- Oh, I'm sorry, Stan. No, I'm really sorry.
I mean, those contracts should have arrived this morning.
No, no, no, no.
I'm sure it's probably some screwup over on our end.
So I'll get those sent out to you right away.
Yeah, again, I'm deeply, deeply sorry, Stan.
Okay? Bye-bye.
Oh, man. [phone rings]
Hello. Oh, hi, Ruth. Hi.
No.
The fax didn't come through. You didn't receive--
Oh. I'm sorry, Ruth.
No, we're having a lot of problems here.
I'll send--I'll fax it out to you again right away.
Yeah, no, it's a lot of problems here.
Look, I'm gonna talk to my assistant about it, yeah.
Okay, again, deeply sorry, Ruth. Bye-bye.
Bye.
[intercom buzzes]
Could you come in here for a minute?
Idiot Boy.
- [moans]
- Maybe you could help me out with something.
I mean, something's happening here--or rather not happening.
I mean, faxes aren't being received.
Packages aren't being delivered.
And I was just wondering if you had any idea
of what might be going on?
- [mumbles]
- Oh, yeah.
Well, maybe you could do me a favor.
Maybe you could just, you know, keep an eye open,
see if you can see who's lousing up around here.
[laughter]
Ow.
- Okay. - Okay.
- Well thanks a lot, Idiot Boy.
- [moans] - Okay.
Let me get that for you. I'm sorry.
I don't know how that got shut.
Okay, counting on you-- - [screams]
- He's a good man.
[laid-back rock music]
*
[siren wailing]
- First of all, I'd like to thank you
for coming in this evening.
And second of all, did you k*ll that guy?
- Nope.
- This guy's a tough cookie.
- You can say that again, partner.
- Can I go?
both: No.
[peppy game show music]
*
- Hey! Estadura enda "Feelyat"?
audience: Vastu "Feelyat!"
- Evola de hostu, Valda Krepness!
[cheers and applause]
[all chanting]
- Treevu, treevu, treevu.
Un estel veetal dreshach "Feelyat,"
krayoper und ditsalo, Vanya Smitz!
*
[cheers and applause]
- Allo, Valda.
- Allo, Vanya. Torks defleur?
- Ja, Ja.
[laughter]
But, Valda, so es die Nederlander Foot Choir.
[clogs thumping rhythmically]
[cheers and applause]
- Die Nederlander Foot Choir. Nie let's "Feelyat!"
*
Zuva, contaga von dow contestas?
- Crevu, Valda.
Here de champion, von Antwerp, Belgium,
Hans Fody!
[cheers and applause]
Und at de premier challenger,
onta hamenboom es feyden,
dello bonich, Ricky Schreiunkaufsten!
[cheers and applause]
Und at sekunde challenger, von Toronto, Canada,
Darryl Vosnik!
Wilkom, Darryl!
[cheers and applause]
- Hans, hors die manzie "Feelyat"?
- Nay.
- Hors die manzie "Feelyat"?
- Nay.
- "Feelyat." Hors die manzie?
- "Feelyat!"
- Nie let's "Feelyat!"
[laughter]
Zuva, whatsen die object?
- Die object is een pineapple.
[crowd murmurs]
- Shh.
Thanks agan, nit, de Nederlander Foot Choir.
[clogs thumping rhythmically]
- Ist ein crong, nay.
Der te fasch, nay.
Ist ein heshta.
Heshta. Nay. Nay, nay, nay, nay, nay.
Hestha beesht.
- Ne montush trajucky.
Disastur zun Rhine.
Vishen ut alen ata krumpeltock.
Vrata ut toppot, blauch tona ebbuch frem.
Repeten. Vishen ut alen ata krumpeltock.
Vrata ut toppot, blauch tona ebbuch frem.
Nie punach poy "Feelyat!"
[clogs thumping rhythmically]
[bell dings]
- Ricky, whats tu feely?
- Essen ist ein Piep? [buzzer blares]
- Nay, ein clocken.
[audience groans]
Vanya?
Darryl Vosnik, whats tu feely?
- Arsen duest ein meat?
[applause]
[birds chirping]
- Ablia, ablia, ablia.
Und specifica, what kunder meat?
- Essen ist bifteck?
- "Feelyat!"
[cheers and applause]
Zuva, ino tussen del dasch, Darryl?
- Darryl, vos paszen ein Vietnamese potbellied pig!
[both exclaiming]
[all oinking]
- Inna maya potilo blahtek, "Feelyat."
Bye-bye. Bye-bye.
[cheers and applause]
*
[fast-paced country music]
*
[siren wailing]
- So we'd like you to be really comfortable
so you can confess.
- Okay.
- Would you like a coffee or a high-protein snack?
- How about some nice chicken wings?
- How about a TV?
- Canada is full of lazy, good-for-nothing,
indulgent beer drinkers who don't give a damn.
[laughter]
- Okay, it's a commercial.
Did you k*ll that guy?
- Nope.
- Damn.
- Hey, can we get cable?
- Hey, what do you think this is, a country club?
- Yeah.
- Bye-bye, baby.
[laughter]
- Oh, Miriam.
- Laura. Oh, my God. You look fabulous.
- Oh, thank you.
- Oh, you've gained weight
since the last time I saw you, haven't you?
- Gosh, I don't know, Miriam.
When was the last time I saw you?
- Six years ago.
- Oh, my God. Has it really been six years?
- Yes, and you've gained, what, , pounds?
- I don't know, Miriam.
I really can't remember what I weighed six years ago.
- .
I thought you weighed more, but you said .
- Then yes, yes, I have put on a few pounds since then.
- Well, you look fabulous anyway.
What do you weigh, , ? - Miriam!
- ?
- Miriam, I'm not going to tell you.
- ?
Oh, my God. You weigh over , don't you?
- Miriam, can we just change the subject?
I mean, we haven't seen each other for six years.
We have so much catching up to do.
- I'm sorry. You're right.
So how do you think I look? - Fabulous.
You look--it's just so good to see you again.
- And how much do you think I weigh?
- I don't care, Miriam.
- Come on, guess.
- No Miriam, I'm not gonna guess.
- pounds.
- pounds?
- Yes.
- You do not weigh pounds.
- Oh, yes, I do. - No, you don't.
- Oh, yes, I do. - No, you do not, Miriam.
A thin -year-old girl weighs pounds.
- I know.
- You don't weigh pounds.
- Oh, yes, I do. I weighed myself on a scale.
- Well, then you know what? That scale must be broken.
Yes, it must be, because you cannot weigh pounds
at your height and still be alive.
- May I tell you about today's specials?
- What the hell are those?
- Menus.
- Who put you up to this?
Who sent you here?
Get away from me!
Who sent you here?
- We're not quite ready to order yet.
Are you okay, Miriam?
- Oh, yes, I'm fine. I'm great.
Why shouldn't I be? I weigh pounds.
I have a scale in my purse.
If you don't believe me, I can weigh myself for you.
- That won't be necessary, Miriam.
- Then you believe that I weigh pounds?
- Yes.
So why don't you just relax, all right?
- [screams] - What?
- You touched my skin! - So?
- Your fat cells are all over me!
I can feel myself gaining weight as I speak!
There, I've gained half a pound thanks to your fat cells.
They're probably mutating by the millions.
I've got to leave.
- Miriam, where are you going? I just got here.
- I can't be seen in public bloated like this.
Cow coming through.
Cow coming through.
[upbeat rock music]
*
- [sniffles]
Well, I just received a telephone call
from our local police station
concerning our youngest son, Brian,
the baby.
My first thought was, "God, I hope he hasn't k*lled anyone."
'Cause he could, you know.
'Cause he's got his father's temper.
His father, Gordon, once k*lled a man.
Yeah, during the w*r.
A German.
Not in Europe, though, in Toronto.
The officer said they found Brian at : a.m.
stumbling around Gage Park soliciting dr*gs.
Gordon said it could have been worse, considering.
He could have been soliciting something else.
They said that they found on Brian's person
marijuana and something called "residue."
Some new kind of k*ller drug, I suppose.
The officer said that he was
completely hopped up on the stuff,
that he was insolent, had fake ID, the complete MO.
I hope they b*at him.
I do, 'cause that's the only thing that works.
In my day, they would have just
taken him out behind the woodshed,
and that would have been it.
But you can't do that no more.
Oh, no. It's not politically correct.
Besides, no one's got woodsheds anymore.
That's why you see so many kids getting hit down at the mall.
When the phone rang--
you know, when the telephone rang,
I knew in my heart that it was about Brian.
'Cause, you know,
a mother's got a sixth sense about her kids.
Not the fathers, though.
They barely know their own kids' names.
Gordon once picked up the wrong child at Sunday school.
Although I have to say, she did look a lot like Brian.
Why?
Why do they do it, huh?
Jeez, I ask you. I don't know.
I'll tell you one thing,
he's certainly not following my example.
The strongest thing I've ever put in my body is a shandy.
I even had my hysterectomy under a local.
I should have seen it coming.
Yeah, I should have.
I should have seen it coming when his grades plummeted.
Well, they were always low.
But a mother knows the difference
between a kid who's stupid and a kid who's high.
You know what? I blame the school system.
I do, yeah.
It all started to go wrong
the day they took down the queen's picture.
'Cause kids need guidance.
That's right, kids aren't bad.
No one's born bad,
except maybe the Antichrist.
The problem is, today--
today there's too much temptation for kids.
There's too much choice.
In my day, there was no choice.
You got married, you had kids, and you watched the CBC.
Yeah, there weren't any dr*gs in Canada yet.
Sure, lots of people were drunks,
but that's social.
Gordon's down there now
springing him.
Ooh, thank God for instant coffee, huh?
I don't know what I would do without my Maxwell House.
I suppose the only thing that we can do now is pray
that one of those cop shows wasn't there filming his arrest.
'Cause I couldn't bear to see him on TV
with his face all scrambled up.
Well, I'd better go make them some sandwiches.
They're bound to be famished when they come in.
[siren wailing]
- Hey, partner. - Huh?
- You know, I k*lled a guy.
- Really? - Yeah.
- Me too. - Oh.
Yeah, it was fun.
- Yeah, k*lling a guy. - Yeah.
- Heck, we all do it now and then.
- Yeah.
- How about you?
- Nope.
- I guess the peer pressure thing
only works for smoking.
- Yeah, that's how I started.
- [laughs]
[upbeat rock music]
*
[camera shutter clicks]
- Ha-ha, fish. You met your match today, fish.
Man, one; fish, zero.
Sucker.
[camera shutter clicks]
[laughs]
Thanks a lot, partner.
- Oh, Donny, you're just so full of beans today.
- I feel great.
You know, I think I might grow a beard.
- No.
- Why not? I'm in the heart of my vacation.
It just might look good.
- So bean-filled.
- [sighs]
- Time for work. Better shave it off.
- No, the beard stays. You go.
[laughs]
- [giggles nervously]
[both laughing]
[dramatic music]
*
- The beard stays.
- Right.
Now, a company's logo
is their calling card to the world.
And don't we all know how the world can suck some days?
[laughs]
Anyhoo, what we're trying to do here is--
- Man, I feel great.
Sorry to interrupt, Nina, but yooba, pooba, booba.
I know it's only : a.m.,
but I think I'm gonna get me a couple steaks
and some brewskis.
Yooba, pooba, booba.
- He's sure full of energy.
- I guess he still thinks he's on vacation.
- He should shave that beard off.
- He looks like a kid with that beard.
- And did you hear about that big fish he caught?
[snickers]
Really.
[suspenseful music]
[laughing]
[moaning]
[laughs]
[moaning]
- Don?
- What? Nothing.
I was doing nothing.
I was doing nothing.
Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh.
It's okay. It's okay.
It's okay. Shh. Shh.
It's okay. Come on, baby. Come on, baby.
Shh. Shh. Shh. It's okay. It's okay. Shh.
[reggae music playing]
*
You can drive to Fort Lauderdale in hours.
- Really? - Yeah.
You just got to stoke up on the burritos.
- Uh, Donald?
Um, I found your glasses in the boardroom.
- [laughs] I don't need them anymore.
- What?
- Don't you get it? - [screams]
- My eyesight's getting better.
I'm getting better.
- Oh, Donald.
- [straining]
[foreboding music]
*
[razor buzzing]
- Donny, what's wrong?
- We're fine.
- We?
- Shut it, you old skank.
- Well, I'm certainly not a skank.
*
- [grunting]
I don't know if it's my strength,
but this chair keeps breaking.
- What's wrong with your voice, Donald?
- Nothing, my beard's a little too tight, that's all.
[grunting]
Can't breathe!
Can't breathe!
[yells]
Get it off me! Get it off me!
It's too tight! It's too tight!
It's too tight! [screams]
Get it off me. Get it off me. Get it off me.
[screaming] Get it off!
[echoing thud]
[ominous music]
- Excuse me. Excuse me. Excuse me.
Excuse me. Oh, move. Excuse me.
I came as soon as I-- [gasps]
Heard.
- What you're about to see may terrify you.
[dramatic music]
- The beard. [screams]
[screams]
- [laughs]
It was the fight of my life, huh?
Ya bugger!
But I got you, didn't I?
Huh? [laughs]
[camera shutter clicks]
You know, I think I might grow a beard.
[laughs]
[dramatic music]
[laid-back rock music]
05x01 - Episode 1
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The Kids frequently appeared as themselves rather than as characters, and some sketches dealt directly with the fact that they were a comedy troupe producing a TV show.
The Kids frequently appeared as themselves rather than as characters, and some sketches dealt directly with the fact that they were a comedy troupe producing a TV show.