04x07 - Episode 7

[bunniefuu]

[upbeat rock music]

♪

- No, I know-- I know it's a cliché,

but my favorite album of all time is still "Sgt. Pepper."

- "Sgt. Pepper"? What's that?

- Well, it's only The Beatles most famous album.

- The Beatles.

I'm sorry. Who are they?

- Well, the best group of the 's.

- Oh, the 's.

I didn't hear much music in the 's.

- What? What are you talking about?

- Well, Dad always was a little crazy,

but after the car accident when he started taking medication,

things got worse.

One night he woke me up and knocked me out.

Brought me down to the basement

where I lived for the next decade.

I heard no music.

I had no friends.

I just lived in the darkness.

They shoved food under my door,

so I had to eat pancakes and pizzas.

It was a nightmare.

But I survived.

- That's horrible.

I'm sorry. I...

- Of course I heard of The Beatles.

Hey, everyone!

I told this moron that my crazy dad locked me in the basement

for ten years.

[laughs]

- I'm gonna k*ll him.

I mean, that's understood, right?

Okay.

[laid-back rock music]

♪

- For what we are about to eat, we give thanks.

Amen. - Amen.

[squawking in distance]

Mother?

- Yes, dear?

- There's something out there.

- We aren't expecting anybody.

I don't see anyone, dear.

- Hello!

[both scream] Can I come in?

Can I come in?

Hi.

I used to live here.

Can I come in and look around?

- Well, actually we're in the middle of our...

- Oh, thanks.

Oh, God, the memories, eh?

They flood like...

like memories!

Oh...

Oh, look at that, eh?

The old cupboards.

Loved these old cupboards.

Oh, hi, cupboards.

Do you remember me? Do you remember me?

- What is it, Mum?

- I don't know.

- You shouldn't have these out.

I'm not allowed to play with these.

These got to go away.

♪ Oh, give me a home, where the-- ♪

Hey, I don't remember this.

- That's because it's ours.

- Oh, yeah? It's really nice.

both: Thank you.

- You're welcome.

Oh, the table!

Know what?

I was born right here on this table.

- Are-- Are you all right, dear?

- Yeah, I'm remembering.

[grunting]

[crackling and crumbling]

- What is it?

- Supposed to be a chicken.

But it's also a kid.

It's a chicken kid.

It's a girl.

- What have you done?

What have you done?

- [mumbling]

How dare you say--

[chicken peeps]

- [gasps]

- Suppose I should leaves you alone,

so as you can k*ll it.

- Stop squirming, you ugly...

- Mama.

- Ooh, baby.

[lightning crackles]

- Oh!

This is the room where my mom and my stepdad used to sleep.

- You shouldn't be in here.

- This is our room.

- Oh, do you have sex here?

This is where you have sex?

[gasps]

- [moaning]

[creaking]

[thumping]

[moaning]

- [grunting]

- Hmm?

- Damn brat's in the room.

- What are you doing?

- Get out!

- And high school was hard for me,

'cause I was really unpopular.

Want to know why? 'Cause I was special.

Yeah, my mom said so.

She said all the other kids would pay in hell!

Hey!

That's where I used to catch my bus,

right down there.

Wait!

This is it! This is my room!

Could you open it up? I've just got to see it.

I met my first boyfriend here.

[all laughing]

- What's going on?

Hey! Where am I?

What-- What's that smell?

[pounding on door]

Guys. Guys!

- They say the experience left him scarred,

scarred for life!

[coughing softly]

I'm sorry, I'm a little thirsty.

Can I go drink out of your toilet?

- May God have mercy on your soul!

- Yeah. You too, eh?

Thanks. Bye.

Aww, good-bye, porch!

Good-bye, tree!

Good-bye, pathway!

Good-bye, little bush!

Good-bye, house!

Good-bye!

Oh, good-bye, telephone pole!

Bye, telephone pole!

Hello, car!

- So, that's your old house?

- Yeah, I think it was.

No, wait! There it is!

That's it there! Stop the car!

You got to stop the car! That's my house!

I wanna go in there; it's full of memories.

- That was the last damned house!

- Oh, you got to stop the car.

I want to go see my old bedroom.

- I'm not stopping!

- I want to see my old bedroom and the bathroom!

[laid-back rock music]

♪

[rock music]

♪

- Oh. Yeah.

Oh. That's great, Trandra.

Time for work.

- Too cool.

- Listen, Trandra,

how about a little HO to take the edge off?

- Right on.

- Thanks, Trandra.

Listen, Trandra,

this isn't Alpra Turna water.

This is common tap water.

- Right.

- Listen, I hate to get heavy,

but you're fired.

Is that cool?

- Too cool.

- Two weeks pay?

- Whatever.

- There's the door. Why don't you...

check it out.

- Groovy.

Letter of reference?

- Rockin'.

Hey, if I can't trust her with the water,

what's my lunch gonna look like?

♪

[rock music]

♪

[knock on door]

- Hello, Dr. Banning?

- Mr. Fanning, please, have a seat.

Well, the test results are back.

- Oh. And?

- Afraid it's cancer.

A brain tumor. Terminal.

- How long? - A month at the most.

- [sighs] I've got a month to live.

I'm going to die?

- Not you! Me!

I'm talking about my test results!

God, you patients are all the same!

It's always "How am I doing?"

Well, you know, I get test results too!

I can't believe I'm gonna die.

- Well, what about my test results?

- Oh, you've got an ulcer.

- Oh, yay! Thank you!

Oh, wow!

- Hey, wait a minute! - What?

- These files are mixed up!

- What? - Why--

Fanning must've gotten in the Banning file.

It's you! You've got cancer!

- What?

I've got a month to live.

- Yeah, isn't it great?

Now I know how to handle this!

Well, Mr. Fanning, I've got some terrible news.

- I know. - Isn't it terrific?

What a relief. I'm gonna live!

- Wait, wait, doctor. Doctor.

- What?

- It says Fanning here, but inside it's the Manning chart.

- You're right. It does say Manning.

- So I'm not gonna die?

- No, Manning is.

[both scream]

- Yeah, thank you!

[intercom beeps] - Excuse me, doctor.

Mr. Manning is here to see you.

[both chuckle softly]

- Send him in, nurse.

- Do you mind? - No, stay.

- Mr. Manning. - Hi.

- Hi.

[both giggling]

- What?

[both giggling]

- Have a seat. [giggling]

♪

- Things to do.

Things to do today.

Got a big day ahead of me.

Several things to do.

Got to keep on top of my life.

Got to keep on top of my life.

Got seven things to do.

Number one: banking.

Number two: pick up dry cleaning.

Okay, you just knocked over an old lady.

Keep moving. You got seven things to do!

Okay, one down.

I got six things to do.

Number two: pick up dry cleaning.

Number-- wait a second.

I got number five where number seven should be.

Number eight:

switch number five with number seven.

- Good morning, everybody.

This is a hold-up.

I repeat, this is a hold-up.

No funny business, or this will happen to you.

[g*nsh*t]

Get the money.

[alarm ringing]

Aw, great, now we need a hostage.

- Okay.

- You!

- All right, you're being held hostage.

Add to the schedule.

Adapt and adjust!

Number two: pick up dry cleaning.

Excuse me, could you drop me off at my dry cleaners?

It's on Pape and Danforth. Thanks.

- Look,

maybe you don't understand the situation that you're in.

You are a hostage, and I am a man with a g*n.

So shut up!

- Here's my dry cleaners! Thank you.

[brakes squeal]

[bell jingles]

- Nice try, smart-ass. Let's go.

- He won't give me my pants 'cause I lost my tag.

- No tag, no pants!

- Well, give him his pants.

- No!

- Look, give him his pants or this'll happen to you.

[g*nsh*t]

- Holy--

- Oh, yeah, theseareyour pants.

My mistake.

- Number three: buy stamps.

Hmm.

Driver, turn right.

I'm going to the post office.

- Oh, we're not going right. We're going left.

- Turn right. - No, we're going left.

Turn left!

- Could you turn right, driver?

- Look, we're going left.

If you don't shut up,

this is going to happen to you!

[g*nsh*t]

[horn blaring]

Uh-oh.

[tires squealing]

[crash]

- Number three: buy stamps.

Okay!

Got to keep on top of my life.

Got to keep on top of my life.

Okay, just knocked over the same old lady.

Keep moving! You got five things to do.

Number three: buy stamps.

Number four: pay bills.

♪

- Got to do your abs.

- I hope you don't find it, um, delinquent of me

that I haven't updated my résumé,

but I've been researching your exciting company.

- Too cool.

Listen, I've cruised your résumé,

and here's how I think we should proceed.

Let's have a couple of quick tokes.

- Um, frankly, I'm not sure.

- But I grew it myself.

Listen, I'm gonna cut you some slack

and get right to the grief.

Groovy?

- Groovy.

- You're right for the job,

but the job's wrong for you.

Ciao.

Hey, he slobbered on my pot.

♪

♪

No.

Grooveless.

Not enough edge.

[nail scrapes]

Is that a knock?

- Listen, dude, I'm here for the gig.

- Check this out.

You're hired.

- Sure. When do I start?

- Nowish.

First order of business--

- Dinner reservations?

- Right.

- A nice little Japanese place

that serves fries on the side?

- Yum, yum, yum. I'll dig that in my tum.

Listen, I'm not hiring you

just because you're a young beautiful woman.

- Right.

I just happen to be a young, beautiful woman.

- Right.

We feminists have to stick together.

♪

- Well, I thought that was a beautiful funeral, Judy,

and I thought Reverend Hall gave such a lovely eulogy.

Oh, I'm sure Chuck would have appreciated it.

- No, Fran.

Chuck hated the Reverend Hall.

Thought he was a Nellie.

- Oh.

Oh, Judy, you're just lashing out, aren't you, pet?

I'll tell you one thing:

everybody in this neighborhood

is very supportive.

- No, Fran, no one in this neighborhood

has ever been supportive of anything.

- Oh, well, that's not true.

- Oh, Fran, what about last Christmas?

That man crashed his car, was crawling around the street,

covered in blood?

- Oh, oh, oh. We were just being polite.

Yeah, if he wanted our help, he would have asked for it.

And besides, you know, I think he was Portuguese.

You know how proud they are.

Oh, there, there. Let it all out.

Come on. Oh, yeah.

You've suffered a great, great loss,

but the sadness will pass.

- No, no, no, no, Fran.

- What?

- I'm not crying; I'm laughing.

- Oh.

- You have no idea how happy I am

now that Chuck is dead.

- Oh. Judy, don't say that.

He was a good man.

- Oh, no, he wasn't, Fran.

God, years I put up with that fat smelly body

next to mine.

- Oh.

- years of burping, farting, and football.

- Oh, but he was your husband,

for goodness sakes.

You know, till death do you part?

- Oh, Fran, he wasn't a husband.

He was a habit.

I am a recovering spousaholic, Fran.

- Oh, it's the grief talking. Not you. I know that.

- Oh, Fran, his death was like liposuction.

I lost pounds of ugly, flaccid fat.

Look at me, Fran.

I was meant to where black.

- Well, it is a tragedy for sure,

so what are you gonna do now, dear?

- I'm gonna travel, Fran. - Oh.

- That's right.

I'm gonna go to Tahiti.

- Oh? - Yep.

I'm going to Tahiti,

and I'm going to paint young Tahitian boys.

Not pictures of them, Fran.

I'm going to paint the boys.

- Oh.

But why?

They're already a lovely brown color.

Now, there were some people today at the funeral

who were an awful, awful gray pallor.

They could use a new coat of paint.

Remember, charity begins at home.

- Well, this isn't about charity, Fran.

This is about me and a whole lot of insurance money.

Gordon's insured, isn't he?

- Oh, oh, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, but I'll tell ya,

I couldn't imagine a life without my Gordy.

- Oh, Fran, just think of the possibilities.

- I couldn't. Oh, I couldn't

I couldn't. I couldn't possibly.

- Oh, Fran, you never could keep house.

Look what I found in the couch.

[boom]

- Oh!

I just imagined blowing Gordon up.

I feel horrible.

- Oh, Fran.

Don't punish yourself for your thoughts.

Just think of all the things you could do if you were single.

I mean, you could go back to school or get a job

or coax young boys into manhood.

- Ooh!

Well, I could do a lot more volunteer work, yeah.

Oh, but it's easy for you. Chuck is dead.

- Oh, Fran, why don't you just come with me?

I've got oodles of money.

You can't imagine how much insurance money you get

when your old man is accidentally ground up

to make cat food.

- Well, you know, Judy,

I do have my passport.

And my vaccinations are up to date.

And I don't have a criminal record.

Oh, just thinking about it gets my blood pressure soaring.

- Hey, hey, hey, Fran.

King of the anglers is home.

[chuckles]

Look at these beauties here.

All the other guys with their fancy lures,

and I caught these devils with good old-fashioned

paper clips and snot.

- Oh! Gordon.

- Oops.

Hi, Judy.

Listen, sorry to hear about Chuck being ground up like that,

but it was inevitable.

- Gordon!

- Well, he never wore a helmet.

- Well, Fran, I'm going to go down to the art supply store.

Should I get anything for you?

- No, just send me a postcard, pet.

- All right.

Don't let that policy lapse.

- I won't.

- Listen, Fran, I still got some pretty good worms

in that tackle box.

Why don't you put 'em in fresh earth.

- Yes, master.

- Oh, quit your joking around.

- You are my zombie lord.

- Oh, come on, Fran.

- Your wish is my command.

♪♪