05x09 - Episode 9

[bunniefuu]

- I'm a little nervous today, boys.

- Oh, yeah, why's that, Smitty?

- My parents are coming to town. - Wow.

- Oh that is such a drag.

Oh, God, I mean you got to hide all your

Tom of Finland calendars, your p*rn.

Oh, and you got to strip your record collection

of all your dance divas

and repaint.

- Well, that's just it.

I'm tired of the lies; I'm tired of the closet.

I'm going to tell them I'm gay.

- Wow.

I could never tell my parents I'm gay,

'cause I'm not really.

You know, I'm just really sexual.

- Yeah, how about really, really, really sexual.

- When did your parents find out, Riley?

- Oh, my parents don't know. - What?

Your parents don't know? How could they not?

I mean, you know, you're so effeminate.

- I am not effeminate.

I'm just classy.

I don't read gay, unlike you.

- Wow.

- How can we call ourselves grown-ups

unless we're honest with our parents?

We owe them the truth.

- Look, I owe my parents exactly $ from University.

After that, we're just good friends.

- Well, I have to go.

I told them I'd meet them at Pesto's at :.

Wish me luck. - Okay.

- Good luck. - See you later.

- I am not effeminate. - Yes, you are.

- No, I am not. - Oh, yeah.

- Why don't you shut up?

[laid-back rock music]

*

- Maybe we could go out and have a coffee?

- I really value our friendship.

- Okay.

- Excuse me, can you tell me where the crab shampoo is?

- What kind of shampoo, sir?

- You know, crab shampoo, shampoo for my crabs.

I got crabs in my pubic hair!

It itches as all get out.

- I think we have some over here.

- Ah, good!

See, I'm not from here.

I'm from America,

so I'm not familiar with the crab shampoo section

in these here Canadian drug stores.

- Here you go, sir. - Hey, no, no, no, come on.

You got anything bigger?

I mean I'm talkin' crabs, son.

There must be a million of them suckers

squirmin' around down there.

Hey, you know, a funny thing is...

crabs, they actually look like crabs.

I noticed that last night

as I was examinin' them under my magnifyin' glass.

Isn't that funny?

God damn, they're itchy!

Hey, you got a back scratcher or somethin'?

Do you have those kind of things up here in Canada?

- Yeah, over there. - Yeah?

Oh, there we go.

Don't get me wrong,

I don't want to buy one.

I just want to borrow one for a second.

Hey there, little darlin'!

- Here you go. - Oh, thank you!

All right now, let's see.

Now, this ought to work.

I mean, I know this'd k*ll American crabs,

but these here Canadian crabs are tenacious little mothers!

- It'll do it, sir.

- Yeah, okay.

Well, is there anywhere where I can try this thing out?

Like a changing room, or somethin'?

Do you have those kinda things up here in Canada?

- Yes, we do, but not in drug stores.

- Okay.

Guess I'll have to take my chances.

Now, I don't want you thinkin' I got crabs all the time.

You know, just sometimes, I get all horned up

and I forget to put on my little rubber friend.

You understand that, don't you? Okay.

I just want to say that you Canadians,

you got a beautiful country down here.

Except for that crab problem.

Thanks again!

Hey, little darlin', you want to step out sometime?

- No, you've got crabs.

- Duh, that's why I got the crab shampoo,

to get rid of 'em.

Look, tell ya what.

You give me half an hour,

and you come on up to my hotel room.

I'll be clean as a whistle.

Hey, bet I kiss better than your daddy.

- I loves you baby. I really loves you.

- I love you too, so much.

- However much you loves me, I loves you back double.

Because I really loves you.

- I was thinking, maybe it's time

for us to make a commitment.

- I am committed to you baby, %.

More when I'm rested.

I am committed to you, baby.

Baby, you.

- Oh, I know, I know, I know, I was just thinking,

that it's time we made an actual commitment to each other.

- How more committed can I be?

Baby, you say jump, I do not say how high,

I say what do you want me to get what I'm up there?

The moon, the stars, the Milky Way?

- That's beautiful.

- Yeah.

- Well, I think we should move in together.

I think we're ready for that.

- Baby, I was born ready for that.

- Really? When?

- Yesterday. - Seriously.

- The day before yesterday, last week.

Baby, I don't care, when I'm with you,

I feel like we've been living together ever and always.

- Yeah, but how do you actually want to go about this?

I mean, should I move my stuff in here,

or do you want to move your stuff into my place?

- Baby, I only got one piece of furniture,

and that's my heart.

I hope I don't scratch up the walls of your heart

when I move it on in.

Look, do you want to do this or not?

- Baby, want, need, if I don't do this,

you might as well k*ll me right here right now.

- Don, you know, I'm having

a little difficulty telling when you're being sincere.

- Then look into my eyes.

See the sincerity.

Sincerity is an apple hanging off a sincerity tree.

Pluck it and take a bite of my nice, juicy sincerity.

- So, I love you and you love me, right?

- Aren't you hearing me, baby?

I loves you.

- And, you think that we should move in together?

- I think we should move together,

if you know what I mean.

- No.

- I think we should move together.

In.

Like, I should move,

and you should move,

and we should move in together.

Keep moving in,

and moving in together, in, moving.

- Okay, hold on, I think I've got this here.

Okay, so then, I'm going to go to my place, right?

And I'm going to pack up all of my stuff,

and I'm going to bring it over here,

and I'm going to move in here with you.

- Baby.

[bleep].

[bleep].

Okay, I loves you baby.

But I don't loves myself.

I can't live with you,

because I can't live with myself.

I loves you too much.

- Would you like some tea?

- I don't like tea.

- It's chamomile tea.

- I said I don't like tea.

- I have lots of tea.

I have English Breakfast, Orange Pekoe, Lemon Zinger.

- Remove your jacket, please.

Breathe deeply.

- Tickles. You bastard.

- Well, Mr. Tisane, everything appears to be normal.

You say you're having trouble sleeping at night?

- Not a wink.

- Well, then, what I'd like to do is take a blood test,

and we'll see if everything is in order.

Roll up your sleeve, please.

Hello.

This appears to be tea.

The problem is obvious.

You're drinking too much tea,

and too much of anything isn't good for you.

You must stop drinking tea.

Tea, tea, tea.

Stop, stop, stop.

Stop the tea.

Stop the tea.

Number nine.

Number nine.

Number nine.

This is where I get out.

Thanks awfully for the lift.

Taxi!

Downtown.

- I will never drink tea again.

Got to have-- got to have tea.

Got to have--got to have tea.

Must need--must need tea.

Must need-- must need tea.

Got to have--got to have tea.

Got to have--

- Looking for me?

- Tea!

Why must you taunt me like this?

- Come on.

Dunk me.

You know you want to dunk me.

So why don't you...

Dunk me?

- You're not real.

I'm just going through the de-teas.

Tea, be gone.

I'm just going through the de-teas.

[whispering indistinctly]

[muttering indistinctly]

- Come on.

Lick my bag.

- No!

- I go good with these.

- Not scones.

You are a cruel giant tea bag.

- Join me.

The water is hot and steaming.

- No!

[screams echo]

I did it.

I did it.

I b*at the tea.

I don't need tea.

I'm better than tea.

Me one, tea nothing.

I hate the tea.

I am honestly better than the tea.

I just really don't like--

[groans]

- Hey, that's my tea!

- Give me the tea, you bastard.

- I have fallen off the wagon, for I am a sl*ve to tea.

- Ah! Mr. Jones!

- Hi, Mister...

Torrey!

- Yes, exactly.

Have a seat.

- Thank you.

- So, what can we do for you today?

- I'm looking for a loan. - Ah!

And what would this be for?

- I have a revolutionary idea for a new restaurant.

- Really? Let's hear all about it.

- Well, let me ask you this, Mr. Torrey.

Where can you go in this town to get a really fine boiled potato?

- A boiled potato? - Yes.

I mean a lot of restaurants offer you french fries

or home fries or even a baked potato,

but where can you go to get a really fine boiled potato?

- Well, I'm sure there must be places

that serve a boiled potato.

- Oh certainly, there may be a handful of places

that offer the opportunity

to experience an inferior version of the boiled potato,

but I'm talking about a restaurant

that specializes in the boiled potato

and only the boiled potato.

- So, you would only serve boiled potatoes?

- No, we would also serve a very fine potato broth.

- Do you mean like a potato soup, some sort--

- No, a potato broth.

It is the water in which the potato was boiled.

- Okay, Mr. Jones.

I really don't think that our bank--

- Please, don't rely on my word alone.

What about the testimony of two passersby?

- Excuse me? - Gee, honey.

That was some great boiled potato.

- Oh sure, home cooked,

but someday I'd like to dress up nice and go out

and have a boiled potato.

- Maybe someday.

Maybe someday.

- You see?

The public's clamoring for this idea!

- Mr. Jones, I'm busy.

Would you get out, please?

- Oh, okay.

Although, I do have another idea, but it's not so good.

- Oh, oh really. What would that be?

- Well, it's cr*ck.

Yeah, it's a smokable form of cocaine

that appeals to a larger segment of the population.

- I know what cr*ck is, Mr. Jones.

- Terrific.

Well, I already have a large distribution team in place.

All I need is a startup investment, and, uh...

- Okay, I'm in.

- Really?

- Yeah, I know, well, cr*ck's great.

- Great! You'll help me sell my cr*ck!

- Sorry about that bad cr*ck, honey.

I just don't know how to cook it.

-Maybe someday a large distribution team will--

- Don't worry about it. He's in!

- Oh, great!

- So, what's this movie all about, anyway?

- You haven't heard about "Intimate Circumstances"?

- No.

- It's Hollywood's first big film about gay men.

It's supposed to be the first real honest look at our lives.

- Well, besides p*rn.

- I heard there's a really sexy scene

in which Andrew Baldwin and Dennis Korday really make out.

- Wow.

They're hot.

Let's go.

[dramatic music]

*

- Pink?

Come on. - Give it a chance.

The gay and lesbian community needs this picture.

- You know, I heard that Dennis Korday is gay.

- Yeah, I heard that Andrew Baldwin's gay too.

- And apparently Mimi Hartley is a big ----.

- Norman Windsor is definitely straight.

He's a liberal.

- They're terrible in bed.

- But I'm a liberal.

[both laugh]

Shh!

- Hey, why don't you finish shoveling my driveway

if you've got the time?

- Your first snow, huh?

- Actually, I'm from Florida.

It's my first snow ever.

- Well, you handle your shovel like you've been doing it

all your life.

- The name's Pruitt.

Bob Pruitt.

- Bill Spengal.

I live next door.

[sultry saxophone music]

See you.

- Hi. - Hey, honey.

I saw you talking to the new neighbor.

What's his name? - Pruitt.

Bob Pruitt. He's from Florida.

- You're cold.

[music continues]

*

- Buckle up, girls.

Tension's as thick as butter.

- You know, Butch, you look a lot like Andrew Baldwin.

- No way, he's Jewish.

[engine grinding]

- Hi, there.

- Hi. - You having car problems?

- Yeah, it won't go.

- Oh, well, it was minus last night.

You should have plugged it in.

- Plugged it in?

- Yeah, you know, you plug--

Florida, right?

Okay, when it gets really cold out, right,

you plug the car into an outlet,

and the outlet powers the heater,

and that heater keeps the car warm

so that it can start the next morning.

- So you just plug it in?

- Yeah, you just plug it in.

- And it keeps it hot?

- Wow, he said hot.

- Shh!

- One hour into the movie, and that's the first time

they've even touched.

- Yeah, they haven't even taken their coats off yet.

- I know, but I think we've seen like,

Mimi's tits, like, seven times.

- You think this is about you, don't you, William?

How could you do this? - Eight.

- [laughs]

- Give it a chance. There's still minutes left.

- Oh, great.

- I saw the both of you.

And it made me sick.

- You don't understand.

Nothing's happened yet. - Yet?

Yet?

Well, how long until yet?

- Yeah, tell me about it, sister.

- You want it to happen, don't you?

- Yeah.

I do.

- Well, Willy baby,

you and Mr. Bob Pruitt from Florida can just hop on flipper

and say good-bye.

[all] Flipper?

- Who wrote this movie, Ivan Tors?

- This movie sucks.

It's the worst movie ever about ----.

- It's the worst movie ever about anything.

I mean, if this movie was about vegetables,

then it would be the worst movie ever about vegetables.

- Don't judge it yet.

The Advocate loved it.

Apparently all the good stuff happens at the end,

so let's just wait and see?

- Ugh.

I'm too bored to wait.

I'm going to go for a piss and a pop.

- Oh, get me another Pepsi.

- No problem.

-Shh! - Problem.

- When the sparks fly, what happens here...

- She never understood...

- Our intimate circumstances.

- That does it.

I'm officially outraged.

Hollywood has failed the gay community once again.

- I never really expect much from Hollywood,

so I'm never disappointed.

What I can't believe is that they made this whole big movie,

and they never once showed Andrew Baldwin's chest.

I mean, that's just bad business sense.

- Hey, where's Butch?

- Hi. - Hi.

So, where's my Pepsi?

- Oh, um...

[clears throat]

I forgot.

- You forgot. - Yeah.

- Great movie, huh?

**

**