06x16 - Yard Sale

[bunniefuu]

[both chuckling]

[mellow rock music]

* *

[both chuckling]

- Whoa.

Think of the things we could do with this.

- Yeah, cool.

Waahh!

- Boys, I can give you a real good deal

on that there bushwhacker.

- Bush.

- Whacker.

[phone ringing]

- Uh, just a second, boys.

Y'ello. - Tom Anderson?

- Speaking. - Hey, Tom.

This is Bill. I need a favor.

The wife's colon is kicking up again,

and I got to take her to the hospital.

Can you come down to the Hall and watch the bar for an hour?

- Well, Bill, I wish I could.

But you see, I got this here yard sale going on and--

- Now, Tom, I'm asking you as one veteran to another.

You haven't forgotten our code of honor, have you?

- Well, I guess I could do it.

[both chuckling]

Say, boys, could I get you to watch

my yard sale for a while?

One of you could be selling while the other one

starts moving things inside.

- Uh, no.

- Yeah.

- Well, I'll tell you what.

I'll give you % of what you sell,

and I'll even throw in that there bushwhacker.

- Uh, OK.

- Yeah. - Cool.

[Juliana Hatfield's "Universal Heart-b*at"]

- Hey, that chick just spat, Butt-Head.

- Yeah.

That rules. - Um, yeah. It's pretty cool.

But, um, I don't know

if I'd want a chick to spit. You know?

Like, it's kind of disgusting on a chick.

- Uh, what do you think happens

when you make out with a chick, Beavis?

It's like, you get all her spit in your mouth and stuff.

- Ew! Really? Aah!

Blah! That's sickening.

- You dumbass.

Whoa.

This chick, like, kind of gives me a special feeling.

I'd do it with her. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I know. I know. So would I.

I'd do it with a lot of chicks on TV.

So what?

It's just never gonna happen, and I keep seeing 'em!

It's making me crazy!

- Settle down, Beavis.

- Damn it!

- * A heart that works *

- Ooh, she's kind of hot. - Yeah, yeah, I know.

So what? So what?

- Ooh, she looks good there.

- Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

See? Damn it.

It's like, I see 'em, I get a boner,

and then nothing happens!

- You need to settle down, Beavis.

- I know. See? See? There--there--

whoa, look, she's naked!

Aah! [muttering]

Whoa. - She's buck naked.

- Yeah.

- And she looks pretty good naked.

- Yeah! - Yeah.

- Yeah, now we're getting somewhere.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah. Ooh, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

- Ooh. - Yeah. Yeah.

- Ew!

- Oh, yeah. That's got to hurt.

- * A heart *

- Remember that time you got all sunburned,

and then your skin peeled, and you, like,

pulled it off and brought it to school and showed everybody?

- Oh, yeah. Yeah.

That kind of reminds me of the time I was, like,

trying to warm up my nads in the microwave.

- So, like, uh,

how do you just put your nads in the microwave

and not your schlong?

- Well, here. I'll show you.

You kinda like stand up like this and then--

- Aah! Sit down, Beavis.

I don't want to see how you did it.

- Well, you asked, bunghole.

- Uh, are you gonna buy something

or just touch everything?

- Well, I'm looking for a gift for our church rectory.

- Uh, did you say "rectum"?

- Oh, what a precious manger.

The pastor will love this.

But where's the baby Jesus?

- Uh, he's, like, bucks extra.

- Charging money for the baby Jesus?

That's sacrilege.

- He's naked.

- You can tell Tom Anderson he's going to hell for this.

- Whoa.

OK, I'll tell him. Uh--

- Hey, Butt-Head. Check it out.

He's got, like cooler stuff inside.

[slow country music]

Yeah, it even gets p*rn.

No extra charge, sir. Yeah.

- How much did you say you wanted?

- Uh, how much do you want to spend?

- Well, I've only got, uh, $ on me.

But I could write you a check.

- Uh, we only take cash.

But, uh, it just happens to be $.

[both chuckling]

- Yeah. - [grunts]

- Whoa.

Did you see that?

I took all his money.

What a dumbass. [both chuckling]

- Yeah.

Dumbass.

- How you doing, ma'am?

- Excuse me, young man.

Um, what's the price on these dishes?

- Um, bucks. Yeah, bucks.

- But this looks like fine china.

- Um, bucks-- take it or leave it.

- Uh, this table is, like, $.

- Hey, what about the four chairs?

- Uh, they're .

- Uh, how much for the set?

- Uh--uh, .

- Here you go.

- Hey, Beavis.

I'm, like, ripping these people off.

- Yeah, me too.

- They told me I'd be in the VA hospital for a week.

Hell, I was there for nearly nine months.

They took out my intestines, my bladder, my kidney,

and part of my organ.

Oh, you should have seen it.

- Well, that's some tough luck, Sarge.

I wish there was something I could do.

- Well, how about pouring me a sh*t of whiskey.

Numb the pain, you know?

I just want to numb the pain.

- All right.

Well, that'll be two big ones.

- Yeah, put it on my tab.

I'm good for it, you know?

- Sorry, buddy. No can do.

We got something around here called the code of honor.

- Hmm, a Purple Heart from Korea.

You got to be wounded to get one of these.

- Um, oh, yeah. Yeah.

I was sh*t in the butt.

bucks.

- Yo, Ma, can you make some lemonade for the fellas?

- I've seen this video before.

It sucks. - * I need some leverage *

- Wow! I was just thinking the same thing,

and then you said it.

You must, like, read minds or something.

- Uh, yeah. I can do that.

I have, like, uh, ESPN.

- Whoa, really?

That's cool. - Yeah.

- * Yeah, yeah, feeling golden *

- I knew you were gonna say that.

- Wow. So what am I gonna say next?

- Uh, you're going to say, "yeah, huh-huh-huh-huh-huh."

- Yeah, ha-ha-ha-ha.

Wow! You did it again!

That's cool!

- I knew you were gonna say that too.

- Um, OK. Let's try it one more time.

OK, I'm going to think about something.

- Uh, OK.

Um, mm.

Damn it, Beavis.

- Aah! Ow! Ow! Ow!

Cut it out, butthole!

- Don't ever think about that again.

- Wow, this is really cool. OK, let me do it now.

OK, you think of something. - Uh, OK.

- * The heat is getting old *

* Yeah, I'll have a beverage, just make sure it's cold *

- Um, you're thinking about, um--is it some flies?

- No.

- Um--um, is it a suitcase of some kind?

- Uh, no.

- Let me see. You're thinking of, um--

are you thinking you're gonna smack me?

- No, but that's not a bad idea.

- Aah! Ow! Ow! Ow!

- Boys, you did one hell of a job cleaning this junk out.

You must have been selling like real pros.

- Yeah, we ripped people off.

- Well, you can have that bushwhacker.

And I guess I owe you %.

Let's see.

That would be $.

- Uh, weren't we supposed to get, like, $?

- Yeah.

- Well, maybe you boys need to brush up

on your business sense.

Now, a deal is a deal, and I expect you to honor it.

- What a rip-off.

- Yeah, he really screwed us.

- Yeah, and now he's rich.

- What in the hell?

[cricket chirping]

[saw buzzing]

[heavy metal music]

* *

[Shaggy's "Boombastic"]

- * Mr. Boombastic *

- Yeah, yeah. Yeah, bum-bastic.

Yeah, here it is!

- * Romantic, fantastic lova * Shaggy.

- [as Shaggy] Mr. Romantic. Mr. Bum-bastic.

- * I'm Mr. Lover Lover *

- Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.

[as Shaggy] Romantic, bum-bastic.

[muttering gibberish]

- * She call me Mr. Boombastic *

* Tell me fantastic * - Bum-bastic.

Yeah. Bum-bastic. Be bum-bastic.

What does "bum-bastic" mean, anyway?

- * She says I'm Mr. Ro-- *

- Uh, well, it's like bombastic is, like,

even better than fantastic. - Uh-huh.

- You know, like, if you were scoring,

you'd be like, "Uh, this is bombastic."

- Yeah. Um, really? Hmm.

I always imagine, you know, like,

if I was ever gonna score, you know,

I'd be, like, going, uh, "Yay-yeah, ooh-ah."

[muttering gibberish]

"Tap that ass."

You know, stuff like that.

- Really?

If I ever score, I'm gonna be going,

[as Shaggy] "This is fantastic, Mr. Bum-bastic."

- Smooth.

- * She touch me on my back. She says I'm-- *

- What is this, um-- this accent he's talking?

- * Tell me fantastic * - Dumbass, it's foreign.

- Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah, thanks.

- * Romantic, tell me fantastic *

* She touch me on my back * - Mm!

- Damn it, Beavis, cut that out.

- [as Shaggy] Bum-bastic Mr. Fantastic.

Yeah.

[both chuckling]

[mellow rock music]

* *