06x11 - Stewart is Missing

[bunniefuu]

[chuckling]

[bluesy rock music]

* *

- OK, now!

And two, and feels good.

And five.

And six and deep.

And eight. And feel the burn.

Yeah! - Yeah, I feel it.

Yeah, I feel it. [snickers]

Yeah, ahh. [knocks on door]

Hey, what was that?

- [chuckles]

It's Woodrow.

He's knocking.

Whoa! - Slowly.

Mm.

- Any way you want it, baby.

[knocks on door]

Get the door, Beavis. [chuckles]

- Mm.

- Ooh, ahh.

I'm busy. You get it.

[knocks on door]

- Get the door, nutsack!

- OK!

Now, let's do some arms.

- Damn it, I'll get it.

[chuckles]

- [sniffles] Oh, Butt-head.

I think something terrible has happened to Stewart.

[sniffles] Have you seen him?

- Uh, no.

[door slams]

[upbeat electronic music on TV]

[chuckles] Damn it.

Now I have to start all over.

[chuckling]

Uh...

you know, I don't, like, say this very often,

but, uh, this sucks.

- Hey, guys, how you doin'?

- Yeah, yeah. Um--

you say that all the time, actually, Butt-Head.

- Uh, oh, yeah.

[both chuckling]

- Well, are we gonna dance, or are we gonna play?

[Poison's "Unskinny Bop"]

[chuckling]

- Poison.

- [snickers]

Yeah, yeah.

And to think that this dude used to boff Pamela Anderson.

- Uh...[chuckles]

Like that would ever happen.

- Um, I think it did happen.

Yeah.

Um, but anyways, um, yeah.

She was on this thing with, um, this guy.

His name's, um, Anthony Roberts.

And, like, he has these tapes and these things.

And he, like, talks to you and, like,

makes you feel all good.

And she watched him.

And then now she has huge hooters,

and she's on TV.

Yeah, it's pretty cool.

I was thinking of getting some of those tapes.

- Uh, yeah.

You'd look good with big hooters, Beavis.

[chuckles] - Shut up, Butt-Head.

You know that's not what I meant.

[chuckling] - * Unskinny bop, bop *

* All night and day, yeah *

- You know who else Pamela Anderson boffed

is, um, Scott Baio.

- Uh, really?

[chuckles]

You know, uh, this Poison dude

kind of looks like Pamela Anderson.

- Yeah. You know, I was thinking,

you know, if he got some hooters,

maybe he could be on "Baywatch," you know, 'cause--

since his career sucks now, you know, since,

you know, he probably doesn't have a job.

[chuckling]

- I'm sorry to be bothering you boys,

but this is an emergency.

- Is your house on fire?

- It's Stewart.

He was supposed to come home for lunch

more than an hour ago. [sniffles]

It's not like Stewart to miss lunch.

- [chuckles]

I'll bet.

- Yeah, he's fat.

- I've looked all over, and I can't find him.

- Uh, maybe he's in the bathroom.

- He's been gone for hours.

[sobbing]

- Uh, maybe he has diarrhea.

- He does not have diarrhea.

I'm his mother.

I would know if he had diarrhea.

- Uh, OK.

- Oh, my poor Stewart!

What could have happened to him?

- Um, maybe somebody k*lled him

and buried him in a shallow grave.

- Oh, no! [sobbing]

- Um, um, what's the matter?

[snickers]

- [sniffles] Oh, thank you, boys.

Thank you for helping me find my Stewart.

- Um, there's a reward, right?

- I would give anything to find my Stewart.

- Uh, anything?

[fart noise]

[dreamy harp music]

[slurps]

[chuckling] - Yeah.

- [sniffles] What are you boys thinking?

[expl*si*n] Do you have an idea?

You know where he is, don't you?

- Who?

- Stewart, my little Stewart.

- You have a little Stewart too?

- Um, have you looked in the garbage can?

- [gasps] Oh, no!

[sobbing]

- Beavis, you dumbass.

Why'd you tell her that?

- I don't know.

You know, I'm just trying to help.

[chuckles] - [sobbing]

- Stewart doesn't fit in a garbage can, dumbass.

Remember?

- Um, oh, yeah, yeah.

- If you wanted to put Stewart in a garbage can,

you'd have to, like, cut him up into little pieces.

- Oh, no! - Yeah.

- For God's sake, no.

[sobbing]

- Now, the important thing is to remain calm.

Keep a positive mental attitude.

Have faith that Stewart is all right

and no harm has come to him.

- Uh, if you say so. [chuckles]

- Now, I'd appreciate it if you guys could help me

distribute these around the neighborhood.

- Whoa. [chuckles]

So there is a reward.

- Yes. Yes, of course.

- Cool.

- Yeah, rewards are cool.

Yeah.

[both chuckling]

Yeah.

[both snickering]

Oh, yeah.

[both chuckling]

[engine rumbles]

- Excuse me, young men,

could I ask you a couple of questions?

- Whoa! [chuckles]

Is this on TV?

Hey, my name is Butt-Head.

And, uh--

- Could you just answer the question, please?

Butt-Head, you knew Stewart.

Do you think it's possible he ran away?

- Uh, yeah.

- And why is that?

- He's a dork.

- Yeah, yeah.

Um, he's a dork!

Yeah. [snickers]

How's it goin'?

[Circle Jerks' "I Wanna Destroy You"]

* *

These guys are in a trash truck.

- Yeah. [chuckles]

Somebody probably threw them away.

- * I wanna destroy you *

- Uh, who are these guys?

- Um, I think it's the Village People.

- Uh, oh, yeah.

- Well, I'll be hornswoggled and dipped in turds.

- * And tell you your opinions *

* And they're very good indeed *

* I *

- This guy keeps saying, "I want to destroy you."

- Yeah, yeah. It's like, um,

you know, they got some pretty good lyrics, you know?

Seems like it must be pretty hard to just

come up with stuff like that.

- Uh, yeah.

But, you know, I bet if I was making as much money

as these guys probably make, I bet I could do it too.

- Um, I don't know, Butt-Head.

[snickers] I don't know.

I mean, you're kind of stupid. I don't know.

- Shut up, Beavis.

I could come up with stuff like this.

- OK.

Let's see you write a song. Come on.

- Uh, OK.

Uh, let's see.

Uh, I want to hit you.

- Um, uh-huh.

- Then I want to kick you.

- [snickers]

- And then I want to smack you across the face.

[both chuckle]

Uh, and then I want some nachos.

- Uh-huh.

- Baby.

- Whoa!

That's pretty good, Butt-Head.

We should start a band.

- Yeah.

- Yeah, that'd be cool.

- Oh, my poor, dear Stewart!

Oh, please, God, help us find him.

- So, like, um, you give up yet?

- Yeah. [chuckles]

We're tired.

- [sighs]

Well, it is getting dark.

Let's go home, get flashlights,

and meet back here in minutes, OK?

- Yeah, let's go home.

[chuckles]

- Um, where's the flashlight?

- Uh, I think it's in the closet.

[chuckles]

[thump]

Whoa.

Uh, uh-oh.

- Oh, yeah, yeah.

- Phew, I thought you guys forgot about me.

- Uh, you better go home, Stewart.

- Yeah, you're in trouble.

[heavy metal music]

* *

[Tricky's "Black Steel"]

- Uh...

uh, hey, it's that dude.

- Um, uh, what dude?

- You know, that pilot dude.

[chuckles]

That one who was, like, in a plane,

and he got sh*t down over Bogna-Herzenoslovegnia.

[both chuckle]

And he's, like, a hero and stuff

'cause he k*lled all these enemies.

And then he lived off bugs for a whole year.

- He lived off bugs?

- Yeah.

That was all he could get to eat 'cause, like,

you know, it was somewhere over in Europe.

And they don't have Burger World.

- Wow, that's cool, you know, 'cause, um,

I've gone for a few days like that, you know?

But then I usually, like, have some nachos

and stuff in between meals.

So it doesn't really count. - Yeah.

- * I contemplated a plan on the cell floor *

* I'm not a fugitive on the run *

* But a brother like me began to be another one *

- Uh, she just called herself a brother.

- Yeah, yeah, I mean,

she's calling herself a brother,

and, um, she's not a dude

and she's not even Black.

- Uh, yeah, she is.

She's, like, you know, one of the Cosby kids.

- Oh, oh, yeah.

So I guess--OK.

So I guess she is Black.

[chuckling] - * I got a letter *

* I got a letter *

- I think the message of this video

is, like, that the Army kicks ass.

- Yeah, yeah.

Today's Army trains you with the skills you need

to get ahead in today's world.

[chuckling]

That's cool.

[bluesy rock music]

* *