04x21 - Episode 21

[bunniefuu]

- The fashion of Valencia,

the colors of Rio,

the mystery of Montenegro.

- * No, no, no

- Fioré.

[dark electronic music]

Fire.

- Never before, more than I had to be.

Tonight, feel like a bitch.

*

- Why do you do it?

- Power.

[sparks whirring]

- It came from the favelas of Brazil

to take over the entire world.

Fioré.

Now you, too, can smell like a B-movie star.

*

Fioré. [lizard growling]

- Smell me.

- Fioré.

Fioré. Fioré.

- Why do you do it?

- Power.

*

- * Yes, yes, yes

[laid-back rock music]

*

- Things to do.

Things to do today.

Got a big day ahead of me.

Several things to do.

Got to keep on top of my life.

Got to keep on top of my life.

Got seven things to do.

Number one: banking.

Number two: pick up dry--

okay, you just knocked over an old lady.

Keep moving. You got seven things to do!

Okay, one down.

I got six things to do.

Number two: pick up dry cleaning.

Number-- wait a second.

I got number five where number seven should be.

Number eight:

switch number five with number seven.

- Good morning, everybody.

This is a holdup.

I repeat, this is a holdup.

No funny business, or this will happen to you.

[g*nsh*t]

Get the money.

[alarm ringing]

Aw, great, now we need a hostage.

- Okay.

- You!

- All right, you're being held hostage.

Add it to the schedule.

Adapt and adjust!

Number two: pick up dry cleaning.

Excuse me, could you drop me off at my dry cleaners?

It's at Pape and Danforth.

Thanks.

- Look,

maybe you don't understand the situation that you're in.

You are a hostage, and I am a man with a g*n.

So shut up!

- Here's my dry cleaners!

Thank you.

[brakes squeal]

[bell jingles]

- Nice try, smartass. Let's go.

- He won't give me my pants 'cause I lost my tag.

- No tag, no pants!

- Well, give him his pants.

- No!

- Look, give him his pants or this'll happen to you.

[g*nsh*t]

- Holy--

- Oh, yeah, these are your pants.

My mistake.

- Number three: buy stamps.

Hmm.

Driver, turn right.

I'm going to the post office.

- Oh, we're not going right.

We're going left.

- Turn right. - No, we're going left.

Turn left!

- Could you turn right, driver?

- Look, we're going left.

If you don't shut up,

this is going to happen to you!

[g*nsh*t]

[horn blaring]

Uh-oh.

[tires squealing]

[crash]

- Number three: buy stamps.

Okay!

Got to keep on top of my life.

Got to keep on top of my life.

Okay, just knocked over the same old lady.

Keep moving!

You got five things to do.

Number three: buy stamps.

Number four: pay bills.

[upbeat music]

*

- Well, here we are in the drawing room.

This is where I keep my treasures, as you can see.

- Wow, this is a great art collection.

- Aye, yes, well, thank you very much.

I've been collecting for some years.

You know, it's a modest collection, really.

Something to put away for the kids, you know.

- That is one of my favorite pieces.

- Oh, really?

- It's a real breakthrough.

- Aye, aye, yes.

I mean, the level of talent is quite frightening, isn't it?

You know, I often wonder how you artistic types

get your ideas, you know.

- Well...

- Well, I mean, think of it.

This guy goes into a bar somewhere, you know,

and he's watching some guys play pool,

and the next thing you know,

he's painting dogs playing pool.

I mean, that's a gift.

- And dogs can't even play pool!

- I know!

I know!

To think of that when it goes against

all the laws of nature.

- That's art. - Aye.

- That's art.

- Hey, tell me what you think of this one.

- That's a stunning piece.

- I know, I know.

It's quite moving, isn't it, eh?

- Yes.

- "The Crying Clown."

I mean, to think of it, you know?

A clown, who'd normally you'd expect to be

the happiest little camper in the world,

and he's found underneath

to be, in his soul, unhappy.

- You know, I've learned that people who seem happy

often are unhappy.

- Aye, yes, that's a revelation.

- Yes.

This is a wonderful art collection.

- Oh, well, you know,

I mean, some of it's probably junk, but--

- Come on.

- Well, you know, I think I've been

fairly astute in my selections.

- You know, I would be honored

to have one of my pieces hang here.

- Well, let's take a look at one of your paintings,

then, shall we?

- Okay. - Okay.

All right, eh?

Ah, yes, that's a very good Elvis.

- Thank you; it took a lot of time,

almost three hours.

And I used a lot of paint.

- Oh, did you?

Oh, yes.

Oh, yes, I can see the paint is quite thick.

And, oh, the frame's from Mexico.

- Yes, yes.

- That might add a little value.

Well, I suppose we should talk business business, eh?

- I'm prepared.

- All right.

How much do you want for your painting?

- Eight dollars.

- Eight dollars?

Oh, dear, oh, dear, oh dear,

puppy, puppy, no, no, no.

To tell you the truth,

that's a little bit more than I was thinking about spending.

- Well, I am interested in listening to a counter offer.

- Aye?

Uh, how's four dollars?

- See, it's just that the frame and the paint cost me six,

so I'd be--I'd just...

- Oh.

Tell me.

Did you know Elvis?

- No, but I've been to Graceland.

- Have you really?

- You know, it's quite small.

- Really?

- Yes.

- I, uh--

I hear he d*ed in a bathtub, eh?

- That is the sad truth.

- Aye?

Seven dollars?

- Sold!

- Aye, you got yourself a deal at seven dollars, my friend.

Now, come on, let's seal this with a drink

before someone steals it away from me.

[chuckles]

There you go.

- Mateus!

- Oh!

Are you familiar with this wine?

- Some say a little too familiar.

- [laughs]

You artsy types, I swear.

There you go, huh?

To a great painting.

It's made me as happy as a circus seal

balancing a beach ball on his nose.

- Cheers.

[upbeat music]

*

- Look.

Look over there.

It's what's-his-name. - Oh, yeah.

- The bartender from Basket's.

- Yeah.

He is so hot, eh?

- You think? I think he's gross!

- I think he's hot.

- Oh, God, I think he looks like

the love child of Siegfried and Roy.

- Who?

- Never mind.

- Oh, look at him.

He's hot, eh?

- Oh, I think he's a toad.

Kiss him, you'll get warts.

- Well, I think he's hot.

- Well, I think he isn't.

- Well, I think he's hot. - Well, I don't think he is.

- Well, I think he's very, very hot.

- Well, I think he's not hot!

- Are you aware of how many times

you've used the word "hot,"

and it's not even hot outside?

Imagine how many times you would use it

if it were actually hot.

- A lot, I guess.

- Can we talk about something else besides guys, like, really?

- I'd switch to decaf if I was you, Smitty,

like, really.

- Rome is burning, and all we do is cruise.

- What?

Rome's burning?

Maybe that's why Italians are so hot, eh?

- You guys are too much.

-Hey, check out the queers!

- Wow, he is so hot.

- Gorgeous.

- You guys are disgusting.

- You should never let politics interfere with cruising, Smitty.

- Yeah, that's why you never get laid.

- I give up.

- I know what people think of me; I do.

They consider me a happy-go-lucky guy,

a carefree sort,

full of smiles, brimming with chuckles, and whatnot.

Few people realize there is a darker side.

Few people know that I have been living a sham.

Each night, as I go home to my apartment

and my large bowl of popcorn,

that I sit in silence with a dog,

for whom I feel nothing--

nothing.

Maybe it's my fault for never having named the dog.

See, I've had him for three years,

and I just couldn't think one up.

The only name that suited him was

"Small Mammal with Whom I Live a Lie."

I've even given up trying small talk, stuff like...

So how's man's best friend today?

Boy, wok cooking sure is harder than it looks.

So we'd sit with heavy, dreaded air between us.

And then one night, it happened.

I turned my head and saw my dog looking at me.

There we were, locked in a stare,

frozen in time.

And in his eyes, I could see my human arrogance

reflected back.

"How dare I eat meat?" I almost screamed.

[operatic music]

*

And as quickly as the moment came, it ended.

[dog belches]

The burp, like the moment, is now gone forever.

But as long as I live,

I shall never forget the night I connected with my dog.

[operatic music]

*

[somber piano playing]

- On October , ,

an era came to an end.

The great vaudeville entertainer,

Cyril St. John,

almost completely forgotten

and entirely dead,

was laid to rest.

- Daddy never liked Cyril.

No, not in the least, no.

In fact, when Cyril was only a baby,

Daddy once took Cyril and...

put him in a paper bag and threw him in the river.

I believe it was his intent to drown Cyril.

But somehow or another, Cyril managed to escape the bag

and make it to shore, and, uh...

Daddy, quite despite himself, was heard to remark,

"That boy's really got something."

He still never liked Cyril, but, um...

after that, there was respect.

- The man once known to millions worldwide simply as

"The Escapist," began his career modestly

in the early 's.

This early newsreel footage shows him performing

one of his most celebrated feats:

the escape from the large, wet paper bag.

[ragtime piano music]

*

But the thrill-hungry audiences of the 's

were not easily satisfied.

- "Trans-Atlantic News"--

The Escapist testing the limits of humanity.

[bulb flashing]

- Mr. Mayor,

would you please attest as to the authenticity

of this straightjacket?

- Yes.

To the best of my knowledge, as mayor,

I would have to say that this appears to be

a completely authentic straightjacket

of the type used in our own

humanely run insane asylums.

And, Mr. St. John, may I say that you

would have to be insane

to attempt this daring stunt.

[both laughing]

- We shall see, Your Honor.

May I now please be raised into the air?

[triumphant fanfare]

*

- The minutes passed...

turned into hours.

The hours became days.

The days stretched into weeks.

Although Cyril struggled on gamely,

it was all too apparent that the great Escapist

had finally met his match.

- found America racing to w*r,

and the public quickly lost interest in daredevils.

Cyril, no longer in the spotlight,

was quick to enlist to serve his country.

[rapid g*nf*re]

[expl*si*n booms]

[g*nsh*t]

After being wounded a record times,

Cyril returned to America as an honored w*r hero,

and he was given his own show

in the new medium of television.

[upbeat music]

*

[audience applause]

- Hey, Dad.

[audience applause]

- Yes, Ronnie?

- Do you think I could borrow the car tonight?

- Well, I don't know, Ronnie.

- Aw, come on.

It's not like you're gonna be using it.

- Why, I ought to--

- Yeah, as if you could.

- [grunting]

- See you, Pops.

[lively music]

[audience applause]

- The great thing about TV in the old days

was that it was live.

You had one sh*t at it, and anything could happen.

Somebody'd forget a line, break a prop, hell--

he might even have gotten out of that damn thing.

You never knew.

- "Fit to be Tied" ran from to ,

when, according to network executives,

despite the addition of a monkey to the cast,

the premise just ran out of steam.

Several unsuccessful films followed.

"Bound to Serve" was the tale of a Mountie

bringing law and order to the Canadian northwest.

Although considered to be his best film,

it was also considered to be terrible.

minutes after its release,

Cyril announced his retirement from show business.

Many years of isolation followed.

Unable to cope with life out of the public eye,

Cyril St. John, The Escapist,

lapsed into mental illness

and was institutionalized.

[all grunting]

- Yes! Yes!

Yes!

- Now, in the early 's,

something strange and wonderful happened.

The old kinescopes of "Fit to be Tied" were rerun

all over America,

and a whole new generation was being turned on

to Cyril St. John.

This, of course, led to the famous

Carnegie Hall appearance in '.

[upbeat piano]

[applause]

- * Lydia, oh, Lydia

* Say, have you met Lydia?

* Lydia

[unintelligible singing]

[applause]

[cheering]

* Oh, Lydia, Lydia

* Lydia

* Tied to the lady

[upbeat piano]

*

- That was to be The Escapist's last public appearance

but for one.

[somber music]

*

- Butch? - Huh?

- I've been thinking.

Maybe Smitty's right about us.

Maybe we are shallow.

- Wow.

- Perhaps we should try injecting

some political issues into our discussion.

- Wow.

- For example:

what do you think of the issue of gays and marriage?

- I think they should.

Maybe.

I don't know.

Wow.

Yeah. - Hey, Smitty!

We were just discussing the issue of gays and marriage.

- Oh, really?

- Yeah, it's a complicated issue.

- What is so complicated about basic human rights?

- I don't know.

- Well, aren't we really just fighting

for the right to be trapped in loveless marriages as well?

- That's not the point.

- Well, I just happen to think

that gays were meant to live in sin.

- Yeah.

It's hotter that way.

- Why do I bother talking to you two

when you're so uninformed?

Can't you see that because we bond outside the law,

our relationships don't matter?

- But mine don't.

- I'm talking about normal people,

not a complete slut like you.

- I'm not a complete slut!

- Oh, look.

Now you've gone and made Butchy all upset.

- I'm sorry, Butch.

Sometimes I get so carried away fighting the good fight

that I forget about the little people around me.

- Ah, it's okay.

- Well, I've learned something.

I've learned that issues make people angry.

- Yeah.

Let's go to the baths.

- I admit it. I'm horny.

- Okay, come on.