A Christmas Story Live! (2017)

[bunniefuu]

♪ There's something stirring

something crackling

like firewood

a certain spirit that ♪

♪ is lighting up the

neighborhood

I think it's time

for the timeless ♪

♪ time of the year

you're bundled up

got a blizzard

coming on the way ♪

♪ the family fighting like

they do because

it's the holidays

and every memory ♪

♪ you're holding

in your heart

is alive once more

right here ♪

♪ feels like you're

a kid again

making you remember

when life was good ♪

♪ just watching the

snow fall down

doesn't matter if

the year's got you ♪

♪ feeling down

just remember in december

what is coming around and

you'll find the feeling ♪

♪ that you've always found

you can count on christmas

count on christmas

comin' back home ♪

♪ to the old address

something burning

in the kitchen

with the house a mess ♪

♪ and this year

is promising

nothing less

you can count on christmas ♪

♪ count on christmas

yeah yeah yeah oh

yeah yeah yeah oh

yeah yeah yeah yeah ♪

♪ count on christmas

count on christmas

we got a christmas song

singalong around the tree ♪

♪ keep the eggnog flowing

till we're all tipsy

there's another

movie marathon on tv ♪

♪ which one could it be?

But with all

of the presents

all of the gifts ♪

♪ it's really about

who you're

sharing them with

and just for christmas eve ♪

♪ the world's the way

it used to be

doesn't matter

if the year's ♪

♪ got you feeling down

just remember in december

what is coming around

and you'll find the feeling ♪

♪ that you've always found

you can count on christmas

count on christmas

waiting up late ♪

♪ hear the jingle bells ring

santa claus is coming

what's he gonna bring?

There's a little bit ♪

♪ of magic to everything

you can count on christmas

count on christmas

yeah yeah yeah oh ♪

♪ yeah yeah yeah oh

yeah yeah yeah yeah

count on christmas

count on christmas ♪

♪ doesn't matter

if the year's

got you feeling down

just remember in december ♪

♪ what is coming around

and you'll find the feeling

that you've always found

you can count on christmas ♪

♪ count on christmas

yeah yeah yeah

♪♪

[ Applause ]

>> Merry christmas!

♪ ♪

>> Narrator: Yep, it's that time

of year again.

I've been through my fair share

of christmases by now and I

think it's safe to say that some

things about the holidays never

change.

>> Thank you kindly.

>> Narrator: Like I was saying,

some things never change.

Snow comes down, your weight

goes up.

You get to spend time with the

family you love and you're

forced to spend time with the

rest of them, too.

It was like that decades ago,

and it'll be like that decades

from now.

But no matter the year, there's

always that magic in the air,

like something special's bound

to happen.

>> Narrator: I guess it's safe

to say that everyone has a

christmas story.

This is mine.

♪ Deck the halls

with boughs of holly ♪

♪ fa la la la la

la la la la ♪

♪ 'tis the season

to be jolly ♪

♪ fa la la la la

la la la la ♪

♪ don we now our gay apparel ♪

♪ fa la la la la

la la la la ♪

♪ troll the ancient

yuletide carol ♪

♪ fa la la la la

la la la la ♪

>> Narrator: My story happened

in an exotic place called

hohman, indiana, where the state

line ends abruptly in the icy,

detergent-filled waters of

lake michigan.

Back in the day, lake michigan

was so polluted you could run

halfway to milwaukee before you

sank to the bottom.

Down in hohman, we'd already had

our first snow by early

december.

>> Narrator: And winter was just

beginning.

In a few weeks we'd be walking

to school in howling winds,

leaning forward like hood

ornaments.

But right about now, all we

could hear was the building

excitement, like a faint,

far off chorus.

>> Narrator: Yeah, like that.

>> Narrator: The building

excitement that christmas was on

its way.

Lovely, glorious christmas,

filled with the quiet spirit of

peace on earth.

>> Ralphie!

>> Narrator: And good will

toward men.

>> Ralphie, where are you?

>> Narrator: There it is.

The house on cleveland street.

>> Ralphie!

>> I'm upstairs, mom!

>> Well then come downstairs!

Randy, sweetie, we have to go!

>> Narrator: My mother, trying

in vain to get me and my kid

brother randy out of the house

and on our way.

>> Vroom, vroom!

>> Randy, have you been there

this whole time?

I've been calling you.

We have to go.

>> Aw, mom!

>> You don't want to miss it, do

you?

Ralphie, what are you doing up

there?

>> I'm reading "boy's world!"

>> Mommy, is there a "girl's

world?"

>> No, sweetie.

We have to put up with "boy's

world."

Ralphie, put it away and come

downstairs!

>> Narrator: But how could I put

it away?

I was staring at a three-color,

full page, advertisement for the

greatest gift a boy could ever

hunger for.

And time was running out.

♪ Goodbye november

thanksgiving's gone ♪

♪ now every house you pass

has a plastic reindeer ♪

♪ on its lawn

>> ralphie!

Please!

♪ It's almost christmas

that's clear to see ♪

♪ and there's a

certain something ♪

♪ that I want beneath my tree

>> boys, your father will be

home any minute.

I thought I told you to put that

down.

Randy, why aren't your shoes on?

♪ This year

don't want ♪

♪ another plaid tie

this year ♪

♪ can't let my

chance pass by ♪

♪ and i'm running

out of time ♪

>> Ralphie, now!

♪ There's a gift I gotta get

and it all comes down ♪

♪ to christmas

I know the clock is set ♪

♪ and it all comes down

to christmas ♪

♪ i've got one sh*t

and it's 24 days away ♪

♪ I have to hurry up

'cause it all comes down ♪

♪ to christmas day

[ dogs barking ]

>> Get away! Shoo! Shoo!

>> Narrator: My old man.

>> Call 'em off! Bumpus!

>> Narrator: The bumpus hounds

from next door.

The bumpuses were backwoods kind

of folks, so low down on the

evolutionary chain

charles darwin classified them

as "your guess is as good as

mine."

>> Consarned cummerbits!

Rackin' fraking mangy mutts!

♪ I have a mission

I have a plan ♪

♪ I know to get that gift

i've really gotta ♪

♪ get to my old man

>> stupid hillbillies!

>> Frank, dear, we're waiting!

♪ And then there's mother

she can be tough ♪

♪ i'll drop a couple hints

maybe that'll be enough ♪

>> Ralphie we're going to be

late.

It starts at five!

>> C'mon, ralphie, we got to get

to higbee's!

>> Narrator: Ah, higbee's.

The high-water mark of the

pre-christmas season was the

unveiling of the window at

higbee's department store.

That window would now be packed

with gifts galore,including the

object of my constant yearning.

♪ This year

don't want a book ♪

♪ I won't read

this year ♪

♪ I know the thing

that I need ♪

♪ and i'm

running out of time ♪

♪ to higbee's

that window ♪

♪ we gotta go

not a second ♪

♪ can we spare 'cause

it all comes ♪

♪ down to christmas

we're pulling out ♪

♪ our hair 'cause

it all comes ♪

♪ down to christmas

we've got one sh*t and it's

♪ 24 days away ♪

We have to hurry up

♪ 'cause it all comes down ♪

To christmas day

♪ this year

I want a shiny red bike ♪

♪ I want a model toy plane

how 'bout a lionel train ♪

♪ this year

I want a wife who can cook ♪

♪ I want my kids

to earn a's ♪

♪ I hope they

give me that raise ♪

♪ and i'm running

out of time ♪

♪ we're getting

close to christmas ♪

♪ we're getting

close to christmas ♪

♪ there's only 24

it all comes down ♪

♪ to christmas days ♪

♪ to christmas day

>> hey!

♪ Jingle bells

jingle bells ♪

♪ jingle all the way

oh what fun ♪

♪ it is to ride in

a one horse open sleigh ♪

♪ we're scrimping

and we're saving ♪

♪ 'cause it all

comes down to christmas ♪

♪ we better start behaving

'cause it all ♪

♪ comes down to christmas

we've got one sh*t ♪

♪ and it's 24 days

away ♪

♪ thirty four

thousand ♪

♪ forty-nine minutes away ♪

♪ almost almost ♪

♪ christmas christmas day ♪

♪ we'll brave

the bitter weather ♪

♪ 'cause it all

comes down to christmas ♪

♪ and make it through together ♪

♪ 'cause it all

comes down to christmas ♪

♪ we've got one sh*t

and it's 24 days away ♪

♪ time is almost up

and it all comes down ♪

♪ to christmas

day ♪

♪ almost christmas

nearly ♪

♪ christmas day

♪♪

>> That's it!

That's it!

An official red ryder range

model carbine action bb g*n.

♪ Ah ♪

With a compass in the stock, and

this thing that tells time

>> it was the number one gift

that year.

Much to the consternation of

mothers and tin cans ever where.

>> Narrator: But the fever was

upon me.

For months, i'd thought about a

red ryder air r*fle.

Now, here it was!

The real thing!

♪ You don't need a steed

to be a cowboy ♪

♪ no, you're not

a hero just by ♪

♪ galloping off in the sun

what you really need ♪

♪ to be a cowboy

fearless ♪

♪ keepin' bandits

tremblin' on the run ♪

♪ is a red ryder

carbine action bb g*n ♪

>> Narrator: That's right, boys.

Take it from me, buckaroo bob.

If you want to keep your

homestead free of villains, I

give you -- old blue!

♪ See me standing guard

up at my window ♪

♪ i'll protect

the neighborhood ♪

♪ so outlaws are

always outdone ♪

♪ and i'll bombard

them from that window ♪

♪ show those weasels

how the wild west was won ♪

♪ bang bang

with a red ryder ♪

♪ carbine action bb g*n

my teacher could be ♪

♪ taken by a pack of g*ons

my class might be ♪

♪ invaded by raccoons

the kids would ♪

♪ hurry down the hall

as tigers try to ♪

♪ eat them all

but they would be okay ♪

♪ i'd swoop in

and save the day ♪

♪ and the girls would sigh

and say "oh, ralphie!" ♪

♪ when you're big

and brave like me ♪

♪ no bully can ever make fun

my mom is cryin' ♪

♪ "cowboy ralphie"

while my dad is yellin' ♪

♪ "that boy, he's my son"

with a red ryder ♪

♪ carbine action bb g*n

but it's almost nearly ♪

♪ getting close

counting down, ♪

♪ the clock is set

don't know how ♪

♪ don't know who

but I just know ♪

♪ I gotta get

a red ryder carbine ♪

♪ red ryder carbine

stock with a compass ♪

♪ with a compass in the stock!

Red ryder carbine action bb ♪

♪ g*n!

♪ The lines are

getting longer ♪

♪ 'cause it all

comes down to christmas ♪

♪ our drinks are

getting stronger ♪

♪ 'cause it all

comes down to christmas ♪

♪ i've got one sh*t

and it's 24 days away! ♪

♪ It all comes down

to christmas day! ♪

♪♪

[ Cheers and applause ]

>>> Over the past two weeks

everyone in southern california

has been deeply affected by the

catastrophic wild fires.

On behalf of the entire

production of "a christmas

story" live from the warner

brothers back lot in burbank,

california.

Please join us in honoring the

first responders who put their

lives on the lines.

♪ ♪

>> Shut up!

No, no, no, bumpus!

Call 'em off, call 'em off!

>> Narrator: 23 days 'till

christmas and my mission was

already well underway.

Only thing is, no one else in my

house knew it.

>> You are tuned to wxms,

broadcasting from central

indiana to the deep end of lake

michigan.

>> Boys, breakfast.

>> Tune in this evening at



who," brought to you by

chesterfield, the thinking

person's cigarette.

>> Goodness gracious, it's

freezing already, and december's

just begun.

>> In the news this morning,

democrats and republicans still

find it difficult to see eye to

eye on --

>> boys, breakfast!

Hurry, you'll both be late for

school.

>> Get out of my way, randy.

>> You get out of my way,

ralphie.

>> I was here first.

>> Was not.

>> Were, too.

>> Was not.

>> Were, too.

>> Was not.

>> Were, too.

>> Was not.

>> Were, too.

>> Shut up.

>> Hurry up now and eat.

So, boys, tell your father what

you want for christmas.

>> What?

Oh, yeah, go ahead.

>> Narrator: An opening!

Getting my old man's attention

wasn't easy.

Sometimes I wondered if he even

noticed me at all.

But here he was, asking the

question I most longed to be

asked in the whole wide world.

>> Well, dad, since you asked,

come to think of it --

>> what was that?

>> It sounded like the furnace

again, dear.

>> Narrator: And with that, my

dream went up in smoke.

>> Consarned, goobly-degooking,

rackling ash!

Farfangled-britches,

cobbler-gobling ding-grubbled --

who left skates on the steps?

>> Narrator: My old man was one

of the most feared furnace

fighters in northern indiana,

and the blue streak coming out

of his mouth was more than equal

to the blue smoke pouring out of

the furnace grate.

>> Who turned the damper down?

You have to leave it up.

Clinkers again.

Cob-globbering, tutten-fruitten

clinkers.

The fufulicking, fumulgating,

faarfignugin flopchockitty

furnace has gone out.

Do you have any idea how much

time I spend in that furnace

room?

>> About half as much time as I

spend in this kitchen?

>> Call the office and tell them

i'll be late.

>> Narrator: Profanity for us

kids was strictly verboten.

But my old man?

That day my father wove a

tapestry of obscenity that, as

far as we know, is still hanging

in space over lake michigan.

>> So, you boys didn't get a

chance to tell us what you want

for christmas?

>> Narrator: Another opening!

Now, I figured the old man would

never get me the g*n for

christmas anyway.

But maybe, just maybe, I could

convince my mother.

The red ryder wasn't just a

christmas present, it was a

necessity.

♪ Gotta find a subtle way

to say it

play it careful ♪

♪ don't seem desperate

or you're done

get the red ryder

carbine action bb g*n ♪

>> I want a toy zeppelin that

lights up and makes noises.

For school.

Ralphie?

>> Narrator: I knew the moment

called for nuance and

nonchalance.

But sometimes, you just --

>> an official red ryder carbine

action 200 sh*t range model air

r*fle with a compass in the

stock and --

>> narrator: Oh, no, my tongue

short-circuited my brain.

I was dead.

Even before she opened her

mouth, I knew what was coming.

>> Oh, ralphie.

You'll sh**t your eye out.

That deadly phrase, uttered many

times before and since by

mothers everywhere, was not

surmountable by any means known

to kid-dom.

>> Right.

I was just kidding.

I guess i'd like some tinker

toys.

>> Narrator: Tinker toys!

Nobody ever asks for tinker

toys, they're just given to you

automatically.

>> Come on, ralphie, time to get

ready for school.

>> Narrator: Mustn't give up.

Gotta think.

Mom out.

Dad out.

Who could I turn to next?

>> Come on, ralphie, put on your

things.

Here, randy, let me help you.

>> Mom, it's too cold to go to

school.

>> Narrator: There was no

question of staying home.

Cold in hohman was a fact of

nature, and as such, could not

be used in any fraudulent scheme

to stay out of school.

And preparing to go to school

was like preparing for extended

deep-sea diving.

>> What?

>> Aw, ma, we're gonna be late.

>> Just wait, ralphie.

>> Narrator: My kid brother

looked like a tick about to pop.

>> I can't put my arms down.

>> Narrator: Sometimes a mother

is the mother of invention.

>> You'll put your arms down

when you get to school.

Okay, now, go.

Work hard.

You can rest over christmas

vacation.

Good-bye, have a nice day.

>> Well, I showed that furnace a

thing or two.

Now where'd I put the mail?

>> Right here, dear.

>> Bills, bills, bills.

Hey, look, here it is.

Would you get that, honey,

please. Oh, yeah.

We've got bills.

We've got more bills.

We've got more bills.

Hey, look!

Here it is.

>> Narrator: This was the golden

age of the crossword puzzle, and

my old man was hooked.

Contest after contest, my old

man labored doggedly.

He entered them all, but this

was the farthest he'd ever

gotten.

>> What's wrong, dear?

>> What is the name of the lone

ranger's nephew's horse?

>> Victor.

His name is victor.

>> How did you know that?

>> Everybody knows that.

>> "Everybody knows that."

>> Is that another one of your

silly puzzles, dear?

>> Silly?

I have happened to make the

semifinals where I could make

$50,000 or a lot of valuable

prizes.

I just need to finish, get this

in the mail by tomorrow, and I

could be a winner.

>> Good luck, dear.

I believe in you, even if you're

not a winner.

♪ The wheels in my mind

just keep on spinning

another exhausting climb

uphill ♪

♪ I always come close to almost

winning ♪

♪ just focus and think

i'm practically there

if I could get ink

in each little square ♪

♪ i'd be the genius on cleveland

street ♪

>> Yeah.

♪ An intellectual elite

I could win an award

a trophy for all to see ♪

>> Imagine that.

♪ The genius on cleveland street

the guy the neighbors wanna

greet ♪

♪ that mental machine

the genius on cleveland street ♪

♪ i'm brimming with skill and

brains

and knowledge

i'm hardly a hum drum

average joe ♪

♪ so I didn't come

from some dumb college

but if this could work ♪

♪ well, then I could go

from "parker the jerk"

to "parker the pro" ♪

♪ oh, i'd be the genius

on cleveland street

the crackerjack

that can't be b*at ♪

♪ so smart it's obscene

the genius on cleveland street ♪

>> And now, ladies and

gentlemen, back to your favorite

quiz show, "are you a genius?"

And we'd like to welcome back

our listeners after that

exciting message from rinso, the

laundry soap guaranteed to get

lipstick out of any husband's

collar.

With rinso, it's easy to pretend

everything's fine.

And now, frank parker, you are

about to answer the question,

"are you a genius?"

[ Applause ]

You get to pick from three

subjects, and they are --

modern economic theory, culinary

delicacies of fascist italy, or

crosswords.

>> Crosswords, please.

>> Only two left to solve here.

Ready?

♪ Danish prince that

shakespeare penned

stabbed and poisoned

in the end ♪

>> Hamlet!

That's correct!

♪ Captain hook

he must destroy

tinkerbell's pal

forever a boy ♪

♪ peter -- ♪

>> Oh, god.

Three letters?

Peter -- and the wolf.

Peter the great.

Peter piper picked a peck of

pickled peppers.

Peter ilyich tchaikovsky.

Doesn't fit.

Saltpeter. Saint peter.

Saint petersburg.

Peter rabbit?

Hey, could you keep it down?

I'm trying to think.

Oh.

Peter pan.

♪ Mister parker

you're the best

no question, you're the best

we've ever seen ♪

♪ what a genius

on cleveland street

the genius on cleveland street ♪

♪ the whiz whose puzzle

is complete

it's somehow complete ♪

♪ if I send it in

and somehow I win

they'll see ♪

♪ i'm the genius

on cleveland street

the genius on cleveland street ♪

♪ who won't go down in defeat ♪

♪ let this be it

let this be the one

for the genius

on cleveland street ♪

♪♪

[ Applause ]

Everyone know rescue dogs are

super smart.

Our trainers agree.

The cats couldn't be happier.

And cogs, well, find their

forever family with one of our

trainers.

I guess you can say they have

their own christmas story.

Stay tuned for "a christmas

story" live.

>>> Narrator: Ah, the old

schoolyard.

I remember this place.

The laughter, the games.

The existential terror.

And I remember these.

I do not, however, remember what

was in them, though i'm sure it

was critical information at the

time.

>> Now listen, smartass.

I asked my old man about

sticking your tongue to a

flagpole, and he says it'll

stick to the pole, just like I

told you.

>> That's baloney.

What's your old man know about

anything?

>> My old man knows, 'cause he

once saw a guy stick his tongue

to a railroad track on a bet,

and the fire department had to

come and get his tongue unstuck.

>> Aw, you're full of beans, and

so's your old man.

>> Narrator: Schwartz and flick,

my two best friends.

>> Here they are.

Right where I left 'em

yesterday.

>> You leave your books here

overnight?

>> If I take 'em home, my mom

makes me open 'em.

>> That's dumb.

>> You're dumb.

>> Hey, fellas.

>> Narrator: My fellow wimps.

All for one, one for all.

>> I can't get up.

I can't get up.

I can't get up.

Ralphie, I can't get up.

Come on, ralphie, wait up!

Come on, guys!

>> Let's go, randy, it's cold

out here.

>> I can't.

I fell down and I can't get up.

>> Come on, flick, wait up for

me.

>> Go help your brother,

ralphie.

>> Oh, all right.

>> Narrator: Scut farkus and

grover dill.

The bully and his toady.

Scut farkus.

Even his name sounded mean and

dirty.

>> Come here, you wimp.

>> Oh, no.

>> Narrator: And scut farkus had

yellow eyes.

I swear he did.

These were the kind of meatheads

who grow up bashing in car

grills and becoming mafia hit

men or captains of industry.

>> Who's ready to say "uncle?"

>> Narrator: I don't need to

relive this part.

♪ On every playground

there's a w*r taking place

between the bullies

and the wimps that they chase ♪

♪ and if you're part of the pack

that's always under att*ck

you quickly learn

that you don't fight back ♪

♪ when you're a wimp

they know that you

don't have the guts ♪

♪ and you wait every day

to get kicked in the ♪

♪ you take it again

and again

when you're a wimp

when you're a wimp ♪

>> Okay, ralphie, say it.

>> Uncle.

>> I can't hear you.

>> Uncle, uncle, uncle!

♪ You do his homework

if a question is missed

you get to answer

to the pound of his fist ♪

♪ he gives that

threatening glance

and you start

wetting your pants ♪

♪ it's kinda clear

that you got no chance ♪

♪ when you're a wimp

you don't even

try to escape ♪

♪ when your last name

is schwartz

you get crushed

like a grape ♪

♪ you try to survive

'till you're 10 ♪

♪ when you're a wimp

when you're a wimp ♪

♪ but oh

the day you grow

it'll be sublime

at payback time ♪

♪ you'll stretch

six feet overnight

you'll pick

one heck of a fight ♪

♪ and finally slug

every thug in sight ♪

♪ when you're a wimp

you patiently wait

for the day ♪

♪ when the tables

have turned

and you're making

them pay ♪

♪ imagine how helpless

they'll seem

when you're twisting

their arms ♪

♪ 'till they scream, yeah

you gotta hold on

to that dream ♪

♪ when you're a wimp

when you're a wimp

when you're a wimp ♪

♪♪

>>> Narrator: Although I had

survived the wrath of the

feared, arm- twisting twosome,

there was no avoiding the fact

that the coveted air r*fle was

in serious jeopardy.

I couldn't even convince my own

mother I needed it.

I had to find another way.

Little did I know that i'd find

it in one of the unlikeliest

places in the whole world --

miss shields' classroom at

warren g. Harding elementary

school.

>> Take your seats, children.

Sit down, now.

Come on, come on, we haven't got

all day.

Class, quiet, please!

Class?

Quiet!

Good morning, class.

>> All: Good morning, miss

shields.

>> Good morning.

Now, children, our first

activity of the day will --

our first activity of the day --

our first activity --

>> narrator: We didn't have a

name for obsessive-compulsive

disorder yet, but I didn't judge

her, because she was pretty.

>> Now, our first activity will

be an in-class theme --

let me finish -- entitled "what

I want for christmas."

>> Narrator: Eureka!

If I could get miss shields to

sympathize with my plight, she

might phone my mother and

implore her to get me that g*n.

>> Your grade will be determined

by content, grammar, legibility

and especially margins.

Margins.

>> Narrator: That wild west

sharpsh**ter would soon be mine.

If I could just stay inside the

margins.

Rarely had the words poured from

my penny pencil with such

feverish fluidity.

I remember to this day the

glorious winged phrases and

concise imagery of that theme.

>> What I want for christmas is

a red ryder bb g*n with a

compass in the stock and this

thing that tells time.

Wow, that's great.

I don't think a football is a

very good christmas present.

But I think that everybody

should have a red ryder bb g*n.

You never know when you'll need

it.

♪ ♪

>> Narrator: "Ralphie to the

rescue," take one.

Sound, speed, action.

♪ Your teacher

in trouble

so get there on the double ♪

♪ or she'll face her doom ♪

>> Ralphie, do something!

♪ The tension is mounting

one minute left and counting

'till she goes kaboom ♪

>> What?

No!

♪ Won't you save me, ralphie?

Tell the scoundrel to surrender?

I'll save the day ♪

♪ oh, he's got me, ralphie

I could die in this disaster ♪

>> Faster!

♪ Hold on, i'm on my way ♪

♪ ralphie to the rescue, oh

ralphie to the rescue, oh ♪

♪ one thing to do

time to turn to old blue

now let her go ♪

♪ yippee-kay-o ♪

>> My hero.

>> Narrator: Moving on to the

bank scene.

♪ We're stuck in a stick-up

we've got some cash

to pick up

fill the bag with loot ♪

♪ they're telling the teller

now hand it over, feller

or we'll have to sh**t ♪

>> Hands in the air!

>> That's right.

♪ Won't you help us, ralphie?

Tell these robbers

to release us

don't let me die ♪

♪ try and stop us, ralphie

hope you're ready

for some payback ♪

>> Stay back!

♪ Forget the fbi

forget the fbi

ralphie to the rescue, oh ♪

♪ ralphie to the rescue, oh ♪

♪ he's here to book

every bank robbing crook

so drop the dough ♪

♪ yippee-kay-o ♪

♪ get 'em, cowboy

cowboy ralphie

the favorite son of indiana

with his g*n and his bandana ♪

♪ riding high

high

get 'em, cowboy

cowboy ralphie ♪

♪ just in time

to fight some crime

just like red

he'll sh**t 'em dead ♪

♪ yippee kay yippee kay

yippee kay yippee kay

yippee kay yippee kay-o ♪

>> Help me, ralphie!

♪♪

>> Black bart!

♪♪

♪ ♪

>> Narrator: Cut!

Print it!

Back to one!

♪ Ralphie to the rescue

oh

oh ♪

♪ ralphie to the rescue

oh ♪

♪ so brave and so bold

and he's just 9 years old ♪

♪ when i've got old blue

i'm a born buckaroo ♪

♪ a boy and his g*n

riding off in the sun

just watch him go ♪

♪ go

go ♪

>> I think everyone should have

a red ryder bb g*n.

And I think a red ryder bb g*n

would be a very good christmas

present.

>> Paper, please.

♪ Yippee-kay-o! ♪

>> Narrator: That's a wrap on

"ralphie to the rescue!"

And now, stay tuned for a coming

attraction.

>> Mr. And mrs. Parker, your

extraordinary son, ralph, has

written the theme i've been

waiting for all my life.

"What I want for christmas is a

red ryder bb g*n with a compass

in the stock and this thing that

tells time!" Is sheer poetry.

And the penmanship, the

conjugation, the punctuation!

All contained in the tightly

constrained dictates of the

margins.

Ralph has convinced me beyond

doubt, through his magnificent

and eloquent theme, that it is

absolutely necessary that he be

given a red ryder bb g*n for the

protection of your family,

especially now that grizzly

bears have been spotted near

pulaski's candy store.

Grizzlies.

So thank you, mr. And

mrs. Parker, for your time.

And for ralph -- my prize

a-plus, plus, plus, plus, plus,

plus student.

>> Ralphie?

Ralphie, what on earth are you

daydreaming about?

I just heard your father pull

up, he'll be famished.

Hurry up now and wash up.

>> Yes, mom.

>> Narrator: A whole week had

gone by and miss shields still

hadn't graded the themes.

Expectation had turned to

anxiety, then deep despair.

>> I've got one sh*t and it's



>> Get away!

Get away!

Bumpus, call 'em off.

Call 'em off.

Give it back.

>> Hello, dear.

Did you have a good day?

>> I did 'till quitting time.

Then the olds wouldn't start

again.

So, I had to get a jump.

Needs a new battery.

Those things are up to $6 a

piece these days.

>> A nice hot plate of meat loaf

is sure to cheer you up.

>> Oh, sure.

>> Randy, wash up, dinner's

getting cold.

>> I don't need to.

I washed my hands yesterday.

>> Randy?

>> Oh, okay.

>> You too, ralphie.

>> But I washed mine this

morning.

>> Please, boys, don't make me

ask 100 times.

>> Okay.

♪ New stains on the rug

stray socks on the stair

and piles of paper appearing

right out of thin air ♪

♪ but the sheets have been

washed

the pants have been pressed

the floors have been scrubbed

like a woman possessed ♪

♪ and we're steady and stable

a meal on the table each evening

because that's what a mother

does ♪

>> Randy, come on, now.

>> Narrator: Every family has a

kid who won't eat.

Usually it's the one who takes

ballet.

But in our case, it was my

brother.

>> Can I have some more

meatloaf?

>> Narrator: My kid brother had

not eaten voluntarily in over

three years.

>> More potatoes, dear.

>> Narrator: And my mother

hadn't eaten a hot meal for

herself in 15 years.

>> Milk, please.

♪ Sit down to stand up you're

back on your feet ♪

♪ serve seconds and thirds

while you've still got

a boy who won't eat ♪

>> Aw, jeez.

♪ But a mom has her ways

a mom knows her kid

she'll get him to eat

without knowing he did ♪

♪ it's just one of her talents

she keeps life in balance

amid all the buzz

that's what a mother does ♪

>> You know, starving people

would be glad to have that.

>> Aw, meatloaf, smeatloaf,

double beet loaf, I hate

meatloaf.

>> Where's the screwdriver and

the plumber's helper?

I'll pry his mouth open and

stuff it in.

>> Frank!

>> Narrator: And he would have.

But my mother was more subtle

and far more creative.

What sound do little piggies

make?

[ Snorting ]

I don't remember.

Oh, that's right.

Oink, oink.

Nice little piggies.

>> Narrator: My brother was deep

into the "three little pigs" at

the time.

>> Now, how do little piggies

eat?

There's your trough.

How do little piggies eat?

[ Laughter ]

That's it!

That's right.

Gobble it all down.

>> Gosh.

>> Jeez.

>> Narrator: It was absolutely

disgusting.

>> You're mommy's little piggy.

♪ One thing down

a million more you've missed

the plates, the pans

keep crossing off the list ♪

♪ homework, pjs

get the kids to bed

choose a christmas story to be

read ♪

>> Did I turn on the lights?

♪ Yes, christmas is here

there's so much to do

a house to look festive

a family that's counting on

you ♪

♪ with tinsel to buy

and stockings to stuff

to make them forget that

the times have been tough ♪

♪ you're a mom on a mission

to keep up tradition

laughter in barrels ♪

♪ 'till you hear them say

you've made christmas day

the very best christmas

that there ever was ♪

♪ so you're off to the races

and put through your paces

battle your way through the

chaos

because that's what a mother

does ♪

[ Cheers and applause ]

>> Where did I put the mail?

>> Narrator: Yes, the mail.

A sure way to be noticed.

>> Here you go, dear.

>> Bill, bill, bill.

These bills are never ending.

Here's a letter with no stamp on

it.

It's addressed to you.

>> To me?

>> How can they deliver a letter

with no stamp on it?

>> That's odd.

It's a silly ad for a kid's bb

g*n.

Those things are dangerous.

>> Narrator: Rats.

My fevered brain seethed with

the effort to come up with an

infinitely subtle device to

implant the air r*fle indelibly

into my parents' consciousness

without their being aware of it.

>> I heard miss shields say she

saw some grizzly bears near

pulaski's candy store the other

day.

>> Grizzly bears?

>> That's what miss shields

said.

>> Near the candy store.

>> Pulaski's.

>> That doesn't seem possible.

>> Why not?

Miss shields loves candy.

And just think, randy and I go

to that candy store all the

time.

If only I had some way to

protect me and my little

brother.

>> I never heard of grizzly

bears in this part of north

america.

>> We're living in dangerous

times.

Grizzlies.

>> Eat your cabbage, ralphie.

Someone's at the door.

[ Doorbell ]

Would anyone like to get it?

No, no, please, by all means,

let me.

I'll just clean the house and do

the laundry and boil the cabbage

and do a variety show for my



Because that's what a mother

does.

Cool come -- coming!

Can I help you?

>> Narrator: Telegram for you

folks, mrs. Parker.

>> What is it?

>> A telegram.

It's addressed to you.

>> That's why I should always

get the door.

>> Silly me.

Well?

>> Look for yourself.

>> "Congratulations!

You have won a major award in

our $50,000 'great figures of

world literature contest'.

It will arrive by special

messenger tonight.

You are a winner!"

>> You hear that?

I'm a winner!

I'm a winner!

>> But a winner of what?

>> It could be anything.

A new car, a trip to paris.

A guy in terre haute won a

bowling alley.

>> How are they gonna deliver a

bowling alley?

>> Well, they could deliver a

deed, for cripessake.

[ Doorbell ]

It's here!

Quiet, hang on!

>> Narrator: Frank parker?

>> Yeah?

>> Narrator: Sign here.

Okay.

Haul it in.

>> Well, what is it?

>> Narrator: Beats me.

>> Well, merry christmas.

Don't be afraid of a little

elbow grease.

Feliz navidad, and all that.

>> Careful, dear.

Look what it says on the side.

>> Fra-gee-lay.

It must be italian.

I won an italian prize.

Fra-gee-lay!

>> I think that says fragile,

>> oh.

Oh, yeah.

I knew that.

Quick, get me a crowbar.

And a hammer.

Get me a hammer.

♪ Here's the proof i'm someone

i'm a someone, very wise

when you're this astute

you get saluted with a prize ♪

♪ and when that prize arrives

in a giant wooden crate

you know it's something great ♪

>> Narrator: The old man worked

in supercharged haste to lay

bare his hard-won symbol of

victory.

♪ Oh, mr.Parker

who could believe

the glory of the gift

that you're about to receive? ♪

>> What is it?

>> A leg.

>> But what is it?

>> Well, it's a leg.

Like a statue.

>> A statue?

>> Whoopie, a statue!

>> Ooh, we won a statue.

>> Ralphie.

>> Wait a minute.

There's something else in the

box.

>> What?

>> Holy smokes!

Do you know what this is?

>> What?

>> It's a lamp.

>> It's a lamp?

>> It's -- it's --

♪ it's a major award

I won a major award ♪

♪ I won a grand slam

big fat, wam-bam, "take that!"

Award

I won a major award

I won a major award ♪

♪ who won? I won

it's me?

I see

well, gee

it's a major award ♪

>> Wow, this is exactly what we

need for the front window.

>> What?

Now, dear, i'm not sure the

front window is the best --

>> narrator: The snap of a few

sparks, a quick whiff of ozone,

and the lamp blazed forth in

unparalleled glory.

>> Ain't that something.

>> It's something, all right.

>> Hey, wait, I want to see it

from outside.

>> Narrator: The lamp, to my

mother's consternation, could be

seen up and down cleveland

street.

>> You should see it from out

here.

>> Oh, I can see it fine from

here.

>> Honey, move it a little

forward, so people can see it.

>> Oh, dear god.

♪ What on earth is that?

Is what?

That window, such a glow

oh ♪

♪ it's a big-time honor

an award

i'd never know ♪

♪ now this is patent-proof

that your neighbor is a champ

it looks just like a lamp ♪

♪ that there's a statue

a fine work of art

a prize that they bestow

upon the extra-super-smart ♪

♪ friends, it's a major award

I won a major award

who won?

He won? ♪

♪ It's he

I see

♪ he won a major award

it's a trophy he can cherish

what a beauty ♪

♪ oh, it's garish he's a winner

that's for certain ♪

Maybe he should close the

curtain ♪

♪ for a window, slightly

overboard

don't you get it?

Ladies, it's a major award ♪

♪ a major award?

A major award

a major award?

A major award ♪

♪ frank parker did it

how remarkably grand

frank parker did it

now the world will understand ♪

♪♪

♪ i'm the genius on cleveland

street ♪

>> What a wonderful honor.

No mistake, right?

Check the envelope.

Okay.

♪ A taste of victory, so sweet ♪

I'd like to thank my wife and

children.

I'd like to thank them but they

had nothing to do with it.

♪ Now watch it ignite this

little light of mine

let it shine ♪

♪ ♪

♪ the genius on cleveland street

how can any man compete? ♪

♪ With a downstage, big brass

front page, first class

clear cut, red hot

"look what I got" award? ♪

♪ He won a major award

he won a major award

yes, it's a true scholastic,

careful, it's plastic ♪

♪ award ♪

♪ who'd have guessed

he got every answer correct?

I did it ♪

♪ so impressed he's a man

you gotta respect ♪

♪ so come and meet

the genius on cleveland street

I won a major award

he won a major award ♪

♪ I won a major award

a major award

a major award ♪

♪♪

>> The leg lamp major award

earned the place as a major part

of christmas culture.

It came as no surprise that zach

woodley made the leg lamp extra

special consideration with a

production number and the live

leg lamp kick live.

"A christmas story live" will be

back after these messages.

♪ We wish you

a merry christmas

we wish you

a merry christmas ♪

♪ we wish you

a merry christmas

and a happy new year ♪

>> Narrator: Needless to say,

our new leg lamp was the number

one topic of conversation in the

neighborhood.

Despite my mother's futile

protestations of the glowing

electric sex display, the old

man was resolute in keeping his

symbol of newfound self-esteem

in the front window for all to

see.

>> Come on, everybody.

If we don't hurry, all the trees

will be gone.

Shut up, you gardingle dogs!

All right, what's the hold up?

>> I'm coming!

I'm coming.

>> Come on, let's go.

>> I forgot -- my -- my purse.

>> I get to pick out the tree

this time.

>> You got to pick out the tree

last time.

>> Did not.

>> Did, too.

>> Did not.

>> Did, too.

>> Did not.

>> Did, too.

>> Did not.

>> Did, too.

>> Shut up!

We will all pick out the tree

together.

And if it's the one I like,

we'll get it.

Hey, who turned off the lamp?

>> We don't want to miss out on

all the good trees, do we, dear?

>> Yeah, come on, dad.

Let's go.

>> And we don't want to waste

electricity.

Do we, dear?

>> Come on, dad.

>> All right, in the car, in the

car.

Don't forget your -- get your

fingers caught.

Come on!

Yuletide trees awaits!

>> Narrator: And so my mother

had ex*cuted another brilliant

maneuver in the legendary battle

of the lamp.

The epic struggle which became

part of the folklore of

cleveland street, all of it

fought over the soft, erotic

glow emanating from our front

window.

>> Aw, man, the leg lamp isn't

on.

>> The what?

>> The sexy lamp in ralphie's

window.

>> Sexy? What are you --

sweetheart, avert your gaze.

>> Avert my what?

>> Don't look, it'll scar you

for life.

Imagine, fishnets.

>> Aren't those for catching

fish?

>> They're for catching

something.

>> Nope, nope, nope.

>> Honey, do you have to be

quite so picky?

>> It's crazy not to consider

all your options before you make

a major commitment.

>> You sound just like my

mother.

>> You folks looking for a tree?

Well, you're in luck.

Here at tip top trees, we've got

hundreds of trees to choose

from -- tall trees, short trees,

green trees, pastries -- little

tree humor.

This is the christmas tree

emporium of the entire upper

midwest.

>> Uh-huh.

>> I also sell used cars.

Are you interested in --

>> no.

>> So, what will it take for me

to put a tree in your house

today?

>> Well, it can't be too

expensive.

>> Oh, I guess you don't want

santa to come.

Let's see what I have for people

who hate christmas.

>> Come on, dad.

>> Just show us what you've got.

>> Look at this beauty here.

Trunk holds a gallon of water,

no refilling.

It's the cadillac of christmas

trees.

>> It's a little skimpy in the

front.

>> That's the back.

Common mistake.

Don't be embarrassed.

No?

I'm not embarrassed.

>> Okay. No.

>> No.

>> Let's try this one over here.

This one practically screams

"tree!"

See -- tree.

Hear it?

Tree!

Look at me, i'm a tree, baby!

It's screaming so loud i'm going

deaf.

>> It looks dead.

>> What?

I can't hear you.

>> I said, it looks dead!

>> Just testing you.

I can see you're the smart one.

Get out of here, deadwood.

>> Haven't you got a big tree?

You know, big?

>> Okay, look, christmas calls

and I got trees to move.

How about this one and I knock

off five bucks?

>> I don't know, that fella down

the street just bought one of

those brand new, plastic trees.

>> I suppose you'll give santa

plastic cookies, too.

>> Please, dad?

>> I'll tie it to the roof of

your car and throw in the rope

for free.

>> Deal.

It's the olds right over there.

See that, boys?

That's how you buy a tree.

>> Are you sure I can't interest

you in --

>> no.

♪ Joy to the world

joy to the world

let earth receive her king ♪

♪ let every heart

prepare him room ♪

♪ and heaven and nature sing

and heaven and nature sing

and heaven

and heaven and nature sing ♪

♪ we'll brave

the bitter weather

'cause it all

comes down to christmas ♪

♪ and make it

through together

'cause it all

comes down to christmas ♪

♪ we've got one sh*t

and it's only



♪ We have to hurry up

'cause it all

comes down to christmas ♪

>> Oh, flibberdygibbit!

Mucker-rucker!

Corn doodle-doo.

>> What is it, dear?

>> Nobody move.

We have a flat.

>> Again?

>> Right front this time.

Yep, right front.

I'll get the jack and change it.

>> Narrator: My old man's tires

were actually only tires in the

academic sense.

They were round and made of

rubber, but there was so little

tread, you could read the want

ads of the tribune right through

them.

Actually, my old man loved it.

He always saw himself in a pit

at the indianapolis 500.

Are you sure you don't need any

help?

>> I can do this.

All of you, stay in the car.

Don't want it falling on anybody

in case the jack fails.

Four minutes. Time me. Go.

>> Ralphie, go help your father

change the tire.

>> Really? Can I?

>> Yes. Watch the traffic.

>> Narrator: It was the first

time it had been suggested that

I help my father with anything.

>> What are you doing?

>> Mom said I should help.

>> Oh, yeah?

Okay, get over here and hold

this hubcap.

No, not that way.

Hold it steady, like this.

Now, i'm gonna put the lug nuts

move.

>> Okay.

This is fun.

>> It is?

News to me.

>> Maybe we could do things like

this more often.

>> That's all I need, more

things like this to deal with.

Darn it!

Hold still.

>> Okay.

I mean, doing stuff, just you

and me.

Like, I don't know, let's say,

target practice.

>> Target practice?

With what?

>> Well, now that you ask.

>> Ralphie, darn it, i'm telling

you, don't move.

>> Narrator: I realized that

when my father said, "don't

move," what he really meant was,

"don't breathe."

>> Consarn it, crick in my knee.

>> Narrator: For one brief

moment, I saw all the bolts

silhouetted against the moonlit

sky.

And then they were gone.

I lost all sense of where I was

and who I was with.

>> Ooh, fudge.

>> Narrator: But I didn't say,

"fudge."

I said the word.

The big one, the queen mother of

dirty words -- the

f-dash-dash-dash word.

I had broken the number one

verboten rule.

I was awfully young to die.

>> What did you say?

That's what I thought you said.

Get in the car. Go on.

>> Narrator: I thought about how

sad randy would be not having a

brother anymore.

Or would he be happy to get our

room all to himself?

Yeah, I bet he would.

I decided, thanks a lot, randy.

I decided to come back as a

ghost and make them feel bad.

>> Eight minutes.

>> Do you know what your son

just said?

>> No, what did he say?

>> Oh, i'm gonna tell you what

he said.

Randy!

He said --

♪ ♪

>> Oh!

>> Ralphie!

>> What is that?

>> I believe it is the sound of

a mother's heart breaking.

I know from this sound.

This is a sound with which I am

well acquainted.

>> Is this because I failed that

spelling test?

>> Please, my heart is broken

enough.

>> The words were hard.

"Believe" and "receive."

>> "I" before "e" except after

"c."

We went over it a thousand

times.

I held you in my arms and we

cried about it and you still got

it wrong.

>> I'm sorry, mom.

>> That's all right.

It's my fault.

>> How is it your fault?

>> How is it not?

>>> Get in the house!

Get in the house!

Get in the house!

Get in the house!

>> Narrator: It was all over.

I was dead.

What would it be?

The guillotine, a hanging, the

chair, the rack, water t*rture?

No.

Mere child's play compared to

what was in store for me.

My crime was so egregious that

it demanded more than

punishment.

No, my verbal lapse of decorum

needed to be literally washed

away.

I had become quite a connoisseur

of soap.

My personal preference was for

lux, but I found that palmolive

was quite piquant with just a

touch of mellow smoothness.

Lifebuoy, on the other hand --

>> yuck.

>> All right.

Where did you hear that word?

>> Narrator: Is she kidding me?

I'd heard that word at least



My father worked in profanity

the way other artists might work

in oils or clay.

It was his true medium.

But I chickened out.

>> Are you ready to tell me?

What?

>> Schwartz.

>> Oh, I see.

>> Hello?

>> Hello, mrs. Schwartz?

This is mrs. Parker.

>> Hello, mrs. Parker, how are

you?

>> I'm fine.

Mrs. Schwartz, you'll never

guess what ralphie just said.

>> Try me.

>> He said --

>> oh, no, not that!

>> Yes, that.

And do you know where he heard

it?

>> Probably from his father.

>> No, he heard it from your

son.

>> What? What, what, what?

>> Mom? What's the matter?

>> You!

>> What?

>> Get over here!

>> Ah!

>> Narrator: I'd committed a

grave offense and falsely

implicated a friend.

Maybe I didn't deserve any

tinker toys, let alone -- you

know what.

My christmas dream was quickly

becoming a nightmare.

♪ Good-bye red ryder

my dream is over

dying

dead ♪

♪ there's no way

i'll get that g*n when

I just said that word I said ♪

♪ it's a disaster

there's nothing worse

'cause christmas doesn't come

for little kiddies who curse ♪

♪ this year

how 'bout

a big lump of coal? ♪

♪ This year

no pretty present

from the north pole ♪

♪ there's not enough time

there's not enough time

there's not enough time

there's not enough time ♪

♪ you can't say

something rotten 'cause

it all comes down to christmas

oh, this won't be forgotten ♪

♪ and it all

comes down to christmas ♪

♪ i've got one sh*t

and i'm watching it slip away ♪

♪ and now you have to

pay the price by

having the most ♪

♪ lousy, lonely

dreadful, dreary

horrid, hellish

wretched, ruined ♪

♪ christmas day! ♪

>>> When the director took his

twin children to their first

broadway store.

He took them to "at christmas

story."

Little did he know it would land

him here working side by side

with award-winning live

television director.

Stay tuned for more from "a

christmas story live."

>>> Narrator: I felt terrible

about blaming schwartz for my

verbal indiscretion, and I

figured I had to make things

right with my friend if I was

ever going to get my red ryder.

I think I believed in karma.

>> Hello, ralphie.

>> Hello, mrs. Schwartz.

How are you this evening?

>> Goodness, you're so polite.

What's wrong?

>> I would like to talk to

schwartz, if I could.

>> Sure, come in.

Other people's houses smelled a

little bit different.

I love the smell of the

schwartz's house.

>> Now, why do you call him

schwartz?

He's got a perfectly good first

name. It's --

>> ma! Don't!

>> There you are.

Ralphie's here.

Oh! The blintzes!

>> Hey, schwartz.

>> Hey, ralphie.

>> I'm sorry I told my mom I

learned that word from you.

I didn't think she'd tell your

mom.

>> Yeah, well, she did.

My mom was awful sore.

And now I am.

>> Hold on a minute.

>> I thought you were in the

kitchen.

>> A mother is everywhere at all

times.

Ralphie, are you saying schwartz

didn't say that word?

>> Not that time.

>> See?

I got punished for nothing.

>> Well, we'll just count that

punishment toward the time you

did say it.

It was good of you to apologize,

ralphie, but you should have

told your mother the truth in

the first place.

>> But then i'd never get what I

want for christmas, and that's

the only thing that matters to

me in the entire universe.

>> Is that so?

>> As it is, it would take a

miracle.

>> Well, you're in luck, this is

the time of year when miracles

happen.

Tonight is the sixth night of

hanukkah!

>> Hanukkah?

>> Hanukkah is when we remember

how a small amount of oil was

enough to keep a lamp burning

for eight full days.

>> That's electric.

>> You want us to burn the house

down?

Ralphie i'm telling you, you

must never lose hope.

Take it from me, I should know.

♪♪

♪ at christmastime

when you're a jew

it's easy to feel

kinda blue ♪

♪ with everyone

reminding you

you're different

from the rest ♪

>> Well, different is better.

♪ So they can keep their

christmas trees

our lawns need no nativities ♪

♪ we got matzoh balls and

the maccabees ♪

♪ who could be depressed?

Hanukkah is here

it reminds us ev'ry year ♪

♪ that when your days

are growing dim

a light just might appear

so you're in luck my dear ♪

♪ 'cause if you're in

the market for a miracle

one is headin' right to ya

so somebody say hallelujah ♪

♪ just take your tush and

park it for a miracle

slap a happy smile

on that face ♪

♪ 'cause if you're in

the market for a miracle

you came to the right

place ♪

>> The feingolds know what i'm

talking about!

♪ So throw some latkes on

your plate

come stuff yourself and

celebrate ♪

♪ I think ev'ry jew in

this whole state

is here inside our home ♪

>> L'chaim!

♪ There's no need to be

concerned

just think how long that

oil b*rned ♪

♪ there are miracles

or so i've learned

at temple beth shalom ♪

>> Very good!

♪ Endlessly they shine

sending us a sign ♪

♪ and if you get stuck with a

crummy gift he'll give you one

of his ♪

>> Mom?

♪ He'll give you one of his ♪

>> But mom, that's --

>> what did I say about

generosity?

>> I'll give you one of mine!

>> Yes!

♪ If you're in the

market for a miracle ♪

♪ we're servin' all you can

handle

it starts by grabbin' a candle ♪

♪ light it up and spark it

for a miracle

tell you what i'll cut

right to the chase ♪

♪ if you're in the

market for a miracle

you came to the right place ♪

>> Come on, everybody!

♪ Lai, dai, dai

dai dai dai dai dai dai

dai dai dai dai dai dai

dai dai dai ♪

>> You know that jesus was

jewish?

♪ Lai dai dai

dai dai dai dai dai dai ♪

♪ raise a glass to

the israelites

livin' it up for

eight crazy nights ♪

♪ you wanna stick with me

if you're in the

market for a miracle

you're about to be blessed ♪

♪ just trust

a jewish mother knows best

when you're in the dark

it takes a miracle ♪

♪ ralphie, baby, lemme

rest my case

if you're in the market ♪

♪ c'mon take your tush

and park it ♪

♪ 'cause if you're in

the market for a miracle

you came to the right place ♪

>> So, ralphie, what is that

present you want so bad?

>> An official red ryder

carbine-action 200-sh*t range

model air r*fle.

>> Are you meshugenah?

You'll sh**t your eye out.

>> What?

No!

♪ Lai dai dai

dai dai dai dai dai dai

dai dai dai dai dai dai

dai dai dai ♪

♪ dai dai dai dai

dai dai dai

lai dai dai ♪

♪ dai dai dai

dai dai dai ♪

>> Hey!

>> "I" before "e," except after

"c."

When will they ever learn?

>> Mary beth, why aren't you

outside enjoying recess?

>> Oh, miss shields, I have all

my christmas letters to write.

I write a special message to

every one of my friends and

relatives and i've just got to

get them all out on time!

>> Oh, mary beth, a child your

age shouldn't spend recess

hunched over a desk getting

writer's cramp.

>> I shouldn't?

>> Of course not.

I'll teach you how to type!

>> Schwartz's mom heard you

apologize?

>> She did.

>> Aw, man.

That's the worst.

>> Well, it's over.

So I guess we're even now, huh?

>> I don't know.

I'll think about it.

>> Narrator: Apology or no

apology, after the lifebuoy soap

debacle, my fate rested on a

good grade from miss shields and

and keeping my nose clean until

christmas.

I would be severely challenged

by an episode that would become

legend at the warren g. Harding

elementary school.

>> All right.

Here's the flagpole.

Why don't you put your tongue on

it?

>> I don't think that's a good

idea.

>> Stay out of this, ralphie.

Go on, flick.

I double dare you.

>> Narrator: The exact exchange

and nuance of phrase in this

ritual is very important.

>> You kiddin'?

Stick my tongue to that stupid

pole.

That's dumb.

>> That's cause you know it'll

stick.

>> You're full of it.

>> Oh, yeah?

>> Yeah.

I double dog dare you!

A double-dog dare.

What else was left but a

triple-dare-you and the final

coup de grace of all dares --

the sinister triple-dog dare.

>> I triple-dog dare you.

[ Gasps ]

>> Narrator: Schwartz created a

slight breach of etiquette by

skipping the triple-dare and

going right for the throat.

>> Well, it seems we got a

little situation well, it seems

like things are escalatin' quick

this unprecedented move to skip

the triple just to prove just

how sure he is that somethin's

gonna stick --

>> all right.

All right.

>> Well, go on, smart [ Bleep ],

and do it.

>> I'm goin', i'm goin'.

>> Narrator: Flick's spine

stiffened.

His lips curled in a defiant

sneer.

There was no going back now.

♪ ♪

>> This is nothin'.

Stuck -- stuck --

stuck?

I'm stuck!

>> What did he say?

>> Jeez, it really worked!

>> Schwartz's old man was right!

>> Told ya!

>> Well, I can't believe that

actually just happened --

>> he's as good as glued as far

as I can tell --

>> oh my goodness!

>> Holy cow.

>> Hey guys, what do we do now?

>> Yeah, i'm pretty sure that

this will not end well --

>> hey, fellas, help me.

Come on!

>> What are we going to do?

>> The bell rang.

We've gotta go back in.

>> But what are we going to do?

>> Well it's a sticky, sticky,

sticky situation.

The stickiest there might have

ever been --

>> with his lips turnin' blue --

>> what are we gonna do with

this sticky situation that we're

in?

>> Narrator: The horns of a

dilemma.

Good little boys who were on

time for class got the best

presents on christmas.

But bad little boys who got

caught triple-dog daring their

friends to stick their tongues

to a flagpole?

Well, what would you do?

>> Let's go!

>> Come on!

>> Don't leave me, come back!

Come back!

>> Nancy.

Charlie.

Richie.

Esther.

Jane.

Flick.

Where's flick?

Has anyone seen flick?

He was at recess, wasn't he?

Yes, he was, i'm sure I saw him.

Why is no one speaking up?

Is someone playing a trick on

me?

Because I don't like tricks.

Or surprises.

Unless someone tells me ahead of

time how i'm going to be

surprised.

>> Ralphie, do you know where

flick is?

>> Flick?

Flick who?

>> Narrator: When you're tossed

into a cross-examination gotta

pick an explanation to provide

so you rapidly invent an excuse

for where he went --

>> he was kidnapped!

>> He forgot his lunch.

>> He d*ed.

>> Class.

What's going on here?

>> Well you can't confess a

thing or you'll get busted if

you're caught, they'll cart you

off to county jail.

♪ And then once you're

locked away

you'll find out on

christmas day ♪

♪ santa doesn't read a

convicted felon's mail ♪

♪ well, it's a sticky

sticky, sticky situation

just hopin' for a sudden

stroke of luck ♪

♪ 'cause from this

point of view

what are we gonna do ♪

♪ in a sticky situation

feelin' stuck --

>> now i'm going to ask one more

time.

Has anyone seen --?

Yes, esther jane.

>> Oh, my lord!

♪ ♪

♪ sticky, sticky

sticky, sticky

it's a sticky, sticky

sticky, sticky ♪

♪ sticky, sticky

sticky situation

>> narrator: Don't worry, son,

it'll all be over soon.

>> Ovuyour honorh?

>>> Now I know some of you put

flick up to this.

But those who did know their

blame.

And i'm sure the guilt is far

worse than any punishment you

might receive.

>> Narrator: Adults loved to say

things like that.

But kids know better.

We know darn well it's always

better not to get caught.

>> Still, I need to know.

>> Quiet.

Mr. Flick, would you care to

tell me who induced you to

attach your tongue to the

flagpole?

>> Ah pwee da fif.

>> I beg your pardon?

>> He pleads the fifth!

>> Oh!

You remember last week's lesson

on the bill of rights!

I am a good teacher!

>> I suppose we might as well

get back to work.

>> Sorry, flick.

>> Inh okeh.

>> Narrator: Love might mean

never having to say you're

sorry, but friendship requires

it now and again.

>> Now, class, I have graded

your christmas themes.

>> I'm pleased.

They were generally pretty good

except for the margins.

Look at your own book, only.

>> Narrator: I held my breath as

I stared at the paper.

I imagined miss shields was

restraining her verbal praise of

my theme in deference to the

ordinary intelligence of my

classmates.

I was sure the multiple plusses

were fairly dripping to the

floor.

>> Narrator: But there was only

one plus!

>> C-plus?

>> Lunch!

>> A c-plus?

>> Narrator: Along with a note

at the bottom!

P.S. You'll sh**t your eye out.

>> Oh, noooo!

>> C plus!

C plus!

Not an a, not a b, but a c plus!

The boss isn't happy, she isn't

impressed your report came up

short so you failed the test

ralphie you're done that's a

fact --

>> so give up the g*n or you're

gonna get whacked!

The bring ralphie to a back

door, which schwartz opens from

the other side.

>> What's the password?

>> Tomato?

>> Tomahto.

>> Meet the gal who makes the

grade here she comes to serenade

who can face the power she

wields?

>> Ladies and gentlemen, miss

shields!

"You'll sh**t your eye out!"

>> Your theme was good for a

laugh, you'll sh**t your eye

out.

You're barely nine and a half!

You'll sh**t your eye out.

>> Seems like your big dreams

oughta be left on the shelf.

Why aim for the sky?

If you're not careful, kid,

you'll sh**t yourself!

I hate to spoil the fun with

"you'll sh**t your eye out," but

hon, start kissin' that g*n

goodbye well, sh**t, it's cute

that you desire it, but the

moment that you fire it, you'll

sh**t your eye out!

I'm sure you're sick of my

spiel, but a-da-ba-da-ba-doo

you'll sh**t your eye out!

You'll sh**t your eye out!

And though you gave it a real

good try I bet that you'd regret

lettin' a little b*llet cr*ck

your retina, you'll sh**t your

eye out.

You'll sh**t your eye out.

♪ ♪

♪ you'll sh**t your eye out ♪

Hey!

♪ ♪

>> Hi ladies.

>> Hiiiii.

>> These are my boys.

>> Hey!

♪ ♪

Hey!

Hey!

Hey!

Hey!

Hey!

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

>> Here's to the dunce of the

class --

>> you'll sh**t your eye out!

>> Hey ralph, we're raisin' our

glasses high!

Now I can tell this tune's

depressin you, but i'm spelling

out a lesson you need to be

taught it's gotta get through --

>> they wont give a g*n to a

shrimp like you --

>> it's time to give up 'cause

teacher knows best.

>> You're the wimpiest kid in

the whole midwest --

>> you can cry you can pout i'm

telling you kid that there's no

doubt you'll sh**t your eye out!

>> One!

Two!

Three!

Four!

Kids from all over the u.S.

Rehearsed for nine weeks.

We even had teachers on set so

we didn't miss any school.

>> They worked so hard.

I can't wait for everyone to see

the hard work they put in.

It's great I get to perform my

number with them.

"A christmas story live" will be

back after these messages.

>>> Narrator: I spent some long,

frustrating days with miss

shields's words still ringing in

my ears.

You'll sh**t your eye out!

Why was everyone so concerned

with my eyesight?

Maybe because of those big

glasses I always wore.

God, I hated them.

>> Aah!

>> What's the matter, randy?

>> You-know-who is coming!

>> Narrator: Ah, the venomous

vipers of the jungle appear once

again.

Farkus makes a scary animal

stop scaring my brother.

>> What did you say, jerk?

>> Uh-oh.

>> Come here and say it to my

face.

Hey, parker, when I tell you to

come here, you better come here.

>> Better do what he says,

ralphie boy!

>> Come on, ralphie, let's run

home.

>> Yeah, ralphie, let's get

outta here.

>> Huwwy.

>> Narrator: But sometimes in

this wild wilderness, there

emerges a small red demon, a

beady-eyed carnivore, an insane

little beast that, on rare

occasion, inhabits us all.

>> Come on, four-eyes.

What, you goin' to cry?

>> You goin' to cry?

>> Come on cry!

Cry baby!

Cry!

>> Cry baby!

>> Cry!

>> Cry!

>> Cry!

>> Narrator: And on that day, at

that moment, the demon not only

inhabited me, it consumed me.

It possessed me. I threw myself

at the tormentor with a strength

i'd never known.

>> Ayour honorhh!

Golbuster balfaddle fulfuse

flappermap!

>> Ralphie, stop it!

You're going to k*ll him.

>> Stick-a-lick-a, mac-a-lack-a!

>> Hey!

Get off of him!

>> Mom!

Mom!

You gotta come quick!

>> Narrator: I had no idea I had

it in me.

Confaluted frazzle-baster

pena-lotta corn doodle do!

By now, I was beyond profanity.

I was speaking in tongues!

He-bee, je-bee!

Arkanoble!

Umlay, umlay, umlay!

Glockenspeilia cheriberium

eglottal eglottal eglottal

splid!

Corn doodle do!

>> Ralphie!

Stop it!

Stop it!

Somebody -- boys!

Help me get him off.

You almost broke your glasses!

Give them to me, you're crying

anyway.

>> How'd she get here so fast?

>> These mothers.

They're everywhere.

>> Way to go, parker!

>> Hooray for ralphie!

>> Yay!

Hooray!

Go, ralphie!

>> Kids!

That's enough of that.

>> But that was scut farkus.

Ralphie showed scut farkus who's

boss!

>> Who's scut farkus?

>> He's a big bully.

>> Really?

Well in that case --

now all of you go home.

And have a merry christmas.

>> Do you believe that?

>> Ralphie b*at the crap out of

scut farkus.

>> I never thought it would

happen.

Especially by parker.

>> He tore right into him.

>> I think that's the last we'll

see of farkus for a while.

And dill, too.

>> Ralphie's old man is gonna

k*ll him.

>> Yeah, but what a way to go!

He will live on as a hero to

wimps everywhere.

>> Ralphie parker.

A wimp for all times.

>> He makes me proud to be a

wimp.

>> Amen!

♪♪

♪ when you're a wimp

you patiently wait

for the day ♪

♪ when the tables have

turned

and you're makin' 'em pay ♪

♪ today you are livin'

the dream

watch him pummel those punks

while they scream ♪

♪ yeah you're ten times

as tough as you seem

when you're a wimp

when you're a wimp ♪

♪ don't mess with a wimp

>> no more farkus!

>> Narrator: I had won.

I had pummeled farkus and sent

--

disappointed my mother, losing

any chance of procuring the

coveted christmas gift.

>> Settle down, ralphie.

Just settle down.

>> Narrator: Surely the fight

and the profanity had sealed my

fate, especially when the old

man found out.

>> It's gonna be okay.

It's all going to be fine.

♪♪

♪ catch your breath and

look around

there's no monster

waiting by ♪

♪ nothing's crumbling

to the ground

nothing's tumbling

from the sky ♪

♪ notice how the world

keeps turning

life goes on ♪

♪ a moment comes

a moment goes

and just like that

the moment's gone ♪

♪ if you slip and

scrape your knee,

think it's never

gonna heal ♪

♪ in a day or two

you see it's just

not that big a deal ♪

♪ and you're back to

jumping, laughing

you've moved on ♪

♪ the moment comes

the moment goes

and just like that

the moment's gone ♪

>> Now go splash some cold water

on your face.

>> Randy?

Randy?

What's the matter?

What'cha crying for?

Can I come in?

>> Uh-huh.

>> What's the matter?

>> Daddy's gonna k*ll ralphie!

>> No, he's not.

I promise you daddy is not going

to k*ll anyone.

You want some milk?

>> Uh-huh.

>> You would?

Oh, randy.

♪ All these crazy moments

flicker past

and they're gone ♪

♪ crazy, messy moments

yet you try to hold on ♪

♪ 'cause they pass you

in an instant

pass you by so fast ♪

♪ don't forget to remember

these moments never last ♪

>> Narrator: Oh, no!

[ Dogs barking ]

The old man was home.

I'd be drawn and quartered when

he found out about the fight.

>> Get away, you mangy

malfroggin' mutts!

Shoo!

>> Hello, dear.

How was your day?

>> Aw, the bears say they're

going to start bulholtz this

sunday.

The worst quarterback in the --

where's your glasses?

Did you lose your glasses again?

>> I --

I --

>> ralphie, here are your

glasses.

You left them on the radio.

Don't you do that again.

>> So, what happened today?

What did I miss?

>> I don't know.

Not much.

Ralphie got into a fight.

>> Fight?

What kind of fight?

>> Oh, it was --e oh, you know

how boys are --

it wasn't much.

I gave him a talking to --

you say the bears are starting

bulholtz this sunday?

>> Yeah.

Yeah, I didn't know you paid any

attention to football.

>> Why don't you go to the game?

Take ralphie with you.

>> Maybe I will.

Maybe I will.

Though we'll probably freeze our

keesters off.

>> I don't mind.

>> That reminds me.

I need to put some more

antifreeze in the olds.

>> Narrator: I couldn't believe

my ears.

Perhaps I was not about to be

destroyed after all.

I don't know how she did it.

♪ Notice how the world

keeps turning

life goes on ♪

>> Narrator: From then on,

things were different between my

mother and me.

♪ And just like that

the moment's gone ♪

>> Narrator: I'll never know

exactly how she made everything

okay, but she always did.

Maybe it was simply that she was

a master of distraction.

>> Randy, remember how little

piggies eat?

>> We did that already.

>> Yes, but did you know that

santa keeps track?

He doesn't like it when little

boys don't eat.

>> He's too busy to keep track.

>> Santa's never too busy,

randy.

The north pole is a smooth

operation.

>> But he's not at the north

pole tonight.

He's at higbee's.

>> Ooh, that's right!

>> Let's go, let's go.

>> Frank!

>> Let's go, let's go!

The man with the beard!

>> Narrator: And just like that,

I began to realize that all was

not lost.

There was one last hope, right

downtown at higbee's department

store.

I would have to go to the

source.

The man in the red hat!

Gotta find a way to get to santa

♪ got to find a way to get santa

to tell him clearly and he'll

hear me ♪

♪ he's the one get the red rider

carbinebb g*n.

>> Let's go!

♪♪

>>> Catch the season spirit at

to keep the authentic 1940s look

we got a 1937 oldsmobile that

was used in the set.

And 1940 pontiac silver streak.

Stick around "a christmas story

live" will return.

>>> Catch the season spirit at

higbee's!

>> Higbee's!

>> Christmas cheer is here to

stay we've stocked the shelves

with tons of toys to take your

breath away hah!

Hah!

Hah!

Come explore all that and more

>> okay, boys and girls, don't

forget to visit the man of the

hour, here to make all your

christmas wishes come true.

Direct from the north pole, the

man who gets paid more than we

do even though he gets to sit

down the whole time, santa

claus!

>> Ooh, yay, santa, he's the

only one we care about.

>> You're pretty tall to be an

elf.

>> Is that so?

Well, you're pretty short to be

a professional basketball player

but I would never just walk up

to you and say that because I

don't know you.

I wouldn't do that because I am

a happy elf filled with love and

christmas cheer, not some

spoiled little person who

tramples on people's hopes and

dreams.

Merry christmas!

>> Mom!

>> That's right kid, go run to

your mommy.

Hey, look, there's santa claus!

>> Ho ho ho!

>> Stay.

Fred the elf joins santa.

>> Man, this is one sorry

looking bunch.

I guess all the other families

know how to work a to-do list so

they're not here at the last

minute.

I guess that's too much to ask

of these folks right here.

>> That chair looks comfortable.

>> It is.

All right, let's get this over

with.

>> Listen kid, we got a lot to

do and we're not about to wait

for you on santa's lap mary beth

>> it's about time --

>> oh, you hear that, this one

has things to do, places to be.

>> Yes, we're all expecting big

things from her.

>> I'll be the judge of that.

>> All right, what'll it be?

Tinker toys, x-ray glasses, a

teddy bear, a monopoly set.

>> Whoa, whoa, whoa.

What are you getting me?

>> Excuse me?

>> You just take take take.

Did you ever think of my needs?

>> You're santa.

>> Oh, you noticed.

>> So selfish.

>> Can I just get a collie named

fluffy?

>> I'll think about it.

>> Next victim.

>> Up on santa's lap higbee

better pay us overtime for the

little freaks who come to climb

on santa's lap --

>> oh, look at this one.

>> Be sensitive, santa.

>> I'm always sensitive!

What can I do for you?

>> I like you, santa.

I like you, santa.

Ahh.

Yes.

>> We got a wet one!

Someone get him off me!

Now!

And get me a towel!

>> Santa!

Santa!

>> I'm not your imaginary

friend.

I've got my limits.

>> What will I tell him?

>> Can't wait to smell him --

>> what is he like?

>> I want a new bike but how

should I ask for it --

>> could you move up a bit?

>> What is he thinking?

>> What is he drinking?

>> Merry christmas!

>> Who knows what he might pull

out of that bright red cap!

>> He can make your christmas

dreams come true.

>> Which is something that he'll

never do

♪ ♪

The parker boys were next in

line at the top of mount

olympus.

[ Yelling ]

♪♪

>> Up on santa's lap --

>> what's your name, little boy?

>> Come on, kid.

Come on.

>> Store's nearly closing.

>> What do you want for

christmas?

>> Narrator: My mind had gone

blank.

I was blowing it.

Blowing it!

>> Come on.

>> What about a nice football?

>> Narrator: Football?

Football?

What's a football?

Without conscious will, my voice

squeaked out --

>> football.

>> Okay, get him a football and

get him outta here.

>> Narrator: A football?

Oh, no!

What was I doing?

Wake up, stupid, wake up!

>> No!

♪♪

No!

I want an official red ryder

carbine-action 200-sh*t range

model air r*fle!

>> You'll sh**t your eye out,

kid.

Ho, ho, ho!

♪♪

>> Noooooooooo!

♪ Up on santa's lap, kinda

crumby that you got the boot now

we're closing and you have to

scoot!

♪ Have a nice christmas

up on santa's lap ♪

♪♪

>> Sad to say that's all the

time we got 'cause you only ever

get one sh*t --

>> you only get one sh*t you

only get one sh*t --

on santa's lap --

on santa's lap --

on santa's lap --

>> I love this job.

♪♪

>> It took a little more than

christmas magic and a lot of

elves.

Emmy award winning set designer

recreated the classic scenes

from the movie.

He made it winter time in

burbank, california.

That's what I call a cool

christmas miracle.

"A christmas story live"

continues.

>>> Narrator: Despite my

near-debacle with santa and the

elves at higbee's, I had managed

to at least log my air r*fle

request with the big man.

Who knows?

Maybe i'd get the air r*fle and

a football.

>> Make way, it's coming in for

a landing.

>> What are you doing?

>> I'm making room for the

zeppelin i'm getting for

christmas.

It's going to light up and make

noise.

>> Does it have a thing that

tells time?

>> No.

>> That's okay.

The red ryder has a thing that

tells time.

>> Can I look at it?

>> If you're good.

Sure.

>> Narrator: It was christmas

eve.

I had renewed reason for

optimism.

Santa was on the case.

But, of course, that's always

the moment when life plays

tricks on you.

Cruel, unexpected tricks.

♪♪

I'll never forget that sound.

>> Oh, dear.

>> What broke?

What happened?

What broke?

>> Narrator: At that moment, the

old man knew.

A thing he'd feared from the

very first day had come to pass.

>> The lamp.

>> You were always jealous of

this lamp.

>> Jealous?

Of a plastic leg?

>> You were jealous because I

won!

>> That's ridiculous!

Jealous!

Jealous of what?

That was the ugliest lamp I ever

saw.

>> Glue.

I need glue.

>> We're out of glue.

>> Aha!

You used up all the glue on

purpose!

>> Randy used it up on a school

project.

I haven't had a chance to buy

any more.

>> Then I shall buy some.

>> At six o'clock on christmas

eve?

>> I'll find some, somewhere.

And don't touch that lamp.

>> I've never wanted to touch

that lamp.

>> Well, you certainly touched

it tonight, didn't you?!

Not a finger!

>> Boys, i'm going next door to

mrs.

Cartwright's for a little while.

Randy, your dinner is still on

the table.

You're the only one who didn't

finish eating.

Can't you ever just do what I

say?

>> Nothing like this ever

happened before.

>> Maybe we can do something.

>> What?

>> To put everything back

together.

>> How?

♪♪

>> Grab that piece from the

floor.

Fix it up like before take the

knee.

Wait, lift it higher.

>> He'll forget that it broke.

>> There we go.

>> Is that smoke?

>> Oh, my gosh!

>> It smells like fire!

>> Ah!

>> Here, take the heel of the

shoe.

>> We're out of luck without

glue.

>> So, try again.

>> Nothing fits.

>> This might work.

>> Call it quits.

What's the point?

>> Just do the best we can --

>> before the old man comes

home.

>> There.

>> Not bad.

>> And there oughta be something

we can do to make mom feel

better, too.

>> Like what?

>> Well, for one thing, you

could start eating your food

without all that little piggy

stuff.

>> Aw --

>> she'll come back, see your

plate, won't believe that you

ate.

Try to swallow just one carrot.

>> I don't know if I can.

>> Open up, be a man.

>> It's too much.

>> Then fine, we'll share it.

Hey, if you just take a bite

they won't remember their fight.

>> Alright.

>> Force it down, really quick.

>> I think i'm --

getting sick.

>> This could work!

>> We need a better plan.

>> Before the old man comes

home.

If he sees that the lamp is on,

if she sees that the food is

gone, maybe then that's when

everything will be ok again.

>> Quick, we gotta hide.

♪♪

E

[ dogs barking ]

>> The old man came home with

five bottles of extra strength

glue.

He worked furiously and futilely

for over an hour.

At least, giving in to the

inevitability that the precious

lamp was lost.

A little after that, our mother

returned.

>> Frank, I just --

>> if I was --

when I said --

>> it's because --

>> how on earth it got this way.

>> When I said -- I was so --

>> and I tried.

>> Yeah, I know.

>> Listen, frank, what I mean to

say.

I'm sorry.

>> I'm sorry, too.

♪♪

>> Narrator: The white flag had

been waved.

The w*r was over.

Peace had once again returned to

the land.

>> Narrator: With as much

dignity as he could muster, the

old man took what was left of

his major award out into the

backyard.

>> Boys?

Time to get your p.J.S on.

Everything's all right.

It's christmas eve.

>> Narrator: I could never be

sure, but I thought I could

hear --

♪♪

♪♪

Each song takes us on a musical

playwright there the beloved

scenes from the classic film.

Stay tuned for more from "a

christmas story live."

>> I'd heard a lot of "no" in

the past few weeks, no less than

santa himself.

I listened for some glimmer of

hope.

I knew santa and his reindeer

already left the north pole and

good little boys and girls had

to be asleep when he arrived.

They just had to.

♪ ♪

>> Are you asleep?

>> No.

>> Are you?

>> I don't think so.

♪ ♪

♪ I toss and turn

turn and toss again ♪

♪ I still can't sleep

i'm going to bust ♪

Flip-flop and readjust

something take me away

every year I wait up to hear his

ho ho ho

because I

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ I tried real hard to be good

this year

but I made a mistake or two ♪

♪ when I lost my hat

when I k*lled my cat ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ high above the town flying

down on a reindeer

coming into bloomington ♪

We're hovering over indiana

across the whole state ♪

♪ ♪

♪ careful not to hit --

hurry through the worry and get

here pretty quick ♪

♪ ♪

[ Cheers and applause ]

>> You would be right saying

it's different from the blood

hounds in the movie.

Our dogs were rescued from

japan.

Everyone knows rescue dogs are

super smart.

Our trainers agree.

The cost couldn't be happier.

And the dogs, well, they found

forever families with their

trainers.

I guess you could say they have

their own christmas story.

Stay tuned for more from "a

christmas story live."

♪ It's christmas

it's christmas

it's christmas day!

♪♪

Hurry up, randy!

Let's go!

Go!

Go!

>> Wow!

>> Wow! Look at that!

>> Merry christmas!

>> Hey!

Wow, a fire truck!

That one's mine!

That one's mine!

>> Wait for christmas to start,

honey.

>> I wanna play santa!

I wanna play santa!

>> Wait a minute, you played

santa last year.

Ralphie, you play santa!

>> Awww.

>> Ralphie plays santa!

>> Okay.

>> What's in here?!

>> Narrator: He tears open the

present, a small silver airship.

>> Oh, a zeppelin! It's just

what I wanted.

The old man opens a gift.

>> A can of simoniz.

Well, whaddaya know?

>> From me to you.

>> You gave me a blue ball.

A blue bowling ball.

Thank you, my dear.

>> This has to be the box 'cause

it all comes down to christmas.

I can't get stuck with socks

'cause it all comes down to

christmas.

I've got one sh*t and it's only

one gift away.

It's gotta be.

It's gotta be.

It's gotta be.

It's gotta be.

No!

>> Aunt clara always gives you

the nicest things, ralphie.

Go upstairs and put it on.

>> I don't want to.

>> Go on.

>> Which one's aunt clara?

The one with the mustache?

>> She has a slight mustache,

yes.

She's very nice.

>> She's not nice to me.

I think she used to play

linebacker for the packers.

>> That it not true.

She would make any man very

happy.

>> Hurry up, ralphie, honey!

>> Frank you better not be in

there with that turkey!

>> Frank parker you leave that

turkey alone!

It's not cooked, you'll get

worms.

>> This piece looks cooked.

Mmm -- turkey.

Heaven.

Turkey!

>> Frank!

You put that turkey right back

where you found it.

>> I'm watching.

>> Aye

aye captain.

>> Ralphie, come downstairs and

show us what aunt clara gave

you.

>> I don't want to.

>> Come down here right now and

show us.

She went to all that trouble to

make it.

>> Aw, mom.

>> Come down here.

Come down here!

Come down --

>> oyour honorhh -- that's so

cute.

>> Narrator: My aunt clara had

for years labored under the

delusion that I was not only

perpetually 4 years old, but

also a girl.

>> That's the most precious

thing i've ever seen.

>> Narrator: If flick or

schwartz ever saw me in this, my

life at school would be a

veritable hell.

>> That is so cuuuuuute!

>> Shut up, randy.

>> He looks like a deranged

easter bunny.

>> He does not.

>> He does, too.

He looks like a pink nightmare.

Are you happy wearing that?

>> No.

>> You wanna take it off?

>> Come on, tell the kid to take

it off.

>> Oh, all right, you'll only

wear it when aunt clara visits.

Go on and take it off.

>> Narrator: If you ever have to

spend christmas morning thinking

about the one present you really

wanted but didn't get, and you

find yourself in the depths of

despair, well, then I encourage

you to try spending a few

minutes in a pink bunny suit

that heats up inside to about a

hundred and fifty degrees.

It brings a surprising amount of

perspective.

>> Yes, my dream of a red ryder

bb g*n was dashed.

Still, I was with my family on

christmas.

And that was what mattered.

At least that's what I kept

telling myself for the next

several hours.

>> You know, this wine's not

bad.

It isn't good either, but --

>> that's true.

>> You want a taste?

>> Yeah.

>> No, you don't.

>> Did you have a nice

christmas, ralph?

>> Yeah. Pretty nice.

>> Yeah?

Did you get everything you

wanted?

>> Uhn, almost.

>> Almost, huh? Well that's

life.

There's always next christmas --

>> hey, what's that over there?

>> Where?

>> Right over there.

Right there by the table.

I think I see something.

You better go have a look.

♪♪

>> What is it, frank?

>> Shhh.

♪♪

>> An official red ryder range

model carbine-action bb g*n!

♪♪

>> With a compass in the stock,

and this thing that tells time!

>> Who put it there?

>> Santa claus.

>> I had one when I was his age.

>> Narrator: Oh, it was

beautiful.

I could hardly wait to try it

out.

>> Come on, i'll show you how to

load it.

>> Can I try it out, mom.

Can I?

But be careful.

I still say those things are

dangerous.

Don't sh**t any birds or

animals!

>> Except the bumpus hounds!

>> You may not sh**t the bumpus

hounds!

>> Ralphie, c'mere --

♪ you don't need a

steed to be a cowboy

no, you're not a hero

just by galloping off♪

♪ in the sun

what you really need

to be a cowboy

keeping bandits tremblin'

on the run♪

>> Is a red ryder carbine

>> red ryder carbine

>> stock with a compass

>> stock with a compass

>> red ryder carbine action bb

g*n!

>> Ralphie to the rescue!

Oh!

♪ Ralphie to the rescue!

Oh!

Firin' fast, he's a

cowboy at last♪

♪ now let her blow

blow, blow♪

>> Ralphie?

>> Ayour honorhh!

>> Oh, my god, I sh*t my eye

out!

>> Ralphie, you be careful out

there.

Don't sh**t your eye out.

>> Narrator: She hadn't seen!

She didn't know!

My eye's all right.

The bb must have hit my glasses.

My glasses!

Oh no!

Where are my glasses?

Few things brought such swift

and terrible retribution on a

kid as a pair of busted glasses!

Oh, no!

Pulverized.

Rapidly my mind devised a

spectacular plot.

It had to work.

Quickly, I whipped up some

tears.

>> Mommy!

>> Ralphie?

What's the matter, baby?

What happened?

She examines his face.

Ralphie improvises through his

tears.

>> There was -- this -- icicle!

>> Icicle?

>> Yeah, an icicle and it fell

off the roof and hit my cheek

and it broke my glasses -- and I

tried to get out of the way --

but I couldn't --

>> ah, lemme see.

It's just a little bump.

You poor thing!

You're lucky it didn't hit your

eye.

Those icicles have been known to

k*ll people!

>> But what about my glasses?

>> These glasses saved your eye.

I bet you're glad you wear them

now.

>> Narrator: I hadn't thought of

it that way.

>> You can wear the old ones

with the cr*ck in them until we

can get you some new ones.

>> Narrator: I had pulled it

off.

Victory was mine!

>> And I hope you learned your

lesson.

>> Narrator: Lesson?

What!?

You knew the wholetime!

Why didn't I realize that at the

time?

I was too happy, I guess.

Too full of the joy of

christmas.

Yet sometimes, when our joy is

at its zenith, when all is most

right with the world, that's

when the most unthinkable

disasters descend upon us.

>> Hey, is there a breeze in

here?

♪♪

Yep, by golly, someone left the

door ajar.

Hard enough to keep the furnace

working with the doors and

windows shut!

>> Oh, dear!

>> Nooooo!

Shoo!

Git!

Scort!

Bumpus!

Bumpus!

>> The bumpus -- the hounds --

the door --

>> oh, no!

>> Bumpus!

You son of a --

>> everyone, back away!

Nothing to see here!

>> Narrator: The heavenly aroma

still hung heavy in the house.

But it was gone -- all gone.

No turkey, no turkey sandwiches,

no turkey salad, no turkey hash,

no turkey nothin'.

And in moments like that,

there's only one thing to do.

>> Get dressed!

We are going out to eat!

>> But everything's closed.

>> Not everything.

>>> Legendary custom designer

created hundreds of costumes for

the cast.

I think it added a real flair to

the show.

Except for the bunny.

"A christmas story live"

continues.

>> Narrator: Now there was only

one place that might possibly be

open on christmas day in hohman,

indiana.

A place we timid culinary souls

had never set foot in before,

that happened to be owned and

operated by our local used car

and christmas tree salesman.

Hohman, indiana was still a very

small town.

>> You sure you don't have

turkey?

>> We have duck.

>> Duck?

>> Duck.

>> Does it taste like turkey?

>> Yes, but it's duck.

And tastes like duck.

>> Do you cook it like turkey?

>> We cook it like duck.

>> Duck?

>> Duck.

>> Duck.

>> Duck.

>> Goose.

>> All right, we'll give it a

try.

>> Jesse!

Prepare the duck!

>> Looks like we're the only

ones here.

>> No you're not.

We're here every christmas.

We're going to the movies after.

Happy holidays!

>> Happy holidays!

>> Ah!

Here we go.

House specialty.

>> It's -- it's --

>> it's a beautiful duck, it

really is, but you see.

It's smiling at me.

>> Ah.

♪♪

>> How about a christmas carol?

>> Oh, you don't have to.

>> Boys!

♪ Deck the halls with boughs

of holly fa la la la la

la la la la ♪

♪ 'tis the season to be

jolly fa la la la la

la la la la ♪

♪ don we now our gay apparel

fa la la la la

la la la la ♪

♪ troll the ancient yuletide

carol fa la la la la

la la la la ♪

>> Wow.

I wasn't expecting that.

>> What were you expecting?

>> I don't know.

>> That was magnificent.

>> They're all home from

college.

These three are mine.

All ivy league, except bob, who

has a good personality.

>> Congratulations!

>> Isn't this a great country?

>> It is.

It certainly is.

>> Shall we all sing?

>> Why not?

♪ Don we now our gay

apparel fa la la la la

la la la la ♪

♪ troll the ancient

yuletide carol fa la la

la la la la la la ♪

♪♪

♪♪

>> What a perfect scene on a

christmas night.

So we might be stuck with duck,

but the world's alright.

>> And you have to laugh, it's a

giant mess.

But if no one cried, the old man

or d*ed, both it's a big

success.

>> Right?

>> Right.

This year we nearly went insane.

>> This year we gave up stuffing

for chow mein.

>> Hey!

This is good!

>> Of course.

>> What a christmas story to

behold, a crazy christmas story

to be told.

We got a bird with no head, a

pot fulla tea.

>> What's to be said when you

are here next to me?

>> Yeah.

>> Who could want much more?

Our christmas story.

>> Narrator: That christmas

would live in our memories as

the christmas when we were

introduced to chinese turkey.

Not to mention the joys of a

cappella harmony.

>> I had one big wish the old

man santa somehow knew --

>> right before my eyes --

>> surprise!

>> My wish came true --

>> this year we might not have a

lot --

>> this year i'll tell ya one

both what a christmas story to

behold.

♪♪

A crazy christmas story to be

told.

>> I'll take the cheap christmas

wines.

>> The slush in the street.

>> The crowds and the lines that

make the season complete --

♪♪

♪♪

>> Who could ask for more?

>> This christmas story.

♪♪

>> Years may pass but still we

will remember, wonder where

we'll be all around our tree.

♪♪

>> Seeing ev'ry girl and boy

with a heart so full of joy.

>> We'll look back someday.

>> From far away.

>> We'll say.

♪♪

♪ what a christmas story

ah ah what a christmas

story what a christmas

story ♪

♪ a crazy christmas story

a crazy story a crazy

christmas story ♪

♪ what a christmas story

to what a christmas story

to behold what a christmas

story to behold behold ♪

♪ what a christmas story

to a crazy christmas story

behold a crazy christmas

story all to be told ♪

>> Narrator: Back in those days

your parents didn't say, "i love

you" very often.

You were there.

They took care of you.

Their job was to raise you.

Your job was to let them.

When they said, "don't run with

scissors," or "button your

coat," or "you'll sh**t your eye

out," maybe even they didn't

know it, but that's what it was.

Love.

♪♪

That night, next to me in the

darkness lay my cold blue steel

beauty -- the greatest christmas

gift I had ever received.

Are you kiddin'?

My old man, my dad, gave it to

me.

And my mom let me keep it.

That's why it was the greatest

gift I would ever receive.

>> Narrator: As the excitement

of the day gradually subsided, I

finally drifted off to sleep,

pranging ducks on the wing and

getting off spectacular hip

sh*ts.

♪♪

>> Narrator: Christmas is here,

this calm, quiet night.

It comes once a year, so you

hold on to it tight.

Who could want much more?

A christmas story.

♪♪

Enjoy it, ralphie!

Enjoy every minute of it.

Merry christmas.

♪♪