03x06 - The Tension is Brewing

[bunniefuu]

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]

KIM:
Previously on The Kardashians...

I know something that
is hard for my mom.

Like, "Did I create them
to get to this level?"

SCOTT: Right.

KRIS:
The work, the fun, the family,

I'm grateful and blessed,
but... it's a lot.

So, how'd your call go
with Dolce, Domenico and them?

KIM: I got a call saying
that they wanted me

to creative direct
their fashion show in Milan.

I don't wanna pass this up.

She's putting out
all these vibes from my wedding,

looks that we so carefully curated.

She's mad that
I'm doing the Dolce thing.

It's not rational.

It's just, like,
legit copying my wedding.

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

My whole life,
people tell me how to live

My whole life,
never had a...to give

I'm all right,
I don't need your two cents

I got money in the bank,
snowflakes on my fist

If you tell me what to do,
watch me bang up on my chest

I'm a woman, I'm the best,
take offense, say less

I swear this is where
I came to get my license.

This is my life

Hey!

Watch out, this is my life

Hi. Thank you guys for...

staying open.

CHRIS: Today, we are with Kim,
and we are getting her

driving license picture ready.

But it's a big deal 'cause you have to
live with it for a long time.

CHRIS: Yeah, but too many people

live with driving licenses
which are not cute.

No matter where Kim goes,

me and Ariel have got
her back. [CHUCKLES]

ARIEL : Duh. They say this is...

I mean, this is,
this is the most

important photo
you'll ever take in your life.

I'm turning 42.

That's why we all look
so much better than,

like, our, our grandparents did

-when they were, like, 60 and... You know?
-Hmm.

-It's not the Botox?
-[ARIEL LAUGHS]

My hopes for 42-year-old
Kim is that

I really just wanna have fun,
I want peace, I want calmness,

I want good vibes.

Yeah, everything. [CHUCKLES]
I want the whole world.

My height is 5'3 and a half.

What does this say? 5'3".

Get a [BLEEP] stick...
Get a, a height thing.

What are you talking about?
Of course.

Kimberly, you're definitely,
like, 5'2".

-I was gonna say, it's definitely 5'4".
-[LAUGHS] Five...

-Oh! [LAUGHS]
-Yeah, I think 5'4".

KIM: Okay, guys.
Thank you for waiting.

I really just want
it to look good.

Like, why not bring
a light and a glam team?

It's definitely crazy,
but I don't care.

What if I went...

[LAUGHTER]

So, I'mma have you go do
your 25-question knowledge test.

-KIM: Wait, what?
-ARIEL: What?

For real?

-[LAUGHTER]
-Oh, I was like, "I-I can do it."

-Are you gonna fix the hair?
-Yeah.

KIM: Do you need a blow dryer?

Do we need to powder,
like, there?

You guys, should I
add "West" or no?

No, I'm Kim Kardashian.

Oh my God, I'm so nervous.

Just kidding, as long as I have
photo approval.

Chin down.

BLANCA: You wanna keep
your eyes focused on the blue circle.

-CHRIS: This is gonna be...
-'Kay, hold on, wait 'til I'm not smiling,

hold on. [LAUGHS]

CHRIS: God, can you imagine?

What if I'm like...

-[CHRIS LAUGHING]
-Okay, hold on.

-I would die.
-Okay, no wrinkles, no smiles.

BLANCA: It's gonna set up first.
KIM: Okay.

BLANCA:
Let me know when you're ready.

-Ready. And stop, dude.
-BLANCA: Ready?

-No. Just let me just move this.
-Dude.

Uh, I promise.

You're gonna have
to live with this for years.

-You'll hate it.
-Okay, okay.

Hold on.

[EXHALES] Okay.

BLANCA:
Ready? Four seconds, here we go.

-One, two, three, four.
-[SHUTTER SNAPS]

-Can I see it?
-BLANCA: Yeah.

Come on, guys.
We all need to approve this.

ARIEL:
Mm, can we try again?

Maybe if you...
Can you come out a bit more?

-So it's not so cropped.
-Not so... Yeah.

KIM: Yeah, is there any
way to save this,

do another, and have
'em side by side?

ARIEL: Can you just
AirDrop it to us really quickly?

CHRIS: You risk losin' it.

I think you could do better.

-Shoulders back. Yeah.
-BLANCA: Ready?

-KIM: Mm-hmm.
-Four seconds.

-One, two, three, four.
-[SHUTTER SNAPS]

ARIEL: Moment of truth.

KIM: Oh, my God.

-ARIEL: Wow.
-KIM: We're snatched.

-We're snatched. Looks really...
-Good, this one's good.

It looks exactly the same
as the other one. [LAUGHS]

CHRIS: She nailed it.

We work with many
photographers along the time, Blanca,

-and you, you got the sh*t.
-[BLANCA CHUCKLES]

I wouldn't say we
normally get it.

-In two sh*ts?
-In... Yeah.

We trusted our instincts.

First is the worst,
second is the best.

That's why I'm the second child.

-Thanks, guys.
-ARIEL: We love you.

Couldn't have done
that without you.

ARIEL: Bye.

Oh, my God, hello.

KHLOÉ: Okay. What is
happening here?

We're doing, like, Lemme setups.

-You look gorgeous.
-[KHLOÉ CHUCKLES]

-Darling.
-No, you crushed.

Has our girl spoken to Kim yet?

No, and that's sorta
why I'm here.

I w... feel like... Well,
I mean, think...

-Is that her behind me?
-No. Oh no, it is.

-KHLOÉ: Oh my God.
-Hi.

-Hi, guys.
-SIMON: Hi!

-Hi!
-Hi. Oh.

-Oh.
-Oh, just one.

-KHLOÉ: Yeah. Oh.
-SIMON: Hi.

We're in the U.S.

-Oh, we are.
-Wait, so you weren't going to, uh,

Baby 2 Baby, Bye Bye Baby,

-or Baby 2 Baby?
-I do the same thing.

-ALL: Baby 2 Baby.
-Oh, you are going?

-You found something to wear?
-No. So, I'm potentially going.

-As of now, I don't have an outfit.
-Okay.

I'm actually coincidentally
going

and sitting at the
Dolce table. [CHUCKLES]

KHLOÉ: Oh.

-Oh.
-Speaking of Dolce. [CHUCKLES]

-Speaking of...
-[SIMON AND KHLOÉ CHUCKLE]

Whatever's going
on with Kourtney and Kim,

the tension is brewing
and brewing.

And the more time that goes by,
the thicker the tension gets.

Like, let's just move on,

we're making this so much bigger
than it needs to be.

Just tell her.
Like, have the talk.

No, but for real,
when are you, like...

You have to just talk
to Kim already

just to, like,
move these things along in life.

Yeah.

No, I think about it

'cause I feel like
I can move on and be like,

"No one can k*ll your vibe,"

you know, like,
"You're gonna have a good day."

I, I believe you can
in that way...

-Yeah.
-But I don't think you can

coexist with her,
and I don't think it's healthy for you,

but also, your guys'
relationship is wild.

SIMON: I also think Kim's ready
for the conversation.

-Yeah.
-I feel like on the call that we had,

she was actually saying
things like,

-like... If the sh...
-Like if the shoe was on the other foot.

Yeah. She would be...

-KHLOÉ: She understands.
-KOURTNEY: If she felt bad,

don't you think
she would reach out and say,

"Hey, I was thinking about it,
and I really feel..."

Blah blah blah.
Like, I don't think that she feels...

To my understanding,
she's tried to talk to you,

but you haven't been
ready to talk.

Zero percent false.

-KHLOÉ AND KOURTNEY: Zero percent.
-SIMON: And she's reached out to you

-to, like, apologize.
-I mean, 100% false.

-Yeah.
-KHLOÉ: I'm still confused.

KOURTNEY AND SIMON:
Zero percent true.

It comes from an old
thing of us, like,

-being 18 months apart.
-Since... the day she's been born,

-I feel like this has been brewing.
-And just having, like, a more

competitive, like,
nature as sisters.

And then, I think
the one time I've even slightly

done anything that was
similar to her, which was, like,

hang some Christmas lights
in my entry

-that were, like, similar...
-Oh.

...which I didn't
even see hers at the time.

Christmas Light Gate.
Like, didn't even know.

-Didn't even know and it was such a thing.
-KHLOÉ: It was...

-But it was like...
-An actual thing?

-KHLOÉ: A huge thing.
-I feel like I go to, like, big extents

to, like, have my own thing.

But there's no, like,
sense of loyalty,

or, like... feeling of, like,
"Oh, how would I feel?"

It's almost like
a greediness to, like, how...

what can we do,
and how many things,

and everything moves so fast.

And I feel like we have it all,

we have everything that we...
more than we could want or need.

If I look at the photos
from the fashion show,

like, half the time I'm like,
"Is this my wedding?"

-Like...
-But why can't you say that to her?

Because I'm also, like,
it's who she is to her core.

This is definitely
not about a brand,

it was about my wedding.

I didn't feel truly supported.

I think it's just that
it's like a free-for-all.

It's like no, like, boundaries,

and it felt like there's
no decency to, like,

ask me how I felt about

her doing this so closely
to my wedding.

It's also, like,
no one j-just, like,

gives a [BLEEP] about anything.
It's like the Wild West.

Like, we're just gonna take
and do as we want,

whatever's best for us.

Well, so what are
you gonna do, not talk to her forever?

-That's an option. [CHUCKLES]
-SIMON: Yeah. [CHUCKLES]

Let's just go with
our options here.

Have the talk soon,

have it in six months
when you implode.

-SIMON: Yeah. It's gonna be an imploding.
-Or what?

-I don't know. I don't...
-But the amount of energy

you're giving to him and I,

why don't you just give to her
and let this be done?

'Cause she's so intolerable
to even have a conversation with,

that she's, like,
on her phone the whole time,

can hardly look up,

-really hard to engage with.
-What if we put the phones

-down for the talk?
-KOURTNEY: Yeah.

It just makes me wanna,
like, run...

-KHLOÉ: Mmm.
-...the other way.

Oh, no.

KOURTNEY: I just thought,
what else could you take from me?

Can I have anything that's mine?

Our family is so interconnected,
and we always have been.

All of our businesses
were all together.

But I think, like, for my survival,
I need my own identity,

and I need just my own life.

I really love having
some separation,

and having my own friends,
and having my own,

you know, family.

Hey, look, I never knew
there was a problem

until I spoke to you,

-and you were crying, and...
-KOURTNEY: Mm-hmm.

like, that's the first time
I knew there was an issue,

-and I was like, "Oh my God."
-SIMON: Was this Milan weekend?

-This was in Milan.
-Yeah.

And she called just to say hi
to me,

and check on me,
and then just...

-Me?
-KHLOÉ: Mm-hmm. And then just

-started hysterically crying rightfully so
-Yeah.

-But I had not a clue there was an issue.
-SIMON: Right.

I think one reason we have,
as a family,

been able to not be complete

diva psychopaths

is because we have
each other to, like, check each other.

-SIMON: Yeah.
-KHLOÉ: Correct.

SIMON: But it sounds like, yeah,
the conversation needs to happen.

And she wants that...
Kim, obviously, wants...

She doesn't want the tension.

And she was, on that
phone call...

-KHLOÉ: Kim...
-...very apologetic. She was ready...

wants to make it
right with you.

She's very...
She's very up and down,

-depending on her mood.
-She wants to make it right with you.

I'll make sure she's
in a good mood.

-I've already talked to her.
-Well, no, it's not even a good mood,

-it's the right mindset.
-No, I've already talked to her.

You know how,
sometimes, she's in a mindset

where you're like,
"You're my enemy?"

I think you need to do
a very tight structure with notes...

-KOURTNEY: Narrow, yeah.
-...and to not go off the notes.

I think I'm gonna
make a whiteboard.

SIMON: I think you actually...
They can walk into a whiteboard.

-KHLOÉ: I think you should.
-A big one. I think you just...

What if I just wrote,
"Stay Away,"

-and then just...
-SIMON: Stay away.

that's the end of the meeting?
[CHUCKLES]

-TRACY: Hi!
-KHLOÉ: Hi!

-TRACY: Hello.
-KHLOÉ: You look so pretty, Trace.

TRACY: Thank you.
What's the latest and greatest?

Oh my God, all the
birthday drama,

-as you know.
-TRACY: Oh, wait.

Okay, so how are we
gonna surprise her?

So, what's the plan for Friday?

Should we tell her Friday,

get all... the whole group
chat together, tell her in person?

Me, Tracy, and Steph
are planning

this whole Vegas surprise
for Kimberly.

We sorta just wanna scoop her up,
get her on a plane,

go to Vegas for the night,

see Usher in concert,
and come back home.

It's turned into such
a thing, I know,

and I know you guys
are so over it.

TRACY: I'm so over it, honestly.

-Should we not go?
-TRACY: No, we're going.

-Yeah, we're still going, right?
-TRACY: We're going.

We're gonna have so much fun.

And you know what?
She's gonna have fun.

-She needs it.
-I think so.

I call Kim, "Hey, like,
what do you wanna do for your birthday?"

And she's like,
"I guess we could have a dinner."

Kim sends me

the longest list of people
that she wants invited,

and she just starts texting them,
and telling them they're coming.

I'm like... [EXHALES] "What?" Like,
this wasn't supposed to be a r...

I didn't have a real
dinner planned.

We were just doing some,
like, casual dinner

because we knew
what was coming the next day.

Out of the blue,
I now have to plan

a real sit-down proper dinner.

This has turned into
a crazy shitshow.

-TRACY: Wait, should we call Steph?
-Yeah.

TRACY: We should game plan with her
and see what she wants to do.

I feel like everyone else
is excited 'cause they're not involved

-in the planning.
-Right.

-STEPH: [ON PHONE] Hi.
-TRACY AND KHLOÉ: Hi.

TRACY: Okay, so how are we
gonna tell her?

So, are we just gonna
pull her aside and say,

"Kim... no questions asked,

but we have a surprise
planned for you tomorrow."

-KHLOÉ: Shut the [BLEEP] up.
-TRACY: Like, don't ask us any questions.

-Get your glam done, and be ready by...
-Get your glam done.

five or whatever time we pick.

And then we're gonna
come pick you up.

Yeah, perfect.

And we're dressed
for our night.

-We're dressed for the night.
-Yeah.

'Cause we go from the
plane to dinner,

-dinner to the concert.
-To the concert.

And then after that,
we're coming right back.

-KHLOÉ: Love.
-Perfect.

Okay. Wait, guys, should
I have Usher...

Oh, my God.

...pull her up on stage
or will she die?

KHLOÉ: She'll k*ll you.

TRACY: All right, so...

I do not wanna go up,
not my thing.

That would be cute, Khloé,
you could go.

-Uh. Steph, you [BLEEP] go.
-That would be cute. I love that.

-STEPH: I could go.
-TRACY: Exactly.

KHLOÉ: How could I [BLEEP] go?

I don't want all those photos

-of me up there makin' weird faces.
-WOMAN: True.

Like, get the [BLEEP]
outta here, all you people.

I'm actually not going
to Vegas anymore.

All right, guys.

Hello?

Huh.

Anybody know where Kim is?

-Hi.
-Hi.

You're nice and dressed up.

KRIS:
Kim is gonna be 42,

but what I think
about today is when I was 42,

and where was I when I was 42,

and, honestly,
that seems like yesterday.

You're gonna be 42.

When I was 42, I just had a baby at 41.

-That's crazy.
-Isn't that crazy?

-Yeah.
-Mm-hmm.

I think I'm done.

You have four kids...
Probably.

-It's a lot.
-I mean, I had six,

but I was a stay-at-home-mom...

-Yeah.
-and took that job really seriously.

-Like, I was so proud of you guys.
-Yeah.

I still am today. I mean,
I'm... couldn't be more proud.

I think we're so lucky.

When I was growing up,
and even in the '80s

when you guys were born
and little kids,

nobody really had a family,
that I knew,

that all lived together...

-Yeah.
-in the same neighborhood.

And I think that's what

we're so blessed with is the ability
to communicate with each other,

the ability to love
each other as hard as we do...

-Yeah.
-and that's what makes it so special.

But at the same time,

we've built this
amazing life for ourselves,

and, sometimes, I feel like
it can be... a curse.

Sometimes, I feel like

I've helped build something that
can also be a burden.

-The haters.
-Yeah.

They're so brutal sometimes,

and I feel like...
I feel bad that I've brought this

element, you know, to our lives,

and it's hard, it's a struggle.

-You know?
-You shouldn't feel that way.

It weighs heavy on
my heart a lot.

Now, sometimes,
I just feel guilty about...

the other side of the coin,

that we've created this life,
not only a big responsibility,

but it's also...
can be very negative.

-Mm-hmm, it can be really negative.
-Mm-hmm.

I think that this life
that we live,

as beautiful as it is,
we get blamed for everything.

-Mm-hmm.
-Everything's our fault.

Khloé's responsible
for Tristan cheating,

and having a ba... or being...
You know, and it's like, "Wait, what?"

-Or if he lost a basketball game.
-Yeah.

And I feel so bad for you guys

that you have to bear
that on certain days

like... we sometimes experience,
you know?

Yeah.

I get where my mom
is coming from because this past year

really has been wild
for our family.

But all of this is a
part of our journey.

God makes no mistakes.

All of this is happening for us

for the lessons that we have
to learn here on this planet.

KRIS: Do you remember...

This is gonna make me cry,

but do you remember
when you were robbed in Paris,

and you were tied up
and thrown into a bathtub,

and that... the trauma of that,
and I remember you said,

"Thank God it happened to me...

-Yeah.
-"because if it happened to anybody else,

they wouldn't have been
able to survive."

Totally.

And it wouldn't have
happened the same way.

But you, you know, kind of,

handle every situation
like that.

Like, when it was done,
I was just like...

-Yeah.
-"Thank God this was me

-"and not one of my sisters...
-Yeah.

because... it would, like,

[BLEEP] them up for life."

For life.

When my kids are in
pain, I'm in pain.

When my kids hurt, I hurt.

And I never know
what I'm gonna wake up to.

It could be the greatest
day in the world

and just feeling
so blessed to be alive,

or it could be a little dark,

and there could be things
going on that we can't control.

I don't know anyone
who could've handled what you...

I'm so proud of you...

-Thank you.
-every single day...

-Thank you.
-for the way that you live your life.

I wish that everybody knew how

-beautiful and delicious your heart was.
-But you can't... Thank you.

And they would never
say one thing about you.

But you live in this guilt thinking like,
"I wish I didn't,"

you know, "help all
my kids get famous."

You just can't live like that.

This is also our journeys,
and we wanted this,

and you just helped us
fulfill our dreams,

and, like, what our
potential was.

-Yeah.
-You know?

Life is about hardships
and how you get through them.

-Yeah.
-And we know how to get through them.

-Yeah, we do.
-It's the one thing we do.

I think, like...

the Kardashians, like,

we don't stoop...
to anyone's level,

and we get through things,
and we get through them together.

Thank God we have each other.

Thank God we have that
support system.

-Yeah.
-That is what I base a lot of my sanity on

-Absolutely.
-It's our saving grace

that we get to live life
with one another.

-It's our sanity.
-Yeah, that's a gift.

-And I hope you appreciate that gift.
-Yeah.

No, I do... I do.

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

Oh my God, she's
gonna love it.

I love it.

I am hosting Kimberly's
birthday dinner

at her offices

because I really didn't know I was
hosting a dinner until, like, Tuesday,

and it's Friday, so voila.

But how gorgeous is it?

-Hi! Hi!
-KHLOÉ: Hi, Mom.

KRIS: This is stunning.

Khloé put so much love
and passion into this,

and making it really
special for Kim

because Kim's usually the one

who's making everything
so special for us.

Where's the birthday girl?
Is she not here?

-PERSON: Nope, we b*at her.
-You look so good, Kourt.

She texts me at 7:55,
"Is this an on-time kind of thing?"

Today is Kim's birthday and no matter
what's going on between us,

you know, we always
show up for each other.

Of course, I'm going
to celebrate my sister.

-KYLIE: Hi! You look stunning!
-Hi.

-Are you kidding me?
-Oh, hold on. [CHUCKLES]

-Yes.
-No, you look amazing.

Oh my God, bitch.

This is, literally, your color.

You look amazing! I'm serious.

-Seriously, you really do.
-Oh! Thank you.

COREY: Happy birthday, beautiful.

Ahh! The birthday girl!

KIM:
Oh my God, it's so beautiful.

Khloé created such
a nice vibe at my office.

It's such a fun time
with everyone that I love.

It's just so intimate and beautiful.

-You look so pretty.
-Hi, you look so pretty.

Happy birthday, bitch.

-Thank you.
-You're an hour late to your own party?

Everyone, sit down!

-[CLINKING GLASS]
-Let's sit down for dinner!

The birthday girl's
here an hour late.

Let's sit down.

From a basketball game,
I had to!

Well, Tracy was
at the same game and she's here.

Yes.

Okay.

Well, I have you guys,
so why do I need to invite anyone?

It's not just us.

Okay.

I love everything, yes.

Surprise me. Kind of.

Yeah.

I'm surrendering this year,
though.

Surprise me.

I can't control everything.

You can.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

I mean...

Yes, I do.
I know the whole thing.

-PRODUCER: Wait, at the party?
-Absolutely.

Abso-[BLEEP]-lutely.

I knew everything

because everyone has
a big [BLEEP] mouth.

Benny Medina called me,
"Have fun in Vegas,"

and he goes, "Oops,
am I not supposed to tell you that?"

Shelli Azoff called
me on my birthday, and was like,

"I'm so sorry I can't
come to Vegas."

And then she goes,
"sh*t, did I just ruin this for you?"

I knew the whole time.

But I'm a nice person,
and I want people to feel like

their surprises are supr...
I'm a good actress.

[CLICKS TONGUE]

Call me, Hollywood.

And you need to wear
your thottiest, sexiest...

KHLOÉ: You need to wear
what Danielle has for you.

TRACY: Maybe tomorrow night
if you wanna wear

-the crystal bra and the crystal pants.
-We'll see you tomorrow.

If you wanna wear your crystal outfit,

-tomorrow's the day.
-Okay.

TRACY: Tomorrow's
the night for that out... that look.

Okay.

So, I know Khloé's worked
so hard on this surprise,

so I'm not gonna act like
I know anything.

I don't wanna make 'em feel bad.

Khloé!

KHLOÉ: And we love you,

and eat your [BLEEP] Nobu,
and shut the [BLEEP] up,

and have your lychee
martini, bitch.

[YELLS] Khloé,
I sent you a text, read it!

[YELLS] Okay, Mom!

It's like Game of Thrones!

KRIS [YELLS]: This is wild!

[YELLS] Oh, yes, Mom, go ahead!

KRIS: Okay.

So, Shelli and I...

are gonna give a toast.

So, I just wanna say,
before I have another martini,

as I said today
when I wished you happy birthday,

you are the strongest
woman in the world.

KRIS: You are a rock star,

-and I'm so proud of you.
-Wait, you sent Khloé the same text?

-What?
-You sent Khloé the same text?

[LAUGHING]

-KRIS: You are...
-Let her finish.

-Let her finish.
-Stop it.

We all look up to you.

You're a superpower...

-[KHLOÉ LAUGHING]
-and you are pretty much now,

at this point, the leader
of our family.

You're like the person
we all go to when...

-Huh?
-What?

No, but she's like
a... she's magic.

Hey, I don't have time
to take on those duties.

[GUESTS LAUGHING]

I love you, I am so honored,

but I'm not ready
for you to pass the baton.

You need at least
five more years.

I am in awe of
every single day

the way you handle
every single thing in life.

I mean, if she wants
to be, ya know?

It's not a cult
that I'm following. [CHUCKLES]

KRIS: Everything that
comes your way,

and not only
do you do it for yourself,

but you do it for
the rest of us.

KHLOÉ: Kourtney's on
her best behavior.

Of course, they're not
gonna duke it out here. Like, please.

There's no tension, like...
that anyone else would notice.

Any time my mom would,
like, praise Kim,

which is what you do
on someone's birthday,

you praise the birthday person,

I would just, like, try to stare at Kourt,
but, like, subtly, like,

"Is she okay?
Like, what's happening?"

I just wanna tell you

that thank you for
choosing me to be your mommy.

I say that every night
when I go to bed and I say my prayers.

You are somebody that...

You handle all of us.
You handle your kids.

I tell you this, I say to you,

I don't think I could've
done what you do.

And I don't know what
more I can say.

-But I... You know, we all...
-KHLOÉ: Mom, this speech is so amazing.

-I love you.
-KRIS: Shut up! I'm almost done.

-Where's the hook? Bring...
-KRIS: I don't need a hook.

-Get her.
-You have had the [BLEEP] year from hell,

and I'm proud of you.

[APPLAUSE, CHEERING]

-KRIS: That's what I wanna say!
-That's the best way to put it.

Happy birthday to Kimberly.

-Cheers, everyone!
-I love you guys.

KHLOÉ: Cheers!

GUESTS: [SINGING]
Happy birthday to you

Happy birthday to you

Happy birthday,
dear Kimberly

Happy birthday to you

[APPLAUSE, CHEERING]

KHLOÉ:
You better blow, bitch! Blow!

[APPLAUSE, CHEERING]

You guys, I feel like
this is my year.

[THIS IS GONNA BE GOOD
BY BECCA LYNN PLAYING]

A little bit out of line

Catch it on the rewind

This is gonna be good,
it's gonna be fine

-It's gonna be all right
-All right

A little bit out of line

Catch it on the rewind

This is gonna be good

Today is the big surprise.

So, the plan is Kimberly
knows we're going somewhere,

and we're, essentially,
gonna kidnap her,

-we're putting her in a party van...
-Woo!

with no windows that
can see outside.

I really don't know anything.

-STEPH: You have no idea what we're doing?
-KIM: No.

I, literally, thought I was gonna be
spending my birthday in bed with the kids.

I was like so chill.

Today is my surprise
birthday party.

I'm playing along
because Khloé is the best,

and, like, I know she's
worked so hard on this,

and I, like, don't wanna
break her heart.

Shh. Okay, they're
coming out now.

-Okay... okay.
-Okay, what's happening...

And I don't know where
we're going, so.

I know we're going to Vegas,
but I don't know why.

I'm gonna, like, just hold on
to that element of surprise.

-ALL: Girls night!
-[CHEERING]

-Get in the car!
-Hello, birthday girl!

I was born ready

Straight up and steady

No.

I was born ready

I was born ready for anything,
I am, I was born ready

-Where are we, guys?
-You shall see.

Just a little low-key girls night.

Okay, ready?

-Okay.
-Okay.

Open.

-Go.
-Oh my God.

[GUESTS CHEERING]

Where are we going?

Like, we have showgirls,
we're going on a plane,

obviously, it's nighttime already,
so it can't be a location that's far.

We're not going to, like,
Bermuda or something.

She has no bags packed.

TRACY: Wait, can you guess
where we're going?

-KIM: I have no idea.
-How do you not know where we're go...

Hello? Crystals, sparkly...

Vegas.

-Vegas! Vegas!
-[CHEERING]

-[LAUGHS] That was funny.
-What are we doing in Vegas?

-Vegas, baby.
-KHLOÉ: Go to the plane.

We're playing Usher music
on the airplane.

Come on, Kim.

Help me help you.

You really don't know
where we're going yet?

-KIM: We're going to an Usher concert!
-[CHEERING]

My God, we're going
to a [BLEEP] Usher concert.

I figured it out!

Oh my God, Usher in Vegas.
Like, I heard the show's amazing.

KHLOÉ: We're on our way
to party, Kimberly!

[CHEERING]

Now, I'm so excited
to be going to Vegas

for my birthday
with all my friends, like,

we're just... a concert
changes everything.

[CHEERING]

KIM: Oh my gosh. Okay, okay.

-It's about that time.
-KHLOÉ: Jell-O sh*t time.

-GUEST 1: Woo!
-GUEST 2: Cheers!

GUESTS: Cheers!

I'm such an Usher fan.

Who isn't an Usher fan, right?
Like, he's the best.

Ahh.

It's known there's
gonna be turbulence.

This is not a shock.

OLIVIA:
Vegas is always bumpy.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

KHLOÉ: It's just a little
windy, so nobody...

-STEPH: I can wait too.
-KIM: Yeah.

FLIGHT ATTENDANT:
Seatbelts on, ladies.

KRIS: Well, I used to be
a flight attendant,

so I'm really good at being calm
on a plane when there's turbulence.

Everything's okay.

But, you know, it seems
a little extreme tonight.

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]

KHLOÉ: I'm getting a little nervous.

I don't love turbulence.

This isn't the way
the party's supposed to start.

KRIS: Very scary.

[TENSE MUSIC PLAYING]

This is some scary sh*t.

KIM: They just said
it was too windy,

so we're gonna
try one more time,

and if not, we have to go home.

-KHLOÉ: Are you serious?
-KIM: Yes.

KHLOÉ: Okay. [CHUCKLES]

We go down and then
we pull back up.

KRIS: Are we landing?

Twice. And that scared me.

The first time,
I'm like, "Oh, you're joking."

And once I realized
it's not a joke,

we actually can't land,

I was like, "Okay, I'm not,
I'm not messing with my life.

Like... let's go home."

But it sucks.

PILOT: [OVER SPEAKER]
All right, ladies and gentlemen,

the ATC will not let
us land in McCarran,

so, unfortunately,
our only option is to go back out.

But, for now, if everybody
can just please stay seated

in case we, uh,
encounter any more turbulence,

we should back, uh,
to Camarillo shortly.

We feel so terrible
for everyone that has moved mountains

to make this experience
so wonderful

for Kimberly on her birthday.

You make plans and God laughs.

KRIS:
Well, here we are, back home.

KHLOÉ:
I can't wait to go home.

GUEST: I just got really excited
about home.

KHLOÉ:
Thank you guys so much.

KHLOÉ: No, thank you for
making us safe.

Well, now, thank God
we had a dinner last night.

Although this was
supposed to be yesterday,

and there was no wind yesterday.

KRIS:
So, Kim, what do you wanna do?

TRACY: We're dressed up,
like, let's do something.

KRIS:
I have some money, you guys.

KHLOÉ: Oh, thank God.

KRIS: I know,
I actually have cash.

Oh sh*t, there's
a lotta people in here, guys.

-KHLOÉ: Stop.
-[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

-MALIKA: Let's just do it.
-TRACY: Just do it.

MALIKA: You guys, this is going
to be our event for the evening.

Let's do it.

KHLOÉ: We all know how
much I love people.

-Ya can.
-KIM: I can't.

-Oh yeah, boa.
-There's more.

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

KRIS: My God.

Hi, guys.

Are we gonna order back here?

-KHLOÉ: Totally normal.
-Totally.

We always try to make
the best out of a bad situation,

no matter what happens.

What else is a girl to do
except go to In-N-Out?

-MALIKA: Kris.
-KHLOÉ: Mom. No, it's not a fan.

-It's Malika yelling at you.
-It's me. I promise.

Oh. No, no, I was just, um...

-KHLOÉ: Mom. Just get in the photo.
-KRIS: Okay!

We have sequins, feathers,
burgers.

It's gonna be a party
no matter where we are.

That's what I'm
talkin' about

KHLOÉ: Mom, it's... I don't know

how the [BLEEP] you've
never been to a fast-food restaurant.

We don't need hundreds
of dollars.

TRACY: Oh my God. [LAUGHS]

My mom gave me $100.

Yep. I don't think she...
She tried to give me 300.

I don't think she realized
how much...

fast-food restaurants are.

But...

That's what I'm
talkin' about

This is my vegan cheat meal.

I'll have a plain cheeseburger
with light onions.

Cheese fries. Did you
get cheese fries?

O-M-G.

-[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
-KHLOÉ: Am I getting them?

-Three of those. I ordered for you.
-OLIVIA: Yes.

-KHLOÉ: Okay.
-I have a cheeseburger, no spread

with ketchup, mustard,
pickle, extra well-done,

a cheeseburger with
grilled onions,

a cheeseburger with
grilled onions, extra well-done,

a cheeseburger, no lettuce,
no tomato, with raw onions,

a double-double with, uh, onion,
a double-double, no onion,

four fries, two cheese fries,

six soft drinks,
a chocolate shake.

-That sounds right, right?
-KHLOÉ: Sounds perfect.

All right. $59.20, please.

-MALIKA: Thanks, Mom.
-TRACY: Thank you, Kris.

You got it, guys.

All right, kids,
back in the car. Bye, guys.

-MALIKA: Everyone just left.
-Um...

Bye, guys... Have a good night.

IN-N-OUT EMPLOYEE:
Fifty-four, please! Guest 54!

[KHLOÉ SCOFFS]

What did everybody order?

Are we supposed to
get their drinks?

-[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
-MALIKA: Honey, this is my life. I'm okay.

GUEST:
I spoiled the l... the surprises.

Happy birthday, Kim. [CHUCKLES]

-KHLOÉ: Woo!
-KRIS: Happy birthday, Kim.

MALIKA: Happy birthday.

M'kay, I'm gonna make
o-one last toast.

-STEPH: Toast it up.
-Okay, guys.

And this is my toast.

Kim's grandmother,

my mother-in-law... used to say,

"Show me who your friends are
and I'll show you who you are."

-Aw.
-And I think that you have

the greatest friends, Kim,
and you're so lucky,

and they've done this
beautiful evening for you

that didn't turn out exactly
the way that you guys wanted.

I've been a little down lately,

just thinking about some
of the negativity

that comes along
with what we do.

-But here we are having the best meal...
-But we tried.

the best time,
under the craziest circumstances.

But it's times like this
that I feel really blessed

to have such an amazing family,
such amazing friends,

and being here
watching my kids have so much fun

makes me really happy.

And you guys are all the best,

and thanks for being
so great to my Kim.

-Love you.
-[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

-Cheers.
-GUESTS: Cheers.

Kimberly, burgs, and fries!

KIM:
Next on The Kardashians...

-DOCTOR: How you feeling?
-I feel good. Why?

Should I not be feeling good?

I'm getting Kris'd.

I'm throwing my mom her
birthday dinner.

Everyone is dressing
up like her.

Oh my God, what is happening?!

-PERSON: Croquembouche.
-Ohh!

A croquembouche.

Croquembouche.

A croquembouche.

[LAUGHING]

-You okay?
-[CRYING] Not okay.

It's so different than
the person that I married.

I just can't.

That's who I loved
and that's who I remember.

[CRIES INDISTINCTLY]

[CRIES] I'll do anything to get
that person back.

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

Baby, and we'll
never stop

Woo-ooh, ooh,
woo-ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh

And rebels don't
keep score

Woo-ooh, ooh,
woo-ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh

This is what we live for

Woo-ooh, ooh,
woo-ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh

Whoa, oh-oh-oh, oh-oh

Whoa, oh-oh-oh, oh-oh

Whoa, oh-oh-oh, oh-oh

Whoa, oh-oh-oh, oh-oh

-Whoa, oh-oh-oh, oh-oh
-Rebels don't keep score

Whoa, oh-oh-oh,
oh-oh, oh-oh

This is what we live for

Oh, no.

Why would she do that then?

[SUSPICIOUS MUSIC PLAYING]

[RINGBACK TONE]

I have a bone to
pick with you.

I have a bone to
pick with you.

So, you knew about
the surprise for your birthday?

[LAUGHING]

Stop deflecting.

[KIM SCREAMS]

You are a great actress.

Meryl Streep over here.

-Okay... love you, bye.
-[KIM CHEERS]

[CALL ENDS]

[BLEEP] liar.

What a [BLEEP] bitch.