18x20 - The Pink Sphinx Holds Her Hearts on the Turn

[bunniefuu]

STEVE: It's board game night, baby!

Monopoly?

Uh, hell yeah! Proceed directly to Go!

Cards against humanity?

Uh, on your mark, get set,
laugh your ass off!

I've never seen this one before.

Reciprocity: The game of attitudes?

Sounds wicked boring, bro.

Actually, it seems like this
game could be low-key sick-ass.

So, you spend flash points

to move the question flag
and get answer points.

Unspent flash points
are called nullifiers.

Whoever reaches flash point parity wins.

Any questions?

- Um...
- Great.

So, Francine,
I rolled the conundrum die,

and it looks like you're
entering a probe period.

- Oh, no!
- No! It's a good thing!

Or a bad thing?

You have to announce how
many nullifiers you have

in your quandary deck.

Oh. O-Okay.

And it's okay to lie.

Oh! Okay.

Mom decided to lie.

No, she didn't.

Okay. Say the number.

Here it comes.

I have... three nullifiers.

You decided to tell the
truth at the last second.

- No.
- That's a lie.

I declare reciprocity challenge.

Mom has three nullifiers.
It's embarrassingly obvious.

This game is stupid!

That's a disjunction!
That's two flash points.

Mom, don't get mad because
you're so easy to read.

I'm not mad!

- [LAUGHS]
- [LAUGHS]

Oh. Okay. Sure, Mom.

Look at her neck. So red.

I'm not mad!

I just remembered I'm, uh...

I'm getting an oil change tomorrow

and I haven't driven enough miles yet,
so I got to go.

Sorry to run,

but we've had a lot of laughs about me,
and I like that.

Mom, don't go. We were just having fun.

We don't want you to cry.

I'm not crying!

[INSECTS CHIRPING]

[SOBBING]

HAYLEY: Mom? We can hear you crying.

- Come back.
- I'm not crying!

I'm laughing! [LAUGHING]

- [ENGINE REVS]
- [SOBS]

JEFF: Mr. Klaus?

I swallowed a question flag,
and I need to go to the hospital.

♪♪

♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪

♪ I got a feelin'
that it's gonna be a wonderful day ♪

♪ The sun in the sky has
a smile on his face ♪

♪ And he's shinin'
a salute to the American race ♪

♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪

- ♪ Good... ♪
- ♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪

Aah!

♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪

FRANCINE: [SOBBING]

- [DOWN-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS]
- [TIRES SCREECHING]

[SOBS, WAILS]

[SCREAMING]

All right. That's enough of this.

- [SCREAMS]
- [TIRES SCREECH] - Ow! Ow!

Ow! Ow!

I thought you hid in
Stan's car every night.

Why were you in mine?

Not proud of it, but I badly
needed some cash for Funko Pops,

decided to steal your
catalytic converter,

then I realized I don't know
what a catalytic converter is

or where it is, even.

Thought it might be in the footwell,

but it's dark down there,
and I fell asleep.

- What's bothering you, Franny?
- It's the kids.

They act like my every
thought is so obvious to them,

like I'm just a big old obvious mom.

And what gets me most
upset is they're right!

So they can read you very easily,

and this makes you unhappy?

What if they couldn't
read you so easily?

- That might make you happy.
- Probably not.

But I want it.

Sounds like you need a poker face.

In a serendipitous stroke of luck,

tonight I'm being the Gambler!

The Gambler?

Yes. The Gambler, from the song.

Although I have a
complicated relationship

with that song, frankly.

Is it a good song? Yes.

Was Kenny Rogers able to get
his version of the story out

before I could release my book

detailing when to hold
them and fold them?

Why is it good for me
that you're the Gambler?

Because my game is poker.

And I think if we were able to sit down

and play a little poker,

I could get a look at your tells,

figure out what's tipping
Steve and Hayley off

about your every thought.

I'm not sure.

There's your first tell.

Your broken posture says to me,
"I'm not sure."

I said it out loud.

The ultimate tell.

The only hard part is finding a game.

Let's see.

Buckle has a treehouse game,
but it's a pretty rich crowd,

and also I struggle
with the rope ladder.

There's a game of five-card
stud in the sewers

where the toilet water gets all over you

and you're guaranteed
to get bit by rats,

but the downside is I don't like stud.

Oh, there's also
a nightly game of hold'em

in the back of this
grocery store right here.

So the sewer game, I guess?

No. Wait. The grocery store.
It's so close.

Most people don't know it,
but there's a lot of hot action

in the back of
supermarkets late at night.

- [MEN SHOUTING]
- Nope.

[MID-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYING]

B-b-b-bingo!

I mean p-p-p-poker!

Francine, meet the players.

Chinchilla Slim,
an old lady who always wears

an enormous fur coat and a cowboy hat.

Tom from the grocery store...
this grocery store.

He's got a nice, slim build,
but it's not in his name.

Then as usual, there's three performers

from whatever traveling Cirque
du Soleil show is in town.

Their bodies are insane.

Am I talking about
people's bodies too much?

Let's just play cards.

I'll watch for your tells,

and we'll talk if I notice anything big.

Your eyes twitch when you need a card,

you bite and spit your
nails when you're bluffing,

and when you get a face card,
you actually say, out loud,

"Ïh, Mr. Mooney!"

I didn't know I was doing any of that.

It's bad. But don't despair.

You're with the Gambler himself.

Didn't you die in that song?

Kenny took a lot of license there.

I fell asleep very, very hard.
I did not die.

Roger, help me.

Surface tells are easy
to handle with props...

wrist weights, fake lips,
mechanical ears.

But for the subtle, unconscious tells,
we have to go deeper.

If you'll allow me,
I'd like to guide you

through a helpful
visualization technique.

All right. Close your eyes.

I need you to picture
yourself standing alone

in a field of golden wheat...
barley if you know your grains.

- [DOWN-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS]
- FRANCINE: Oh, wow. I can see it.

Now I want you to back
away from yourself.

Let yourself get farther
and farther away...

not so far that you're gone,

but until you can't
see your face clearly.

Okay. I'm far away.

How is this gonna help
me hide my feelings?

Open your eyes.

You won! They couldn't read you!

Mm. That was an incredible hand

to play so stone-faced, little lady.

Huh.

Looks like my no-good
kids better watch out,

'cause Ìom isn't so
easy to read anymore.

[MEN SHOUTING]

Aah!

That's right.
Look over there, not over here.

Last night was amazing, Roger.

I really felt like I could
hide my emotions...

STAN: Where the hell have you been?!

I've been worried sick all...
the 10 minutes since I woke up

after sleeping nine hours straight!

Excuse me.
I have to take this... phone upstairs.

There's no call.

I'm sorry to worry you, honey,

but after I got so upset last night...

Upset?

But you repeatedly
said you weren't upset

before you stormed off in
what I assumed was elation!

And what is this?

- I can explain.
- I should hope so,

because if you think I'm
gonna let this slide...

Is that a fur coat?

I won that from Chinchilla S...

it's a man's coat, right?

N-N-No.

Anyway, last night,
I think I learned something that's...

Some things aren't a husband's business.

You were out. Who am I to ask where?

I'm gonna make you some
sausage and peppers.

You've got to be hungry.
Or maybe you're not.

Maybe you ate. It's not for me to know.

Mom. Are you just getting home?

Oh, it just drives you crazy
to not know what I'm up to.

So you're... up to something?

- Um...
- Mom's up to something?

- Steve!
- What's going on?

It's a probe period!

What I actually said was,

"never count your money when
you're sittin' at the table

"because you should get one of
those money-counting machines.

They're faster." Hello?

The bastard Kenny Rogers hung up on me!

- Didn't he die years ago?
- Sounds right.

I thought I had a poker face now,

but it still feels like the
kids can see right through me.

Well, yeah.
I mean, you only did one night.

Getting a k*ller poker face
will take more hands than that.

Then I got to play more.

Is this really the right solution

for your problem with the kids?

It's your solution that you recommended!

You passed my test.

How was it a test?

It was just an intricate little test.

Let's go play poker!

♪♪

Chimdale Stakes casino.

This is where the constant action is.

It's very grim,
but also very bright at the same time.

You got to moisturize.

The cigarette smoke will dry you out.

And eat your p fruits...
pears, peaches, plums...

because all the sitting and
the Red Bulls will stop you up.

Look at this room.

There isn't a regular BM'er in the lot.

Hemorrhoids every which way.

Hey, it's Chinchilla Slim!

Hi, Chinchilla Slim!

You took the only coat I
had in this whole world!

Don't say hi to me.

I don't know anyone else yet.
What's that over there?

That area's for high rollers.

The buy-in is twice Buckle's treehouse.

A lot of the players you're seeing here

will play the Chimdale Stakes
no-limit tournament next month.

Well, maybe I'll play in that too.

[SPITS] Are you crazy?

The buy-in on that
tournament is so steep,

it's like Buckle's treehouse on cr*ck.

Jack-high straight.

Flush! Hearts aflutter!

No. No!

Rose, please! Give me one more week!

- [DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS]
- The debt must be paid.

Mommy!

What the hell was that?

Keep your voice down.

That's Frog Rose,
Frog Ross's cruel sister.

She took over his chain of
successful Foie Grastaurants.

Anyway, Frog Rose is a backer,

someone who loans a
player betting money.

But she charges such crazy interest,

you have to win right away or...

- [FINGERS SNAP]
- She snaps you?!

She takes you away,
and you're never seen again.

I mean, maybe she does
snap you somewhere,

behind closed doors... I don't know.

The point is I don't work with backers.

And you shouldn't either.

Of course, all my decisions
have left me completely broke

and alone, but as God is my witness,

nothing can stop me from giving advice!

♪♪

You fiddle with your wedding
ring when you have a hot hand,

especially two pair,
Jacks with eyeballs.

Rubber electrician's
gloves will easily...

I'll just take the ring off.
I don't care.

Yikes.

♪♪

You're grinding your teeth
when you have a dead hand.

We need to go further into the barley.

[DOWN-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS,
WOMAN VOCALIZING]

Three eighty, four hundred...

...Four hundred and one!

And here's a little something extra

'cause you look so cute
with your ass up in the air.

Ooh!

- Who's oohing in here?
- And about what?

♪♪

Your eyes wrinkle at the corners
when you're hunting clubs.

Time for wraparound oakleys.

♪♪

[LAUGHING]

[RATS SQUEAKING]

I'm on a bad run!

Somebody help me with my life! Aah!

You tuck your chin when
you're trying to bait someone.

♪♪

[GRUNTING]

♪♪

Every time I come to whisper
in your ear is a huge tell.

I should stop, but I can't.

Who is that woman?

That's the second table
she's run this week.

No one knows anything about
her or where she came from.

They started calling
her the Pink Sphinx.

Pink Sphinx?

[CHUCKLES] That's a
stupid-sounding name.

You got that right, Frog Rose!

♪♪

I think you're ready to
take your poker face...

up to the big table.

[LEAVES CRUNCHING]

So... anything new with anyone?

The fur? I've always been a fur guy.

No. What's going on with Mom?

I bet we could guess.

You'd be wrong.

We've barely seen you since game night

- when you were so upset.
- Nope.

What are you doing? Another game?

[HEART b*ating]

Yeah. That's it.

But what game?

The glasses. Why?

- To hide the eyes?
- A mask?

A poker face.

Run, Francine!

No. You're right.

I am playing poker.

I hope you're sticking
to small-time games.

Yeah. With a poker face like that,

the real players will eat you alive.

Actually, I have a great poker face!

And I play in big, big games!

I'm playing in the Chimdale
Stakes no-limit tournament!

I need to be in that tournament.

Where are you gonna get
the money for the buy-in?

What about Frog Rose?

A total death sentence.
Let's brainstorm other ways.

Do you know what a catalytic
converter looks like

and where it is on a car?

FROG ROSE: You did the right
thing coming to me, sugar.

I'll stake your buy-in.

I think you'll find the terms very,
very diabolical.

Although legally,
they have to be called nefarious.

Oh, those lousy lawyers.
Where do I sign?

Francine!

Welcome to the big leagues, baby!

- Busted!
- S'up?

Mom, we've figured out what's going on.

You have a gambling problem!

- Nope.
- Then quit right now!

Nah.

Time for plan B...

enter the tournament
and defeat you ourselves

to save you from this addiction.

How could you both afford the buy-in?!

We just pawned our dad's
huge fur-coat collection.

Oh! That's smart!

We've got your number, Pink Sphinx.

See you at the final table.

It, uh, looks like
we're actually at your table

in the first round.

[UP-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS]

♪♪

Damn! I'm out.

I don't really know how to play poker.

I don't really know why I thought I did.

♪♪

All in.

Hmm.

Are you bluffing?

Harder to read than normal, but...
I still sense something.

- [DOWN-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS]
- FRANCINE: I need to go deeper.

[WOMAN VOCALIZING]

♪♪

[INHALES DEEPLY]

Wow. Maybe you can hide from me.

Still, my first instinct was call.

A pair of 8s.

Sweet 16!

Absolutely nothing!

The toilet flush!

The underaged boy wins the round!

♪ We saved our mom today ♪

♪ We saved that mom! ♪

Mom?

W-Where are you going?

Did we save you?

[DOWN-TEMPO INTRODUCTION PLAYS]

[ENGINE REVS]

ROGER: ♪ On a humid, swampy evening ♪

♪ In a swamp boat
bound for Swampville ♪

♪ The Pink Sphinx was a-taken ♪

♪ To where, she could not ask ♪

♪ 'Cause she d*ed inside her mind ♪

♪ To try to hide her tells ♪

♪ And what was once a poker
face is now a death mask ♪

Oh, it looks like winnin'
just wasn't in the cards,

my little moss blossom.

But don't worry.

You can spend eternity here,
in my big old wet casino

in the dead, dark heart of the swamp!

[LAUGHS]

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS]

[MID-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS]

ROGER: ♪ Well,
the swamp witch had old Francine ♪

♪ And there was no one
that could stop her ♪

♪ Then along came her penitent kids ♪

♪ And a handsome man named me ♪

Hey, Mom.

Keep runnin' into you at casinos.
[CHUCKLES]

Uh, but it seems like we
maybe didn't save you?

It seems like we maybe... doomed you...

Because we didn't understand
what was going on?

Well, well, well.
If it isn't the Gambler.

Frog Rose.

You think you're such hot gumbo

because Kenny Rogers
wrote a song about you.

Well, Fred Schneider of the B-52s
wrote "Rock Lobster"

after he saw moi get a nasty
sunburn at Rehoboth Beach.

Excuse me, but we want to
take our mom away from here.

Unfortunately, I own her marker,

and at the rate I'm paying her,

she won't be free to
leave in this lifetime.

What if we play you for her...
in a game of poker?

What are you putting up for stake?

Us. We'll work here forever too.

Ooh! That's what I was hoping you'd say!

I love that kind of sh*t.

Now join me at my spookiest table.

So, which one of you kids am I playing?

You'll be playing... Mom.

She's the Pink Sphinx,

and you'll never get a read
on her in a million years.

You want to pick her?

She's a drooler, boy...
un zombo du zwamp,

a fan boat with no gas, as it were.

Only because she thinks
we don't believe in her.

Maybe? Is that it?

- Why won't you talk?!
- [DOWN-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS]

[INSECTS CHIRPING, OWL HOOTING]

And now, with her own children at stake,

she'll surely shake
off whatever this is!

Please, Mom!

♪♪

If she doesn't play before
the game timer is up,

she forfeits.

What?
Where did this hourglass come from?

Gator g*ons, this game is in the bag,

and you're about to have
two more cursed co-workers.

You're gonna have badges and everything.

No breaks, though.

[LAUGHS]

I can't read anything.

She's not there!

♪♪

[GRUNTS, SCREAMS]

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS]

I got you!

You thought I was dead,
and I [BLEEP] got you!

- She's back!
- Mom's back!

You little rat punks.

You know me so well from
reading my frickin' body,

you can tell I'm upset before
I'm ready to talk about it!

Wow. We didn't...

Shut up! I'm ready to talk about it now.

I am upset!

I don't like game night!

I don't like this swamp!

I don't like poker!

I do like your father in fur.

I don't like you accusing
me of being upset,

especially when I am!

And I don't like these cards!

Don't say that in front of you-know-who.

I can't win with this trash...



Trash!

You're not really telling me
your cards, are you?

What is this? What's the play?

No play. I have a bad hand.

All you have to do is stay in
the game and you'll b*at me.

[CHUCKLES] Cute.

But I'm too smart for that old trick.

I fold.

[GROANS] Of all the foie grotten luck!

I tricked myself!

I guess this is mine.

STEVE: Time's up! You lose!

What?! No!

We came all the way out to
the mangrove table for this?

[ENGINE REVS]

[MID-TEMPO INTRODUCTION PLAYS]

ROGER: ♪ Well,
you better know your mother ♪

♪ When you're teasin'
her on game night ♪

- ♪ Know when to bother her ♪
- [FROG CROAKS]

♪ Know when's enough ♪

♪ And you should count your money ♪

♪ With one of those fast and
accurate counting machines ♪

♪ Kenny Rogers is a liar ♪

♪ Sometimes a cliff's a bluff ♪

- [MUSIC ENDS]
- That's the take. That's the one.

Have a great night!