06x03 - U.S. History

[bunniefuu]

[chuckling]

[bluesy rock music]

* *

- And when this magic b*llet went

into the president's chest,

it had to make a sharp turn in order to exit his body

from the neck.

Then it would've had to turn right, then left,

and somehow have enough energy to hit the governor

in the front seat.

Clearly the assassination was a conspiracy.

- Thank you, Daria.

That gave me the chills.

People, these have been some of the best oral reports

I've ever heard.

- [chuckles]

Oral. [both laugh]

- I'm gonna do an a**l report.

- Let's see, the last two people we've yet

to hear from are Beavis and Butt-Head.

It's time for your reports

on a historical American figure.

- Uh... - Um. [chortles]

- Now Beavis and Butt-Head, if you don't give your reports,

I'll be forced to give you both Fs for the semester, okay?

- Uh, okay.

- [laughs] Yeah. Yes, that's cool.

[sniggling] F--f--f--

- An F would mean being left back.

Repeating the ninth grade?

- Uh, let's see.

Uh, after nine is eight, nine, ten.

Whoa, Beavis.

That means we won't have to be in the tenth grade.

[both laugh] - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, that's cool.

- You guys'll never graduate.

- Uh, never masturbate?

[chuckles] - Graduate.

It's when you're all done with school.

- Um, you mean, like, school ends?

- That's right, Beavis. When you graduate,

you'll never have to attend another class again

if you don't want to.

But that's not gonna happen

unless you pass American history,

which means you need to give your oral report right now.

Okay? - Uh, excuse me?

Uh, I have an oral report.

- No way. Me first. [both snicker]

- Shut up, Beavis. It's my turn.

- No way, Butt-Head! Not this time!

Um, my a**l report is about, um--

I mean, my oral report is about, um--

um, yeah. [laughs]

Uh, okay. Um.

Um, it's, um-- it's about, um...

[chortles] Um.

- Beavis, are you not prepared?

- No, wait, wait, wait.

My report is on the time me and Butt-Head had, um--

had, like, dinner and stuff, yeah.

- [groans creepily] - Now Beavis,

what does that have to do with American history?

- Shut up! I'm not done yet.

[laughs] Yeah.

- Beavis, this better be educational, okay?

- Um, okay.

So, like, um, once upon a time,

um, I mean, um, like, last week,

um, we were gonna, like, um, eat.

- [laughs]

- Hey, what are you doing? - [chuckles]

Look. [both chortling]

- Oh, yeah.

[both laugh]

Yeah, that was cool.

I mean, uh-- I mean, that was, um,

educational, yeah, yeah.

And then--and then we were, um, sitting there,

um, and then, um.

- Hey, Beavis. [both chomping]

If you, like, look at the window,

you can stare at chicks, and they can't see you.

- [laughs] Really? Cool.

Um.

[sniggling]

It's not working.

- No, dumbass. Over there.

- Oh, yeah. [chuckles]

This is cool.

[chuckling]

Um, that dinner, um, like, changed my life and stuff.

Yeah, and it--and, like, I'll never forget it.

[both chortle]

Yeah, um, the end.

- Beavis, that was the worst report

I have ever heard.

What did your report have to do with American history?

- Um, well, it happened last week.

And um, and it was, like, in America.

Yeah, so it's, like, history. - [chuckles]

- Yeah. Pretty cool.

[chortles] Thank you very much.

- Well, for making an effort, Beavis,

albeit a very weak one,

I'm going to give you a D-minus.

- Yes! Cool.

- Whoa, that ruled.

- Now Butt-Head, please make your report

about a figure in American history.

- Uh, okay.

Uh, my report is, uh--

my report is about the time I kicked Beavis

in the 'nads and he was, like, passed out all day.

[snickers] - [laughs] Oh, yeah.

- Butt-Head.

- He, like, turned blue and stopped breathing.

- Butt-Head.

- Then, like, he couldn't remember his name.

- All right, Butt-Head. I'll give you a D-minus, okay?

- [laughs] The end.

We're gonna graduate.

[both laugh]

- Yeah.

* *

- Hey, Butt-Head. I was just thinking--

- Shut up, Beavis. - Oh, my God.

- You may be about to see the coolest video

you have ever seen in your life.

- Oh. - Now Beavis,

uh-- - Um.

- Beavis? - Oh.

Oh!

- Uh, Beavis?

- Oh.

[Wax's "Southern California"]

Oh. - * Ain't got no speakers *

[laughs] - This guy's probably just,

like, a stuntman or something.

- Oh, no. - I bet he's not even

in the band. - Oh, no.

- * Leaving it for you * - [screeches]

- Like, what's the song supposed to be about anyways?

- * Could be by for you *

- Oh. [both chuckle]

- Whoa. - Oh.

- Uh, look at that dude back there.

- [guffaws] Oh.

- Uh, Beavis.

- Oh, oh.

- Beavis? Are you there?

- [chortles]

- Beavis, what's your problem?

- Oh. Oh, no.

- * Smog isn't blue *

- Oh.

- Beavis, it's not even real.

It's just, like, special effects.

- Ah. - [laughs]

- Oh, no.

Oh, no.

Oh. - This is cool.

- Oh. - This is a damn good video.

[both chuckle]

- Uh. - Ah.

- It's, like, uh-- - Ah.

- Beavis, are you gonna say anything?

- No.

- Damn it, Beavis. Snap out of it.

Dumbass.

I'm gonna change the channel. - Butt-Head.

I'm only gonna tell you this once.

If you touch that remote,

I'm gonna kick your ass.

- Yeah, right. - Oh.

- Damn it, Beavis. Snap out of it right now.

- * Southern California *

- Aah!

Oh, what happened? Where am I? [chuckles]

- Uh, you're right here, Beavis.

- * Southern California *

- What's your problem? - Oh.

I just, like--I just, like, blacked out or something.

What's goin' on?

- We just saw a dude running around on fire.

- No way! Really? And I missed it?

- Uh, no, you saw the whole thing, dumbass.

- Wow. [laughs]

I don't know. I wasn't here.

[bluesy rock music]

* *