05x13 - Episode 13

[bunniefuu]

- And how are you this morning, my fine fellow shirt?

You look well.

I have good news, sir!

You are the shirt I choose to represent me today.

Serve me well, sir, but do not fear,

for if I did not have every confidence in the world in you,

you never would have gotten the job.

Hey, pajamas! The kid's a little nervous.

[singing]

What, what's that?

But I beseech you, good Sir Underwear!

Do not quit!

We have gone through too much together

for you to leave me now.

What about a deal, sir?

You stay with me until I find a replacement,

and when I do, if you still want to leave,

I shall retire you with honors!

That's a promise, sir!

What's that, socks?

Oh, you socks are always joking.

You make me laugh so.

You look at life through such bizarre eyes.

Where do you get your ideas?

I can't imagine life without you.

Stop it, socks! You're k*lling me.

[singing]

What?

You are out of order, sir,

and therefore you'll get only silence from me!

I mean it, pants.

Not a word till I get an apology.

Don't sulk. You only demean yourself.

Morning, coat.

Did you sleep well? Thank you, good sir.

Scarf, no more of those nasty nightmares, I hope.

Everyone, I'd like you to meet someone new.

This is hat.

Hat, this is scarf, coat, shirt, underwear,

socks, and shoes.

Welcome aboard, hat.

All right, g*ng, off to work.

Nope, I can't hear you, pants. Nope.

Not a word till I get an apology. No, siree!

Look, we have a -minute bus ride ahead of us,

plenty of time for you to think about it.

[laid-back rock music]

*

[cheers and applause]

- It's a big step.

- I could lose the ring.

- No, good buddy. I'm a big man.

I've got to take the big step.

- Or I could lose the ring.

- Nope. Today I leap.

Hey, baby! You look great, hi!

- Ah, jeez, you're not supposed

to see me yet, you gearbox!

- Oops. Sorry, baby.

- Sure you don't want me to swallow it?

- No, for I have pledged a band of gold.

- Excuse me. - Hey, what's your problem?

Haven't you seen a guy in a tux before?

You want your face kicked in?

- Hey! Hey, hey, hey, hey!

Come on, now. You know the rules.

No fighting, and no ---- tossing!

It's my day!

- Sorry, Charise.

---- tossing?

You think my family's small?

You think we all weigh pounds?

- God, no, baby.

They're practically giants, like you.

["Wedding March" plays]

- It's showtime.

*

- Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to--

there's no smoking.

- Why not? It's my day, you frig.

- Baby.

- We're gathered here today to join these two people,

Sue...

[men cheering]

And Charice--

[women cheering]

In holy wedlock.

Is there anyone here today

that has reason these two should not be wed?

- Yeah! I have a reason.

[people gasp]

- What is it?

- She's not a virgin!

- Well, what do you think, stupid?

We have a baby.

- So you readily admit you're not going to be a virgin flower

on our wedding night?

- I told you, precious,

how I gave away that gift at a kegger in Grade .

Come on!

- Oh, I remember now, okay.

But how do I know that baby's even mine?

- Well, it's got your hamster hands.

- It weighed ounces at birth,

and it had to live in an incubator for four months!

- My baby! - Yeah.

My namesake! - You know it!

I'm sorry, baby! - You know it!

- Okay, does anybody else have a reason

these two should not be wed?

- I do. You're drunk!

- Oops.

- Baby, I had five or six sh**t to settle my nerves.

- I have a reason.

I'm a tax consultant,

and financially it'll cost you two about $ a year

off your taxable income.

- Well, nobody ever talks about that.

- Anybody else? - Yeah!

The seas have all dried up.

A man can't make a living fishing anymore.

- Uncle Kelly's right.

- Anybody else?

- Well, I do.

Well, there is that really long list

of guys you said you'd rather marry.

Alphabetically, Antonio,

Anastasio, all those guys from Double A Towing--

- Oh, you had to do it, didn't you?

- Well, the man asked-- - Hold it!

Let's see if I can't put this another way.

Is there anyone here who has a reason

that these two should be married?

[crowd murmuring]

Oh, well.

- Wait, I've got a reason.

'Cause it was meant to be.

Cupid hit us bad.

crowd: Aw!

- Oh, my little unwed flower.

- Yeah.

Come on. Let's give our baby a name.

- I will. I'm just having trouble thinking one up.

Let's get married first.

[applause]

- Okay.

Blah blah blah, I now pronounce you man and wife--

- Double A Towing?

I just heard it, Double A Towing?

That's where Stan works, right?

- Come on, baby.

I told you that time that we just drove and towed!

- I want a divorce. - What?

- Swallow the ring.

- Geronimo!

[slurping]

- Does anybody have a reason

these two should not be divorced?

all: No.

- Then I now pronounce you not man and wife.

- Oh, God, it happened, and it's over.

I knew something was going to go wrong.

It just always does.

- It's better this way.

- Oh, baby.

You know I love it when you cry.

- And you know I love it when you love.

crowd: Aw!

- Let's get married.

- My god, can you believe he's asking me?

I don't know what to say.

- Well, you are in a wedding dress.

- I know, but I'm a divorced woman now.

I'm used goods!

- Well, statistically, second marriages

work a lot better than first marriages.

- Did you hear him, baby?

It was meant to be.

Let's give her.

- Give her?

God, you're so romantic.

- Okay, I now pronounce you man and wife again.

- I'll get you the ring later.

- You may-- and it's your choice--

kiss the bride.

*

- Hey, baby. It's an att*ck.

Hide the baby.

- It's just rice, stupid.

Okay, girls. Come on.

Everyone together.

- Come on.

- What? No one wants my bouquet?

Somebody better pick it up.

Somebody better pick up that bouquet.

[laid-back music]

*

- Excuse me, miss?

Hi, I'm a film producer.

We're, uh--we are--I am.

We're making a film in town next month,

and we're casting, uh, complete unknowns.

I think you might be right for one of the leads.

Uh, would you like to be a movie star?

- Really? You--really?

- [laughs] No, I'm from Undercover Video.

That's our camera right down there.

Why don't you wave and say hello?

Thanks for being a good sport, huh?

- Look, don't screw with people's dreams.

Do you hear me?

- Jocelyn. You shouldn't have done that.

You didn't even find out what time it was on.

- Oh, yes.

Hey, what--what time will it be on TV?

- Is it cable? - What channel?

[upbeat music]

*

- You're right; the phone doesn't work.

- I told you.

- Listen, I just saw the grossest thing in my life.

- What?

- I was coming up in the elevator--

- Uh-huh. - And there was a guy there.

He was a pretty normal guy. - Uh-huh.

- But he bent over to pick up his briefcase--

- Yeah? - And his pants shifted.

And I caught a glimpse of his leg.

- Ew, gross!

- And it was white.

- Oh, that's so gross.

- Yeah, I saw it. Well, I darn near puked.

- Oh.

- A white leg? - Yeah.

- Please stop it.

- Last night I'm watching TV,

and they have the gall to show that really gross commercial.

- Don't tell me, the one

where the woman cleans the table with wax?

- I thought I was gonna puke.

- If I had seen that ad, I would have puked.

- Oh, they cleaned the table with wax?

They didn't! - They did.

- Can we please stop it?

- Yeah.

- Hey, I'm going to order some headcheese.

- Okay. - Go ahead.

- Headcheese. You know, cow brains?

Would you guys like some? - No.

- No, thanks. I ate on the bus. - What?

Public transit almost makes me puke.

- Oh, now you're going to make me puke.

Tokens and transfers?

Just the thought, okay, please?

- Oh!

Oh, you wouldn't believe

what happened to me today on my way to work.

I passed someone's old furniture actually sitting on the street.

- Oh, don't tell me.

Not their couch that they, like, sat on and stuff?

Oh, if I had seen that,

I would have bent over and puked.

- Listen, I'm going to go lick the belly of a dead bloated rat

that's floating in sour milk.

- Okay. - Okay, fine.

We'll see you later. - That's fine.

- I was in high school--

- Stop. I'm going to hurl.

- No, there's even more.

I was in high school,

and I found out that my teacher's first name...

was Mel.

[both retching]

Well, when I found that out, I darn near puked.

And the fact that I darn near puked

made this other guy puke.

- And when you saw his puke, you darn near puked.

- No.

- Well, did you see it, the puke?

- Yeah.

- Gee, I wonder what it would taste like.

- Huh. Jeez.

- Semi-digested food, I guess.

- I mean, yeah, probably.

I mean, that's what it smells like.

[phone rings]

- Oh, please, get it! Get it. Get it quick.

I'm going to puke. I will. I will.

- Hi, I'm the repairman.

Apparently, if they answer the phone, they'll puke.

Okay. It's Sheena.

Her message is, if you're late for dinner, she'll puke.

- Okay, thanks a lot.

- I just saw someone lick a stamp.

[men retching]

- I'm a repairman in an imperfect world.

[cheers and applause]

[rock music]

*

- I mean, they're ludicrous. What is this?

- I know. I know. But you got to wear them.

You know, for my calves? - Oh, I know.

It's so lovely. - Shortens the muscle.

Oh, guess who came by last night.

- Who?

- Your old boyfriend Johnny.

- Oh, Johnny. - Yeah.

- Oh, that's nice--and--

so did--did you two, did you--did you?

- Yeah, yeah. We did. We did.

- Oh, that's--that's sweet.

- I think he wants you to give him a call.

- How do you know?

- He gave me a quarter.

- Come on.

[upbeat music]

*

- David Farsi.

Stephen Jenkins.

Byron Tranter.

Jason Plant.

Christine Cringle.

David Tanner.

Peter Popolis.

Pharaoh.

Antonio Chamino.

David Parker.

Lincoln Starr.

Steven Green.

Bill Wong...

- Excuse me, Scott? - Mm-hmm?

- I mean, Mr. Thompson? - Yeah?

- Listen, I just wanted to thank you for,

first of all, being so open.

- Uh-huh?

- [whispers] Openly gay. - Oh, no problem.

- But second of all, for what you did tonight.

You know, when you read off that list

of names of all the gay men that you knew that d*ed of AIDS,

it was so powerful.

- Thank you.

I really wanted to do something powerful.

- Well, it was.

It was really powerful.

Listen, can I get your autograph?

- Yeah, sure.

No problem.

Okay?

- You know, can I get a hug?

- Yeah, sure.

- Can I touch your penis? - No.

I mean, yes.

Darn.

[angelic music]

[both shrieking]

- Mmm. Mmm.

- David?

- In the ectoplasm.

- But you're-- - Dead?

- Yeah. - Yes.

- So how's the afterlife?

- Well, it's a lot like Vancouver.

- I knew it.

- Scott. - Yes?

- I saw the AIDS special you did tonight with Cynthia Dale,

and might I say she's looking fabulous.

- Surgery.

- So fierce.

And I thought that when you read out that list of names,

it was tres, tres powerful.

- Thank you.

Yeah, I really wanted to do something--

- Shut up. - Yes.

- Scott, a few of us noticed

that the list was, how shall we say, incomplet?

- Oh, I forgot your name, didn't I?

- Yes, and, frankly, you made me look like a fool.

I told everyone here that I knew you.

And when you read out that list of names and I wasn't on it,

I felt humiliated.

Now they all think that I'm a liar,

and they're teasing me that I d*ed of cancer.

- Look, it was really unprepared.

I wrote the list that night on a napkin.

- Yes, I noticed.

Still putting ketchup on shrimp, I see.

- What can I say? I'm a goof.

- Yes, you are.

Now, I don't want to harp on this--

[harp music]

Cherubs.

But it's odd that you would forget me, don't you think,

seeing as how I'm the model

for your hit, hit character, Buddy Cole?

- Well, not really.

- Yes, really. Who taught you how to lisp?

Truman Capote? - Yes.

- No, he didn't. We've become friends.

- Oh.

- So tell me, what happened?

- Well, okay.

Um, I already had three Davids on the list,

and I didn't want everybody to think

that all gay men were named David.

- Well, why not call me Davey?

Or by my drag name, Jenny Craig?

- I'm sorry.

How can I make it up to you?

- Well, you can write up this little encounter

as a sketch on your TV show.

- Yes.

- And Scott? - Yes?

- Get Mark to play me.

He's the most talented anyway.

Well?

- [sighs] Okay.

Let's shake.

- I don't shake.

I dissolve.

- Wait, don't go!

What does God look like?

- Oprah!

- I knew it!

- "She Watches" on four.

One, two, three, four!

- * She watches me all the time, time, time *

* And I don't even know her name *

[terrible music]

* I don't even know her game--

- He's really broken up.

- He'll be okay.

He doesn't seem that bad.

- Well, at least she left him

some insurance money.

He's set up pretty well.

- I sure hope he'll be okay.

- Oh, I think he'll be fine. Don't you think?

- Mm-hmm.

[jazz music playing]

- Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

*

Yeah, that's good. Good.

Yeah, that's nice.

Yeah, that's nice. That's nice.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, that's good.

Oh, yeah.

- bucks?

- Again.

*

Mm.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

[dog barking in the distance]

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Oh, that's what.

Mm-hmm.

That's nice, yeah.

Yeah, oh, yeah.

Mm.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Oh.

- bucks.

That'll be dollars, please?

- Yeah.

Again.

Yeah, oh.

Yeah, yeah.

Oh--yeah, yeah.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's good.

That's nice. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, teach me, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, oh.

Don't tease. Don't tease.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, oh, good, good.

Yeah, yeah, too much, yeah.

- $.

- Don't got.

Again, eh?

Yeah, again.

- No.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Again, again.

- No.

- Yeah, yeah.

Again.

- Do you understand?

The bank is foreclosing on your mortgage

because you haven't made any payments.

- Yeah, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

- Apparently, you spent all your money?

Do you understand?

- Yeah, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

[jazz music playing]

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh.

- Okay, that'll be bucks.

- Don't got.

Again, again.

Again, again!

Again!

[simple harmonica music]

Yeah.

*

Again. Again.

Again, again. Come on.

Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah. Again.

**

**