01x11 - The Moose on Haunted Hill/The Creature from Frostbite Falls

[bunniefuu]

NARRATOR: When we last saw Rocky and Bullwinkle,

their mysterious, spooky butler

saved them from their mysterious, spooky house,

which mysteriously and spookily disappeared into a portal.

Not as mysterious was Boris and Natasha

failing to find Fearless Leader an evil vacation home.

Idiot!

NARRATOR: But, in a definitely crazy turn of events,

Bullwinkle gulped down an old energy drink,

that wasn't really an energy drink,

which instead turned him into a monster!

(SCREAMS)

NARRATOR: Other things you need to know,

these are the Monster Bros,

Internet superstars who claim to catch monsters,

but never do.

Whoa. That was harsh, bruh.

NARRATOR: And now, we pick up our next crazy adventure

on top of Spooky House Hill.

(GROWLING)

B-B-B-Bullwinkle.

You're a m-m-monster.

Quick question, are you a friendly monster

or a friend-eating monster?

(ROARS)

(COUGHING)

Ooh, sorry, Rock. Hairball.

Now, what were you saying about a monster?

Look at yourself.

(YELLS) I've got monster hands.

(YELLS) I've got monster everything!

This is bad. This is so bad!

Oh, wait, it's not that bad.

(YELLS) It's bad again!

We gotta fix this!

Never mind, all fixed.

Not fixed!

NARRATOR: Oh, my. The only thing scarier than Bullwinkle's condition

is this heart-stopping opening title sequence.

(HOWLING)

(SPOOKY THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

NARRATOR: We now return to our story

to find a horde of cranky commuters at the airport.

Me plane left without me, it did.

Extry, extry!

Big Ben running five minutes slow!

Everyone late for everything!

(CLOCK DINGING)

Aah! If only someone could fix

the tippity top of that tickity-clock!

Okay, the plan is simple,

we need to get you on a plane

before you turn back into a monster,

fly back to Frostbite Falls,

and see our beloved family physician, Dr. Oldman.

Who will definitely know what to do,

because I've never had a problem he couldn't fix.

Don't eat that.

Don't eat that.

♪ Don't eat that ♪

(CHUCKLES) Boy, I ate a lot of silly things back then.

Ooh, duty-free cricket bats.

Yum!

Don't eat that.

Okay, now, just stay cool

and don't turn into a monster.

Right-o.

Next.

Next.

(GROWLS)

(SCREAMS)

Is there a problem?

(ALARM BLARING)

(OVERLAPPING INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Aww, nuts. Run!

NARRATOR: Oh, no. If word of this spreads,

our heroes will never get out of London!

But it looks like word's about to spread.

NEWSIE: Extry, extry!

Monster Moose on the loose!

Scotland Yard vows to put monster away forever!

Scientists say, "Not before we can do experiments on him,

"and probably his squirrel friend, too!"

NARRATOR: Okay, that's enough headlines.

One more!

Monster Bros arrive in London

to catch the Moose Monster

and prove they're not just energy drink-shilling frauds!

NARRATOR: Oh, well. If you can't b*at them, join them.

Extra, extra!

Fearless Leader, all packed for his evil vacation home!

(SCATTING)

Nothing like a little me time to recharge the evil batteries.

Am I right, Evil Chicken? (CHUCKLES)

(CLUCKS) (ELEVATOR DINGS)

Boris, Natasha! Perfect timing!

We are all ready to move into our evil summer home.

Yeah, a-about that...

What's with the floor door?

Is only thing left of evil summer house.

What? (SQUAWKS)

Yes, evil vacation home

kinda disappeared into ether

via spooky inter-dimensional vortex.

(GRUNTS) You two, always with the bad news.

Why can't anybody bring me good news?

(DINGS)

(CLEARS THROAT)

Extry, extry!

Fearless Leader loses summer home,

but gains plot to take over world with monster army!

I do?

I do!

That is good news.

Look!

"Big Ben still running five minutes late." Big whoop.

No, the other headline.

"Moose Monster menaces metropolis."

Yeah, again, big...

Wait. "Moose monster"?

As in, Moose moose?

As in, Moose and Squirrel?

And if one monster can bring London to a halt,

just imagine what an army could do!

Oh, yes. I'm imagining right now.

(MENACING CHUCKLE)

I imagine us all as best friends,

laughing, monster-ing,

accepting each other's personality quirks.

♪ Friendship and monsters

♪ Monsters and friends

♪ Together together... ♪

Natasha looks mad.

(GRUNTS)

Fantasy idiot.

Capture that monster and bring it back to me

so I can dissect it, learn its secrets,

and create a monster army!

BOTH: We will bring monster right away, Fearless Leader.

♪ Friendship and monsters

♪ Monsters and... ♪

(SLAP) Hey.

NARRATOR: With mission in hand,

our evil spies headed to London to catch the Monster-Winkle.

But they weren't the only ones on the hunt. PAULY BRO: Yeah, yeah.

This is awesome! We're gonna catch that monster, yo!

It's gonna be awesome, bro.

Yeah, bro-bro-bro! Yeah, bro-bro-yo-bro-yo!

NARRATOR: But little did they know,

they drove right by our heroes.

What am I going to do, Rock?

All of London is out to get me.

That's 'cause these headlines say you're a mean monster.

But we're gonna show them you're a nice monster,

and then everyone will love you.

NARRATOR: I see where this is going.

Cue the "Prove to everyone Bullwinkle is a nice monster" montage music!

(WHISTLING) (LIGHT GUITAR MUSIC PLAYING)

Now, when everyone sees you walk

the adorable old lady across the street,

that's me,

they'll see you're nothing to be afraid of.

No problemo, squirrel-o.

Look, it's the monster!

Yeah! But he looks friendly now.

Now, smile for the front page.

(YELPS, GROWLING)

(SCREAMING)

NEWSIE: Extry, extry!

Mean monster tries to gobble granny!

(SIGHS)

Okay. Operation: New Headline.

Now, I'm a British cat stuck in a tree,

and the nice monster's about to save me.

And I'm the nice monster, right?

Yes. And you're the cat?

Yes! Now save me!

Meow. I'm a British cat in trouble. Meow.

Ooh! Look. It's that granny-eating monster.

But now he's saving that kitty.

It's working.

And now, the nice monster pulls me down to safety.

And that's a beehive.

Oh no. Ow!

(GASPING, GROWLING)

NEWSIE: Extry, extry!

Creepy creature catapults cuddly kitty!

Okay, I'm a bus driver who's lost control of the bus,

and the nice monster's going to save me.

Stop the bus. Got it.

ROCKY: Help!

I lost control of the bus, I did.

Someone or something help me!

Look, that driver's lost control of the double-decker.

But the monster's going to save him.

Perhaps we've misjudged him all this time,

and we're the monsters.

Now, big smile for the headlines.

Of course.

(HORN HONKING)

(SCREAMING)

NEWSIE: Savage squirrel slams innocent moose,

now considered more dangerous than monster!

NARRATOR: And so, as Rocky's nice monster plans British-backfired,

Boris and Natasha arrived in London,

looking like nice British clichés.

I am affable yet freewheeling chimney sweep.

And I am uptight nanny who always carries umbrella.

As in, spy umbrella that sh**t sleep darts!

ALPHA BRO: Yeah, yeah, this is gonna be good!

Go, go, Monster Bros!

I hate those guys.

Now, let's go find that monster.

Ah, there she is,

our new nanny and her filthy chimney sweep friend.

Uh, what's going on?

I'm a very busy businessman who is very busy with business.

Luckily, I have you

to take care of my precocious Pippa and Manchester.

No, seriously, what is going on?

I'm sure you'll do a bang-up job watching them

whilst I busily do business.

(CLOCK DINGS)

Drat, Big Ben. I'm five minutes late again.

Wait. We're not real nanny and chimney sweep.

Go on, then. Entertain us with whimsy.

We don't do "whimsy."

Yeah, we do mean-sy.

(GIGGLES) More. More!

(GRUNTS) This all happened so quickly!

CHILDREN: Whimsy!

Extry, extry!

Monster Moose still on the loose.

Classic angry mob, Scotland yard

and scientists searching the city everywhere!

(OVERLAPPING INDISTINCT YELLING) MAN: After him, lads.

He went this way.

CHILDREN: Whimsy!

Hokey smokes.

The whole country's looking for you.

There's no way we'll get back to Frostbite Falls

so Dr. Oldman can fix you.

Do not panic, Rock.

Because this is the part where you'll give me

a rousing speech about not giving up,

rallying me to the perfect solution!

Yeah, I got nothing.

NARRATOR: Well, I do,

because this is also the part of the story

where Bullwinkle looks across the street

and sees the thing that just might save the day!

Rocky, look!

(ROCKY READING)

It's almost too good to be true!

But you know what they say, Bullwinkle,

if something's too good to be true,

it probably is.

Yeah, but what do "they" know?

(LAUGHS) They know nothing.

Yeah, "they."

We caught the monster, yo!

BOTH: Let us out! Let us out! Sleep darts can't slow us down.

ROCKY AND BULLWINKLE: Let us out!

I'm not a monster,

but I am a huge fan of your work. NARRATOR: Wait.

The Monster Bros actually caught a monster.

They never catch monsters.

We do now, yo.

ALL: Aww, yeah!

(OVERLAPPING CHEERS AND LAUGHTER)

NARRATOR: Rocky and Bullwinkle are trapped and at the mercy of the Bros?

Oh, no, yo!

Oh, yes, yo.

And if you like that, check this out, bro.

(SPOOKY MUSIC PLAYING)

(FLOOR CREAKING)

Yo, bros!

Look what I just found.

Beast Blast Energy Drink.

In new bro-licious flavors?

There's "Slam-pire Slurp."

"Guav-zilla Guzz."

"Lemon-limenstein!"

ALL: And "Sugar!"

(COUGHING AND GAGGING)

MALE ANNOUNCER: Get your parents' permission before drinking Beast Blast.

Side effects may include being totally rad,

having too many friends,

and itchy, black, full-body rash.

ALL: Wait, what?

MALE ANNOUNCER: Beast Blast!

NARRATOR: And we're back to find the Monster Bros bro-ing out,

with our heroes trapped inside their bro van, yo.

Extry, extry!

Monster Bros claim to have caught the Moose Monster!

Currently racing to Hyde Park

for super awesome public unveiling!

PAULY BRO: Yeah, yeah, this is gonna be good, this is awesome, oh, yeah!

This just in.

(SCREAMS)

Check it, bros.

We're finally gonna prove to the world

that we for-reals caught a for-reals monster.

Yeah. Now nobody can say we're just Internet loser-bros

that lie about catching monsters

just to sell energy drinks.

Today we are legit, yo.

(INDISTINCT YELLING AND CHEERING)

I'm scared, Rock.

It's like I don't even know what's happening anymore.

Well, let's see.

According to this, Londoners are still late for everything

'cause of Big Ben.

The Monster Bros caught you, we already knew that.

And scientists...

Uh, never mind that.

Wait, what?

Scientists what?

Scientists don't want to poke, prod and study

the hideous beast for science.

Wait, you're lying.

Your left eye always twitches when you lie.

No, it doesn't.

Give me that.

(YELLS) Scientists do want to poke, prod and study me!

And they're waiting at the park!

But you forgot about this headline.

"Everything works out for Rocky and Bullwinkle,

"and they get home to Frostbite Falls safely."

Is that the Rocky Times?

It's a reputable publication, and it's full of hope!

(INDISTINCT YELLING)

Natasha, look! There goes loser bros.

Now we just have to follow them, destroy them,

and steal their monster for Fearless Leader.

That's no fun.

We want to journey to a magical land

by jumping into paintings!

Look!

What are you talking about?

You can't jump into paintings.

Sure, you can.

You just have to use imagination and whimsy.

That's ridiculous. Look.

I am jumping.

I have imagination and whimsy.

And... (SCREAMS)

Yeah, I'm not going in there.

CHILDREN: Whimsy!

(ALL SCREAMING)

I'm freaking out.

That's okay.

Because when you find you're freaking out...

It means your heart is speaking out.

♪ And telling you to dance and sing a song...

Please, no song. Oh, please, no.

♪ Magi-fragi-super-duper fubble-fooble-wubble!

♪ Magi-fragi-super-duper fubble-fooble-wubble! ♪

Natasha, what is going on?

I think we might be dead!

NARRATOR: As the cartoon puffins continued to dance

and terrify our villains,

the Monster Bro big monster show was nothing but no-shows.

I don't get it, bros.

Everyone should be here by now, yo.

(CLOCK DINGS)

NARRATOR: Oh, wait. Big Ben is five minutes slow, and everybody's late.

(CROWD CLAMORING)

Ladies and gentle-bros!

And nasty science bros!

(MENACING CHUCKLES)

Are you ready to see a monster?

CROWD: (CHANTING) Monster! Monster! Monster! Monster!

We don't have much time, Bullwinkle.

You gotta use your monster strength

to get us outta here.

Why didn't we do that before?

I was busy writing the Rocky Times!

I'm sorry I made fun of it! It's a great paper!

Now, let's do this.

(GRUNTING)

(GASPING)

Whoa!

Looks like he's getting pretty worked up in there!

Maybe he should chill out with a...

ALL BROS: Beast Blast!

(CHEERING)

Monster. Monster. Monster.

(PANTING)

It's no use.

This bro van is made of solid bro-enforced steel.

Then I guess it's time to chill out

with a Beast Blast, bestest buddy.

ROCKY: Here's to good times, old friend.

You wanted a monster?

Well, here it is.

It's just a moose.

This was all just some cheap stunt

to sell energy drinks!

They think we're daft, they do.

Okay, we should go, yo.

Get 'em!

(SCREAMING)

Bullwinkle, now's our chance.

We've got to get to the airport

and get back to Frostbite Falls before you turn into a...

Aww, crud.

(BORIS GRUNTING)

(GRUNTING)

We never speak of this again.

CHILDREN: Whimsy!

Well, there's something you don't see every day.

Boris, is Monster and Squirrel.

We should probably stop drinking this stuff.

And run!

Hang on!

BOTH: Wait for us!

Oh, what a splendiferous day!

BORIS: I hate those kids!

Okay, we should be safe up here.

Think again, Monster Moose and Squirrel.

(YELLS) Evil spies!

(YELLS) Precocious children!

You're coming with us now to Pottsylvania.

Where Fearless Leader will do experiments on you

to create an evil monster army.

And this time, nothing will stand in our way!

CHIMNEY SWEEP: Stand?

♪ Why stand when you can sing?

Musical chimney sweeps. BOTH: Hurray!

♪ Sweeping leaping Happy tappy

♪ Hokey smokey Chimney sweeps

♪ Sweeping leaping Happy tappy... ♪

No more singing.

Aww!

"Aww." This is real life!

And where is Monster Moose and Squirrel?

Over there!

NARRATOR: And that's when Boris and Natasha realized

that while they were dealing with musical chimney sweeps,

their monster was taking the time to climb...

Big Ben!

Oh, and running past Big Ben?

The Monster Bros and the angry, crazy monster mob!

Hold up, Brit-bros.

There's the monster!

You should be angry-mobbing him, yo.

They're right. Get him!

(INDISTINCT YELLING)

Oh no, Bullwinkle, they spotted us.

Don't worry, fuzzy buddy.

There's no way they can catch us way up here.

Extry, extry!

Scientists plane-jack antique air show!

Totally able to reach Monster Moose for painful experiments!

Seriously?

ALL: Experiments!

NARRATOR: Wait a minute.

Monster climbing a tall building.

Old airplanes swarming him.

Haven't I seen this somewhere before?

(ROARS)

NARRATOR: Nah.

Nowhere to run now, Moose Monster.

(WHIMPERING)

(LAUGHS) He's almost ours.

Wait, who's watching the kids?

♪ Let's go fly a plane... ♪

Crud.

(SCREAMING)

Rocky, I can't hold on!

But you can't fall.

The classic angry mob is waiting for you.

CROWD: (CHANTING) Monster! Monster! Monster!

Sorry, Rock,

but I think we're running out of

time!

(CROWD GASPING)

What's he doing?

Look! The monster set Big Ben to the correct time!

We'll never be late again!

He's a nice monster after all.

(CHEERING)

Oh, he's a nice monster now.

We shouldn't hurt him.

Let's go do experiments on other things, gents.

Bullwinkle, the planes have gone away,

and everyone's cheering for you.

Okay, but what do we do now?

Extry, extry!

Monster Moose lets go of clock 'cause all of England loves him!

(SCREAMING)

NARRATOR: And so, thanks to the Moose Monster's coincidental clock correcting,

Rocky and Bullwinkle were invited to Buckingham Palace,

where they were to be knighted as official monster clock keepers.

It is an honor to meet you darling.

(GASPING) NARRATOR: Oh, no!

After all that, our heroes have found themselves

in a hairier situation than before.

What's with the wind?

NARRATOR: Wow! Did I say "hairier"?

Because I meant to say "Harrier Jet."

But whose jet could it be?

BOTH: Spooky house butler?

Do get in. I'm here to assist you.

BOTH: Okay.

BOTH: Hurray!

All right, children, time to go.

Did you have a nice day?

BOTH: A truly splendid day, Father.

Whimsy!

NARRATOR: But where in the whimsy

is that spooky butler taking Rocky and Bullwinkle?

And what's behind that dark, spooky cloud?

And will Fearless Leader ever get his monster army?

Find out next time on A Pain in the Butler,

or The Island of Doctor Moose-reau!

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)