04x12 - Episode 12

[bunniefuu]

- They're here, sir.

Mr. Minden will be with you shortly.

- Thank you. - Thank you.

- [breathing nervously]

Aren't you nervous at all?

- Nope.

- Aren't you worried that I might

get this promotion instead of you?

- I've got this promotion.

It's in the bag.

- What makes you so sure?

- I licked a lobster.

- What?

- I licked a lobster for luck.

- You licked a lobster for luck.

- Yep.

This baby's never let me down before.

I licked a lobster. You didn't.

Therefore, lady luck is on my side.

Come on, lobster.

Come on, lobster.

- Look, look. Forget it.

Licking a lobster isn't gonna help you.

You don't have a chance at this job.

You have a terrible work ethic.

Socially, you're inept.

Plus, I have far more experience than you.

- Oh, really?

But I get the job. He don't.

I get the job. He don't.

I get the job. Let go of my lobster!

- Give me that. Come on.

See how much luck you have now, huh?

Hmm? Huh?

Look what I'm doing. I guess you're screwed.

I'm licking your lobster. I'm licking your lobster.

Huh? Who's lucky now? Huh, huh?

- Simms?

I was gonna give you the job,

but I see you're busy licking a lobster.

Congratulations, the job's yours.

- Thanks.

I knew that lobster would be lucky for me.

- Step in there.

[laid-back rock music]

♪

- Gee, I think it's important that we talked, don't you?

You might be asking yourself why I still want to be your friend

after you broke up with me the way you did.

Well, gee, I think it's important

to remember the good six months we had together

and not dwell on the four months

where you were breaking up with me.

I mean, sure, I could be bitter,

but two wrongs don't make a right, do they?

-There's a fine line between...

- Let's remember the good times.

Like, remember that week we had where we didn't even fight once?

That--that was great.

I mean, I just think our relationship is evolving.

And even if, hypothetically, you say you want me back

and it turns out you drop me in the mall again,

then I'd still be your friend.

I mean, even if you embarrassed me in public.

So I'll just read your horoscope every day

and then figure out a good day for me to phone you?

I'm up to that challenge.

- Oh, I meant to tell you,

I came up this great, creative idea last night.

- Oh, yeah?

- We fire the front office staff.

- Hey, Brent, you want a change? - Yeah.

- Get yourself a new couch. - Good idea.

Why don't we do that and fire the front office staff?

- Thank you. - Thank you.

- Thank you. - Hey!

- There he is. There's our hot new actor.

Come here. Give me a hug.

Hot! Hot! - Ow. Ow.

- I'm burning up here! Ha-ha!

- What?

- What? He asked, "What?"

- You guys seem more excited

than a fox wagging his arse in the wind.

- Here, Montana, you take my chair.

- Yeah, yeah. Here.

While you're at it, eat.

Eat. Eat. Eat.

[indistinct speech]

- Are you saying those producers liked me?

- Did they like you? - Did they like you?

Did you hear that, Rosie?

The kid wants to know if they liked him.

Yeah, they liked you; they liked you so much

they want to crawl inside your belly and lay eggs.

They liked you.

- Whoo-whee! Hot heat.

I knew those producers liked me.

They made me feel more welcome

than a garbage picker at a smorgasbord.

- Yeah, that's a great feeling, isn't it?

One little thing, though.

- A tiny request. - Yeah.

- What is it?

- The producers of the film,

they want you to tuck in your shirt, you know?

- But I never tuck in my shirt.

I'm from the street.

- Look.

I know, you know,

the whole town knows,

but they're producers, so maybe tuck it in.

- Yeah, but of course, you know, it's your decision.

- Absolutely. - Yeah.

- But you guys said not tucking in my shirt

was my "catch it".

- Cachet, you hick.

- Hey, hick in a good way.

- Sorry.

- I don't know.

I didn't tuck in my shirt for my senior prom.

Hell, I got thrown out of the Army

for not tucking in my shirt.

Not tucking in my shirt is who I am.

- Hey, I've got an idea. - What?

- It just came to me. - What?

Why don't you cave in? It'll be a blast.

- Hey!

- I don't think so.

- Ah, you talk to him.

He's closer to your age. - Okay.

Montana, come here. Sit down.

Look.

You know that we dig the radical work that you've done...

- Oh, yes.

- And we wouldn't want to change a hair on the head

of this unvarnished Midwestern rebel lead

that we got going here.

- Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

- But listen, Brent and I think that for this role,

you should tuck it in, okay?

- Yeah.

But, you know, it's your decision.

- Right. - We'll give you...

- . - .

We'll give you seconds to decide.

- Yeah.

- A bear don't crap in the woods if he's really a dog.

It just ain't me. I'm not tucking in.

- Oh, you're not tucking it in.

Okay, did you hear that, Jimmy?

Did you hear that? The kid ain't tucking it in.

Maybe you should talk to him, James,

'cause obviously I got a voice only a dog can hear!

Tell him the story, Brent. - All right.

Come one, here, Montana, sit down.

Here's a good story.

Years ago, James Dean was in this very office.

- Same office, different rug. - Yeah.

- James Dean? - Yeah.

Now him, he was tucked in.

They, the producers, they wanted him to untuck.

He, like you, had a lot of heart.

Ka-bing, ka-blang, ka-bloo, he did what he had to do.

- James Dean untucked?

- Mm-hmm. - That's right.

- Now I'm more confused than a horny bisexual at an orgy.

What are you guys saying?

- You're a piece of meat.

- Hey, hey, Brent, come on. - Sorry.

- What Brent meant to say is that right now

at this juncture in this town, you are a piece of meat.

both: So tuck it in.

- But it's your decision. It's got to be your decision.

- That's right, completely yours.

- So you're saying I got to be me.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

- And that I'm a hick...

both: Yeah.

- And a piece of meat...

both: Yeah.

- But it's up to me.

Well, I ain't tucking it in. It's easy.

- Great. - Whoo-hoo! That was fun.

- We've got a decision. - That's all we wanted.

- That's good, 'cause we're decision freaks.

- Right. There you go. - Okay.

- Here. - What's that?

- It's your next career move.

- Yeah, it's an address where you'll find a cardboard box.

Go live in it for a while. - With your shirt untucked.

- And after a few months, come back and see us, huh?

- But we won't let you in.

- Oh, that's right.

- Are you saying I got to be flexible?

both: Yeah.

- And that if I tuck in my shirt now,

then later on,

when I buy my power,

I can untucked it?

- Bingo. - Bingo. There you go.

- All right, I can do that.

- All right, tuck it in.

- Sharon, get Steinberg on the phone.

- Yeah, tell him his fingers are stubby and we want to negotiate.

- You still here?

[indistinct chatter]

[laid-back rock music]

♪

- Excuse me, sir, would you like to know more

about Ted's Church of the Very Bright Light?

- No. - Sorry to bother you, sir.

Would you like to know more about--

have a nice day, sir.

Excuse me, ma'am, would you like to know about Ted's Church

of the Very Bright Light?

Change your life!

Oh, hi. Would you like to know about...

- It's okay that you're having doubts,

that you're questioning the work of my church.

That's okay.

- Church? That's just it.

It's no church. It's you and me.

I'm the only member, Ted.

- Lord Savior Ted.

- Sorry, Lord Savior Ted.

- Well, these things start out slow.

It starts with the one,

and it grows into the thousands.

- It's been you and me for six years.

If even one other person joined,

maybe I wouldn't be having these doubts.

- Well, fine, if you want to quit, you can.

But I can't.

You see, I didn't ask to be a prophet.

Nope.

One day, I just heard a voice say, "Hey, Ted. Ted.

No, over here Ted."

And I turned, and I saw the very bright light.

And I said, "Hi."

And God said, "Hi."

And I said, "So you're God, huh?"

And God said, "Yep.

How you doing, Ted?"

And I said "Okay.

How about you, Lord?"

"Pretty good. What's new, Ted?"

I said, "Oh, nothing much. What's new with you?"

And he said, "Well, you know, same old same old.

"Well, I guess I better be running along.

You must be busy."

And I said, "No, God, I'm not doing anything."

And God said, "Well, I better be running anyway."

And I said, "Wait, God.

Is there anything you'd like me to tell the people?"

And God said unto me,

"Just tell them I said hi."

- Yeah, I know all that.

But God never spoke to you since.

- Well, that's not entirely true.

I did speak to God the one other time.

- I didn't know that. - Oh, yeah.

- What'd he say?

- Well, he said, "Hey, Rafael."

And I said, "This isn't Rafael. This is Ted."

And he said "Oh, Ted."

And he was gone.

Now, I like to interpret that as meaning--

- It means that God's avoiding you.

That's what it means.

- Maybe so. His loss.

[knock on door]

Mm.

- Hi.

Does a "Ted our Lord" live here?

- I'm Ted our Lord. - Great.

You say you got a used car for sale?

An ' Miata?

- Yes; why don't you come on inside,

and through the teachings of my church,

I'll help you get in touch with the inner workings of your soul?

- What?

- We all need spiritual guidance sometimes,

There's no shame in--

- Look, do you have a used car for sale or not?

- No, but I have spoken to our Lord personally,

and if you'd like, I could arrange to...

[sighs]

Damn.

I almost had him.

- Look, I really want out of this--this cult.

- Church. Church, not a cult.

Church.

- Well, whatever it is, I want out.

- Look, why don't you relax.

What do you say I take you out to lunch?

My treat. - No way.

That's how you suckered me into this in the first place.

You take me out to lunch, next thing I know,

I'm selling my personal belongings

and giving you my life savings.

Damn you and your charisma.

- Fine, fine.

After all, what kind of a savior would I be if I made you stay?

- So I can go?

- Of course, sure,

but I'll still see you tomorrow anyway, right?

- Yeah, sure. Okay.

But as a friend, not as a cult member.

- Sure, cool. We'll just hang. whatever.

- Okay, I'll call you, Ted.

♪

[doorbell rings]

- Oink, oink. The pigs are here.

Grease up the pan, get ready to fry;

your bacon has arrived.

- You're a police officer?

- Yes, sir.

I'm the heat, the fuzz, the black and white,

Mr. -Adam-.

Whoopee.

- Ok, well, come on in. Come on in.

- Oink, oink. Pig comin' through.

Pig comin' through.

- You know, you certainly took your time getting here.

I called over an hour ago.

- You know cops:

where are they when you need one?

Probably sitting on their fat asses.

Chances are their asses are fat.

They've lowered their standards so much,

just about anyone could be a cop.

Look at me.

- Yeah, yeah. Okay, look.

As you can see, I've had a break in.

- Uh-huh, and what's a break-in again?

- It's when someone breaks into your house.

- Geez, I should've known that.

Fat-ass useless pig!

So they just broke in and left, sir?

- No, they broke in, took everything, and left.

- That makes more sense.

I better call police HQ, get a three car backup.

- Why bother? They're obviously long gone!

- Oh, I'm a coward.

We're all cowards.

Fat-ass and cowardly.

Do you want to bribe me, sir?

- Bribe you?

What for?

- You name it. We're all corrupt.

Just like in "Serpico."

Don't know why I bothered callin'.

It's :.

Siesta time at the pig pen.

- Do you guys really think that you deserve--

- Ahh!

[g*nsh*t]

That was a typical pig move.

sh**t first, ask questions later.

Well, I'll have to cover my tracks.

Make it look like his wife did it.

Send another innocent person to the gas chamber.

Ahh!

[g*nsh*t]

Pig comin' through.

Oink, oink. Oink, oink.

Hey, kid!

Did you see that?

[g*nsh*t]

- The details are cloudy.

Luckily, in my haze, I took notes.

The events I can speak of only now,

but I can taste it like it was yesterday.

The reason I survived?

Perhaps to tell the tale.

"The Hangover."

Day one.

[bell dings]

At : p.m., I wake up.

By : p.m., I can make out shapes.

I swear on the Bible,

although I don't actually own a Bible,

never again.

[bell dings]

I am surprised to find a man asleep on my couch.

He tells me he shares the same hangover

and that he works with me.

He teaches me this game called "Screaming Numbers"

that we continue to play until the neighbors complain.

Day Three. Yay!

I can move my head! I can move my head!

Day Four.

I take a short walk.

I go to my answering machine.

I check it. Good news.

Only one person called.

The bad news is, it's my girlfriend,

and she called times,

referring to herself oddly as my ex-girlfriend.

[bell dings]

Finding a reflective surface,

I am happy to note that my teeth have not been, in fact,

removed with a hunting Kn*fe.

I play a game of "Screaming Numbers" to celebrate.

! ! !

Day Six.

An angel appears.

He brings me a pizza.

He wants only paper for it.

How beautiful his eyelashes are.

Looking at the pizza, I note I am now color-blind.

I fall asleep thinking about all the old black-and-white

films I have enjoyed and will watch again.

[bell dings]

Hey, something smells!

Day Eight.

Today I suspect I am not hungover at all,

but, in fact, an old man.

An old man, and I have been trapped in a hammock,

spun around, and left to die.

Left to die by people I do not remember

and can't hate them by name.

[bell dings]

Further exploration of my answering machine reveals--

although I have no recollection of this--I went into work.

I went into work just long enough to play a quick game

of Screaming Numbers

and picked up what turned out to be my last check.

Day Ten.

Call a press conference.

Only Steve Anthony from CityTV arrives.

I decide not to let him in.

Day .

I go to my ex-girlfriend's house and propose marriage.

She does not accept.

Neither does the man she refers to as "the new guy."

After three hours,

she vows to take me back if I vow to stop drinking.

Have small drink to celebrate.

Snowflake becomes blizzard.

[bell dings]

Day .

See day one.