Saltburn (2023)

[bunniefuu]

( ZADOK THE PRIEST ANTHEM PLAYING)

(CIGARETTE LIGHTER LID CLOSES)

I wasn't in love with him.

I know everyone thought I was.

But I wasn't.

I loved him, of course.

It was impossible

not to love Felix.

And that was part

of the problem. (CHUCKLES)

Everyone loved him.

Everyone wanted to

be around him.

It exhausted him.

People just wouldn't

leave him alone.

Especially the girls.

Christ, the girls!

It was embarrassing, really,

how everyone fawned over him.

I think, honestly, that's why

he liked me so much.

I protected him.

I was honest with him.

I understood him.

I loved him.

I loved him.

I loved him.

But was I "in love" with him?

(MUFFLED ROAR)

( ZADOK THE PRIEST ANTHEM

CONTINUES PLAYING)

Zadok the priest

And Nathan

The prophet

Anointed

Solomon King

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

You're really, really

frustrating me.

It's infuriating.

Rejoiced

Rejoiced

And all

the people rejoiced

Rejoiced

Rejoiced

Rejoiced

Rejoiced

Rejoiced

And all

the people rejoiced

Rejoiced

MALE STUDENT: I got it

in India this year.

Rejoiced

God save the King

Long live the King

God save the King

Amen, amen

Hallelujah, hallelujah, amen

Amen, amen

Amen, hallelujah, amen

-Oh, he's got the scarf.

-(GIRL CHUCKLES)

-Hey, cool jacket.

-(STUDENTS LAUGHING)

And the tie.

God save the King

(SIGHS)

(CHEERFUL INDISTINCCHATTERING, LAUGHTER)

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

BOY: Is that seat taken?

Sorry, (CLEARS THROAT)

can I...

(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)

I'm Michael Gavey.

Oliver.

-Oliver what?

-Oliver Quick.

So you're a Norman no-mates

too, then, Oliver Quick?

(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)

Isn't everyone?

-It's only the first night.

-Look around you.

It's just me and you, mate.

And the girl

who's got agoraphobia,

but she's in her room.

Obviously.

-What are you reading?

-Er...

I'm reading Maths.

I'm a genius.

I don't even

like Maths, really.

I can just do it. In my head.

Anything. Ask me a sum.

-No, you're okay.

-Oh, come on.

It's... It's not like

I don't believe you.

-Please. Come on.

-No, I believe...

(SHOUTING)

f*cking ask me a sum, then!

(CHATTERING STOPS)

Er...

423 times 78.

32,994.

(CHATTERING RESUMES)

PROFESSOR: So, how are you

finding Oxford?

Good.

Yeah, good.

-Hmm.

-Thanks.

Did you come

from far from home?

Prescot.

-Yeah, where?

-Er, Prescot.

-Merseyside.

-Ah.

Never been.

(EXHALES) Never been.

Prescot.

So, how did you get on

with the summer reading list?

Er, yeah. Okay, I think.

I read it all.

-What, all of it?

-Mmm-hmm.

Fifty books on there.

Are you mad?

-I thought we're supposed to.

-King James Bible is on there.

(CHUCKLES) Telling me you

spent your whole summer

reading the Bible?

The reading list is optional.

I've not read

half the books on there.

-Sorry.

-(CLEARS THROAT)

Any idea where he's got to?

He's 20 minutes late now.

Right, well, I suppose we'd

better make a start, then.

-(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)

-(DOOR OPENS)

I'm so sorry. Sorry I'm late.

Sorry I'm late.

I'm so sorry. (CHUCKLES)

Got completely lost.

Hi. Nice to meet you.

I'm sorry.

You're Farleigh Start,

I take it?

Nice of you to join us,

finally.

You're not a (CLEARS THROAT)

relation of, er,

Frederica Start,

by any chance?

Er, she's my mother.

No!

I knew her

when I was your age.

When we were both here.

When she was Frederica Catton.

Before she went to America.

No way!

Oh, my God. I'll tell her.

She's gonna be thrilled

that I'm being

tutored by one of her friends.

(CHUCKLES)

Oh, no, not, er, friend.

More, er... admirer.

Yeah, from afar.

Not sure we ever spoke.

No, don't even mention me.

(CHUCKLES)

Shall we start?

OLIVER: "G.K. Chesterton

would have it.

"This outrageous

gallop of lines.

"And thus,

-"the shape of the verse...

-(SIGHS)

"...can be said like

Browning's Last Duchess

"to look as if

it 'were alive'."

-(CLEARS THROAT)

-Okay. Yeah.

Very good. Erm...

Yeah, a lot of food

for thought there. Intriguing.

And thus...

(FARLEIGH CHUCKLES)

OLIVER: Hmm?

Sorry. Er, just "thus".

It's just a funny word.

-Why?

-FARLEIGH: I don't know.

I don't think we really use it

in real life, do we?

It's just, kind of, verbose,

don't you think?

-No. Not really.

-No.

No, you don't.

You used it seven times.

-No, I didn't.

-(CHUCKLES) Yes, you did.

I counted.

(PROFESSOR LAUGHS)

He's got you there,

I'm afraid, Oliver.

So, you're picking apart

the style of my essay

instead of the substance?

That's kind of...

-Kind of what?

-Lazy?

FARLEIGH: It's completely

valid to debate

the rhetoric of an argument.

It's not what you argue

but how.

PROFESSOR: Great point.

OLIVER: Yeah.

Especially if you haven't

actually read the poems.

Look forward

to hearing your essay.

(SOMBRE MUSIC PLAYING)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATION)

MICHAEL: (SOFTLY) Oliver.

Oliver?

I got you a Crunchie.

Oh, thanks.

Did you know

there was a college

Christmas party tonight?

NFI, me and you.

Not f*cking invited.

-I'm sure anyone can go.

-Oh, no.

It's invitation only,

apparently.

You get an invite

in your pigeon hole?

-Haven't checked.

-I have. You didn't.

f*cking losers.

-Like we wanted to go, anyway.

-Yeah.

As if we actually want to talk

to those vapid c**ts.

-(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)

-Nah, we can make our own fun,

-can't we?

-Yeah.

-Are you gonna eat that?

-No, you can have it.

One, two

Santa Claus is coming

Three, four

Filling up my stocking

(FELIX AND FARLEIGH LAUGHING)

Five, six

Everybody's popping

Christmas, Christmas

Everybody, come together

It's a hot, hot

Christmas night

Make the magic

last forever

Have a cheeky

Christmas time

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

OLIVER: You all right?

Erm, yeah,

I've got a flat tyre.

-Oh. That's bad luck.

-Yeah.

I've just been trying

to fix it.

Yeah, of course,

it's when I'm already

ten minutes late

for my tutorial.

f*ck!

OLIVER: Where is it?

Er, it's Iffley Road.

-sh*t.

-Yeah.

I'm already in it

for skiving last week, so...

(SIGHS)

(FELIX SIGHS)

Look, I'm not really

going anywhere.

Just taking these

back to the library.

Take my bike.

No, no, no, I couldn't.

I mean, it looks like rain.

-I wouldn't want to...

-Honestly, it's no big deal.

I mean, I'll just get it

from you later.

-You're in my college, so...

-Am I?

Yep.

f*ck, that's kind.

Are you serious?

Mate, that is so kind.

Thank you.

Are you sure?

I mean, it's a bit of a faff

wheeling it back to college.

You want me

to take yours back?

Oh, no, no, no. I...

I'm sorry, I just thought...

I mean, I can wheel it

back to college.

-It's not that far.

-Oh, thank you.

Thank you. I'm sorry,

I don't know your name.

-I'm... I'm Felix.

-Oliver.

-Oliver. Oliver.

-Yeah.

-(CHUCKLES)

-Oliver, I love you.

-I love... (KISSES)

-Yeah...

I love you. (KISSES)

I love you. I love you.

Seriously.

-Okay.

-Thank you so much, mate.

So kind. You're a f*cking

life-saver, really. Thank you.

All right, I'll just leave

yours in the bike shed, yeah?

-Yeah. Fine.

-All right, cheers, Ollie!

(BELL TOLLING)

Jameson spends the whole time

staring at her tits,

completely ignoring the fact

she can barely

do her times tables.

Times tables, Oliver!

Just f*ck off

and do history of art, love.

-Hmm.

-Oliver. Oliver?

-Yeah.

-Not exactly dazzling company.

Sorry.

(MELLOW ROCK MUSIC PLAYING

ON SPEAKERS)

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

Ooh! Sweet baby Jesus!

I'm going for a slash.

Get me another pint,

please, Oliver?

-Yeah.

-Thanks.

-A pint, mate.

-BARMAN: Yeah.

Oh! There he is.

Ollie! Oliver!

Oliver! Come here, mate!

Yeah, come here.

Come here. What? Come here.

Unreal.

Hiya, mate.

Hi.

This is my f*cking hero

right here.

I was just telling everyone

how you saved

my arse yesterday.

GIRL 1: So cute.

GIRL 2: So cute.

FELIX: Hey, take a seat.

I owe you a drink.

Here, shove up, yeah.

Oh, sorry.

Are you with a friend?

Er, no, they just left.

So, erm, what college

are you in, mate?

-Yours.

-BOY: Oh, right.

And, er,

what are you studying?

ALL: (CHANTING)

sh*ts. sh*ts. sh*ts.

(CHANTING CONTINUES)

(CHANTING QUICKENING)

(ALL CHEERING)

(LAUGHING)

FARLEIGH: Wait, wait, wait,

Jgerbombs.

Jgerbombs! (LAUGHS)

-I...

-It's your round, man.

-BOY: Yeah, go on, mate.

-I should go to bed.

FARLEIGH: Wait, no, no, no.

No, you can't snake your way

out of a round.

-I'm... I'm not.

-It looks like you are.

(ALL BOOING)

BOY: Come on.

(BOOING CONTINUES)

Okay! Okay.

(ALL LAUGHING)

-Farleigh.

-FARLEIGH: What?

-Just cut him a break, mate.

-What?

FELIX: That round's gonna cost

a f*cking fortune.

Pub rules, Felix.

OLIVER: It's my round.

I can't.

I can't. I can't go back

and ask them for money.

BARMAN: Not my problem.

OLIVER: I'm asking...

Could I just pay you tomorrow?

I'm sorry, mate.

You're not even close.

Oh, please, I'll bring you

the money tomorrow.

No.

-Please? I'm...

-BARMAN: f*ck's sake.

Thought you might need a hand

with these ones, mate.

Oh, and you, er,

you dropped this

on the floor by your feet.

I was gonna nick it,

but I thought

I'd do the right thing.

Thank you.

I'll, erm,

pay it back tomorrow.

Don't know what

you're talking about, mate.

(LOUDLY) Thank you, Ollie!

Whoa!

-(ALL CHEERING)

-Thank you, Ollie. Oh, my God.

BOY 2: Cheers, man.

ALL: (CHANTING)

Ollie! Ollie! Ollie!

(SNORING SOFTLY)

(UPLIFTING MUSIC PLAYING)

(GROANS SOFTLY)

(UPLIFTING MUSIC

CONTINUES PLAYING)

FELIX: Yeah, well, you know,

Farleigh basically

grew up with us.

OLIVER: I didn't know

you and Farleigh were cousins.

Mmm. My aunt,

-Farleigh's mum...

-Mmm-hmm.

...ran away to America

when she was 19

to escape

the cold-hearted English.

-Ciggie?

-Er, don't smoke.

FELIX: Dear Auntie Fred

married a lunatic

who pissed everything

she had up the wall

and a fair chunk

of Dad's money too,

until he had to finally

cut her off.

Sounds like

an Evelyn Waugh novel.

You know,

a lot of Waugh's characters

are based on

my family, actually.

Yeah, he was completely

obsessed with our house.

Well, Dad, you know,

he felt so guilty

about the whole thing that

he decided he would pay for

all of Farleigh's education.

(SCOFFS)

Lucky Farleigh.

Oh, fat lot of good

it's done him.

He's been expelled from almost

every school in England

for sucking off the teachers.

(SCOFFS, CHUCKLES)

FELIX: How about you?

OLIVER : Er...

I've not sucked

any teachers off.

Not yet, you haven't.

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

It's DJ f*cking Shadow.

OLIVER: He's f*cking

chronic, mate.

All these

boarding school psychos.

What do they teach you?

Um, Latin.

Water polo.

-And child abuse.

-(BOTH CHUCKLE)

OLIVER: Ah, that's cute.

Baby Felix.

There aren't any pictures

of me as a kid.

Well, I mean, there's not much

really to say.

Oh, come on.

What, are you

in f*cking witness protection

or something?

Jesus Christ, mate.

Well, do you

have any siblings?

What are your parents like?

Siblings, no.

And, er, my parents, I...

What?

...don't see them that much.

-Why?

-Just, er...

they've...

-They've got problems.

-What? What kind of...

-What do you mean, problems?

-Mental health.

And addiction and stuff.

Dad was, kind of,

dealing and stuff.

Dealing?

Sounds awful, really.

-Yeah.

-Was it, was it...

-Was it awful?

-Look, it's...

...it's all tough.

Yeah.

f*ck 'em.

You're a f*cking

inspiration, mate.

Seriously.

OLIVER: Thank you.

FELIX: Very cool.

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING,

LAUGHTER)

Now, can you eenie, meenie

India or Annabel,

and take one f*cking home?

Because they look miserable.

Eenie, meenie, miny, moe.

Catch a tiger by his toe.

If he squeals, let him go.

Er...

You're out, boy scout.

(KISSES, CHUCKLES)

(FELIX CLEARS THROAT)

Well, what the f*ck, mate?

I've been chirpsing her

for about an hour.

I wanted at least a handjob.

I know. We all want

a f*cking handjob, mate.

Get yourself a title

and a massive f*ck off castle.

MICHAEL: Oliver Quick.

You look different.

Do I?

He'll get bored of you.

Excuse me?

MICHAEL: Bootlicker.

FELIX: Can Oliver come?

ANNABEL: Maybe.

FELIX: What?

ANNABEL: I don't know.

He's just a bit awkward.

He's got zero chat.

Like, who would I even

sit him next to?

FELIX: I don't know.

One of your hot friends?

(ANNABEL CHUCKLES)

I'm... I'm sorry, Felix,

but no one wants to sit

next to f*cking Oliver.

Why not?

ANNABEL: 'Cause

he's a scholarship boy

who buys his clothes

from Oxfam.

FELIX: Harsh. That's so harsh.

-You're such a snob.

-ANNABEL: Sorry.

-(SOMBRE MUSIC PLAYING)

-(DOOR SLAMS SHUT)

-(KISSING)

-(ANNABEL MOANS SOFTLY)

(SOMBRE MUSIC CONTINUES)

-So f*cking hot.

-(MUSIC FADES)

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING

OVER SPEAKERS)

I know.

(SNIFFS)

What's that smell?

Erm... I don't know.

(GROANS IN DISGUST)

No.

-No, no, no.

-What? What are you on about?

It's disgusting, Felix.

-Right, I'm cleaning up.

-It's fine.

Only rich people can afford

to be this filthy.

-f*ck off.

-I mean, you've got

f*cking pizza on the floor.

Mate, stop it.

I'll do it later. It's fine.

No, you won't, mate.

No, you f*cking won't.

-You'll never do it.

-Yes, I will.

-No, you won't.

-Ollie, yes, I will.

-I said I'd do it later.

-No, you won't.

Ollie, f*cking stop!

I'm not a f*cking child!

I can do it myself!

I'm just... I'm just...

I'm just hot. It's f*cking

boiling in these rooms.

They'd rather we all

die of heatstroke

than ruin the f*cking

wood f*cking panelling

by putting in

air conditioning.

Stressing about the exams?

(CHUCKLES) I'm not stressed

about the exams, Ol.

(CHUCKLES)

You're driving me f*cking...

I've got some revising to do.

I think I might, er...

I might catch you later, yeah?

-King's Arms later?

-Yeah. Yeah, maybe. Erm...

(CLEARS THROAT)

I'll text you, yeah?

Okay.

Of course.

(FOOTSTEPS RECEDING)

(DOOR OPENS, SHUTS)

(SIGHS)

( THIS MODERN LOVE PLAYING

OVER SPEAKERS)

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

Jump left

What are you

holding out for?

What's always in the way?

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATION)

Why so damn absent-minded?

Why so scared of romance?

This modern love

Breaks me

This modern love

Wastes me

This modern love

Wastes me

-Hey.

-OLIVER: Oh, hey.

I was just seeing

if Felix was in.

We were supposed to meet.

Er...

Yeah, they're all at the pub.

Oh. (CHUCKLES)

Okay.

He didn't say.

Was India there?

Yeah.

-Sorry.

-(CHUCKLES) Oh, God, no.

Whatever.

(SIGHS)

Do you have any alcohol?

Would you like me

to have alcohol?

(SIGHS)

( THIS MODERN LOVE

CONTINUES PLAYING)

(KISSING)

(CHUCKLES) Do you think

he'll be jealous?

Honestly?

I don't think it will even

f*cking register. (CHUCKLES)

(OLIVER MOANS SOFTLY)

(MUSIC FADES)

-(DOOR OPENS)

-(FOOTSTEPS RECEDING)

(DOOR SHUTS)

(MOBILE RINGING, BUZZING)

(GRUNTS SOFTLY)

-(LINE CONNECTS)

-(GRUNTS)

Hi, Mum.

(PEN SCRATCHING)

(KNOCKING AT DOOR)

(OLIVER BREATHING HEAVILY)

Ollie, what's happened?

(SNIFFLES)

-Hey, come here.

-(SOBBING SOFTLY)

How did it happen?

Cracked his head

on the pavement.

Probably drunk, knowing Dad.

-(SOFTLY) f*cking hell.

-Or off his f*cking tits.

Jeez, I'm...

I'm so sorry, Ollie, that's...

It's just a shock.

Is your mum all right?

She was completely

incoherent...

which is pretty

normal for her.

They're gonna

have to let you skip exams.

You're in no state

to do them now.

-I mean, you've gotta go home.

-No.

I can't miss the exams.

Of course you can miss

-the f*cking exams.

-No, I can't.

No.

I'm not like you, Felix.

This is all I have.

-(BELLS TOLLING)

-(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

(UPLIFTING MUSIC PLAYING)

(CROWD CHEERING)

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

(UPLIFTING MUSIC

CONTINUES PLAYING)

(GIRLS LAUGHING)

-Hey, Oliver.

-Hey.

(CHUCKLES)

Oh, nice tux.

Thank you.

Wow. It's a rental, right?

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

Yeah, the sleeves

are too long.

Always check the sleeves.

(CHUCKLES)

But still, not bad.

I mean, you're almost passing.

For what?

I don't know.

A real human boy.

FARLEIGH: Hey.

FELIX: Ollie!

-Hiya, mate.

-Hey.

Come on, then. Follow me.

-OLIVER: Wait, wait, wait.

-(UPLIFTING MUSIC PLAYING)

-Where are we going?

-(FELIX CHUCKLES)

OLIVER: We're gonna

miss the ball, Felix.

What's going on, Felix?

FELIX: Well, I was thinking

about how I...

You... You've had such

a sh*t time lately

and you've been so brave

about everything, I...

-Oh, Felix, come on.

-(SHUSHES)

So in my family,

we have this tradition, right?

When somebody dies,

we write their name on a, er,

on a stone,

and we chuck it in the river.

My great-grandfather

started it

when his son d*ed in the w*r.

I've only done it

for my dog so far, but...

You know,

I don't know, I just...

It helped, a bit.

This feels a bit

f*cking stupid now.

No. It's not stupid.

Thank you.

It's something, right?

-So what do I do?

-I don't know really.

Erm, er, I guess you could say

a few words, or...

I mean, we could just stand

here in silence for a bit.

And then you just...

just chuck it in.

(OLIVER SIGHS)

(STONE CLATTERS)

-Well, that can't be good.

-Oh.

f*ck.

(UPBEAT MUSIC

PLAYING DISTANTLY)

(DISTANT LAUGHTER)

FELIX:

Do you think you'll go home?

OLIVER: Honestly?

I don't think

I'll ever go home again.

FELIX: But what

about your mum?

OLIVER: You know

the first time I felt

the inside of my mum's throat?

I was eight.

My dad told me

I had to stick my fingers in

to make her sick,

otherwise...

she'd die in her sleep.

So "home" doesn't mean

the same for me

as it does for you, Felix.

The f*cking

filth of the place,

the mess, I can't do it.

Just can't.

Well, why don't you

come home with me?

Come to Saltburn.

-No.

-Yeah.

It's too much

of an imposition.

Oh, f*ck off, it is!

You'll save my sanity.

-(CHUCKLES) Seriously.

-Oh, it'd feel weird.

It won't feel weird.

I mean, Mum has people

come and stay

for months at a time.

And you know what?

If you get sick of us,

you can leave.

(INTRIGUING MUSIC PLAYING)

I promise.

OLIVER: And I believed him.

(INTRIGUING MUSIC

CONTINUES PLAYING)

(SIGHS)

Saltburn.

(INTRIGUING MUSIC BUILDS)

(DOORS CREAKING)

Mr Quick.

You're early.

Er, I got the earlier train.

Well, do let

us know next time.

You see,

the gates were not open.

That's... That's okay.

We'd sent someone

to pick you up.

Ah.

-Sorry.

-Not at all.

Follow me.

(DOORS CREAKING)

OLIVER: Wow.

This is amazing.

Wow. Wow.

-Just wow.

-Hmm.

Just leave your bag there.

Someone will get it for you.

FELIX: Ollie!

Thank God you're here.

Duncan, I'll show him

to his room. Don't worry.

Oliver, try not to be

too terrified of Duncan.

Duncan, stop being

so frightening

in front of my friends.

-Well, I'll try. Felix.

-FELIX: Come on, mate.

-Come on.

-He is terrifying.

Oh, he's all right.

He's just odd.

Okay!

So...

Er, red staircase.

I accidentally

fingered my cousin here.

Henry VII's cabinet.

Ghost of Granny.

Hi, Granny.

Green room. Gardens.

Some f*cking hideous Rubens.

Broken piano.

Er, blue room.

It's blue.

And King's bedroom.

Actually, the bed still has

some of Henry VIII's

spunk on it.

This is the long gallery.

Er, dead reli. Dead relies.

Daddy's old teddy.

Shakespeare's folio.

And maze.

So, yeah,

we're just through here.

Okay.

Er, my room.

You'll be staying

just next door.

Bathroom.

Ooh, by the way, we're gonna

be sharing a bathroom.

I hope you don't mind.

Otherwise you'd be miles away

on the other end of the house.

(TUTTING)

Dressing room.

And...

your room!

Wow.

I'm glad you're here, mate.

Right, I will, er...

I will leave you to it.

Er, just one thing.

Mum has a phobia

of, er, beards and stubble,

so I left a razor for you

in the bathroom.

-What?

-Yeah. I don't know.

She thinks it's unhygienic.

Er, something to do

with her father.

It's bonkers. I mean...

I'm not even allowed to wear

my f*cking stud when I'm here.

Anything else

I should know about?

No. No, just be yourself.

They'll love you.

It's relaxed, I promise.

We'll be in the library.

Library?

(CLACKING)

(CLACKING STOPS)

(DISTANT LAUGHTER)

McLovin's never existed

'cause that's a made-up

dumb f*cking fairy-tale name,

you f*ck!

(BOTH LAUGHING)

WOMAN 1: But they might have,

sort of, meetings, I suppose.

Well, I mean, they probably

don't have rehab in Liverpool.

WOMAN 1: No, gosh, no.

No, I can't imagine they do.

No, see, everybody just

goes to ruin, I suppose.

Where is Liverpool?

WOMAN 2: I think

it's on the sea, isn't it?

Darling, where's Liverpool?

Er, north.

-North.

-WOMAN 2: Yes.

FARLEIGH:

It's called Prescot.

WOMAN 2: Oh,

it'll be some awful slum.

WOMAN 1: Mmm.

A sort of hellish squat.

And both his parents

were dealing.

God, and his mother's a drunk.

I mean, babies

can be really affected.

-Traumatised.

-Oh, they come out drunk.

Is that right,

that he had to put his fingers

down his mother's throat

to make her sick?

FELIX: Farleigh,

that's private stuff.

FARLEIGH: Well, you told us.

FELIX: In confidence.

WOMAN 2: It's awful, darling.

Can you imagine

doing that to me?

WOMAN 1: I think

that's actually

rather normal

when you're poor.

I think, when you're poor,

that sort of thing

does happen a little bit more.

-(CHUCKLES)

-WOMAN 2: We should give him

the most wonderful time.

FARLEIGH: Good luck,

he doesn't smile much.

WOMAN 2: Farleigh seems

to think he's ghastly.

Why are you friends

with him, darling?

WOMAN 1:

Dirt poor, not attractive

and his parents

are drug addicts.

-I can't actually...

-And here he is now!

We were just

talking about you.

Don't be silly.

Farleigh, you just make up

the most awful things.

Of course we weren't.

Hello, Oliver, darling.

Oh, what beautiful eyes.

Oh, how wonderful!

Yeah, I told you

he wasn't a minger.

Oh, but, darling,

you're kind about everyone.

You can't be trusted.

Oliver, I have a complete

and utter horror of ugliness.

Ever since I was very young.

I don't know why.

Maybe because

you're a terrible person?

-Don't be mean.

-(FELIX CHUCKLES)

Has Venetia seen you yet?

Oh, my God, she'll die.

She's been draping herself

all around the house all day

hoping you'll come across her.

-(CHUCKLES) As it were.

-Do stop.

The poor boy's

only just arrived.

Oliver, how good

to finally meet you.

-Trip all right?

-Yes, thank you, sir.

Oh, God,

don't with the "sirs".

No, no, no, we can't stand

anything like that here.

Go on, come and sit by me.

This is my

dear friend, Pamela,

who's been staying with us.

PAMELA: Hey.

Pamela, darling,

will you go and find Annie

and ask about tea?

Yeah.

Yeah. Who, which...

Which one's that?

You'll find her, darling.

Annie.

-PAMELA: Where's, erm...

-You'll work it out, darling.

Okay, I'm going

to work it out.

MAN: Kitchen.

PAMELA: Ah, the kitchen.

Kitchen.

So, Annie in the kitchen.

Annie in the kitchen.

-WOMAN 2: Off you pop.

-Okay.

Poor Dear Pamela.

She's been staying with us

while she gets

back on her feet.

She's had an awful time

this year. Hideous.

But, oh, Oliver, so have you.

God, I was so sorry

to hear about your father.

How utterly, utterly tragic.

I've lost so many friends

to addiction.

So, so many dear,

dear friends.

It's the root of Poor Pamela's

horrors too, I'm afraid.

And the only interesting

thing about her.

Farleigh!

No, she is rather dull,

actually.

But she's so beautiful.

You have to admit,

she's very beautiful.

But it's only ever

really been a curse.

I mean, the men. Oliver,

you wouldn't believe it.

The latest one is some

ghastly Russian billionaire.

Malignantly ugly, of course.

And she's been holed up here

for months hiding from him.

Anyway,

let's not talk about that.

Darling, tell me

about your mother.

How is she bearing up?

-Still drinking?

-Stop!

-Ignore him.

-It's rude.

WOMAN 2:

Nothing shocks me, Oliver.

Absolutely nothing.

Tell me everything.

OLIVER: (SOFTLY) f*cking hell.

(DOOR OPENS)

FELIX: God, Ollie, I'm sorry

Mum asked

so many rude questions.

Don't take it personally.

Someone unpacked my suitcase?

FELIX: Er... sh*t, yes.

I should have told you.

They do that here.

The maids all report

back to Mum, by the way,

so I hope you didn't pack

anything scandalous.

Just my old boxers.

-(SOFTLY) God.

-Oh, no, they're used to that.

Don't worry.

Duncan will be thrilled.

(OLIVER CHUCKLES SOFTLY)

Oh, erm... (CLEARS THROAT)

I hope you don't mind.

I had them hang up

an old school dinner jacket.

We, er...

We dress for dinner here,

so I didn't want you

to be caught short.

Dress for dinner?

Yeah, it's, like...

It's, like, black tie.

-I could've brought one.

-Oh, no, don't be silly.

I mean, I have a spare.

It'd be a waste.

Do you have cufflinks, though?

No.

That's all right.

We'll get it sorted. I'll...

I'll get you some.

(CLICKS TONGUE)

I'm really happy

you're here, Ol.

I'm sorry that

everything is so...

old-fashioned.

(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)

No, it's wonderful.

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

We met in rehab, so...

He was just so lovely

at first, and then

all of his business partners

started, sort of,

falling out of windows.

-(SOFTLY) You know.

-Right.

-Lucky escape.

-PAMELA: Mmm. I suppose so.

But he spoke Russian

all the time

and it just sounded

so romantic.

And I don't know

the Russian word for "whore",

so I, sort of, thought

it sounded like lovely poetry.

OLIVER: Yeah.

Daddy always said I'd end up

at the bottom of the Thames.

So far so good.

PAMELA: I don't know

what I'd do without Elspeth.

She really saved me.

Don't bang on about it,

Pamela, darling.

You know we're delighted

to have you for however long

-it is you mean to stay.

-Forever?

Oh, no. I think I might have,

erm, found somewhere.

-Oh, well done, darling.

-Oh, good.

Yeah, my cousin...

My cousin has a flat.

Oh, that'll suit you

very well, a nice little flat.

It's more of a...

More of a bedsit really.

ELSPETH: I loved living

in a bedsit in my 20s.

It's so freeing

to live all in one room.

And much less cleaning to do.

Oh, but it'll be terrible

when you're gone.

How will I cope?

Well, I... (STAMMERS)

I could actually stay

for a little bit longer...

Oh, no, darling, no.

You must be desperate

to be rid of us

and find your own place.

I quite understand.

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

(SOMBRE MUSIC PLAYING)

(WIND BLOWING)

-OLIVER: Hey.

-(SQUEALS)

f*cking hell,

you gave me a fright.

Sorry. I just thought

you were sleepwalking.

No, I wanted to have a look

at the moon.

It's nearly full.

Do you know what that means?

No.

We're all about

to lose our minds.

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

Sorry, you must be...

You must be cold.

(VENETIA CHUCKLES)

I'm cold-blooded.

We're all cold-blooded,

haven't you noticed?

You're not cold-blooded.

Your family is so kind to me.

-Sweet.

-(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)

I see why Felix

likes you so much.

You're so, erm...

So what?

I don't know.

(VENETIA CHUCKLES)

Real.

-Hmm.

-(CHUCKLES)

I think I like you even more

than last year's one.

(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)

(VENETIA CHUCKLES)

Night.

-What's, erm, what's...

-MAID: Breakfast is ready.

-OLIVER: Morning.

-Morning.

VENETIA: Morning.

FELIX: You sleep well, mate?

OLIVER: Erm, yeah.

(SIGHS)

(SOFTLY) Hi.

Hey, Oliver,

have some breakfast.

Er, can I get a full

English breakfast too, please?

Breakfast is on the side,

darling.

Just help yourself.

How would you like your eggs?

-It's fine. I can get them.

-FARLEIGH: Not the eggs.

The eggs are made for you.

Exactly.

And everything else

is on the side.

Fried over easy, please.

Ollie, we were just talking

about the Shelley biography.

Shelley who? Shelley,

Belinda's sister Shelley?

Oh, Percy Bysshe Shelley.

The poet.

-The Romantic poet.

-Oh.

VENETIA: Do you know the story

about Shelley's doppelgnger?

SIR JAMES: His doppelgnger?

VENETIA: Mmm.

Shelley's housekeeper

was cleaning one of the rooms

when Shelley walked past

the window and waved at her.

So, she waved back

before she realised

that Shelley was in Italy.

And she was on the top floor

of the house.

Oh, Vee. Stop, stop, stop.

I won't sleep.

A few hours later, he drowned.

ELSPETH: Oh!

Oh, that's just

given me goosebumps.

-Look, Pamela.

-Oh, no.

-I heard he f*cked his sister.

-Oh, for God's sake!

I think that was Byron.

PAMELA: Oh,

speaking of which...

Ellie, did you hear,

Ada ran off with Tommy Prior?

-ELSPETH: Yes, you told me.

-(SOFTLY) Thank you so much.

ELSPETH: 'Course she did.

Her husband was ghastly.

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

Is everything okay, Ollie?

Er, 'course, yeah.

It's just, erm...

Runny eggs. I...

I get a bit sick from them.

Sorry.

So sorry.

-(DUNCAN CLEARS THROAT)

-OLIVER: Sorry.

We're over here, Ollie!

FELIX: Hi, mate.

FARLEIGH: Hey.

No trunks allowed

in the field.

( TIME TO PRETEND BY MGMPLAYING)

(ALL LAUGHING)

Well, well, well.

-Leave him alone.

-(LAUGHS)

Good for you.

-What a twist.

-(VENETIA LAUGHING)

I'm feelin' rough

I'm feelin' raw

I'm in the prime

of my life

Watch out for thistles, mate.

Thistles, they're everywhere.

Seasonal.

Let's make some music

Make some money

Find some models for wives

FELIX: Do you think

Harry, Hermione and Ron

-all have threesomes?

-VENETIA: What?

FARLEIGH:

Oh, without a f*cking doubt.

FELIX: You think

they all f*ck?

They're missing out on

an opportunity if they're not.

You man the island

- And the cocaine

- (ALL SCREAMING)

And the elegant cars

VENETIA: Oh, my God!

ELSPETH: Why is she wet?

FELIX: Because she's been

down the well, Mum.

(ALL LAUGHING)

We've got the vision

Now let's have some fun

(ALL CHEERING)

FARLEIGH: That was out.

-FELIX: Drink, drink, drink!

-f*ck off!

FELIX: You've got

to hit the ball, Vee.

Yeah, it's overwhelming

But what else can we do?

Get jobs in offices

And wake up for

the morning commute?

What are these?

ELSPETH: Oh,

the Palissy plates.

Do you mean Bernard Palissy,

the 16th century

Huguenot ceramicist?

Yes. Do you know him?

OLIVER: I've always

loved his work,

but I've never seen anything

of his in real life.

-We're fated

-(GASPS)

-To pretend

- (GROANS IN DISGUST)

-(EXCLAIMING)

-(GRUNTING)

That's so weird.

-Stop!

-Our point.

(WHOOPING)

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

Yeah

Yeah, yeah, yeah

(SONG ENDS)

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

Can I help you?

Er, sorry.

Quite all right.

Lots of people get lost

in Saltburn.

-(DUNCAN CHUCKLES)

-Well...

(MUFFLED MOAN)

(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING)

(FELIX BREATHING HEAVILY)

(MOANING)

(INHALES SHAKILY)

(CONTINUES MOANING)

(WATER DRAINING)

FELIX: All right.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Night, mate. (KISSES)

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

(SLURPS)

(SLURPS)

(SLURPING)

(MOANS SOFTLY)

ELSPETH: Oh, Oliver darling.

So punctual.

Poor Vee.

The boys just run a mile.

OLIVER: Why?

Well, she gives

it away for free.

She's sexually incontinent.

Has been since she was 14.

My mother always said...

"Born masochist."

And then there's all the stuff

with the food.

What stuff?

You know,

"fingers for pudding".

We thought she'd grow

out of it, the throwing up.

I... I didn't know.

Well, exactly!

Hasn't even helped.

Complete waste of time.

Honestly. But if she found

the right boy or girl.

I don't care. Anything.

I was a lesbian for a while,

you know.

But it was all just

too wet for me in the end.

Men are so lovely and dry.

Ah, it can't have been

easy for Venetia.

With you being her mother.

-Why?

-Because...

Because what?

Because you're

so f*cking beautiful.

(TENSE MUSIC PLAYING)

(CHUCKLES)

What do you think, er, Pamela

will be wearing tonight?

What? Oh, Pamela's not here.

-Oh, is she...

-She's gone.

James thought it would better

to peel her away this morning

without too much of a scene.

Only so many hints

you can drop.

Yeah, she did seem a bit lost.

Ha, very tactful.

She's a complete limpet.

The wettest of wet blankets.

And very hard to know

from looking at her

because she's so stylish.

You'd think she was a riot

to look at her.

But there's absolutely nothing

going on underneath.

I know she's

had a hideous time

the past few years

but, honestly,

she did go on about it.

If all of it was true...

What do you mean?

I shouldn't have said that.

No, no, go on.

No, I don't know. Just...

Her stories, they just seemed

a bit inconsistent at times.

I thought you noticed it too.

Oh, yes, I had. Absolutely.

The self-pity,

the emotional blackmail.

You know.

Yes.

Yes! God!

I was feeling quite guilty

about it this afternoon,

but you're absolutely right.

There was actually something

quite sinister about her.

Yes.

(EXHALES) Thank goodness

for you, Oliver.

You're so perceptive.

(EXHALES)

(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING)

You're presumptuous.

(OLIVER CHUCKLES)

And you're in

a see-through nightdress

underneath my window.

It's my house.

I can go wherever I want.

OLIVER: Oh, okay.

And you want to be

in a see-through nightdress

underneath my window.

(CHUCKLES)

I hadn't really

thought about it.

OLIVER: Just a masochist,

then?

You're not eating anything.

Yes, I am.

Well, you're not

keeping it down.

I mean, you're so beautiful,

Venetia.

You need to look

after yourself.

So tomorrow

you're going to eat,

and then you're going

to stay at the table.

Do you understand?

Yes.

(SOFTLY) Good.

I could just eat you.

(MOANING SOFTLY,

BREATHING HEAVILY)

Ollie...

It's... It's not the right

time of the month.

And is that something

you think I'm worried about?

(VENETIA BREATHING HEAVILY)

It's lucky for you

I'm a vampire.

(VENETIA GULPS)

(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING)

(MOANS SOFTLY)

You've got a little

something there.

(VENETIA CHUCKLES)

(FARLEIGH SCOFFS)

You stupid little boy.

(SCOFFS)

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

ELSPETH: It must have been

such a strain.

SIR JAMES: I can never

remember the name

of the, er, chubby one.

What was it?

ELSPETH:

He's some doctor in Paris.

I can't remember his name.

But he gives you,

sort of, shakes

that you mix up with water,

I suppose.

OLIVER: Good morning.

ELSPETH: Hello, darling.

-You sleep well?

-No, not really, mate.

We're 30 for dinner

tomorrow night.

Stopford Sackville

has cried off.

Oh, dear, that's a shame.

God, I forgot about

f*cking dinner.

Wait, who is coming

to dinner again?

-The Henrys.

-FARLEIGH: No, please!

-Who are the Henrys?

-VENETIA: Dad's friends.

They're all called Henry.

-Not all of them. Just most.

-It'll be fun.

It'll be being

molested by Henry.

You know which one.

I'll put you next

to Oliver, then.

He can molest you instead.

(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)

Oh, Oliver,

I was going to say,

we should do something fun

for your birthday.

A proper party.

No Henrys.

Something actually fun.

What do you think, darling?

If Oliver would like it,

I think it's a splendid idea.

FARLEIGH: I think Oliver

looks like he'd rather

throw himself out of a window.

What kind of party?

I don't know.

Whatever you want.

What do you think?

About 100 people?

-A hundred?

-Or two.

It invariably

ends up being two,

doesn't it, with this

sort of thing? (CHUCKLES)

Invite whoever you want.

All your friends.

What friends?

Oh! Oh! How about fancy dress?

ELSPETH: Oh, yes!

I can wear

my suit of armour, Elspeth.

Good idea, darling.

We could have a theme.

What about

Midsummer Night's Dream?

SIR JAMES: Lovely.

FARLEIGH:

Bring on the slutty fairies.

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING

ON SPEAKERS)

OLIVER: Hey.

Hey.

Felix.

Is everything okay?

Yes. Why?

You seem annoyed

about something.

I'm not annoyed

about anything.

Okay.

It's just slightly bad form,

that's all.

-What's bad form?

-What do you think?

Getting with Venetia, Ollie.

What makes you think

I got with Venetia?

Farleigh saw you two.

It's just

f*cking cringe, mate.

I mean, really,

you're my friend.

You're supposed

to be here with me.

Look, I didn't want

to embarrass Venetia.

What do you mean?

Well, I saw her...

I saw her outside

and I went down to see

was she okay.

And I think she got the wrong

end of the stick because...

she tried to kiss me.

And I politely

steered her away.

Farleigh said you two were

practically eating each other.

Oh, and you believe him?

Me and Venetia?

(SCOFFS) Come on.

(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING)

-Well, why didn't you tell me?

-I just...

I thought it would

be nicer not to.

She was hammered.

Probably doesn't remember.

She's so embarrassing.

And f*cking Farleigh.

What a little a sh*t stirrer.

Mmm.

Well, someone

has to entertain us all.

Right.

That's why we love him.

(SIGHS) Thank God.

You know, I thought we had

another Eddie situation.

-Eddie?

-Yeah.

Eddie was my best friend

at school.

And he came to stay with us.

And he, kind of,

developed a little thing

for Venetia,

and everything just

got so awkward.

Yeah, it, kind of,

ruined our friendship.

I can imagine.

(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)

FARLEIGH: I'm not saying

my mother isn't

completely idiotic

when it comes to money.

FELIX: You just have

to be firm with her.

FARLEIGH: I can't call her

and tell her no.

FELIX: I know. I know.

You've said that.

-I know, I understand.

-FARLEIGH: No, you don't.

-You don't. It's humiliating.

-FELIX: It's very hard...

FARLEIGH: I'm sorry,

but it's a bit f*cking shitty.

You're all throwing Oliver

a party for 200 people

while my mother

lives in squalor.

FELIX: Oh, she's hardly

living in squalor, mate.

FARLEIGH: Well, she can't

pay her bills, so she will be.

Okay? At the rate she's going,

she will be.

FELIX: Right,

that's exactly why

Dad's concerned

about helping her.

He doesn't wanna enable her.

He wants her to learn

to stand on her own two feet.

-Yeah, like he does?

-Farleigh.

I mean, you do know

how this looks, right?

Making me come to you

with a begging bowl.

What are you implying?

I think you know

what I'm implying, Felix.

Why don't you ask

Liam and Joshua?

Who...

Who the f*ck

are Liam and Joshua?

(CHUCKLES)

Your footmen.

Oh, that is...

That is low, Farleigh.

-Jesus Christ, mate.

-Okay.

Seriously, is that...

Is that where

-you wanna take this?

-Right.

Make it a race thing?

What the f*ck?

I mean, we're your family.

We hardly even notice

that you're different,

or anything like that.

-FARLEIGH: Mmm.

-I never know

our footmen's names.

The turnover of a footman

is notoriously high.

-Of course.

-And by the way,

my father has been

more generous

than most people would be.

A lot more.

(CLAPS HANDS)

But...

maybe... maybe we've done

all that we can.

(SCOFFS, CHUCKLES SOFTLY)

(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING)

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING,

LAUGHTER)

How do you know

her father, then?

Felix warned you off, then?

Well, maybe we just need to be

a bit more careful.

No, thanks.

It's just so disappointing.

You're just another

one of his toys.

You're upset.

Oh, don't worry.

I'm used to it. Honestly.

I mean, he never liked

sharing his toys.

Even the ones he doesn't want

to play with any more.

Henry, how is your

gorgeous son?

Venetia, Venetia...

-Me first. You're on my left.

-I'm sorry.

OLIVER: Of course.

So, how long have you

known the Cattons for?

Oh, forever. Forever and ever.

-And how... how did you...

-My husband is James' godson.

How long have

you been married?

You've been married long?

Yes.

-Lovely.

-Why?

-Erm...

-Why would it be "lovely"?

-Hmm?

-The man's an idiot.

...from the ocean floor.

(LAUGHS)

Do you know what I mean?

-Have you got children?

-Yes. Two.

No, three. Three boys.

-Must be a handful.

-Well, no, they're at school.

That's the main thing

about school,

you hardly ever have

to see them.

WOMAN:

Hen, darling, save me.

HENRY: The rumour was,

she had two arseholes.

How was I supposed to know

she was a bloody hooker?

( LOW BY FLO RIDA PLAYING

ON SPEAKERS)

HENRY: Let me talk to 'em

Let me talk to 'em

Let it rain

Let me talk to 'em

Shawty had them

apple bottom jeans

Boots with the fur

The whole club

was lookin' at her

She hit the floor

Next thing you know

Shawty got low, low, low

Low, low, low

All right, f*ck this.

I'm gonna get a drink.

Yeah, me too.

The Reeboks with the strap

She turned around

and gave that

Big booty a slap

(WHOOPS)

f*ck, chuck or marry.

Richard III,

Henry VII or Henry VIII?

You know,

I think I'd f*ck Richard III.

He's so insecure, so you know

he'd put in the work, right?

(CHUCKLES)

(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)

Or you could just f*ck me?

Why did you tell Felix

about me and Venetia?

Well, I didn't think

he'd react that badly.

Yes, you did.

Yes, I did.

(SIGHS) You know...

if you ever wanna

talk to anyone,

you can talk to me, Farleigh.

What do you mean?

Well, I know you're going

through a hard time at home.

I know how that feels.

When things are so precarious.

It's terrifying.

And lonely.

And it must be

so f*cking weird

having to ask them

for everything.

And I know

you f*cking hate me.

I...

I don't hate you.

But if you ever wanted me

to talk to them

to see if there's...

(SIGHS)

If I can help in any way...

...just ask.

(CHUCKLES)

-Okay.

-(BOTH CHUCKLE)

Right, I think I'm gonna go

put him out of his misery.

Shawty got low, low

Low, low, low

-Oh!

-(MICROPHONE FEEDBACK)

Okay.

Well done, Henry.

That was great.

Everyone, round of applause

for Henry.

-(SONG ENDS)

-(ALL CHEERING, APPLAUDING)

Okay. Now it's time

to take things up a notch.

( RENT BY PET SHOP BOYS

PLAYING)

Er, okay, we have someone here

who is a very talented singer.

He's your best friend,

and mine.

Oliver Quick.

-(APPLAUSE)

-SIR JAMES: Oliver!

-Come on, up you get.

-No, no, no.

-Yes, yes, don't be shy.

-I don't even know the song.

The words are

on the screen, Oliver.

That's the best bit.

That's the best bit!

(ALL CHEERING)

You dress me up

I'm your puppet

You buy me things

I love it

You bring me food

I need it

You give me love

I feed it

(VENETIA WHOOPS)

And look at the two of us

In sympathy

With everything we see

I never want anything

It's easy

You buy whatever I need

But look at my hopes

Look at my dreams

The currency we've spent

-Oh!

-(CHUCKLES)

I love you

You pay my rent

(WHOOPS) You tell them!

-FELIX: Farleigh.

-What?

This is your song as well,

Farleigh.

Come finish it.

FARLEIGH: Only if you insist.

You took me

to a restaurant

-(CROWD CHEERING)

-Off Broadway

To show me who you...

(GRUNTING SOFTLY)

(SIGHS)

(EXHALES)

(SNORING SOFTLY)

-(BED CREAKING)

-(GASPS)

What the f*ck are you doing?

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

OLIVER: What do you

think I'm doing?

FARLEIGH: I think you're

in the wrong f*cking room.

Am I?

(FARLEIGH BREATHING HEAVILY)

(SOFTLY) Are you going to

behave from now on, Farleigh?

No.

(FARLEIGH MOANS SOFTLY)

(SOFTLY)

Are you going to behave?

No.

(SOFTLY)

Don't make me ask again.

(SOFTLY) Say it.

I'm going to behave.

(FARLEIGH MOANS SOFTLY)

-What the f*ck...

-(SHUSHES)

(BED CREAKING)

(FARLEIGH MOANS SOFTLY)

(OLIVER SHUSHES)

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

FARLEIGH: I wouldn't do this.

ELSPETH: James is very upset.

FARLEIGH: You know that...

Why would I do this?

ELSPETH: I don't know...

FARLEIGH: I swear to God,

-this has to be...

-ELSPETH: Enough!

FARLEIGH: There must be

some kind of mistake here.

-ELSPETH: Farleigh...

-I'm sure I can...

FELIX: Vee, what the f*ck

is going on?

VENETIA: (SHUSHES, SOFTLY)

It's Farleigh.

OLIVER: (SOFTLY)

What happened?

VENETIA: (SOFTLY)

He tried to nick something.

FELIX: (SOFTLY)

What are you talking about?

(FARLEIGH AND ELSPETH

ARGUING INDISTINCTLY)

VENETIA: (SOFTLY)

He's a f*cking idiot.

DUNCAN: Move!

ELSPETH: Please.

FELIX: (SOFTLY) f*ck.

( YOU'RE GORGEOUS

PLAYING ON SPEAKERS)

Because you're gorgeous

I mean, it's outrageous!

OLIVER: What

actually happened?

FELIX: He sent an email

to Sotheby's

to say that he'd "come by"

-some Palissy plates.

-(VENETIA SCOFFS)

I mean, the idiot.

He had to have known

that Dad went to school

with the chairman.

I mean,

talk about biting the hand.

And Mum and Dad would give him

anything he asked for.

Yeah, well, obviously

he got sick of asking.

That's ridiculous.

He's more spoilt than we are.

I mean, come on, Vee. You...

You have to admit.

It's a little bit dark,

him having to go

to Mum and Dad

with a begging bowl.

-Oh, boo-f*cking-hoo.

-FELIX: All right, yes.

Fine, it was incredibly

f*cking stupid...

VENETIA: Guys, guys, guys.

(FELIX SHUSHES)

Oliver,

don't mention it, okay?

OLIVER: What happens

if they bring him up?

-They won't.

-What a glorious day.

Never known a summer

as hot as this one.

Sweltering.

I think it's even hotter

than last year.

I didn't think

that was possible,

but here we are again.

It's hotter than Barbados,

apparently. Barbados!

ELSPETH: No, I can

believe it, darling.

Honestly, I don't think I've

ever been hotter in my life.

SIR JAMES: Oh,

I need to check with Robert...

-(SIGHS)

-...to make sure that

he's being extra vigilant

with the hydrangeas.

Very wise, my love.

Oh, bliss.

Bliss, bliss, bliss.

(INHALES)

Mmm!

Oh, this song. God, I haven't

heard this song in forever.

(SIGHS) I used to hang out

with them all, actually,

when I was modelling.

Britpop, Blur, Oasis.

God, the parties.

Oh, but then, of course,

Common People came out

and everybody thought

it was written about me.

Which was completely

mortifying and ridiculous.

I mean, I barely knew Jarvis.

VENETIA: What?

ELSPETH: She came from Greece.

She had a thirst

for knowledge.

It couldn't have been me.

I've never wanted

to know anything.

(GROANS) God, I wish we didn't

have to go to London.

I didn't know you were

going to London.

Pamela's funeral.

-(SOFTLY) Oh.

-Pamela d*ed?

Yeah.

She'd do anything

for attention.

(FELIX MOANING SOFTLY)

(SLOW, DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

(SLOW, DRAMATIC MUSIC

CONTINUES PLAYING)

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

Morning, birthday boy.

Get dressed.

We're going on a road trip.

Where?

Oh, it's a surprise.

Wear something nice.

(CHUCKLES)

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING

OVER CAR RADIO)

(FELIX AND OLIVER LAUGHING)

(FELIX AND OLIVER EXCLAIMING)

(FELIX AND OLIVER

SINGING INDISTINCTLY)

How much further is it?

It's not too far now.

Er, please tell me you're...

Felix, are...

FELIX: Look, Ollie,

just hear me out, all right?

-OLIVER: No, no, no.

-Hear me out for a sec.

What have you done?

What have you done?

-Your mum called a week ago.

-Er...

You left your phone

in the bathroom,

so I thought, I thought...

I, sort of, just picked up.

I mean, you've been ignoring

her calls for weeks

and I just thought that

maybe I could help.

And on the phone, she really

sounded sober, mate.

She had no idea where you were

and she just wanted

to send you a card

for your birthday.

Please turn the car round.

You can't take me there.

You can't. Felix, you can't

take me there.

-Ollie, she's your mother.

-No!

She's your family!

-She's all that you've got.

-You don't understand!

-Ollie, she's your...

-You don't!

-I'm begging you.

-Mate...

I'm begging you. Please, no.

I'm not taking "no" for

an answer, mate. I'm sorry.

You have to fix this, mate.

Oh, look, there's a sign.

Churchill Avenue. Right.

Oh, 138.

Is this it?

-Oh, this is nice, mate.

-(CAR RATTLING)

Look, she's clearly

cleaned up her act.

This is lovely.

Let's do this.

(KEYS JANGLING)

Let me go in

without you, please.

I'm not leaving you, mate.

We're in this together.

(CAR DOOR CLOSES)

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

(DOOR BELL RINGS)

MOTHER: Oliver! Oh!

Praise you're alive.

(CHUCKLES)

I didn't recognise you.

(SIGHS)

Happy birthday, darling.

(INHALES SHARPLY)

You must be Felix.

It's so nice to meet you.

Your father's in the garden.

-His father?

-MOTHER: (CHUCKLING) Yeah.

He's been pacing around

all morning. He's so excited.

Come in. Come in.

Jeff!

(LAUGHING)

(ALL CHUCKLING)

JEFF: Oh, that was in Mykonos.

We go every year.

Well, not any more.

No, not now

the kids are all grown up.

Kids?

You told me you were

an only child, Oliver?

No, I've always talked about

my sisters.

All right.

Well, I must have...

I must have forgotten.

(CHUCKLES)

MOTHER: I'm not surprised

if he didn't.

He always wanted

to be an only child,

always beetling off

by himself.

I bet, yeah. Yeah, I bet.

They didn't know what to do

with him at his school.

He was so clever.

That's why I think

he found it hard

to make friends.

The others were jealous.

And now he's the top scholar

at Oxford.

-(CHUCKLING)

-The top scholar?

God, he's so modest.

You know, I... I had no idea.

(CHUCKLES)

It's been hard not seeing him.

Yeah, but it must be a lot

of pressure, though, I expect.

Oh, yeah.

-Yeah, of course it is.

-I bet. Yeah, I can't imagine.

JEFF: Working day and night.

And then, on top of it all,

he's got the union.

-The plays.

-(HIGH-PITCHED RINGING NOISE)

-Yeah, the plays.

-JEFF: The rowing team.

-The rowing team?

-MOTHER: Oh, yeah...

OLIVER: I've gotta go.

JEFF: What d'you mean?

I've got these

horrible migraines.

Oh. Why don't you lie down

upstairs, darling?

I made your bed up

in case you wanted to stay.

We've got to get back.

We've...

We've got to get back

for my party.

Oliver...

Oliver, your mother spent

-all morning making lunch.

-MOTHER: It doesn't matter.

-It does matter. It does.

-MOTHER: No, it's all right.

-If he's not well...

-JEFF: It's not okay.

It doesn't matter,

it's only spag bol.

JEFF: And the cake?

It doesn't matter.

Of course we can stay,

we would love to stay.

Ollie, just take a pill

or something,

for Christ's sake.

I love spag bol.

(CAR RATTLING)

Felix, look, Felix,

please, let me just explain.

I think the best thing

is that you go home

after your party.

It's too late

to cancel it now,

and summer's almost finished

anyway.

So I think we'll have

your party tonight, and...

I will see you back at Oxford.

And we can still be friends,

though?

I mean, we're going

to laugh about this.

I... I...

I don't even know

why I said it.

It's just a stupid thing

to say...

FELIX: No, it's f*cking weird,

is what it is, mate.

Honestly, I don't

even know where to start.

I mean,

you're a f*cking liar, Ollie.

(SIGHS)

Why would you lie?

I just wanted

to be your friend.

Look, let's just

get through tonight.

Can you not tell your family,

please?

Of course not. f*cking hell!

It's dark enough as it is!

(SOMBRE MUSIC PLAYING)

(CRYING)

(INHALING DEEPLY)

(EXHALES)

( PERFECT EXCEEDER PLAYING)

(PEOPLE TALKING INDISTINCTLY)

Duncan.

-Yes?

-Orchid.

Watch me work it,

I'm perfect

One, two, three, four

Let me hear you scream

If you want some more

-(GLASSES CLINKING)

-Cheers!

Watch me work it,

I'm perfect

(PEOPLE LAUGHING)

SIR JAMES: Uh-oh.

ELSPETH: Oh,

it's George's daughter.

SIR JAMES: Uh-oh, uh-oh.

ELSPETH: Oh, dear,

she's just like her mother.

(GIRL VOMITING, COUGHS)

That's right

I'm a superstar

Everybody wanna come up

When I'm at the bar

All the people wanna try

It's like give me some more

Try a little harder, honey

Give me some more

Let's go I'm a superstar

Getting busy with the boys

Hanging at the bar

Everybody coming close

'cause they all want me

You all knew

When you saw me

I like how you look

Baby call me, call me

One, two, three, four

Let me hear you scream

If you want some more

MAN: Hey! Hey!

OLIVER: Have you seen Felix?

Nope.

(PEOPLE SHOUTING CHEERFULLY)

(CHUCKLING)

FELIX: Which one's

the biggest...

Oh, no.

-Oh, f*ck.

-OLIVER: Felix.

Can I, er, talk to you

for one second?

(GIRL GROANS)

(CLEARS THROAT)

You can't ignore me forever.

I can try.

OLIVER: Felix,

we need to talk.

Felix, come on!

Look, man, I tried to be nice,

but can you f*ck off

and bother somebody else?

(GIRL CHUCKLES)

Who was that?

(ROAST SKEWERS SQUEAKING)

OLIVER: (SIGHS)

Hello, Farleigh.

How did you know it was me?

Signet ring.

(CHUCKLES) God.

You really do notice

everything, don't you?

Have they seen you yet?

Not yet. (SIGHS)

(SNORTS)

Yeah, they'll go ballistic.

I doubt it.

They invited me. (SNIFFS)

OLIVER: Ohhh!

FARLEIGH: Mmm.

Mmm.

(CHORTLES)

God, the look on your face.

They can't have invited you.

Oh, Oliver,

you'll never catch on.

This place...

(CHUCKLES) You know,

it's not for you.

It is a f*cking dream.

It is an anecdote

you'll bore your fat kids

with at Christmas.

Oliver's once in a lifetime

handjob on a hay bale,

golden, big boy summer!

(LAUGHING)

You'll cling on to it,

and comb over it,

and jerk off to it,

and you'll wonder how

you could ever

ever, ever, ever get it back.

But you don't get it back.

Because your summer's over.

And so you...

(CHUCKLING) Oh...

You...

catch a train...

to whatever

creepy doll factory

it is they make Olivers in.

And I come back here.

This isn't a dream to me.

It's my house.

So whatever happens,

I always come back.

Try harder next time, baby.

ALL: Happy birthday to you

Happy birthday to you

Happy birthday dear...

MAN: sh*t,

I can't remember his name.

(ALL SNORTING AND GIGGLING)

Happy birthday to you

-WOMAN: Whoo!

-(PEOPLE MURMUR INDISTINCTLY)

(ALL CHEERING)

( HAPPINESS BY TOMCRAFPLAYING)

Happiness seems

To be loneliness

And loneliness

k*lled my world

How could you guess

When you're only

Thinking of yourself?

How you looked

At other girls

Happiness seems

To be loneliness

And loneliness

k*lled my world

How could you guess

When you're only

Thinking of yourself?

How you looked

At other girls

Happiness seems

To be loneliness

And loneliness

k*lled my world

How could you guess

When you're only

Thinking of yourself?

How you looked

At other girls

(PEOPLE CHEERING, WHISTLING)

(BOTH CHUCKLING)

(INDIA AND FELIX CHUCKLING)

(SIGHS)

(FELIX GRUNTING)

(INDIA AND FELIX MOANING)

-Felix.

-FELIX: Oh, Jesus Christ!

What the f*ck

are you doing here?

OLIVER: I need to talk to you.

INDIA: Were you spying on us?

No, I wasn't.

You know,

you two are f*cking gross.

FELIX: f*cking hell, mate.

(GROANS) God...

What the f*ck

is wrong with you, Oliver?

Leave me the f*ck alone!

-No, we need to talk.

-Please stop.

We can't... We can't,

are you f*cking crazy?

-You can't just throw me away.

-Get the f*ck away from me.

Ah, f*ck...

Look, I just gave you

what you wanted!

Like everyone else does.

Everyone puts on

a show for Felix.

So I'm sorry that...

(STAMMERS)

my performance

wasn't good enough.

I think...

I think you need

to see somebody.

You need help, okay?

Seriously.

No. No, I don't.

I just need you to understand

how much I f*cking love you.

You're the only friend

I ever had, Felix.

Okay...

I mean, doesn't this

just prove how much,

how much of a good friend

I actually am?

How well I actually know you?

I'm still the same person.

Yeah?

I'm still the same person.

I don't know what you are.

But I do know you,

you make my f*cking blood

run cold.

(SOMBRE MUSIC PLAYING)

Wait there a sec.

(GAGS)

OLIVER: f*ck. Ah.

(VOMITING)

-Better?

-f*ck you.

FELIX: I think

you should go to bed.

I don't care

what you think any more.

(SIGHING) Oh, f*ck.

(SOMBRE MUSIC

CONTINUES PLAYING)

(SNIFFLING SOFTLY)

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

ELSPETH: (DISTANTLY) Felix!

VENETIA: (DISTANTLY) Felix!

SIR JAMES: Felix!

Felix!

(DISTANT THUDDING)

(SNIFFLES)

(FOREBODING MUSIC PLAYING)

OLIVER: You don't need

to be told, do you?

You already know.

You're just turning the handle

on a jack in the box.

Walking towards

the end of the world.

Knowing that any second...

the ground

was gonna fall away.

(ELSPETH SCREAMING)

It's the end of everything.

Darling, darling boy.

-My darling boy.

-(BOTH CRYING)

Help me move him.

We need to get him inside.

Get him warm.

(GRUNTING)

(PANTING)

I just need

to get him warmed up.

Felix, darling,

where's your jumper?

Hmm?

Where's your jumper?

(VENETIA CRYING)

Come on now! Help me.

I don't think

we can move him, James.

I think... I think the police.

Yes.

Yes, come away, darling.

It's nearly lunch.

Yes.

(MUMBLING INDISTINCTLY)

(CUTLERY CLINKING)

What is it, Duncan?

DUNCAN: It's the police,

Your Ladyship.

They're having trouble.

What kind of trouble?

They keep getting lost

in the maze.

(FARLEIGH SCOFFS)

SIR JAMES: And?

(WHISPERS) May I send

one of the gardeners

-to assist them, sir?

-Fine.

(DOOR CLOSES)

Oliver, darling.

Why don't you tell us

about last night?

-Last night?

-ELSPETH: Mmm.

Did you have a lovely time?

Yeah, it was, er, wonderful.

-Thank you.

-ELSPETH: Oh, good.

I think it was a hit.

Don't you, darling?

Oh, yes, a triumph.

ELSPETH: Yes. The house

looked good, didn't it?

-SIR JAMES: Beautiful.

-And that cake was...

ELSPETH: Oh, did you like it?

-Mm-hmm.

-I never had any in the end.

That's always the way,

isn't it?

You end up running around

so much

you miss the actual party.

What now?

May I be permitted

to close the curtains, sir?

Sir, the coroner's outside

and may need

to pass the window with...

Yes, thank you. Close them.

I don't normally

like chocolate cake.

Yes, it can be cloying,

can't it?

Mmm, but last night

it was so light.

ELSPETH: Yes, Lynn has always

been an expert with cakes.

Yes, cold hands, apparently.

You have to have cold hands.

-OLIVER: Mm-hmm, I've heard.

-(CURTAIN ROD THUDDING)

So the butter doesn't melt.

ELSPETH: Although

I would think

that applied more

to pastry than to...

Duncan, just get them closed,

for Christ's sake!

DUNCAN: Yes, I am trying, sir.

I can't.

-(DRAWING CURTAIN)

-I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry.

(MUFFLED SOB)

(GURNEY SQUEAKING OUTSIDE)

(SIGHS)

(BREATHING SHAKILY)

(GAGGING)

-(MUFFLED SOBBING)

-(GROANS)

-FARLEIGH: Oh, my God.

-(FOOTSTEPS RECEDING)

(DOOR SLAMS SHUT)

Er, may I be excused, please?

No, we haven't finished lunch.

Lunch is cold.

You want me just to eat it

like nothing's happening?

What else is there to do,

darling?

-Anything! Anything!

-(YELLING) Farleigh!

Will you be quiet?

Sit down

and eat the bloody pie!

Just eat it!

Eat it and shut up!

Eat the bloody pie!

(COUGHING AND SOBBING)

You're not the only person

here with feelings.

None of us wants

your bloody American feelings.

I think it's delicious.

(SNIFFLES)

FARLEIGH: What the f*ck

are you still doing here?

Wait, does no one else

find it weird?

No one else finds that weird?

I wouldn't throw stones

if I was you, Farleigh.

-FARLEIGH: Excuse me?

-Please stop.

-SIR JAMES: What is he saying?

-I... I have no idea.

What I'm saying

is I would feel guilty too.

-Guilty?

-OLIVER: If I was the one

racking up lines

the night someone d*ed.

-f*ck you.

-That's not a denial.

Is that true?

Search Farleigh's room.

-Yes, sir.

-No.

Get out!

-(DOOR CLOSES)

-(SOBBING) No, wait...

-Erm...

-What's happening?

Aunt Elspeth... Elspeth...

Don't you dare look at her!

Get out!

I won't mention this

to the police.

That's all you'll get.

Nothing more,

ever again.

(FARLEIGH BREATHING HEAVILY)

(DOOR OPENS, CLOSES)

( LORD OF ALL HOPEFULNESS

PLAYING)

Lord of all hopefulness

Lord of all joy

Whose trust,

Ever child-like

No cares could destroy

Be there at our waking

And give us, we pray

Your bliss in our hearts,

Lord

At the break of the day

Lord of all eagerness

SIR JAMES: See you back

at the house, Oliver.

Lord of all faith

Whose strong hands

Were skilled

At the plane and the lathe

Be there at our labours

And give us, we pray

(STONE SPLASHES)

Your strength in our hearts,

Lord

At the noon of the day

Lord of all kindliness

Lord of all grace

Your hands swift

To welcome

Your arms to embrace

Be there at our homing

And give us, we pray

Your love in our hearts,

Lord

At the eve of the day

Lord of all gentleness

Lord of all calm

Whose voice is contentment

Whose presence is balm

Be there at our sleeping

And give us, we pray

Your peace in our hearts,

Lord

At the end of the day

(SOBBING)

(RAIN PATTERING)

(MOANING SOFTLY)

(CRYING)

SIR JAMES: The vicar did well.

ELSPETH: (SNIFFLING) Yes,

so much nicer than his father.

Oh, he was all right.

Just a little old fashioned.

Extremely old fashioned.

Do you remember

Felix's christening?

-Mm-hmm.

-"You can't possibly

"have River as a middle name."

Do you remember?

Hm. (CHUCKLING) I remember

you giving him what for.

It doesn't matter now.

It doesn't matter

what his middle name is now.

-Darling.

-ELSPETH: He was right.

River is quite silly.

But I suppose you don't pick

your child's name

imagining that one day

you'll have to think about

how it will look...

carved on a...

(INHALES SHAKILY) headstone.

Choose a font.

What font did you choose?

Times New Roman.

On local stone.

-It'll be good, I think.

-Yeah, yeah.

It's a good choice. Solid.

(CHUCKLES BITTERLY)

I'll leave you.

You're not going anywhere,

Oliver, darling?

I was just going upstairs.

But you're not leaving us?

You're not leaving Saltburn?

(WATER SPLASHES)

(DOOR OPENS)

Ah, sorry.

Your politeness is so grating.

-Do you know that?

-Erm, sorry?

You're always sorry.

Always flinching away

like a little f*cking...

serf.

I saw you.

Sobbing in the church

at the funeral.

I watched you weeping away

and I just...

I felt so sorry for you.

So sorry.

And then I remembered...

(CHUCKLING)

and I started laughing.

(LAUGHING)

I just...

(CONTINUES LAUGHING)

I just couldn't stop laughing

because I...

I remembered that...

that you only knew him for...

six months?

(SOFTLY)

You hardly knew him, Ollie.

You have nothing to do

with him, with us,

with here.

Nothing at all.

You're just a stranger.

-It's very late.

-Yet, here you are.

Right in the middle of it all.

Ooh.

Stranger f*cking danger.

-(CHUCKLES)

-Yeah, I'm going to bed.

Ollie, you know...

You know what

Daddy's starting to call you?

Spiderman.

-Really?

-Because you're always

just skulking around.

Weaving your spider-y,

Oliver-y web.

Good night.

Drink some water...

Hey, Ollie, Ollie,

don't be upset.

I don't think you're a spider.

I think you're a moth.

I'm right, aren't I?

Quiet...

harmless...

drawn to shiny things...

batting up against

the window...

just desperate to get in.

Well, you've done it now.

You've made your holes

in everything.

You'll eat us

from the inside out.

-You've drunk way too much.

-Yeah.

Hm.

Isn't that his aftershave?

Hm?

You are a f*cking freak.

I bet you're wearing

his underwear too, aren't you?

Yeah.

You disgusting little nobody.

Oh, my God!

You ate him right up

and you licked

the f*cking plate!

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

(SOBBING QUIETLY)

It broke her completely.

She said it herself.

She couldn't live without him.

Thank you

for coming to see me.

Is everything all right?

Er...

How long were you planning

on staying with us?

Because Elspeth

won't let you go.

(SIGHS) Erm, I'm happy to stay

-as long as she needs me to.

-Very kind of you.

But I'm not sure

that's good for her or us.

I think it's time, Oliver,

for you to go home

discreetly tonight,

to cause her

the least anxiety.

I hope you understand.

I'd go in a heartbeat

if I could.

I just don't think

I can leave her in this state.

Well...

It would be best if the family

was able to grieve in private.

Oh, I...

I understand, I agree.

I agree.

But I just think

it's best if I stay

just for the time being.

I want to do

what's right for her.

You won't go?

I don't see how I can.

(SIGHS)

(OPENS DRAWER)

What are you doing?

-How much?

-Excuse me?

How much for you to leave

and never come back?

To cease all contact

with my wife?

-Why?

-Because we all

have to move on.

-(SIGHS)

-I know you live under

somewhat

difficult circumstances,

but this will be a fresh start

for you too.

Why are you doing this?

(SOFTLY) How much?

How much? (GASPS)

How much?

(OLIVER SIGHS)

(SOMBRE MUSIC PLAYING)

(SNIFFLES)

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

(KEYS JANGLING)

-(CARD MACHINE BEEPS)

-WOMAN: Thanks.

(PEOPLE TALKING INDISTINCTLY)

Oliver.

-Oliver.

-Elspeth.

-My God.

-Oh, Ollie!

Oh, how handsome you look!

I can't believe it.

But you're all grown up,

you're...

Of course, you're grown up.

Of course, silly of me,

of course.

You grew up.

-(SIGHS)

-Sorry.

I'm all over the place

at the moment.

I... I read the news

about Sir James.

I'm so dreadfully sorry.

I was surprised

he waited so long in a way.

You know...

But still it was a...

a terrible shock.

Yeah.

It's so funny to see you.

I've actually just bought

a little flat nearby.

Oh, what are the odds?

Saltburn suddenly seemed

so big and so far away.

How is Saltburn?

Er, is Duncan still there?

Oh, God, he's still there.

Oh, everything's the same.

Exactly, exactly the same

as when you left it.

I'm glad. (CHUCKLES SOFTLY)

Ollie, I didn't like it

the way James treated you,

and I wanted to say something.

Oh, it was a long time ago.

No, but it's not to me.

You see,

I've thought about it a lot.

And...

you have to remember

that he wasn't

in his right mind then,

after everything

that happened.

And he...

You do forgive him,

you do understand?

Of course.

Have you been happy?

Not really.

You?

(CHUCKLES SADLY) Not really.

WOMAN: Flat white.

(SOMBRE MUSIC PLAYING)

Come up and stay.

At Saltburn.

Coast is clear now, isn't it?

(DOOR CLOSES)

I can honestly say

that these last few months

have been the happiest

of my life.

It's just such a shame

you got so ill.

(VENTILATOR HISSING)

But it's been a privilege

to look after you.

(ELSPETH WHEEZING)

Just as it'll be a privilege

to look after Saltburn.

So thank you for trusting me.

I promise

I'll look after this house

just as Felix would have.

We got there in the end,

didn't we?

Somehow.

Thank God.

After all those terrible,

terrible accidents.

(SIGHS)

But...

is there really

ever such a thing

as an accident, Elspeth?

-(CLICKS BUTTON)

-I don't know.

(BED WHIRRING)

Accidents are for people

like you.

For the rest of us,

there's work.

And unlike you,

I actually know how to work.

(THRILLING INSTRUMENTAL

MUSIC PLAYING)

(AIR HISSING)

(COINS CLATTERING)

OLIVER: Please, I...

I don't have any money.

Could I just pay you tomorrow?

What actually happened?

FELIX: He sent an email

to Sotheby's

to say that he'd "come by"

some Palissy plates.

(KEYS CLACKING)

ELSPETH: I've actually just

bought a little flat nearby.

Oliver.

I wasn't "in love" with him.

I know,

everyone thought I was.

But I wasn't.

I loved him.

I loved him.

I loved him.

By God, I loved him.

But sometimes...

I...

I hated him.

(THRILLING INSTRUMENTAL

MUSIC INTENSIFIES)

(RAIN PATTERING)

-(BED THUDS)

-I hated him.

(SIGHS)

Yeah, I hated him.

(BED CREAKING)

I hated all of you.

And you made it so easy.

Spoiled dogs,

sleeping belly-up.

No natural predators.

Well...

almost none.

(AIR HISSING OUT)

(ELSPETH GASPING SOFTLY)

(MUSIC FADES)

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

(BEES BUZZING)

(m*rder ON THE DANCEFLOOR

PLAYING)

It's m*rder

on the dance floor

You'd better not

k*ll the groove, DJ

Gonna burn this

g*dd*mn house right down

Oh, I know, I know, I know

I know, I know,

I know, I know

About your kind

And so, and so,

and so, and so

And so, and so, and so

I'll have to play

If you think

you're getting away

I will prove you wrong

I'll take you all the way

Boy, just come along

Hear me when I say

(SNORTS)

Hey

It's m*rder

on the dance floor

But you'd better not

k*ll the groove

Hey, hey, hey, hey

It's m*rder

on the dance floor

But you'd better not

steal the moves, DJ

Gonna burn this

g*dd*mn house right down

Oh, I know, I know, I know

I know, I know,

I know, I know

There may be others

And so, and so, and so

And so, and so,

and so, and so

You'll just have to pray

If you think

you're getting away

I will prove you wrong

I'll take you all the way

Stay another song

I'll blow you all away

Hey

It's m*rder

on the dance floor

But you'd better not

k*ll the groove

Hey, hey, hey, hey

It's m*rder

on the dance floor

But you'd better not

steal the moves, DJ

Gonna burn this

g*dd*mn house right down

(SIGHS)

(MUSIC ENDS)

(OLIVER EXHALES)

(m*rder ON THE DANCEFLOOR

PLAYING)

Don't think

you'll get away

I will prove you wrong

I'll take you all the way

Boy, just come along

Hear me when I say

Hey

It's m*rder

on the dance floor

But you'd better not

k*ll the groove

It's m*rder

on the dance floor

But you'd better not

steal the moves, DJ

Gonna burn this

g*dd*mn house right down

It's m*rder

on the dance floor

But you'd better not

k*ll the groove

Hey, hey, hey, hey

It's m*rder

on the dance floor

But you'd better not

steal the moves, DJ

Gonna burn this

g*dd*mn house right down

It's m*rder

on the dance floor

On the dance floor

But you'd better not

k*ll the groove

Hey, hey, hey, hey

It's m*rder

on the dance floor

On the dance floor

But you'd better not

steal the moves, DJ

Gonna burn this

g*dd*mn house right down

Oh, I know, I know, I know

(MELANCHOLY ORCHESTRAL MUSIC PLAYING)