01x08 - Nice Knowing You

[bunniefuu]

[Miles] Miles?!

Hey, Miles, is that you?

[tires skid]

Who are you?

Hey!

[grunting]

Where are you taking me?

[Miles grunting]

[man speaking indistinctly over PA]

[Miles screams]

Ow!

Hey!

Hey. Hey!

[panting]

[grunting]

[electricity buzzing]

[panting]

- [Weinrod] That was cute.
- [gasps]

Are those breast pumps?

[breathing heavily]

Are you the ones who kidnapped me?

Arrested,

not kidnapped.

And why are we in a breastfeeding room?

Because regulations require
a lactation facility

for any site with over 50 employees.

[stammers] Huh?

[Weinrod] Sir, four weeks ago, our agency

received an aborted tip-off call

that we traced to a cell phone
registered at your home address.

You're the ones in the station wagon.

Why are you following me?

I... I don't...

Who are you?

[man] FDA,
Office of Criminal Investigations?

[New Miles] Hi.

I'd like to report a violation of Title 21
regarding human cloning.

That's right.

We're the FDA.

And we know all about your "spa."

Along with 35 other
suspected locations worldwide.

Now, according to your co-workers,

you claim to be the long-lost twin
of Miles Elliott,

although no record
of any such brother exists.

- Would you like to explain that to me?
- No, you...

The other one, he's the brother, the twin.

It's not... Look, it's not...

It's not what you think.

I can prove that I'm me.

Ask me anything.

Good idea.

Okay, I'm gonna ask you
a series of questions.

I want you to respond
as if you're Miles.

- I am Miles Elliott.
- We'll see about that.

First question.

Are you Miles Elliott?

[stammers]

[stammers] You want me
to answer that again?

Yes.

Yes.

Great.

- In what state were you born?
- New Jersey.

What was the name of the first person
you kissed?

Hmm...

God damn.

[sighs] God, what's her name?

- [whispers] I don't know the answer.
- I know this, obviously.

Heilen,

Helen,

Helman, Hoffman.

Is it Heller?

Oh, my God, I was just talking about it!

Everybody remembers the name
of the first person they kissed.

I got it. Just... Let's come back to that.

Have you ever used dr*gs?

Is this, like, admissible or anything?

Have you ever used dr*gs?

Yeah, sure. Of course.

I mean, nothing weird or any...
Halter, Halther.

Ellen Halther was my first kiss.
Blonde hair.

She was preppy.
Always acted like she hated me.

- [scoffs]
- [Weinrod stammers] Are we done here?

- Halther.
- [Weinrod] Okay.

- Have you ever engaged in sodomy?
- What?

- Have you ever engaged in sodomy?
- No, I heard you,

but what does that
have to do with anything?

[stammers] These are sort of
personal questions.

[Weinrod] It's not about the sodomy, guys.

Okay? It's about the machine's ability
to correlate his claim of sodomy

with his knowledge of the truth
about the sodomy

to determine whether or not he really is
who he says he is.

- Okay? Do you understand?
- [both] Yeah.

Both of you?

So...

Sodomy?

- Yeah, I mean...
- What was the name...

Not like farm animals or anything,
but, you know.

What was the name
of your first girlfriend in college?

Oh, Liza.

- Liza.
- Yeah.

Pretty name.

- Thank you.
- Did you s*domize her?

- What? Oh, come on.
- [banging on door]

- [fidgeting with door handle]
- [woman] I need to pump.

Uh, we're interrogating a suspect.

[woman] Weinrod?

Aren't you assigned
to children's vitamins?

This is a special project, please!

Go pump in the bathroom!

You failed every question.

So what does that mean?

- [whispers] I think the machine is broken.
- What?

It didn't register positive or negative.

Tech must've been scavenging
for parts again.

- What?
- Oh, God.

Goddammit!

I can't prove he's a clone
without any g*dd*mn resources,

and I can't get any g*dd*mn resources
without proving he's a clone!

- Okay.
- Okay. You know what?

f*ck the polygraph.

Let me put this to you simply.

How can you be sure that you are you?

I have a scar. I have a scar!
I got an appendectomy when I was eight.

The other one doesn't.

Why don't I check the medical records?

I can't believe
I didn't think of it earlier.

Regardless of your records,

you are toying with some of mankind's
most fundamental concerns.

Who we are and...

and... and what we are.

If you knew me,

I'm just... I'm so...

me,

and not in a good way.

Just ask my wife.

All I'm saying is,

I couldn't sleep at night
not knowing who I am.

[door opens, closes]

[grunts]

- [fidgets with door handle]
- Hey!

Help!

I'm thirsty!

This is illegal!

[banging]

[sighs]

[sighs]

[air suctioning]

[woman] Not again.

Tell Weinrod to find
her own damn interrogation room.

[sighs]

[people chattering indistinctly]

Oh, hey.

You lucky son of a bitch.

g*dd*mn children's vitamins.

So, am I still under arrest or...

whatever?

Technically,

you were never under arrest,

because, technically,

we've been reassigned to...

children's vitamins

due to a lack
of cloning enforcement funding,

due to a lack of cloning enforcement...

prosecutions.

So...

am I free to go?

I won't forget about you.

Oh.

Please be Kate.

[Hugh] Mr. Elliott,

this is South Hill Fertility Center
calling with your test results.

Sorry to say, your numbers came back...

good.

Nothing wrong with you at all.

Hope that was worth wasting two years
of both of our time.

- Miles.
- Wait.

Miles, we need to talk.

Okay, great. But first...

[inhales]

I want to apologize.

Oh.

Wait, was... was what you wanted to talk
about the pig carcass in the garage?

No. Actually...

- Um...
- Okay, good. Well...

just... just listen.

I want to apologize.

For everything.

I mean, I've been so selfish,

just so focused on me
that I forgot about...

you...

and us.

What's important, our family,
our future family.

But it's... it's not too late.

Last night,

I read an article about separation anxiety
at preschool drop-off.

It made me cry.

I drank breast milk for God's sake, I...

- Breast milk?
- That's not...

Oh, this is coming out all wrong.
I had a whole...

[sighs]

Can I borrow your phone? Just for a sec.

[sighs]

- Oh, what... what's our Wi-Fi password?
- Why?

Never mind, I got it. I got it.

["Give It To Me Baby" by Rick James plays]

- Oh, no.
- Yeah.

- [Kate] Miles, no, no, no, no.
- Yeah.

- Yes, yes.
- Miles.

Oh, why...

No.

Miles.

[sighs] I'm going...

[Kate] Don't get the rope.

I'm powerless to the rope.

♪ When I came home last night ♪

♪ You wouldn't make love to me ♪

♪ You went fast to sleep ♪

♪ You wouldn't even talk to me ♪

♪ You said I'm so crazy ♪

♪ Coming home intoxicated ♪

♪ I said I just wanna love you ♪

♪ I just wanna love you, baby ♪

♪ This is why I'm so elated ♪

♪ Come on, girl ♪

♪ Give it to me, baby ♪

♪ Give it to me, baby ♪

♪ Give it to me, baby ♪

♪ Give it to me, baby ♪

♪ I betcha ♪

♪ I'll make you hot
Till you've had enough ♪

♪ Give it to me ♪

♪ Give me that stuff, that funk
That sweet, that funky stuff ♪

♪ Give it to me ♪

♪ Give me that stuff, that funk
That sweet, that funky stuff ♪

♪ Give it to me, give it to me ♪

♪ Give it to me, give it to me ♪

♪ Give it to me, give it to me ♪

♪ Give me the stuff ♪

♪ That sweet, funky stuff ♪

♪ Oh-ho! Ow! ♪

♪ Give it to me, what you say ♪

♪ Give it to me, what you say ♪

♪ Give it to me ♪

♪ What you say ♪

♪ Give it to me ♪

♪ What you say ♪

- ♪ Hey, girl ♪
- ♪ Give it to me, what you say ♪

♪ Give it to me, what you say ♪

♪ Give it to me ♪

♪ Give it to me ♪

- ♪ Hey, girl ♪
- ♪ Give it to me, what you say ♪

♪ Give it to me, what you say ♪

♪ Give it to me ♪

♪ Give it to me ♪

- ♪ Hey, girl ♪
- ♪ Give it to me, what you say ♪

♪ Give it to me, what you say ♪

♪ Give it to me ♪

♪ Give it to me ♪

- ♪ Hey, girl ♪
- ♪ Give it to me, what you say ♪

- ♪ Hey, girl ♪
- ♪ Give it to me right away ♪

♪ Give it to me ♪

♪ Give it to me ♪

- ♪ Hey, girl ♪
- ♪ Give it to me, what you say ♪

- [sighs]
- You certainly don't dance like him.

Miles, I can explain.

Your business trip.
That's where he disappeared,

right?

I am so, so sorry.

Miles.

[clattering]

[garage door opens]

[engine turns over]

[tires squeal]

Oh.

[grunts]

Oh!

Ow.

f*ck. [grunts]

[grunting]

[dialing]

[line trilling]

- [New Miles] Hello?
- Did you f*ck my wife? Huh?

You cheating, f*cking liar!

[New Miles] Yeah. Why don't you
come on over and we can talk about it.

Oh, I'm going to. I am going to.
Don't f*cking move!

[tires squeal]

[cell phone rings]

[cell phone rings]

I'm gonna rip your g*dd*mn head off!

[Stuart] Good evening,
I'm trying to reach Mr. Miles Elliott?

Uh, oh, uh...

Uh, yeah?

[Stuart] This is Stuart Penbrooke
from the Gold Pencil Awards committee,

and we wanted to share the good news
that your "Neighbors and Friends"...

[grunting]

[honks horn]

f*ck!

[banging]

[panting]

Where are you?

Where are you? Where... Hey!

[door opens]

Wh...

[breathing heavily]

Honey.

I'm home.

[sullen tone] Honey, I'm home.

Babe, I'm home.

Hon?

What's for dinner?

[water running]

He's gone.

He's gone.

We can make it work.

Oh, Kate, I've changed.

I've changed. I've changed.

[sniffs]

I have changed.

[sniffs]

[door opens]

[Kate] Hello?

Miles, are you home?

Miles?

Miles?

- Miles.
- [Miles] Wait.

- [Kate] Miles, we need to talk.
- [Miles] Okay, great.

- But first, I wanna apologize.
- [Kate] Oh.

Wait, was what you wanted to talk about
the pig carcass in the garage?

[Kate] No.

- Actually...
- [Miles] Okay, good. Well...

Just listen.

I've been so selfish,

so focused on me
that Iforgot about you...

and us.

What's important, our family,
our future family.

[Kate] Oh, no.

- Miles, no.
- [Miles] Yes, yes.

Miles.

I'm powerless to the rope.

["Give It To Me Baby" by Rick James
playing faintly]

- ♪ Give it to me, baby ♪
- ♪ Give it to me, baby ♪

♪ I betcha ♪

♪ I'll make you hot like you had enough ♪

♪ Give it to me ♪

[sighs]

[instrumental music plays]

[inhales, sighs]

[sniffs]

Ugh.

[groans]

[water running]

[sniffs]

[sniffs]

[panting]

What... I... No, I...

[sniffs]

[sniffs]

[sniffs]

[sighs]

[sighs]

What the hell am I doing?

[sighs]

[sighs]

[sighs] Why can't someone
just end this for me?

[cell phone ringing]

[continues ringing]

Hello?

[Miles] Did you f*ck my wife? Huh?

You cheating, f*cking liar!

Yeah. I did.

[tires squealing]

Why don't you come on over
and we can talk about it.

[Miles] Oh, I'm going to. I am going to.
Don't f*cking move!

[tires squeal]

[dog barking]

[inhales]

[sighs]

[breathing heavily]

[sighs]

[banging]

[fidgets with door handle]

[Miles panting]

Where are you?

Where are you? Where... Hey!

[Miles panting]

[g*n slides]

It was nice knowing you.

No, it wasn't.

No.

It wasn't.

[inhales deeply]

[pants]

Ah!

[pants]

Are you kidding me?

Shut up.

Can't you do anything right,
you f*cking moron?

[screams]

[grunting]

Aah! Aah!

[grunts] Oh! Oh!

- [yells]
- [grunts]

[panting and grunting]

[both grunting]

Whoa! Oh!

You're an assh*le.
You have everything you need to be happy

and you waste it!

Why should I be happy?
You're the one everyone loves.

Oh, yeah, right.

Aah! [grunts]

[grunting]

[grunts]

[grunts] Aah!

[grunts]

[groans] Aah!

[both grunting]

I'm so sick of your face.

I'm so sick of your whining.

[g*nsh*t]

[empty clicks]

[both grunting]

You ruined my life.

You ruined your life.

[grunts]

[grunting]

I hate you.

I am you!

[both] Aah!

Oh!

f*cking credenza!

[New Miles groans]

[yelling]

[continues yelling]

f*cking credenza!

[panting]

[grunting]

[panting]

I just want you out of my life.

[panting]

Fine.

Make me.

Make you?

Yeah.

Make me.

What, are you gonna pillow fight me
to death?

You want me out of your life?

[grunts] Make me.

Stop it.

[grunts] Make me.

Stop it.

Make me.

Make me. Do something.

You're not gonna do anything.
You know why?

You're a scared little chicken sh*t.

[grunts]

[both grunting]

[muffled yelling]

[grunting]

[muffled yelling]

[grunting]

[grunts]

[grunts, pants]

[grunts]

[panting]

Hey.

Oh.

Oh, God.

Oh, what have I done?

No.

No.

No.

[panting]

[grunts]

Come on.

[panting]

[grunts]

[grunts]

[blows air]

[panting]

Aah.

[panting]

Oh.

[gasps]

[blows air]

[gagging]

Aah! [spits]

[coughing]

- [New Miles coughing]
- [spits]

- [New Miles coughing]
- [groans]

[grunts]

[panting]

You wanna know
what I hate about you the most?

[panting]

Wh... What?

You got to wake up next to her everyday

for ten years.

All I've got are memories.

And those aren't even real.

I just wanted your life.

I loved your life.

I loved it, too.

[sighs]

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, too.

I don't wanna k*ll you.

I don't wanna k*ll you either.

I want us both to be better.

Me too.

You should probably quit drinking.

I know. I know.

Why?

'Cause you're really gaining some weight.

Especially, like, right in here.

You look like sh*t.

What?

f*ck you.

[door opens]

[door closes]

Well, I see you two talked.

So, how was he?

Better than me?

[sighs]

Not that great actually. Sorry.

Really?

Not great?

So... Wait, does that mean
that I'm worse than not great?

Why don't you just let her talk?

Don't tell me how to talk to my wife.

I'm not telling you how to talk to her.

- I'm saying, let her talk.
- Why are you talking at all?

Oh, just stop it, would you,
for five minutes?

For the love of God.

Then you can go back
to strangling each other

or whatever you were in the middle of.

[sighs[

I am so, so sorry.

I am. I'm...

[sighs]

I betrayed you.

I betrayed us.

And there is no excuse.

None.

Except to say that this...

this has all been
a monumentally confusing time.

But there's one thing that's clear now.

And that's that you are my husband, Miles.

Not him.

Okay.

Okay, I'll... I'll be gone by tonight.

What? [stammers] No one...

should go anywhere...

quite just yet.

I'm pregnant.

[both] What?

I'm pregnant.

[both] Are you sure?

It's...

It's early days, but, um, yeah.

Whose is it?

I don't know.

And there's no way of ever knowing.

I looked it up. And unsurprisingly,

there's no test for it.

With identical sets of DNA, well, I mean,

it could be either of yours, or both...

I guess.

So, what does this mean?

Who knows.

I'll tell you what it means.

We're gonna have a baby.

[chuckles]

[laughs]

[chuckles]

[laughs]

[laughing]

[laughing] We're having a baby.

[laughs]

[Kate laughing]

[sniffles]

[laughs]

[laughs]

[laughs]

Mmm.

["Road To Nowhere"
by the Talking Heads plays]

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ We're on a road to nowhere ♪

♪ Come on inside ♪

♪ Taking that ride to nowhere ♪

♪ We'll take that ride ♪

♪ I'm feeling okay this morning ♪

♪ And you know ♪

♪ We're on the road to paradise ♪

♪ Here we go ♪

♪ Here we go ♪