05x16 - Episode 16

[bunniefuu]

- Well, now, now, now looking at this very thick report--

and, Nichols, may I congratulate you on

the, the thickness of this report?

I am very pleased,

but there are a couple things that do concern me.

I notice that this product rates very well with women -.

And does quite nicely with children to -.

But unfortunately does rather poorly with both men

and women aged -.

- You didn't, did you?

- I don't know what you're talking about.

- You did, didn't you?

- Danny! Nichols!

What the hell is going on?

- Sir, I'm sorry, but, well, I have reason to believe

that Nichols wrote this report while naked.

- I did not!

- You did too!

He once sent me e-mail while on the toilet!

- Nichols, is this true?

- Of course not! Why would I do such a thing?

- I can't imagine. Look, let's just move along.

But Nichols?

No more giggling, all right?

Okay.

Now then, on page there is a very disturbing trend--

Nichols are you getting an erection?

- No! - Oh, damn it!

You did write this thing naked!

All right, come on, let's just push on, all right?

Look, now on page there's a very disturbing trend here--

- Sir? Sir?

I just can't.

I keep picturing him naked.

It's just too creepy.

- I know.

Look, Nichols, is there any part

of this thing you didn't write completely naked?

Perhaps you were wearing socks or a single mitten?

- [giggling]

- All right.

Well, we'll just have to redo the whole damn thing.

Danny, I'm afraid you're gonna have to take this one,

and I'm sorry, but you've only got a week.

- Aw, but--

- So, let's just move on to some other business,

shall we?

- [giggling]

- Aw, you made the coffee naked?

Out, out, out, Nichols!

Out of here! Oh, just get out of here!

Oh, my God!

All the labors of some poor Columbian boy

tainted by your perversion!

Just go!

Go!

I'm sorry, everybody.

Bingo, could you get us a fresh pot of coffee, please?

Thanks.

- [giggling]

[laid-back rock music]

♪

[horn honking]

- [shouting indistinctly]

[bell rings]

[shouts indistinctly]

All right, out of the way.

Out of the way, will ya?

[bell ringing]

[horn honking]

[bell ringing]

- Hello, hello, hello, good afternoon.

How can I help you, sir?

- Oh, please, please,

please don't shut off my cable!

It's all I got, eh?

That and the smokes,

and I've already cut them down to two packs a day!

- Can I have your name please, sir?

- Look, look, look.

Please don't cut off my cable.

I've been thinking about it, eh?

It's all I got, that and the smokes, you know,

I think if you cut off my cable I'd probably die!

- Well, we don't want that,

do we, sir? - No.

- Did you bring your cable bill with you?

- Oh, no, no, I b*rned it.

It depressed me.

- What's your name?

- Look, look, look, just take this, okay?

It's all I've got anymore!

That damn GST, eh?

- Sir, I can't take this until we know how much you owe us.

I need your name! Do you understand?

- Okay. Billy Bicks.

I'm a w*r hero. That's the Korean w*r.

I k*lled four Korean gentlemen,

but there was nothing personal about it.

It's what I was sent over to do.

- Okay, here it is, sir. Billy Bicks.

You owe us $..

- $.? - Yes.

- Please, please don't shut off my cable!

Look, look, look, look.

On Wednesday there's a documentary on bugs, eh?

I can't tell ya how much I've been looking forward to that.

I've got a funny feeling

that if I miss this one, I'm going to die!

And that'll leave my invalid wife

to take care of herself,

'cept she can't!

Weighs almost pounds!

If you shut off my cable, she might get up!

- All right!

- Do you know how to cook a roast?

- A roast? - A roast.

I'm thinking of cooking one, except I don't know how to, eh.

- No, I don't.

- How am I doing there?

- Sir, there can't be more than $ here.

I'm sorry. It's not enough.

- Please, please, please don't shut off my cable!

- Sir, you've left us no choice.

- So is that how you get your jollies here

at the cable company, eh?

Cutting off the cable of Korean w*r veterans?

Is that how you get your kinky sex jollies?

- No, it is not, sir!

You just don't have enough money, okay?

- Well, couldn't you just turn a blind eye?

Oh, please, please, please.

- Sir, I would love to, but, you see that camera right there?

That's head office.

If I cheat for you, I lose my job.

Do you understand?

- Please, please, please don't shut off my cable!

[phone ringing]

- Hello?

Oh, yes?

Certainly. I understand.

Okay.

Okay, sir.

You're off the hook. We'll take this as a deposit.

- Oh, God bless you!

God bless your soul.

Whoever you are!

Oh, God, my poor heart.

Everything is going so fast, eh?

You got a smoke?

- I don't smoke.

- You don't smoke?

Then I've just got the two!

I'd better get home.

Oh, I'd better get home.

- Sir! - Sorry.

[horn blaring]

Out of the way, eh?

♪

- ♪ La, la, la, la, la

♪ La, la, la

♪ La, la, la, la, la

- [gasps]

- My gazebo.

My gazebo...

My gazebo is gone.

[gasps]

[rock music]

♪

[pounding on door]

- Good morning, Mrs. Larsen. - Good morning.

- And what can we do for you this fine morning?

- I've had a bit of terrible news.

- Aw, terrible news is horrible. - Yes.

Well, someone stole my gazebo.

- Geez, that's too bad, eh?

- And what complicates the matter even further is there is

a gazebo which I have never seen before sitting in your backyard.

- Yes, Mrs. Larsen.

You see, we had always admired you're gazebo from afar, right?

So we went out and we bought one very similar to yours.

- We did.

- Talk is cheap.

Let's just steal that ugly thing.

- Yeah. Let's do it!

[laughter]

- Easy!

Hey! Watch it!

- Come on! Use your backs!

- So, you didn't steal my gazebo?

- Mrs. Larsen, I am outraged!

I mean, we don't have to stand here in our underwear

and listen to this!

- Yeah, we don't have to stand

and talk to some un-neighborly boney old broad!

- Boney?

- Good afternoon, sirs.

My name is Officer Henderson.

This is my partner--

My partner is parking the car.

We'd like to ask you a few questions.

- Is this about our high school transcripts, sir?

- Yeah, how many times do we have to explain

that they were lost in a flash flood?

- No, this is about your gazebo.

- The gazebo?

That's because we have long hair.

- Yeah, and 'cause we're not captains of industry.

- No, it's because you have a gazebo in your backyard.

Now, where did you get it?

- From a guy.

- What guy?

- Can we even get dressed?

- Hey! I said, what guy?

- Mr. Her--

- Me--

- T-el--

- Wich.

- Yeah!

- And where does Mr. Herman T. Elwich live?

[tapping on door]

- Heads!

- Good morning, sir.

- Good morning...

both: Mr. Herman T. Elwich!

- What?

- Sir, did you sell either of these gentleman anything?

- No! No, no!

- Sir?

Maybe you don't recognize us

'cause we're not in our suits today, eh?

The gazebo?

- Yes, yes, I did sell these gentleman a gazebo.

Because I'm Mister

Her...Man... T...El...

ish.

- Okay.

I'm afraid their story checks out, ma'am.

Super fine.

- But it's my gazebo.

- Hey, not in the eyes of the law.

♪

[indistinct chatter]

- ♪ I feel so good, yeah

♪ Oh

♪ Yeah, baby

♪ Oh, give it to me

♪ Ha, give it, give it, give it ♪

♪ Yeah, I feel so good

[tapping on door]

- Straight up, Ernie! You're on the curb!

Uh, good afternoon again, gentleman.

I need to ask you a few more questions.

- Is it about the gazebo again?

- Yes.

I'm afraid your gazebo has been involved in a homicide.

It looks as though she was trying to steal it,

but then it crushed her.

- You know, it just goes to show you that in this society

the people who look so-called normal

are quite often the real freaks.

- True.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

Let this be a lesson to all old people everywhere.

- Well, we'll have your gazebo cleaned

and get backed to you, all right?

♪

- The other night I had a dream that we made

the "Kids in the Hall" show in L.A. instead of Toronto.

We were all rehearsing at our huge, beautiful,

state of the art studio in Century City.

Mark and Lorne Michaels were arguing over a catch phrase

for the chicken lady.

Mark thought that the phrase should be

"I would really love to have an egg immediately".

But Lorne said that that was too many words for a t-shirt,

so he suggested, "Gotta get laid."

Mark loved it,

and immediately told his lawyer to write it up.

I was, meanwhile, in the corner studying my lines

for the next scene.

Or maybe I was doing lines.

Anyways,

I was having a very difficult time remembering my next line.

Or remembering if I had just done one.

My assistant kept saying, "You've just done one,"

and I kept saying, "No, I don't think that's the next line,"

and then I would do another line.

And then, Bruce's personal trainer,

Body by Jake, who was also our director,

came bursting in,

flushed with endorphins from a morning workout

to announce that Cher

did not have a seat for the studio taping.

Well.

The entire day's rehearsal was canceled,

and Bruce scurried off to call a press conference.

Just at that moment, Kevin and Dave came in.

They had been missing for three days.

Apparently, they'd been doing a commercial in Hawaii.

Simon and Hecubus for Nissan.

The next thing I remember,

the five of us were at the Anaheim Pond,

playing a benefit hockey game against the Mighty Ducks.

The stands were filled with celebrities and their trainers,

cheering and doing lines.

Everybody was wearing a red ribbon except me and Don Cherry.

Now, the game was taking an awful long time to conclude,

so I thought I would hurry things up by scoring

on my own goal,

thereby winning the game for the Mighty Ducks.

Then, one of the Mighty Ducks picked me up on his shoulders

and carried me triumphantly about the rink,

while all the other celebrities cheered.

Then, the Mighty Duck took of his helmet,

and it was Mike Myers.

He said "Buttah," I said "Vaclemped,"

and we laughed our heads off!

The next thing I remember, I was accepting an Oscar,

and the only person I thanked was Tom Hanks.

And when I got home,

there was an angry message on my answering machine

from my coke dealer, chastising me for not acknowledging him.

I didn't care.

I cut the phone lines, did a line, popped a Xanax

and fell asleep.

And when I woke up the next morning, I was still in Toronto,

and I realized that it was all a drug induced dream.

And I felt sad.

So I did another line.

And I felt sad.

So I did another line!

♪

[clock ticking]

- My friend, Carlo is a brilliant scientist,

and it is a social tragedy

that he has never been employed as such.

So, it is for him and the $. an hour

that I have agreed to help him with his latest experiment.

- We will now measure your energy field.

Stand please.

- Fascinating stuff!

A lot of this technical jargon is beyond me.

And Carlo is too consumed by his pursuit

of excellence to explain.

But basically,

the idea is that I am to be submitted to various stimuli,

and then the energy around my toes is to be measured.

Ah, Carlo! I'm curious.

Do you select your stimuli

from a scientifically approved list of stimuli?

Or do you-- - Shh!

- Sorry, go on.

- As a control, or placebo,

my cousin Neve has volunteered to be measured without stimuli,

during the course of the week.

Neve and I are forbidden to speak to each other

on account of the potential contamination

of our fields of energy.

The stimuli I am subjected to are wide-ranging

and ingenious in their variety.

So far, so good.

Cheese, Rutford?

Uh, garlic, definitely.

Pass! Sorry!

More puke?

Something wrong with me? Because I still see puke.

Ah, now that's definitely a terrier.

Hm, taxi? Air freshener!

Air freshener!

Trophy!

Unfortunately, by mid-week the much sought after energy fields

have failed to materialize.

However, in science,

this is where they separate the men from the boys,

and Carlo's experiments become more rigorous.

- Come.

[male and female voices speaking loudly]

- Some of the stimuli are not exactly my cup of tea,

but as hard as they are on me,

the strain seems to be taking its toll on Carlo the worst.

I'm worried that he might be cracking up under the pressure.

Despite his best efforts, our toes

are as stingy as Scrooge with those energy fluctuations.

I'm beginning to feel guilty

that maybe my toes are the problem.

Surprisingly though, it's cousin Neve who snaps.

- [shouting]

[both shushing]

Ah!

[grunting]

- Easy, Neve. - Ah!

- Easy, Neve.

- Give me the waste paper basket.

- Sadly, the experiment is called off

and its potential remains unutilized.

- We're going to be-- - Ah!

- But of late, I have been having the strangest dreams.

I dream that my toes have this incredible energy

attached to them.

And although I can't seem to control it,

I know in my dream state

that the energy coming from my toes is a force for good!

So I say, how about it, science?

- Ah, come on. Yeah, you lousy piece of crap.

Look at this. Hey, will you look at--

Oh, miss. Miss, you got a smoke there.

You got a smoke for a vet? Oh.

Oh, thank you.

Oh, I've only got the two, you know?

Hey, you got a light? Can you give me a light?

Darn ya, you-- [horn honking]

I can't figure this darn thing out, eh?

You know, I mean, it's like...

Where'd you go? There you are.

Okay, there you are, darling.