04x05 - Episode 5

[bunniefuu]

- So...

The weather is /

for this weekend's big charity picnic

out on the island.

- Yeah, Tom, well, there's definitely

a chance of some thundershower activity,

and the tornado watch is still in effect

until :.

So keep watching

for those tornadoes until :.

- Okay, yeah, sure, we'll do that.

But, Bill, listen, tell me.

When are we gonna get some of that

good weather you promised us?

- Well, next weekend looks good, Nina,

but I'm not promising anything.

I'm not God.

[laughing]

- "Not God," well,

thanks for letting us know.

[laughter]

- That's all for Channel News.

For Tom Slater and "God," Phil Vashill,

I'm Nina Spudniak.

Stay tuned for "Kids in the Hall"

coming up next.

[rousing music]

♪

[laid-back rock music]

♪

[heart monitor beeping]

- All right, what do we got here?

- It's a real mess, doc.

Severe internal bleeding, kidney damage.

What I'm most worried about is his

cranial laceration.

- Doctor, we just got the x-rays back.

[dramatic music]

♪

[indistinct chatter]

- [coughs]

[pop]

[giggling]

[wheezing]

[rapid beeping]

- Oh, for God's sakes.

Who's responsible for this IV?

- It was me. I put it in, but it--

it was solid.

- It's true, Doctor, I saw him do it.

Maybe the patient moved.

- Yeah, he looks real lively, doesn't he?

Look, I'm not gonna stand for this kind of

sloppiness on my shift; is that understood?

- Yes.

- Yes, Doctor. - All right.

Now look at this.

There may be some spinal damage--

- [giggling]

[machine beeping steadily]

[grunting]

[machine flatlining]

- He's gone flatline.

We're losing him.

- Let's zap him. Charge me up.

[electricity humming]

Clear.

[electric jolt, screaming]

There's water all over the floor.

Charge me up again!

- He's gone. [machine stops]

[ominous music]

- Right, I'm calling it.

Time of death is : p.m.

- Who ordered ten pizzas?

- Get those pizzas out of here.

- [giggling]

[choking, wheezing]

[rock music]

♪

- Hi, Scott. - Hi there.

- I'm Donovan.

- Oh, hi, Donovan.

And?

- Well, I'm responding to your ad.

- My ad? What ad?

- Yeah.

This one.

"Gay white male." - Uh-huh.

- "With own television show."

- Yes. - "Seeks uncommonly

"beautiful stud, whom he can never have,

"if it weren't for the fact he's a TV star

for discreet evening encounters."

- Well, that sounds like me.

But, uh, Donovan,

I don't think this is the time

or the place.

- Why not?

Look, in real life,

you could never have me, right?

- Yeah, that's-- that's sadly true.

- Well, think of me as a perk.

- Oh, like baseball tickets.

- I am uncommonly beautiful, aren't I?

- Oh, God, yeah.

- And it is evening.

- Yes it is, but it's hardly discreet.

Donovan, we're on television.

- I know that.

Well, what's wrong, stud?

Is the great gay hero afraid

of what people will say?

- No! I'm not.

It's just that, well, I--I'm in the next scene.

- So miss it. - Hmm?

- Look, I'm gonna go wait in your dressing room.

I'm gonna give you five minutes

You can talk the talk.

Let's see if you can

walk the walk.

- [sighs]

Thrills gum.

God, I-- I'd really love to

help him out in his goal

to f*ck a celebrity, but...

I don't know, I mean--

I have-- I have a responsibility

to my troupe and--

- Oh, by the way, Scotty,

did I mention I'm straight?

- Go to a commercial.

[rock music]

♪

[upbeat music]

- Ta-da!

- Looks great.

- Wonderful looking turkey, Mrs. Ketchall.

- -pounder.

- We had a -pounder once, and there was a fight.

- -pounder.

- I get the neck.

- Yes, Mr. Ketchall.

- Of course you do, dear.

- The neck is mine.

I mean, why else would I work like a rat all year?

Do you think you're big enough

to take the neck from your old man?

- No, Father.

- Oh, you two are always kidding.

- I'll tell you what I'm gonna do

as the head of this household.

I'm gonna eat this son of a bitch.

And I'm gonna wash the pecker

down with gravy.

Is there anybody here that has it

in their head to stop me?

Good. Then watch me go.

Mm-hmm, yeah.

Myra...

you beautiful thing.

When I look at you, all I can think about

is the beautiful years we've had together.

- Oh.

- You've mothered two lovely children.

One of whom is still speaking to us.

I look at you.

I don't see a -year-old housewife.

I see the beautiful, barefoot -year-old

I married.

I want you to have the neck.

- Oh, gosh.

both: Aww.

- Shut up.

- Oh, gosh.

[crunching]

[gulp]

[gasping softly]

It's stuck.

- Here, wash it down with gravy.

- She's turning blue.

Who here took that free first-aid course,

the one that only takes a couple of hours,

and you can save someone's life with it?

- Don't panic.

- Don't panic.

- Don't panic!

- [gasping softly]

What? [harp strumming]

Oh!

[upbeat music]

I'm floating.

Without my earthly trappings.

I must be having one of those

out-of-body experiences I've read about.

Ooh!

- [wailing] - Oh, look how filthy

my dining room looks from up here.

- Stop punching him.

- Look how dusty that lamp is.

Oh.

Oh.

- So no one knows what to do?

- Don't do anything!

- But shouldn't we try and

dislodge the turkey neck?

- No, don't do anything

until a trained professional gets here.

- [giggles]

Oh, I feel like a schoolgirl.

- I think we should take her shoes off

and oil her feet.

- No!

Don't do anything until a trained

professional gets here.

- Okay, I'll call one. - No!

Don't touch that phone!

Don't do anything until a trained

professional gets here;

is anybody listening to me?

- Oh, my. I never noticed how big

Grayson's bald spot was getting before.

[groaning]

[upbeat music]

- Hello, Myra.

- Iris?

What're you doing up here?

- Having an out-of-body experience.

- Oh, what did you, love?

- Error in judgment.

Fridge fell on me.

- Oh.

- Of course, now none of the family

knows what to do.

- Oh, I'll be right over.

Good thing I didn't float to the Great Beyond.

Well, no rest for the wicked.

[upbeat music]

[thud]

- Grayson, you're going bald.

- Mom, you're alive!

- Yes, and I've got a lot of cleaning up to do.

First, I've got to go over to Iris's

and take the fridge off her,

then I've got to dust this whole place.

Oh, no rest for the wicked.

[upbeat music]

- Great, there's still some meat on it.

Well, let's tuck in.

[rock music]

♪

- I mean, he's a nice enough kid;

it's just that they--they let him run

their lives.

I mean, they only eat what he wants to eat.

They only watch the TV shows

he wants to watch.

I mean, my God, he's only five years old.

Promise me, John, if we ever have children,

we won't coddle.

Coddling is for eggs, not for children.

John?

John?

John, is something wrong?

- Who are you?

Where am I?

Who am I, for that matter?

- John, don't do this.

- I can't seem to remember anything.

- John, I am warning you...

- The last thing I remember is

going to the bathroom, nothing else.

I must have amnesia.

- John-- - Yes, of course, amnesia.

There's no other explanation.

- John!

- I'm sorry, do I know you, stranger?

- You know damn well I'm your wife.

- So says you!

Look, let me propose this, stranger:

I go away for a while

hang around some loose women,

live life to its fullest.

And one day, my memory comes back,

maybe I'll return.

Besides, the last thing you need right now

is to take care of an emotional invalid.

You have your own life, whoever you are.

- John?

If you don't get into bed this minute,

I am going to get a baseball bat

and thrash you to within an inch of your life.

- Memories, pulsing back.

My life, returning.

- Well, good night, dear.

- I can't sleep!

- [sighs]

Why not?

- How do I know that I won't be dead when I

wake up?

- What?

- How do I know that I won't die in my sleep?

- Believe me, you won't.

- So says you!

Look, I have an idea:

why don't I go away for a while,

hang around some loose women,

live life to its fullest?

And one day, if the fear goes away,

maybe I'll even return.

Fear, receding.

Life, returning to normal.

- Good night, dear.

- Good night, stranger.

-John! - Night, honey.

[rock music]

♪

- You were saying?

- My new film is a very

important film.

Right?

Because the world today, I mean,

it's a dark and shrouded place, you know.

Pessimistic.

And film is light.

But I say, if the film

up on the screen is dark,

then where is the light?

- What's the name of your film?

- "Sex Girl Patrol."

- "Sex Girl Patrol."

The title is very sexist.

- Why, thank you; it's a very

sexist film, yes.

- What's the film about?

- Right, good question.

At the dawn of the third millennium, right?

The forces of sex

negativity, all right?

Continue to dominate the planet Earth.

Now w*r and the bloodshed

and the sexual frustration

is everywhere, so for this reason,

the Grand Council of Hot Love,

you know, up in space,

decide to dispatch three of their

finest love commandos.

They be Monique, and Trudie, and Ginger.

To see out hate and the evil and...

sexy problems, eh?

Now, aided only by Sex Boy,

without whose sex nourishment

they're sexual energy is

incomplete, and relying only on

their ability to generate extreme

sexual horniness in absolutely everybody,

this Sex Girl Patrol

is out to save the planet.

[lively percussion]

male announcer: "Sex Girl Patrol."

[lively music]

♪ They're in control

♪ With body and soul

♪ They're in control

♪ Sex Girl Patrol

♪ Sex Girl Patrol, yeah

With Sex Boy.

[whooshing]

- [moaning]

- Good work, Monique.

They are sexing very well.

- Yes, Ginger.

Their passion wasn't lost,

only hidden.

And what of the grandfather?

- He's upstairs having sex.

- On the bed?

- No, on the phone.

- Well done, Ginger.

[dog howling] Listen.

Even the dogs are panting with passion.

- And yet... Duesseldorf is such

an unfunny town.

- Yes, but once we make more

sex here,

it'll be a different place.

- Ginger! Monique!

Someone has kidnapped Sex Boy.

[ominous music] - Sex Boy?

- Kidnapped?

- But who?

[whooshing]

- The world must come to God.

Yeah.

As surely as those

body parts which have sinned against him

will fall off to the ground

and burst into flames,

the world will come to God.

But it can't come to God

without your financial contributions,

so please give generously.

God bless you.

- Cut! And clear.

[bell rings]

- [spits]

For when they do come to God,

all stupid and timid

and horny,

then only I

will be able to give them satisfaction.

Do I hear an amen, Sex Boy?

- Could I have just one hand free?

How much trouble could I get into with

just one hand?

[whooshing]

[clacking]

- The computer is almost programmed.

- And the nude is almost ready.

both: Trudie.

- This came.

- A video cassette?

- Yes.

- Why? From where?

From whom?

- I don't know.

- Oh, I'm almost scared to play it.

[ominous music]

♪

- But we must.

[static crackling]

all: Sex Boy.

[suspenseful music]

[all moaning]

- [moaning]

[all moaning]

Help me.

Help Sex Boy.

Ooh.

Rub Sex Boy.

Sex Boy needs touching.

- You're in the sh*t.

- Oh, well, uh--

sh**t another one, but don't send them

this one, or they'll know who I am.

- You want me to send them this one?

- No, don't send them this one.

Send them another one.

- Wait a minute, what--what do you

want me to send?

- Look, forget about this one.

Send them the next one. sh**t another one.

- Okay, I'll get another tape.

[ominous music]

- Well, I think we know where to go now.

all: The Blue Note Club.

[whooshing]

[rock music]

♪

- Nothing.

- Why do you think they took Sex Boy?

- I don't know, Trudie.

Why do they drown kittens?

Bad sex has made them nervous,

unwilling to think.

- So this is the famous Sex Girl Patrol?

[whooshing]

Somehow I thought you'd be taller.

- We're tall enough.

Where is Sex Boy?

- Stop it!

Let's just say that Sex Boy

is somewhere on the other side

of our big sticks.

- Okay, girls.

I think it's time for...

all: The deadly sex look.

♪

[all grunting]

man: Deadly sex look.

♪

- Oh!

[alarm blaring] Attention! Attention!

We are under sex att*ck!

Repeat: we are under sex att*ck!

Will all nonessential personnel

please vacate the hidden area in an orderly fashion.

- [screams]

[shouts indistinctly]

[pop]

- Sex Girl Patrol?

- Sex Boy dies.

♪

- Look!

♪

- [groaning]

- The caveman?

But you have been frozen in ice for a million years!

You can't be alive!

- [grunting]

- [screaming]

[upbeat rock music]

♪

- Hold it. I'm a little confused.

Where does the caveman come from?

I just have to ask.

- Asking, asking, asking; always multitasking.

You're just like the studio.

That caveman is the one thing I fought for.

Watch the film.

♪

- [woman singing indistinctly]

♪ You'd find a way to be happy ♪

♪ If you just let your love be true now ♪

♪

♪ Let love find you in your own place ♪

♪ Let love find you in your own place now ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah

♪ Oh, oh, oh

♪ Hey, hey, hey