02x12 - Endangered Liasons/Fumblebums

[bunniefuu]

I'm just heading to the fields, duke.

I'll be back.

Clear!

[Lively hoedown music]

All right!

♪

Rat-a-bamba!

♪ From the haystacks to the hilltops ♪

♪ We go on dancing

♪ To help us do the milking through the night ♪

Ow, ow! Okay, ow.

Ow!

♪ Do si do your partner now ♪

♪

♪ Gonna party till the morning light ♪

♪

♪ Do si do and don't you know ♪

♪ It's just the way we animals roll ♪

[Motor roaring]

Ha ha!

[Upbeat band music]

♪

! ! Eleventy leven!

Hut!

[Triumphant music]

[People cheering]

Yeah, them's my cows!

Taste the milk! Moo!

Otis, you were right.

These masks make really good disguises.

They sure do.

But you know what makes a disguise really work

Is not announcing you're wearing one!

Gotcha.

Kidney stones! Ear wax!

Plantar warts!

Hut!

Oh, that pinches.

[People cheering]

Cows rule! Moo!

Otis sure loves his cows, doesn't he?

Yeah, he's the original superfan.

Pickles! Who wants pickles?

Yo, pickle guy!

Right here! Burn it in!

Whoa! Ah! Whoa!

Ooh! Stair pain!

Ow! Ooh! Ah!

Doh! Whoa! Oof!

[People gasp]

It's all right. I'm good.

Just a little bruising. No big--

Oh.

[People muttering]

A talking cow?

It's clearly talking.

Oh, no, otis has been outed.

Quick, execute operation don't-know-otis.

We don't him. Never met the guy.

I never heard of otis.

Hilly burford here, channel news.

You're a talking cow.

[Laughs] no, I'm not.

That's a preposterous-- there's no such--

I--oh!

Ah, who am I kidding?

Might as well admit it.

I'm a talking--

So how long you been the cows' new mascot?

Mascot. Mascot, yes!

I'm one of those mascot guys.

Watch me mascot.

Go, cows!

[Crowd cheering and whistling]

All right, people. Give me a "c."

Crowd: "c!"

Give me an "o!"

Crowd: "o!"

Now throw stuff on the field

To trip the opposing team!

[Lively band music]

Whoa!

♪

Cows win!

That new mascot has just turned this game around.

We got udders. Yes, we do.

We got udders. How 'bout you?

We got udders, yes, we do!

We got udders, moo, moo, moo!

[Cheers and applause]

Otis, that was amazing.

Yeah. Now let's get out of here.

That is a good idea.

Hold it right there.

I'm a human man!

And I'm coach coachman, coach of the tri-county cows.

My mom wants you to be the cows' new mascot.

Your mom?

Yeah, she owns the team.

She says I'm a big boy.

[Bird shrieks in the distance]

[Whispering] that was weird.

[Cell phone rings] hang on; that's her.

What? Yeah, mom, I just asked him.

[Unintelligible yelling]

He didn't answer yet.

[Prolonged unintelligible yelling]

So what do you say? Do you want to be the mascot?

Sure! Oh, playing hardball, huh?

How about I throw in season tickets for your buddies?

I already said yes.

Aw, dude, you're k*lling me here.

All right, I'll double your salary

And throw in sunday dinner with me and my mommy.

Let me speak to her.

Hi, coach's mommy?

I'll do it!

Pom-poms? Check.

Rainbow wig? Check.

Chanty dan's book of catchy chants? Check.

Bucket of rotten broccoli to throw on opposing team's fans?

Check. We're good.

Otis, we've come to talk you out of this dangerous scheme.

That's weird, 'cause I was going to talk you

Into my dangerous scheme

By becoming the barnyard spirit squad.

Whoo-hoo!

Nuh-uh. Not so much.

Strangely unmoved.

Come on, guys.

Football is the heart of america,

The blood of europe, and the backbone of the equator.

This is our chance to make history.

Now, who's with me?

[Silence]

Mascots eat for free.

All: go, cows!

It's time for the pigskin farm classic.

[Pig squeals]

Cows versus spider monkeys!

Welcome, everybody, to cows football.

We're just five seconds into the first quarter,

And these wacky new mascots already have the crowd going.

[Together] two, four, six, eight!

Who's the team that can lactate?

Yay, cows!

[Crowd cheering]

[Laughs maniacally]

Wow, the old f*ring-the- ferret-from-a-cannon play.

These guys take mascoting to the next level.

Two hours of exciting football later...

The cows are down by two with ten seconds left to play.

They got to win this game to stay alive.

Oh, well. Looks like we're licked.

Cows are never licked.

Pig, secret whispery plan.

[Whispering] whisper, whisper, whisper.

All right, we got them on the ropes.

Let's do this thing!

Yowza.

Folks, I've just received word

That pop star jessica allspice is stepping onto the field.

, , , Hut!

Hello, boys.

Huh?

[All retching]

What is that?

Yes, cows win!

We are going to the championships.

Well, guys, this is it, the big championship game.

[Cell phone rings]yeah, what is it, ma?

But you said I could give the big pep talk.

But it's my job.

Oh, all right.

My mommy wants to give you a message

Of hope and inspiration.

[Mother yelling unintelligibly]

[All exclaiming]

Guys, if we can pull off the animal hexagon,

We'll be mascot legends.

You okay down there, peck?

Yeah, I think so, otis--

As long as no one adds any extra weight.

Pickles here. Get your pickles.

Ooh, I'll take a bunch.

[Knees knocking]

All: whoa!

Huh?

[All yelling]

[All groaning]

Otis!

Coach's mama's not going to like this.

And we'll lose our lucrative sports endorsements.

Hello, I'm pig, co-mascot of the tri-county cows.

And when I'm out there cheering on the field,

I need to stay dry.

That's why I use new snout body spray

With powerful odor-eating enzymes.

Ow, my eyes!

Oh, I can't see!

Someone, help me!

And now try new lady snout spray:

Same great formula, much higher price.

Oh, wait, I lost that contract.

You guys are the worst mascots ever!

[Crowd booing]

My finger.

It hurts.

Dislocated everything.

What have I done?

A mascot is supposed to make the crowd happy,

But I've made them the opposite of that.

Little help.

Otis, that crowd sounds angry.

Maybe we should leave.

You're right. Let's leave before they--

You guys hear that?

It's like a sad, pathetic kind of a--

[Cell phone rings]

Hello?

Yeah, I know, mom. I screwed up.

I know you thought I was a big boy.

It's true; I never do anything right.

You still love me, though, don't you?

Hello? Hello?

Oh, that is so sad.

Yeah. Well, let's go.

Guys, no. We have to do something.

Coach, dry those puffy little eyes.

We're going to win this thing

And make your mommy love you again.

Really?

Will I be a big boy?

You'll be the biggest boy ever.

Oof!

Doh!

Yipe!

Uh...

Folks, this is extraordinary.

It appears that the little mascot people

Are filling in for the injured cow players.

Hey, now, that's what I call

A flippety-flippety-mackadoo- flippety-wacow.

Salami! Pastrami! Pepperoncini! Hike!

[Men roaring]

Oh, man. Gross.

Abby!

Iies! Yes!

Cows score.

Those little mascot people just took themselves

A trolley ride to touchdown town.

Nice work, guys.

Maybe we'll pull this off after all.

Larry, moe, curly, shep! Hike!

Freddy, all you!

Ha ha ha!

No, don't throw it back.

Ooh!

Wow, that's our snout stick play of the day.

Snout stick: smell like a winner.

Hey, I wonder how this tastes on a frankfurter.

♪

[Crowd cheering]

, , ! Hut!

Wow. I did it.

[Crowd gasps]

The cows trail with seconds to go.

Hey, if this game were any more exciting,

I'd have to change my pants.

Yeah, mom, I know we're losing.

Yeah, I know you love sis better.

Constant disappointment-- I hear ya.

[All moaning and groaning]

Otis, it's over.

We've only got ten seconds.

We can do this.

We just need to get our hands on that pigskin.

Pigskin? What are you talking about?

It's what footballs are made out of.

What?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's right, pig.

That ball could be one of your relatives.

[In deep voice] I'll handle this.

[Grunting]

, , ! Hut, hut!

[Yells]

Mommy!

No, no! Stay away!

Yes, yes, you got it!

Now run!

You're safe now, my brother.

Run, pig! What are you waiting for?

[Suspenseful music]

Five seconds left.

Abby, kick him!

Right.

[Whistle blows]

[Cheers and applause]

Cows win. Cows win!

Oh, baby, somebody kiss me.

[All cheering]

Good work, guys.

You made my mom one happy lady.

Glad to help, coach.

Give your mom the game ball.

Aw, thanks. This is really--

I think we should go now.

[Sultry music]

♪

Man, that was the best mustache festival ever.

Oh, totally.

Handlebars rule. You said it.

Got to love lip hair.

Nothing could ruin this perfect mustachioed day.

Sweet cud! What's going on?

Stop! You can't tear down my farm.

Mister, we've been over this.

Sorry, pal.

The world's clamoring for a ,-seat lawn dart stadium,

And this paper with writin' on it says

We can tear down your farm to build it.

Huh? Tear down the farm?

We'll have nowhere to live.

They can't just take our land like that.

Uh, actually, they can.

I've handled many cases just like this.

Hello, I'm barry pigman, attorney-at-law.

Has your property been seized

By a fancy paper with writing on it?

Then call the pigman group.

We'll fight to save your farm

Using hurtful insults and name-calling.

Why sit there and take it when you can sue, sue, sue-ee?

[Telephone rings]

Barry pigman is not a lawyer or a human

And has little or no legal knowledge.

Results may not occur.

I have a rich fantasy life.

Guys, we can't let them take our home.

We've got to stop 'em.

You know, this happened to my uncle manny once.

They stopped building when they found out

His field was an endangered newt habitat.

Too bad we don't have any endangered creatures.

[Dramatically] or do we?

Sure don't. Nope. Don't see one.

All right, listen to my cadence.

[Dramatically] or do we?

We just said we didn't.

You're not listening. Got to go with no.

Just follow me!

I don't get what you're doing.

I'll never let you tear down my farm.

Have it your way.

[Metal creaks]

Okay, I'll go now.

All right, let's trash this place!

Stop!

Who are you?

Lance treehugger, handsome environmentalist.

And you're trespassing on the habitat

Of the last remaining spotted ferret.

There's no such thing.

[Dramatically] oh, isn't there?

No, there isn't.

No, listen to the cadence.

[Dramatically] oh, isn't there?

Is this going somewhere?

Why, in fact it is, good sir.

Akka wakka woo! Akka wakka woo!

Freddy, that's our cue.

What's my motivation?

Here it is. Whoa!

Oh, you're in luck.

He's about to do his territorial dance.

[Upbeat music]

Yes, well done, noble creature.

And so, by the power vested in me by the planet of earth,

I proclaim this farm protected habitat.

Ah, nuts.

We can't build on protected land.

All right, fellas!

Pack it up. Pack it up!

Thanks, environmentalist guy.

No, no, no thanks are needed for these ears.

Thank the spotted ferret.

No problem.

Uh, I mean, akka wakka woo.

Try not to talk.

This just in, folks.

Plans for the county's lawn dart stadium

Have been scrapped following the amazing discovery

Of some sort of crazy spotted weasel.

He's got spots, people. Spots!

How about that?

Great job, team.

We saved the farm.

[All cheering]

Hey, guys, we just got a special delivery from sweden.

Huh? Sweden? Let's look.

I want to pop the bubble wrap.

I wonder what it could be.

Maybe it's french perfume.

Maybe it's swiss cheese.

Guys, guys, those are different countries.

Sweden's in norway.

"Deliver to spotted ferret habitat"?

Whee!

Hello, I am inga.

It is so nice to meeting you!

Whoa.

It's a real one of them spotted whatevers.

Yeah, I thought you made them up, otis.

I thought I did.

Hey, anybody got some spot remover?

I can't get these things to--

There is him. Aah!

Aah!

At last, I have someone to sharing the life with!

Get her off me! Get her off me!

So you're a real spotted ferret?

Ja,my zookeepers hear story on tv and say,

"Ja, god,we be sending inga to making nice companionship."

Co--co--companionship?

Ja,together we are being forever and ever and ever.

You got the wrong idea, sister.

I'm a bachelor, a free spirit.

No one's going to hold me down.

Girl germs!

Oh, not liking the inga, he is?

No, no, no, no.

Freddy's liking the inga. He just--

Is she gone yet?

Would you excuse me?

So, uh, sweden, huh?

Uh, guys, step aside.

I'll make her feel at home.

Oh, inga?

[Speaking fake swedish]

[Gasps]

I deserve that.

Get 'em off me. Get 'em off me!

Freddy, what the heck are you doing?

Otis, I'm not ready for a commitment.

I want to keep my options open.

Dude, what options? Exactly.

I mean, no! You can't blow inga off.

Why?

Because if her zookeepers find out

You two aren't together, they'll know something's up,

And we'll lose our protected status,

And then it's bye-bye, farm.

Plus, she's a girl who talks to you.

Not helping. Please, freddy?

You got to pretend to like her.

Do it for the barnyard.

Well, as long as it doesn't interfere

With my fast-living bachelor lifestyle.

It won't.

All right.

Bathe her, and bring her to me.

Uh, it doesn't really work that way.

Oh, I hate dating.

[Birds chirping]

[Despondently] hi, inga.

Oh, hello, freddy.

You can't tie me down!

I mean, what you doin'?

It's okay, freddy.

You don't have to be liking me.

Look, inga, you seem nice, but I just don't know

If I'm looking for a girlfriend right now.

I am understanding.

Well, if you will be excusing me,

I'm going to listen to sad music on my flabba cds.

You--you like flabba?

Ja,they are being

My favorite pop rock dance music band ever.

Mine too!

I like to listen to them when I make festive doily art.

I, too, make the festive doilies.

Really? Ja.

Ja? Ja.

Ja? Ja.

Ja? Ja.

Get out of sweden!

I did.

[To tune of dancing queen] ♪ tra la la

♪ Tra la lee

♪ Love comes and changes your life ♪

♪ Ooh, let it in

♪ See it through

♪ Tra la la loo loo

♪

♪ Tra la la loo loo

♪

Gin!

Uh, pig, we're playing poker.

Uh, poker!

[Freddy singing]

♪

Well, if it isn't our endangered spotted lover boy.

Ooh! Kissy kissy!

Hey, romeo!

Guys, I was wrong about inga.

She's amazing.

We love the same music, we both make doily art,

And we both have a disturbing craving to eat peck.

[Panting] it's true.

We're so happy for you, freddy.

Yeah, that's great, freddy. Awesome, dude.

In fact, I want you guys to be the first to know

That we're eloping later today.

What? Congratulations!

That's great. Wow. Nice.

Well, gotta go gussy up.

Inga's building our commitment den as we speak.

Oh, I'm the happiest ferret on earth.

Good luck, dude!

I give it two weeks, tops.

Could you please be supportive?

As long as they're together, the barnyard's safe.

Hey, you guys want to go on the farmer's computer

And get a wedding gift?

Great idea. Let's get 'em a savings bond.

Maybe a pizza. Or his-and-her towels.

Some electroshock. Or a nice salad bowl.

Okay, here's a spotted ferret website.

Awesome. What does it say?

Let's see.

It's says on her wedding day,

The lady spotted ferret builds a commitment den.

[Together] aw!

Then the male gussies himself

For the ceremonial courtship dance.

[Together] aw!

Following the dance, she eats her mate's head.

Okay, what are we going to get them?

Holy cud, she's going to eat freddy's head!

Huh. So I guess a hat's out.

No wonder she's the only spotted ferret left.

She's a head eater!

Come on; we got to find that commitment den.

Maybe a toaster.

Doh!

Freddy! Where are you?

Yoo-hoo! Hello? Freddy!

Come out. Come out, wherever you are.

Listen, listen. Over there.

[Organ playing bridal chorus]

It sounds like the ceremony's already begun.

This is terrible; we can't show up without a gift.

To the mall!

Come on!

♪

With this ring, I pledge my love.

With this barbecue sauce, I pledge my love.

I love your quaint old-world customs.

So are we married yet?

Almost.

There's only one more part of the ceremony.

[File squeaking]

[Snarls]

Freddy! Hold on to your head!

[Inga screams]

Guys, what are you doing?

The reception's not till later.

There won't be a reception; female spotted ferrets eat

Their mates' heads on their wedding night!

Look, marriage is all about compromise.

You give a little; she eats your head...

[All scream]

It's okay!

Just a little love bite.

Grab him!

Come on!

Dude, she has lockjaw.

Abby, quick, the spot remover!

[Grunts] now!

Are we married yet? Huh?

Freddy, you're not being a spotted ferret.

You lied to me!

Inga, I can explain.

No! The wedding's off.

And to think I almost ate your head.

[Sobbing]

Baby, don't go.

I can change.

Freddy, she was eating your head.

We were working through that.

Hey, where's the happy couple?

We got you a panini press.

[Sobbing]

I knew I should have gotten the fondue set.

Here I am carrying inga over the threshold.

[Together] aw!

And here she is eating my head.

[Together] ew!

Sorry things didn't work out for you guys, freddy.

Ah, that's okay.

For a brief and shining moment, I got to experience true love.

And now I know what a spleen looks like.

Hey, that's the spirit. Good for you.

What a trouper. Good attitude, my friend.

But, otis, if we don't have a spotted ferret,

What happens to our "endangered" status?

Got it covered.

Right, rare peruvian devil chicken?

Bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk.

[Coughs]