04x08 - Episode 8

[bunniefuu]

- Go.

Come on.

Go!

- Good evening, fair woman of the night.

Come.

Live with me in my mansion

and leave this dangerous life behind.

I will shower you with the finest jewels

and dress you in the finest clothes.

You shall never want again in love or in life.

- No.

No, wait, I meant to say yes!

I meant to say yes!

Oh! - Oh.

Oh, I can't believe it.

I meant to-- once in a lifetime.

I meant--oh.

- Oh, I know. You always do that.

You want to go for coffee?

- No.

Yes! Yes!

- Oh, come on. - Yes.

- You sure? - I meant yes.

- Ah, there'll be lots of billionaires in your future.

[laid-back rock music]

♪

-♪ Dream genie

- Oh!

One more time!

Ready?

Oh!

[doorbell rings]

- I'll get it.

Hello.

both: Hello.

Did you know that movie stars

get their hair cut every day?

It's true.

Movie stars get their hair cut every day

so no one will notice and make fun of them

like at our school.

At our school, one kid, Tosa Korgetski, age ,

we used to think he shaved his head,

but it turned out his dad was just strict.

- We were wondering if we could come in

and talk to you at great lengths about the Lord.

- The Lord. - Sure, come on in.

- Huh?

- I was just sweating to the oldies,

because with all the casseroles I was given

after my mom's untimely death,

they left on me too much chubby fat.

So now I must sweat to the oldies,

because if you're fat,

you wind up living in a trailer park, gossiping

and craving country and western music.

- Yes, we understand.

- Yes, and there has been

a period of grief in the home?

- Yes.

Can't trust a bug.

- Huh?

- See I was training some smarter cockroaches

into my own flea circus,

but then, when the light went on,

they went AWOL.

Can't trust a bug, nope.

- Hmm. - Yes.

No, you alluded to the death of your mother.

- Mother.

Yes, do you have some news from her?

both: No.

- So then heaven doesn't exist?

- [coughing]

I just can't drink like I used to when I was .

[coughs]

- What was that?

- A human hangover.

- Your father seems to have the devil in him.

- The devil in him.

- No, it's ounces of Navy Rum.

I eat things for money.

I do.

I eat seemingly inedible objects for small sums of money.

- Well, the scriptures are very...

- Okay, I'll eat your Bible.

But it'll cost you a lot

and take me several days of munching and snacking.

- No, no, we don't want you to eat our bible.

- Eat our bible.

- We want you to read our bible.

- Read our bible.

- Do you know that if your mom dies

and you tell the bus driver, you can get on for free?

- Huh?

- Yeah, it's true, oh yeah.

- Oh, no. Oh, no.

Oh, yeah.

Gavin.

- Yes, father?

- Who are those two guys?

- Strangers in matching suits.

- Okay.

Ah, tomato juice.

Ah.

- Do you guys sleep in those suits?

- Son the inner workings of our religion

are our own concern.

- Perhaps if you just held the Bible

something might sink in.

- Like there's no heaven?

I knew this one kid who wouldn't take blood transfusions,

so instead they gave him apple juice,

and in the autumn,

he changed color,

fell out of a tree, and d*ed!

[giggles]

It's true.

- Well, we're leaving, and we're not ever coming back.

- Ever coming back.

- Okay, you're my new best friends.

- No, we are not your new best friends.

- Okay, bye.

- Dad, I have some bad news for you.

- Yeah?

- You're not going to heaven.

- Surprise, surprise.

- No, it's because it doesn't exist.

I guess that means that hell doesn't exist either.

- Really?

What do you call this place?

Come on, Gavin, help your old man with his hangover.

[engine grinding]

- [humming]

[engine grinding]

- [grunts]

[sighs]

- What's wrong, Danny.

- Darn thing won't start.

- Maybe the...

spark plugs aren't f*ring?

- Thanks for the tip, honey,

but would you let me, please?

Okay?

Come on.

What is wrong?

I know.

[sighs]

Try it now.

[engine grinding]

Huh.

That should do it. Try it now.

[engine grinding]

- It's not starting.

- Damn!

Hmm.

Try it now.

[engine grinding]

Sheesh.

[sighs]

Hmm.

Try it now.

Come on, give her juice.

Crank her! Crank her!

Come on!

Come on!

Rats, I just don't get it.

I just don't get it.

Try it now.

[engine grinding]

Hmm.

Try it now.

[engine grinding]

Nothing.

Hmm, well, maybe we should just stay home then, huh?

Let's just rent a movie, build a fire.

Yeah, yeah, just the two of us.

Try it now!

[engine grinding]

Try it now!

[engine grinding]

Try it now!

[engine grinding]

Dang!

- Daniel, it's no use.

- I've got an idea.

Okay.

It's--ah.

Here's the problem.

Come on, you little rascal.

It's one of the Thompson brats.

Try it now.

[engine turns over]

- Eureka!

- Okay, let's go Scooter.

[child giggles]

There you go.

[dog snarling]

Okay.

Phantom, here we come!

both: ♪ We don't have time ask

♪ What's behind the mask

[cheerful wordless singing]

♪

- ♪ Lovely

♪ You're my desire

- [singing gibberish]

- Hey, you know what's really terrific?

- Getting up so early in the morning

you don't have to rush?

- Yeah, yeah, that's terrific,

but what's really terrific is,

you go out for a nice supper.

- Oh, that's just super.

- Isn't that great?

You know, we went to this one place last week,

it's not too far, it's not too crowded,

you can park the car.

We had a beautiful time.

- Yeah, we went to this one place,

it was just fantastic.

They serve up really a tremendous meal.

It's one of those Japanese places

where they serve up the food right in front of you.

- Now, that sounds fabulous.

- Yeah, it's one where the guys are there,

with their knives,

and the things they do with these knives,

it's--it's a show; it's just--it's fantastic.

It's super.

It's entertaining as hell.

It's a hoot is what it is.

- Yeah, you know what's really, really great?

I find is, you get up first thing in the morning,

that's so super.

- Oh, that's fantastic. - Yeah.

- [singing gibberish]

Oh, yeah.

- Ah.

- Here's something that Doug Lake used to do a lot.

- Oh, yeah?

- You get up first thing in the morning,

you have your normal tremendous meal--

- Oh, sounds fabulous.

- You get dressed, and you drive to work.

- Yeah, sounds great.

- No, no, but listen to the truly terrific part.

You're driving to work,

and the radio's playing one of those fabulous old tunes,

you know, and you're humming maybe.

- Yeah.

- And, my God, the air.

You get to work, and you drive right by.

- Huh?

- It's Saturday.

[both laugh]

[both groan]

- So, listen, I hope I'm gonna see you

at the Christmas party.

- You kidding?

You'd have to drag me away from that shindig.

Nice band, nice spread-- wow, it's gonna be fun.

- Yeah.

Last year's, wasn't that great?

What a hoot.

This year, got a suit picked out,

nice shirt, fantastic.

- Terrific.

- Yeah, it's gonna be fantastic.

- Fantastically terrific.

[laid-back rock music]

♪

[indistinct conversation]

- Excuse me.

- Yeah?

- I-I-I-I...

- Hmm?

- I never, um, normally...

- Yeah? - What is it?

What?

- Come out here, but....

- It's okay.

- I was wonder--

- What is the matter?

Why are you so nervous, eh?

What is it you want, huh?

- Well, well I want--

Tell me, would you like this woman

to have sex with you for money, eh?

Is that what you would like, eh?

- Yeah.

Ah, well, let me introduce you.

Jocelyn, I would like you to meet, uh...

- Hi, I'm Nat.

- This is Nat.

Oh, thank you!

Hello, Nat.

Hello, hello.

So, why don't you two go together somewhere?

- Okay, Nat? - Okay.

Okay, so we go now.

- Okay, leave me the sock; I'll use it later.

- Oh, sure.

- [screaming]

What? What? What?

- It's okay. - I'll be back.

- Okay, okay.

Okay.

God, I hope she's okay.

- Hi.

I'm Kevin Hamilton McDonald,

and I'm about to stun you with a remarkable set of facts.

Years ago, people discovered the astonishing similarities

between John F. Kennedy and Abraham Lincoln.

Well, I, too, have made another eerie discovery:

the astonishing similarities

between my family, the McDonalds...

and the "Airport" movie series,

starring such wonderful actors

as Dean Martin, Burt Lancaster, and Charlton Heston.

Fact one:

in the movie "Airport,"

the lead character was a salesman

who decides to blow up the airplane he is on

so that his wife can collect the insurance money.

In the McDonald family,

my father was a salesman.

Coincidence?

Fact two:

"Airport '."

In , a sequel to the movie "Airport"

is released starring Karen Black.

In , my mother dyes her hair...

Black.

Coincidence?

Fact three:

"Airport '," a movie in which

a large jumbo jet is trapped underwater.

In , I failed my superfish swimming test,

because I can't hold my breath ten seconds underwater.

I am also fat and therefore cruelly nicknamed "Jumbo."

Coincidence?

Fact four:

"Airport '"!

The story of a bitter millionaire

who sends a nuclear m*ssile...

[deep rumbling]

Hey!

What's the--

I'm trapped! I'm trapped!

- Oh, sweet Jesus.

The scene has crashed!

I repeat, the scene has crashed!

We need to get some help down there.

- Hang on, Mr. McDonald.

We're comin' for ya.

[grunting]

Come on, get up.

Don't give up like Shelly.

There we go.

- Hey, Chuck Heston!

Coincidence?

No, it's a madhouse!

A mad house!

- So you were saying?

- I'm saying that the merger...

- Sure, right, right.

-Mr. Shatner's here, sir.

- Send him in.

- Gentlemen.

- Shatner.

I'd like you to meet my VP, Jay Brandon, and this is...

everybody else.

- Well, pleasure to meet you,

you dead-eyed corporate lackies.

- Well, Shatner, I've heard a lot of good things about you

from my friend Jim Taylor over at your head office.

- Oh, that's good to know.

- And he says that, since you've joined his company...

- Like I really care what a loser like that says.

Let's just try and get this over with quickly

so I can get down to the bar for a few of drinks

and maybe home in time to catch

the last period of the hockey game.

- Shatner, are you listening?

- Oh, of course I am, sir.

Like I have to hang on your every word.

What do you say we get down to business?

- Yes, I think that would be best.

- All right, you hapless pack of unimaginative turds,

what we're proposing

is an exclusive use of our product

with a % swapping of shares across the board,

then we buy up all your stock through a dummy corporation.

- "Dummy corporation"?

- What?

- You just said you were gonna buy up all our stock.

- No, I didn't.

Oh, my God, how did he know that?

- Because I heard you.

- Oh, my God, he can read my thoughts!

The old bastard can read my thoughts!

- Hey!

You just called Mr. Collin an old bastard!

- What? No, I didn't.

Oh, my God, they can all read my thoughts!

Must try to think of nothing.

- Look, we're willing to ignore your insults

for the sake of the deal,

but a hostile takeover is quite another matter.

- Hostile takeover?

Who said anything about a hostile takeover?

Must try to block my thoughts.

♪ La-la la la-la la

- Stop that idiotic singing!

- Oh, my God, they can hear my blocking my thoughts!

This is incredible!

A whole company of telepaths!

Why, this is like some "Twilight Zone" episode!

- Oh, I love that show!

Especially the one where Burgess Meredith

forgets his glasses and can't read his book.

- Oh, I like that one too.

Oh, my God, regroup!

Create a diversion!

Tell them I have to go to the bathroom, yes.

Gentlemen, if you'd excuse me,

I have to go to the bathroom for a moment.

- What a pathetic diversion.

- [screams]

- Strange.

- Yes, but, all these Earthlings seem strange to me.

- Hmm.

- Oh, lunchtime!

[both sniffing]

- So, what do you think, girls?

Do you like the new coke?

- Um...

I like the old coke better, Rudy.

- Yeah, me too.

- Really?

'Cause I improved it quite a bit.

I changed the formula to make it more like ecstasy,

because it's really popular with the kids nowadays.

- Rudy, if I want to do ecstasy, I do ecstasy.

If I want to do coke, I do coke.

- Yeah.

- Well, I supposed I could keep selling the regular coke

along with the new, improved coke.

I could call the old coke "Old Coke."

Yeah, that's right.

And people could buy the coke

that they're most comfortable with,

and I won't feel like such a complete idiot!

- Oh, Rudy, don't be like that.

- It's just that I worked really hard on this, you know?

- Rudy, if it ain't broke, don't fix it.

- Well, waste not, want not, eh?

- Yeah.

[both sniffing]

- Well, it's been a good day so far, mother.

- Yeah.

Brother's been okay.

- Oh, man, oh, man.

Somebody wouldn't go in there

if you know what's good for you.

Give it a wide berth.

Stay out of that room.

You want to know why?

- I think we got the point, son.

- How's the baseball game going, Will?

- Good, we're still winning.

- Great.

But if Kelly Gruber makes one more mistake,

you'll have to change his name to Kelly Boober.

My God, you're all peasants.

- So how's your new place?

- You mean my new small place

that I had to move to

'cause I couldn't afford my old big place?

- Well, I thought that place was too big for you.

- Uh-huh.

Hey, Will.

Did you see the news last night?

- No.

- Apparently some millionaire

d*ed of a heart att*ck,

only the newscaster said he suffered a fart att*ck.

You humorless sons of whores.

- Why don't you take a nap, son?

- I'm all right.

All right.

All right.

Hey!

Let's play with the kid!

Oh, my God, Marty!

I got a pencil stuck up my nose.

Better than your lap, you little piece of snot.

- Hey, hey, hey.

That's enough of that.

Hmm?

I mean, you either sit down and behave,

or you go home.

It's Thanksgiving, for God's sake.

- You're right.

I'm sorry, everyone.

- Suppertime.

Let's eat.

- Mm. Smells great.

- Everything looks beautiful, mother.

- Mm-hmm. - Thanks.

- You know, I don't think you people realize

what I'm going through at work.

You really have no idea.

Over the years, I worked my way to third on the assembly line.

Third.

And suddenly, I'm demoted to seventh

just because I have seven fingers?

I may not remember how I lost the other three,

but at least I can laugh about it.

At least I can laugh.

Ha.

Ha-ha.

[grunting]

[sobbing]

[glass shattering]

[groaning]

[screaming]

[sobbing]

Still seven!

It's always seven!

Seven!

[sobbing]

- It's a new kind of dressing this year.

I made it with raisin bread, and it's--

- I'd like to apologize for my behavior.

I've just been atrocious.

If it's all right,

I'd like to sit down and eat.

- Of course it is, George.

Thanksgiving's a time for family.

- May I say grace, mother?

- Why, of course, George.

- Dear Lord up in Heaven,

I thank thee for thy plentiful food,

and I want to ask,

"What were you thinking?

What were you thinking?"

Is this part of the big plan, huh?

Am I the punch line?

What were you thinking?

Don't eat yet.

Dear Lord, what were you thinking?

What were you thinking?