02x04 - Players Only

[bunniefuu]

[cell phone chimes]

[sighs] Well, I'm still just
wide-awake. Must be the pressure.

I mean, what if I can't relax?

When I want to relax, I shut my eyes
and imagine I'm in a nice, hot bath.

I hate baths. You just lie there
in your own filth. Like a hippo.

That's why every time I have a bath,
I always have a shower afterwards.

[chuckles] That's ridiculous.

That's just doubling the
time it takes to wash.

Why not just have a shower?

Well, 'cause I like having a bath
and sitting in my filth like a hippo.

[laughs] No wonder there's no hot
water for me left in the morning.

[clicks tongue, sighs]

Well done for doing this.

No, I wanna do it.

- Well, I guess I'll see you tomorrow.
- Yep.

- Good luck. [kisses]
- Thank you.

Okay.

I'll miss you.

- Course you will. 'Cause I'm amazing.
- Mm-hmm.

[gasps] Oh, also, you are
paying for the next water bill.

- Fair enough. [chuckles]
- [chuckles]

- Night night, Veg.
- Have a good one.

- [sighs]
- [horn honks]

- Oh. Yep, sorry.
- [driver] Come on, mate.

I haven't got all day.

[person at counter] Thanks.

- Hiya.
- Hi.

- Um, Lisa Osgood.
- Okay.

Can you fill this out, please?

Thank you.

- Your room's through here.
- Thank you.

Can I get you
something to drink?

[sighs] I could m*rder a
dry white wine. [chuckles]

I, uh... I don't think...

Oh, no, I'm joking. Sorry,
I'm fine. Thanks. [chuckling]

[chuckles]

Thank you.

[sighs] Oh. Okay,
yeah, this is pretty...

Oh.

[cell phone chimes]

[Lisa] Okay, question.
When you have a bath...

[sighs] ...do you have
a shower afterwards?

[Danny] No. That would double
your washing time. That's mental.

[Lisa] Thank you. That is what I said.
Sorry, I just wanted a second opinion.

Let's see your room.
What's it like?

Uh, can you imagine
Buzz Lightyear's coffin?

What are you talking about? No.

[Lisa] That was a bit
random, wasn't it?

Honestly, though, you should
think about doing one of these.

What? You don't even
know if it works yet.

- Oh, wow. That's a good look for you.
- Oh, thank you.

That's amazing.
That's it right there.

[laughs] I mean, at this
point I'll try anything.

Think Veggie's really
starting to worry about me.

Yesterday he caught me putting
one of Poppy's toys on the cooker.

[Danny] You what?

[Lisa] Admittedly,
it was a toy kettle,

but I just c... I can't go on without
sleep, can I? [breathes deeply]

What do you hope to get out of it?
Do you think they're gonna cure you?

God, I hope so.

And with any luck, they'll
be able to do something

about my restless
leg syndrome. [sighs]

- Your restless what?
- It's just really weird.

Anytime I try and sleep, it's
like my legs wanna get up.

You and your legs
share the same brain?

Yeah, you know, I'm not so sure
that's true anymore, Danny.

- It's the truth.
- [dog yelps]

[stammers] What was that?

That would be Daisy.

Mmm, who's Daisy?

- That's Daisy.
- [gasps]

Where did that come from?

[Danny] Right, well, earlier, I
got a knock on the door from Adam.

All right, dude?

Don't suppose you could do me a
big favor and look after Daisy?

Uh, who's Daisy?

What? Um... Daisy, meet Danny.

I'm looking after her while
Mrs. Jackson's in hospital.

Her angina's flared up again.
But I've just been called in.

Fire at the chemical
plant. [inhales sharply]

Now, Daisy is very
low-maintenance.

Although, she is working through a
few issues. You know, emotionally.

What kind of issues?

Well, her therapist says that
it is clinical depression.

- Brought on by her inferiority complex.
- Sorry, did you say it's got a therapist?

Daisy doesn't like loud noises,
bright lights or big surprises.

And she really doesn't like being
criticized. Makes her spiral.

I just thought, you know,
with all your problems,

you'd both get on
like a house on fire.

And if she does get really stressed, then
Mr. Poppet will calm her down. [chuckles]

[Danny] And being the great
neighbor that I am, I said...

No. It's a no. Thank you.

[sighs]

[Daisy whines]

It's a yes. Come on.

[Daisy barking]

- Aw, it's a little dog.
- Little?

I could put a saddle on
it and ride it into town.

- Look at it. It's got biceps.
- [laughs]

Worst thing is, it doesn't
like being left alone.

- Aw.
- Tried to use the toilet, right?

And it bust the door open to get
in. I thought it was the SAS.

[Lisa] Hmm. Well, maybe it was
just desperate to use the loo.

See, it won't leave me alone.

- What do you want from me?
- Ooh, she likes you, Danny.

You should be happy about it.

A female who's into you. It
doesn't happen that often.

- That's harsh.
- [laughs] Sorry.

On that subject, actually. I'm
thinking of contacting Amy.

In your honest opinion, how long
do you have to wait to text a girl

- if you recently cut off their finger?
- Ah, I mean, I'd say 500 years.

- Really?
- Mm-hmm.

[sighs] That's such a shame.

- She was great. I really liked her.
- Yeah.

She was really funny.

Really funny, yeah.
Really, really funny.

- I remember that.
- She was so funny.

[chuckling] Look, um, I actually
can't keep talking right now,

'cause I have to
try and sleep, okay?

Yeah, same. I should
probably get going.

Oh, yeah? What are you up to?

I got a... [sighs] I got a
job interview to prepare for.

- [gasps] With who?
- The Rolling Stone magazine.

No. Stop it. Oh, my God.
Danny, that's amazing.

Why didn't you say anything?

Well, 'cause I
didn't wanna jinx it.

It's just an interview, so I
don't wanna get ahead of myself.

Only an interview? No, it's brilliant.
Trust me. You are so gonna get that.

Ah. No, no, no. You've done
it. No, you've said it.

- You've jinxed me.
- Wha... N... No.

- [gasps] Oh. Well done.
- [call ends]

Where have you gone?

Lisa. I'm Dr. Stafford.
You've met Kat.

Hello. [chuckles]

So, I'm just going to explain a
little bit about what happens here.

Uh, we're going to
monitor you with these...

Uh, polysomnographic magnets?

You've done some
research, I see.

[inhales sharply] These
assist us in assessing

and studying your
sleep patterns,

and your cognitive behavior.
We use the results to...

Help formulate a strategy
to treat my sleep disorder

and my night routine.

Looks like we have
an expert here, Kat.

That won't get
irritating at all.

I just need you
to press "agree."

Ooh. Oh, sorry.
I've lost the page.

- Sorry. [chuckles]
- Don't worry. [chuckles]

Let me just, um... Let me
just try and f... [sighs]

Oh, I like your
shoes. [chuckles]

Ooh. Thank you. Kat here thinks
they're a bit too in-your-face.

I... I didn't mean it
to come out like that.

[inhales sharply] Right.
Whilst we're waiting for Kat.

Do you have with you any
stimulants, like caffeinated drinks,

or gadgets and devices? A
laptop, tablet or phone?

- Good.
- No.

Now, have you been
to the toilet?

Oh, yeah, I did go, um,
but nothing came out.

Will that affect my diagnosis?

That's not a problem. If you
need to go in the night, you can.

Just remember to switch off your
mic. It's that little button there.

- Oh. [sighs]
- [gasps] Ooh. Found it.

Alert the press.
Inform the king.

[Kat] Just press there.

[Dr. Stafford] So, it's half past 11:00.
The lights will be going out shortly.

Please attempt to sleep.

- Good night. [chuckles]
- Night night. [chuckles]

- [Kat] I do really like your shoes.
- [Dr. Stafford] Too little too late, Kat.

- [cat meows]
- [Daisy barks]

[shushing]

Why do you have to make my life
so hard? It's just a cat. Oi.

[groans]

Come up here. Come
up here. Up again.

[groaning]

Stay. Watch.

Let me just... And then I can...

[Lisa groaning]

- [barking]
- [shushing]

[grunts] Oi. Oi. [grunts] Listen to me.
Stay. Stay there. I'm getting Mr. Poppet.

Daisy, what's this?
Look what I...

What the...

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no. No, what have you done?

Oh, my God. What have you done? You f...
You giant... [stammers]...hairy anus.

[Daisy whining]

Daisy, come back. I'm sorry. I
take it back. I take it back.

- I take "anus" back.
- [Daisy whines]

[sighs]

[snores]

[cell phone vibrating]

[grunts, groans]

Hello?

She's destroyed it all.

What?

All my interview prep. And the
interview is in four hours. LA time.

[gasps] Oh, my God.

- That's awful.
- Oh, yeah.

Big time. All of it's gone.
Prep, gone. Ideas, gone.

All of it's gone. I had full
pages on Bowie and Prince,

The Hologram Superband. I
had Cremated To Creedence,

The Ultimate Send-Off. It's
all gone. She's deleted it all.

And she's deleted it in a way that
makes it somehow irretrievable.

How's that possible?

Do you think she's some
kind of evil genius?

- Wait, are we talking about the dog here?
- Yeah, and she's playing silly billies.

She turned my laptop's
language into Spanish.

- What?
- Yeah.

I looked up "troubleshooting"
in Spanish, which was fine,

but now I'm having to use
the troubleshooting page

for troubleshooting in the wrong
language. It's all a bit too much.

- [groans]
- It's getting the better of me.

[stammers] I'm sorry. I know
you're supposed to be sleeping,

but you're the only
person I can call.

No, it's fine. It's
fine. Everything's fine.

Look, just, um... [smacks
lips] ...breathe, okay?

- Just make sure... Are you breathing?
- [breathing heavily]

Unfortunately, yeah.

Okay, give me two seconds.

Um... [sighs] ...hiya. Sorry,
um, I really need the toilet.

Is that... Can I go?

The door's not
locked, Ms. Osgood.

Good. [grunts]

How you doing? You okay?

Oh, yeah. Never better.

Good. I'm just trying
to find the loo.

Yeah.

[patient hums]

- [patient] Oh!
- [beeps]

- Caught me red-handed. [chuckles]
- [chuckles]

Can I bribe you with a Twix
to forget you ever saw me?

No need. I won't
tell if you don't.

- [chuckles]
- Clyde.

- Oh, uh, Lisa. [chuckles] Hi. Yeah.
- Yes.

My fourth time in here.

Oh.

What are you in for?

Uh, insomnia and
restless legs. You?

Night terrors. And other
stuff as well, which I...

[inhales sharply] ...which I won't
bore you with now. [chuckles]

[chuckles] I'll just...

If you can't sleep, I can download
some movies onto your phone.

Thanks. I'll remember
that. [chuckles]

It's mainly sci-fi.
I've got Men in Black 3,

Independence Day, Star
Trek Into Darkness,

Total Recall, w*r of the Worlds.

- Hmm.
- Prometheus, Men in Black 1,

The Abyss, Alien,
Alien: Resurrection,

and my own personal
favorite, Terminator 2.

Yeah. I'm just gonna...

[clicks tongue,
sighs] Not again.

Okay, I've only got ten minutes,
'cause I really need to sleep.

[Danny groans]

Okay, maybe I could
stretch to 15.

Listen, maybe this is
a blessing in disguise.

You can be spontaneous. You
can talk from the heart.

I can barely talk from the
mouth. I should just cancel it.

Let's face it, I can't
talk to human beings.

You're fine talking to me.

Yeah, but I don't class
you as a human being.

- That was meant to be a compliment.
- I took it as one, thanks.

Honestly, these
Zoomy-Skypey type meetings,

they're hard enough as
it is. But now... Nah.

I can't freestyle my way
through that interview

with all those
faces looking at me.

I feel like I'm being tried for
a crime in a dystopian future.

See, I always thought you'd
be good at this kind of stuff.

[grunts] I don't know what
it is. Interviews, exams.

Something just happens to my
brain. Like my first driving test.

[Danny] There I was, town center,
having a minor nervous breakdown,

- when the examiner said...
- Take the next left-hand turn.

[Danny] So I was panicking,
thinking, "Did he mean this left?

He can't have meant this
left. But it is the next left.

He said the next
left. He's testing me,

which would make sense
as this is the test.

- [turn signal ticking]
- Yeah, he meant this left."

Why are we entering a car park?

[stutters] Yeah, sorry. I just, uh...
When you said next left, I th... I th...

I thought maybe, um... [inhales
sharply] Just two... two seconds.

[breathes heavily]

- [horns honking]
- [Danny] No.

- [horn honks]
- Uh... Bear... Uh... Bear with.

[honking continues]

[Danny] I had to drive up three levels
just so I could go down again to exit.

Then, of course, I
had to pay to get out.

Have you got 3.50?

[Lisa] Honestly, don't worry about
the prep, okay? Just be likable.

When it comes to interviews,
it's all about attitude

and projecting confidence, okay?

You can't let your nerves
get the better of you.

- Do you wanna know what I always picture?
- The interviewer naked.

What? No. The egg in the shoe.

- What?
- My gran taught it to me.

Said if I was ever
feeling nervous,

I should just picture whoever is
talking to me has an egg in their shoe.

Why an egg?

Well, exactly.

- Why would they have an egg in their shoe?
- Hmm.

All right, doesn't like
the egg in the shoe.

What are you looking for?

Daisy. She's hiding. I
think I've upset her.

- Well, at least it's calmed you down.
- [grunts]

But what about your interview?

Balls. No, no, no, no, no. I can't
focus with Daisy in panic mode.

[Daisy whining]

[panting]

You all right there?

[pants, whines]

Listen to me. I'm sorry
I called you useless.

But we both said stuff in the heat
of the moment that we now regret.

So, how about we forget about the
past? Start afresh, clean slate.

And you come out from under the bed.
What do you have to say about that?

[barks]

Fair enough.

It's not working. What
can I do to cheer her up?

What do animals like? Food.

They like food, don't
they? I can make an omelet.

An omelet would be nice.

You up for a little omelet?

[Lisa] Why is the dog
under the bed a bad thing?

Like, now you can concentrate
on your interview.

I just don't want her
thinking I'm a bad person.

I hate the thought of
someone being mad at me.

- Hmm.
- That's why I can't do arguments.

I always cr*ck first.
Three years with Chloe

and I never won a single one.

Like that time she thought
Mark Wahlberg was Vanilla Ice.

Wasn't he Marky Mark?

Yeah. Vanilla Ice is a
completely different person.

She ended up talking me around.

Yeah, it's not like Chloe
to be manipulative, is it?

[exhales deeply] Huh?

Nothing. Look, I really have
to go. Danny, look at me.

- I'm looking.
- The interview is gonna be fine.

You know everything there
is to know about music.

You listen exclusively to bands

that no one in the real
world's even heard of.

Thanks so much for saying
that. I really appreciate it.

Yeah. And also talking to LA all
night. The hours are perfect.

But I wouldn't be working through
the night if I got the job.

Okay. Well, that's great.

Yeah. Job's in LA. I'd
have to move there.

- Daisy. Come on. Look at this. [gasps]
- So sorry, so sorry.

Can I check in?

Um, you know when you just said LA,
you meant, like... like in Los Angeles?

That's right. Come
on. Come on. Yes. Yes.

[gasps] Oh, thank God.

[gasps]

Are you okay in there?

Fine, thank you.

Why are you doing a lady's
voice? You're already a lady.

[shushes]

[Dr. Stafford] Perhaps I
should have made this clearer,

but it's quite difficult to
monitor you in the toilet.

[cell phone ringing]

- Hey.
- Oh, hey. Um, how's Daisy?

She's great. She bloody
loved the omelet.

Oh, cool. Um, look, so,
um... [clicks tongue] ...LA.

Yeah?

Do you really think
you can move out there?

I haven't got the gig yet.

Oh, I know you haven't got
the gig yet, but if you did,

I mean, we wouldn't be
able to do this anymore.

- What do you mean? Of course we would.
- How? Your night would be my day.

Yeah. But, I mean, if this sleep
clinic cures you, I mean...

You know, we wouldn't
be able to do it anyway.

Oh. Well, I can't really
imagine not doing this with you.

I mean, I'm... I just
don't really see you in LA.

- Like, I just... Like in my head.
- [coughs] Why?

I just think you'd look weird.

- But honestly...
- [chuckles]

how do you think you would actually,
like, you know, survive out there?

[Danny] I don't know.

Probably the same I do here.

Actually, I'm looking into
flying over the block of flats

so I don't have to go outside.

- What, like in Up?
- Exactly like in Up.

That'd be great. Well, at least
you'd have Adam for company.

Although he probably wouldn't
notice for a couple of weeks.

[chuckles]

See, you'll miss this. What
are you even gonna do in LA?

You don't know anyone.

Yeah. [sighs] Actually, I think, uh,
Chloe might be out there, but, uh...

- Oh. Really?
- Last I heard, yeah.

Oh, well. If you see her, I guess,
tell her to piss off for me.

Oh, come on. She's not that bad.

What do you mean she wasn't that
bad? Danny, she was an absolute knob.

- Especially what she did to you.
- Well, we're both to blame.

I am trying to be the
better person, thank you.

You are so incredible,

you are incapable of saying
a bad word about her.

I mean, honestly, if someone had cheated
behind my back with three people,

I would so not be defending
them the way that you are.

Sorry, what'd you say?
Did you say three people?

There was one person.

- Isn't it the Milo guy?
- Was it?

Oh, yeah. Yeah, sorry. I
must have been mistaken.

- You're saying it's three people?
- I'm not. Forget that.

- How did you know it's three people?
- I... I don't know...

- Lisa, how'd you know it's three people?
- I don't... [sighs]

[inhales deeply,
exhales sharply]

I just heard about the other
ones from a friend of a friend.

- A friend of a friend?
- Yeah...

It was just a stupid
WhatsApp group and then...

- There's a WhatsApp group?
- No, not about this.

- Who's on the WhatsApp group?
- I don't know.

As soon as it got
mentioned, I left the group.

- It's not... It wasn't about this.
- Okay.

[inhales deeply] How
long have you known?

- What? Known? Like...
- That's a while.

- No, it's not a while. No.
- It's a while. Okay.

- Who else knows?
- [sighs] I don't know.

That's everyone.
Okay. Everyone knows.

Everyone knows and
nobody wanted to tell me?

- No, Danny. Danny.
- It's fine. I'm actually... [stutters]

- Danny, listen.
- Can I call you back later?

- Hang on. This...
- [call disconnects]

[gasps] Oh!

Hand it over.

- Take it to the office.
- Oh.

- [door closes]
- [sighing, groans]

[Danny groans]

Idiot.

[door closes]

[panting]

[gasps] Yes. [breathes heavily]

[gasps]

[snorts]

[whispering] Oh. [scoffs]
No. [inhales deeply]

[door opens, closes]

Oh.

Please don't tell her I'm here. It's
my break but she won't let me sleep.

- It's okay.
- [chuckles]

[elevator dings]

[grunts]

[normal] Oh, Clyde.

Clyde?

Come with me if
you want to live.

- Can I make a quick call first?
- [grunting]

No, you're sleepwalking.
Cl... Clyde. Stop it!

- [grunting continues]
- Clyde, you're sleepwalking. Stop it.

[grunting]

[siren blaring]

[Lisa groans]

Uh...

- Oh. Hello again.
- [sighs]

[chuckles] It's me. Ooh, it's
quite a commotion, isn't it?

What's happened?

[gasps] What have you done?

- [line ringing, stops]
- [Danny] Hi, this is Danny Gibson.

- Um, leave me a message...
- Night night.

And I will try and get
back to you. Thanks

[voice mail beeps]

[Lisa] Hiya. It's me.
[chuckles] Uh, funny story.

Um, so, you know the
sleep clinic I was at?

Well, I have just been
escorted off the property

and they have given
me a lifetime ban.

I asked them if they could
still give me a diagnosis

and the doctor said yes. And
then she told me I was a twat.

So, I think that might be a
first for the medical world.

So you're stuck with me.

You know, if you'll
still have me. [chuckles]

[Lisa] I'm so sorry I didn't
tell you about... you know.

I knew it would upset you and
I was just too much of a coward

to say anything.

Actually, I made a new friend.
He's called Clyde. So, yeah.

You know, if you stay made at me forever
then I'll probably just do this with him.

[Lisa] Please don't
stay mad at me.

{\an8}Look, I really wanna know how
your interview went, which is...

{\an8}[gasps] Oh, it's
happening right now.

{\an8}[gasps] Oh, I bet you're
k*lling it. You're brilliant.

Bye, Danny.

[snoring]

[computer chimes]

Hi, Danny. Good to meet you.

[interviewer 2] Hey,
buddy. How you doing?

[interviewer 1] Danny?

[interviewer 2] Danny?

[panting]

[interviewer 2]
Whoa. That's not him.

- D... Danny? Danny?
- [interviewer 2] Danny, Rolling Stone.

- No. No.
- No.

- Right, that's a no then. Bye.
- Sorry, Danny.

- [call disconnects]
- [Daisy whines]