04x16 - Episode 16

[bunniefuu]

- We've heard the word "victim" a lot today.

The victim was taken hostage.

The victim was bound and gagged.

The victim was stabbed repeatedly.

Well, I think that my client, Mr. Gilmore,

is a victim...

the victim of a prosecutor so hungry for a conviction

that he would lead witnesses

and produce dubious physical evidence.

Now there is an important phrase

that I would like you all to remember today:

beyond a reasonable doubt.

Imagine that it is you who must throw that switch.

Beyond a reasonable doubt.

- Uh, I did it.

- What?

- I took him hostage,

bound and gagged him,

stabbed him repeatedly.

- What? But--

But I had them.

Didn't I have you.

I had you, didn't I?

I had them.

- Yeah, well, I was starting to feel guilty.

Isn't it true, judge, we're just really wasting

the taxpayers' money at this point?

- Well, if you're saying that you're guilty,

yes, we have been wasting the taxpayers' money.

- But, you honor, I was - before this case,

and I had them.

- All right, give it up; it's over.

- Oh, shut up, judge!

- "Shut up, judge"?

- Oh, I'm sorry.

- "Shut up, judge"?

- I'm sorry, judge.

- I'm--I'm so sorry. - Wow.

- Don't disbar me, judge.

- "Shut up, judge"?

- You got to understand.

I really had them.

They were--they were in the palm of my hand, judge.

- Wow.

[laid-back rock music]

*

- Here, have a muffin.

And a muffin.

You're welcome.

[giggles]

Morning, Kathie.

- Good morning, Cath.

- Oh, please, would you perk down, Kathie?

You're giving off so many sparks,

you'll set my nylon dress on fire.

- What?

- Well, Kathie,

what kind of a sadistic company

schedules a meeting first thing Monday morning?

- You know me, Cath, I love Monday morning meetings.

They give a focus to my weekends.

Look, I made muffins.

They're fruit sweetened.

- Great.

Kathie, they have chocolate chips in them.

- Yeah, but they're fruit sweetened.

- What do you think the meeting will be about, Cath?

- Oh, the usual.

Don't steal, work harder, and don't steal.

- [giggles]

Miss Ferguson is late.

- Really?

- Out of my way, eye shadow.

- Oh.

- Miss Ferguson, I made muffins.

- Oh, Kath, that's nice.

Well, this is that spunky.

Well, let's get started.

[clears throat]

It's all going down, man.

God looked down to the pink collar troughs,

spit fire into it.

It's a firestorm.

Armageddon for them in spiced nylons.

Scatter like gypsies.

Weep with the ones you love.

Typing can't save you.

Shave your heads; start again.

It's all going down, man.

- [laughs]

Let's give her a big hand, shall we?

Miss Ferguson really started off the meeting with a bang.

- Look, I'm just gonna go freshen up by puking.

- Yes, it has been an eventful week here at A.T. & Love.

Your supervisor is just a little tired from the news.

- News? - News?

- What news? - What news?

- We here at A.T. & Love

are almost completely out of money.

- Oh, my God.

Cath. - What?

- What'll we do?

- I don't know.

[sultry music]

- Want a date?

- I update résumés for food.

- [whimpering]

- It's okay. It's okay. It's okay.

- There's no need to panic.

The good news is that no one needs to be fired.

- Yay!

- And what's the bad news?

- [laughs]

You're a fast one, aren't you?

- Yeah.

- Has anyone here ever heard of

a little thing called job sharing?

- Oh, oh, oh, oh.

Is that that little thing

where you do twice as much work

for the same amount of pay?

- Bingo!

- Cath, let's just give it a chance.

How would this work?

- Well, you share the same job, desk, and paycheck.

Like this guy beside me, he's my partner.

In the afternoon, he speaks.

- Who do I share with?

- You share with him.

- A welder?

- There's still a few bugs to be ironed out,

but in the meantime, I suggest you learn to weld.

And who's my partner?

- You're with her.

- Oh.

- Yay, Cathy! We made it!

We're gonna be the best team.

We can get matching clothes and--

- Kathie!

I don't wear matching clothes, okay?

- All right. - Look at these arms.

Did you ever wonder how they got so big?

- Yes?

- From lifting trays of beer at Oktoberfest.

I did it before, and I can do it again.

I'm out of here, kid.

- Cath.

- Not so fast, Cathy. - Why?

- If you go, she has to go too.

- What? - What?

- Job sharing.

You're a team now

until one of you dies or has a baby out of wedlock.

- That's not fair.

- Neither is the competition from the Japanese!

- Cath. - What?

- Don't go.

I'm not from restaurant stock.

I'll die in the service industry.

I'll die.

I'll die. I'll die.

I'll die.

Cath, please.

- Okay, I'll stay. - Yay!

- I am so pathetic. - Me too, Cath.

You won't regret it, Cath.

- Yeah, right.

- Out of my way.

Out, out, out, out, out, out!

Out!

- What happened to you?

- Oh, Cath.

Hit the glass ceiling,

plunged back into the secretarial pool.

Well, I can still type from ashes to ashes.

- Oh, Miss Ferguson, you made a mistake there.

- Shut up, Cathy.

Just hold the typewriter still, would you?

That's better.

- Sometimes this city is hard work.

Sometimes this pothole-filled, puddle-ridden city

is a screeching yodel of madness.

Maybe I should explain.

Last week, as I was coming home

from getting my paper plates done at the dry cleaner--

they do a wonderful job,

but sometimes they use too much starch--

[shatters]

And as I was coming home,

I looked up to the muffler shop,

and above it, I noticed that the horizon started to shift.

I stood and watched as I saw the buildings and burger joints

begin to swirl and collapse

into a whitewater river of Armageddon.

"Huh," I thought, "I hadn't noticed that before."

And then a tremble in my spine, and it shook.

It sensed the sour scream of the voices.

The voices!

-Hey there, buddy. How ya goin'?

How's it doin' there, bud?

How ya been?

- What beast from Hell is stalking me?

Why is there no stillness in this volcano?

Do the voices crave the marrow from my bones?

Do the voices want to gargle the last vestiges of my sanity

and swallow it like so much flavorless gum?

What is wanted by the voices?

-I just thought we'd sit, yak.

You know, sit, yak, watch some TV.

What do you say, huh, chief?

I never get bored of them rock videos.

- I must escape.

I must distance myself from the voices.

So, I drive.

Speed. Night.

Wind through my brain.

Cleansing me of the voices.

The voices!

-* Oh bus driver, speed up a little bit *

* Speed up a little bit

* Speed up a little bit

- [screams]

I must trick the voices.

Boy, I've had a long day.

I'm really tired.

I could use some sleep.

-Okay, I can take a hint.

Good night. Sleep tight.

Don't let the bedbugs bite.

Sure you don't wanna go get a pizza, huh?

- Yes, I'm sure.

-Okay, see ya!

- The voices are gone.

And I can sleep.

But for how long?

Eight hours?

Ten hours?

Why would the bedbugs bite?

Aren't they my friends?

- Look.

Look over there.

It's what's-his-name. - Oh, yeah.

- The bartender from Basket's.

- Yeah.

He is so hot, eh?

- You think? I think he's gross!

- I think he's hot.

- I think he looks like the love child of Siegfried and Roy.

- Who?

- Never mind.

- Oh, look at him.

He's hot, eh?

- Oh, I think he's a toad.

Kiss him, you'll get warts.

- Well, I think he's hot.

- Well, I think he isn't.

- Well, I think he's hot. - Well I don't think he is.

- Well, I think he's very very hot.

- Well, I think he's not hot!

- Are you aware of how many times

you've used the word "hot,"

and it's not even hot outside?

Imagine how many times you would use it

if it were actually hot.

- A lot, I guess.

- Can we talk about something else besides guys, like, really?

- I'd switch to decaf if I was you, Smitty,

like, really.

- Rome is burning, and all we do is cruise.

- What?

Rome's burning?

Maybe that's why Italians are so hot, eh?

- You guys are too much.

-Hey, check out the queers!

- Wow, he is so hot.

- Gorgeous.

- You guys are disgusting.

- You should never let politics interfere with cruising, Smitty.

- Yeah, that's why you never get laid.

- I give up.

[upbeat music]

*

[music stops]

[music continues]

*

[music stops]

[music continues]

*

- Ta-da!

[applause]

- Not yet!

Better take off that party hat, son.

You're not gonna need it where we're going.

- Okay.

Dad, Dad, where are we going?

- You're gonna be a man, little boy.

Gonna be a man.

[car accelerates]

Chad...

This rock is a big part of the McFullson tradition.

For generations, the McFullson men have been coming here

on their th birthday

to enter manhood.

You see, there are certain parts about being a man

that one just has to experience.

So like my father before me,

you're going to watch your dad

get pathetically drunk.

Ah.

Happy birthday, son.

[laughs]

Broke my hand on a pineapple.

Didn't even care.

Ten bucks is ten bucks.

And bucks is bucks.

...

So if you're cold...

Wear a wolverine hat.

[singing gibberish]

But never...

[makes percussive sounds]

- So...

Are you two sisters, or...

- I want to peruse your report card.

- I don't have it.

- I said, Mister, I want your report card.

So if you do acid,

wait an hour before you go swimming.

Okay?

Oatmeal.

Raisins.

Oranges.

Tropical fruits of all kinds.

That's--that's where my old man puked.

Everybody's got a job to do,

everybody's got to move and groove.

I'm cold, Chad.

I'm not spiritually cold.

Daddy's cold.

Mr. Bus Driver!

- It'd be better with the hula hoop.

[howls]

So then, they loaded up the truck,

and they moved to Beverly.

- Wasn't that a long time ago?

[glass clinks]

- Leave me!

Leave me.

I just need some sleep.

- So no one here's a Libra?

all: No.

- Well, I'll read it anyway.

"You want to be liked,

but not at the cost of self-worth."

girls: Chad!

- Chad.

So do you feel any older?

- Yeah, a lot older.

- So, Smitty...

how are the renovations going?

- Good, but there's so much dust,

our cats developed asthma.

- Well, you've got to be careful.

- Sounds really hot.

Hi, guys.

I just ran into Brent,

and there's a big warehouse party on Saturday night,

but you got to dress in drag.

- Oh, excellent.

I've got a fabulous costume.

I can go as Sandy Duncan.

- Oh, great.

I can't go in drag, or I won't get laid.

I think I'll just take my shirt off.

'Cause my nipples qualify as tits, eh?

[laughs]

- What you gonna go as, Smitty?

- I'm not going anywhere in drag.

Drag is misogynist.

- What's that?

- It's when you don't like women.

- You like women.

- Yes, intensely.

- I love women who look like drag queens, like RuPaul.

- RuPaul is a man.

both: She's great.

- Gay men are not women.

Calling each other by girls' names

and dressing up like super models is regressive.

- Oh. - Yo, guys.

- Hey, Shona. - Hey.

- Listen, going to the big warehouse party on Saturday?

- Well, we will be, but Smitty won't,

because Smitty thinks that drag is misogynist.

- Only when ---- do it.

What if you're a woman and dress up as a man, eh?

- I don't know. - Oh.

Well, I'm going as Rush Limbaugh.

I'm bound to get laid.

He's such a pig. - Yeah.

- It's gonna be a gas.

See you all there.

- See ya. - Okay, see ya.

- There's an idea, Smitty.

Why don't you go as a man?

- Yeah, maybe you'll get laid.

- [groans]

I'm getting more coffee.

- Okay, can you get me one?

- Well, here we are in the drawing room.

This is where I keep my treasures, as you can see.

- Wow, this is a great art collection.

- Aye, yes, well, thank you very much.

I've been collecting for some years.

You know, it's a modest collection, really.

Something to put away for the kids, ya know.

- That is one of my favorite pieces.

- Oh, really?

- It's a real breakthrough.

- Aye, aye yes.

I mean, the level of talent is quite frightening, isn't it?

You know, I often wonder how you artistic types

get your ideas, you know.

- Well...

- Well, I mean, think of it.

This guy goes into a bar somewhere, you know,

and he's watching some guys play pool.

And the next thing you know,

he's painting dogs playing pool.

- I mean, that's a gift.

- And dogs can't even play pool!

- I know!

I know!

To think of that when it goes against

all the laws of nature.

- That's art. - Aye.

- That's art.

- Hey, tell me what you think of this one.

- That's a stunning piece.

- I know, I know.

It's quite moving, isn't it?

- Yes.

- "The Crying Clown."

I mean, to think of it, you know.

A clown, who'd normally you'd expect to be

the happiest little camper in the world,

and he's found underneath

to be, in his soul, unhappy.

- You know, I've learned that people who seem happy

often are unhappy.

- Aye, yes, that's a revelation.

- This is a wonderful art collection.

- Oh, well, you know,

I mean, some of its probably junk, but--

- Come on.

- Well, you know, I think I've been

fairly astute in my selections.

- You know, I would be honored

to have one of my pieces hang here.

- Well, let's take a look at one of your paintings,

then, shall we?

- Okay. - Okay.

All right, eh?

Ah, yes, that's a very good Elvis.

- Thank you, it took a lot of time,

almost three hours.

And I used a lot of paint.

- Oh, did ya?

Oh, yes.

Oh, yes, I can see the paint is quite thick.

And, oh, the frame's from Mexico.

- Yes, yes.

- That might add a little value.

Well, I suppose we should talk business business, eh?

- I'm prepared.

- All right.

How much do you want for your painting?

- Eight dollars.

- Eight dollars?

- Oh, dear, oh, dear, oh dear,

puppy, puppy, no, no, no.

To tell you the truth,

that's a little bit more than I was thinking about spending.

- Well, I am interested in listening to a counter offer.

- Aye?

Uh, how's four dollars?

- See, it's just that the frame and the paint cost me six,

so I'd be--I'd just...

- Oh.

Tell me.

Did you know Elvis?

- No, but I've been to Graceland.

- Have you really?

- You know, it's quite small.

- Really? - Yes.

- I, uh...

I hear he d*ed in a bathtub, eh?

- That is the sad truth.

- Aye?

Seven dollars?

- Sold!

- Aye, you got yourself a deal at seven dollars, my friend.

Now, come on, let's seal this with a drink

before someone steals it away from me.

- There you go.

- Mateus!

- Oh!

Are you familiar with this wine?

- Some say a little too familiar.

- [laughs]

You artsy types, I swear.

There you go, huh?

To a great painting.

It's made me as happy as a circus seal

balancing a beach ball on his nose.

- Butch? - Huh?

- I've been thinking.

Maybe Smitty's right about us.

Maybe we are shallow.

- Wow.

- Perhaps we should try injecting

some political issues into our discussion.

- Wow.

- For example:

what do you think of the issue of gays and marriage?

- I think they should.

Maybe.

I don't know.

Wow.

Yeah. - Hey, Smitty!

We were just discussing the issue of gays and marriage.

- Oh, really?

Yeah, it's a complicated issue.

- What is so complicated about basic human rights?

- I don't know.

- Well, aren't we really just fighting

for the right to be trapped in loveless marriages as well?

- That's not the point.

- Well, I just happen to think

that gays were meant to live in sin.

- Yeah.

It's hotter that way.

- Why do I bother talking to you two

when you're so uninformed?

Can't you see that because we bond outside the law,

our relationships don't matter?

- But mine don't.

- I'm talking about normal people,

not a complete slut like you.

- I'm not a complete slut!

- Oh, look.

Now you've gone and made Butchy all upset.

- I'm sorry, Butch.

Sometimes I get so carried away fighting the good fight

that I forget about the little people around me.

- Ah, it's okay.

- Well, I've learned something.

I've learned that issues make people angry.

- Yeah.

Let's go to the baths.

- I admit it. I'm horny.

- Okay, come on.