04x20 - Episode 20

[bunniefuu]

- What is going on?

[ATM beeps]

What are you doing?

No way!

Oh, come on! No!

Ah! Jeez! That's not fair!

Ah! I hate these things.

Ah!

Ah...

Uh--

uh, the, uh...

I, uh, can't do anything

because, uh, the machine went down.

- What does that have to do with me?

- Well, uh, I can't do anything

'cause the whole system is shut down,

so, uh, I can't give you any money for the ride.

- Okay. Two things.

First of all, this is not your home,

and you should respect that.

- Yeah.

- Second,

one day, people are going to get organized

to take care of certain people like you, all right?

- I don't understand.

- [scoffs]

Don't understand?

Don't change the subject.

Don't change the subject.

- You free?

- Get in, but hurry up before that guy screws you

the same way he screwed me.

Damn Chinaman!

Okay, where to?

- Chinatown.

- Okay.

[cheers and applause]

[laid-back rock music]

♪

- It's showtime.

[burps]

[upbeat rock music]

Hi! I'm Gezbo the Video-Selling Clown.

Can I have a big hand for myself for no reason whatsoever?

[applause]

All right.

Now, today is clown day here at St. Farrell Hospital,

and more importantly for me,

it's rent day.

Rent day.

Do you have any questions about that at all?

Great.

I'm a happy clown.

I used to be a cynical clown,

but you know what I did, kids?

I went and bought a video, a book, and something in a box.

All right?

Yeah.

Oh, I almost forgot.

On the way here today,

I ran into baseball legend Roberto Alomar.

all: Wow!

- That's Alommmar with three 'M's.

Legally, I can proceed.

And, gee, what were the Latin hero's exact words?

That you kids, if you wanted to get well,

should buy a video, a book, and something in a box.

Now, how many of you sickly kids enjoy videos.

All of you. Great.

And we've all read rhyming books that make us feel good,

and something in a box--

gee, what could that be, eh?

Yeah. Now listen.

Do you kids carry money on you at all

in your robes or bandages?

Any kind of cash at all?

- You don't look like a clown!

- Didn't you notice my slightly oversized $ shoes?

- The last guy had us sing songs

and then made balloon animals.

- Yeah.

- Are there bouncers in a children's hospital at all?

[laughs]

Great. Great. Great.

Now, turning to the financial part of the fun,

how many of you kids are interested

in Gezbo's fun products?

- Jeez! I'm interested!

- Wow. You're a big boy.

- Yeah. - How old are you?

- I'm eight.

- And what's your name?

- Sparky.

- That sounds realistic.

- Yeah.

Jeez, Gezbo,

do you mind if I tell you something about myself?

- Would you, huh, Spark?

- Okay.

You know, last summer, when I was seven,

I got a very sick tummy,

and at first, I thought it was because I was bad

and looked at underwear ads.

And I thought my parents didn't love me

because I was bad.

And then one night,

after I cried myself to sleep...

- Wow, real tears rolling down the poor tyke's face.

Can you picture it?

- I was visited by an angel dressed just like you.

- Dressed like me? Did he speak?

- Yes, he did!

He said that if I wanted my parents to love me,

I should buy a video, a book,

and be more curious about things in boxes.

- Hold it, Sparky.

That's like our offer here today!

- Hey, not to be confused with the offer

you made last night, huh?

- [laughs] Wow, those stewardesses

sure could guzzle margaritas.

[both laughing]

- Hey, this is worse than Raffi!

- Hey, first beer, assh*le?

- Hey, hey, hey, hey, Sparky.

I'll handle this.

First beer, assh*le?

- You're a terrible clown!

- You're a rotten clown!

[all booing]

- Hey, hey, would you sickly kids

enjoy a scavenger hunt?

- That sounds like fun! - Yeah!

[all cheering]

- Okay, so what we'll do is we'll send you out of here,

the ones that can walk,

and you'll go and get some nice cartons of cigarettes

and videocassettes,

and the one who brings back the most

will get something in a box.

All right? Let's go. Come on.

And be back by midnight,

'cause Mr. Landlord gets grumpy around then.

- Okay.

[rattling]

- So, Gezbo, what's in the box?

- Let's just say that one of those stewardesses

forgot her dial-a-candy.

- Birth control pills?

- You're growing up, Sparky. You're growing up.

- You check that. - Okay.

[cheers and applause]

[laid-back rock music]

♪

- No, Rudy, relax. Let's try again, okay?

- Okay.

- John is four years younger than his brother Ron.

Ron has three more apples than his sister Yvonne.

Yvonne is older than John by twice as many apples

as she has more than Ron.

How many apples does John have?

- Apples, apples-- I don't know apples!

- Okay, Rudy, let me give it a try.

John the john has spent four years less in the pen

than his brother Skip the Pimp.

Now, John's girlfriend, Laura the Bitch,

has spent twice as many years in the pen

as blow jobs she's given John.

How many grams of coke does Laura have?

- None. Skip's got all the coke,

Laura has a mouthful,

and John has his face slashed.

- Yay, Rudy!

You know, Rudy, for sure you're gonna get

that high school diploma.

I just know it. - You think?

- Yeah. - I don't think so, Rudy.

I don't think that question will be on the test.

These tests are not geared to, you know,

third-generation Armenian street pimps, you know.

- Wrong! I'm a Canadian street pimp and proud of it.

- Rudy, focus. The test is tomorrow.

- Okay, I got to go, guys, okay?

I got a john waiting upstairs.

Now, you two keep studying,

and Rudy, never forget,

you'll always be smart enough for this life.

Ciao!

- Oh, Rudy, why do you want to graduate high school anyway?

- Well, after my dad d*ed,

I had to quit high school to take care of the family.

It's always been a lifelong dream of mine

to finish high school, Joss.

- Oh, Rudy.

Tell me, how did he die?

- Well, he worked at NASA,

and he was k*lled in a big expl*si*n.

- He was an astronaut?

- No, he was a janitor.

Never mix cleaning fluids, Joss.

Never mix cleaning fluids. - Is sad, Rudy. Is very sad.

- Well, it wasn't a total loss.

They named a urinal after him.

- Let's get back to the books. - Right.

- Okay? - Okay.

- Now, simile is to metaphor

as analogy is to...

is to...

is to...

- Loser!

I'm a freaking loser! - Oh, Rudy.

- Hey, guys, I'm back.

Look what I brought with me.

[cheers and applause]

- What? A freak? - Yeah!

Tell 'em what you do, freak.

- Me? I'm a high school teacher.

- You brought me a high school teacher?

- Yeah! - Eureka!

Friggin' eureka!

- So,

you're going to help Rudy with his test?

- Yeah, sure.

- If Rudy passes, we'll b*at the sh*t out of you.

- Hey, that'd be great.

- Thanks, girls.

You're the best whores in the world.

In the $ to $ range.

both: Oh, Rudy.

- Okay, prof, give me a question.

- Hey, all right. First question.

What's the population of Canada?

- Ooh. Okay.

There's you, there's me,

there's the girls, there's you...

[laid-back rock music]

♪

- Different people about the thing,

and this is my point:

so, you know, when I use the word "n*gg*r,"

I'm not talking about you guys, okay?

All right?

Good.

Because sometimes,

people, they get confused,

and they don't know what I mean.

But I like you guys, you know?

You know why?

Because you drive a cab like me.

And you know that out here,

it's not always safe with those other...

bad n*gg*r*s around, you know?

So...

so you know if there's any trouble,

I'm your friend.

Eh?

How you say "good friend" in...

Ethiopious?

- Hroma. Hroma.

- Hroma guta.

- Ar-karoma-gutta. - Yeah.

- Okay, I am your karoma gutta, eh?

- Yeah, yeah. - Tell you what.

Karoma gutta is going to buy your coffees, okay?

- Sure. - Okay.

Ah--coffees.

- Ah, hroma guta!

Eh! - Haroma-guta.

- Hroma guta.

Eeh! Yeah.

[laid-back rock music]

♪

- Well, thanks for driving me to the airport, Louise.

Bye. I'll miss you.

- Have a great flight to London.

I'm gonna miss you. - Oh, I'll miss you.

Don't forget to feed the cat.

- I won't. - I'll miss you.

- I'm gonna miss you.

- I'm gonna miss you. Oh, I'm missing you!

- [sighs]

I can't we're gonna have a whole week together in London.

I'm so looking forward to this.

- Louise! - Paul, what are you doing here?

- What the hell are you talking about?

I'm on my way to London. You just said good-bye to me.

- Oh, yeah.

- Tell me something.

Are you having an affair?

Yes or no.

- No-ish!

- I have two things to say to you.

A, I am so hurt!

And B, I can't believe how bad you are at cheating.

- Well, look, I want to split up, okay?

- Oh, we're split up, all right!

We were split up the second you walked in

with Mr. Blondhead.

- Paul, there's no need to be cruel.

- Well, what's his name, then?

- Greg.

Greg Blondhead.

- But it is spelled differently, Paul.

- I can't believe you're doing this

so badly.

You knew I was on this flight.

- Well, I figured it was a big plane.

- A big plane?

A big plane? - Thank you.

- I can't believe you're going to the same city as me,

much less on the same flight.

Show me your tickets.

Give me it, Blondhead!

A, C.

I'm B. I would have figured it out.

- Well, we're all geniuses in hindsight.

- You're not! You're not!

- Paul, clearly the mature thing to do

is for you to take the window seat.

- All right.

- Okay, Paul.

- Actually, there is precedent for this.

Like the time you called in sick from your desk at work.

This would have to be a seven-hour flight.

[laid-back rock music]

♪

[suspenseful chord]

- Oh, my God.

- What is it, hon?

- Uh, I just had that awful nightmare again.

I'm just gonna--

I'm gonna go downstairs and make a sandwich, okay?

[grunts]

[suspenseful music]

♪

[suspenseful music]

♪

♪

Oh, my God.

- What is it, hon?

- Uh, I just had that awful nightmare again.

I'm just gonna--

I'm gonna go downstairs and make a sandwich, okay?

[grunts]

[cheers and applause]

[laid-back rock music]

♪

- Hi, Christine.

- Hi. Sorry I'm late,

but it's like the built the subways just to confuse me.

- I know.

So, what's up?

- Look, do we have to sit here?

- But we always sit here. - Yes, I know.

In the back, in the dark, alone,

and every time we do,

a little bit of me dies, okay?

- Do you want to move? - Yes.

- Okay.

How about there?

- Yeah, I love it already. - Okay.

Hey, Christine.

There's something strange about you today.

Have you changed your perfume, or are you in a bad mood?

- Look, Raj, I don't want to talk about it, okay?

I'm just too freaked.

- What? Christine.

I can't imagine life without knowing.

- You're right. Okay.

But listen, no one, and I mean no one, must know.

If anyone found out, I would have to die,

and I have the pills, and I know how to swallow, okay?

- Your funeral would be such a zoo.

- I know, and I'm so tempted some days.

- Where were we?

- Oh, yeah.

- Okay. - Okay.

Do you remember the guy I met at Lacey's party?

The black guy? - No!

- Yes. - I mean I don't remember.

- What? Well, he was the guy in the kitchen, you know?

- Ben!

- Hey, Raj. - Hi!

Hi. - Hi.

- So, how was your show? - Oh, it was great.

It was great. Don said to say hi.

- Really? - Yeah.

- I thought he hated me.

- Uh, no, he's totally in love with you.

- Wow, okay, so...

- So, uh, I got to get going, so...

- Okay. Bye. - I'll see you later. Buh-bye.

- [sighs] I have to have him.

Isn't he gorgeous?

- No, I thought he looked dull and stupid.

You couldn't introduce me?

- Christine, I talked to him for, like, one minute.

I'm sorry if you felt ignored.

- Oh, excuse me, Raj.

You didn't just ignore me there.

That was abuse.

You've abused me, Raj.

You, of all people, have abused me.

- Oh.

- Don't you dare thr*aten me with a Kn*fe.

- I wasn't threatening you with a Kn*fe.

You're being immature.

- I'll decide if you were, thank you.

- Oh. You are such a bitch!

- And I have just realized

something very important about you, Raj.

- What?

- That you're gonna die in a hole.

- Oh? - Yes.

I've had a vision, Raj.

It's you standing in a hole

with a bunch of people around you

who do not know you,

so therefore, they feel no sadness for you personally,

just a general sadness for a stupid, ignorant club kid

who could die alone in a hole.

It's your future. Live it.

- So this is what our friendship has been all about.

I let you get to know all my strengths and weaknesses.

I trusted you, Christine,

and all this time,

you've been working for the Nazis.

- I'm sorry, Raj, but while you were talking,

I was away on another planet, but I'm back now.

- Oh?

Well, don't bother to unpack your bags,

'cause you don't live in my solar galaxy anymore.

- Good. I guess we understand each other perfectly.

- Well, I have a perfect hatred for you.

- And I care exactly zero.

- Fine. - No!

- I get to leave. - Oh?

And I get to stay.

both: I'm sorry.

- I'm sorry.

You know, Christine, I know exactly

why it was that we fought. - Why?

- 'Cause we didn't sit at our regular table.

- But Raj, what would have made me pick such an evil table?

both: Ooh.

- Raj, promise me that you'll never let us switch

from our regular table again.

- Promise. Cross my heart and hope to die.

- I mean, these are the 's, right?

I mean, there's certain people you shouldn't sleep with,

certain tables you shouldn't sit at,

and there are certain cabs you just can't afford to get into.

- Cabs! Oh, no.

- What? - Ahh!

Ahh! Hi.

Um, I'm sorry. I forgot about you.

- It's okay.

- How much do I owe you?

- $.

- [gasps]

I've only got $.

- Don't piss me.

- I'm not pissing you.

I've only got $.

- Now you piss me.

- I'm sorry.

- Hey, what is this place here, huh?

It's some sort of boy sex club?

You leave me waiting out here,

you go into this place,

you making sex with men,

spreading your disease?

Then you come back out here to rip me off?

This is what you do for a living?

I curse you for my $, you f*gg*t.

- Hey.

h*m*.

[cheers and applause]

[laid-back rock music]

♪