05x10 - Episode 10

[bunniefuu]

- Hello! - Hi, there.

- Hi.

So what can I get you fine people on this very morning?

- Well, we'd like two coffees.

- Coming right up.

- I got to say,

I have never seen a town so clean.

I mean, it is spotless.

There's not a piece of trash on the street.

Every store

or place of business we've been to

is extremely well kept.

I am very impressed.

- Well, thank you very much for noticing.

It's very important to us that we keep this town

as clean as possible.

You might say it's a point of pride.

We like to think that we've got the cleanest town

in North America.

- Well, you got my vote.

[both laughing]

Oh, gee, I'm sorry.

[eerie music]

♪

- That's okay.

We just have to clean the whole town again, that's all.

[slurping]

[all slurping]

Hey, Mister!

You've got some cream on you!

Stay there, and I'll lick you clean,

you filthy outsider!

[dramatic music]

♪

[laid-back rock music]

♪

both: Mwah!

- Hey, kid, how are you enjoying your newfound fame, huh?

- I feel like I'm drowning.

- Eh, she's kidding. She's loving it.

- But people hate me.

- Hey, hey, hey! Come on!

You're a big movie star with a big hit film.

Don't worry your head about those death threats.

Come on. - Come on!

You know, it's a controversial movie,

and controversy sells tickets.

- Exactly. Look.

Your next film, we'll get you playing a singing nun

or a dolphin trainer or something,

and the fans will love it.

Really. Come on.

- Okay. - Okay?

- All right. Goodnight. - We love you.

- Goodnight. - Goodnight.

Take care. Good kid, eh?

- God, I'm glad that's over.

- Yeah, me, too. - Oh, you want another drink?

- Hey, do you have to ask? - Okay.

Waiter, two bourbons, please, with ice.

- Sorry, sirs. Last call was an hour ago.

- What?

- What? Hey, buddy, nobody told us.

- I told you. - Oh, come on kid.

You were joking. Get us a drink.

- Sir, I never joke when it comes to last call.

- Come on! Get us a drink!

Do you know who we are?

- I'm sorry, sirs. I can't.

It's past last call.

- Hey! Where are we? n*zi Germany?

- What are we in? A concentration camp?

- Yeah, come on, get us a drink, you anti-Semitic bastard.

- I'm sorry, sirs.

If I do, we might lose our liquor license.

- What the hell? - Hey, Brett, cool it.

Come on. Easy.

- Well, he crapped on my religion.

- Hey, I know, but just cool it,

or you're gonna lose it.

Let me handle this, okay?

So what is it you want?

You want money? Is that what you want? Huh?

You want--what you do want?

You want $? You want $?

You want $? You want $?

- Sir, I don't want your money.

- What?

- This guy seem snippy to you?

- Oh, yeah. He's very snippy.

- Yeah.

I think he's a snippy little ----.

- Yeah, come on, Brent.

Of course this is it. He's a ----.

He wants to get to the baths before they close.

Make him a deal. Get us a drink.

- Okay. I'll cut you a deal.

Okay, kid, you get us a little drinky-winky,

and we'll buy you a guy with a shlong like this, huh?

- Sirs, I am not gay. - What?

- What? - All right.

I'm getting sick of this. Show him the Ace Award.

Come on. - Yeah. Sick of it. Yeah.

Two bourbons with ice. - Yes, please.

- What? - What?

- The Ace didn't do it?

- The Ace didn't do it?

- What city are we in here?

Did we move? Is this not LA?

- Hey! Where are we? Toronto?

[both laughing]

You're fired. - Yeah.

- You can't fire me.

- Hey, hey, hey. Yes, we can.

Murray Braverman owns several hotels in Las Vegas.

Bought his six-year-old son shares in this here restaurant.

One call to Murray, Jr. and your ass is out of here.

Now get us some drinks. - Yeah.

Well, I'll take my chances. Now, would you leave?

I've got to clean the place up for tomorrow.

- Oh, Brett, we've lost it.

- What? The kid broke us?

- The kid broke us.

The kid broke us. I can't believe it.

Streisand couldn't break us, but this kid broke us.

- Well, I guess that's the way it works out.

One day you're hot; the next day,

you're crap on someone else's shoes.

- Oh, yeah.

That's the way it went down for Larry Silvers, CFA.

Did you hear? - What?

- Larry Silvers, CFA. - Yeah.

- You know, one day, he's a big agent.

Makes an art picture.

You know, it bombs.

So he goes home, you know, to think, regroup.

- Uh-huh? - His kids k*ll him.

- What? - His own kids!

- Why? - They didn't recognize him.

- Oh. - Ah, you'll see.

It's gonna be a big TV movie of the week.

- Wait. - What?

- Brent. - What?

- Duh.

Hey, kid, you an actor?

- I dabble.

both: Ah-ha!

- But in the theater.

both: Theater!

[both laughing]

- Don't be a schmuck!

Get in the movies.

- I don't want to do your kind of crap.

I want to do projects that have integrity, a vision,

stuff that has something important to say.

both: Oh, you want to produce.

- Okay.

Hello, Leo? Yeah.

Brett Sudelman here. Look. Come on, wake up!

Look, all right, we're ready to do the deal on that thing,

but we want you to finance a low-budget independent picture

for a hot, new, young producer.

What--what do you mean? Has he produced before?

No, but that'll make two of you.

His name? His name?

What's your name, kid?

- Jeremy Flood. - Yeah. Jeremy Flood.

He's hot, he's creative,

he's got talent, a lot of integrity.

Okay? Monday morning. Right.

There, now you're producing. - Hey. You're in.

Okay. Get us some drinks.

- Yeah. - Sure!

- Hey, hey. Wait, wait, kid. What are you doing?

- Getting you drinks. Two bourbons, right?

- No, no, no, no, no. You're a producer now.

You don't get us drinks. We get you drinks.

Sit down. Come on. Get over there.

- You just park your keister down here,

and you tell me every idea you have

in that tiny little mind of yours.

- Well, I have one idea I call "Grapes."

- "Grapes?" I love it.

- Hey, hey, kid, get back here.

I can't find the ice. Come on.

Does he got any ideas? - Yeah.

He's got an idea for a movie called "Grapes."

- What? "Grapes?" I hate the title.

- Change it. - All right. "Tanks."

- I love it. - Do you like it?

- Yeah.

[twangy rock music]

♪

- I've never loved like this before.

- I couldn't imagine life without you.

- I thought about you all day at work today.

- I know. - I was going crazy.

I wanted to call.

- If I didn't know you... - I feel so good around you.

- I'd have to invent you.

- I feel so good around you. - I'm amazed by you.

- Okay. I have one I want to ask.

All right.

Suppose that you were a chicken and I was an oven.

How would you like me to cook you?

- I'd want you to cook me so that I was all delicious.

- Oh, that would take all day.

You...

- Well, I wouldn't mind,

not if you were the cook.

- I wouldn't mind either.

- I know. - I wouldn't.

[both giggling]

I was having you on. - I know.

You.

- Don't be mad.

- I wasn't mad. Did I say I was mad?

- No. No.

- You thought I was mad, though, didn't you?

- I did. - Yeah.

But I wasn't.

I can't get mad at you.

[lively music]

♪

[woman cooing]

- You've got a yacky kid there.

- I beg your pardon?

- Your kid, it yacks a lot.

You've got a yacky kid, lady.

Yackety-yack-yack.

It hasn't shut up since I got here.

It's an annoying little chatterbox.

Don't you have a soother

or a log you could stick into it's mouth

so it would shut up?

- Well, I never. - But you did.

That's the problem.

If you never, then the kid wouldn't be here.

But you did, so you gave birth to the human phenomena

known as the kid that never shuts up.

Come one! Come all!

Come see the noisy freak child that hasn't shut up since birth!

- Stop it.

- Have you ever thought of punishment?

What you could do is grab the kid by the ankles

and dunk his head in the toilet.

Do that a few times,

and the kid will shut up, I promise you.

- Excuse me, I think you're being very rude

to that young lady.

- Thank you.

- Are you a king?

- What?

- Are you a king of a country

or some kind of baby expert?

- No.

- Then shut up, you fruitcake!

[baby fussing]

Listen to it.

I mean, if it were my kid, I would have silenced it by now.

The kid would be in his crib late at night, yackin' away,

and then I'd creep into his room, grab a pillow,

and--whaah!

And then there'd be this beautiful moment of silence.

Then the phone would ring,

and the voice on the other line would say, "Thank you.

Thank you for silencing that yacky kid."

And that voice would be the mayor of this city.

- Peter, I'm leaving you.

- But why?

- I am not gonna let you be the father to my child.

- What? I'd be a great dad.

Only my kid would never be a yacker.

- Forget it, Peter.

- Women are insane!

[relaxed music]

♪

- Now, let's clear this up.

This is Dave Foley,

and this is an elk.

Dave Foley.

An elk.

Dave Foley.

[g*nsh*t]

Okay, let's go over this again.

An elk has four legs,

while Dave Foley has two legs.

[g*nsh*t]

Dave Foley lives in a house--

a house--

while an elk lives in a forest.

[g*nsh*t]

Look, you're just not getting this, are you?

This is Dave Foley...

[g*nsh*t]

And this is an elk.

[g*nshots]

[shattering, clinking]

Well, it doesn't matter anymore, does it?

[relaxed music]

♪

- Come on in, guy.

Come on in.

Come on.

- Nice place you got here.

- Yeah, it's okay.

You know, it's small, but it's big, eh?

- Yeah.

Oh, this is cool.

- Yeah, it's tiger skin.

It won't bite, but I will.

- [laughs]

- Take your coat off. - No, I'm okay.

- Come on, take your coat off. - No.

- Take it off.

- Oh, that's--that's neat.

I've seen one of these at my friend's house.

- Wow.

[breathing heavily] Wow.

- What are you staring at? - Your hump!

- Oh, thanks a lot. I'm out of here.

- Hey! What's with the attitude, guy?

Hey, jeez, I mean, it's not like I didn't see it in the bar.

You weren't hiding it very well.

- Well, every guy I've ever been with acted like it wasn't there

or did it out of pity.

I just wish it didn't matter.

- Well, you know, I mean, it doesn't matter.

But it does.

You know what I mean?

- No.

- I like it.

- You do?

- Yeah.

I think it's sexy.

You know, when I first saw you in Bar Hot,

first thing I thought was, "Wow. What a hot guy."

And then I saw the hump, and I thought "Wow.

What a hot guy with a hump."

And then I thought, "Wow.

What a hot hump."

- So it's just my hump you find attractive?

- Oh, not just.

- But mostly?

- Yeah.

But, now, guy, now that I see you here,

I can see that you're more than the sum of your parts.

Come on. Sit down.

- When I first saw you in Bar Hot,

you know what I thought?

- What?

- "Wow, he's been here every night."

- [laughs]

- And then I thought, "It's Tuesday."

- Yeah. - What the hell.

- Hey, I like to party.

- So have you always been attracted to hunchbacks?

Yes, I said hunchbacks.

We're reclaiming the word.

- Yeah, probably 'cause my dad used to slouch.

- [laughs]

My dad was a drunk who slept around a lot.

Maybe that's why I'm attracted to you.

- Wow.

It's hot.

- Yeah, it is.

- No, I mean, it's really hot.

I'm burning up!

- It's actually degrees hotter there

than anywhere else on my body.

- Whoa.

You know, it's like a hot water bottle

right in your back.

- Listen, I'm not totally comfortable

with your objectification of my hump.

Makes me feel like a-- like a piece of meat.

- In a bad way?

- Yeah.

- Okay, guy, I'll tell you the truth.

The reason I brought you home

is 'cause I heard that hunchbacks are really hung.

- Well, that I can handle.

- Okay.

Let's go to bed.

No, right here. This is it.

- Oh. - Come on.

[upbeat music]

♪

- I've never loved like this before.

- I couldn't imagine life without you.

- I thought about you all day at work today.

- I know. - I was going crazy.

I wanted to call.

- If I didn't know you...

- I feel so good around you. - I'd have to invent you.

- I feel so good around you. - I'm amazed by you.

I find you amazing.

- Okay.

Would you still love me if I got fat, ugly, and old?

- Do you mean if we, like,

both got fat, ugly, and old over time?

- Nope, I mean if tomorrow I suddenly got fat,

ugly, and old, would you still love me?

Mm?

- Yeah, I think I'd like that.

- Would you still love me if I was a man?

- Would you still have a vag*na?

- Oh...

sure.

- Well, I might drink more,

but I'd still love you.

- Oh, good.

- Why?

Do you think there's any circumstances under which

you wouldn't love me for all time, forever?

- [sighs]

Well, I'd have to assume that there would be circumstances

under which I wouldn't love you--I'm kidding!

- Don't do that! - I'm just kidding.

- Don't do that. - You gullible monkey, you.

[relaxed rock music]

♪

- Hi, hon'.

- I'm going straight to the bathroom.

[beeping]

- So how was your day?

- Excellent.

Listen, I have to contain my focus for my training.

- Oh, but what about dinner?

- I'm behind.

I'll have to take dinner under.

- All right.

- Listen, I don't think you take my training very seriously.

I don't.

[raspy breathing]

[gulps]

Mmm.

It's delicious, dear.

What?

- How long are you doing?

- Five one-hour repeats

with four-minute rests in between.

- Oh.

That sounds hard.

- It is.

Do you want to watch?

- No, not really.

- Maybe Sunday, when I do my long soak.

- Maybe.

[machine rasping]

- Have you heard of this new stainless-steel bathtub

from Germany that has almost no skin-to-tub resistance?

- No.

- Costs $,.

- Oh.

So you got big plans for the weekend?

- Yes. I have a competition.

- What?

- A soaking competition.

- Oh, that laying around in the tub thing.

Yeah.

- Yes.

- He's been in there for minutes.

What's he doing?

[dramatic music]

♪

- Would you just give me some space, please?

- All right, dear.

- Jacket.

Come on.

Thank you. Thank you.

[whistle blasts]

- Soakers, take your marks!

Soakers, at your ready.

Soakers...

submerge!

[applause]

[whistle blasts]

Tub two's out!

- My breathing was all wrong.

I was too fast.

I was too early.

My entry was soft.

I blew it.

I blew it.

- Well...

- Maybe I'm just in a training slump.

- Oh, you've been in slumps before--lots of them.

Like you always tell me,

you're getting better every day in every way.

- But I've plateaued.

You know, I think it's time

that I stop dividing my attentions

and do the right thing.

- Oh, sweetie.

[phone ringing]

- [short, gasping breaths]

[rock music]

♪

♪♪

♪♪