07x20 - Lying Game, The

[bunniefuu]

[OPENING THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

Hey, y'all. ALL: Hi!

You remember Eric?

How have you been?

I'm good. I've been great.

Oh, and I brought something for you.

After our conversation the last time,

I thought that you might enjoy this.

Well, Southern Suffragettes: Ringing in the Belles.

How nice. Thank you.

Anthony, you were right about that workout.

If I--If I visualize the muscles as I'm doing it,

it really helps to push me through that last rep.

Yeah. Don't I know it. Check this out.

Oh. How about that? Look at that.

ANTHONY: Not bad. [CHUCKLES]

Uh, I got to call my secretary.

Do you mind if I use the phone?

Well, you can use the one right there.

Well, isn't he just as great as the last time?

He's like fine wine, Carlene, better with every week.

Oh, honey, I could drink a case of him.

Whoo!

He's so perfect for me, y'all.

And I've never had so much fun,

that includes trips to Dollywood.

Sorry, I, uh,

I'm in the middle of a big case.

My client asked his wife what she wanted for her birthday

and she said a divorce.

I think he was hoping for something a little less expensive.

I'm gonna tell them that.

Do you know what Eric has on his car?

He has a bumper sticker that says,

"Lawyers have better briefs." [LAUGHS]

That's how we met.

'Cause I was driving in front of him,

and I was trying to read it in my rear-view mirror,

except my rear-view mirror says,

"objects are closer than the appear,"

So, uh, he rear-ended me.

It was so romantic.

You know, Ted and I met in a very romantic way.

He accidentally bumped his arm into me

and he said, "Well, if your heart is as soft as your body,

I'm sure you'll forgive me."

Aw.

And I said, "If the rest of your body

is as hard as your elbow, here's my phone number."

Speaking of phone numbers,

I've got the phone number for the box office

where we were going to get season tickets.

Yeah. Here it is.

Well, I told you that I'm gonna have to see if I can schedule it in.

[STAMMERS] Eric's real busy.

As a matter of fact, three nights a week

I don't even get to see him.

So we're going to take a nice, little weekend vacation away,

Just the two of us.

Well, we are still talking about it.

I have got to go.

I'm sorry.

It's been great to see y'all again.

Y'all get more lovely and entertaining each time.

I'll walk out with you, Eric, okay?

Great. Bye-bye.

ALL: Bye!

I think our Carlene

has found herself a nice young man.

I'm so glad she's happy.

I don't trust him.

He's likable and charming.

Why would you not trust him?

Didn't you notice that every time Carlene brought up future plans,

he finessed his way out of them.

He won't see her three nights out of the week,

No weekend getaway.

Well, I don't call that conclusive.

Fine, but I hold to my theory.

Well, until Eric becomes a category on Jeopardy!,

I'd like to remind you

that Mr. Reynolds is coming tomorrow.

and we have to have all that paperwork done.

And I saw his file right here on Carlene's desk.

Now, would you look at that?

Eric left his day runner.

Oh, would you hurry up? Bet you can still catch him.

Yes, that's one choice.

B.J.!

Well, I was just thinking maybe we could, uh,

you know, look through it

and just see what we can see.

He's gonna walk back in here and bust you.

Cover me. Okay.

B.J., if you look at that day runner,

It's gonna just make you seem like a snoop.

I'll lose all respect for you.

Deal.

They're kissing. You better make it quick.

B.J., Give me that.

Give it!

Fine. Let's see, here's a receipt from the...

Marigold dress shop?

Made out to Mrs. Eric Hobart.

Let me see that.

Mrs. Eric Hobart? He's a married man?

Carlene is in love with a married man?

Red alert! Here she comes.

Somebody's gonna have to tell her.

I will.

No, Bernice.

Nobody's going to say anything.

All we have now are our suspicions.

Anyway, the first thing, we'd have to do is confront Eric.

Listen, when she comes in, nobody says boo to Carlene.

Isn't he great?

Boo!

Did you call Eric? What did he say?

Well, I told him he'd better come over here right away.

We had something very important to discuss with him.

And he started making excuses.

First, he said he was on his way to a meeting.

Married.

Then he said he'd have to change his clothes.

He's married and a messy eater.

Then I finally told him we found the receipt.

Big, long silence.

And he said, "Well, I won't change my clothes.

I'll just come right on over."

So what's the plan?

The plan is, if we find out that he is married,

we'll let him know, in no uncertain terms,

that he is the slime of the earth,

that he ought to be quarantined on a desert island

with nothing for entertainment

but an album of Pavarotti singing It's a Small World.

And if he isn't married?

B.J., You're the one who said he was.

Anyway, what else could he be?

B.J...

It's Eric.

Look, I know what you're thinking,

so let me explain.

First of all...

I'm not gay.

I'm a heterosexual guy

who just happens to enjoy dressing up in women's clothes.

Well, uh...

That's just what we were thinking.

Uh, so have a seat. Where are our manners? [CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]

Uh, can we get you anything? Uh, tea?

Coffee?

Tea would be fine. I'll get it.

Oh, I don't mind.

It's my house. It'll be my pleasure.

Oh, actually, I can do without the tea.

I'd--I'd rather just talk.

Fine.

Talking is good.

What do you want to talk about?

Well, I know this must seem rather odd to you,

but three nights a week

I go out with other men who dress like me.

It's fun.

Has anyone ever told you that you resemble Tori Spelling?

All the time.

Well...

Well.

Well, now, Eric, [CHUCKLES]

are you feeling more comfortable?

Oh, yes, thanks.

Good...

'Cause I'm not.

Oh, yes, you are, Julia.

B.J., He's in a dress.

But it's a nice dress.

Although that scarf is a bit busy.

No, B.J., I think the scarf matches fine.

No, I wouldn't wear it.

Thank you.

But, more than I want to know exactly why you do this,

I want to know if you've told Carlene.

I wanted to. I just didn't have the courage.

So, when you called,

I decided this is it.

So, here I am and now I'll have to tell her.

You know, you have very large ankles.

Thank you.

Ohh! Anthony's unloading the van.

You have no idea

what a pain it was finding that fabric.

Oh, I'm sorry. I don't think we've met. Mary Jo.

Hi. Uh, Mary Jo, you remember Eric?

Carlene's Eric.

Do I remember Carlene's Eric?

What do you mean do I remember Carlene's Eric?

Carlene's Eric?

Oh!

Oh.

Oh.

[STAMMERING] I-I don't know what to say.

I think I'm just gonna sit here with the girls.

These girls.

Mary Jo, Eric does this for fun.

Have you ever tried nude skeet sh**ting?

I'm so sorry.

I really didn't mean to--

To go on like that.

I-I didn't remember that...

You were so pretty.

Oh, well, thank you.

That's all right. Most people are shocked

the first time they see me like this.

Mary Jo, did you tell them

how much trouble we had at the fabric warehouse?

Anthony, we have company.

How do you do? Anthony Bouvier.

Anyway, [CHUCKLES] there was this woman there,

and she kept saying

that I did not have the purchase orders right.

Uh-huh. Then she told me

that I did not have the right swatches.

I'm gonna tell you,

there was something that was just not right about that woman.

Ooh, some are like that.

Mm-hmm. you know, it's really sort of difficult sometimes

to keep smiling and say, "Yes, ma'am, that's just fine, ma'am."

When what you really want to say is,

"Lady, you're out of your mind.

You ought to be locked up."

ERIC: I have a boss like that.

Then you know what I'm talking about.

It's not all of them, you know?

It's just that some of the vendors...

Well, they're kind of rude,

Kind of different.

Kind of a man.

Kind of like a man.

You're a man! He's a man in a dress!

It's a pretty dress, though. [LAUGHS]

Anthony, do you remember Carlene's Eric?

Er-Er...

Hey, man, how you doing, man?

Help me.

You know, it must be fun

to be able to make grown people

turn into blithering idiots.

It does have it moments.

Hey, y'all. I got home and there was a message on my machine

saying that Eric was supposed to meet me here

Have you seen him?

JULIA: Carlene...

Eric?

[LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY]

Look at you.

You're in a dress.

Great legs.

Carlene? Uh-huh?

Do you understand what's going on?

No.

Eric likes dressing up in women's clothing

And... Going out.

Understand now?

No...

But I'm open for an explanation.

'cause you look great. You do.

Well, an explanation isn't so easy.

Why don't we go get a bite to eat,

and we can talk? Okay, That sounds good.

But who's going to pay the check?

Oh. Did I leave my purse?

Oh, right here! Here it is!

Nice purse, man.

Well, well, that was Mr. Reynolds.

He says he's in a meeting. He'll be here as soon as it's over.

Does anybody know what Carlene did

with that file that had the bids in it?

Yeah, I believe it's right there on the table.

She called a little while ago,

she said she'd be back in just a little while with a big surprise.

Don't you think she's had enough surprises for one week?

JULIA: Oh, can I help you? Carlene?

[ANTHONY LAUGHS]

What do you think?

Carlene, what is going on?

Well, I'm trying to figure out

why Eric does what he does, you know?

Well, you look handsome.

Really? Well, thank you.

I've got a phony mustache in my pocket,

but it makes my lip itch.

I-I don't see how you dressing up in men's clothes

is going to help you understand anything about Eric.

He-He explained this to me

that he taps into his feminine side.

So I just thought I'd tap into my masculine side,

but I don't have a clue how to do that.

I-I think you're on the wrong track, Carlene.

It's not clothes. It's the attitude.

You have to walk that walk, talk that talk.

Oh, Anthony's right. Anthony, show her.

Uh-uh.

Well, fine, ladies, I guess it's up to us. Who's first?

[CHUCKLES] I don't even want to see this.

All right, maybe this would help. [CLEARS THROAT]

Uh, so, just the other day,

I was coming out of the hardware store,

and there was this guy there, he just...

He just spit right on the sidewalk.

I mean, it almost hit my shoe.

I mean, that's what they do.

They don't care who's looking.

They don't care how it lands.

The important thing to know is

that right before they spit,

they make this noise, and it's like...

[RETCHING]

And then...

[SPITS]

Why don't you try that?

No way.

All right, let me think.

Maybe something like this.

You know how they put their hands in their pockets

And then kinda hitch their pants up.

Check if it's still there?

Thank you, Mary Jo.

Carlene, listen to this.

Now, I remember when I was with Reese, I noticed

if we were going to move a chair,

we'd just move it, right?

But when I asked Reese to move it,

that he'd have to move it, and then he'd go...

[SIGHS DEEPLY]

But the thing is,

it doesn't have to be something that's difficult, right?

It can be easy,

like taking a drink of water.

See, same thing. First...

[INHALES] And then...

[EXHALES LOUDLY]

Get it?

CARLENE: Yeah.

You know, another thing

is the permission men give themselves

to be aggressive.

Kind of like that guy

who puts his face up in yours

and has to poke at you while he talks

just to make sure you get his point.

It's, uh...

And then I closed that deal,

laughed in his face,

and I said, "Buddy, this is the last time

you play hardball with me."

You need a manicure.

Well, you know, I give up, too.

Well, let an expert show you how.

Now, this is the kind of man that you should be like.

[IMITATING MACHINE g*n]

Hasta la vista,baby.

Bernice, thank you.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

That's got to be Mr. Reynolds.

CARLENE: Oh! I can't let him

see me like this. Look at me.

Come in.

Well, thank you. Miss Sugarbaker.

Mr. Reynolds.

Go ahead, make my day.

Good to see you again.

It's a pleasure...

You know, I hate to waste time.

Do you have the contracts drawn?

They're right here.

About this price. $, for all that work.

You see, usually, we get at least ,

for a job this size.

I told you my top offer for doing the job.

It's nonnegotiable.

Oh, [LAUGHS] everything is negotiable.

[CHUCKLES] Only to a woman.

Um, Mr. Reynolds, you did say that you wanted us

to have the job finished at the end of the month without fail,

and if we do that, that would mean sacrificing other...

It's funny. I hear you talking, but it doesn't seem to matter.

That's my price. I'm on a time schedule.

Hey, hey, hey, buddy.

We're all on a time schedule here, okay?

Who are you?

Who am I?

Who am I?

[EXHALES LOUDLY]

B.J., tell him who I am.

Uh, this is Mr. Lean, Mr. Carl lean,

Uh, president of Lean Enterprises.

I got offices all over the place. How you doing?

As a matter of fact,

I'm here to bid for their time. ,.

Oh, I see, a little friendly competition, huh?

I think I can handle that.

Ow.

,, my final offer.

,, but I need you to start a week early.

MR. REYNOLDS: I think you're bluffing.

I think you're cheap. We have a deal?

Uh, Mr. Lean, uh...

Could I speak to you privately for a second?

Okay.

Listen, uh, you know how crazy it is

doing business with women.

Oh, you kidding me? I sure do,

Especially these women.

Man to man, there's no point in us outbidding each other.

You need your job done, I need my job done.

Yeah. Let's agree on a fair price.

Now, what is the highest you're willing to go?

,.

Hmm.

,.

Done!

I tell you what, Mr. Reynolds,

you're one fine businessman.

[LAUGHS]

But that is the last time

that you're going to play hardball with me.

Well, I guess the best man won.

Don't worry, it's still there.

Afternoon, ladies.

B.J.: Bye.

MARY JO: Bye. JULIA: Thank you.

[EXCLAIMS]

It's just amazing the credibility that men have

just by right of gender.

Yeah, but Eric was right.

It was fun.

Ha! Did you see?

I got away with stuff

that only men can get away with.

Carlene, you forgot to crush a beer can on your forehead.

Oh, yeah, a beer can.

Carlene, take off the suit.

Well, hi, Eric.

Carlene?,

I mean, I've heard about these things,

but I-I saw it once on Sally Jessy Raphael,

when I had a very nasty case of athlete's foot,

but you look handsome.

Although, this tie is little too busy for this fabric.

Touche, Eric.

I guess we all learned a little something from this.

I know I have.

Never play spin the bottle at a garlic festival.

Well, I think I do understand you better now, Eric,

and I think that maybe you were right about us just being friends.

Yeah, well, I expected that, and I'm okay with it.

I'm just glad to have you in my life.

Not a lot of women would have gone through this kind of trouble.

So, hey, let's go down to the Howard Johnson's

and write some graffiti on the men's room wall.

Baby, you know how to show a guy a good time.

Bye.