01x01 - Always Smell the Money

[bunniefuu]

- MELANIE: Get out.

- ARTIE: I just want
to talk for a minute, okay? That's all.

- MELANIE: There's nothing
to talk about.

- ARTIE: What...

- MELANIE: Go.
- ARTIE: It's a little setback, all right?

- I can make it all right.
- MELANIE: A little setback?

Are-are you kidding me?
You've ruined our lives.

- ARTIE: All right.
- MELANIE: You destroyed us.

ARTIE: No, no, you're being
a little overdramatic right now.

MELANIE: Get the f*ck out
before I k*ll you.

ARTIE:
Baby, come on, come on.

MELANIE:
Take your sh*t and leave!

ARTIE:
All right! Okay. Jesus.

- If I go...
- MELANIE: Go!

[grunts]

[glass shatters]

[phone ringing]

- Yeah?
- ARTIE: Hey, it's, uh,

- 536.
- 536.

I got you minus 12 grand.

f*cking Saints, am I right?

- Yes, you are.
- I mean, you're gonna

cover the spread. Just pull
your panties out of your ass and

- take a knee.
- Okay, what do you like?

- A three-game parlay.
- Go.

K.C. minus six and a half.

Uh... Browns/Ravens,

first quarter under ten.

And the Jags plus
three and a half.

Uh, hook's gonna cost you
a buck 30.

Really?

Yeah, line moved
about 20 minutes ago.

f*ck.

Okay. All right.
Get me down for a grand.

All right, you lose,
you're over.

I'm gonna need
to see you next week.

Yeah. You don't like the play?

Who cares what I like?

It's just hard to get
three things right in the NFL.

I like it.

- You're down. Good luck.
- [phone ringing]

[sighs]

Hi, honey.

- SANDRA [over phone]:
We got a problem. - Go.

Go?

I'm not one of your
scumbag losers.

What do you need?

- $1,500.
- I just gave you three grand.

- My Invisalign, hello.
- Why you doing that?

I like your snaggletooth.

Also, Anthony's tuition's due.

A-At what point is his father
gonna kick in a few bucks?

- [phone ringing]
- His father's in a psych ward

- eating with a spork.
- Hang on.

Yeah?


Hey, it's 703.

- Go, 703.
- How's your day going?

Oh, life's a cabaret.

- Go.
- Packers/Rams over 52.

Titans plus six.

Dime on each. It's all I got.

- Thanks.
- All right,

you're down. Good luck, 703.

[phone beeps]

All right, I'm sorry.
I'll come by later.

SANDRA: You know, if you let me
open up a checking account,

I wouldn't have to bother you
like this.

Honey, what are the
two conditions I gave you

before we got married?

- No banks, no musicals.
- I love you.

Goodbye.

♪ What a fool believes... ♪

DANNY:
All right, how'd we do?

I didn't count it.

He's usually good.

♪ The power... ♪

Do we have to listen to this?

I like it, all right?
Leave it alone.

♪ What seems... ♪

- The f*ck?
- What?

Money, it reeks.

[sniffs, grunts]

- Tell me that's not sh*t.
- That is sh*t.

Son of a bitch
wiped his ass with it.

Or maybe he used it
to scoop up dog poo.

It's not dog poop.
This is human poop.

Oh, like you know
the difference.

Do dogs eat onions?

Use your head.

- [engine starts]
- That m*therf*cker.

Nothing pisses me off
more than people.

♪ To be ♪

♪ Is always better
than nothing ♪

♪ Than nothing at all. ♪

DANNY:
Roger that, 238. 100 bucks,

Winnipeg on the puck line,

and you want under
on the grand salami.

Smart. Good luck.

["A Horse with No Name"
by America playing over radio]

You got that?

Yeah, but, man,
do we have to listen to this?

Would you stop complaining
and take in the message?

[sighs]

Okay.

Stewie Malenkovich. Eight large.

That's a lot of green
for a waiter.

He's a maître d',
and, yeah, it is.

- Want me to take this?
- No, I got to go talk to him,

bring his number down.
Just hang out.

♪ You can't remember your name
'cause there ain't no one ♪

♪ For to give you no pain ♪

- [singing along]
- ♪ La, la, la, la, la, la ♪

♪ La, la, la... ♪

- Oh, hell no.
- [music stops]

- ♪ Just give me the paper... ♪
- Yeah, all right.

[song continues indistinctly]

- How you doing?
- We're not open yet.

Yeah, I know. I'm looking
for a, uh, Stewie Malenkovich.

He no longer works here.

sh*t. You know where
I could find him?

Sorry.

Stewie?

Is that you?

Oh, my God, it is you.

What the hell's going on?

Please, not here.

Is this like a Halloween thing?

Are you trying
to hurt my feelings?

No, no, I'm just confused.

If you must know,
after many heartbreaking years,

- I've decided to live my truth.
- Your truth?

So, question, does your truth
include paying the money

you lost betting on the WNBA?

Nobody bets on the girls.
[sighs] I thought I had an edge.

- Where's my money?
- I...

I don't have it.

Jesus...

[both grunt]

- The f*ck?
- I know this is where

you guys break legs and noses,

but I spent a lot of money
to look pretty,

and I'm not gonna
let you mess it up!

[grunts] I wasn't gonna hit you.

Liar!

♪ Goodness gracious, the paper ♪

- ♪ Where the cash at? ♪
- [grunting]

♪ Where the stash at... ♪

How'd it go? Oh.

Urgent care. You drive.

What happened?

I don't want to talk about it.

♪ One in the chamber,


♪ m*therf*ckers better strip ♪

♪ Yeah, n*gga, peel ♪

♪ Before you find out how... ♪

sh*t makes me nervous.

♪ You talk a good game. ♪

You know, I can pop that
back in for you real quick.

- No, thanks.
- You sure?

When I was in the league, man,
dislocated finger

was just a part
of doing business.

I-I-I prefer
a medical professional.

We used to straighten them out
for each other

right in the huddle.

Pass.

Suit yourself.

Probably need X-rays anyway.

She kicked me in the ribs
pretty good.

- She?
- Yeah.

Stewie's a girl now.

No sh*t.

Does Stewie identify as a girl?

- How the f*ck should I know?
- It's important these days.

People are sensitive
about their pronouns.

You punch me in the face, I get
to call you any pronoun I want.

I'm just trying
to point something out.

- Point this.
- Okay, okay, I'm sorry.

You should be.

- [bones cr*ck]
- [screams] The f...

- [screams] f*ck!
- We're good.

We're good.

SANDRA:
This is disgusting.

DANNY: Well, what do you want
from me? It's money.

Smells like it was
up somebody's ass.

Oh, people don't trust banks.

They keep their money
where they think it's safe.

Oh, don't even. Ugh.

What, you don't want it?
Give it back.

I didn't say that.

You know what else
you didn't say?

"Oh, honey, who punched you in
the face and broke your finger?"

You told me not to ask
about your business.

You could express
some compassion.

I said "yikes"
when you walked in.

- Never mind.
- [sighs]

Jesus, how did this
become my life?

Oh, really?
You want to go there?

You want to examine your life
pre-Danny Colavito?

- Don't start with the...
- Yeah, the single mother

slinging cocktails at Binion's
m*therf*cking Horseshoe,

- graveyard shift.
- I was doing just fine.

I had my dignity.

- Oh, did you?
- Yeah.

Because I remember on our

second date,
you bursting into tears,

begging me to take you away
from all this.

I was crying because I realized
you were the best I could do.

DANNY:
And you were probably right.

What other idiot's gonna
buy you a three-bedroom house

and set you up in some
bullshit boutique

selling God knows what the f*ck
on Ventura Boulevard?

SANDRA: It's an upscale
gift shop with offbeat gifts.

DANNY: It's a money pit
that I wash money through.

- SANDRA: Oh, yeah? Yeah?
- DANNY: Yeah.

SANDRA: Then why does Selena Gomez
only buy her candles from me?

DANNY: Oh, I take it back.
You sold a candle to a crazy broad.

So, Anthony, what are you?

Some kind of a pirate
or something?

I'm Lavi From D.Gray-man.

Lavi.

Is D.Gray-man a TV show?

[sighs] It's a manga
that also became an anime.

- Oh.
- DANNY: I love you!

I have no idea
what you just said.

Come on, we got to go.

- All right, kid, see you later.
- Bye, Ray.

See you later, Lavi.
Here's a 20.

- Go have some fun.
- Thanks, Danny.

Looking good.

[sniffs]
Ugh.

[doorbell buzzes]

- DANNY [over monitor]: Hi.
- Hey.

You want to buzz us in,
Lorraine?

What's the secret password?

Not now, Lorraine.

[door buzzes]

All right.

- Hey.
- Hey.

Jesus, what happened to you?

Your brother learned about
gender sensitivity. [grunts]

Here's the calls for today.
How's the online action?

Busy. Thursday night's game
is all K.C.

All right, move the line a half
and, uh...

we're writing off
the Malenkovich debt.

What? That's a big number, D.

- Just write it off. - Well, did you
at least let Ray wind him up?

I'm mostly a visual deterrent.

Listen, the days
of breaking legs are over, okay?

- I'm not gonna do anything that puts
the cops on my ass. - You're such a puss.

A puss that doesn't need

to join the Aryan Nation
to take a shower.

Listen, let me just
make a phone call.

No, that's not how
I do business.

What kind of business allows
a guy to walk

- on six grand?
- DANNY: Eight grand.

Every business.
It's called shrinkage.

Listen, all retail operators
factor in

losses due to shoplifting,

bad checks, what have you.

It's called shrinkage,
look it up.

I'll tell you what's shrinking.

Don't.

We're all thinking it,
that's enough.

f*ck you both.
Just write it off.

Fine. Oh, I do have
some good news.

Tell me.

I found Charlie Sheen.

- DANNY: Really?
- Yes.

- Where is that fuckwad?
- LORRAINE: In Malibu.

A rehab called
Freedom from Bondage House.

- How'd you find him?
- TMZ. Paparazzi got a picture of him

- walking in the back door.
- Let's roll.

Just got to make a quick stop.

I'm not waiting in the car
while you get laid.

You're welcome.

Yo, it's me. I got two pounds
ready to go.

No, I'm not selling
on consignment.

You pay for it up front,
or grow your own shrooms.

Train Town, Griffith Park,
one hour, bring cash.

No, you can't Venmo me.

I'm not cutting
your f*cking hair.

♪ Talk to me some more ♪

♪ You don't have to go ♪

♪ You're the poetry man ♪

♪ You make things all rhyme,
yeah, yeah... ♪

[sighs]

[engine turns off]

[sighs] You know,
I hope she appreciates

- what a wonderful grandson you are.
- She doesn't.

Yo, what you need that for?

No offense, but are we
or are we not in the hood?

Excuse me?

But "hood" is short
for "neighborhood,"

with an emphasis on "neighbor."

What do you want from me, Ray?
I'm scared.

[sighs]

LAMAR:
Yo, NFL.

You got old, man.

You keep talking, and you won't.

Look here,



- [grunts]
- [laughs]

See, Danny,
these are good kids, man.

Yeah.

They're the future.

[sighs]

Uh-huh. [laughs]
What you think, Grandma?



beautiful picture.

Is it hot?

No.

I don't care about no TV.
I want my house back.

Can we please not do this now?

See this? I used to live here.

It's in a cul-de-sac
in Brentwood.

That's a nice part of town.

I lived next door
to Judd Apatow.

Now look at me.

I live next door
to an oil derrick.

I'm doing the best I can.

I want to go back to Brentwood.

RAY: And I want
to get you back there,

but I don't play football
anymore, and I can't afford it.

You could play in Canada.

I broke my leg
in three different places.

They had to airlift me
off the f*cking field.

Watch your f*cking mouth.

Just... I just need
a little time.

I'm paying child support
to Brook,

to Janelle, to Sharise.

I'm doing everything I can.

Everything but a vasectomy.

[laughs]

What you laughing at,
Mr. Mafioso?

Oh, I'm not mafioso.

That's right. Mafiosos
pay off their grandma's house.

They take care of the people
who raised them.

I will not rest until I get you
back into a beautiful home.

Good.

Hmm. Does this thing have HBO?

Just basic cable.

How am I supposed to see
all that dragon sh*t?

I'll get on it.

See that you do. And you...

You look awful.

I know.

- [laughs]
- What?

"The dragon sh*t."

What the f*ck?

Yo, what happened to our car?

Got repoed, man.

But I was watching.

Repoed?

Didn't you take that car
in a trade?

Yeah, the Blue Book
was twice what he owed us.

Oh, man.

- I guess we're taking your car.
- I can't.

Grandma needs it
to go to water aerobics.

Are you kidding me?
Does she have to?

Do you want to go back in there

and tell her she can't go?

What you doing?

Uber. We got to get to Malibu.

No, take a Lyft.
Got a gift card.

Really? Who gives you
a gift card for Lyft?

- You did, Danny.
- Oh.

You're welcome.

[sighs]

PREACHER [over radio]:
The absence of Jesus is hate.

There is no love. Jesus is love.

The absence of Jesus is hate.

When you don't go to a church
where Jesus is,

that's a place...

[hip-hop music playing
over car stereo]

♪ sh*t clock, playa,
we hit it... ♪

Please don't be our ride.

♪ Right with it, right in it ♪

♪ It's 100% illegit ♪

♪ We don't pacify, we rise. ♪

[dog barking]

[window rolls down]

Lyft?

Would anyone like
a complimentary water?

RAY:
I'm good.

Are you happy with this?

What do you want me to do?

Eh, you could start
by tightening the man spread.

[sighs]

HECTOR:
You don't recognize me, do you?

I can't really see
from back here.

It's me, Hector.
"Hector delivers."

Oh, sure, the pot guy.

- Danny, right?
- Yeah.

Your wife enjoyed...

Don't tell me.

Purple OG Kush.

sh*t. That saved my marriage
a couple of times.

What the hell
are you driving a Lyft for?

Maybe you didn't notice.

The pendejos in Sacramento
legalized pot.

Put me out of business.

Yeah, I'm sorry, man.

Not as sorry as I am.

- You still running a book?
- Yeah.

Well, then you're next.

Only a matter of time
before California

legalizes sports betting.

Nah, the Indian casinos
will never let it happen.

Oh, sure, government
never fucks over Indians.

Hang on, excuse me one second.

What are we stopping for?

Don't worry.
I'm not on the clock.

BOTH:
Oh!

[bat clatters in trunk]

Okay...

Back on the clock.

So, Danny,

what happened to your face?

["Escape"
by Rupert Holmes playing]

♪ If you like piña coladas ♪

♪ And gettin' caught
in the rain ♪

♪ If you're not into yoga ♪

♪ If you have half a brain ♪

♪ If you like makin' love
at midnight ♪

♪ In the dunes on the cape... ♪

DANNY:
Can you wait?

- Your gift card.
- RAY: Be right back.

♪ Write to me and escape... ♪

Hi. Welcome to Freedom
from Bondage House.

How can I help you?

We're here to see Charlie Sheen.

Oh, I'm sorry,
but guests are not allowed.

Well, what about family?
I'm his cousin,

Danny Sheen.

Family is allowed on Family Day,

which is the third Sunday
of every month.

That's not gonna work.
Where is he?

I'm sorry,
but I can't let you in.

f*ck it, let's go find him.

Security. Reception.

Sorry, fellas,
you can't come in.

I can't do this again. Ray?

- How much do you make an hour?
- What?

How much do you make? Ten, 12?

Fifteen.

Not bad.

You get medical insurance?

Have a nice day.

Hi, I'm Ashley.
I'm an alcoholic,

a drug addict, a sex addict,

and I have an eating disorder.

GROUP:
Hi, Ashley.

Excuse me, guys, um, has anybody
here seen Charlie Sheen?

- Who?
- No? No Charlie?

As you were.

Just gonna...
take a mini muffin.

You see what's-her-name
back there, the p*rn star?

I did.

Ever notice there's
no p*rn supporting actors?

- They're all stars.
- Everybody's a quarterback.

[birds chirping]

[crying]

Excuse me.
You seen Charlie Sheen?

Who?

He was in Two and a Half Men.

Sitcom.

Never mind.

Hold on, hold on.
Have some compassion.

That's a beautiful view.

What is that, Catalina?

- That's got to help.
- [continues crying]

Okay, think good thoughts.

Eugene, it's on you.

Fifty.

[sighs]

Call.

- Angus?
- And... 50.

Oh, someone's feeling lucky.

I don't need luck to b*at you.

[laughter]

What happened to this kid?

He used to be so cute.

He gruesome.

[laughter]

Hey, there's my guy.

Oh, sh*t. Danny.

Ray.

Jesus, what happened to you?

Little scuffle. No big deal.

You should see the other girl.

So, what-what-what-what
brings you here?

What kind of question is that?
We were concerned about you.

Oh, you thought that...
[laughs] No, no, no, no, I am,

I'm clean as a whistle.
I just run a game here.

In a rehab?

Yeah. There's no g*ns,
the food is terrific,

and there's ample parking.

Could we talk to you
for a minute?

Of course.

Deal me out.

How'd you find this place?

Oh, I've gotten sober here
many times.

It's a wonderful program.
The owner's a buddy.

- He lets me rent the room.
- Nice.

So, what's it cost
to get the cure here?

Last time I got a nudge
from the judge?

- About 75 grand a month.
- [scoffs]

I'm in the wrong business.

You know, that's not too far off
how much you owe us.

Really?
'Cause I-I-I had it lower.

You had it wrong.

[scoffs] Come on.

You know me,
I'm always good for it.

Are you?

'Cause I seem to recall

having to push
your Maybach off a cliff.

You didn't push sh*t.

Ray pushed it.

It was an S-Class.

Who cares? I swear,

you will get your money.

I am, I am this close
to being a judge

on Japan's Got Talent.

Oh, terrific.
What kind of watch is that?

This? Oh, this-this is...

a cheap knockoff.
Garbage.

- Let me see it.
- [scoffs] Danny, come on.

- It's-it's junk.
- Ray?

All right, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Slow down. Take it easy.

Look at me, visually deterring.

Richard "Milly"?

Ah, it's actually Richard Mille.

Richard Mille.

That's a douche way to say it.

Google this, please.

Wi-Fi password?

- "Serenity."
- Of course it is.

It's, uh, M-I-L-L-E.

You talk to that Jon Cryer much?

Not for a long time, no.

He was a hoot.

He's my favorite.

It was really more
an ensemble show.

RAY:
Son of a bitch.

What?

That thing is 150 grand, used.

Charlie, I thought
we were friends.

We are friends,
but I only owe you 75.

- Charlie, Charlie, Charlie...
- Okay, okay, hold on, hold on.

What if I make this right
with some baseball memorabilia?

Guys, guys,

I've got Babe Ruth's
autopsy report.

- Stop.
- Okay.

Okay, uh, uh, how about the hat

Barry Bonds wore when he had
a regular-sized head?

Are you done?

Yeah.

Listen.

I like you.

I really do.

And I admire how you turned
your life around.

Well, thank you, thank you.
I have been working very hard,

you know.
I-It's all about the journey.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, enough.

I'm gonna tell you something

I never told a client ever.

I'm listening.

You shouldn't bet on sports.

You shouldn't bet on anything.

I mean, if someone's
giving you odds that Wednesday

follows Tuesday, you say,
"Nah, I'm good."

But, Danny, it's all I got left.

I understand, but nevertheless,
for a guy like you,

no bueno.

Okay. I hear you.

I appreciate
your concern, and...

I'm gonna take it to heart.

Good.

Let's go.

Hey. What was that all about?

I need a new bookie.

[laughter]

What am I missing?

Thing tells time,
whoop-dee-f*cking-doo.

If you don't like it,
let me wear it.

No.

[laughs] Hey, buddy.

We need another pitcher
of the margaritas.

With Don Julio?

We'll take the cheap sh*t
on the second pass.

- [laughter]
- You got it.

DANNY:
So,

here's what I don't understand.

Pot's off the table,

why don't you switch to selling
other dr*gs, you know?

Like crystal meth.
Kids still like that, right?

[laughs]

You seen what crystal meth
does to people's teeth?

I got a brother who's a dentist.

He showed me pictures.
Can't be a part of that.

DANNY:
Oh.

RAY:
That's... that's noble.

I don't know about noble, but
at least I can sleep at night.

After I smoke a bowl,
rub one out.

[laughter]

Oh, I got to do a toast.

To a shitty day

that turned into
a really great day.

- Hear, hear. Ah.
- Salud. Salud.

DANNY: You mind if I sit
in the front seat?

Be my guest.

Not that I didn't enjoy
our inadvertent

dry hump in the back.

RAY [laughs]: Hey,
just get your ass in the car.

Give me the watch.

Oh, f*ck.

Come on, give me
the f*cking watch.

And if I don't,
are you really gonna sh**t me?

RAY: It's not worth it, Danny.
Just give him the watch.

But what about our bad day
turning into a good day?

Don't make me
f*cking k*ll you, man.

sh*t.

- [sighs]
- What're you doing, Ray?

Yeah, what're you doing?

Protecting the quarterback.

- What?
- Throw the ball, Danny.

- What?
- Throw the ball.

DANNY:
Oh.

Anything?

You hit him once.

Oh, Jesus.

We got to get out of here.

[tires screeching]

♪ ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ I love Jimmy Luxury ♪

- ♪ Yeah ♪
- ♪ Hey! Hey! ♪

♪ La-la-la ♪

♪ I'll see you tomorrow
in Havana. ♪