03x22 - Episode 22

[bunniefuu]

- You loser, you pig!

You piece of pork!

[sniffing]

What do you got in there?

Got some bacon curing, pig?

[grunting, snorting]

"I'm the big pig!

I'm the big pig!"

[grunting, snorting]

Loser!

Pig!

- Why didn't you do something?

- I thought you knew him.

- Nope.

[laid-back rock music]

*

[dance b*at, jackhammer noises]

*

- Okay, let's hear it for Miner Joe!

Boy, can he tunnel.

That's it for Miner Joe.

That's the end of the shift.

Thank you, Miner Joe.

women: Bring him back, bring him back!

[cheering]

- Bring him back!

Bring him back!

I'll get him.

Miner Joe, Miner--

- Patrons are reminded

not to get on the stage, please.

I'm not gonna tell you again.

Don't get on the stage, please.

- But I've got more money for Miner Joe.

- We can't bring out more dancers

until you get off the stage, please.

- Uh-oh, that's bad.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

- Stay tuned for more in five.

[cheers and applause]

- So what did the Bearded Lady think of Miner Joe?

- I liked him. Nice ass.

- Yeah, nice ass.

Did you see what I did?

I put a dime right in his navel,

and it stuck.

You know why?

'Cause he was sweaty.

Yah.

What are you looking at?

- The show's on the stage.

- Yeah, you need six tickets if you want to stare at me.

- You want a fight?

I'll give you a fight. Come on.

I'll take all of you on.

Come on. Want to fight?

- She knocked out a cow. - Two cows.

- Yeah.

Boy, what an uptight crowd, eh?

- How did they get in?

That's what I wonder.

- I want another drink.

I want more drink.

Waiter, waiter!

- I'm right here.

- Waiter! - I'm right here.

- We want more tequila.

- Yes, are you ladies sure

you want another full bottle of tequila?

- Hey, we'll drink as much as we want.

We're freaks!

- Yeah.

- And you never get drunk?

- Oh, of course we get drunk.

My brain is only as big as a walnut.

- Oh, well, that's great.

That'll be $.

- $. Come here!

I want to put it in your undies. - No, no, no, that's--

- No, come on, I want to put it in your undies.

- That's okay, it's on me. It's on me, it's on me.

I'm buying, I'm buying, I'm buying, it's okay.

- Hey, do you want the worm?

- Of course.

[slurping]

[women groaning]

Sit down!

- Some people's kids.

- God, they're nuts.

They'll miss Tarzan; he's the best.

He comes out in this-- in his loincloth.

And then this lion guy comes up and att*cks him,

and then--and then Tarzan takes off his loincloth,

and the lion runs away 'cause he's scared.

- Of course he's scared.

Who wouldn't be?

- Yeah, who wouldn't be?

- Okay, ladies, are you ready?

[cheering]

- Yeah, yeah, I'm ready!

I'm ready for Tarzan!

I'm ready for Tarzan, yeah!

Yeah, I'm ready!

- I'm sorry, our regular act, Tarzan,

won't be performing tonight.

He pulled a groin muscle

due to audience interference.

So, once again, we remind our audience

not to get on the stage, please.

Don't get up on the stage.

all: Yeah!

- Yeah, yeah, yeah!

- But I think you'll enjoy our replacement act.

He's new to this stage,

but he's a very fine dancer.

One hand clapping against another

makes a very nice sound for...

Rooster Boy!

[rooster crowing]

[cheering]

[expl*si*n]

[fire alarm ringing]

- [yelping sharply]

Want to get a taxi?

Yeah.

[laid-back rock music]

*

- Hello there, Hillary.

- Oh, hello, Margery.

- That's a lovely display you have.

- Oh, thank you.

Have a lovely day.

- You, too, dear.

Hello, Peter.

Oh, my--oh, oh!

Oh, jeez, oh, I've fallen.

Excuse me.

Could you help me up there, please, dear?

Oh, thank you, young man.

I don't mean to be a bother.

It's just that, you know,

must have been some ice there,

and I didn't see it, you know, and I don't quite

have the balance that I used to, you know.

Don't mean to be a bother.

It's just that I wouldn't mind the help.

Those are my oranges.

I'll take--

You've got my oranges.

Stop, thief!

Please...

That man stole my oranges!

Oh, no.

Could somebody help me, please?

Oh, thank you.

I just--it won't take much...

Oh, God.

Oh.

- Are you all right, ma'am?

- Get out of here. - Ah!

- Oh!

Dah!

No, no...ah!

- Oh, stop it.

- Gee...

You sure we shouldn't have done something?

- No, you don't want to get involved in that, no.

- Yeah, 'cause if something goes wrong, they can sue you.

- Oh, yeah, and then some.

- Yup, sue you.

[rock music]

*

- Hey, videos. All right.

- Yeah.

- Wow, "Mahogany."

I hear it's Will Bottoms' best movie.

- Yes, yes, it is, yes.

- Could I borrow it?

- Haven't seen it yet.

- I'll tell you what.

I'll see it tonight and bring it first thing tomorrow.

- Promise?

- Will do.

[clacking]

- So did you bring my videos back?

- Slipped my mind.

But I feel awful about it.

I'll tell you what I'll do.

I'll bring the movie tomorrow,

plus I'll buy you one.

Do you have "The Godfather"?

- No.

So you'd really do that?

- Will do.

[sloshing]

- Price check on those lady things.

You know.

Don't make me say it.

- Excuse me.

Do you work here?

- Yes.

- Can you tell me where the lima beans are, please?

- Aisle three.

- Thank you.

- So did you bring my videos?

- Slipped my mind.

- Should I even ask about "The Godfather"?

- Don't bother.

- Man, this is starting to cost me money, you know.

I mean, soon the video store's gonna be up my ass,

and rightly so, because when you rent a video,

you enter into a sacred trust.

- I'll tell you what.

Let's have dinner tonight.

Pesto's at :.

I'll bring the video.

I'll bring "The Godfather."

You know that Paul Simon album you've been wanting me to tape?

- Yes.

- I'll tape it and bring that too.

And dinner's on me.

- You don't have to bother with all that.

Just--just bring me the video.

- No, I want to.

I'm just sick about the whole thing.

- Okay.

Pesto's at :.

- Will do.

- Excuse me, you said the lima beans were in aisle three,

and they weren't.

- And?

[ticking]

- [sighs]

- Would you care to order now?

- Could I have another basket of bread, please?

[banging]

[sputtering]

- So you'll bring the condoms tomorrow?

- Will do.

- Hey, wait up, huh?

Wait up!

[sputtering]

You were supposed to meet me at the restaurant at :.

Where were you?

- Slipped my mind.

But I feel horrible about the whole thing.

- No, I don't want to hear it!

You're the king of empty promises.

You know that, man?

What we're gonna do now is,

we're gonna go to your house, and we're gonna get my stuff.

Understand?

- I have to take my friend home first.

But I'll tell you what.

I'll bring your "Mahogany" video,

the "Godfather" video,

the Paul Simon tape,

a bottle of scotch,

and a written apology.

I'll meet you in a half hour.

- Okay.

Sorry I had to cr*ck the whip.

- Forget it.

- Shouldn't you have told him I live in Winnipeg?

- Slipped my mind.

[pop music]

*

- Yes...

Hmm?

We've got through, have we?

Established contact, have we?

Good, Brendan.

Oh, we're on.

Oh.

Hello.

'Allo, Canada.

God bless us all.

Explanation, please!

The least you could have done was give us a call...

a ring, a dingle.

Oh, no.

Your faithful monarch

has to read about it in a filthy tabloid

like a commoner.

It's humiliating!

Now, Canada, I want you never to forget

that without me, you are nothing.

Yes, it's true.

I am the only thing that holds you together.

[speaking French]

See?

French!

Unifying.

And without me and the French,

you are just Americans.

And--yes, it's true.

And the Americans,

they only want you for one thing:

your body.

They don't love you like I love you.

I love you!

There, I've said it.

I love you.

I know I've never said it before,

but that's because, you know, I'm English.

I have a hard time with my emotions.

You must know what I'm saying.

But there it is.

I love you.

I love your-- your peameal bacon.

I love your--your pea soup,

your real maple syrup,

your Mounties,

your Ukrainian dancers, your fiddlers,

your fiddleheads.

I love your moose and your trappers

and your coureur de bois.

I love those funny little woodland creatures

and your hockey players,

like Wayne Gretzky!

Wayne Gretzky takes Pierre Trudeau into the boards.

Trudeau's down! Good!

And the maple syrup.

Bears are riding down the beautiful St. Lawrence River

on a boat, and I--

- Mumsie? - No, please, I just--

- Mumsie? - I--oh!

- Mumsie?

- Mumsie. - Yes, what is it, Edward?

- Did you like my joke?

- Joke? What--what joke?

- Mumsie, my pretend newspaper

that I made up at the theatre.

Look, it says, "Canada Abandons the Monarchy."

[throaty laugh]

- [laughing]

Edward, my youngest and most precious,

I'm on the telly with Canada now.

- Oh, dear.

Joke goes poof.

- [laughing]

Well...

Yes, what a kettle of fish.

Well, we're off.

This never happened.

Back to your hockey matches and raging rivers.

Edward, you humiliated me in front of an entire nation!

Edward!

Edward, where are you?

- Over here, Mumsie!

Look, I caught a fish!

- Put that back; that's my river!

- Oh, Mumsie...

[laid-back rock music]

*

[siren blaring]

- Huh?

- Oh, you're awake.

- Yeah, how long have I been asleep?

- / hours.

- God, you should have woken me up.

- How come?

- Well, it doesn't look good.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

- Yeah, I can see that.

- Let's get a coffee. - Yeah, let's.

[rock music]

*

[bluesy music]

*

- [clucking]

Hey, chicken, eh?

[clucking]

Look, chicken, eh, eh?

[clucking]

Eh?

[clucking]

Eh?

- Respectfully, I'm gonna ask you to please be quiet.

- Then I guess we better step outside, huh?

- Easy.

[slurping]

[cheering]

- [laughs]

[cheering]

[cackling]

- You're looking lean and mean.

[cheering]

- So are you ready?

- I guess I'm ready.

Are you ready?

- I'm ready, willing...

and able.

[cheering]

[cheering]

You still ready?

- I'm ready.

- Yeah?

Here's my plan.

First, I'm gonna kick your ass,

then I'm gonna kick the ass of your friends

in alphabetical order.

- So he's gonna need some names.

- [screams]

Ugh.

[crowd groaning]

He's tougher than he looks.

- My sugar plum, you're hurt!

Hey, you were supposed to meet me minutes ago

at that sub shop.

Where were you?

- Not now.

Baby, it's business.

[hollering]

Ugh!

I'm out of tricks.

- Look at 'em scramble.

- Hey...

where do you think you're going?

- Exterminate with extreme prejudice.

- [hollering]

[crowd groaning]

- Ugh.

- Oh.

- Yeah.

[cheering]

- Ugh!

- What the f*ck are you doing, eh?

all: Stay down!

- I ain't done with you yet.

And remember, you guys are next.

[screaming]

Ugh!

[crowd groaning]

- Stay down.

- Yeah, stay down.

crowd: Stay down!

- [hollering weakly]

- Put him down, you frig.

- Ah!

- Look out, look out!

[crashing]

- Look, baby.

I found you some NeoCitran.

- God, always the provider.

- No.

I figured out the problem.

It's my belt.

- Trust him.

- That's better.

[crowd groaning]

[gentle atmospheric music]

- Yoo-hoo.

Hello, loyal subject.

We strongly recommend you stay down.

Good-bye.

- Stay down, stay down. - Down!

- Stay down! - Down!

- Stay down! - Forget it!

- [hollering hoarsely]

- [laughing]

- [hollering]

- Oh...

- [hollering]

[smack]

[laughter]

- Outside.

- All right.

- He won the battle, not the w*r.

- Somebody there?

- Right beside you, buddy.

[laughing]

Let's go kick his ass.