05x11 - Career Day

[bunniefuu]

[Beavis and Butt-Head chuckling]

[upbeat rock music]

♪ ♪

- Class, I'm extremely happy to announce

that today is Highland High's career day.

Now, this is a wonderful opportunity for you guys.

This'll give you a chance to interface

with working professionals and learn about their exciting

and rewarding job fields. - Hey.

[snickers]

Is this, like, gonna be on a test or something?

- This is a life test, Butt-Head.

And please raise your hand if you have a question.

And as an incentive,

everyone will be excused from one day of school

in order to observe their vocation of choice.

- Cool.

- Yeah. [snickers] Vocations kick ass.

They kick ass! - Yeah.

- Kick ass! Yeah. [both snickering]

[Slaughter's "Real Love" playing]

Check this out, Butt-Head. [snickers]

You could be saving money on long-distance calls

to family and friends. [both snicker]

- Yeah. They keep talking about big savings,

but I just don't see it. [both snickering]

- ♪ I lie awake in the morning light ♪

♪ No one to hold ♪

- Oh, no. [chuckles]

- Oh, boy.

- How did this ever happen? - Yeah, really.

- This is, like, just a bunch of bungholes.

- Yeah. Yeah. [snickers]

Yeah, because-- whoa, that's that Brenda bitch

from "Beverly Hills, M

"--

Ahh! "." [snickers]

- Beavis, next time you're talking about that show...

- [snickers] - Just say "Beverly Hills"

and forget about the numbers, okay?

- Oh. Oh, okay. [both chuckle]

- ♪ I've been feeling down ♪

- So, like, why the hell is she hanging out

with these wussies?

- Yeah, I thought that, like, if you're a bitch,

that you'd, like,

be into, like, something more hardcore.

- Uh, I think sometimes if you're a bitch

it's like, you listen to crap like this.

- Yeah, maybe it's like-- it's like,

she doesn't even like it but just, like,

plays this stuff just to piss people off.

[snickers] 'Cause she's a bitch.

- Yeah. [both snickering]

b*tches are cool.

[both snickering] - Yeah.

b*tches rule.

[both snickering]

[The Meices' "Daddy's Gone to California"]

Um...

hey, this guy looks familiar.

- [snickers]

- Oh, that's that guy.

Remember when we saw those naked movies

at your uncle's house?

That's the guy that was in 'em, right there!

- Uh... - [snickers]

- How do you know, Beavis?

- I recognize him. That's him.

That's the guy that was in those naked movies, remember?

It's, like, he had his schlong and he was, like,

you know, like, doing the, um--

[snickers] You know, puttin' in the...

- You were looking at that guy's face

when there was all that porn action going on?

- Well, you were probably looking at his wiener.

[chuckles] Dumbass.

[both chuckle]

- No, I wasn't.

I was looking, like, around his wiener.

[both snickering] - Oh, yeah.

So, like, I guess he's, like, in a band or something.

- No. This band probably just, like,

keeps him around 'cause he can get chicks.

- [snickers] Oh, yeah.

[both snickering]

How come that guy gets to be in naked movies?

He's just, like, a big, fat, ugly slob.

- Yeah. [both snicker]

Well, you're almost there, Beavis.

All you need to do is just, like, get fat.

- Really?

How do I get big and fat?

- Uh...I don't know.

[both snicker]

- I'm getting sick and tired of dudes who sing like this.

- Yeah, it's like--it's like

almost every damn video you see has, like,

some guy singing like this.

- Yeah. - [snickers]

- It's like he's trying to be alternative.

[snickers] - Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Something like that. Yeah.

- It sucks. [both snicker]

- I think we can start tomorrow, lady.

- Flea markets are cool.

- Yeah. [snickers]

- Say, boys, interested in the printed page?

- Uh, you got anything with naked chicks?

- Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. With big hooters.

[snickers] Yeah. - Uh, no.

We do mostly educational and technical manuals.

- Who's gonna buy that crap?

- Yeah. Really. [snickers]

- Beavis, Butt-Head,

you're supposed to be exploring career opportunities.

- These jobs are stupid.

- Yeah. [both snicker]

Everyone, like, works in a booth. [snickers]

- These people don't work in booths.

They're here to answer questions

and help you plan your future.

Your life after graduation.

Well, if you guys don't pick a career,

Van Driessen won't let you skip a day of school next week.

- Uh...[chuckles] Skip school?

- Yeah. Cool. [snickers]

- Uh, we, like, need a career or something.

- Yeah. [both snicker]

- Help us get out of school. [snickers]

- You fellas think you've got what it takes

for security work?

- Do we get to kick some ass?

- Yeah. Do we get tasers and tear gas?

[snickers] - Hell no.

I work at the mall. Video surveillance.

Basically, they pay me to watch TV all day.

- Whoa. [chuckles] Cool.

- Yeah. Yeah.

Hey, Butt-Head, we could do that.

[both snickering] - Yeah.

This is gonna be cool.

- Okay, fellas, it's very simple.

All you have to do is watch these screens.

- Cool. - Yeah.

Hey, where's the remote?

- Hey, mellow out!

[clears throat]

If you spot any unusual activity,

you come and get me immediately.

I gotta go secure the food court.

- Uh, okay dude. [snickers]

- Yeah. Okay. We got it under control.

Yeah. [snickers]

- These shows suck.

- Yeah. [snickers] Change it to something cool.

- I'm trying.

[grunts]

There's nothing good on. [static droning]

- These channels all suck.

- Yeah. Really.

Let's go out and bust somebody or something.

- Yeah.

Let's secure the mall. [snickers]

[both snicker]

Hey, Butt-Head, people respect the badge.

[snickers] - Yeah.

'Cause it, like, gives us permission

to kick their ass and stuff.

- Yeah.

[both snicker]

Chicks like a man in a uniform.

Yeah. [snickers]

- Yeah.

Check this out. [snickers]

'Scuse me, ma'am.

- Yes? - I'm, like, security.

And, like, I'm gonna have to ask you

to, you know, assume the position.

[both snicker] - Yeah. Assume.

- You lay a hand on me, I'll sue your ass.

- Whoa. [chuckles]

- Hey, Butt-Head, let's look for some crimes or something.

[snickers] - Yeah.

Uh, excuse me, sir, did you pay for that?

- Yeah. Yeah. [snickers] Yeah.

If you just cooperate, it'll make it a lot easier

on both of us, okay? Yeah.

[both snicker]

Uh, 'scuse me, ma'am.

- Who, me? - Yeah.

- Could you step over here for a minute, please?

- Yeah. Yeah. [snickers]

Yeah, we'd just like to talk to you for a minute, please.

Could you step over here?

[both snickering] - This is gonna be cool.

[Tool's "Prison Sex"]

♪ ♪

- Oh, check it out, Butt-Head. It's an outie.

- That's not an outie, Beavis.

There's two of them. See? It's a nipple.

- Those aren't nipples, Butt-Head.

Look how low they are. - No way, Beavis.

That's just 'cause she doesn't have any legs or a butt.

- [snickers] Oh, yeah. Yeah.

- Besides, nipples can be low. Just look at your mom.

- Yeah. Yeah. I guess they are nipples.

[snickers]

Oh, check out that black dude.

- Yeah. [both snicker]

He's gonna save the day. - Oh, yeah. Yeah.

[both snickering]

- ♪ I can smell you ♪

♪ I need you to feel this ♪ - Check it out.

He's shaking his head. [snickers] Wake up!

Wake up, wonky! - Yeah.

- That dude's, like, saying, "Damn it.

Quit messing with my head and go get my legs."

[both snickering]

- Yeah.

- ♪ For one sweet moment, I am whole ♪

♪ ♪

[Beavis snickers]

Check it out, Butt-Head. A slot.

[both snicker] - Yeah.

- Your mother's a "slot." [chuckles]

- That's not a moth-er. That's a bee.

- Whoa, that dude's got a pet bee.

- [snickers] Yeah. That's pretty cool. Yeah.

If I had a bee, I'd, like, teach it to go sting people.

[snickers]

It's like, "Sting 'em, boy. Sting 'em!

Stick 'em in the butt! Go!"

[snickers] - Yeah.

- ♪ You look so precious now ♪

[both snickering]

- Okay. Good night, little dude.

See you tomorrow. [both snicker]

[beeps] - Oh.

What the hell are those punks doing?

- Uh, did you pay for that, ma'am?

- Yes.

- Can I see your receipt, please?

- Yeah. Can I see your slip? [snickers]

- Excuse me?

- Uh, can we, like, frisk you?

- Yeah. Yeah. Me too.

- I don't think so. [both snickering]

- What are you doing away from your post?

Let me handle this.

Did you, uh, purchase that, ma'am?

- Yes, I did.

- I apologize, ma'am, I'm gonna have to ask you

to assume the position.

It looks like a full cavity search.

[chuckles] - Ugh!

You white trash, rent-a-cop, piece of--

[inhales sharply] Ugh!

- [chuckles]

[all chuckling]

- Being security is cool.

- Yeah.

[upbeat rock music]

♪ ♪

[Pavement's "Cut Your Hair"]

Um, is this one of those sneaker ads

where, like those basketball players sit around

in a barber shop?

- Uh, yeah.

Only it's, like, a bunch of white guys.

[both snicker]

And white music. [both snicker]

- Yeah.

It's butt-wipe music. [both snicker]

Hey, where'd that cat come from?

- Uh, I think it came out his nose.

- Um...was that supposed to be funny?

- Uh, it's supposed to be. [chuckles]

It would have been funny if it came out of his butt.

[chuckles] - Why is that?

I mean, how come if it comes out of his nose

it's not that funny but, like,

if it comes out of his butt, it's funny.

Why is that?

- Well, it's 'cause, like, your butt has a crack in it.

[both snickering] - Oh, yeah.

[both snickering]

- ♪ Each and every day I saw another one ♪

[both snickering]

- What a wuss.

[both snickering]

- I hate it when I go to the barber and it's like,

he starts cutting your hair and then he goes,

"So, how's school?"

- Yeah. [both snicker]

I usually say, "It sucks. Now shut up and cut my hair

before I stick that comb up your butt."

- You know, Butt-Head, maybe that's why

you get all those sucky haircuts, you know?

Maybe you should try being a little nicer.

- Beavis, I'm gonna shove a comb up your butt.

My hair looks cool.

[both snicker]

[upbeat rock music]

♪ ♪