06x01 - Bungholio: Lord of The Harvest

[bunniefuu]

[chuckling]

[bluesy rock music]

* *

- Isn't this the same place that those other kids

got k*lled two years ago?

- Don't be crazy, Tina.

You act like you don't even want to get it on.

[chainsaw buzzes] [screaming]

[both chuckling]

- That dude with the mask is messed up.

- Yeah, really.

He didn't even wait for that chick to take off her shirt.

- Yeah. [chuckles]

It's like, this could never happen in real life.

[doorbell chimes] Damn it.

That's, like, the th time tonight or something.

[doorbell chimes]

- Um, maybe we should see who it is.

- Uh, oh, yeah. [chuckles]

[doorbell chimes]

both: Trick or treat.

- [chuckles]

Cool. [chuckles]

- Um, who was that? [snickers]

- Just some dudes passing out free samples.

- Cool.

Free samples rule. Yeah.

[banging on door]

- You take my kids' candy and I kick your ass!

[both grunt]

- Ahh!

- Ugh!

[coughs]

- Happy Halloween.

- [chuckles weakly]

Ween.

[both snickering] [coughs]

[Alice Cooper's "Teenage Frankenstein"]

* *

- Ooh, a butt!

- Yeah. [both snicker]

I like butt cheeks.

- Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, me too. Yeah.

We should hook up, yeah.

[both chuckle]

- * With my head made of rock *

* And I ain't got nobody *

- Whoa. Check it out.

He just making out with some chick on stage.

- That's not a chick, dumbass.

That's just, like, a dummy or something.

- Yeah, well, she may be dumb,

but at least she's getting some.

- Not a dummy like that, dillhole.

I'm talking about, you know,

one of those big dolls or something.

- Really? [snickers]

That's cool.

We should try that. [snickers]

- Uh, you did try that, Beavis.

Remember when you tried to make out

with that mannequin at Sears?

- Yeah. [chuckles]

- And then they threw your ass out of there.

[both chortle]

- Oh, yeah, yeah.

Then I had to go back in and get my pants.

[chuckling]

* *

Um, what happens in "Frankenstein"?

I can't remember.

- Uh, there was, like, this dude with a big head

and, uh, he's a doctor.

And then he, like, invents a way to operate

on dead people, but he uses lightning.

And then he, like, puts some screws into his head.

And then he's got this hunchbacked little sidekick

that does everything he says.

[both tittering]

Kind of like you.

- Shut up, Butt-Head.

Bunghole. [both chuckle]

That sucks that we're, like, too old to get candy.

- No way, Beavis.

There aren't any laws about Halloween.

- Really?

Cool. [chuckles]

[doorbell chimes]

- Um, can I help you?

- Uh, yeah.

We need some candy.

- Yeah, give us some of that. Come on.

- Fellas, you're a little old for this.

And I really think you ought to have costumes.

- Um, are you sure there's no laws, Butt-Head?

- Uh. [chuckles]

Let's switch sides, dude.

[chuckles]

- Oh, yeah, yeah.

Okay. [doorbell chimes]

- Come on. I mean it.

No costumes, no candy.

- This sucks.

- Yeah.

[thuds]

[both chuckling]

- Um, these sheets smell funny.

[snickers]

- Yeah. [chuckles]

These are my special monkey sheets.

- Ahh! Damn it!

Get it off me! Ahh!

[Butt-Head chuckles]

[snickers]

Hey, Butt-Head, check it out.

I'm going as a wuss.

[chuckles] - Uh...

- * She's only *

Whoo! [smack]

Ahh!

- Uh. [chuckles]

Uh.

[snickers]

You've got your head up your butt.

- No way.

Check it out.

I'm a nad.

Get it? See?

I'm a big ol' nad.

- You're a dumbass. [both chuckle]

Whoa.

I got it.

[chuckling]

- Hi. I'm a nad.

No wait.

Hi. I'm a nad.

[snickers]

How's it going?

Can I have some candy, please?

I'm a nad. [snickers]

- [chuckling]

- Um, whoa.

Cool.

So, um, what are you supposed to be?

- Uh, guess.

[snickers]

Ugh, ugh.

- Whoa. [both chuckling]

- I'm nachos.

- That's cool. [chuckling]

We should do this all the time.

[both chuckling]

- Ween.

- Yeah.

[doorbell chimes]

- Trick or treat.

- Yeah. [chuckles]

- Hello, kemosabes.

Got something for you right over here.

[laughs]

- Check it out. I'm nachos.

- Yeah, yeah.

I'm a nad. Get it?

You see?

- Hi, there, White Ranger.

There you go, young fella.

There you go.

And one for you too. [laughs]

Happy Halloween.

And remember, Satan wears disguises too.

- Hey. You forgot our candy.

- Boys, these pamphlets will make

for some scary Halloween reading.

- Uh--

- Um-- - What?

- You know, most boys your age don't go trick-or-treating.

- Yeah. [chuckles]

Some kids are stupid.

- Yeah, yeah, really.

- What a dumbass.

- Yeah, yeah.

Damn son of a bitch.

[snickers]

[doorbell chimes]

- Uh, hey, baby.

- Yeah, yeah. Hey, baby.

I'm a nad.

- Oh, sh**t, boys.

Stewart just left.

- Uh, we don't want Stewart.

We want some candy.

- Now, come on.

I'm saving that for the trick-or-treaters.

Maybe you can catch up with him.

He's with his youth group.

- Damn it.

This is starting to piss me off.

- Yeah, it's like, I got all dressed up as a nad

and it's, like, no one's giving me any candy.

[doorbell chimes]

Um, hi.

I'm a nad and I need some candy for, like,

um, poor people and stuff.

[both chuckle]

- Well, Beavis, all I have

are some organic walnut clusters

and these "My other car's a bike" bumper stickers.

- Uh...

- Um...

- Uh, I'll take the sticker.

[chuckles]

- Yeah, me too. Yeah.

- OK, guys, happy hunting.

- Butthole.

Damn it.

We need to find, like, a stupid dude

to give us some candy.

- Whoa. [chuckles]

That's a good idea.

[both snicker] - Yeah.

- Now what in the hell are you boys supposed to be?

- I'm a nad.

- I'm a dumbass.

Check it out.

[chuckles]

- Yeah.

- Uh, can we just, like, have some candy?

- Yeah, yeah. Really.

[phone rings]

- Well, now, hold on a minute.

[phone rings]

- Hello. - Well, John Thomas.

How long's it been?

That long, huh? [chuckling]

My, my. Oh, sure.

I got d*ck's number. Hold on a minute.

I got wrote down in the kitchen.

[rock music]

[both chuckling]

- Uh...

- Well, if you don't say.

Yeah, I got some trick-or-treaters here.

Uh--

[both chuckling]

- Hey, give me some, buttmunch.

- Ahh! Go away!

Get out of here!

- Settle down.

[doorbell buzzes]

- Trick or treat.

- [growls]

- Hmm, um, tell you what.

Why don't we go to another house, OK?

Yeah, this isn't a good one.

- Ahh! - [chuckles]

- [growling]

[Paul Broucek's "Hollywood Halloween"]

* *

Whoa. Check it out.

He has an eyeball in his mouth.

[snickers] - That'd be cool

if you had, like, an eyeball in your butt.

And then you could like-- - Ah, shut up, Butt-Head.

You always say stuff like that.

- Beavis--[chuckles]

I'm gonna shove your eyeballs up your butt sideways

if you ever tell me to shut up again.

- Oh, yeah.

[chuckling]

* *

- * And the people all are ghouls *

- Uh, these dudes look too old

to be trick-or-treating.

- Maybe they were, like, um, you know,

how sometimes the kids' dads get dressed up too?

[chuckles]

- Yeah. [chuckles]

Dads.

[both chuckle]

- Or, um, nads.

[chuckling] Yeah.

[chuckling]

* *

- * Turn back the clock *

- Remember that time your mom had that Halloween party?

[chuckles]

- Oh, yeah.

Don't talk about that, Butt-Head.

- Then we went in your mom's room

and that dude dressed up like Colonel Sanders was in there

and he didn't have any pants on.

- Shut up, Butt-Head.

[both snicker]

- His drumstick.

- Shut up, Butt-Head.

- [chuckles]

- Oh, yeah, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

His drumstick.

[both chuckling]

- This is boring. - Yeah, yeah.

All these people, I don't know,

they're just like--

they're starting to make me mad.

[both snicker]

- Look. It's Batman.

- Oh, yeah.

[both chuckle]

Anyways, um--

Oh, cool. Cops. Yeah.

Maybe we'll see some domestic disputes.

Like some excessive force on some perpetrator.

- It's about time somebody call the cops.

This video sucks.

[both chuckle] - Yeah.

[chuckling]

[rustling] [Beavis growling]

[Butt-Head chuckling]

- OK, John, good talking to you.

Now where was I? Oh, right.

I was going to give you boys some candy.

What in the hell?

- Ahh! [growling, snickering]

- [chuckling]

- Hey!

Hey, damn--damn it.

Get the hell out of my house, boy.

- [chuckles]

- Well, you're welcome, you damn ungrateful bastards.

- Yeah, really. - [snickering]

That bastard didn't let me have any.

- [hyper vocalizations]

- I'm the Great Pumpkin.

Who are you suppose be?

- I am Cornholio!

I need TP for my bunghole!

[snickers]

You will give me all your caca.

[hyper vocalizations] [doorbell buzzes]

I have no bunghole.

I am bungholio.

- Get the hell off my property, you son of a bitch.

[both snickering]

- [hyper vocalizations]

- No way, Stewart.

What if your mom finds out?

- She won't find out.

Besides, this year, I'm really gonna TP something.

- [growls] [all scream]

- Ahh! TP.

You must give me your TP.

- Gosh, Beavis. [laughs] You scared me.

- Trick or treat, son of a bitch!

[snickers]

- Come on, Beavis.

I know it's you. - Ahh!

- Is he on dope?

- Give me your TP!

- OK, OK.

Take it easy, man.

- [growls, snickers]

You will not be safe from the almighty bunghole!

I am Cornholio.

[snickers] Bunghole.

- Damnit, Beavis, come back here with that bag.

You owe me, bungwipe.

- Ah.

Rollio.

Rollios for my bunghole.

[snickers] Oh.

[chortles] Oh.

Mm, ah, oh.

[hyper vocalizations]

Gotta, getta-- gotta, gotta hole--

gotta, gotta hole.

Gotta, gotta hole-- for my bunghole.

I am Cornholio!

I need Rollios for my bunghole.

[snickers] - Beavis, get back here

with that candy before I kick your ass.

[engine roars]

Whoa.

Todd.

[tires squealing]

- Hey, man, move your ass out of the street.

- Are you threatening me?

- What did you say, punk?

- Do not underestimate the power

of the almighty bunghole!

Ah, wa.

Ya, ya, ya.

- This is messed up, man.

- [chuckling]

- Oh, you think this is funny?

- Uh, yeah.

[chuckles]

Like, uh, can I come with you guys?

Let's go kick some ass.

- Yeah. OK.

Let's take this little turd out into the country.

- Ugh.

Ugh. Ooh. [clang]

- [hyper vocalizations]

[engine roars]

You cannot escape the almighty bunghole!

Run as you may-- [snickers]

You cannot escape.

Bungholio. [snickers]

[night bird chirps]

- Ya. Ka, ka, ka, kaw.

La, la, ka, kaw. La, la.

La, la, la.

Oh, ah.

You cannot run from your own bunghole.

Oh. [snickers]

Yeah.

Ahh.

- Gosh, Dad, this graveyard sure is spooky.

- [vocalizes]

Nn, gotta, gotta, gotta, wa.

I is the great bunghole.

[snickers]

- Did you hear something, Dad?

- Oh, Guy, I'm frightened.

- Come on. It's just the wind.

- Or a ghost.

- Ahh! - [screams]

- I am Cornholio! - Daddy!

- Guardian of the great bunghole!

- Honey, let's go.

- You must give me your candy!

I need the Rollios for my bunghole.

- All right, just do as he says.

Put down your bag.

- No, I don't want to give him my candy.

No. - Just put your bag down, son.

We'll buy you some more tomorrow.

- No! - Come on.

Put down your bag and run!

- No! No!

- [snickers] Yeah.

Ahh. Rollio.

Rollios for my bunghole.

[chuckles]

Oh.

[chewing, chuckling]

[engine roars]

[tires screech]

[engine rumbling]

- Uh. Ugh.

[chuckles]

That was cool.

Uh, so what are we gonna do now?

- I don't know, man.

- Uh.

[chuckling]

[suspenseful music]

* *

Uh, uh-oh.

* *

[chuckles]

- [snickering] Yeah.

Yeah.

[wind whistles]

[growling, munching]

I am Cornholio!

[wind whistling]

Raholiooo.

Raholio. Raholio.

* Bungholio *

* I have no bunghole *

* I have no bungho-oh-olio *

* I am the great Cornholio *

* The almighty bunghole *

* The great, almighty, one and only Bungholio *

* I have no bunghole *

I have Cornholio in my bunghole.

[snickers] Yeah, pretty cool.

[night bird hoots]

[snickers] Yeah. Yeah.

I am Cornholio.

Have you seen the almighty bunghole?

[snickers]

Lead me to the almighty bunghole.

- Oh.

Get in that barn, boy.

[chuckles]

- Do you have candy?

Do you have TP?

- Oh, yeah.

[chuckles] Oh. Oh.

I got lots of goodies in-- in the barn.

Oh, yeah.

Oh.

Take a looksee. [laughs]

- In this barn there will be TP

and candy for my bunghole. [chuckles]

- [laughing]

[King Diamond's "The Family Ghost"]

* *

[both chuckling]

* *

- * The darkness came closer to home *

- Uh, uh-oh. [chuckles]

- Yeah.

[both snicker]

- This is horrible.

[both chuckle]

- I kind of feel sorry for these guys, you know,

'cause, um, I think it's probably not their fault

that they suck so much. [chuckles]

- Uh, yeah it is.

[chuckles]

- Yeah. [both snicker]

* *

- Uh, wow. [chuckles]

This might be the worst crap I've ever seen in my life.

- Yeah. [snickers]

You know, um, this guy kind of looks like, um--

kind of looks like that dude on "Sesame Street," the Count.

- Yeah.

[both chuckle]

It's like, a one-a, a two-a,

three-a, four butt knockers.

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

- [snickers]

- Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

- [chuckles]

- Oh, boy.

* *

This is really sad. [both chuckle]

It's probably like, you know, has kids and stuff.

And he's like, OK, kids, I got to put on my makeup

and go do another show.

- Yeah, yeah. You know--

you know, it's too bad really.

[chuckling]

Yeah.

[wind howling]

- [snickering]

Ow.

Hey. Hey.

Hey, what's going on?

Whoa. [snickers]

Cool. [chickens clucking]

Ow. Hey, what is this thing?

This hurts. Ow!

[door creaks]

- [laughs]

- [chuckling]

[dramatic music]

* *

- Hey. Hey.

Hey, Butt-Head. Come on, get me down.

We'll go get some more candy. Come on, let's go.

Come on, Butt-Head, let's get out of here.

[both chuckling]

- There's a time to reap and a time to sow.

[chainsaws buzzing]

- This is gonna be cool.

- Oh, yeah.

This is liable to get messy.

- Stop it. Stop it.

* *

Come on, Butt-Head.

Ahh!

[chainsaws buzzing] [chuckling]

No!

[screams]

* *

[door creaks]

[bluesy rock music]

* *