05x09 - Dude, a Reward

[bunniefuu]

[both chuckling]

[bluesy rock music]

♪ ♪

- Give me a bite of that, Butt-Head.

Come on. [both chuckle]

- [mouth full] You know what?

This burrito rules. [chuckles]

- Come on. Give me a bite.

[both chuckle]

- No way. Get your own, butthole.

- I'm gonna take it.

[both chuckle] - Yeah?

And I'll kick your ass.

[Beavis snarls and chortles] I warned you, Beavis!

I'm gonna kick your ass!

[Beavis chuckling and munching] - No way!

[Butt-Head grunts]

[Beavis chuckles]

[Butt-Head grunts and chuckles]

[fists impacting, grunting]

Cut it out! I'll whoop your ass, butt-hole!

[Beavis snarls]

- Settle down, butt-munch.

[Beavis snarls]

- [chuckling] Oh, yeah.

Whoa!

Hey, Butt-Head. Look what I found.

- Uh, what is it? [chuckles]

- Um...[chuckles] I don't know, but it's mine.

- Come on, Beavis.

You're supposed to, like, share and stuff. [chuckles]

- [chuckling] Whoa! Cool!

- Uh...[chuckles] What is it?

- Um...[chuckles] Something?

- Uh, yeah. [chuckles]

Cool.

[both chuckle]

- Yeah. [both chuckling]

[R.E.M.'s "Shiny Happy People"]

♪ ♪

[Butt-Head chuckles]

- Happiness.

[both chuckle]

- Yeah... [both chuckling]

You said "penis."

Just thought I'd tell ya.

- I know. [chuckles]

Why do you think they call it "happiness"?

- Oh, yeah, yeah, because, um, because, like, you know,

'cause, like, your wiener,

when-when your wiener's happy, you're happy.

- Yeah. [both chuckling]

all: ♪ Ah-ah-ah ♪

- ♪ Gold and silver shine ♪

- Um--[chuckles]

you know, um,

I wasn't feeling very good when the song started,

but, um, I feel pretty good now, you know?

Feeling pretty happy. Shiny. [chuckles]

- [chuckles] Shut up, Beavis.

You're a miserable piece of crap.

- Shut up, Butt-Head. [chuckles]

I'm happier than you. - No way, Beavis. [chuckles]

You're miserable because, like, nobody likes you,

chicks don't like you, you're not good at anything.

[chuckles]

- Um, yeah, but I'm-- I'm hung like a horse.

- Uh. [both chuckle]

all: ♪ Ah-ah-ah ♪

- ♪ Gold and silver shine ♪ - Yeah. [chuckles]

Feeling pretty good. [both chuckle]

Shiny, happy people. Yeah.

[imitates fanfare]

♪ Shiny, happy people ♪ [chuckles]

[Beavis shrieks]

[both chuckling] - ♪ Shiny, happy people ♪

♪ Holding hands ♪

- ♪ Dit, dit, dit, dit, dit, dit, dit-dit, dit ♪

- ♪ Shiny, happy people laughing ♪

[both chuckling] - Yeah.

- ♪ Shiny, happy people holding hands ♪

- Uh, what the hell is this thing?

- Um, uh...[chuckles]

- Say, is that an S-X?

- Uh--[chuckles]

What?

- Uh, yeah. Well, that sure is a nice camera.

- Uh, thanks. [chuckles]

Hey, Beavis. It's, like, a camera.

[both chuckle] - Yeah, I know.

I heard him, Butt-Head. [chuckles]

- Uh, what should we do with it?

- [chuckles] Let's break it!

[both chuckle]

[camera shutter clicks] - No way!

Let's, like, take some pictures first, then break it.

- [chuckles] Yeah. Okay. [camera whirring]

- Check this out.

[Butt-Head chuckling]

[both chuckling]

- Yeah. Hey, Butt-Head, check this out.

[chuckles] Peek-a-boo!

[both chuckling] - Yeah. Say cheese!

[both chuckling] - Yeah, okay.

- Cool. [chuckles] Better get one of the captain.

[both chuckling]

Smile! [camera shutter clicking]

- Let me do it. [chuckles]

I'm gonna have to get you to stand up straight.

[both laughing]

Move over to the left a little. [laughter]

- All right, Beavis. Now let's break it.

- Yeah, cool. [laughter]

[Beavis grunts] - Cool.

[chuckles] - Whoa.

Check it out, Beavis.

Instructions or something. [chuckles]

[Beavis grunts and snickers]

- Uh, it says, uh, "This bag..."

[chuckles] "Bag."

[Beavis grunting] "Belongs to...uh..."

[glass breaking] "Reward."

[Beavis grunts and chuckles]

Beavis, pick up those pieces.

There's a reward.

- Really? Cool. [chuckles]

- This is it, dude. - Yeah, this is gonna be cool.

- Uh... - Um...

- Oh, my God, my God! My God! My babies!

[Beavis & Butt-Head chuckling]

[new age music]

Oh, I've missed you so.

Good Lord, you've been violated!

- Uh, sir, you know, like, uh, the reward?

- [chuckling] Yeah, yeah. The reward. Now.

- Oh, yes, yes. Please, come and sit down.

[both chuckling]

Thank you so much for returning my precious pieces.

Without them, I was thrust into a creative void,

the eyes of the master, blinded!

Are you familiar with my work?

- Uh, no? [chuckles]

- Yeah, where's the money?

[chuckling] Money.

- You canker sore! Is that all you care about?

Get out!

[both chuckling] - Cool.

- Yeah, yeah!

[chuckles] Look at that guy back there.

[both chuckling]

Whoa, he showed his nads!

- Beavis, if you hadn't been looking at that guy's nads,

you might've seen the chick's butt

that was upside-down at the bottom.

[chorus cheers]

- ♪ When life's gettin' you down ♪

- Where's the butt?

- It was right next to her leg.

- Really? Damn it, I always do that.

[both chuckling]

- ♪ Take off your shoes ♪ - ♪ Take off your socks ♪

- He has a boner. [both chuckle]

- Oh, yeah. [snickers]

- Well, this sucks.

- Yeah, yeah, this sucks. Look at that.

That guy--that guy with the pin in his cheek?

You know, you know, the guy with the boner?

It's like he's bored and he's in the video.

- Yeah. [both chuckle]

Check it out. He's got a face painted on his stomach.

- Oh, yeah, yeah.

If I was him, though-- [chuckles]

I'd paint a butt on my stomach--[chuckles]

And then my belly button would be the butthole.

[chuckles]

Yeah.

- Yeah, but you could

just, like, you know, show your real butt.

And that would be faster and, like, more realistic.

[chuckles] Dumbass.

- No, no, no.

I don't think you understand what I'm saying.

I'd paint the butt on my stomach, see?

- Beavis, you're gonna have about four buttholes

if you don't shut up.

- It's not my fault if you don't understand, Butt-Head.

Dumbass. [both chuckle]

[Dandelion's "Under my Skin"]

- Yeah!

♪ ♪

- Hey, Butt-Head, isn't there some other song like this

that goes... [imitates song]

- Uh, no, dude. You're thinking of that song that goes...

[imitates song]

- Oh, really?

Whoa, look at the cockroach! He's on his back.

[both chuckle] - Yeah.

That's cool. - Yeah, yeah.

- Cockroaches, like,

hang around people who are all filthy.

- Yeah, yeah. These guys are filthy.

♪ ♪

Hey, Butt-Head. What's your favorite bug?

- Uh, I don't know.

I guess whatever bug I happen to be squashing

is my favorite.

[both chuckle] - Yeah.

You know, Butt-Head, sometimes when you squash a bug,

like, this tobacco stuff comes out of 'em?

[both chuckle] - Yeah.

- I tried chewing some of that stuff once, but I don't know.

It didn't do anything for me.

[both chuckle]

- [chuckles] I like it when you squash a cockroach

and that white stuff comes out of 'em

and it looks like a Junior Mint.

- Oh, yeah, yeah.

But, like, um, but it doesn't taste like a Junior Mint.

[both chuckling] The damndest thing.

♪ ♪

- Astounding.

I-I've never seen anything like it.

The soulful expressions are so deeply relevant.

[sighs] I'm sorry, I'm overcome.

- Are you okay, Chastity?

- Can-can we please sit down?

- [sighs] I can only aspire to maybe someday

communicate in this fashion.

I don't know. I'm so confused.

I mean, where does the genesis of brilliant statements

such as these come from?

[long burp]

- [sighing chuckle]

Whoa.

Beavis, you gotta get a whiff of this. [chuckles]

- Ah! [coughing] No way, butthole!

Cut it out! Ah! [mutters indistinctly]

- So cool. [chuckles]

[fabric rips] [feedback screeching]

Well...[sighs]

Guess I'm gonna go take a leak.

- No way, Beavis.

I get to take a leak when the video sucks.

- No way, Butt-Head! [both chuckle]

I got up first!

- Yeah, but I have to take a dump.

[both chuckling] That's more important.

- No way, Butt-Head. [chuckles]

I'm gonna take a dump, too, to just like, you know,

embarrass you.

- Well, you snooze, you lose.

[Butt-Head chuckles] [door opens and closes]

[Entombed's "Wolverine Blues"]

- Uh...[chuckles] This sucks.

Hey, Butt-Head. Oh, oh--[chuckles]

Um, yeah.

Guess I'll go take a leak. [chuckles]

- Beavis, stay on that damn couch.

- Oh. [chuckles]

[imitating guitar riffs]

Hey, Butt-Head! Are you almost done in there?

- Uh, just a few more minutes! [chuckles]

- Um, okay.

Guess I'll go take a leak. [chuckles]

[footsteps] [door opens]

[both yelp] - What are you doing, Beavis?

- Damn it, Butt-head!

- Never come into the bathroom

while I'm taking a dump!

[scuffling] - What are you talking about?

You're not taking a dump! What are you doing?

- I just haven't started yet! Get out of here, Beavis!

- You're just hanging out in here!

- Damn it, Beavis! [Beavis giggling]

Go back and watch the damn video till I say stuff!

[both chuckling]

[bluesy rock music]

♪ ♪