01x05 - Beware the Family Jewels

[bunniefuu]

Yeah, I want Kansas City minus four

and Oral Roberts plus nine and a half.

You got to clamp that.

Yeah, and while I got you,

what's the line on Thursday night?

Cowboys minus six and a half,

and the total's 45 and a half.

You think the Giants are
gonna get up to seven?

Nah. If anything, it's going down.

Anytime.

Oh, crap,

this valve is for sh*t.

- I'm sorry?
- HEGLAND: Not you.

Just a lifetime of pork chops.

So listen, give me a dime on the hoops

and then I'm gonna wait on the G-Men,

just to, you know, see
if they get up to seven.

You're down.

All good. Yeah.

[MONITOR FLATLINES]

Oh, boy. Ah...

Fire up the paddles.

If you ever have a problem
with the ol' ticker,

I got your guy.

Terrific. So listen, I don't see any way

the IRS doesn't come flying
up your ass this year.

What?

It's right there.

I listed all the expenses
for the gift shop.

Lot of breakage, some theft.

As you may recall,

terrible flooding in the storage room.

- That hurt.
- Flooding?

Out of nowhere.

Aha.

Did this flood damage any
of the neighboring stores?

Hmm. Oddly no.

The silver lining is
the inventory we did lose

- is deductible.
- I see.

I took the liberty of
writing it down right there.

Very thoughtful.

What's this townhouse in Tarzana?

Is that another office?

- Well...
- You're listing it as a business expense.

Well, no. Well, yeah. No.

I'll tell you what it is.

Um, do you believe in passion?

- What?
- I met a girl.

She's 24 years old going on a hundred,

very old soul.

Anyway, she wants to be an actress,

which you know, it's a rough road.

I'm helping her pay her rent,

and she in turn is helping
me resurrect my vitality,

you know, my life force.

Which, yeah, it's reflected
in my productivity.

So yeah, it's a business deduction.

You're trying to write
off your mistress?

If you want to ignore
everything I just said, fine.

All right, maybe we
can call your townhouse

a storage facility.

You're the man.

So, what do you think?

You think I got a sh*t at a refund?

No, Danny, you have to
pay taxes to get a refund.

- Well, that's bullshit.
- Listen to me,

I have to sign these returns.

If I know they're
fraudulent, I'm culpable.

You know what that means? Culpable?

- Yeah, I know what culp...
- It means you go down, I go down!

Come on.

You and I both know the
Feds look the other way

when it comes to bookmaking.

They don't with tax fraud.
That's how they got Capone!

Okay, settle down.

[SIGHS] So, what's our next move?

Our next move is you
pay a minimal amount

- of income tax.
- Oh, I hate that.

As opposed to everyone else
in the world who loves it?

You need to come see my
sidewalk in front of my house.

For years now, buckled with tree roots.

People trip, they fall.
Old people. Children.

Where's my tax money at work?

You would think I was living in,

I don't know, f*cking
Cleveland or something.

If you like, I can include
a letter in your return

about your buckled sidewalk.

Great. I'll send you some JPEGs.

I'm gonna prepare these documents

so everything's on the up-and-up.

Please tell me if there's
anything else I should know.

Insurance scams, young
ladies with a dream?

Why are you thinking?

♪ ♪

♪ I bet you won't hit a m*therf*cker ♪

♪ Hit a m*therf*cker ♪

♪ Hit a m*therf*cker,
hit a m*therf*cker... ♪

[MUSIC CONTINUES QUIETLY]

[SIGHS]

- Hey, yo.
- Hey.

Who's that?

It's Three 6 Mafia.

Mm.

I like it, man.

That's some real fresh OG sh*t.

I'm glad you approve. Give me my money.

Yeah, yeah. About that.
I'm a little light.

But you know I'm good for it.

Why would I know that?

Well, I just figured we've built

a relationship, you
know, that foments trust.

[TURNS MUSIC OFF]

Let me ask you something.

On those occasions that you won,

have I asked you to do any fomenting?

- No.
- No. I paid in full.

On time. No bullshit.

I don't know what to tell you, man.

I don't got it.

[LOCKS DOORS]

sh*t.

I'm gonna call my partner.

- Why?
- Shh.

Hey, Danny.

Yeah, I'm here with 712...

Yeah, the frat f*ck from
USC. Well, he's light.

Hold on, let me put you on speaker.

- DANNY: How light?
- Not even close.

Well, looks like he's
not gonna graduate.

[LAUGHS NERVOUSLY]

Funny. Uh, okay.
How-how-how about this?

Alabama's a lock on Saturday.

How about you let me put
what I owe on the moneyline?

We even up.

So, you want to go double
or nothing on a credit?

Win-win.

- RAY: You hearing this, Danny?
- I am.

- Thoughts?
- k*ll him.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Wait. Hang on, fellas.

[STAMMERS] We're friends, right?

I ain't got no friends.

Ray, you know what to
do. Be quick about it.

ZACH: Hang on, hang on,
hang on. Wait, wait, wait.

- What if I go to my parents?
- Keep talking.

I could ask for, you know, a little
bit of money from my trust fund.

You hear that, Danny?

Tinker Bell here gets
to live another day.

And you don't have to hose
out the back of your car.



I understand. Thank you.

And thanks, Danny, man, I app...

Go.

Thank you.

He bought it.

These stupid gangster
movies work in our favor.

Hey, don't discount the
fear of a giant Black man.

Could we at least agree me
being Italian helps a little?

[CHUCKLES] Yeah, Danny.
You're terrifying.

Leave the g*n, take the cannoli.

Goodbye.

[CHEERING OVER TV]

Yes.

Why don't you put that away
and watch the game with me?

I don't like football.

[EXHALES] Well, there's a
way to make it interesting,

even if you don't like it.

Is one team a force for good
and one team a force for evil?

Not quite.

How much money you got on you?

- I don't know.
- Well, look.

A dollar.

Red team wins, you bet on the red team,

you get two dollars.

Really?

Do you want to bet your
dollar on the red team?

Well, what if they lose?

I get your dollar.

Actually $1.10 'cause of the vig.

But you know what? You're
family, I'll float you.

But then I'll have nothing.

No. No, no, no.

You'll have several hours
of excitement and thrills.

Pass.

Smart boy.

Look. It's Aunt Lorraine.

Motherf...

I like her hat.

There's my guys.

You know anything about this?

Jesus. Is that legal?

- No way.
- Well, then you got a problem.

[DOOR OPENS]

RAY: Hey.

Hey.

What the hell is that?

Magic shrooms.

What? Coffee not doing
it for you anymore?

My sister... your girlfriend...
has been growing these

right underneath our noses,

but also providing therapeutic guidance

to troubled souls.

"Dr. Lorraine Colavito,

graduate of the UC Berkley Center

for Psychedelic Facilitation."

When did she become a f*cking doctor?

She's not a f*cking doctor.
She's a f*cking drug dealer.

This is gonna bring nothing but heat.

I do like the hat.

- You seriously knew nothing about this?
- Nothing.

You got to ask yourself if
that's a healthy relationship.

Lorraine. You got a minute?

- Not a good time.
- I'm out!

- DANNY: What's going on?
- [PANTS]

I'm just a little busy right now.

- We need to talk.
- Yeah, like I said, not a good time.

At the bar. One hour.

[GRUNTING]

Come back! We're your friends!

Sorry, Mommy number three.

Ah, f*ck it.

You miss the fancy one?

No, I like this.

It counts my steps, let's
me know if I'm breathing.

Cares about me.

Hey, sorry I'm late. I was
in Pilates when you called.

- What's he doing here?
- If you don't want me here, I'll leave.

Sit down.

- I'm really happy to leave.
- So, what's up?

We know about the mushrooms.

We know about the seances or
whatever the f*ck you're doing.

I don't know what you're talking about.

Do you?

Please, let me leave.

All right, fine.

But you've got it all wrong.

You see, we provide
therapy. We're healers.

- You're drug dealers.
- And you're putting us all at risk.

No, we're not selling
it. We give it away.

- There's no law against giving it away.
- Or not much of one.

- So, what's the scam?
- LORRAINE: It's really beautiful.

The hallucinogenics are free.

But the hand-holding
costs a f*cking fortune.

If you're a certified
psychedelic counselor.

- Which I am.
- No, you're not.

Okay, but nobody knows that.

Hey, uh, you Danny Colavito?

Who's asking?

Uh, look, you don't know
me, but I owe you an amends.

What're you talking about?

Uh...

- Give me your watch.
- Oh, sh*t!

- It's him!
- f*ck.

- I thought I sh*t you.
- Yeah, yeah, you, uh, you did.

- You sh*t him?
- Not now, Lorraine.

You're busting my balls for
bringing happiness to people

and you're sh**ting them in the head?

- He tried to mug me.
- I did.

- And-and I'm here to make that right.
- How?

I'm in a 12-step program,

you know, 'cause of the
meth and cr*ck, et cetera.

And this is part of my amends step.

Yeah, I got another one
at 7-Eleven after this

that I am not looking forward to.

So, you came down here
to say you're sorry

- and that's the end of it?
- I was hoping so.

Oh, and I wanted to give
you a heads-up about Jerry.

- Who's Jerry?
- He's the waiter that tipped me off.

- He's really angry.
- He's alive?

Did you sh**t him, too?

- No, he stabbed himself.
- Holy sh*t.

Yeah, he is one angry
fucker with a colostomy bag.

And he blames you.

All right, well. Let's see, uh...

What's your name again?

I'm Tarifa. [CHUCKLES SOFTLY]

Okay, Tarifa.

I accept your amends.

And I also apologize for...
sh**ting you in the head.

Wow, man.

You know, my sponsor told me
not to expect anything in return,

and yet...

Thank you.

Hmm.

Damn.

I think I'm gonna go get me a slushy

and make me another amends.

- Good for you.
- Go get 'em, chap.

You know, in a different world,
he and I could've been friends.

I'm still happy to leave.

All right, things are looking up.

- RAY: Let's get out of here.
- DANNY: No.

No more. I'm serious.

- No more.
- You didn't hear a word we said.

No more!

[DOOR OPENS]

- So, is that it? We done?
- [SCOFFS]

Listen, I didn't get to where
I am by being a quitter.

- And where are you?
- Okay, you can leave now.

♪ Lovers, we were one and the same ♪

♪ Everyone could see ♪

♪ As we laughed walking
in the falling rain. ♪

- You got to admire her entrepreneurial spirit.
- No, I don't.

She's getting in on the
ground floor of something new.

That's how great fortunes are made.

I'll give you three-to-one
this ends with her in chains.

Your next baby's gonna be born in jail.

Gentlemen, a hearty good evening to...

Just give me my money and get out.

Yeah, about that, it
appears my trust fund is

- slightly less liquid than I'd hoped.
- Here we go.

- f*ck.
- But...

I believe I have a solution.

Behold.

- Oh, sh*t.
- m*therf*cker.

What? That's got to be worth
way more than I owe you.

RAY: That's not the point. It's hot.

Red-hot. A hobo can
warm his hands over it.

Please tell me you didn't
steal this from your own mother.

Stepmother.

She fellated her way
into my father's heart.

I don't know, Zach.
This is more trouble than it's worth.

It's fine.

Worst-case scenario, they
go after my junkie brother.

He rips them off every
time he gets out of rehab.

Wait, wait, wait. So,
you're the good son?

That's f*cked-up, right?

- Can you give us a moment?
- Sure.

I'll keep a lookout for ne'er-do-wells.

Just get the f*ck out of here.

What you think?

I don't want to fence this stuff.
That's a b*llet train to hell.

So, what then?

Well...

I can't speak for you, but
there's a woman in my life

that would appreciate
a spontaneous gesture

of love and affection.

- Your wife?
- Sure, her too.

["I WANT TO PAY YOU BACK"
BY THE CHI-LITES PLAYING]

♪ There's something
that I want to give you ♪

♪ I'm gonna give you a
five-pound box of love ♪

♪ With a million dollar bill on top ♪

♪ Million dollar bill on top ♪

♪ Diamonds on every corner ♪

♪ And a big black pearl for a lock ♪

♪ Use my heart ♪

♪ For a key ♪

♪ I want to pay you back ♪

♪ I want to pay you back ♪

♪ I want to pay you back for loving me ♪

♪ Pay you back for loving me ♪

♪ Gonna give you a cloud
of love to sleep on ♪

♪ A determined man to rely on ♪

♪ Love around every corner ♪

- ♪ I want to pay you back ♪
- ♪ Or wherever you might be ♪

♪ Hold you tight ♪

♪ But tenderly ♪

♪ Hold you tight but tenderly ♪

- ♪ I want to pay you back ♪
- ♪ I want to pay you back ♪

♪ I want to pay you
back for loving me ♪

♪ Me, me, me ♪

♪ What's the use in turning away ♪

♪ When we could be happy ♪

♪ Each and every day. ♪

- To happy women.
- To happy women.

You know, every time I
make love to my girlfriend,

somehow I feel more
connected to my wife.

I get that.

- I'm gonna take it a step further.
- Uh-huh.

Sex with a 24-year-old has
kept my marriage strong.

It's because you don't
have all that jizz

backing up in your brain,
making you go crazy.

Thank you, doctor.

- Oh, sh*t.
- Mind if we join you?

Do we have a choice?

Danny, Ray,

I would like you to
meet a friend of mine.

This is Patrick Ryan.

I believe you know his son, Zach.

- No, doesn't ring a bell. Danny?
- No.

Oh, come on, fellas, can we not
do this? The kid flipped on you.

Flipped on us? What
are you talking about?

You threatened his life.

He had no choice but to
steal from his mother.

Stepmother.

Carl, you know how we operate.

We don't pull any of
that strong-arm sh*t.

Is there any chance that Zach's
brother might be involved?

Yeah, we were given to believe
that he might be the bad penny.

- Oh, yeah, he is.
- Mm.

Except that during the
time of the break-in,

Pat Junior was being held without bail

in Brownsville, Texas.

Well, there is bail.
I'm just done with him.

Tough love. Good for you.

Shut up.

Here's how this works.

Mr. Ryan is not going to
press charges against his son,

which means you turds caught a break.

Calamari.

Just put it in the middle.

Yeah, just get right on in there.

This whole thing goes away.

All you got to do is return the jewelry.

That's gonna be tough.

Might be easier if you just k*ll us.

♪ ♪

[DIALOGUE INAUDIBLE]

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

[DIALOGUE INAUDIBLE]

♪ ♪

[DIALOGUE INAUDIBLE]

♪ ♪

No.

You gave it to me. It's mine.

♪ ♪

[CRYING]

♪ ♪

- Any problems?
- No. Easy-peasy.

Eh...

Is this everything?

- Pretty much.
- What does that mean?

My grandma has a tiara. You
want it back, you go get it.

The worst thing about this,
this f*cking Zach kid just walks away.

Doesn't pay us, doesn't go to jail.

- No repercussions.
- It's called white privilege.

Don't do that. I want to hate him, too.

Danny Colavito!

I'm sh1tting in a bag 'cause of you!

Die, m*therf*cker! Die!

- [HORN HONKS]
- [BRAKES SQUEAL, HISS]

Did your life just pass
right in front of you?

- Nope.
- Me neither.

- Disappointing.
- Very.

[WOMAN SCREAMS]

♪ ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ I love Jimmy Luxury ♪

- ♪ Yeah ♪
- ♪ Hey, hey ♪

♪ La-la-la, I'll see
you tomorrow in Havana. ♪