01x21 - Episode 21

[bunniefuu]

- I think they're all hunks!

- Oh, make up your mind!

- So cute.

He's a beefcake.

Oh, I like him!

- No, you can't.

- All the girls wanna know:

Who's the cutest boy on death row?

- Is it Steve?

- Or is it Lyle?

- Or is it the new boy with the unpredictable smile?

- He looks stuck up.

- He is not!

- Oh, I think he's full of himself.

- I like him.

He's mysterious.

all: All the girls want to know:

Who's the cutest boy on death row?

- I like this one 'cause he has nice lips.

- How will I sign my new name?

[all swoon]

- Mrs. Lyle.

I like the sound of it.

- I'll never fall in love and be widowed.

I know it.

[laid-back rock music]

*

- Gentlemen.

In reviewing your financial situation,

we've determined that you have no collateral,

no previous experience running a business,

not even a credit rating.

Gentlemen, you haven't even been able

to produce any identification.

I feel it would be inadvisable of the bank

to approve a loan at this juncture.

I'm sorry.

- You don't like us.

- That's what this is all about really.

- I told ya.

It's all a popularity contest.

- Gentlemen, it's nothing personal.

-Nothing personal?

You don't like us.

That's nothing personal?

- You'll be sorry when we're dead.

Bet you will.

- Bet you will.

- Betcha. - Betcha.

-Betcha will. - Betcha will.

-Bet you will. - Bet you will.

- [imitates phone ringing]

Telephone.

Hello? Elinor Dickinson.

- She'll be sorry.

- She'll be sorry.

- I bet she'll be sorry.

- I bet you're right.

- I bet I am.

- This is her house here.

- Are you sure?

- Hey! Get off my back.

- Sorry.

- Are you dead?

- No.

Are you?

- No.

Are you sure this is her house?

What time does the bank close?

- I don't know everything.

Hey!

Get off my back again.

- Okay.

[lively organ music]

*

[jazz piano music]

- They say that blacks are inferior

because they like to dance and screw around.

Excuse me?

I love to dance.

And as far as I'm concerned, screwing is next to godliness,

and I'm the smartest person I know.

They say that Orientals are superior,

because they're better at math and have smaller families.

I guess that's why there's only a billion people in China.

I mean, I'm certainly not having any children,

yet I don't hear a lot of people running around

touting the superiority of ----.

Well, just me.

They say that whites are smarter than blacks,

but dumber than Orientals.

I guess we're just right.

Hmm?

We're the porridge that Goldilocks chose.

Not too hot, like those saucy Africans,

but not too cold like those chilly Chinese.

They say that heterosexuals are better than h*m*,

because we're so promiscuous.

I guess that means we're also black.

It makes sense, 'cause we can really dance,

and, boy, do we understand the blues.

People make fun of me because I lisp.

Really.

Such a lot of fuss over a few extra S's.

They say that every different group

has their own language.

For example, ---- say things like "girl" and "sister"

and, "What's her problem?"

Another example--

another example, foxy black mamas.

They say things like "girl", and "sister"

and, "What's her problem?"

Makes ya think.

And straight men say things like "no" and "too expensive"

and "touchdown" and "score!"

They're so together.

So let's recap, shall we?

Blacks are inferior because

they supposedly commit more crime

and test lower on white people's I.Q. tests.

I don't know about you,

but if I was raised in the ghetto,

I'd be out there ripping off whitey

and forgetting the capital of Maine.

And Orientals aren't supposed to be

as sexually driven as blacks or whites.

Hmm, I guess all those tourists

who flock to the flesh pots of Bangkok

are there for the food.

And blacks, because they apparently have

larger than usual genitalia, are called stupider.

And Orientals, because they supposedly have

smaller than usual genitalia,

are called smarter, not cheated.

And whites, again, have perfect wieners and buns.

I guess we're just smart enough--

smart enough to stay out of trouble,

but too dumb to run convenient stores.

I don't know what all the fuss is all about.

We're all just here to find love.

I just think the world would be a lot better place

if the scientists could keep

their slide rules in their pants.

It reminds me of something that Yoko Ono once said to Malcolm X

in a bistro in Rome.

"Oh, the food's terrible,

- Hey, Wall Street, don't panic.

I mean, I'm only crushing your heads!

Krrk! Krrk!

Crush you!

What the hell do you guys find to talk about anyway?

"Well, I like to put my money into Texaco."

"Well, I like to put it into Gulf."

"Well, I put my money in my mattress."

"Well, I put my money in my wallet."

You're boring me!

I'm crushing your head!

I'm crushing your head!

Hey, I just renamed your firm Merrill Lynch and the Flathead!

I crush you.

Hail to you, wretched bike courier!

On streets of shame, choking on car exhaust,

just trying to carve out that slice of the American dream

with your two-wheeled Kn*fe!

I pity you.

And I crush you. Krrk!

Sorry, nothing personal, I'm apolitical!

Krrk! Krrk!

I'm crushing-- - Excuse me.

What are you doing?

- I'm doing something.

- Uh, what?

Like--like what?

- Something with people.

- What--what are you doing?

- Hold that thought.

Conference call.

I'm crushing your head!

Krrk! I'm crushing your head!

I'm crushing your head!

That's what I'm doing!

Flathead! Krrk!

Ha! Krrk!

Like putty in my hands,

these business boys.

- It was a good movie.

- Mm-hmm.

- It wasn't a great movie,

but how often do you see a great movie?

- Oh, I saw a great movie last night.

Yeah, it was on-- it was on the late show.

It was, um, uh...

Oh, what was it called?

It's a classic.

It's a classic; it's um, uh...

Oh, I hate this.

I hate it when this happens.

- Well, what was it about?

- It's about this newspaper tycoon,

and he's dead,

and everybody is telling stories about him, and--

- It's Citizen Kane.

- No, that's not it.

No, no, no, but something like that.

It's uh...

- Okay, who was in it?

- Orson Welles is in it.

And it's called--

- Then this is Citizen Kane.

It's Citizen Kane.

- No, that isn't it; that isn't it.

But you're not far from it.

It's, uh...

- Well, who else was in it?

- Oh, um, I don't know.

- Was Joseph Cotten in it?

- What else has he been in?

- The Third Man, The Magnificent Ambersons.

- Oh, The Magnificent Ambersons.

Yes, yes, yes, he was in it, yes.

Oh, that's one of my favorite Orson Welles movies.

- Well this is definitely Citizen Kane then.

You're talking about Citizen Kane.

- Mmm, no, no, no,

but it's-- it's something like that.

It's ci...ci...ci... sy...sy...

- No, not sy. Not sy.

Ci, ci, Citizen Kane.

- Sy...sy...

- Ci, ci, Citizen Kane.

- Psycho!

- It's Psycho.

- No, it isn't Psycho. It's Psycho.

Is this about a motel owner whose crazy

and kills a woman in a shower?

- No, no.

I just told you it's about this newspaper tycoon.

He had his sled named Rosebud.

And they're all trying to--

- Then I guess it wasn't Psycho, was it?

- No, it wasn't Psycho.

- It was Citizen Kane.

- No, it was an angie, angie, angela--angels!

The Trouble With Angels.

- No, no, no, it wasn't The Trouble With Angels, no.

That's a Hayley Mills vehicle; that's not even close.

- The Front Page!

- The Front Page is a comedy.

Did you laugh once?

- No.

- Then I guess it wasn't The Front Page, was it?

- Well, what the hell was it then?

- Look, that guy has a newspaper.

I'm going to borrow it, read the TV listings,

and we'll settle this once and for all.

- Oh, no, no, don't.

I want to remember this myself.

- Let me settle this.

[both talking at once]

Just sit down!

- Oh great.

That's really going to help me to think.

That's great.

You know what?

I almost had it.

I almost had it,

but now thanks to you, I have gone blank.

- Okay, well, what time was it on last night?

- It was :.

We don't need the paper.

- What channel was it on? - Channel .

- Ah!

[laughs]

Look!

Citizen Kane.

It was Citizen Kane! It was Citizen Kane!

It was Citizen Kane!

- Okay, big deal.

Look, would you just take the Kn*fe out, huh?

Just take the Kn*fe out.

- You admit you're wrong, and I'll take the Kn*fe out.

- Oh come on, grow up! Take the Kn*fe out.

- No, no, no.

You never admit you're wrong.

When you admit you're wrong, I'll grow up.

- You're being very immature.

Would you please just take the Kn*fe out?

- Why don't you admit you're wrong?

- You're making a fool of yourself

in front of everyone, alright?

Would you please take the Kn*fe out?

Take the damn Kn*fe out! Ow!

Oh, jeez.

Listen, um, would you mind just calling me a, um...

Oh, what are they called?

A, uh...

- An ambulance? - No.

No, I want a, um...

- Do you want two guys in a van

to come take care of your hand and bring you to a hospital?

- Yes. Exactly, yes.

- Then you want an ambulance.

- No, I don't!

I want a, uh... - It's an ambulance.

- No it isn't! - You want an ambulance.

- Shh! - It's an ambulance.

- You want an ambulance, - No, no, it's called...

- You want an ambulance. You want an ambulance.

No, you know what you want?

You want a mortician!

You want a mortician!

You want a mortician!

You want a mortician!

This is on me.

Check, please.

You saw what happened.

[speaking indistinctly]

[plays brass band music]

- I love this song.

I love this song.

It's so true.

I wish this song was a whole day long.

Man, I would have the best day that day.

I just can't listen to it while I drive.

It's that good.

Yep.

Favorite song in my car.

Life's a pretty sweet fruit.

[tires screech]

Don't you ever laugh at my car.

So what do you think I paid for her?

I'll tell ya.

bucks.

easy payments.

Couldn't even feel 'em.

It was like a soft breeze blowing through my bank account.

[tires screech]

Who am I kidding?

bucks a month almost k*lled me.

[sniffs]

Outdoorsy.

Not a word.

Great.

I had to pick today to go bald.

I knew it would happen.

What's a guy need his hair for when he's got his radio.

-In sports, the National Hockey League...

- I love this sports score.

It's so true.

**

- Okay, I'll see your five

and raise you five.

- I ante, and I fold.

- Okay.

I'll see your ten and raise you five.

- So, it's to me?

- Yup. - Yeah.

- Okay, I'll see the , and I'll raise five.

- Okay.

- Okay, I'll see the , and I'll raise .

all: Ooh.

- Okay, I'll fold.

- I'll fold.

- I'm still folded.

- Yeah.

I'll see your and call.

- [laughs]

- I knew it, a pair of twos.

-Unbelievable.

-That's it?

- You're the worst bluffer in the history of poker

My grandmother could tell that you were bluffing!

- Well, why don't we shut up then?

Why don't we just shut up?

Okay, everyone knows I can't bluff--

- Read 'em and weep. - I wish I could weep.

-My deal? - Yeah.

So you in or out of this one?

I want more of your money.

- Just give me a minute. - Come on, you in or out?

- Just give me a minute. - Are you in or out?

- Would you just give me a minute?

- Whoa, what's wrong with you,

having your period?

[laughter]

- What if I was, huh?

- Do you want to step outside?

- No, I just want to have a period, that's all.

Just one a month, okay?

- Come on, guys. - Why?

- Might help a guy organize his time.

- Yeah.

Each month I feel my body become fertile, and I'd say,

"No, I choose not to have a baby.

Oh, rent's due."

- Yeah, well, that'd be, uh...

That'd be pretty ridiculous, you know,

because I hear menopause is ugly.

- Oh? - Yeah.

- Really? - Yes.

- I heard it's great. - What?

- Yeah, I hear it's like taking ecstasy

and a rocket ship ride all rolled into one.

- That's not what I heard.

- I heard you don't know what you're talking about.

- Well, we will never know, will we.

- Deal. - Deal.

- I-I ran into Arlene the other day.

- Oh, yeah, Arlene.

- Which one's Arlene again?

- Arlene, you know, with the big tits.

- Oh, right.

I wish my girlfriend had tits like that.

- Oh, come on.

- I wish I had tits like that--

breasts like that.

-Um, why?

- I don't know, to give milk or what not,

nurture another living thing.

I don't know, lots of reasons.

-Yeah, I understand.

I understand.

- Yeah, well, I'll tell you this--

you'd get in a lot of trouble

if your foreman caught you breast-feeding

on the loading dock.

[laughter]

- Well, then, I'd just have to get a job

in a more enlightened warehouse.

- Yeah, you don't need them.

- No, I wouldn't.

- You know, Arlene's having a baby.

- Yeah?

- Oh yeah, that's right.

She says it's a boy.

No ultrasound; she just knows.

- Really? - Wow.

That's amazing.

- God, I'd like to have a baby.

- [scoffs]

What would you want a baby for?

- I'm bored.

- Oh, come on.

-Good reason!

- You would be such a rotten mother.

You would be such a rotten, rotten mother.

- I-I would not!

- You would be a horrible mother!

Do you want to know who would be a good mother?

-Yeah, who? - I would be a good mother.

- Bull. - No.

You would make a great wet nurse.

Howard would make a great mother.

- Howard? - Yeah, Howard.

- Why Howard?

-Well, think about it.

- Howard. - I'm nurturing.

I still have that rubber plant from college.

- You're kidding!

That thing was like-- like this big when you got it.

- And how big is it now? - '".

all: Wow.

- I just wouldn't have the patience.

- You need patience.

- Let's play cards. - Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm. - All right.

- Okay, gents.

I'd like to be a ----.

- [laughs]

Who wouldn't?

- Don't be crass.

I meant that.

I'd like to be buried in the sisterhood of women.

- Yeah.

Lesbians are so great. - Yeah.

They get so much done in a day.

- Yeah. - Yeah, yeah.

You know why?

Because they get it done together.

There's no competition.

With them, it's "go team" all the way.

- Wow, women together, huh?

- Is that women with a "Y"?

- Oh, do you have to ask?

-Jeez.

- Oh, wait, wait! Sorry.

Forgot to call wild.

Hold on. What do you want wild?

Put your cards down. - Twos.

- Oh, threes, fives, sevens.

- Eights and tens!

- Face cards.

- Okay, everything's wild.

We play for the ante.

What do ya got? - Five aces.

- Five aces. - Five aces.

- Five aces.

- I got nothin'. - What do you mean?

- You can't have nothing. - I got nothin'.

- Everything's wild! - Well, I got nothing.

- No, he's right.

He's got nothin'.

- What a hand!

No, I can't; it's just too cruel.

Hey, kid!

Hey, kid!

Who dressed you this morning?

My mom.

Ah.

Uh-huh.

And do you like that suit?

Yeah.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

And what do you want to be when you grow up?

A businessman! A businessman!

Then I'm crushing your precocious little head!

Crush crush crush crush crush crush!

Pop! pop!

Knng!

Oh.

Why did I do that?

I feel terrible.

He was just a kid.

Just a cute little kid.

I must go to church and confess.

I must.

Yes.

Oh, Father forgive me. Wait!

I should wait till I get to church to say that.

Tell it to the man.

Tell it to his face.

Why am I always crushing heads?

That was just a little kid.

He didn't deserve that.

I mean, I should crush the guy who sold him that suit.

I'm crushing your head, I'm crushing your--

Oh, there I go again.

Once a headcrusher, always a headcrusher.

You've got to get--get a grip of yourself.

You don't, I mean, have to do it every single time

someone comes around the--

I'm crushing your head!

I'm--stop, stop.

Stop it, stop it.

You don't have to crush every head.

You don't have to-- not everyone.

Just maybe .% of them deserve to be flatheads.

Not the kids.

[upbeat organ music]

*

- I think we made a mistake.

I'm cold.

- What do you expect me to do about it?

- Touchy.

both: Nobody likes us.

Not even me.

- Not even me too.

Stop it.

- You stop it.

- Stop that.

Stop it. - You stop it.

Play fair.

- You stop it. - Play fair.

You better stop that.

- I think you should stop first.

I got to tell you, you're not helping my neck any.

- Oh. - Oh.

**