03x08 - Speaking Terms/Tooth and Nail

[bunniefuu]

(Buzzing )

(Rattling )

♪ Rocko's modern life

Rocko's modern life.

♪ Rocko's modern life

Rocko's modern life.

(Whistling and buzzing )

(Splat! )

(Screaming )

♪ Rocko's modern life.

Rocko's modern life.



That was a hoot!

(Cheering and applause )

Announcer: live from o-town

Let's get nosey!

With our host who never minds her own business

Nosey.

Hello...

Audience: hello.

Well, I finally lost all that weight.

Here's me last week.

Boy, was I bloated.

And now, look at me.

A perfect size .

Audience: ooh!

Let's move on to today's topic.

People who hate their best friends

And the best friends who don't like them very much either.

Meet today's guests--

Heffer and rocko.

Rocko and heffer were once the best of friends.

Yet they haven't spoken

In almost three days.

Crowd: wow. Ooh.

We'll find out what makes these best friends tick and explode.

Boys, you've been friends for a long time.

Practically your whole lives.

Something's happened, hasn't it?

Something terrible.

Today, we're going to hear the whole story

Thanks to someone who called us

And enabled us to bring you together today.

Now let's ask some questions.

(Cheering )

Rocko!

Please tell us your side

Of this sad story of betrayal.

Can I go next?

Shh.

Um, well, actually...

Oof.

The problem all started on my birthday.

I'm sitting there and there's a knock at the door.

(Loud knocking )

(Laughing nervously )

Come in.

Heffer, my best friend in the whole world.

How are you, chum?

(Blabbering )

Oh, dearest heffer, you're hungry, aren't you?

Oh, many's the night I've wept for you

Feeling the pain of your hunger.

Please, I beg you, let me heal your wounds.

Take your fill from my fridge.

Please, you know where it is.

You know, heffer, today is a very special day.

Yeah?

What's so special about it?

Why, it's the glorious day I was born.

And I suppose pouch-boy wants a gift, right?

Oh, no, no.

My gift is just being with you.

Unless you already went to the trouble.

Here, I forgot to wrap it.

Oh, heffer, it's lovely.

Eh, what is it?

What is it?

What is it?

Why, you ungrateful, speech-slurring lizard-dog!

I know, it's a fire engine, right?

Um, a crab cake?

(Jackhammer rattling )

And that's exactly what happened.

That's... (Sniffs )

...quite a story.

That's not what happened.

Heffer, do you have something to say?

Yes, nosey, I do.

But first, can I say hi to my mom?

Hi, mom.

Hello, honey.

Uh, heffer, would you share with us now

Your side of the story.

I'd be happy to, nosey.

If your other guest will allow some truth on the show today.

Truth?

Why, you big...

Rocko, please, let's let heffer tell his...

(Whispering ): side of the story.

Thank you, nosey.

It all started three days ago.

(Singing to himself )

It was a beautiful saturday

And I was looking forward

To a visit with my good friend, rocko.

But as soon as he opened the door...

Good morning, friend rocko.

Yeah, what happened?

I knew he was in one of his moods.

(Yapping )

Shut up.

It's nice to see you.

Why don't you just come in and eat all my food, then?

I have only come to pay a friendly visit.

Don't start with me, sassafras.

Rocko...

You're so big and dumb and stupid

You probably forgot what day this is.

Oh, rocko, of course I haven't.

May I use your restroom a moment?

Of course, I knew it was rocko's birthday.

And I was relieved that I hadn't purchased

Any sort of cheap, store-bought token to give him.

Rocko deserved something special.

Suddenly, I was struck with divine inspiration.

I set to work at once.

Ta-da!

Happy birthday.

That's it?!

That's my present?!

I made it just for you.

(Teeth chattering )

And then, he went crazy.

His eyes bugged out and his veins popped

And he made all these weird supernatural noises

Completely breaking reality.

That tears it.

Take your big fat butt and your green hair

Out of my life forever!

Green hair?

Why, you creepy, little pouched rodent.

I ought to take you...

(Both yelling )

And you, first...

No, it's your fault, you do everything wrong.

(Both yelling )

We'll be right back.

You've got a bad attitude, buster.

You're such a big blob...

Shut up!

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Save some for the cameras.

You guys are doing terrific.

Keep it interesting and we got the show all week.

$ A day.

Do you have any idea how much money that is?

I love daytime television.

Director: quiet on the set.

And five, four, three...

All right.

We're back with rocko and heffer

One-time best friends who now hate each other.

Let's go to our studio audience.

Well, nosey, first I'd like to say

That this is the most riveting and poignant show

You've ever done.

Yes. Yes, it is, isn't it?

Audience?

(Snoring, yawning, farting )

Yes, sir, you have a question?

Both: I don't see the problem here.

Steers and wallabies shouldn't be mixing together anyway.

'Tain't right.

(Snorting laughter )

Oh, my.

Anyone else?

Excuse me, nosey?

A question?

I have something to say.

Mom...

You two should be ashamed of yourselves.

One argument and you throw tantrums

Like a couple of spoiled children.

You're more important to each other

Than anyone in the world.

Mom, you're embarrassing me.

Why don't you quit wasting time and run along and play?

(Clapping )

We'll be right back after this.

Rocko? Heffer?

I... I don't want to stop being your best friend.

Me neither, heff.

I'm sorry I forgot your birthday.

I'm...

I'm sorry I overreacted.

Both: you're my best friend in the whole world.

You two better spice things up.

Look at 'em!

You're k*lling my show.

Um, excuse me...

Miss?

We're here with rocko and heffer

Ex-best friends.

Today we are witnessing first-hand

The end of a friendship.

Rocko?

Heffer?

Is there anything else you'd like to say

Before we're out of time?

Both: we want to be friends again.

Ah, phooey.

Whew, this is bad television.

Both: we made up.

See?

(Audience complaining )

Boring.

Just a gosh-darned minute.

Yes, question?

Why don't you tell us

About the space aliens in your basement?

Both: space aliens?

All: space aliens?

That's right.

Space aliens.

Oh, yeah, space aliens.

Millions of 'em.

And a big flying saucer.

Come on, let's go get tacos.

You said it, pal.

Hey, rock, don't forget your gift.

Oh, yeah.

(Eating noisily )

Heff?

Yes?

(Mumbling ): I'm glad we're friends again.

Huh?

(Gulping )

I said, I'm glad we're best friends again.

(Mumbling with mouth full of food )

Sorry?

You're the best friend I ever had.

Here's to never having another fight, ever.

To best friends, forever.

Best friends forever.

Hey, fellows, I'm going to hawaii.

Both: filburt?

See you next week.

Hi, guys.

What's for dinner?

Oh, boy.

(Scratching loudly )

(Sniffing loudly )

(Scratching loudly )

(Sniffing loudly )

(Scratching loudly )

Heffer: this is the place I was telling you guys about.

It's scratch & sniff.

You just scratch the little squares on the menu

And order your food by how it smells.

Man, I wish our waitress would get here.

I'm starving.

(Gasps )

Heff, you just ate

On the way over here.

Have you ever thought that you might have an eating problem?

Hmm...

No.

You have an eating problem, heff.

No, I don't.

Yes, you do.

No, I don't.

Yes, you do.

No, I don't.

You do, too.

No, I don't.

Yes, you do.

No, no, no!

Yes, yes, yes!

Shut up!

Start scratching.

I'll be back for your order.

(Sniffing )

Say, number three smells pretty good.

(Sniffing )

I think number four's in violation of the health code.

Which one you going to have, rocko?

Um... (Chattering )

I, I don't know yet.

My scratcher's not scratching.

(Laughing nervously )

Maybe my card's defective.

Let me see.

Here's the problem.

You chewed your fingernails practically down to the bone.

My fingernails are fine, thank you.

I just got a bad card, that's all.

Huh...

Yeah, rock, like the turtle says...

You've got a real nail-biting problem.

I do not!

Look at you-- you're out of control

With this nail-biting thing.

What?!

Don't deny it, rock.

It's got a hold of you.

You're making excuses for it.

It's changed the way you live.

And now you pretend it doesn't exist?

What, just 'cause I can't scratch and sniff?

You've got a problem.

You need help.

I don't have a problem, all right?

Yes, you do.

No, I don't.

Yes, you do...

Oh, not this again.

Do, do, do, do, do!

Don't, don't, don't, don't, uh... Infinity.

Oh, yeah?

Then...

Pick up this dime.

(Chattering )

Okay.

(Groaning in frustration )

Come on, come on...

(Groaning )

(Muttering angrily )

I do not have a problem!

(Yelling )

(Running, door slams )

Both: he's got a problem.

Rocko: it's those guys with the problems, not me.

I just chew on me fingers a bit.

Big deal.

At least I'm not a big, fat cow.

Or always shoving me head inside me body like filburt.

Those arereal problems.

(Grunting in frustration )

(Yells )

(Panting )

(Chomping )

(Squeaking )

(Groaning in frustration )

I'm pathetic!

I can't even scratch myself

With these chewed-up nubs.

No! Get a hold of yourself.

I will not bite my nails.

(Doorbell rings )

I can't let anybody see my hands.

Hi, rock.

Why are your hands

Inside a monkey and a ham?

What do you mean?

I mean why are your hands

Insidethat monkey andthat ham?

Oh, this... And this?

Nothing.

Rocko... Are you hiding something?

No... Everybody's got something to hide

'Cept for meat and my monkey.

Good-bye!

It's worse than we thought, heffer.

Yeah, what a waste of meat.

(Chattering )

I got to get control of this thing.

"Biscuits... Biting yourself..."

Leon chameleon: thank for choosing chameleons'.

Chuck chameleon: wise choice.

Yes, very wise.

Then why kick me out?

Well, we are an exclusive clinic with exclusive clients...

Who have a large amount of exclusive cash

To spend on exclusive care...

Which excludes you.

However we here at chameleon sure cures

Can provide you with our home version...

For you special out-patient types.

Now please go away.

Rocko: now, let's see.

How about them cures?

It's empty!

(Grumbling angrily )

Stupid chameleons!

All: hello!

Who are you?

And why are you in my living room?

Why, we're the steps

And we're here to help you.

Help me?

With what?

Your problem, of course.

(Chattering )

What problem?

Look, we wouldn't be here if you didn't have a problem.

Now, the first step to your recovery

Is admitting you have a problem.

So admit it.

Really, I'm quite fine, thank you.

Uh... Okay... I confess.

I got a nail-biting problem!

Nail-biting?

All: is that all?

I thought it was something serious.

Six steps are enough for this case.

The rest of us are going to vegas.

Well, time for step two.

Are you step two?

Have a seat!

(Yelling )

Step two...

Squish the fish!

Step three...

Smell the rhino!

(Farts )

Step four...

Shave the weasel.

Hi!

Step five...

(Laughing maniacally )

Step five?

Pick the foot!

Get your big, ugly foot off of my face!

What do any of these steps have to do with my problem, anyway?

Well, nothing really.

We're just having some fun.

But here's someone whocan help...

Meet step six.

(Gasps )

Death? Death from nail-biting?

Well, no, I don't think you coulddie from it...

However! This could be your future

If you don't get your nail habit under control.

Pay attention, dog face.

(Thunderclap )

Heffer: rocko?

Filburt: rocko?

Rocko?

Rocko?

Uh-oh... Look.

(Gasps )

Filburt: he's got to be somewhere close by.

I hope we're not too late.

Both: rocko?

Both: rocko?

(Muffled chomping )

Rocko?

Heff, come quick.

(Chomping )

Oh, rocko...

(Chomping and gibbering )

Now what should we do?

All this toe-chewing is making me hungry.

Let's go get some chili!

Okay.

(Chomping and gibbering )

Rocko?

Wake up, rocko.

Just how long do I let him bite me?

Do what you got to do, heffer.

Rocko?

You all right?

Hey! I'm home!

I'm not in the garbage chewing on a foot!

And I'll never bite my nails again.

And so he never did.

Rocko found serenity.

However, all was not right with the world.

Come on, bones!

Let me see that hard ten... Hotcha!

Dealer: uh-oh, seven! You lose! Ha!

(Yelling )

Busted?

Yeah.

Hey, can you loan me some scratch

So I can get back on the tables?

We're all broke, man.

Bummer.

Hey!

Let's hock shorty.

He's probably worth a couple of bucks.

Man, you got a problem.

No, I don't.

Yes, you do.

No, I don't.

Yes, you do.

No, I don't.

Yes, you do.

No, I don't!