05x11 - Episode 11

[bunniefuu]

[bouncy music]

*

- How are you today, sir?

- Not so good.

And it's because I'm a test tube baby.

- Oh, yeah?

- Couldn't tell from looking at me, could you?

- No. - No.

No, it's odd.

I mean, here I am, a freak, and nobody knows it.

And I am a freak.

I mean, how could I not be?

My life started out in a test tube.

It's funny.

Well, it's more sad, really.

But every day, I talk to people like you,

and I just never feel like I fit in.

I mean, who do I look up to?

Who does a test tube baby look up to?

I mean, famous test tube babies?

I mean, try to name one.

See? You can't.

That's because there are no famous test tube babies.

Except for Louise Brown.

But she doesn't really count,

because she's only famous for being the first test tube baby.

So when people like yourself ask me, "How are you today?"

I have to honestly reply, "Not very good."

My life is [bleep] because I'm a test tube baby.

You know, I wasn't looking for pity, you know.

I wasn't even expecting sympathy.

But when I told people I was a test tube baby,

nobody laughed at me.

No, not like you.

Not like you, you son of a bitch.

All you ever did was laugh, make jokes,

and order me around.

"Hey, test tube baby, get me a grilled cheese sandwich.

"Hey there. Hey there, little test tube baby.

You missing your petri dish?"

Oh, that was very funny.

You were a very funny man.

Now you're nothing.

You're an ornament.

You know I'm still cashing your UI checks.

[laid-back rock music]

*

- Hi.

- Can I help you?

- I sure hope so. [laughs nervously]

- Can I help you?

- Yes.

Believe it or not,

this is a shirt, a skirt, and a scarf.

I was watching a sad show on "A Current Affair."

I went into a tizzy

and accidentally put it in the freezer.

- Friday.

- Can I have it right away, please?

- Friday.

- I understand, but may I have it in an hour, please?

- Friday.

- But the sign says one-hour dry cleaning.

- It's an old sign.

- Are you sure there's nothing I can do

to get you to do this for me?

- Well, there is one thing I think you can do.

[laughing suggestively]

- What?

- Eh? [laughs]

- I don't know. I--I--

I don't know.

[sultry music]

*

- [coughing]

Come on.

It will be more private back here.

*

[steam hissing]

- You didn't!

- I did!

- Oh, my God.

I can't believe that you slept with your dry cleaner

just so he would do your stuff quicker!

[laughter]

- Oh, come on.

Grow up.

I mean, we've all had sex for bad reasons.

- Yeah, but...

- I once had sex with an ugly guy.

- Oh, yeah.

I've done that.

- I once had sex with a boring guy.

- Yeah, I've done that.

- Remember, Cath, you said you once did it

for a roll of toilet paper.

- Yeah. Oh, that was in college.

- Ever done it with a guy just so he'd leave your house?

all: Yeah.

[laughter]

- You know, one time, one winter, my pipes froze

and I did it with all these guys just for the hot showers.

- Oh! - Really?

- I had a friend who had sex just to get married.

- Oh! - What a loser.

- Thank you very much.

Your sharing and caring has made me feel better.

- But, Kath, tell me, how was the--

- Oh, yeah! - You know.

- The dry cleaning?

all: No!

- No, the food substitute.

The sex! - Yeah, yeah.

- Kathie.

- Well, actually it was quite romantic.

- Really? - I knew it. I knew it.

[sultry music]

*

- To a great five minutes

of physical beauty

and to a mutually enjoyable

business arrangement.

*

- [giggles]

The bubbles made my nose tickle.

- Your little nose, huh?

- I have to go.

Thank you.

- Farewell, my little size nine.

all: Wow.

- Sounds fantastic.

- I don't know. I still feel cheap about it.

- Oh, come on, Kathie.

One-night stands are perfectly okay,

as long as you don't do it more than once a week

or on International Women's Day.

- Though I can't help but noticing, Kathie,

that lately your clothes have been quite fresh and clean.

Are you still seeing him?

both: Kathie?

- Yes!

- Oh, my God.

- I don't believe it.

- And to tell a secret,

each time we get together and, you know...

- Hump? - Pump?

- Make love? - Yes.

Each time we make love,

he has me wear a different piece of clothing that's in his shop.

- Oh?

- Like, the first time, I wore a really sexy negligee

that wasn't gonna be picked up till :!

And last night, he asked me to wear something special.

- What? What? - What was it?

- Hi.

- Hi.

You know, Kathie... - Yes?

- I think it's time that you tried this on.

- [gasps] Oh, my God!

- [humming "Wedding March"]

- I don't know! I don't know!

I don't know!

- So what did you say, Kathie?

- No.

- Really? I would have married him.

- Oh, he didn't want me to marry him.

He just wanted me to have sex

in his dead wife's wedding dress.

all: Oh.

- Oh, uh, I've done that.

all: What?

- Did I say something?

- Oh, come on. - I'm sorry.

Coffee break's over.

[upbeat rock music]

*

- No, no.

- Oh, what was that all about, Joc?

- He was so sweet.

It was his first time, so I did not charge.

- That's sweet, Joc.

- Really? I did him last night.

- What? - Yeah.

- And I gave him cab fare.

- I'll k*ll him!

- Hey, you! Get back here!

[upbeat rock music]

*

both: * Ho, le-oh, un-doh, un-day

* Ho, le-oh, un-day-oh

* Ho, le-oh, un-doh, un-day

* Splitting up a Triscuit

- Wow, our hunger sure hasn't hurt your creativity.

- I'll say.

all: Mmm.

- I hate to be a downer, guys, but I'm still hungry.

- What are you talking about? We just split a Triscuit.

- Hey, we may have just eaten a Triscuit

that we found in the dumpster,

but at least we have our dignity.

- Hey, did anybody check underneath the fridge?

- No!

[grunting]

- Anything? - No, nothing.

Wait, got something.

- Is it food?

- I don't know.

- Well?

- It's not food.

- Aw.

Man, maybe we should just, like,

join the establishment and get good jobs.

- Establishment won't give us jobs, man.

- Why not?

'Cause we lack ambition and tend to sleep in?

- No.

It's 'cause we have dignity.

Establishment don't hire people with dignity, man.

- Right.

- Hey, guys, over here.

- You find food?

- Just maybe.

There's a food-like coating covering the television set.

- Let's see.

- Hey, turn on the TV.

Warm up the food.

- Right.

- That's right, an all-you-can-eat steak dinner...

all: Oh!

- Mmm.

- Wow, I sure hope that scum tastes like that steak.

- Well, is it food?

- It's not food.

- Oh, man!

- Guys, we may not have money, jobs,

food in our bellies,

or pretty fillings in our teeth,

but at least we have our dignity.

- Steak with dignity would be good, though.

- Hey, don't get ahead of yourself there.

- Hey, I know. Let's boil the broom!

Let's boil the broom!

Let's boil the broom again!

- No, we've got to keep this place clean.

- And our dignity.

- I don't care about our dignity.

I don't care about keeping this place clean.

Let's boil the broom again!

- [giggling]

- What's so funny?

both: Food!

- Hey, you've been holding out on us!

- I was saving it for a time just like this this!

[laughter]

- I'm so excited, I can hardly eat.

- Guys, there's plenty enough for everyone.

- I love this.

all: Mmm.

- That hits the spot.

- I am full.

- I'm stuffed.

- I'm still hungry.

- I'm starving. - I'm starved.

- Guys, we may have just eaten a carrot

that's been in his mouth for who knows how long...

- And we're not really captains of industry...

- Yeah, and we may, on occasion,

sell our blood to buy day-old doughnuts...

- But we still have our dignity.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

And our education.

both: Food!

- I knew they'd be good for something.

- Let's boil 'em. Let's boil 'em.

- You don't boil BAs.

You bake 'em. - Right!

both: * Ho, le-oh, un-doh, un-day

* Ho, le-oh, un-day-oh

* Ho, le-oh, un-doh, un-day

* Eating up our BAs

[slow rock music]

*

- Let sleeping dogs lie.

I say no!

And you know what sleeping dogs I'm referring to, don't you?

No? Well, let me refresh your memory.

Russians!

That's right, Russians, Russkies,

Communists,

Comm-u-nists.

Oh, now you remember.

Well, do you also remember how, a few years ago,

all we ever talked about was

how the Russians were gonna take over the world

and how every household would be run by Communists

and their filthy Communism?

Oh, yeah, we feared the Russians back in them days

and for good reason too.

But now all I ever hear is, "Poor little Russia.

"They've got no money.

"Poor little Russia.

They've gone broke."

"Poor little Russia" this

and "poor little Russia" that.

Don't you get it?

Am I the only one that gets it?

It's a trick.

Communism never dies.

Communism is a cancer, a cancer sleeping,

awaiting the moment to devour our freedom,

to devour democracy.

Oh, I know what you're thinking.

You're thinking this guy's just some

right-wing paranoid reactionary

who had a horrible upbringing

and whose father b*at him every day with a Bible.

Well, maybe that's true, but it never did me any harm.

All I'm saying is, a few years ago,

people used to listen to me.

I fit in.

Well, listen to me now.

The Russians,

they're gonna try to take over the world again.

Don't you forget that for one second, friend,

or else you'll find yourself

lining up for toilet paper in some godless world.

There's one more thing I'd like to say.

k*ller bees.

Forgot about them, didn't you?

Well, that's just what they want us to do.

That's right.

The Russian Communists, the k*ller bees,

they're like this!

So when people say to me, "Let sleeping dogs lie,"

I say to them, "Friend,

"sleeping dogs, they eventually wake up

and chew out the throat of democracy."

Don't you think I don't know what you're up to, Russia.

Don't think I'm unaware

of the fact that Kevin McDonald--

or should I say Ivan Chovsky-- is one of you.

- He's crazy!

- Crazy like a fanatic-- fox, I mean!

Down, Red.

One man, one vote. - [screams]

Multiparty representative democracy!

- Okay, I'm gonna go now, Rudy, honey, okay?

Now, be good and don't stay out too late,

'cause you don't want to be late for work tomorrow.

You know how they depend on you at the stock exchange.

Okay?

I love you.

I'll give your best to the kids.

Bye, Mrs. Crudd.

- See, Mom? I told you I was married.

Why do I have to prove everything to you?

- Okay.

But tomorrow, can we go see that college you graduated from, hmm?

- Yeah, sure.

I've just got to make some calls right now.

- That's my boy.

[exotic music]

*

- [sobbing]

[blues guitar riff]

- What happened to us?

You know, I really thought that she was the one.

- Look, you met her in March.

You hadn't done your taxes.

She's an accountant, and you fell in love.

So she did your taxes.

- Yeah, but where did our love go?

- Well, think about it.

When you got your rebate check, you broke up.

- Yeah, she started acting weird.

Our communication wasn't working.

I mean, she was still a great accountant.

But, you know--

- Yeah, right. She's the problem.

- What are you saying?

- You should really think about seeing a shrink.

You've got a real problem with relationships.

- Bad luck. - Problem.

- No, bad luck. - Problem.

- Hey, quit playing head games, man.

Some friend you are.

I asked you over here to help me out

'cause I'm feeling down,

and you just want to play head games?

I'm emotional, all right?

[sobbing]

Hey! Oh, no.

[sobbing]

[drill whirring]

How's it going up there, honey?

- Great!

I just about got the sink pipes caulked in.

Oh, yeah. Oh.

You know, you can't go wrong with copper, eh?

- Really? - No.

- I wonder.

- What?

What you wondering over there, baby?

- Nothing, I just always wanted

a bigger bathtub in that room, you know?

- Yeah? - Yeah.

- I'll put one in this weekend for you.

- What? Isn't that expensive?

- God, hell no.

I know a wholesaler who's close to going tits up, eh?

I can get you a Whirlpool unit for half price.

- Hey, come here.

- Sure.

What is it, lover?

- You're real.

This is real.

- So you threw her out.

- I did it for her.

She was too good for me.

I mean, you know me, man. I'm real complicated.

And she was just a nice, honest girl,

real sweet--

and a great plumber.

I don't know. I mean, my work needed attention.

Things got all--

I mean, why can't love work for me?

I think. I feel.

Huh?

You know, I've--

I think I missed a really good thing when I let Martha go.

I've thought about it a lot lately.

I was thinking of giving her a call.

- Why, you hungry?

[classical music playing]

- Martha, this is delicious.

*

- You really hurt me, you know.

- I know.

But I've changed.

I'm even thinking of seeing a shrink.

- Really?

- Is that dessert?

- Profiteroles.

- Profiteroles.

You remembered these are my favorite.

You know me.

You really know me.

Why am I so scared to be known? Hmm?

[belches]

Martha, what are we doing?

- Well, you remember you said

you were never gonna hurt me again?

- I know. I know.

But, I mean, what is this?

What is this?

- You prick.

- Martha, I'm just telling you how I feel.

- You--you prick.

- Well, I can use those words too, you know, Martha.

Martha, no, come on.

Look, it's not your fault.

I mean, you're a really great cook, but this isn't about--

[sobbing]

[phone rings]

- Hello.

- [sobbing]

- Screw you.

You only call me when you break up with someone.

You're on your own.

- [sobbing]

So what you're saying is that my problem with relationships--

I mean, if I indeed have a problem--

might have something to do with my mother's jobs?

- I think that might be worth looking into.

- Huh.

You know, from, uh--

from your voice, I was expecting you to be ugly,

but really you're not.

[blues guitar riff]

[laid-back rock music]

**

**