06x07 - Episode 7

[bunniefuu]

[deep inhale, exhales]

[Man coughing]

[electronic music]

- Excuse me, sir, I have a message for you

from the President, the Prime Minister,

and all the doctors in the world,

smoking is disgusting. [vomit splats]

- You're outta your mind! Smoking is the best!

What's the harm? - What's the harm?

Well, at least you're asking questions now.

Okay, dumdum,

time to rap-rap-rap-rap.

[chime] - Huh?

[singers] Knowledge Lesson, Taddli!

- First up, no one is gonna wanna kiss your garbage mouth.

- Garbage mouth.

- And next, look at your hand.

- Huh? - And the other one.

- Ah! - Why do you smoke so hard?

- Uhhhhh.

- No smoking. Okay?

- Yeah, okay. Sounds good.

[electronic children's music] - Taddli!

[dings, pops and clicks]

[Children] Taddli!

[♪ Shadowy Men: "Having an Average Weekend"]

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[Kevin] And then, I stepped out of the tub,

and guess what? Once again,

my bathwater was lukewarm.

I don't want it lukewarm, I want it hot-hot.

And then, I tried it five minutes later...

and guess what? Lukewarm again.

Not hot-hot at all.

I come home every day at : p.m.

to take a bath in hot-hot water.

A : hot-hot bath, if you will.

I don't bathe in the morning.

I go to work sweaty and smelling.

Coworkers be damned!

But here it is... [feet shuffle]

at : p.m., March th,

Mr. Freddie Prince Jr.'s birthday,

and my bathwater is once again...

lukewarm!

- Well, sir, I'm very sorry that this happened.

I did send the repair man up there this morning,

and I will send him again uh, tomorrow.

- Good! You are the superintendent,

and I expect results! Super results!

I am so upset,

I am going to hang up in the middle of my sent--

[beeps phone off]

[feet slop gently]

[bum squeaks on chair]

[heaving sigh]

♪♪♪

[Plumber] Ugh! Ugh!

This is too heavy. Ugh!

[toolbox rattles]

Too many tools and...

Ah! Mother. [toolbox crashes]

[toolbox scrapes] That's good.

I don't wanna be a plumber.

Let's test this bugger.

[water gushes, plumber breathes heavily]

That is hot-hot.

Ow! Ow! Ow!

Oh! Ow! Oh! Ow!

Ah!

Oh! Ah!

[relaxed exhale]

It's quite nice, this.

I'd change the towels, though.

Ah!

Yeah, that was hot-hot.

Bit lukewarm towards the end.

Weird.

[Kevin] And once again,

I came home for my : hot-hot bath.

I was so excited,

I almost took my clothes off in the elevator,

in front of the Cohen twins.

Identical twins!

And here we are,

at : p.m. on March th,

Miss Lucy Lawless' birthday,

and my bathwater is once again...

lukewarm!

When you know full well I wanted hot-hot!

- Uh, yes, sir, I'm so sorry, Mr. Harrison.

I will send the repairman back tomorrow

and make sure that he gets your...

your water...

hot-hot.

- Well, we will see

what this prize-winning repairman comes up with.

I am so upset that I am not going to hang up for minutes!

[spaghetti sloshes] - Don't eat!

[laughs, mutters] That was a good one!

[sucks air] Hang on, this water was hot

just a minute ago. Now it's become lukewarm.

Funny that.

- Mmm. [spaghetti sloshes]

[water splashes forcefully]

- Could you tell me what that temperature is, please?

- Quite cold. - Correct!

And it was lukewarm an hour ago when I got home!

- [sighs, exasperated]

- I want my water hot-hot!

- Of course you do, sir, and I...

again apologize sincerely, and...

if the repairman does not fix your water tomorrow,

then I will have him...

k*lled? - Good.

I am so upset that I am going to give you my towel,

then go back to my apartment.

- Don't give me your towel. [towel rustles]

Oh. [towel flops heavily]

[feet squish away] - Oh.

[Woman screams]

[water ripples gently] - Ugh!

[grunts]

Ahhhh!

[towels rustle]

- You are the repairman?

- I thought you were a pile of towels, mate!

- I am not a pile of towels.

I am the owner of that tub.

And you are ruining my water.

You're not making it hot-hot, you're making it cold-cold.

- But no, it's hot-hot right now.

See?

[hands tap on tub]

[water ripples gently]

- It is hot-hot!

[water splashing, giggling] Again! Again!

Again! Again!

In my eye! In my eye!

- In your eye? - Again!

♪♪♪

[spoon clangs on pot, footsteps shuffle]

[lid flops, can clangs]

Hey! - [screams loudly]

- You can't just put that in the garbage!

That metal can is for the recycling!

[electronic children's music]

You got cans in your brain, stupid?

- You're very rude!

[Taddli] Time to rap-rap-rap. [Child] Education!

[Taddli] Listen up! [Group] Taddli!

- Okay, maybe I was rude,

but so were you. - Huh?

- Tells ya what.

Why don't I teach you about recycling,

and that way, you'll know!

And then, everybody in the world won't shun you.

- Okay, but I hope it's not too hard.

[chime]

- It's not! Unless having fun is hard.

[chime, bag clatters]

And why just walk, when we can march?

[chiming music starts]

♪ Bum, bum, ba dum ba bum ♪

♪ Ba dum bum ba da da da na ba ♪

♪ Ba da na na na na na ♪

♪ Na na na na na na ♪

♪ Na na na na na na na na ♪

♪ Na na na na na ♪

[chime]

♪ Bum, bum, ba dum ba bum ♪

♪ Ba dum bum ba da da da na ba ♪

♪ Ba da na na na na na ♪

Put it in! - Ha!

[cans clatter, chime]

- You just saved the planet! - I did?!

[electronic children's music] - Taddli!

- Yay!

[chimes and pops] [Group] Taddli!

♪♪♪

[loud bang] [Man grumbles]

- Well, today's the big day. - Hmm.

- It's not often a man gets horribly d*sfigured

in a squash accident and goes into a -year coma.

- It's quite rare, isn't it? - Mm-hmm.

- And he's cured? - Well, we hope so.

We need this bed!

[Man grumbling, suspenseful music]

[grumbling]

[sinister music, man grumbling]

[doors squeak open]

[Man gasps] [Man] Old friend.

♪♪♪

Hmm. [hook rattles, man grumbles]

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[eerie exhale]

[button clicks]

[♪ Parachute Club: "Rise Up"]

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[Eradicator] Is this really the last cassette I bought?

♪♪♪

♪ Rise up, rise up ♪

♪ Rise up, rise up ♪

- Hmm, so many masks. Even though I've been gone

a long time, clearly, I've not been forgotten.

♪ Rise ♪

Juice bar? - Namaste.

What'll it be for you today?

A cold drink?

- All I crave is the warm elixir of my opponent's tears.

- Huh.

♪ Rise up, rise up ♪ - Woo!

[racquet swishes] ♪ Rise up, rise-- ♪

I'm still... The Eradicator!

Ha!

- Who ya playin'?

- A symbol?

- What court you playin' on?

- Just says "Look behind you".

[feet shuffle]

[ball pops and thumps] Ow!

- Oh, are you okay?

- Whoa! This ball is super old!

[Eradicator] Eradicator!

- What was that? - The game is nigh.

I smell success!

Therefore, you must smell defeat!

The Eradicator always eradicates.

That's how I got my name.

It seems to make sense to me.

You are being lured by the world's oldest trick.

The Walkman.

I'm where you least expect me. I'm up here!

[crashes to ground]

[body crashes, shoes squeak]

[normal voice] That's harder than it looks.

I am ready.

- Cool outfit. Uh, Lululemon?

- Do not mock me. You are a weakling.

Your arms have no shape. Not like mine.

- Hey, not cool.

- You do not understand. I was in a coma for years.

Luckily, the nurses had the foresight

to exercise my body. So now, I am ready.

- We just gotta do one thing before we start.

- Huh?

- I gotta snap a selfie for the 'gram.

- I'll snap you for the 'gram! Once I learn what that is.

You are slightly taller than me.

That does not worry... The Eradicator!

It is time to play squash.

You will be...

[mousey voice] eradicated.

[♪ Gowan: "Strange Animal"]

♪ Whoa ♪

♪ Oh, you're a strange animal ♪

♪ I've got to follow ♪

♪ Whoa ♪ [ball pops]

[Eradicator] Another pathetic try.

Although, trying doesn't count. - Uh.

- I guess it's now time for...

match point!

- 'K, but we don't keep scores on the squash ladder.

- What?

- People were finding it got a little too competitive.

- I...I... [door clunks open]

- Excuse me? - Yes?

- Are you almost finished?

We have this space booked for meditation.

- We're playing sports!

- Is one of you wearing deodorant?

- I did put on some Old Spice.

- Right, this is actually a scent-free space now.

- Get out and let me win!

- Dude, you're the "C" word.

Competitive. [♪ Parachute Club: "Rise Up"]

- C also stands for coward!

I guess we'll call it a draw.

Times have changed, but not my love of competition.

My new mission is to reinstate the squash ladder.

Hoo!

♪ Rise up ♪ Soon, others will join me.

An army of competitors, comfortable with their rage.

The weak will cower in fear when they hear my name.

The Eradicator-r-r-!

[ball pops, glass shatters]

[electronic dance music, people cheering and laughing]

[Taddli] Hey, no, no, kids.

There's no dancing today.

Come on, today is Wednesday. Stop!

[record needle scratches]

You know there's only dancing on Tuesday.

[All] Oh. That's right.

- 'Cause there's no dancing on Wednesdays.

[electronic children's music]

[Group] Taddli? - Okay, wait, stop this.

[music stops] Something's wrong.

- Cut!

What's wrong, Taddli? - It's the script.

It makes no sense. I'm gonna go talk to the writers.

- Okay. Taddli, are we gonna get paid?

- Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Okay.

[light chatter, running footsteps approach]

[sighs] [Woman] Taddli?

- Okay, writers.

What the turnip is going on?

This script makes no sense!

You guys embarrassed me out there!

- But I tried my hardest.

- And I used all my best pens.

- Maybe the problem is my computer.

- Oh. Nice try, guys.

- Taddli, calm down.

- Yeah [hiccups], be [hiccups] nice!

- But I don't understand!

You guys are the most inclusive group of writers ever!

I mean, you're a writer with glasses.

And you're a writer who likes pickles.

[pickle crunches] You're a writer from America.

[drum roll] You're a writer with hiccups.

- [hiccup]

- Oh, and you're a writer I keep forgetting.

And you're the writer

who never comes out from under the table.

- Taddli, why do you set your standards so darn high?

- Hmm.

[Man] [rapping] Time to, t-time to rap-rap.

[Children] Knowledge! [Man] Eyes front!

[Children] Taddli!

- Don't you see, if you set your standards high,

then everything will be great!

[All] Ohhhh!

- [giggles] [Taddli] You know what?

I played a trick on you. - [gasps] Wha-?

- This was today's lesson!

[upbeat music]

[All laughing]

- Taddli! - Yeah!

[Children] Taddli! [chimes and pops]

[Announcer] Friends of "Kids in the Hall"

Number , Lainie.

- Yeah, I met Kevin McDonald one time.

[laughs] One time, and he could not,

he could have been a nicer guy.

I think I have a picture of...

him and I together. Okay.

Oh. Um...

ha, I don't think...

this is not my phone.

It was a really good picture, though.

[Announcer] Friends of "Kids in the Hall"

Number , Lainie. - [chuckles]

♪♪♪

- Everything's fine. We're still together,

we've never been happier. And if it does come up,

you're leaving me for a man.

- God, you are a stuck record. - Oh, gimme that.

- Ohhh.

[doorbell chimes: "Ding Dong! The Witch is Dead"]

- Is that our doorbell?

[George] Hey, Dorothy and Toto! You've got company!

- Oh, it is us. - Oh yes.

- Coming! [doorbell continues chiming]

[arguing indistinctly]

[door clicks] [Both] Hi!

- Welcome! - Curtis, George, how are you?

- Oh, we're fine. We're so fine.

We're a happy couple who are fine together.

- [sighs]

- I see.

[Curtis] Peter, the place is so beautiful!

You have done so much work!

- Oh, Curtis, you have no idea.

This entire place has been completely gutted.

[George] Yeah, I know what that's like.

All your insides scooped out like a Jack-o-lantern.

Fake smile carved on your face.

- Very interesting.

[Peter] I must confess,

the Professor and I are very happy here.

- Yes, so glad the dusty construction is over.

Now there's no more drilling unless I'm the drywall.

- Oh, you! - Du.

- You. - Gimme a kiss.

- Kisses coming. - [giggling]

- Mwah! Mwah! Mwah!

- , , !

- [giggling] - He gave me kisses.

[Curtis] Awwwww. [chuckles]

- Professor, where are our manners?

Our guests are getting thirsty! - Oh yeah. Oh yes!

I will do the cocktails.

- Cocktails coming!

[glasses clink, liquor burbles] - Hmmm.

[footsteps approach up stairs] - Oh, Inge, I'm so sorry,

did the sound of the gin wake you up?

- Hmmm. - Oh.

Oh, George, Curtis,

I don't believe you have met my niece, Inge.

- Oh, look Curtis. A real girl.

- Yes, I see that, George.

- Inge is from Sweden. - Mhm.

- She does not speak any English,

but oddly, she does not speak any Swedish either.

But she's here, at the university...

studying obscenity.

- Twat, pecker quim, fuckface.

- She says that you are both very cute.

- Oh, thank you.

- I keep forgetting about our little Inge.

All alone in the north wing.

She mostly keeps to herself.

And her many, many lovers.

Yes, she is a most glorious slut. [laughs]

Not that you two silly queens would care about that.

- Oh, I wouldn't be too sure about that.

- p*ssy whang poon f*ck snot.

- Hmm, really?

George, Inge is saying that she's intrigued

by your simmering rage.

- Oh, is that so?

Did you hear that Curtis? - Yes George.

- Cum guzzler gash cock trap.

Pecker sneeze?

- George, Inge is inviting you to take a tour

of our north wing, if you'd like.

- You know, I would just love a tour.

- Prick prick. Cooter minge.

- George, don't. - Tell me, Inge,

is it true what they say about Swedish p*ssy?

That it's cheap, but falls apart in a couple years?

- George! That's IKEA.

- Oh, is it? Is it?

I suppose it is. - Cooter minge!

- We might be gone awhile.

[sighs, ice clinks]

- Oh, thank you.

- Curtis, is there anything wrong with George?

- Yes, he's a little upset

because I've been seeing someone else.

- So? It's normal. - It's normale.

- Well, I guess it's a little different

because I've been seeing a woman.

- Oh, my God, I'm going to be sick.

Quick, bring me a vase!

No, no, one that matches my outfit!

Never mind, I swallowed.

How could you do such a thing? - Me?!

Well, what about George?

I mean, what the hell is he doing with Inge?

- Would you like to see?

- Pardon?

[cupboards whoosh]

[George grunts over video]

- Wow.

[grunting]

[hand taps breasts quickly]

[Inge moans, George grunts, both annoyed]

[George] What's going on with you?

Gee! Come on! Just gimme a minute.

[sighs, frustrated]

It usually works. Come on!

Here, put this on. - Hmm.

- Over your breasts. [hat slaps skin]

Over the p*ssy. [hat slaps, waterbed glugs]

No, no I can't f*ck my hat again!

- Man p*ssy pecker sneeze?

- Don't patronize me!

- Have you seen enough? - Oh, God. Yes.

[footsteps thud]

- Well, that was fun.

You betcha.

Well, I better leave.

[Peter] Wait, George, don't go!

Come to the couch. Everything is good at the couch.

Professor, isn't there something you can do

to save the dinner party?

- Why doesn't everybody just sit down?

- [sighs, exhausted]

[screen zips]

[projector hums]

[slide clicks]

George, Curtis, my lover...

the psychosexual relationship

between the alpha gay male and the beta gay male

is a fascinating field of study.

[slide clicks]

You see, when the alpha male feels that his relationship

is being threatened by an outside force,

[slide clicks]

it challenges his very masculinity.

Now, often, when the beta male

has taken another male lover,

known as the gamma,

the situation is easily remedied

by simply inviting this third male

into their relationship

for, what we in academia call,

a gay sandwich.

[slide clicks]

[calm, happy music]

But when the interloper

is a female of the species,

all sense of balance is destroyed

in fact, it's so disturbing

that we don't even have a slide for it.

[slide clicks]

[screen zips up]

What we do know is that when this occurs,

the alpha male will often seek

to re-establish his domination

and prove his potency by getting um,

how do you put it, Darling,

you know, some goose for the uh...

- Gander? - gander, yes.

- So, you're saying George's failed attempt

at penetration with a linguistically-challenged

foreign exchange student

was just his way of telling me that he loves me?

- Yes! It's science!

- Mwah!

[George chuckles]

- The Professor's done it again!

- Yes, but there is one more problem.

- What? What is it? What?

- I've run out of kisses. - [chuckles] Oh, you.

Kisses coming! - [Giggles]

- Mwah! Mwah! Mwah! - , , .

I have kisses.

- Every night.

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