05x12 - Episode 12

[bunniefuu]

- What did you say, Evans?

- I said, you scuzzy piece of filth,

I know what you did, and I'm going to

k*ll you for it, you scuzzy piece of filth.

- Oh, I'd like to see you try, Evans.

- You're going to see me try,

and you're going to see me succeed.

You are a dead man.

I am going to k*ll you,

you scuzzy piece of filth. You are dead.

[phone slamming]

[phone ringing]

- Hello?

Hello?

Evans, is that you?

- Yeah.

- [sighs]

Did you mean to call another number,

but then by mistake

you called this number again?

- Yeah.

- I do that all the time.

It's funny, eh?

- A bit.

- Well, bye-bye.

- Bye-bye.

[phone hanging up]

[laid-back rock music]

*

- Nichole says that she saw her best friend

and her boyfriend sneaking around together.

And she's about to tell them both

what she saw.

[applause, cheering]

[door clicks open]

- Hi, Christine.

- Oh, hi, Raj.

Are you home for lunch?

- No. I'm home for good.

- What? What time is it?

- It's :.

- Oh my god, Raj, my life's a disaster.

I got up, like, seconds ago.

- Christine, you slept the whole day?

- Yes. Again.

Thanks for waking me up, Raj.

- Well, I tried, Christine,

But, you know, you punched me

in your sleep.

- I did? - Yeah.

- Oh my God, I've been so out of it lately.

- Yeah!

I've noticed that you're out of it.

Are you sure you're okay?

- No.

Raj, I think someone has stolen my body

and replaced it with a forgery.

- Yeah?

- You know the other day? - Yeah.

- It's like, I tried to put in my contact lenses.

- Yeah? - But they didn't fit.

- [gasping] - Raj, call the doctor.

I think it's cancer. - Oh!

No, Christine!

- Well, it's either that, or these

stupid pills I found in your drug cabinet.

- Christine. - What?

- You finished my Xanax.

- Raj, I did you a favor.

This things will turn you into a zombie.

- Oh, Christine.

Did you call about getting a new apartment today?

- Oh, yeah, I called this one place.

Raj, it was so totally freaky.

- The guy was Polish or something.

He couldn't understand a word I was saying.

He hated me.

I took it as an omen. I hung up.

- So, um... I guess you'll be

looking tomorrow?

- Yeah, if I ever managed to buy

a newspaper and not lose it.

- Christine, what's that smell?

- Oh that? Oh, I'm cooking.

- Yeah? Duck a l'Orange, do you like?

- Well, it's a little bit close.

- Yeah, that bad smell is

probably the wine I used.

- Wine?

I thought you didn't go out all day?

- I didn't, I found it in the back

of your cupboard. - Christine!

You took that bottle of wine?

I was saving that!

That cost over dollars.

- Relax, Raj, there's at least

$ worth left, okay?

What? What is it?

- You know...

Since you moved in here temporarily,

you've been using a lot of my things.

- Raj, need I remind you

that this rice pudding,

which you enjoyed so much last night,

I shoplifted that for you, okay?

It's not like I don't contribute.

- [sighing] Yeah, okay, I'm sorry.

It's just, you know-- I had a bad day,

that's all.

- Well this'll cheer you up--that guy

called for you. - Who? What guy?

What guy? What guy?

- Drulo, Trugio... - Sergio?

That gorgeous guy from la pantera rosa?

- Yeah, here's his number. - Yeah?

- Christine, there's only four numbers here.

- What? - Yeah.

- Oh my God, I forgot

the other three numbers.

Raj, I'm telling you, it's these pills.

- Christine, I can't stand it.

You are ruining my life.

- What? - Yeah.

- Raj, I'm getting sick

of this abuse, all right?

Who gives a crap about some stupid guy?

I mean, frankly, you're not fit

to be with anyone right now, anyway.

And might I add, you're becoming

a terrible temporary roommate.

- Roommate, Christine? - Yes.

- Roommate? We aren't roommates, Christine.

If you remember it, you just showed up here one day

with all those boxes, a truckload of boxes,

everywhere there's boxes,

everything is boxes, Christine.

There's always dental floss in the toilet.

Your showers take three to four hours minimum,

so I have to pee in the kitchen sink.

And yesterday, Christine,

you used all of my Monetecatini facial mud.

That comes all the way from Tuscany, Christine!

That's a long way! I am never going to Tuscany!

- Fine, Raj, I'll go. - Yeah, fine!

- I'll just go. - Yeah! Go!

- And if any of my friends

want to know where I am, I'm at a battered

women's shelter, okay?

- Yeah?

Don't go!

[door slams]

- Is there an apology forthcoming?

- Christine, it just seems to me...

sometimes, you know,

that you just walk all over me.

- Raj, I'm doing the best I can, okay?

- Okay.

- I mean, I try to keep this apartment...clean.

- Yeah.

- But, you know, it's not easy for me.

I came from a dysfunctional household.

We had a maid. - Yeah.

So I cook you dinner and I paid

your rent, all right?

- You paid my rent?

- Yeah. - Why?

- 'Cause I felt like it.

- Where'd you get the money?

- Daddy. - Oh, girl.

- Oh, Christine, thanks for

putting up with me.

- It's only because I value our friendship, Raj.

You might do the same, sometime.

- I'm sorry.

- Apology accepted. - Okay.

- Oh, there's one other thing.

- What?

- Your canary flew out the window this afternoon.

- Tweedles?

- Raj, don't freak. I'm sure he'll be back.

It's freezing outside.

- Where's my net?

- I don't know. - Where's the net?

- Test... Check.

Check, check, check.

all: Check.

- Hey, I practiced doing this too.

Check! Testing.

- I'm ready.

[banging drumsticks] - One, two, three, four!

[soft rock music] - * Cameraman

both: * Whole world's watching

* The cameraman - Hold it!

Hold it!

[music stops]

Check. - Testing.

all: Check, check...

- Quiet, guys, please.

- Please?

Puh...puh...

- Nice day.

- Yup.

- My hands.

- Pardon me?

My hands.

- What about your hands?

- My hands...

They move and they shine.

- Yeah, they-- they do a good job.

- Thanks.

My hands wave good-bye.

They also wave hello.

- My hands do that too.

- I bet they do.

But right now, my hands

have some shining to do.

- Good, I'm kind of on a

tight schedule here.

- My hands say, "that's okay."

They know you have to go.

My hands... Move like a squid.

You could almost see the squid.

- That's great.

Hey! Why don't we get back

to that shoe shining motion?

- Check this one out.

What do you think this is?

- I don't know.

- Wheat.

Wheat in a field.

And now, a claw.

[laughs]

My hands can almost point.

They point, "Hey, you!

"Stop!

Put down that g*n, or I'll sh**t!"

[applauding] Well done, hands.

Well done, they applauded themselves.

I'm not stoned.

I'm just noticing things.

Noticing things about my hands,

as if for the first time.

- Oh, yeah.

- My penis. - What?

- My penis! - Uh-oh.

- My hands...my penis...

- I got to go.

- Pay me. I'm not paying you, you freak.

- Pay my hands.

My hands will miss you.

- Freak!

- My hands are sad.

[rock music]

*

[door rattling]

[squeaking, rattling]

[chattering]

- Monkeys are loose.

[monkey squawking]

Full of beans, sounds like to me.

I let them loose.

I mean, out of their cages.

But I keep them in there.

Locked up in that room.

If I was ever to let them monkeys out of the house,

they'd be running this town inside a week.

- Everything he says is true.

[door locking]

- Monkeys are in here.

Think I'll let them out.

[door opening, monkeys chattering]

[door slamming]

[laughing] I'm just kidding.

I wouldn't wish these monkeys

on my worst enemy.

These aren't cute monkeys.

No.

These are like them damn monkeys in, uh...

"The Wizard from Oz."

Only they ain't got no wings

and they smells bad.

[sighing]

[animal noises]

These are vicious,

mean-spirited monkeys.

- Saw a couple of them

get a hold of a dog once.

[chuckling]

Oh, boy.

- If I don't get a pizza here in ten minutes,

I'm letting the monkeys loose!

[phone slams]

Worked for years over at the

furniture department at the Eden's.

[groaning]

Can't tell me everyone in this town

didn't look down on me.

Worked for commission.

Lucky if I made bucks a month.

Now I run the whole damn furniture department.

And...I live in Bobby Orr's house.

[chuckling]

- Here you are, Mr. Lewis.

And I just want to say how much

my wife and I appreciate

you not letting them monkeys out.

- Oh, I figure I got to let them out sometime.

Tomorrow.

[laughing]

People think I got the power.

'Cause I got the monkeys.

Nope.

I got the power...

'Cause I'll let the monkeys loose.

They don't understand.

- If he says he'll let the monkeys loose...

He will let the monkeys loose.

- They g*dd*mn don't understand that,

they g*dd*mn don't understand me.

That's okay.

That's all right, see.

'Cause people...

They understands monkeys.

[door rattling] [animals screeching]

[rock music]

*

- Oh, so you're going to leave me

for this new guy, James?

You're not going to leave me.

You're not going to leave-- Oh, you might leave,

But you'll be back.

You know why? He's not sexy.

I'm sexy, you like sexy, he's not sexy, I'm sexy.

Yes, I am. Yes, I am.

Yes, I am. Yes, I am.

Oh, maybe not to Mr. Joe Average.

But to the educated connoisseur of sexy,

I'm hot.

I'm very hot.

Oh, maybe not to the person

whose favorite group is The Beatles.

But, if you own every Meatloaf album there is,

then I'm your little sexy "Bat out of Hell."

Hey, I'm not right for the gal

who likes vanilla ice cream, no.

I'm right for the chick who digs pink bubble gum!

Oh, if your favorite Dustin Hoffman movie

is "Rain Man,"

I'll go through you like diarrhea.

But if you love "Ishtar,"

then I'm your constipated sex star.

Are you following my flow?

Do you get my drift?

Is you up to speed?

Let me put it this way:

Do you know what I am, baby?

Gorgonzola cheese!

Lovely and smoldering gorgonzola cheese

And like gorgonzola cheese, I am an acquired taste--

I will grow on you!

I will grow on you like moss grows on a roof.

I will grow on you like eczema grows between your toes.

Yes, I am all of that and more!

You just say the word, baby,

and I'll be all over you like the hair on my back.

- Good-bye.

- I think spending the rest of your life alone is sexy.

Don't you?

[drumsticks banging] - One, two, three, four!

[all singing] * Cameraman

* You know he's watching

* The cameraman

* Whole world's watching you

- * Zoom, zoom, zoom

- * Cameraman

* The whole world's watching

* The cameraman

* You know he's watching

* The cameraman

* The whole world's watching you... *

- * Ah, he's the cameraman

* The whole world's watching the-- *

Morning, honey. Cameraman...

- Jeez, Danny.

You smell great.

- Huh? - What're you wearing?

- Nothing.

Haven't even started my morning ablutions yet.

- Ablutions?

Are you still learning a word a day?

- Affirmative.

Whoops. Getting ahead of myself.

- Well, then, it must be your deodorant.

- No, it's impossible.

Haven't put anything on yet.

- I like. - Oh.

Yeah?

[sniffs]

You lose.

[deodorant thudding]

[phones ringing]

[indistinct chatter]

[knocking] Sir...

You, uh, wanted to see me.

- Yeah, yeah. Have a seat there.

Uh, Danny, I wanted to talk to you about--

Good God, Husk, look at your pits!

- You don't like? - No, I don't like, Dan.

I do not like at all.

This is exactly what I

wanted to talk to you about, Dan.

Lately, your appearance has just been

slovenly, Dan, and-- and your attitude

has been crummy, and your whole

performance has just been sub...sub--

Sub...tastic, Dan.

Absolutely sub-tastic, if you don't mine me saying so.

In fact, Dan, I'd like to

give you a promotion.

- Oh! Well, thank you, sir.

I don't know what to say.

- Oh, don't say anything!

Don't say a thing, just--Dan if...

If you wouldn't mind coming around the desk

and letting me have a good, healthy

whiff of them pits.

- Well, you're the boss.

[sniffing]

[upbeat music] - Morning, Danny.

- Good morning.

Hey...what the--?

Good morning, everybody.

all: Good morning, Danny!

* Just me and you

* We're on top

- Good morning. - Hey.

- Danny!

Get in here.

Please.

* We're on top

- Okay.

- [moaning]

[high-pitched moaning]

[hinge squeaking]

- Dan, I had the doors removed.

There are too many walls between people, anyway.

- Well if, uh, if you say so, sir.

- Now, Dan, before we get started...

My morning hug!

- Okay, yeah. Here you go.

[sniffing]

[sighing heavily]

- Who needs coffee?

Now, Dan, as I'm sure you're aware,

here at AT&Love, we're starting up

a cosmetics division, and I believe

there's a goldmine in them there pits.

- I don't understand, sir.

- You will, Dan.

Just shut up and start sweating.

[Latin rhythm music]

*

[liquid spraying]

[cameras flashing]

- I spilled "Husk Musk" on my science project,

and got an A.

[speaks indistinctly]

- I used "Husk Musk" because I love

the way it made me feel.

[sniffing] Mmm.

But then a week after using it,

I noticed that the tumor behind my ear had disappeared.

"Husk Musk" saved my life.

[cameras flashing]

- Ladies and gentlemen of the press,

"Husk Musk" has given me, personally,

a new outlook on life.

This is a picture of me before.

Nothing to be ashamed of, but...

Look at me now!

[cameras flashing]

[Latin rhythm music]

*

[cameras flashing]

[treadmill whirring]

- All right, everybody out!

I need to talk to Danny alone.

- What is it, sir?

- Danny... - Uh-huh?

- We've got a problem.

- sh**t.

- Dan, you know when we came up with this

"Husk Musk" idea, I just...

I just thought it would be a goldmine, you know?

And, granted...

It has made us the number one

multinational corporation in the world.

- Number one!

- Yes, Dan.

But it's also made us the...

The only multi-national corporation in the world.

- I don't understand, sir.

- Dan, you see...

Every other business is, well...

Out of business, and that's not good business.

People aren't even bothering to

go to work anymore, Dan, they're just--

they're just sitting at home and smelling your smell.

But utopia isn't profitable, Dan.

- No?

- No, Dan.

- The Japanese are asking...

that you do the honorable thing.

- Get drunk in a karaoke bar

and sing "Rock Around the Clock"?

- Gosh, no, Dan.

No...You've got to stop sweating.

- Stop sweating?

How, sir?

- [sobbing] [doors click open]

[metal clanking]

- We're gonna have to seal up your pits, Dan!

- Okay.

You know, I haven't understood a word

you've said, but you're the boss,

so okey-dokey, pokey.

- One more for the road, eh?

- Okay.

[sniffing]

- I can't do it, you do it!

I can't be here for this!

[crying]

[rock music]

*