07x21 - Gone With The Whim

[bunniefuu]

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

Okay. So,

how do you like it, huh?

Oh, Mr. Kearney, your house is absolutely beautiful.

What a grand old staircase.

Oh, and those columns are magnificent.

CARLENE: aren't they?

In fact, every detail of this place is perfect.

Yeah. Well, it's all got to go.

You see, my first wife did this place

as an exact replica

Of Tara from Gone With the Wind.

Well, I dumped her.

Now little Kiki here is going to modernize the house and me.

KIKI: I've ordered some furniture.

I have a very clear idea

about what I want.

Colorful. Swirling.

Big bright pieces that say, "I am in the room."

Just what this place needs,

talking furniture.

Well, we pretty much got all that old stuff out of here.

I carried the heavy stuff.

I'm good with heavy stuff. I work out.

I know, and I want to thank you, Craig,

for helping us out here on such short notice.

I like lifting things, it's fun,

especially heavy things

like furniture and people.

You want me to lift you?

Thank you.

Thank you.

BERNICE: Well...

I'm next, cowboy.

Craig, Craig. Over here.

I got to hand it to you, Mary Jo.

You dumped that guy

for being slower than a grandma on the freeway,

and then managed to get him to help out a heavy duty job for nothing but thank you.

Do you think I enjoy taking advantage

of this sweet and generous man?

Yes.

MARY JO: Well, maybe I do.

But with Sugarbaker's in such bad financial shape,

we couldn't afford anybody

who knew their left from right.

No, no, Craig. Craig!

Your other left, man. Over here.

Put it right... There.

Isn't it great, Kearnsey?

All these talented people working for me.

JULIA: Excuse me, Kiki.

Let's just get this clear right now.

We work for ourselves.

We are contracted to work with you.

But that's not the same thing...

Excuse me. Excuse me. Just a second, please.

...as working for you. Excuse me. Excuse me.

Now, Julia, I know you're far more eloquent than I am,

so I'm going to say this

in a very simple, humble way.

We need money.

What were some of your ideas, Kiki?

Well, first, let's see what we've got here.

Isn't it perfect in this room?

I like it. It's pretty.

Do you think so?

Just like you. Only you have more stuffing.

What do the rest of you all think?

It doesn't really work.

Red and black.

ANTHONY: Iron legs!

Basically, I think it's a...

Could you please excuse us for a moment?

Getting us this job is the best I could do.

As long as someone's trying to take over Poteet Industries,

my assets are frozen,

which means our assets are on the line.

Do I make myself clear?

Bankruptcy.

We love it.

It's great. It's spirally.

It's you, girl.

Well, we've got to leave these fine ladies, Kiki.

We're off to the tanning salon.

You know, I don't think her hooters were real.

Well, six months and two implants ago,

she was his receptionist,

But now she's redecorating his house.

That's pretty good for a woman

who uses White-Out on the computer screen.

And since Mr. Kearney has been inspired by silicone,

we now have to turn this antebellum treasure

into Barbie's Malibu dream house.

Yeah. Isn't that something?

Even without all the furniture and everything,

I can still just imagine myself in Tara.

I always wanted to live in Tara.

I just wanted to be Scarlett O'Hara.

What little girl didn't?

I didn't.

I wanted to be Siegfried and Roy.

Well, I did!

That movie was a male fantasy

made from a male perspective...

Rhett Butler grabs Scarlett

against her will,

whisks her up the stairs,

still against her will,

and then the next morning,

as if all she needed

was to be taken against her will,

she's singing like Julie Andrews

on top of a mountainful of nuns.

You know, that happened to me and the late Mr. Clifton in Scranton.

But the minute I kicked down the door,

he didn't put up much resistance.

Now, don't you mess with Scarlett, B.J.

I know she may have been self-centered and selfish,

but when push came to shove,

she was widowed and broke.

She ran that plantation by herself.

Ah, yes, that movie colored all our lives.

Since you mentioned "colored,"

I have to say I agree with B.J.

It wasn't exactly my favorite movie, either.

A movie about a bunch of black people

named Mammy, Pappy, and Prissy

being ordered around by overdressed white people

is just not role-model material.

As far as I'm concerned,

that movie was about a bunch of rich snobs

who lose everything and still cannot get along

without three black people

to help them into their underwear.

Why were they wearing black people's underwear?

I know we need the money,

and I'm grateful to you, B.J., For this job,

but still it seems such a shame

for something so splendid to go.

CARLENE: Oh, I am with you.

Can't you just see all the parties

and the balls

and the beautiful women

tripping over their hoop skirts

down that magnificent staircase?

Isn't it lovely to be southern?

CARLENE: Oh, yes!

And isn't this the perfect ball?

And isn't it lovely to see all these beautiful clothes?

And isn't it lovely to be rich

when most people aren't?

Oh! Here comes the Widow Clifton!

Evening, Widow Clifton.

Why do you keep calling me the Widow Clifton?

I've never been married.

But, silly Widow Clifton, you have two children.

So what's your point?

CARLENE: Oh! Did you see that Scarlett?

She's as obvious as a locust in a cotton field.

She's easier to get than smallpox.

Scarlett's just high-spirited.

Ladies.

ALL: Scarlett.

Why, evening, Melanie.

You're looking as lovely as always, Scarlett.

Why Scarlett, I was hoping you

could give a young, rich plantation owner's son a dance.

I'm afraid you're a little late, Billy William.

My dance card's already full,

and it's a crying shame,

because I wore this dress especially for you.

My dance card's not full.

Really?

So what do you say, Scarlett?

Sorry. Late. Full, silly.

Oh, here comes Walter Mahoney.

Walter Mahoney, I wore this dress especially for you.

Anybody for some good eatin's?

CARLENE: Oh, yes.

This must be some special dish

Only you colored people know how to make.

Why, yes, ma'am, miss ma'am, it sho' is.

We calls it cheese.

CARLENE: Oh, there's that Rhett Butler from Charleston.

B.J.: Rhett Butler?

Oh, he's the most dashing man in the whole South.

Nobody dashes like him.

He has the most scandalous reputation.

Am I blushing? How do I look?

Is he looking at me? No! He's looking at me.

MARY JO: He's a rogue, but he's gorgeous.

I've had him. He's nothing.

Widow Clifton, you have not.

Listen, sister, I've had plenty of nothing.

Lovely ladies,

how fair all your skin looks.

[GIGGLING]

Rhett! Rhett!

Miss Melanie, I would be honored if you'd honor me with a dance.

Oh! I would be so honored to honor your honor.

Isn't Rhett Butler ever going

to stop dancing with Melanie?

Tart?

I don't think so.

That's not what we hear.

We hear you'll steal any man

as long as he belongs to another woman.

Oh! I would never steal a man from another woman.

Why, Rhett Butler,

I hardly even noticed you were here.

Miss Scarlett, I was going to ask you to dance,

but I was told that your dance card is full.

Told?

By whom?

You look beautiful, Miss Scarlett,

as always.

And what am I, chopped hominy grits?

Melanie, dear, were you saying something?

But, Scarlett,

I was dancing.

Yes, Melanie, you were.

How could you let her do that?

She's just the devil, I tell you!

She's the devil in petticoats! [SOBBING]

Scarlett.

Rhett.

Scarlett, forgive my forwardness,

but you're like a fine Georgia peach

that hangs ripe and smooth on the vine,

a perfect peach,

and I just plum adore you.

JULIA: Why, Rhett,

you certainly know all the right fruits.

I love you, Scarlett,

and I want to marry you.

Oh, Rhett, that's so romantic.

I want to build you a perfect house

With perfect house... Things,

and, uh, fight for you,

worship you, and protect you.

I especially liked that worship part.

Say yes.

Say you'll be my wife and bear my children,

maybe , all strapping boys.

You can clean my g*ns and fold my clothes, and bring me cigars.

You're gonna be my little woman.

But for right now all I want is a kiss.

Mr. Rhett Butler from Charleston,

I am not now, nor ever will be, anybody's little woman.

And if any man should ever put a g*n in front of me to clean it,

make no mistake about it,

it will go off,

and it will not be pretty.

And as for that Georgia peach,

yes, I am southern,

and yes, I am definitely in season,

but not even Mr. Rhett Butler from Charleston

is going to shake me down and take a bite.

Does this mean no kiss?

Who knows?

Tomorrow is another day.

Well! Well!

MARY JO: Maybe once we get that mirrored disco ball

and beanbag love seat arrangement in here,

it won't be as bad as we imagined.

Disco ball?

Didn't I mention it?

Okay. That's it.

I have my limits.

If Scarlett could protect Tara from the Yankees,

we can surely protect this old house from bad taste.

We're not doing the job.

MARY JO: What do you mean, not do this job?

We do not have the luxury

of taking up the cause of preservation.

We are going to do this job.

And you are just gonna have to grin and bear it.

I don't think so, Mary Jo.

Need I remind you

that I am the Sugarbaker

whose name is on the door of the design firm?

Well, before this fight turns into something

we can sell tickets to at Ceasars Palace,

I think I better tell you

that y'all may be wasting your breath.

I just talked to my lawyers,

and I'm on my way now

to get this whole frozen assets situation resolved,

because if I'm liquid,

we can just dump these people and be off on a two week vacation to Tahiti.

Well, that's fine, but it's not just about this job.

It's about how Julia always just decides for us all

what we're going to do and how we're going to do it.

Don't hold back, Mary Jo.

Please let us know what you're thinking.

Well, thank you so much,

but I don't really need your permission.

Well, cover the bodies and clean up the blood

when you're done.

I'll be back in a bit.

We better move the rest of this furniture out of here

before these ladies reenact the Battle of Appomattox.

JULIA: Anthony, put that down!

MARY JO: Pick that up!

Anthony, don't you dare! Put that down!

You go right ahead.

Anthony? Julia?

Craig! I'm getting dizzy.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey,

hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

Now, come on. What's going on here?

Now, I know all of our nerves are a little bit jangly

'cause of this silly old money situation,

but you know what we got to do?

We got to look for the light.

Shut up, Carlene! Shut up, Carlene!

Just a thought.

Come on, people,

smile on your brother.

Everybody get together.

Da da da da da, right now.

Aw, just say you're sorry.

She has to do it first.

I will not.

Fine, Julia!

Fine, fine, fine.

Just have it your way.

You always do.

I'm just gonna sit over here like I'm a big old nobody.

You sit by me.

Thank you, Bernice.

It's nice to know I have one friend.

Really?

Who?

Oh, all right. We are in dire straits.

And the pressure's getting to everybody,

but there must be something we can figure out.

There has to be a way out.

w*r, w*r, w*r.

All this talk of w*r

is taking the fun out of a perfectly wonderful party.

Yes.

B.J.: Ooh! There's that Scarlett.

Did you see how shamelessly she's flirting

with every man at the party?

Two...

One to pour the kerosene

and one to pull the chair out

from underneath the Yankee.

Look at her grabbing at them like that.

She must know something about men that we don't. [SOBBING]

Or they know something about her that we don't.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

CARLENE: Oh, look. There's that Rhett Butler from Charleston.

Oh, Rhett!

I felt your eyes burning right through me.

Does it hurt?

Only when you stop.

Your eyes are so blue...

So green...

So brown...

So colorful.

MARY JO: Oh, Rhett,

I must turn around

and see you and look at you

and feel your lips against mine.

And I want to kiss you hard and fast,

and eyes open,

with maybe just a little tongue.

MARY JO: Oh!

Oh, Rhett!

I'm melting.

Take me.

ALL: Well!

ANTHONY: Yes, this all goes. If it's old, just throw it in a box.

I think that should do it.

Oh, wait!

You're not going to get rid of that too, are you?

What is that?

It's history.

ANTHONY: I'm telling you, I'm tired of all this Gone With the Windstuff.

To me it's just like all those other old Hollywood movies.

The white folks are always the heroes.

Your idea of Tara is not my idea of Tara.

And I promise you,

your Scarlett is definitely not my Scarlett.

Well, like it or not,

you cannot ignore your own history.

JULIA: Scarlett!

The baby!

It's coming!

I'm here, Melanie.

I'm here.

You'd think she was the first white woman to ever have a baby.

Prissy! Prissy!

♪♪ Just a few more hours

Prissy!

♪♪ Won't be long ♪♪

Prissy, the doctor's not coming. He can't come.

Something about a strange new game called golf.

Not coming?

Oh, but he's got to come, Miss Scarlet!

I don't know what to do!

I can't stand it!

JULIA: Scarlett!

Help me!

What do you mean, he's got to come? He's not coming.

Besides, you told me you birthed hundreds of babies.

I did?

Well, I don't know why I did that.

I was just blabbering.

I do that sometimes,

But I didn't mean it.

Say what?

Well, Mama never let me come in the room

when the babies come.

She said I talked too much,

but that's not true.

It's just that I gets nervous,

and I don't know what to do.

I don't know nothin' about birthin' babies, Miss Scarlett!

Nothin'! I don't know nothin' about birthin' babies!

Ow.

JULIA: Scarlett!

Hold your water, I'm coming!

Well, I guess I'll have to do it.

Oh, I have to do everything around here.

Why did I think that my life

was going to be one great big old party

with me fanning myself

and sashaying around the ballroom

like I haven't got a care in the world,

pretending that I don't hear the menfolks

pining and sighing

and wanting me bad?

Prissy!

Prissy!

Yes, ma'am?

Ow!

What'd you do that for?

Well, I got to have some fun.

KIKI: Attention!

I just brought over some swatches

that I'm considering for that wall.

Purple velvet.

It's great, huh?

I got so many ideas.

This decorating thing is a snap.

Listen, here, Kinky.

It's Kiki.

Is, uh...

Craig around?

He's out back loading the truck.

Well, someone go get him for me.

Go get him for you?

Is there an echo in here?

Carlene, would you go get Craig for Koo-Koo?

It's Kiki.

Oh, sure, it is.

You're not really keeping these chairs here, are you?

Well, yes, actually.

We thought the light from that window up there

would be complementary to this fabric.

But I need this area for my NordicTrack.

Wait a minute. Let me get this straight, Cocky.

It's Kiki!

What is so hard to remember about Kiki?

Hey, Khaki, what's up?

Khaki. That's cute.

I just wanted to get your opinion on these swatches.

Well, they keep really good time.

KIKI: Why don't we, uh...

Look at them under natural light?

Sunlight.

[ORCHESTRAL MUSIC PLAYING]