01x07 - Piña Colada

[bunniefuu]

[ambient music plays]

Duct tape.

You look exquisite.

Hey.

Hey.

Hi.

Hello.

Hi.

Hey.

Hello.

[Kate] Thank you.

God, I haven't thought about that project
in years.

Oh, I loved those designs.

Aw. Well, then I started
doing jobs that paid.

So...

The You-ggenheim.

[laughs] That's just so corny.

[New Miles laughs]

- You're laughing.
- [Kate sighs]

What is this?

It's like that piña colada song.

♪ If you like piña coladas ♪

[Kate] Oh, my God. That song.

Oh, I don't know.
Two people who know each other very well,

meeting as if for the first time?

[clicks tongue]

I think it's kinda hot.

Yeah. It's kinda hot.

Oh, no, no, no. No, no, no. No, please.

No. Come on.
Brunch is the least I can do.

Especially considering that $20,000
that reappeared in my account.

I'm assuming that was you.

It was yours to begin with.

I wish Miles were more like you.

- I am Miles.
- Ugh.

Well, we're not technically...

married.

So...

It's my name you wrote next to yours
in the credenza.

No. Believe me, it's a good thing

that we don't have to deal
with all that history.

Okay. Well, um...

I'll talk to you soon.

Talk to you soon.

[knocking]

Hi.

[sighs]

- Bad time?
- No.

[chuckles]

Um...

He doesn't want this really. So...

So I thought that you might?

All right.

I'll put my keys in it,
in the drawer, never on top.

[laughs]

Yeah. Okay.

Well, I better go.

I've got this conference in the city
this afternoon, so...

Oh. Okay.

Yeah.

Yeah, I'm staying
in this swanky hotel downtown,

so it should be fun.

Ah.

Maybe I could call you when you get back.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Or you could come with me.

Uh...

Yeah.

Yeah.

[Pool] I wanna make sure
we are properly prepared,

doing everything we need to do.

How's that video presentation going, Dan?

I'm looking forward to see the work
that you've done.

And why don't you make sure
that you and, uh, Peter get together.

You guys work on making sure that, uh,
you guys are there early for the set up.

I'm so proud of the work
that you guys have done. And...

[chuckles]

[Pool continues speaking indistinctly]

Did he just leave?

[birds chirping]

Try it.

[chuckles]

Ah!

Whoo.

[man] Hi, welcome.

- [Miles] Hi.
- [Kate] Hi.

[man] What name
is the reservation under?

Um, Mr. and Mrs. Elliott.

Would you prefer two queen beds
or one king?

[keyboard keys clacking]

I think we'd probably have a king.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

- [man] Here we are.
- [Kate] Thank you.

You're welcome.

- Here you go.
- Appreciate it.

- Thank you.
- Take care.

[New Miles moans]

[Kate moans]

[breathing heavily]

- Just take it.
- I just want to...

Yeah. Too many...
Too many buttons. Just... yeah.

- Yeah?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Ah, my shoes.

[both moan]

Take off my... Just... yeah.

[Kate] Just...

Okay.

Take this off.

[heavy breathing]

Let me get...
One second. Just give me that.

- It's 'cause your buttons are...
- Yeah.

[Kate grunts]

- Alright.
- [Kate] Yes.

- Yeah!
- [Kate] Yes.

f*ck! Oh!

Okay. Yes. Go, go.

- Go.
- Yeah.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

- [Kate moans]
- Am I hurting you?

[moaning] No.

[stammering]

- Maybe hold my boobs for a little bit.
- Okay.

Yeah.

Just like that. Yeah.

Ow. Oh, just not like oranges,
more like making bread.

[both moan]

[Kate] Oh! Oh that's... Yeah.

- Okay.
- [New Miles moans]

[Kate moans]

[heavy breathing]

[both moaning]

[Kate clears throat]

[door lock beeps]

- [door lock beeps]
- [door handle fidgeting]

[key card slides]

[door handle fidgeting]

Oh!

[door handle fidgeting]

Oh, dang it!

I was bringing you breakfast in bed.
You're supposed to get in the bed.

- My key wouldn't work.
- Oh, okay.

- Back in the bed. Quick.
- Oh.

- You gotta get back. Get back.
- Oh, yeah, okay.

[both chuckle]

I hope you're hungry.

Your breakfast awaits.

We have...

scrambled eggs,
just the way you like them.

Some toast, multigrain and whole wheat.

I don't really know
what the difference is, but we have both.

Waffles, extra crispy on the side,

blueberry scones, orange juice, coffee,

and...

Greenhill syrup.

I found it in the gift shop.

Remember? From our trip to the maple farm?

- It's Kismet.
- [Kate] Oh.

- Greenhill.
- [Kate] Um...

I might actually just have a coffee,

because I have to hop in the shower
or I'm gonna be late for the conference.

Oh, yeah? You don't want anything?

Um...

I mean, I'll take a scone.

[chuckles]

- Thank you.
- I'll wrap it up.

Oh, thank you.

Mmm. Delicious.

[chuckles]

Oh, sure.

[cell phone rings]

Hey!

What do you think? Ready to go for a run?

Yeah. Sure.

[Kate breathing heavily]

[New Miles] Jeez, look at that.

Look at that architecture.
I mean, that is...

That is inspirational.

[Kate] I think I'm gonna throw up.

[both chuckle]

Maybe this will complete the moment.

[breathing heavily]

It's an ad
for a frequent flyer credit card.

[New Miles] No. Above that.

- What?
- Plane tickets.

Paris?

It's that trip we always wanted to take
but never did.

Think about it.
Tomorrow, we check out the Louvre.

We can have croissants, drink red wine,

and stroll along the Seine.

We could have, uh...

croissants and a red wine
at the hotel bar.

[New Miles chuckles]

You're so funny.

Or you know what?

We can move there.

Tonight.

Get rid of the house in the suburbs.
Start fresh.

- What'd I say?
- No, nothing, nothing. I just...

Uh..

[stammers] I guess I'm not feeling
very spontanée.

It's French.

[sniffs]

Hey.

It's not where you're at,
it's who you're with, right?

Yeah.

Wanna keep running?

- Yeah. Go downhill this time though.
- Yeah.

[Kate chuckles]

[Kate] Hey, I'm sorry.

You invited me to Paris and I was bitchy,
which is just...

even as I say it out loud,

ungracious and insane.

- That's okay.
- [Kate] No, no.

No.

It's not okay. That was...
That was sweet.

That was really sweet.

Thank you.

Thank you.

["Give It To Me Baby" by Rick James plays]

You hear the song?

Mh-hmm.

- No.
- We have to.

- No.
- No, we do. It's basically the law.

- No.
- [New Miles] Oh, yes.

We danced to this song at our wedding.

Choreographed a whole routine
and everything.

You don't give me Paris,
you have to give me this.

Come on, I got the rope.

♪ You wouldn't make love to me ♪

♪ You went fast to sleep ♪

- Yeah.
- Where do we start from?

I don't...

- Okay.
- Yes.

[Kate chuckles]

- Right.
- [Kate laughs]

♪ Coming home intoxicated ♪

♪ I said I just wanna love you ♪

- [Kate] And then...
- [New Miles] Oh!

Yup.

Nope.

Oh, my gosh.
I'm sorry, that's all I remember.

- It's okay.
- I'm... I'm sorry.

No. It's fine.

[stammers] I can't.

Okay.

[Kate sighs]

Look.

- Obviously, this is a strange situation.
- [stammers] Yeah.

I'm guessing
it's making you uncomfortable.

Yes. I mean, no...

[stammering]

It's okay. It's all right. Take your time.

Whatever you're feeling is all right.

He called today.

[groans]

What did he want?

[scoffs] Nothing.

[inhales]

Just said something about suffering
and then hung up,

which, to be fair, is a pretty standard
call from him, but, um...

It just got me thinking.

[sighs]

I think I convinced myself

in some perverse way

that this would be an act of love.

Like a way to re-appreciate
or save our marriage,

but...

But what? I-I like that plan.

Oh, look...

[stammering]

I know that you think that you were there
all those years,

and that you feel
like you've lived through all of our crap,

but you didn't.

You just didn't,

and that's got to make a difference.

Yes, it does.

It does, exactly.

I'm not angry, or bitter,
or afraid like he is.

Yeah, but I'm... I'm angry.

[stammers] And bitter and afraid.
I'm just...

[inhales]

a little worn out,
if... if I'm allowed to add one.

- No, you're not.
- [sighs]

You're not any of those things.
Not compared to him. I should know.

[scoffs]

But I am compared to you!

I mean, look at you.

You're practically glowing.

And I'm still me
with all of my suffering and bullshit.

Oh, God. I love your bullshit...

No, no, but you... but you shouldn't.

It should make you angry
and like you want to fight me.

But you're just so...

great.

Okay. I...

[stammers]

I have to be honest, I'm not really sure
I see what the problem is.

You're too great,

and you're too loving,
and you're too kind,

and it's weird.

And... and... [stammering]

a little exhausting,

if I'm... if I'm honest with you.

How is me being great exhausting?

I'm sorry.

This was a mistake.

All right.

Fine. You know what?
You'll never see me again.

Ever. Ever again!

[knocking]

That was weird.

Yeah, just a little. Yeah.

Sorry.

I just...

I have never been broken up with before.

Oh, I-I-I know.

And it hurts,
but it... it will get better.

I promise.

[rock music plays faintly]

Hi, what can I get you for?

Do you have piña coladas?

No, sorry.

But we have a lot of yummy margaritas.

We've got the BFM Best Fridays Margarita,
the Strawberry 'Rita Margarita,

the Ultimate Margarita,

- the Cosmo 'Rita Margarita shaker...
- [sniffs]

- Bourbon.
- You sure?

You look like you could really use

an Ultimate Tropical Berry
Frozen Margarita.

- [softly] Bourbon.
- Okay.

[bartender] Hey, what can I get you for?

[Dan] Margarita.

[bartender] Sure. We got lots of flavors.

- We got the BFM Best Fridays Margarita...
- [Dan] Just regular.

[inhales deeply]

[sighs]

[Dan groans]

Well, look who it is.

Congrats on the campaign.

[stammers] So, is this where you've been,

out celebrating?

Huh, funny.
I don't know if you heard, but...

Pool was so happy with you,

that she fired me.

I gave you that spa recommendation.

Look at you, you're just gonna sit there?

This is all your fault.

Dan.

You have no idea
what you're talking about.

You wanna take this outside
and tell me what I don't know?

[grunts]

Oh.

You don't know how long
I wanted to b*at your little ass.

Let's go for a ride.

Hey, I...

I thought we were gonna fight!

I wanna show you something first.

[New Miles] This looks about right.

[crickets chirping]

[Dan] What? Where are we?

[scoffs]What the f*ck, man?

[New Miles] Dig.

Why? What's in there?

You'll see.

Dig.

[scoffs]

[stammers] Yeah, I'll dig, but, like...

we don't have a shovel

or anything.

Use your hands.

He did.

All right.

[grunting]

[Dan] Oh, Jesus.

Who... who's that?

Holy sh*t.

You're a freaking psycho.

Yeah, try the next one.

[grunting]

Dude.

Is this Tom Brady?

Keep going.

[retches]

[coughing]

What's going on, man?

Is that me?

Why is it me?

[New Miles] Your spa recommendation.

They don't just scrub your DNA...

[grunts]

[exhales] they clone it.

Clone?

But why would they make a cloned me...

and then bury it?

Guess again.

Dude, this so massively sucks.

And I paid for the silver package.

I'm totally gonna file a complaint.

[inhales]

Well, if it's any consolation,
at least it's just you.

Oh, man.

You mean you and your brother...

- Yeah.
- [Dan sighs]

So, which one is the...

Hey, um...

Ever since the treatment,

do you have to, like, jerk off
seven times a day?

Actually, yeah.

Yeah.

It's a blessing and a curse.

[chuckles]

A blessing and a curse.

[Dan] All right.

Are you all right?

[Dan] Yeah, sure.

Hey, uh...

You and me are like clone buds now, huh?

You, uh... you get rid of the geek,

you and me should hit up the town,
beer it up,

use our clone powers on the ladies.

Later, dude.

Get rid of the geek.

Duct tape.

[woman grunts]

Will there be anything else?

Uh, yeah. Do you know a place around here
that sells g*ns?

[door closes]

Come on. Hey, pick up the phone,
you assh*le!

God!

[Miles] Hey! Hey! Hey!

- [tires squeal]
- Hey! Hey!

Hey! Let me go!

Come on! Hey! Hey! Hey!

[tires squeal]

[tires squeal]

Honey.

I'm home.

["Escape" [The Piña Colada Song]" plays]

Honey, I'm home.

Babe, I'm home.

Hon?

What's for dinner?

♪ If you like piña coladas ♪

♪ And getting caught in the rain ♪

♪ If you're not into yoga ♪

♪ If you have half a brain ♪

♪ If you like making love at midnight ♪

♪ In the dunes of the cape ♪

♪ Then I'm the love
That you've looked for ♪

♪ Write to me and escape ♪

♪ I didn't think about my lady ♪

♪ I know that sounds kind of mean ♪

♪ But me and my old lady ♪

♪ Had fallen into the same old
Dull routine ♪

♪ So I wrote to the... ♪