...
- [groans]
Okay, I want money too,
but Henry's in town,
so Ray is useless.
What if we have to fight crime?
Well,
we could ask Lil' Dynomite
to fight crime for us.
Who said that?
Me.
[all scream]
How did you know
what we were talking about?
Do you really care,
or do you wanna move on
from that very valid question
and get them fat stacks?
- I want the stacks.
- I do what she does.
Team Stacks!
Mm...
[all groan]
Oh, my God, I'm kidding!
Of course I want the stacks.
We got you, kid, three days.
We'll watch you in shifts.
Easy money.
Don't be so cocky,
my little doodle-doos.
Archduke Fernando...
[all spit]
Will send more minions.
Why, I suspect he's hiring
more moronic buffoons
as we speak.
I'll pay you $ ,
for the ponytail,
$ , if you bring
my nephew to me,
so that I may
cut off Patrice myself.
Hey, pal.
I ain't 'nappin' no kid.
- Neither am I.
- $ , ?
- Sold.
- No notes.
♪ ♪
It all just kind of happened.
[overlapping chatter]
Get that?
♪ Danger ♪
[vocalizing]
♪ ♪
♪ Danger!
One, two, three, Force! ♪
We look amazing.
You've been posing for hours.
[all shouting at once]
That's right,
keep walking, Schwoz.
Keep walking.
[heroic rock music]
Almost there. Almost there.
Hey, Ray,
just leaving you a voicemail,
'cause... you're old.
We got a line
on a little dough-ray-mee
for protecting
Archduke Fernando's nephew,
Duke Wellington.
He's currently sucking
on what appears to be rock snot.
Oh, fresh oysters,
goo of the gods!
[slurps]
Anyway, I guess the archduke
wants to steal his ponytail.
But I had the brilliant idea
of giving Lil' Dukey
a special whistle to blow
if he's ever in danger.
[blows duck whistle]
Trash Boy, Come hither!
But now
he just blows it constantly
and calls me Trash Boy, so...
not my best idea.
Oh, of course.
[camera shutter clicking]
Anywhoodle, hope your date
with Henry's going well.
Write back.
Your pal,
Brainstorm.
[sighs]
That was nice.
[blowing duck whistle]
Trash Boy, do flush these
down the toilet
so they may return to their
pelagic winter wanderings.
Okay.
- Five seconds to freedom!
- Please, no.
All: Four, three...
- I summon the goddess
of academia to open that door!
All: Two, one...
No!
Yes!
[laughs giddily]
I mean...
[chuckles]
Darn! Right?
Do we still say "darn"?
[German accent]
♪ Yo, I'm Mr. Learning ♪
♪ And I'm here to say ♪
♪ You kids ain't getting
no free day! ♪
♪ And this right here
is Dr. Science ♪
- Dude, we nixed the rap.
- [normally] Oh, what?
I didn't agree to that.
It was nixed. It was nixed.
[German accent]
Anywhoodle, I am Mr. Learning,
and this is Dr. Science,
and together, we are your
co-substitute teachers!
- Dude, we nixed the pose.
- [normally] OK, you know what?
I was told there'd be a pose
and a rap...
You know, I don't know where
you're getting any of this.
Well, what are we even
here for then?
We're supposed
to get that kid and dip...
The ponytail kid.
Oh, yeah.
[German accent] Nap time!
Heads down, ponytails up!
Nap time?
We're teens.
Yeah, I don't take naps.
I hand them out.
Let's go!
[chuckles]
I've never heard of
co-substitute teachers before.
Oh, let me guess,
you are the "smart one"?
Ever so proud of your huge,
pulsating brain.
I bet you are the one
who says "yes,"
when you find you do not
have day off school.
No, I said "darn,"
and everybody loved it.
Well, as a man who got
his doctor degree in science
by writing a thesis called,
"Teens Who Don't Nap...
Die"...
- Kid's still got it.
- I say we all
turn off the lights,
close our eyes,
and not pay attention
to the sounds around you.
[grunting]
Unhand me!
Someone's trying
to kidnap the archduke!
Danger Force, help!
- Get in the sack, kid!
- Dude, that's me.
Well, I'm sorry.
[heroic music]
Ow!
Okay...
[screams]
Oof! Ah!
- D'ah!
- I got you, man.
Okay, you should be safe here.
Shut up, dudes.
We're chessing.
Schwoz bet Tiny Ray
he could b*at him in chess.
It's not going well.
I can't believe I'm down
eight large to Tiny Ray.
[high-pitched] My body's tiny,
but my brain is huge!
If my chess instincts
are right,
and they always are,
Schwoz has Tiny Ray
right where he wants him.
- Checkmate!
- Aye!
[laughing]
[grunts]
Guess I'm just
built different.
Well, I'm sorry to say this,
Mr. Jeff,
but I gotta go take you to jail.
- What?
- Hold up.
How'd you get arrested
twice in two days?
Guess I'm just
built different.
Let's go.
Uh, hey, for real,
does anyone have
any blood pressure medication?
[heroic rock music]
[duck whistle blowing]
[all grunting]
- I'm okay.
- Wait a minute.
Give...
[grunts]
[shouts] Ray?
Henry!
- Hey, how's it going?
- What are you guys doing?
Oh, relax!
We're just trying
to kidnap a kid.
- What?
- I mean, is that against
the law now?
All: Yes!
It's a crime?
Oh, okay.
Look, we're just trying
to get a little extra skrilla
so we can buy a cuppa purses.
- Handbags.
- Handbags for our dolls.
- Girlfriends.
- Duh, Mika.
Oh, you don't get
to "duh" me on that.
- Oh, yes, I duh.
- Oh, no, you duh-n't.
[overlapping shouting]
Hey!
You guys can't
kidnap Duke Wellington.
Uh, why not?
Uh, 'cause he's paying us
mad guap to protect him.
And we're also getting money.
Oh, looks like we're
at a bit of an impasse here.
Yeah, you see,
Archduke Fernando...
[all spit]
Hired us to bring him
back to Rivalton.
Yeah, we're not about to let
four little kids stop us.
'Cause we need
to buy handbags.
For our girlfriends.
[laughter]
Why is that funny?
I don't get what's so funny.
[laughter]
What's funny about that?
What are we laughing at?
We're laughing at two geezers
who think they can kidnap
someone we're protecting.
Oh, ha ha, that is funny.
Okay, first of all,
we are in our s.
- We?
- Henry, please.
Second of all,
we were doing this
before all y'all lil' kiddies
even got your dumb powers.
I've seen things.
Ya dig?
And we will see who's laughing
when we get that kid
and that fetti.
- [laughs]
- I did that on purpose.
[overlapping chatter]
That's a thing we do!
I do that to his face.
He loves it. It's his favorite.
Dude, stop! Dude, stop!
We're gonna get that kid.
- Yeah.
- Okay?
- We gon' get that kid.
- We gon' get that kid.
- We gon' get that kid.
- We gon' get that kid.
We gon' get that kid.
[both groan]
What are we gonna do?
We're never gonna get that kid.
Yes, we are.
Yes, we are.
I just need you to, uh...
You need to massage my head.
What?
Just put your hand
on my head and massage my head.
- I'm not gonna massage your...
- Just do it... trust me!
OK, we get the blood flowing.
The idea juices will start
flowing.
What are you talking about?
Don't be weird, man.
Hey, it's only weird
if you make it weird.
Why are you making it weird?
You're making it weird.
- Oh, I'm making it weird?
- You're making it weird.
- That's weird?
- Yeah.
You know what, dude?
We are two superheroes
in our early s,
and if we can't
get past four little kids,
you know what?
Maybe we don't even
deserve purses.
Handbags.
Maybe we don't even
deserve girlfriends.
[soft dramatic music]
Yeah.
Let's remember
why we're doing this, okay?
Come on.
You got a picture of your doll?
- I got it.
- Well, sh**t, man.
Let me see her.
- What?
- Your girlfriend,
let me see her.
No, no, no, no, no.
I got an idea.
I got an idea.
Well, sh**t, man.
Let me hear it.
Okay, okay, here we go.
All right,
we need some chocolate milk.
- Mm-hmm.
- Um, a mink coat.
- Yeah.
- Couple of those straw
boater hats.
Oh, I gotta write this down.
- Oh, a Stankee candle.
- Hold on.
I gotta write this down.
A turbine engine.
Will you slow down?
- A voodoo doll.
- Mm-hmm.
- The Goo Goo Dolls.
- Yup.
- Extra virgin olive oil.
- Mm-hmm, love it.
Wait, wait.
[buzzing]
Do you hear buzzing?
I do hear something,
but I'm pretty sure
it's just the idea juices
flowing, baby.
Yeah, cool, cool, cool,
cool, cool, cool, cool.
- Keep going, keep going.
- Okay, okay, okay, uh, um,
how quickly
can you learn the lyrics
to "Running Up That Hill"
by Kate Bush?
Mm, two, maybe three hours.
Make it . ,
this might just work.
Tell me you don't miss this.
[laughs]
First things first...
I gotta make water.
Yeah, good call.
Those idea juices
went right through me.
I'm telling you.
[sneaky music]
This thing's stuck or something.
- Open the door, dude.
- I'm trying.
- Just open it up.
- I'm trying.
What do you think I'm doing?
I gotta pee,
so just open it up.
It's not my first door.
- Let me just... let me just...
- Not my first door.
Let me try, dude.
Just let me try.
There's another door
around here. Find it.
[knocking]
Hey, old guys.
Don't answer.
Otherwise, it means we're old.
Is that Chapa?
I hope you like this van,
'cause I just welded
all the doors shut.
See ya never, seniors.
- What, nah, nah.
- Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah.
- Hey, hey, Chapa?
- Chapa?
Chapa, I gotta pee!
Chapa!
Ah, I will have my revenge!
Revenge will be mine!
- Need a ride back?
- Yeah.
Oh, I gotta pee! Chapa!
[heroic rock music]
[buzzing]
Do you even know
how to play chess?
Nope, nobody does.
- Oh, hey, buddy.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- Oh, thanks so much, pal.
Yeah, no problem.
You guys still have to tinkle?
- No, not anymore.
- No, I'm dry...
now.
Okay.
Now, listen, uh...
[clears throat]
You both clearly need some help,
and I need money.
Tiny Ray b*at you
in chess again, huh?
[groans] I'm down big.
Who's Tiny Ray?
[sighs]
Plus, my girlfriend's ex
bought her a $ , handbag...
- [sighs]
- Been there.
Currently there.
Who is Tiny Ray though?
Okay, listen.
If I helps you
get Dukey Wellington
from Danger Force,
will you guys give me
a taste of that sweet,
sweet reward money?
- I don't see why not.
- sh**t, yeah, brother.
[overlapping chatter]
Okay, now, listen.
I have a plan
I think you both will love.
Okay.
- Yeah.
- Now, first thing...
Eh, do either of you
know the lyrics
to "Running Up that Hill"
by Kate Bush?
[phones ding]
- Hold, please.
- Hang on one second.
"I just teleported you guys
on top of a mountain.
Sincerely, Miles."
What could that mean?
It's gotta be
some kind of code.
Yeah, definitely a code.
Schwoz, can you decode codes?
Mm, yeah,
let me just tinkle first.
[door slides open]
[screams]
[all scream]
♪ ♪
"Good night, Kn*fe.
"Good night, Plates.
Good night, Napkin."
Do the voices.
I don't do voices.
Well, Patrice can't sleep
unless you do the voices.
Now, be a napkin!
An Australian napkin.
[sighs]
[Australian accent]
I'm a napkin.
No monsters under here, boss.
No sign of my birth dad either,
but...
Here's your warm milk.
Here are your night oysters.
Ooh! Calloo callay!
But first, I must
make like a smart kid and whiz.
Which lucky Lucy
shall protect me?
Potty time is when
I'm at my most vulnerable.
The Mets are having
a great season.
Get a new ceiling?
The Warriors
are doing even better.
I'll do it.
Ooh, d'ah!
Trash Boy eyeing a promotion,
I see.
Very good.
[Australian accent]
I don't like Duke Wellington.
You do voices now?
- A little bit.
- Oh.
Now, avert thine eyes while
I christen the soil, peasant.
♪ ♪
- Aha!
- What ho!
Ruffians!
Nice job, buddy.
Hey, little dude,
what's this rag smell like?
[inhales deeply]
Well, a note of lavender,
wet clay, and...
Falling down.
Yeah.
- It's more of an R sound.
- "Noo"?
Yeah, close,
but more like "nar."
- R... "nar."
- Nar? Oh, my God.
This is stupid.
I know how to say "no."
I don't need to do it
in an accent.
I know how to say "no."
No monsters under here, boss.
No sign of my birth dad either,
but...
Who are you?
- Bose?
- Then who just took
the Dukey out to tinkle?
Crikey.
Okay, that face-swapping tech
is pretty dope.
Right?
Ray made me invent it
so he could turn his face
into Channing Tatum.
What, no I didn't.
Shut up, Schwoz.
Come on, let's go.
Let's go, let's go, let's go.
Go, go, go, go, go, go, go.
♪ ♪
Oh, good.
He's dead.
What?
No, he's just asleep.
Oh... yes.
Uh, much better.
Just give us our money,
you freak.
Yeah, man!
Give us the money!
Both: Hey, hey, hey, hey.
[overlapping chatter]
Okay, don't embarrass us
like that.
[overlapping chatter]
D'ah!
Mine heart.
[overlapping shouting]
Ah! Too much yelling!
[overlapping shouting]
You're going down, old men!
My royal ears!
Reduce your volumes.
Give him back!
No!
♪ If I only could ♪
♪ I'd make a deal with God ♪
♪ And I'd get him
to swap our places ♪
That statue of you
high-fiving yourself
doesn't even look like you!
Oh, yeah?
Well, neither does yours,
'cause you don't have one.
[overlapping shouting]
["Running Up That Hill"
by Kate Bush playing]
♪ ♪
Thank you.
Hey!
What the heck, man?
[overlapping shouting]
I made the mistake
of playing Tiny Ray in chess
for money.
All: Oh...
- Who is Tiny Ray?
I'm down ten large
to that guy.
Also, I found out
my girlfriend's ex bought her
a $ , handbag.
[overlapping agreement]
- You have a good day, man.
- Go on, man.
It's all good, buddy.
See ya.
[overlapping goodbyes]
♪ ♪
[heroic rock music]
Guess I'm just
built different.
Oh, that's Tiny Ray.
Man, how are we gonna get
those purses for our skirtses?
You still got
those ski masks, my guy?
Aw, man, I'm not sure if I d...
[screams]
[sighs]
Both: Plan B?
♪ ♪
Down the tube!
♪ Always on the scene
in the nick of time ♪
♪ The second I see trouble
I know I'll be fine ♪
♪ I'm okay ♪
♪ I'm okay! ♪
♪ Danger ♪
[vocalizing]
♪ ♪
♪ Danger!
One, two, three, Force! ♪
03x04 - Guardians of the Ponytail
Watch/Buy Amazon
Series is a spinoff of Henry Danger and follows four new superheroes-in-training, to attend Swellview Academy for the Gifted.
Series is a spinoff of Henry Danger and follows four new superheroes-in-training, to attend Swellview Academy for the Gifted.