07x19 - Woman Who Came To Sugarbakers, The

[bunniefuu]

That woman has been here for three weeks...

And that has been three and a half weeks too long.

We have to say something to Julia about this.

Say something to Julia about what?

By the way, Mrs. Beecham has asked

that y'all hold it down between the hours of : and :.

That's her reading time.

Julia, we know that this lady used to be your headmistress

and you've kept up with all these years,

but she's driving all of us crazy!

I admit Mrs. Beecham is overbearing

and meddlesome and about as welcome a house guest

as Hannibal Lecter,

but she slaps me on the back to correct my posture

times a week,

but I just don't let it get to me.

Good morning, everyone!

ALL: Good morning, Mrs. Beecham.

B.J. Poteet, with all the money I'm told you have,

it would seem to me that you would stand a little taller.

My mama used to tell me

that good posture was the backbone to a solid life.

Oh!

And thank you

for that spine-tingling revelation, Carlene.

Carlene, you must learn to assert yourself.

Now you go over there and tell her

you won't stand for it.

I...I can't do that.

Tell her!

Ow.

Ahem!

I won't stand for it!

I'm sorry. She made me say that.

I'm so sorry.

Good girl! Good girl.

Of course I suppose one can't expect any more

from someone with your lack of sophistication.

You know, Mrs. Beecham,

Carlene's down-home quality

is something we all find refreshing.

It's something we all enjoy.

You know what I enjoy?

As if we'd care.

Stop right there, sister.

You can peck at the chickens,

but don't mess with the mother hen.

Do I have to listen to this barnyard babble

from this silly old goose?

That does it. Let's take this outside.

Hold me back.

I'm going to knock her block off.

Bernice, Bernice.

You know, my dear, you are just far too tolerant.

That's always been one of your shortcomings.

Now, take Mary Jo, for instance.

Now, if I had a colleague that was as indecisive as she is,

well, I would just have to tell her about it.

Now, that is not a criticism, Mary Jo.

That's just an observation.

You know, actually, there are some things

that I'm very decisive about.

For instance, I'm absolutely positive

that you would be much better off...

Mary Jo.

Sitting in a more comfortable location.

Well, like where, dear?

Bosnia.

She's got to go!

Julia, she is ruining our business.

Get rid of her!

Was that assertive enough, do you think?

Please be a little patient.

Since her husband d*ed last year,

she's been floundering.

I know she doesn't look it,

but she's really very fragile.

[SCOFFS] Right. So's Marge Schott.

Well, fragile as she may be,

she is driving us all crazy,

just like she did her husband.

She drove him crazy, you know.

He was seeing a psychiatrist.

Old Beechnut herself said so,

like she was proud of it or something.

Mary Jo, normal people do go to psychiatrists.

I know the one Mr. Beecham went to.

She's well-respected and very expensive,

so you know she must be good.

Say, do you think that doctor

would be able to advise us

on how to get her to leave?

I'm not totally blind to what's going on around here,

the way it's affecting all of us.

Julia, why don't you just say to her,

"Get the hell out my house"?

I have been trying to say that in so many words for three weeks.

I've been hinting, I've been doing everything

short of throwing her into a running taxi.

But it is a little hard

when someone is convinced

that the voice of her dead husband

came to her in a seance

and commanded her to go to Julia Sugarbaker's.

[GASPS]

Huh.

You mean that's why she's here? JULIA: Yes.

Julia, that is the ticket.

We can have a seance,

and then we'll have her husband

tell her to go home.

I don't think so.

You have a better idea?

What's the name of that psychiatrist?

B.J.: I mean, who better to ask

about how to get rid of Mrs. Beecham

Than the woman who knew her dead husband best...

His psychiatrist?

She's not here.

I guess we should wait.

Mrs. Clifton, I know we said

we'd get you back to Sugarbaker's right away,

but it's gonna be just a little while.

That's all right, dear.

I'm not crazy about that bitchy woman that's staying with you.

It's Beecham, Bernice, the Beecham woman.

I think I'm right.

JULIA: Would you look at this?

Where do they get these Italian models?

Does the law of gravity not work in Italy?

You know, I just had a thought.

What would happen if somebody I know

sees me here?

That's all I need

for somebody to think I'm schizophrenic

or manic depressive or paranoid.

B.J., that is paranoid.

Well, there you go. I diagnosed myself.

I don't need a psychiatrist.

Excuse me. Are you here to see the doctor?

She is. She is.

It's my first time here.

I have an appointment.

Is it all right if I go in and wait?

B.J.: Be my guest.

Thank you.

Excuse me.

Yes?

I'm Carol Parker.

Where would you like me to sit?

I don't care.

Mrs. Stone recommended you.

She said you're the best.

Oh, I am the best.

But I don't know a Mrs. Stone.

I get it.

Patient confidentiality.

Uh...

I'll try to get right to it.

I have trouble communicating.

Sorry. I don't understand you.

See, my husband left me almost a year ago.

I'm still completely devastated.

I...I can't eat. I can't work.

I cry and I cry myself to sleep.

I end up screaming his name out

all night long.

So what's your point?

My point?

I'm in pain.

Listen, sister, I've got a corn on my foot

the size of Baltimore.

Now, that's pain.

I'm not sure I understand your methods.

I mean, this is all kind of...

Well...

Strange.

You're calling me strange?

I'm not the one who came in here

bellyaching about crying and not eating or sleeping.

Hey, I'm sleeping like a baby.

Well...

Is there anything you can tell me

that I can take with me to think about?

Okay.

My late husband stuck a pencil in his eye

and had to wear an eye patch.

That night we went to a D movie,

and I wondered...

Did he see only D?

I get it.

I think.

It's like a zen riddle...

The sound of one hand clapping.

The sound of one hand clapping?

Sister, you're as crazy as a loon.

[SIGHS]

Bernice?

B.J., Where's Bernice?

Well, she was here a minute ago.

You're certainly unconventional,

but I must admit I do feel better.

Thank you, doctor.

Doctor? Doctor?

And for the sound of one hand clapping,

try dr*gs.

Well, she's finally taking a nap,

thank goodness.

What is going on in here?

It's seance time, Julia.

It was the spirit world that told her to come,

and it's the spirit world that's gonna tell her to leave.

I can't believe y'all are going to go through with this.

We have no other choice.

We got nothing from that visit to the psychiatrist.

Oh, I got something.

Bernice, what is that? Let me see that.

"Irwin Beecham, personal..."

Oh, no, Bernice.

This is personal and confidential.

Give me that.

No, I will not! Give it...!

We're sending it back immediately.

I'm so sorry. You're right.

I don't know what I was thinking.

Well...

Sucker.

Hold her.

Sorry, Julia. These are desperate times.

Ooh!

Wow!

His nickname for her was "Bubbles."

"Bubbles." Yeah, that's what I would've thought.

This'll be great to use during the seance.

Let me have that.

This is illegal,

and this seance is ridiculous.

Oh, get with the program, Julia!

No, thank you, Mary Jo.

But you all go right ahead,

and if for some reason

you should leave your bodies,

make sure you pick them up when you're all done.

You're lost, Julia, 'cause the spirits

are going to be flying high tonight.

Ooh!

Okay, first we put our hands on the table.

Now, when we actually do it,

we'll lower the lights,

get a real spooky mood kind of thing.

Then I will do a ramptha thing,

Go into a...a...a trance.

And then, when I say...

"Are you the spirit of darkness

"or the spirit of light?" [LAUGHS]

Flashlights under chins.

Ooh, special effects. I love this.

[ELECTRICITY CRACKLING]

Uh-oh. He's already here,

and this is just the rehearsal.

Relax, Carlene. It's not Irwin. It's a short circuit.

I thought I had the thing fixed but I guess I'll have to check it again.

When I say...

[HIGH-PITCHED VOICE] "The next voice you hear

"will be the voice of your husband..."

That's your cue to say...

"Edna...

You must go home."

Ooh, Mary Jo, that's good.

All right.

Have you all just completely lost your minds?

I'll put a stop to this right now.

Mrs. Beecham, would you come out here for a second?

I'm just going to tell her she's worn out her welcome

and she's going to have to go.

In my day,

if a lady bellowed like that,

her tongue was tied with sewing thread

until she learned to speak like a lady.

I'll bet you miss those old days, don't you?

Mrs. Beecham, we need to talk.

That is to say I need to talk. You need to listen.

You know how important you've always been to me,

so this doesn't come easily.

I just hope you'll accept it

with the love and respect with which it's intended.

Your time is up.

You've worn out your welcome.

Go home.

No.

What?

I am home.

I came because Irwin told me to.

And I now realize he sent me here for a reason...

Not for you to take care of me,

but for me to take care of you.

You know, when I arrived here,

everything was completely disorganized,

but now we are running a tight ship!

Hit the lights!

Well, well, what's going on?

We're having a seance. Isn't that exciting?

Mrs. Beecham, you may not know that our B.J. here is a world famous medium.

I've never heard of her.

As long as the spirits have.

Okay, now, put hands on table,

close your eyes,

take a deep breath,

[ALL INHALE]

...and relax. [ALL EXHALE]

[HIGH-PITCHED VOICE] Spirit...

If you can hear me,

knock three times.

Did anybody hear anything?

BERNICE: I did.

I think it was the sound of one hand clapping.

And this is the sound

of one woman leaving a seance.

This is the hokiest seance I've ever seen in my life.

Please don't go away, Mrs. Beecham.

The best is yet to come.

Spirit of darkness, spirit of light.

What's next, you put flashlights to your chins?

This is a travesty!

I've never seen anything like...

Wait, Mrs. Beecham...

I...I feel something coming.

It...it's a voice.

It...it...it sounds like...

Ohh...

Baubles...

Bangles...

Bugles...

Bubbles!

Is there a "bubbles" in the house?

What did you say?

Baubles...Bangles...

No, no, that last part.

"Bubbles."

Well, that is uncanny.

That is what Irwin used to call me.

Nobody knows it. Nobody!

Oh! Ooh!

Something is happening!

Mrs. Beecham, I can feel his presence.

He's...he's with us!

[HIGH-PITCHED VOICE] The next voice you hear

will be that of your dead,

dearly departed Irwin.

Irwin, tell me what to do!

Don't move. Stay right where you are.

Yes, Irwin, I will. I'll stay here forever!

Why are you all doing, sitting around

in the middle of the day for?

I've already had a two-mile walk,

read the paper from cover-to-cover,

and just replanted the bougainvillea at the edge of the patio

this time, to face the sun.

Mrs. Beecham, something so exciting has happened.

It's just a wonderful opportunity.

For all of us.

The head of personnel at a large corporation

has told us he's looking for someone with uncommon abilities,

and, naturally, we thought of you.

And why wouldn't you?

Look how I've whipped this place into shape.

Well, we think that you

would be almost perfect.

Almost perfect?

Now, Mrs. Beecham, you know in today's job market

intelligence, strength, and ability

are not enough.

One has to have other qualities now, like charm...

And flexibility...

And humility.

And great knockers don't hurt.

I am not going to change for anyone!

And I am appalled you'd even suggest it!

Now, Mrs. Beecham, we're simply saying

we want to bring out another part of your personality

we know is in there...

Somewhere.

Why don't we start with your entrance?

You're coming into the room

to meet your interviewer for the first time,

and Anthony will be the interviewer.

I will?

Ow! All right, I will.

Why don't you please come in and have a seat.

You see? A gentleman would rise when a lady enters the room.

You're fired. Get out!

Mrs. Beecham...

Charm.

Remember charm.

Walk into the room with grace,

with a relaxed confidence.

Waft.

I'm not a wafter.

Try.

Ta-ta...

Ta-ta...

Ta-ta...

Ta-ta, ta-ta, ta-ta.

Ta-ta...

Ta-ta...

How am I doing?

I thought you were Ginger Rogers.

I thought you were Kenny Rogers.

Okay, now I'm just going to ask you

a few easy questions.

Mrs. Beecham...

Why are you qualified for this job?

How dare you interrogate me?

Do you think I'd be sitting here...

Charm, Mrs. Beecham.

Remember to be charming.

How dare you interrogate me?

That's good. That's a good start,

but remember you have to change your thought

as well as your tone.

Two hours and ticking.

Ready?

Mm-hmm.

For the jackpot...

Are you a team player?

I am a team captain!

Flexibility, Mrs. Beecham!

Of course I could be wrong. All right!

See? There you go.

But I am not.

All of you are.

And I find this insulting.

Who I am has been good enough

down through these years.

And I know it's going to be good enough for that employer,

who's going to have the good fortune

to be interviewing me!

Give me that address!

Good luck!

Aaahh!

Oh, Mrs. Beecham, are you all right?

Well, why shouldn't I be?

I got the job.

You did?

Of course I did. I'm proud to say

that I got it on the strength of my own personality.

I didn't have to change a thing.

[GASPS] Well, what's the job?

I'll be running a boot camp for g*ng members.

[ALL EXCLAIMING]

Congratulations.

Yeah.

Well, that is the good news,

and here is the bad news.

Julia, I hope you won't be too upset about this,

but the job is in Detroit.

Detroit's great.

It's Motown!

Motor city.

Far away!

Well...

Mrs. Beecham, I'm going to miss you.

I'm sure you all will.

I'm choking up already.

Well, Julia, you know, I have always said

that giving too much praise is not good for one's character,

but I just want to thank you

for all you've done.

I mean, letting me come in here

and helping me get this job

and being my friend.

Well...

Well, thank you for saying that.

Mrs. Beecham, I love you, too.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

Now!

I have one more thing to do

before I leave.

I am going to clear up that wiring problem.

Shouldn't take a minute.

That won't take me any three days.

I hope that job is in downtown Detroit.

MARY JO: By the way, Julia,

Mrs. Beecham wanted me to give you these...

Tips on how to be efficient.

Efficient.

Hmm. "More efficient.

"Number one, rise at a.m.

"Number two, rugged hike

for three miles before breakfast."

Hmm...

I don't think so.

Woo! Aah!