06x02 - The Mystery of Morning Wood

[bunniefuu]

[chuckling]

[bluesy rock music]

♪ ♪

- Your assignment this weekend, class,

is to think of something that is a mystery to you

and see if you can solve it, okay?

Now let's use the last few minutes of class today

to decide on your topic.

[both chuckling]

- Oh, boy. [chuckles]

- So have you guys decided on a mystery yet?

- Uh, no, we're not gonna do it.

- Yeah, yeah, it sounds too hard.

I just like to relax on the weekend, you know?

[chuckles]

- Come on, guys, this should be easy.

There's mysterious things happening around us every day.

You know, some people have become rich and famous

just by solving mysteries.

For example, this morning, would there be anything

that you didn't understand or found interesting?

- [chuckles] He said morning wood.

- Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, he did, didn't he?

Morning wood. [chuckles]

- Hmm, it's kind of racy, but I have to agree.

It is a bit of a mystery.

Okay, I'll approve your idea about morning wood,

but only if you take it seriously, okay?

And approach your topic from a scientific standpoint.

- [chuckles]

Hey, Beavis, if we discover the mystery of morning wood,

we will be famous the world over.

[both chuckling]

[Juliana Hatfield's "What a Life."]

[upbeat rock music]

- Whoa, check it out,

someone's getting on a chair, Butt-Head.

Maybe there's gonna be a hanging.

- Uh, it's just someone standing on a chair, Beavis.

You automatically think someone's gonna hang himself?

[chuckles]

- Uh, yeah, I guess I'm just-- whoa!

I just saw a boob, Butt-Head! Check it out!

- You always think you're seeing a boob like that.

It was probably just an elbow or something.

- No way, Butt-Head. It was a boob.

- Well, so what?

You only saw it for, like, a second or something.

What's so great about that? [chuckles]

- Well, a second is better than nothing.

♪ ♪

- No, it isn't. It sucks.

- Damn it, Butt-Head, why do you always have

to tear down everything good in my life?

- 'Cause your life sucks, Beavis.

Your life sucks, and nobody likes you.

- Really? [chuckles]

I don't really give a crap.

- You don't have any friends. [chuckles]

- I have a little special friend.

[chuckles] Boing-oing-oing.

[giggles] - Yeah, shut up, Beavis.

Your special friend probably hates you too.

- No way, Butt-Head, you wish.

[chuckling]

Ah, she's got blood in her eye!

Ooh, this is freaky, Butt-Head.

I don't want to watch this. Come on, change it.

- Beavis, you're a wuss.

- Damn it. Someone should help her.

They should just, like, stop having the video

and just, like, go help her. She's all b*at up.

I, like, feel all sorry for her and stuff.

It's kind of freaking me out. [chuckles]

[both chuckling]

[knocking]

- Hey, guys, what's happening?

- Uh, we need some of your, like, scientific stuff.

- Yeah, yeah, we're, like, doing a scientific experiment,

and we're gonna need to take some of your stuff, yeah.

- Wow, cool. What are you doing?

- Um, we're gonna find out how come, like,

you know, in the morning-- ow!

- Shut up, dumbass. It's top-secret.

- Oh, yeah, sorry about that.

- Uh, we can't tell you 'cause, like,

then we'd have to k*ll you. - Yeah.

But once we're, like, rich and famous,

then we'll k*ll you-- I mean tell you.

- Come on, Beavis.

Let's get the stuff and get out of here.

- So, um, what do you think makes it happen?

[chuckles]

- Uh, I don't know.

That's why we're doing this, dumbass.

- Um, 'cause I was thinking, like, maybe there's, like,

a morning wood fairy, you know, like the tooth fairy.

[chuckles]

- Morning wood fairy? [chuckles]

You mean like with a magic wand or something?

- Um, yeah. Little wand.

- Damn it, Beavis, stop screwing around.

We've got scientific work to do.

Besides, there's no such thing as fairies.

Fairies are for dill holes.

- Well, that fairy in "Peter Pan"

had a pretty nice butt. Yeah, gave me a boner.

- Jus think, Beavis.

By the time the sun comes up,

we will have solved the mystery of morning wood.

We could rule the world. - Yeah, yeah.

We're gonna be rich! [chuckles]

And get chicks, yeah.

- Uh, are you sure we've got everything?

- Um, yeah.

We've got, like, Stewart's science stuff

and some food and, um, some stuff.

[chuckles]

- Uh, what's that?

- Uh, what, um, nothing. [giggles]

- Come on. Give me that, Beavis.

- No! [chuckles]

- Whoa, cool. "Spank" magazine.

- Yeah, April.

- Cool. - Yeah.

[chuckle] Fine. Check out page .

[chuckles]

- Ugh.

Damn it, Beavis, this isn't scientific.

It'll only give us artificial stiffies.

- Oh, yeah.

- Now we've got serious work to do.

Whatever you do, don't fall asleep.

- Oh, yeah, yeah. Okay, here we go.

[TV speaker indistinctly]

- [chuckles]

[both snoring]

["Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy"]

- [laughing]

♪ ♪

[continues laughing]

♪ ♪

[boinging]

♪ ♪

[Rail Road Jerk's "Rollerkoaster"]

- Whoa, is she Chinese?

- I think that's that Connie Schlong chick

that called the president's mom a bitch on TV.

- Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[rock music]

- Uh, a carboard box. [chuckles]

- Okay, okay, I'll be the mouthpiece this time

for the youth speak, but sex, sex--

- Butt sex? [chuckles]

- ♪ Just fine ♪

♪ I got mine ♪

♪ She's so fine ♪

- How come that guy's wearing his mom's coat?

- Uh, I think that's your mom's coat, Beavis.

[chuckles]

I think he's wearing it to show that he did her.

- Oh, oh, yeah. What a slut.

[chuckling]

Whoa, look, they're all wearing 'em.

- I have one of those coats in my closet right now.

- You know, you should go easy on my mom, Butt-Head.

- Isn't she already easy enough?

- Enough!

- ♪ I'm not ♪

- Um, I'd like to talk about roller coasters for a minute.

- Uh, okay, Beavis.

- Um, you know, like, sometimes when you're

on a roller coaster and it feels like your nads

are floating inside your sack? - Uh, yeah.

- Well, that gives me a special feeling.

I also get that on elevators sometimes.

- Uh, oh, yeah, me too.

I kind of get a special feeling in my butt cheeks

when an elevator goes down. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[chuckling]

- ♪ Let's go ♪

♪ Well, it's a roller coaster ♪

- Uh, that looks kind of like Conan O'Brien

- Oh, yeah.

I hear he has a gigantic schlong.

- Uh, no, you're thinking of me, Beavis.

- Um, no, I was thinking of me actually.

Boing-oing-oing.

- ♪ I'm not worried, no ♪

[TV set droning]

["The Star-Spangled Banner"]

- Uh, ah! - Uh, uh, uh.

Hey, Butt-Head, I got morning wood.

What happened?

- Uh, I had a dream about page .

Did you see anything?

- Um, no.

I had a dream I got a stiffy. [chuckling]

- Uh, hmm.

Maybe morning wood is supposed to be a mystery.

If, like, the secret is too dangerous.

- Yeah, you know, it's like I'm just glad it happens.

[chuckles] - Yeah.

[chuckles]

I never wanted to be a scientist anyways.

Science sucks. - Yeah, really.

Let's go break something. - Yeah.

[both chuckling]

Uh, like, maybe later.

- Oh, yeah.

[energetic rock music]

Boing-oing-oing-oing.

[laughs]

[Silverchair's "Tomorrow"]

[upbeat rock music]

- ♪ More than a feeling ♪

- ♪ It's twelve o'clock ♪

- ♪ I woke up this morning, the sun was gone ♪

- ♪ Close my eyes, and it slipped away ♪

[chuckling]

♪ ♪

- That song's stupid. - [giggles]

Yeah. [chuckles]

♪ ♪

- ♪ The only way ♪

- Hey, get a haircut, hippy! - Yeah.

This isn't the 's, dill hole.

[chuckles] - Yeah, yeah.

My uncle didn't go to Vietnam

just so you could walk around with long hippy boy hair

with your shirt off, damn it.

- Uh, your uncle never went to Vietnam, Beavis.

He was in jail. - I know. I know.

That's what I said.

My uncle didn't go to Vietnam so you could have long hair.

See? That's what I meant.

- You're a stupid, dumb bunghole, Beavis.

- I am not. Shut up, Butt-Head.

♪ ♪

- I think this is supposed to be, like, freaking us out,

but I'm unfreaked. - Yeah, yeah, really.

- In fact, this video is, like,

making me feel totally normal.

- Yeah, yeah, I mean, this is, you know,

just a normal video like you always see, really.

- Yeah, if like, you know, if I turned on the TV

and this was on, I'd just go like,

"Yep, that's what I thought I was gonna see."

[chuckling]

[bluesy rock music]

♪ ♪